Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Well, not to eavesdrop or anything, but the telltale sign to me is simply the persistence of self over time - continued interest in women. As a kid, I somewhat think it’s normal to have crushes on just about anyone and everyone you admire for something that strikes a chord. You’re just less guarded of self in a way. I’m definitely hetero, but my love of Pippi Longstocking as a girl knew no bounds...😳😂 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Yeah, I’m the total opposite... I can do casual sex, limerence sex, etc., but when the other person wants it to be Big and Meaningful I am completely put off by that. Probably because how can I pretend I am [obsession du jour] if you keep interrupting with things their partner would never say or things that remind me I’m... not them! Jar me right out of the mood, why doncha? Ace? Dunno. Sexual? Dunno? Weird? Oh, yeah, for certain! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 1 minute ago, CBC said: Tbh I feel bad about the sex I had with my (asexual) husband. I realised I just wanted sex, but of course with no natural inclination for it himself, it was sort of... all me. And I know how to, er, do sex... so it was fine, but certainly passionless. And felt somehow very much like casual sex. But that was as much my "fault" as his because honestly of the handful of dudes I've had crushes on, my interest in him that way was amongst the lowest. I don't know that I was ever particularly sexually attracted to him at all, it was just... an easy, comfortable friendship mostly. It’s amazing how much we fool ourselves for a little comfort in the only way we have it : can get it. Try not to feel too badly, it was part of the greater journey, and it seems he’s mainly fine with the unfolding of it all. Yes? 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 2 minutes ago, CBC said: Tbh I feel bad about the sex I had with my (asexual) husband. I realised I just wanted sex, but of course with no natural inclination for it himself, it was sort of... all me. And I know how to, er, do sex... so it was fine, but certainly passionless. And felt somehow very much like casual sex. But that was as much my "fault" as his because honestly of the handful of dudes I've had crushes on, my interest in him that way was amongst the lowest. I don't know that I was ever particularly sexually attracted to him at all, it was just... an easy, comfortable friendship mostly. It me! Probably for different reasons, but... 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 7 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Probably because how can I pretend I am [obsession du jour] if you keep interrupting with things their partner would never say or things that remind me I’m... not them! Jar me right out of the mood, why doncha? Maybe you just don’t do deep connection? I mean, I can’t do casual (would be SO much easier if I could). As this site has taught, there just all types of desire and need. Perhaps yours is just a little bit...arms length? WAIT, I’m rereading that. Maybe I misunderstood. Hmm, my response was what my impression was, which was based on feeling versus thought. Sorry if I’m off base! 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 15 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Maybe you just don’t do deep connection? I mean, I can’t do casual (would be SO much easier if I could). As this site has taught, there just all types of desire and need. Perhaps yours is just a little bit...arms length? Yeah, that’s where I’m unsure as well. I feel very attached to certain people but I don’t find anything enjoyable about vulnerability, especially shared vulnerability, in any context. Historically it becomes a problem because I do want to stay with the person and I think I romantically love them (I say “I think” because maybe my experience of that is “off” somehow too) but I can’t permanently sustain interest in the sex. Nowadays I have pretty much no interest in sex period but I don’t know what’s medical (stroke, medication, menopause) and what’s “just” the aftereffects of forcing myself to have sex with someone who was very sexually unattractive to me for so long. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 I don’t seem closed off to most people - I seem like a fairly extroverted, friendly person who will talk openly about most anything - but that’s an outer layer that takes energy to maintain. When I can’t maintain it, I don’t want anyone around. I’m told I am too self-sufficient and people who try to get (relationship-) close to me feel like I don’t actually need them and am just tolerating their presence. Of course, I’m normally told that by people who are annoyed with me at the time but I suspect the two things are related. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Hah, yeah, I’m the smiling, friendly person out in public. The purpose (self-protection) is the same, though. I do enjoy spending time with (certain) people but one that doesn’t drain me to exhaustion is a rare find. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 51 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Yeah, that’s where I’m unsure as well. I feel very attached to certain people but I don’t find anything enjoyable about vulnerability, especially shared vulnerability, in any context. I’m not sure either, but always default to trust issues when a person has a tough time with vulnerability. Adding in the medical makes it even tougher to know. Bottom line: It’s clearly harder to sustain any longer term thing which likely adds to the overall questions in your mind. Do you need it? Don’t you? Tough place to be. