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biggreenmonkey

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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cbc
4 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Allowing awkward moments is the only real sin in English conversation.

Oh yes, understood. I'm incredibly awkward moment-averse, so I certainly get it. Just sayin' though. If they were into it and I was into it, the direct approach has a certain fairly strong appeal in itself.

 

(Note that I said 'averse' and not 'adverse'. :P)

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Homer
35 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It was a lot less fun as a negotiation than flirting in a club though, even though the outcome was a lot more successful.

That's where I stumble. Where's the fun part in that?

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Telecaster68

Verbal sparring, like a good pub argument, is a lot of it; or competitive anecdotage sessions; sort of a persuasion, a seduction; plus ego gratification if it turns out they do fancy you, even if neither of you do anything about it.

 

It's more fun in the same way that winning a friendly argument with a friend is more fun if it takes an hour than if they concede immediately.

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cbc

Yeah, exactly what Tele said.

 

People find that not fun? Hrmm. This has been the beginning of nearly all the romantic connections I've had tbh, from the "I'd totally do you and we both know it but we shan't ever speak of it" sort to the "I'm deeply in love with you" sort. Well except one, and I'm not sure what I was thinking then. (Don't marry someone you can't verbal spar with.)

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm far too ace and autistic to understand flirting, not that I get it much. I've been told people have flirted with me and it completely went over my head :x

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cbc

Eh, sometimes I don't even know. I've had moments of wanting to be like... ok, regular theoretically-flirty interaction aside for a sec, can you fucking spell it out for me? Some people really are difficult to read and I've had an experience with one individual in particular that did my damn head in because it was just completely platonic nothingness and I had significant feelings at the time. Even if it's going absolutely nowhere and it's all in fun, I still prefer something that gives me a bit of clarity about how they feel about me.

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Telecaster68

Yeah, it can be infuriatingly ambiguous at times, I agree. I think some people are just more tolerant of ambiguity than others....

 

Almost inevitable Douglas Adams quote from H2G2: "We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty"

 

 

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cbc
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think some people are just more tolerant of ambiguity than others....

Definitely, yeah. I am not one of those people. :P 

 

To the point that that quote is almost slightly infuriating the more I think about it hahaha.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I am also very intolerant of ambiguity ;)

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cbc

Oh yeah I'm a very... well, I like knowns. Don't do well with uncertainty in any area of life, and unfortunately life is full of it. But in the realm of flirting/dating/relationships, I wish that it was possible -- more or less like Snow was saying above -- for people to just be straightforward and open. Relationships are loaded things, because messy feely emotions and all, and even casual flirting is part of wanting to be seen, acknowledged, validated as a person, etc. It's all human connection, and to varying degrees and in different ways, we all require it for a good sense of self esteem and decent mental wellbeing. It's stupid to judge people for being human and it's a bummer that we have to worry about feeling ridiculed or ashamed to the point that we can't tell other people how we feel. Some individuals can absolutely be assholes or creeps or whatever when it comes to flirting, and those people can fuck right off, but wanting that sort of connection isn't a shameful thing. Some bit of ambiguity can be part of the fun, but there's something to be said for straightforward vulnerability as well. It's gotten me more in life than being closed off and aloof ever has, and goodness knows I've mastered the latter much of the time. It gets old.

 

This goes beyond romantic connections, tbh. I'm not the sort to tell people I love them in any sense, which is a shame because I feel love -- and emotions in general -- quite fiercely. 

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Homer
1 hour ago, CBC said:

People find that not fun?

I'm not exactly "people", so there's that... to me it seems like a great way to waste a significant amout of time.

 

Say what you mean, people.

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cbc

Ahhh, but if I said what I meant all the time... well who knows, lol.

 

For one thing though, I would've been banned from AVEN long ago hahaha. (Meaning that in a general sense, not flirting stuff.)

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Telecaster68
16 minutes ago, Homer said:

I'm not exactly "people", so there's that... to me it seems like a great way to waste a significant amout of time.

 

Say what you mean, people.

It's not a waste though. It's kinda enjoyable, again like any social interaction.

