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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Serran
On 7/13/2019 at 4:58 AM, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

For probably most, yeah. 

 

Why? It is an intimate act of sharing. Sharing each other, sharing desire, sharing pleasure and sharing vulnerability. All wrapped up in one neat package. You can get each seperately, but its hard to get that combo elsewhere. 

 

 

I have personally never placed a high value on sex. I never wanted it, until I wanted my spouse. But, now with my spouse, I have had it taken away and replaced by her. And... I think I get why people are so hurt by it. Its hard to seperate the pain of the replacement and the pain of the loss though. But, the sheer confidence boost included with knowing my wife wants me when I get it back is enough to know it has some power over my emotions in this relationship. She asked if I could be happy if I lost it from her completely and I don't know. I think if the loss was complete loss of libido, yes, I could, easily.  I can feel intimacy strongly from romantic sources. But... it would be hard under any other circumstance. The complete feeling of rejection is crushing. 

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Apostle
On 7/13/2019 at 9:58 AM, MCLoves said:

 

x

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uhtred
On 7/12/2019 at 11:22 PM, disGraceful said:

Can you define what a big deal is? 

 

It’s important in my relationship for intimacy but less important for love and unimportant for everything else if that makes sense? I would still love my husband without sex but something would be missing for me. I wouldn’t feel as close. It’s fun, I like it, it makes me feel loved... but yeah, I could live without it. I have a low libido. If I were single, I wouldn’t even think about sex - celibacy would be a nonissue. That’s just me personally though.

Big deal:   in my case I have a near perfect life with a woman I love, a great job, and pretty much everything I dreamed of as a kid.  Yet I spend a lot of time unhappy due to the near constant feelings of having missed out on the sort of romance (which includes sex) with the woman I love.  During the brief periods when she does desire sex (sometimes lasting a couple of months), I"m *happy*.  A rare experience for me. 

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uhtred
On 7/13/2019 at 1:58 AM, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?

For many yes.   For others it *should* be a deal-breaker but instead they just remain unhappy. 

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Fighting_For_Us

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

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TimeDelay
10 minutes ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

 

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

The reason I am 'here' in this forum is because I'm married to an asexual. I have no experience of being a sexual person in a sexually/emotionally/psychologically satisfying relationship. Therefore I don't know how often I would think about sex under those conditions. As a sexual person being deprived of such a relationship for many many years I can say that due to the scarcity effect I think about sex/intimacy/affection pretty constantly on the bad days. There is nothing nice about it. I'm not sure uncomfortable would describe my experience either; deeply painful is more accurate.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
5 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

Oh man, I was just talking to my boyfriend about this last week. In every other relationship I've been in, I've been the one with the low libido /sex drive(in comparison to my partners.  I still believe it was high). And now that I'm dating an asexual My sex drive is at an all-time high. I think about sex several times a day with him. And I don't think it's because of the infrequency, I actually think it's because our relationship is just so damn stellar, that I desire him more than I've desired anyone else.  

 

I guess I would describe the feelings of desire both nice and frustrating. Frustrating because I know it's not reciprocated, but nice because I'm not used to having them. Not frustrating to the point where I am angry about it or anything, because I was always on the other side of that coin, which is ironic. It's definitely an odd twist of fate.  I personally find the irony more amusing than anything else, but I know I am a rare exception here.

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Apostle
On 7/23/2019 at 11:53 PM, Fighting_For_Us said:

 

x

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Telecaster68
9 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

Several times a day. Not full on fantasies, but aspects of sex, whether/how I find someone I'm interacting with is sexually attractive*, whether they find me sexually attractive, that kind of stuff.

 

And it's fun, like play. It's not really a separate category of thought to anything else, just another aspect of thinking about stuff that's important to my life.

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Serran
11 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

I am thinking about it almost daily at the moment due to issues in my relationship. But, not in a nice way. 

 

But.. before the issues it would slip my mind for days, until I wanted it or my partner did. 

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cbc
14 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

Depends where life is at. I've been through periods of severe illness and stress where I don't think of it a single time for months (more when I was younger, although I'm still some degree of ill and stressed a lot). Other times I think of it dozens of times a day. I'm also someone whose libido is heavily tied to whether I actually have a romantic/sexual connection with someone else, so outside of a relationship it doesn't occur to me a whole lot, and when I'm in one it's... very very frequent, haha. I'm in a long-distance relationship and my partner just visited recently, so I'm feeling the loss of that type of interaction pretty acutely right now and thinking about it a lot. Although I also think about sex a lot in general because of the distance, and the lack of a fully adequate way of sexual expression. (But that's true of a lot of stuff because of the situation; I think about hugs and lying together quietly and being able to look at each other and all sorts of other non-sexual things quite frequently as well.)