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 @CBC, I think we’d not get on very well IRL even though I totally get you here. Being accessible in thought from a safe distance is a different animal for sure. I’m pretty chill (not extreme extrovert) but am quite gregarious. I’ll talk to anyone, about anything, almost any time. I value my alone time (don’t need a partner), but equally enjoy people. My lover and I literally never run out of things to talk about, places to visit or things to do. Quiet and idle would maybe kill me in time? Hi Ho, Ho Ho, it’s off to work I go...with my shovel and a pick and a GREAT BIG STICK, Hi Ho, Hi ho hi ho hi ho 🎶. BBL 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 9 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Adding in the medical makes it tough to know. Oh, no, that part is as lifelong as I can remember and predates the medical issues by decades. The medical situation did not change it, much to my then-partner’s frustration. 16 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: always default to trust issues when a person has a tough time with vulnerability. There is definitely a related (dis)trust component. The phrase “trust issues” is never quite a good fit for me, though, as it implies... I don’t know, a sense of lack? Of something the person wants, or should want, corrected? I don’t experience it that way. I experience it as something I value, am attached to, feel comfortable about, and want to keep - a really fundamental truth about me - that is only a problem in the broad sense because it upsets others. I.e., I experience it as their issue; if they want someone who enjoys the experience of vulnerability, who wants to be coddled and comforted, who wants to lean on them in times of minor need, etc., I’m not the right someone for them. I expect I’ll be alone from now on out, which (was not my plan, and) is unfortunate timing as I’m getting old enough that some things are becoming a physical struggle and I actually could use help. 22 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Quiet and idle would maybe kill me in time? While I think I would find being physically sedentary when there is Stuff That Needs Doing frustrating, I’m 100% fine with quiet and idle as my brain is always busy. Any time I don’t have other things to do, I read. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 37 minutes ago, CBC said: Ohhh same. They're rare and wonderful. Extreme extroverts are the most difficult for me, but it's not just about extroversion. It's about interaction style as well. My mother isn't an extreme extrovert, but she is rather socially needy and I find her irritating to be around for too long. I love people who can just be quiet together with me and save the interaction for when it's either meaningful or necessary. She does a lot of random chattering and it drives me mental. That’s an interesting point! I’ve never really analyzed why most people drain me (even if I actually enjoy being with them and they don’t annoy me) and a few don’t. Being quiet together and not filling - or leaving me anxiously feeling like I need to be filling - the silence with talk is certainly a piece of it. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 4 hours ago, ryn2 said: There is definitely a related (dis)trust component. The phrase “trust issues” is never quite a good fit for me, though, as it implies... I don’t know, a sense of lack? Of something the person wants, or should want, corrected? I don’t experience it that way. I experience it as something I value, am attached to, feel comfortable about, and want to keep - a really fundamental truth about me - that is only a problem in the broad sense because it upsets others Well said and understood. There is a certain cynicism that seems part and parcel which would enable a particular world view that works for you. That’s how the (dis)trust works on my end anyhow. It provides a strength I like and a backbone that draws others perhaps. I’m almost impossible to get to unless I love you. The interesting part of your experience is that you turn off just as most turn on. That’s something you can’t ignore clearly and leaves me at a loss on what to say there. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Well, being quiet has its moments for sure and I’m not non-stop chatter (loathe that myself) but shy and still aren’t it either. I didn’t know there was a photo section; I need to get out more! Haha. Frankly, as I told Amcan via email last summer, I’m in a tough spot. Would love to Mod or be normal, but people are bananas. I can’t take the risk, clearly. God, remember “Sexoholic”? I wasn’t ever so grateful for anonymity as I was then. Recently, my lover mentioned it may be time for me to “leave this wretched site!” I just laughed. A little crazy never bothered me as it’s not my issue! 😂 So, speaking of him, we fight over one thing only - POLITICS. I think he threw the phone across the room again and swore me into oblivion about 10 minutes ago. Sigh. So much drama from the frothy mouthed fanatics. I float CENTRIST.....ay ay ay Can love conquer all?!? Interpolitical dating is rough in the USofA. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 Just had a look at that thread....um, lots and lots of cats! And now I want to go to New Zealand...😂 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 42 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: That’s how the (dis)trust works on my end anyhow. It provides a strength I like and a backbone that draws others perhaps. I’m almost impossible to get to unless I love you. *nods* 42 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: The interesting part of your experience is that you turn off just as most turn on. That’s something you can’t ignore clearly and leaves me at a loss on what to say there. Alas, you and me both! