The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[cupid69]

On 9/11/2019 at 5:19 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

 

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[alibali]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

Nobody knows what others are thinking it's true. Brutal honesty is not always the best thing in any relationship. What's important is caring.  My adult daughter for example lets me know when she needs "carrot or stick". And i temper what i say because she knows best what her thoughts are.  It is part of a continual relationship. 

[neverlove]

1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

I think it’s true everyone keeps some things private, but I don’t think it’s true that everyone has “secrets”. A lot of people just have things that are sort of private or just stuff that they keep to themselves because nobody wants to know ex: what you just did in the bathroom. No one needs to know, but not a secret.

[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 10:23 AM, neverlove said:

 

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[Guest]

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

Do you assume that every seemingly happy relationship only appears happy because of the couple keeping secrets?

[alibali]

4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

I would assume that keeping a secret that you are unhappy with your relationship with your significant other is pretty pointless and not fair on your significant other.

[alibali]

4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

I would assume that keeping a secret that you are unhappy with your relationship with your significant other is pretty pointless and not fair on your significant other.

[Xstatic]

@Apostle trying to prove @AceMissBehaving wrong so badly that you're just going to ignore my answer that disproves your point?  🙃😉

[alibali]

4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

I would assume that keeping a secret that you are unhappy with your relationship with your significant other is pretty pointless and not fair on your significant other.

[Snao Cone]

4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

Is the lesson here to never believe what your partner says? That doesn't seem healthy. How much do you lie to your partner? Do you spend all day thinking of things they may be lying about to you? Do you do that with other people in your life? 

[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 1:23 PM, alibali said:

 

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[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 12:02 PM, theV0ID said:

 

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[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I worked in an old people's home for a while and I couldn't believe what some of the folks used to say about their 'beloved' passed away partners. It showed to me that there are always some things that are held back and for reasons that possibly protect themselves from their SO from using it against them at a future date if things don't work out.

That has stayed in my memory forever.

Has it occurred to you that basing your perception of modern relationships on a generation that didn't really accept divorce as a good option isn't going to give the most accurate results?

[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 12:20 PM, CBC said:

 

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[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 1:43 PM, theV0ID said:

 

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[Xstatic]

10 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Has it not occurred to some people on this website that most folk are sick and tired of the LGBT community marching in the streets spouting about how normal they really are? Of course they're normal people! I know that as do most folk but having it shoved in your face on a continual basis by the media is really quite tiring. Surely children should be taught in schools in that it is okay to be who you are or want to be. I'm all for that.

Wait, what the fuck did I just read?

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

You don't have to throw statistics at me as you seem to be judging older people differently than younger one's. We are all the same human race and nothing will change in that perspective. In fact my next door neighbour recently lost her SO to a sudden illness. Quite young they were (in their 30's) and she is now saying some not so nice things about him now he is dead so age doesn't come into it.

...What? I didn't even mention statistics 🤔 The point was that how we behave in relationships is unavoidably influenced by the culture and expectations we are raised and live with. The relationship culture older generations lived with is in some ways very different from that which younger generations live with. 

[Snao Cone]

It's not healthy to take out general frustrations with the world and your quality of life on sexual or asexual people. 

[AceMissBehaving]

6 hours ago, Apostle said:

Everybody has secrets, even your SO and best friend. Many people in relationships don't want to hurt their SO's feelings so they hold back certain truths. You may never know.

 

 

Of course people have secrets, I’m sure there are things I’ll go to the grave never knowing, but I’m fairly certain the fact that my husband is miserable and privately just resigned to his fate isn’t one of them. He’s a man of many talents, hiding his emotions isn’t one of them. 

 

We talk at length about a lot of uncomfortable subjects. I know he has certain regrets about the direction his life took on account of marrying me, we both have. We talk about them, and both still feel what we have is worth it.

 

We’ve had conversations about things most people would keep inside. Mixed or not, I believe that’s the secret to a lasting relationship

 

2 hours ago, Apostle said:

The point I was making is that in my particular relationship my SO won't talk about herself and who she is. I don't feel I really know her at all. However, it may be just that she doesn't know herself or that she is in denial about her sexuality. I really want a dialogue with her but cannot have it so am continually trying to find out why.

I feel very much that I've been put in my position through no fault of my own and sometimes my comments can come across as aggressive to some people, just as I find that some people answering my queries seem to be quite bitter about anything that contradicts their ideas of who they or I am.

It’s not bitterness on my side. I am confident in my SO, and our relationship as it stands today.

 

I do however have sympathy for you in your current situation. It’s hard to understand a person without being able to talk about their inner world. I do hope one day that changes for you.

