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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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CBC

Well I do think it's quite possible for someone to be sexual, have a healthy/normal sex drive, and not care for penetration. They're very much in the minority I assume, but having less common preferences doesn't automatically make someone less sexual or not sexual.

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Serran
4 minutes ago, CBC said:

Well I do think it's quite possible for someone to be sexual, have a healthy/normal sex drive, and not care for penetration. They're very much in the minority I assume, but having less common preferences doesn't automatically make someone less sexual or not 

Heh, yeah. I have been talking to a lot of sexuals lately who dont like PiV honestly. *shrug* I dont think that makes them asexual at all. Penetration just doesnt feel nice to some people. 

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CBC

Yeah I definitely know sexual women for whom penetration is not their favourite thing. I'm into it, although not so much the 'P' part of 'PiV', haha. But as most gay chicks are aware, hands are often more... capable... than penises anyway.

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Apostle

x

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uhtred
27 minutes ago, CBC said:

Yeah I definitely know sexual women for whom penetration is not their favourite thing. I'm into it, although not so much the 'P' part of 'PiV', haha. But as most gay chicks are aware, hands are often more... capable... than penises anyway.

I think there is a whole lot of variation, from people for whom arousal and orgasm is the important part to people who  view PIV as essential to "sex". Then as you mention there are couples for whom there is no P or no V in the equation,  and who may or may not like other forms of penetration.

 

Then there is the whole issue that for some people sex is something serious and romantic. For others sort of a fun game.  Then lots of various kinks.

 

Its difficult to find partners who are completely compatible, especially because there is some social stigma against talking in detail about sexual desires early in a relationship.

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Serran
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

Are these 'sexuals' male or female because most sexuals I've talked this over with have said the opposite?

Sure, for some PiV is a no go area but that may be psychological or bad previous experience. Some sexual/asexual females only want penetration to make them pregnant for various reasons. 

Most M & F sexuals want PiV as it is a connection that is a 3rd dimension to their loving relationship. This of course includes cuddling, romance and pleasing the partner with intimate behaviour.

They are both male and female and also NB. It doesnt make them less sexual for not wanting PiV. I mean, come on. My poor spouse cant keep her black mini skirt clean cause the minute she puts it on we are likely to have sex that day, so the poor skirt never lasts. There is a wide variety of sexual activities to be had and I dont think PiV (when possible) is the end all be all of it for being sexual. Some people have a preference against it. 

 

The majority do PiV (hetero couples anyway), but not liking steak doesnt make you vegetarian and not liking PiV doesnt make you asexual. 

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alibali

Personally I think an asexual is someone who doesn't desire and/or want sex in any relationship. Everyone else is sexual.  Many asexuals engage in sex, including PIV, and some enjoy it and hormones can still rage (i used to have 'wet dreams') so asexuals may well have a libido. It's just not directed anywhere. It's not something i have ever thought about as a need to fulfill, other than to be aware of it being a necessity for who i was with.

 

What's lacking is the necessity to have it as part of a relationship with someone else.

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anisotrophic

I would call it desire, not necessity.

 

I certainly have desire, but sublimating it works out for me. That's not something I think should be "expected" of anyone, but neither is it impossible.

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alibali

It appears to be a game changer for most sexuals. Thats why i call it a necessity.

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CBC
2 hours ago, Serran said:

My poor spouse cant keep her black mini skirt clean cause the minute she puts it on we are likely to have sex that day, so the poor skirt never lasts.

This just made me stop and think for a sec about how much of a feat it would be to get me into a mini skirt, haha. Literally all the sex I've had in recent times (which is not nearly enough... *cue LDR whining*) has been preceded by wearing track pants, hoodies, pyjamas, etc. :lol: (Which is fine with me, cuz... sex.)

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anisotrophic
8 hours ago, alibali said:

It appears to be a game changer for most sexuals. Thats why i call it a necessity.

It's not a definition of being sexual. Being comfortable with celibacy is not typical, but it's not asexuality.

 

My spouse isn't in a state of "doesn't need sex". He just does not have desire. He can't make it happen. He's felt shitty about it, and I don't want him to, I love him for who he is. But I feel like it's erasing his suffering and others to characterize asexuality as "not needing sex"; he is unable to experience desire for it, no matter that he wishes it could be so.

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Serran
8 hours ago, CBC said:

This just made me stop and think for a sec about how much of a feat it would be to get me into a mini skirt, haha. Literally all the sex I've had in recent times (which is not nearly enough... *cue LDR whining*) has been preceded by wearing track pants, hoodies, pyjamas, etc. :lol: (Which is fine with me, cuz... sex.)

Hehe well... I am happy with her in those too. But, she has this one skin tight black mini skirt... and I think the longest she has lasted in it is like two hours...