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 34 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: Can love conquer all?!? Interpolitical dating is rough in the USofA. I suspect that’s a tough one many places these days, especially if one or more people has/have strong opinions and like(s) sharing them. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 8, 2020 Share Posted January 8, 2020 1 hour ago, CBC said: Oh god, you don't want to be a mod I have gotten that out of my system! First off, I saw the errors and issues from afar and thought (like everyone who starts out in politics) I could help and be additive. Then, when I read a thread that basically discussed the issue at hand (Tele’s ousting) I saw some fruitful and great stuff. It was clear and obvious they understood the way things are don’t fully work, and I thought sense may prevail, until the vote: It was “down party lines”. no one actually acted in accordance with what I saw in the discussion. It was at that moment that I realized it was moot. 🤷🏻♀️ In any case, it works for me better with zero responsibility. The process to submit a resumé as part of campaigning isn’t conducive for those of us that must remain in the closet. 😂. Saved by myself for myself. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 3 hours ago, Traveler40 said: Would love to Mod or be normal, What comprises being normal? 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 I missed whatever happened with tele as it was while I was in “active divorce in process, don’t say anything in public that could affect it” minimal participation mode. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Huh. I feel like he should have gone out in a blaze of glory. I was bummed to find he was gone once I “came back.” 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 2 hours ago, ryn2 said: What comprises being normal? I really meant not have to hide my life from life in a way. I’d prefer to live and let live, but life just doesn’t work that way, at least in my circles. Posting pics, providing a full resumé just isn’t part of that deal. Sigh Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 18 minutes ago, ryn2 said: Huh. I feel like he should have gone out in a blaze of glory. I was bummed to find he was gone once I “came back.” Uh, yeah. Basically his third strike was telling someone they were thick headed and not understanding his point (or something not even that in your face) which made it all the more egregious really. The number of active sexual users that walked around that time has left a void that will be/is hard to replace. Just not a good move. Enough said. I’m glad you’re back and sorry it was such a rough spot. I always enjoy your input. I did see you floating in 50’s once or twice then stopped moving about the forums so figured you were engrossed elsewhere. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 6 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: I really meant not have to hide my life from life in a way. I’d prefer to live and let live, but life just doesn’t work that way, at least in my circles. Posting pics, providing a full resumé just isn’t part of that deal. Sigh Ah, gotcha. So same, although less because of friends and more because of work. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 7 hours ago, CBC said: Although lol, when Snao started the new AVENite 2020 Photo Thread over in JFF and I posted my dumb face, I can't say I was disappointed when someone commented that they'd imagined me looking "like some kind of harsh goddess of the sea, or perhaps noir femme fatale". Holy shit, there's a photo thread??! BRB!! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 4 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: all the more egregious That’s too bad, especially given a few folks who... evidently dodged that axe. I’m sure there are plenty of people who were quite sick of listening to the two of us bicker but I actually quite enjoyed talking with him and miss seeing him here. 5 minutes ago, Traveler40 said: I’m glad you’re back and sorry it was such a rough spot. I always enjoy your input. I did see you floating in 50’s once or twice then stopped moving about the forums so figured you were engrossed elsewhere. Thanks! 50’s is more about day-to-day minutiae and less about relationship concerns/advice/ controversy so I knew it was much less likely I’d find something I said in there used against me. Not here, I mean; by opposing counsel. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Just now, xstatic ☆ﾟ°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said: Holy shit, there's a photo thread??! BRB!! It’s mostly adorable cats. And vacations. @CBC I’ve seen pictures of you before but somehow my mental picture of you always wins out. For no reason, too, as you’re perfectly cute in real life. 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xstatic Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 Okay, I posted! I COULDN'T RESIST!! Also, ceebs, you're adorable and I love you. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 7 minutes ago, CBC said: Oooh. Which is...? Very curious haha. Just different. Dark hair, less pronounced cheekbones. Always in a hoodie but that’s probably not wrong lol. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Traveler40 Posted January 9, 2020 Share Posted January 9, 2020 You are ALL adorable .... and not that furry! Haha ♥️ 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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