 

Anyway. Yeah, I think about it a handful of times a day. It's not uncomfortable, it's generally pleasant (although the nature of my relationship can add a bit of a... heartachey... element). It also doesn't mean I end up physically aroused every time though, for sure; that depends on how much I let my mind wander. Mostly they're just brief passing thoughts instead of fantasies.

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Traveler40
15 hours ago, Fighting_For_Us said:

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

Yes, frequently and daily. as basic “thoughts among thoughts”.

 

Tangentially: I’ve enjoyed thinking about sex as long as I can recall. Back in the day, as I sat in Mass with the family, I’d glance around and try to imagine various couples and what their sex lives might look like. (I was a heavy reader of smut so had some inkling while never having done it at that point myself,). I’d think of them naked and just imagine it all.  Every single time, I would cut the image and feel GUILT! Damn Catholic upbringing! 🤣

 

Oh yes, I also worried about others being able to read my mind when it was exceptionally dirty!  🤔 maybe I am a bit bananas after all! Hahahaha

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cbc
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Damn Catholic upbringing! 🤣

I didn't even go to church growing up (I was baptised Catholic because my mum is Catholic, albeit rather lapsed) but somehow I've still ended up with that good ol' Catholic guilt coursing through my bloodstream. I went through a period in my mid/late teens where I became excellent at every sort of self-denial possible (the most extreme form of which was anorexia, I suppose) and even wanted to become a nun. I didn't even really believe the religious stuff, I was just riddled with shame over being human. Everything about me felt like it was... too much. Remnants of that lasted into my mid-20s, when I ended up in a relationship that was very wrong for me (my marriage to my asexual husband) and anything sexual began to feel disgusting. Even as someone openly proclaiming to be an atheist, I would devise vaguely religious atonements for myself for doing things like masturbating. In retrospect it's very weird to think that I actually thought that was the right relationship for me. It's not that my husband did anything wrong, he's even relatively sex-positive, but combined with my already screwed-up psychology, trying to have a sexual relationship with someone who has no instinct that way and no ability to experience reciprocal desire made me feel like there was something creepy and bad about being sexual. Now with the right person, it's easily one of the things I like best about myself (I still really need to expand that list though, haha) and sex is a huge positive.

 

Brains are funny old things.

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firebird8

I has a question! I saw this on Facebook and was puzzled. The person said "he had his sexual awakening to [insert female movie star or cartoon character of choice]". I am thoroughly baffled as to what that means. Is this an odd way to phrase things or a normal thing that somehow I haven't run across before? 

 

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AceMissBehaving
32 minutes ago, firebird8 said:

I has a question! I saw this on Facebook and was puzzled. The person said "he had his sexual awakening to [insert female movie star or cartoon character of choice]". I am thoroughly baffled as to what that means. Is this an odd way to phrase things or a normal thing that somehow I haven't run across before? 

 

I think it means during their formative years, that person/character was the first to inspire sexual feelings in the individual making the statement.

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cbc

What @AceMissBehaving said. Although I don't think I personally had any sort of sexual awakening to any celebs or characters. I don't really have much of an ability to feel stuff for people who seem unreal to me. I can find them attractive, but no... like... WHOA HOLY SHIT feelings.

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Snao van der Cone
2 hours ago, CBC said:

celebs

I misread this as "ceebs" and the whole thing seems so much funnier if I imagine you're talking about yourself in the third person.

 

 

Ahem. Anyway.

 

Yes, as AMB (may I call you that @AceMissBehaving?) said, it's a way some people describe having their eyes opened to their sexuality. Some people can name specific songs that got them interested in a genre of music. Some people can name specific dishes that made them go crazy for a certain type of food. Some people can name people or characters who made their sexual feelings crystal clear to them.

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AceMissBehaving
7 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

AMB (may I call you that @AceMissBehaving?) 

Absolutely 👍

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Apostle
On 7/25/2019 at 4:13 AM, AceMissBehaving said:

 

x

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AceMissBehaving
40 minutes ago, Apostle said:

I still occasionally have those fantasies today, a long time since my puberty. However, they are not now just sexually motivated....more a rounded and matured version like it's not just physical attractiveness but I am attuned to their laugh, facial expressions, interests and intelligence etc. This is watching someone on film or on tv mainly of course but I have met a couple of celebrities face to face as well.

I think it’s something that stays with people. 

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firebird8

Huh. Well I'm glad I asked then! I was assuming something much more prosaic. Thanks everyone. 