 

While your experience is an unfortunate one, it is also unfair to try paint all ace/sexual relationships with the same brush. Trying to discredit those with positive experiences is neither fair to the individuals themselves, other mixed couples reading, nor the many asexuals on theses forums still accepting themselves, and looking for hope that they can still have fulfilling relationships.

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Has it not occurred to some people on this website that most folk are sick and tired of the LGBT community marching in the streets spouting about how normal they really are? Of course they're normal people! I know that as do most folk but having it shoved in your face on a continual basis by the media is really quite tiring. Surely children should be taught in schools in that it is okay to be who you are or want to be. I'm all for that.

I’m glad you accept the LGBT+ community for who they are, and feel their identities should be represented in schools. Sadly large swaths of the country and people in power do not, and the oppression is still real, and so we march. 

 

A lot of people honestly enjoy seeing pride, it’s a beautiful experience to have people celebrate who they are and love.

 

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I have a severely disabled child, now in his twenties. When I push him in his wheelchair in town, people look at me and him as if we come from another planet. I don't go marching down the street in brightly coloured clothing shouting about it though. I just get on with life and care for him as much as possible.

You might not be, but others are out there marching for you.

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I do honestly see your sadness and struggle, and I do genuinely hope your situation will improve.

[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 2:11 PM, theV0ID said:

 

 

On 9/12/2019 at 2:22 PM, Snao van der Cone said:

 

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[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 1:31 PM, Snao van der Cone said:

 

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[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 3:35 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

 

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[Guest]

28 minutes ago, Apostle said:

You seem to have a very closed mind on how people of different generations view the world, I must say. 

Some people do obviously, just as young people view trends of yesterday as being old fashioned. I'm very open minded, as stated in previous posts. I accept every person at face value, no matter what their culture, race or colour is. I've travelled all over the world and met all sorts of people and different cultures.

 

I therefore think I have some say on how people behave, don't you?

Saying that culture influences behaviour is fact, not "close minded". I didn't make any statements about how different generations "view the world".

 

So have I (travelled all over the world and met all sorts of people I mean). And no, I don't think it makes you any less likely to be biased about how people behave. And biased is how you come across, not open minded.

[Philip027]

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You've just described the definition of 'secret' though, haven't you?

'something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others'.

There's a difference between not mentioning stuff because you think people won't care or it's irrelevant to them, and actively taking steps to prevent someone from learning it because you know they would want to know.  The latter falls more into keeping a secret.  The former is just being polite.

 

Also, I don't have any secrets, so...

 

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Has it not occurred to some people on this website that most folk are sick and tired of the LGBT community marching in the streets spouting about how normal they really are? Of course they're normal people! I know that as do most folk but having it shoved in your face on a continual basis by the media is really quite tiring. Surely children should be taught in schools in that it is okay to be who you are or want to be. I'm all for that.

You know what's also tiring?  The fact that LGBT ostracization (not to mention the hate crimes against them) still happens.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

There's a difference between not mentioning stuff because you think people won't care or it's irrelevant to them, and actively taking steps to prevent someone from learning it because you know they would want to know.  The latter falls more into keeping a secret.  The former is just being polite.

Yeah I've been wracking my brain trying to think of anything I would consider a secret and I can't think of a single thing. Anything I consider of enough significance to put it in secret territory I talk about with friends and/or family. I don't go out of my way to tell people when I take a massive dump or when I'm going for a smear test but I wouldn't consider that keeping secrets. 

[neverlove]

8 hours ago, Apostle said:

You've just described the definition of 'secret' though, haven't you?

'something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others'.

 

Whether that 'secret' wants to be known by others is irrelevant as it is still a secret.

None-of-your-buisness does not mean it’s-a-secret. And not telling one person does not make it a secret either. And even little secrets, like always drinking straight from the milk carton, or pretending you didn’t hear your SO asking if you are awake when you are trying to sleep...it isn’t the end of the world. A few “secrets” is not a reason to not trust, and some people keeping big secrets does not mean that everyone does. Some of us don’t believe in keeping secrets, even a majority of the little ones most keep to be polite. I have a few things I keep private, but I can and will tell others if it seems relevant or helpful. I wouldn’t even lie if someone asked a direct question about them, and I am not a bizarre anomaly in this.

[Xstatic]

I don't tell any of my friends or family about my history with abuse, because it's incredibly embarrassing and I don't want people to perceive me as weak or someone they have to feel sorry for. I also don't want to deal with the drama. I also don't want my children to find out because they need to have a positive relationship with their other parent so that's something for me, and my therapist. I consider that a good secret to keep.

[cupid69]

On 9/12/2019 at 5:12 PM, CBC said:

 

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[alibali]

Its not a competition. All opinions are valid.

[Xstatic]

3 hours ago, Apostle said:

Notably strange that it is only females that seem to be responding. Welcome male responses but I suspect they are thin on the ground with strong minded females on this forum.

Dude.....