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alibali
5 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

It's not a definition of being sexual. Being comfortable with celibacy is not typical, but it's not asexuality.

 

My spouse isn't in a state of "doesn't need sex". He just does not have desire. He can't make it happen. He's felt shitty about it, and I don't want him to, I love him for who he is. But I feel like it's erasing his suffering and others to characterize asexuality as "not needing sex"; he is unable to experience desire for it, no matter that he wishes it could be so.

Agreed we all have choices and celibacy is a choice to subjugate need for sex for whatever reason.

 

But you've hit the nail on the head by saying he is unable to experience desire. 

 

You do, he doesn't. The fact that it hasn't been a game changer for you means you have made a choice which works for you because of your other values. I still think it is a game changer for most people who desire sex.

 

And for people who don't, we still need human relationships, but lack of desire for sex makes it difficult.

 

 

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Apostle
On 8/8/2019 at 9:31 AM, alibali said:

 

x

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alibali
3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Just to clarify, there are many different reasons for making choices and celibacy can be a choice of the partner to the celibate, not the celibate themselves. Celibacy can be a by-product of one partner not wanting or requiring a sexual connectivity and the sexual is thus denied intimacy. This lack of intimacy is like a disease as it spreads to other parts of the relationship and impacts romance, love, sex obviously and even children of the partners who are attuned to their parents behaviour.

 

Many marriages break up because one or other of the partners is not sexually compatible and are unable to come to terms with the outcome or change in circumstances.

True, thats my point except someone who is asexual is not celibate, their partner is.

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Apostle
On 8/8/2019 at 9:50 AM, alibali said:

 

x

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CatsandDogs
On 8/7/2019 at 7:23 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Eh.  Is it though?  Penetration is a literal dead zone for me.  Like, I like penatritive sex and all, but I don't orgasm from it or feel anything at all actually.  So, eh.  Oral stim gets me there, and external stim gets me there, but penatritive sex does not.

 

Again, the big deal about sex for me is being wanted.  Being desired.  That's what gets my rocks off.  I could probably go the rest of my life without penatritive sex if all of that was fulfilled in other ways.  

The key word being “desired.” My asexual boyfriend does not feel desire for me or for anyone. He has never felt physical attraction to another person and does not enjoy any physical touch. He will tolerate a quick (clothed) hug or closed-mouth kiss but anything more bothers him. As I am learning there is a very wide spectrum here of what being asexual means. If I was with someone who identified as asexual but was more open with physical touch that would be different but as you can see in my case it is very difficult (as a sexual woman) to feel “wanted” or “desired.” This, coupled with his understanding that these are emotions he does not feel and the pain that causes us both, is why we have to focus on being just friends.

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AceMissBehaving
On 8/7/2019 at 6:23 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Again, the big deal about sex for me is being wanted.  Being desired.  That's what gets my rocks off.  I could probably go the rest of my life without penatritive sex if all of that was fulfilled in other ways.  

 

The subject of desire is something that came up last night with my Husband. It’s been doing a number on him and I don’t know what to do to heal that pain.

 

To me, I love him completely, I want him in a bunch of different ways, I still desire physical contact, I still adore looking at his face sometimes when he’s not looking and seeing everything I love in it, but no matter how strongly I believe I feel it’s not enough.

 

Spoiler

We still have sex, and I believe I show enthusiasm though I could be clueless here again, and before anyone knew I was ace I was told I’m good at it. Nothing to my knowledge performance wise has changed since my coming out.

 

I don’t know what I can do or say to make things better. He’s hurting because I’m incapable of this one feeling, and I’m hurting because I feel like my love is somehow worthless.

 

It’s a terrible feeling to have who you are as a person, be a cause of pain for someone you love.

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alibali

I always managed to "perform". I didn't know thats not what i was supposed to do and that i should have found it meaningful. 

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CatsandDogs
9 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

 

The subject of desire is something that came up last night with my Husband. It’s been doing a number on him and I don’t know what to do to heal that pain.

 

To me, I love him completely, I want him in a bunch of different ways, I still desire physical contact, I still adore looking at his face sometimes when he’s not looking and seeing everything I love in it, but no matter how strongly I believe I feel it’s not enough.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

We still have sex, and I believe I show enthusiasm though I could be clueless here again, and before anyone knew I was ace I was told I’m good at it. Nothing to my knowledge performance wise has changed since my coming out.

 

I don’t know what I can do or say to make things better. He’s hurting because I’m incapable of this one feeling, and I’m hurting because I feel like my love is somehow worthless.

 

It’s a terrible feeling to have who you are as a person, be a cause of pain for someone you love.