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Snao van der Cone

I enjoy a lot of ambiguities and vague casual flirtatious language in good conditions, but I also know what it's like to be unwantedly pursued in ways where telling a person to stop will end in some sort of disaster. Tactful hints are ignored, and anything unequivocal is an overreaction or accusation. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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cbc

Some people are just fucking dense, yeah. Luckily I've never had an experience that got seriously threatening. My favourite personal NOT INTERESTED incident was the guy online, longtime member of another community I used to frequent (I've mentioned this before, I'm sure) who used to get really drunk and message me and basically beg me to talk to him, say stuff like "don't do this", ask me if I was intimidated by him, try to video chat, etc. I got called a "salty cunt nugget"... that was my fave. (What the fuck even is that??) And I never even replied, that was the kicker. He just kept at it, as if someday I would magically be interested. Dude, if I'm not responding to your private communication even just to tell you to STFU, you can bet your ass I'm not going to suddenly change my mind and send you a nude or something. I'm hella selective and I talk to people I want to talk to and not at all to those I don't, so if I'm not replying...

 

I think he genuinely thought he was being flirty and not obnoxious. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Homer
22 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It's not a waste though. It's kinda enjoyable, again like any social interaction.

Well then that's just where you lose me :D

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Snao van der Cone

I think a lot of women have experiences with men like that. It's not that most men behave that way, but the ones that do try it on multiple women since they don't have a high success rate and are quite desperate. This isn't a sexual vs asexual thing, though. It's about people skills and cultural norms. 

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cbc

Oh yeah for sure. This guy had none, or close to none. And then he liked to whinge about being single. 🙄

 

Tbh I feel like "salty cunt nugget" should be worn as a badge of honour. A bit like "bitch". 

 

(If you're looking for a catch though @Snao Cone, he lives in Saskatchewan... not too far to go for lurrrrrve. :P)

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, CBC said:

Tbh I feel like "salty cunt nugget" should be worn as a badge of honour.

*snorts*

 

I got called a fat sl*t in school often. Now, the fat part was accurate, the sl*t part, not so much ;) It's almost as though they can't think of any better insults 😫

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cbc

People love to forget actual meanings of words. I got "slut" from a stranger on the basis of having had an abortion, so.

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

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ryn2
24 minutes ago, CBC said:

I got "slut" from a stranger on the basis of having had an abortion, so.

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

That logic always annoys the heck out of me!  The number of partners has no relation to the risk of an unwanted pregnancy.

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Anthracite_Impreza
28 minutes ago, CBC said:

People love to forget actual meanings of words. I got "slut" from a stranger on the basis of having had an abortion, so.

 

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

That's just nasty. I mean, I would assume the process of going through abortions are pretty traumatic things to go through even if you want them, and then insulting someone for having one? Even if you're anti-abortion there's no need for that.

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cbc
9 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

That logic always annoys the heck out of me!  The number of partners has no relation to the risk of an unwanted pregnancy.

For real, yeah. I was married and the, erm, sperm donor (lol I refuse to say "father" because eww) was my husband. We had unprotected sex a handful of times due to... well, details I won't get into, but suffice to say it involved desperate attempts to overcome some stuff likely due to his sexuality and related issues. Just my luck. 🙃

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ryn2

Yeah, it’s too bad committed relationships don’t provide the guaranteed ability to get pregnant when - and *only* when - you want a(nother) addition to the family that so many people seem to think they do.

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cbc

Yeah. My mum went to multiple fertility specialists and getting pregnant was a nightmare for her. I was probably the most planned child in the history of wanting children haha. And then I opt for unprotected sex like four or five times in my life and... 😬 Stupid, I'm aware of that, but there was a level of exasperation happening. Probably one of the last times he and I ever had sex, actually. (And the pill was never an option for me due to health issues, so. Condoms it was, except for... then.)

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Snao van der Cone
1 hour ago, CBC said:

(If you're looking for a catch though @Snao Cone, he lives in Saskatchewan... not too far to go for lurrrrrve. :P)

Across the hall is too far of a distance for me, then this has the added fact of being a terrible person from a boring province. 

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cbc
3 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Across the hall is too far of a distance for me, then this has the added fact of being a terrible person from a boring province. 

Hahahaha. Fair. Like 2/3 of my mum's family lives in Saskatchewan cuz I'm half Ukrainian and Saskatchewan is full of Ukrainians. But yes, it seems to be a fairly boring province. And that dude was definitely a shithead.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I was probably the only planned child in my village, given the teenage pregnancy rates. My mother was 28 :o

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cbc

Mine was a few months away from 41. She and my dad had been together 18 years before I came along. Most of that not even due to her fertility issues. They're just the sort of people where Absolutely Everything Must Be Planned. Which has a tendency to instil some annoying neuroses in their offspring, i.e. me.

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ryn2

My parents were 37 when I was born and rumor had I finally happened after 8 miscarriages.  You’d think they would have used all that time figuring out how to cope with a kid if they finally got one... but...

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