I’m really sorry you are both feeling this way. It’s a feeling I know all too well. My boyfriend and I just broke up because of this issue. I am heartbroken but we want to stay in each other’s lives as friends. He is my best friend and he said he considers me his. I still want to “grow old together” but we both finally realized we can’t do that as a romantic couple without causing each other pain. I’m so grateful to this community for helping me through the last couple of weeks (since he came out to me as asexual) and without everyone's advice and bravery in sharing their stories I don’t think we could have done what needed to be done today. I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with before, but what I learned on this site taught me that he and I just feel love differently. If we stayed together eventually we would have caused each other a lot of hurt and suffering and maybe we would really start to have negative feelings about ourselves and each other. Neither he or I want that so I am glad we are trying to move forward as friends and that we are doing so now while we still can. My heart goes out to everyone on this site, and I am deeply appreciative of everyone’s help and advice. Thank you all so much.

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AceMissBehaving
14 hours ago, CatsandDogs said:

I’m really sorry you are both feeling this way. It’s a feeling I know all too well. My boyfriend and I just broke up because of this issue. I am heartbroken but we want to stay in each other’s lives as friends. He is my best friend and he said he considers me his. I still want to “grow old together” but we both finally realized we can’t do that as a romantic couple without causing each other pain. I’m so grateful to this community for helping me through the last couple of weeks (since he came out to me as asexual) and without everyone's advice and bravery in sharing their stories I don’t think we could have done what needed to be done today. I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with before, but what I learned on this site taught me that he and I just feel love differently. If we stayed together eventually we would have caused each other a lot of hurt and suffering and maybe we would really start to have negative feelings about ourselves and each other. Neither he or I want that so I am glad we are trying to move forward as friends and that we are doing so now while we still can. My heart goes out to everyone on this site, and I am deeply appreciative of everyone’s help and advice. Thank you all so much.

I’m glad this site was helpful, and that you are still able to be friends. Wishing you both the best of luck.

 

My husband gets back tonight. He said he wanted to talk things over in person so don’t know if that will be tonight or some other time.

 

I’m starting to feel afraid that I’m just not enough for him after all.

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anisotrophic
30 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I’m glad this site was helpful, and that you are still able to be friends. Wishing you both the best of luck.

 

My husband gets back tonight. He said he wanted to talk things over in person so don’t know if that will be tonight or some other time.

 

I’m starting to feel afraid that I’m just not enough for him after all.

I hope things go better than you fear. I know it's really hard when both partners are hurting each other just by being who they are.

 

If you haven't worked with therapists, it was really helpful for me and my husband.

 

We spoke to therapists separately (although we could tried joint), and it was a LGBTQIA+/kink/poly savvy practice which helped present a lot of solutions that aren't "traditional" without pushing them (they see all the downsides as part of their practice too, lol). I think even if people eventually split, therapists might help them figure out "why" and how to take care of each other in the process, etc.

 

Works best if both people are on board. Still helpful to do it solo, though.

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AceMissBehaving
27 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

I hope things go better than you fear. I know it's really hard when both partners are hurting each other just by being who they are.

 

If you haven't worked with therapists, it was really helpful for me and my husband.

 

We spoke to therapists separately (although we could tried joint), and it was a LGBTQIA+/kink/poly savvy practice which helped present a lot of solutions that aren't "traditional" without pushing them (they see all the downsides as part of their practice too, lol). I think even if people eventually split, therapists might help them figure out "why" and how to take care of each other in the process, etc.

 

Works best if both people are on board. Still helpful to do it solo, though.

I’ve been working with a therapist for a long time, my husband has been trying to find one too, but it’s been hard with his travel schedule. He’s home for the next week so we’ll see what shakes out. 

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anisotrophic
47 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

it’s been hard with his travel schedule. He’s home for the next week so we’ll see what shakes out. 

Good luck! I know there's tele/remote videochat therapy offered by therapists now but I've never tried it. He might try an "in person" that can fall back to do this option while he's traveling.

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Serran

If he isn't needing a very specified training from his therapist, betterhelp offers online therapy. 

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AceMissBehaving
4 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

Good luck! I know there's tele/remote videochat therapy offered by therapists now but I've never tried it. He might try an "in person" that can fall back to do this option while he's traveling.

I think that’s what he’s going to try looking for, or at least flexible appointment times. I’m keeping my fingers crossed he’s able to find a good fit.

6 minutes ago, Serran said:

If he isn't needing a very specified training from his therapist, betterhelp offers online therapy. 

I think that might be one he looked into, but if not I’ll

pass it along 

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Apostle
On 8/10/2019 at 3:22 PM, CatsandDogs said:

 

 

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Apostle
On 8/10/2019 at 11:46 PM, alibali said:

 

x

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alibali

I didn't know i was performing. I thought men liked women to participate and be enthusiastic. 

 

I didn't realise it wasnt like that for women until over 30 years after I lost my virginity.

 

 

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alibali

I was incredulous when my menopausal friend said she missed enjoying sex.

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