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Kyriee
On 7/13/2019 at 4:58 AM, MCLoves said:

@disGraceful What I mean to ask is basically: Is a relationship without sex a sort of “deal breaker” for the average sexual person?


hehe...
if you'd asked me that in ANY relationship before this one, I'd've said yes.
But then again, I've never had a sexless relationship before, either.

 

It's difficult, battling the need/want for the intimacy etc of sex with knowing that this is, without a doubt, the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and my lifemate is such an amazing person that to leave Them just because They don't want to have sex seems (to me) ridiculous.

 

I guess They're the exception?

 

but as a disclaimer, the dry spell is wearing on me more as time goes on, and there may come a time when it does become a deal-breaker, and I have to pack my bags and leave.

 

 

 

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Green and Purple Dragon

I have an odd question.  Usually, when I have a squish on someone, Squish is like a platonic friendship version of a crush, and I find them to be a rude person, I lose any desire to be friends with them.  However, I’ve noticed that people with crushes often become blind to how rude their crushes could be, or they continue to want them even after they’ve been rejected several times.  Do you seem to notice this pattern with yourself?  How come crushes don’t seem to go away like squishes do?  I’m sorry if this question came off as rude, I have a bad tendency to accidentally ask offensive questions.  

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Serran

Think it is down to personality - some people have poor taste in friends as well as romantic partners so either can be true. 

 

Personally, I dont get crushes. 

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CatsandDogs
On 7/23/2019 at 7:18 PM, TimeDelay said:

The reason I am 'here' in this forum is because I'm married to an asexual. I have no experience of being a sexual person in a sexually/emotionally/psychologically satisfying relationship. Therefore I don't know how often I would think about sex under those conditions. As a sexual person being deprived of such a relationship for many many years I can say that due to the scarcity effect I think about sex/intimacy/affection pretty constantly on the bad days. There is nothing nice about it. I'm not sure uncomfortable would describe my experience either; deeply painful is more accurate.

I just discovered this website and your response really resonated with me. Yesterday my boyfriend of 2+ years finally told me he is asexual. Of course I knew something was different because we have never had sex and he has no interest in it. I believe he is struggling very deeply with his inability to be sexually attracted to me or anyone else. I am very curious about your situation because you said you are sexual but married to an asexual. I would describe myself as someone who has been very sexual in past relationships. Sex was the main component of my attraction to men I dated and something we did daily. I have had some experiences that were better than others so I learned as a woman how important it was to speak up and express your desires to your partner. So I would say that I have had largely very satisfying and fulfilling sexual relationships. But when I met my current boyfriend he was different because it wasn’t just about sex and I realized there was a level of commitment that had been missing in my past relationships. For the past two years he led me on or made excuses for why sex wasn’t happening between us and tired of being hurt and rejected constantly I stopped trying. I would say despite this we have been very happy but every now and again I question his love for me and I feel like my self esteem has suffered. Two nights ago I was feeling very unhappy and told him how I felt. All I wanted was for him to be close to me in bed but he wouldn’t. We sleep on the edges of the bed because if I accidentally touch him in my sleep he gets upset so I try to stay far away unless he invites me closer (which he seldom does). The next morning we had a very intense but productive conversation where he finally told me that he has never felt sexually attracted to anyone and has no interest in sex or sexual acts. I do not think he has ever considered that he is asexual. I think he thinks there is something wrong with him and that he is a failure because he has these feelings. I love him and have tried to reassure him and support him. I have never tried to force any sexual act on him and have always said I don’t want him to try anything he is uncomfortable with. Anyway, my question for you is how did you and your wife make the decision to get married? Did you know about her asexuality before you got married and if not how did you move past the feelings of hurt, betrayal and failure that maybe you or your wife felt. My boyfriend feels these very strongly and told me how regretful he is for having wasted my time, but I don’t feel like it has been a waste. I don’t know if we can continue to be together in this way but I know I love him and want him to always be in my life even if nothing more than friendship is possible between us. What advice do you (or anyone else here) have for me? It is greatly appreciate. 

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CatsandDogs
On 7/25/2019 at 9:59 PM, Kyriee said:


hehe...
if you'd asked me that in ANY relationship before this one, I'd've said yes.
But then again, I've never had a sexless relationship before, either.

 

It's difficult, battling the need/want for the intimacy etc of sex with knowing that this is, without a doubt, the best and healthiest relationship I've ever been in, and my lifemate is such an amazing person that to leave Them just because They don't want to have sex seems (to me) ridiculous.

 

I guess They're the exception?

 

but as a disclaimer, the dry spell is wearing on me more as time goes on, and there may come a time when it does become a deal-breaker, and I have to pack my bags and leave.

 

 

 

Yes, this is how I feel...my boyfriend is one of the best people I’ve ever known and our relationship is so good in so many ways...except sexually. My close friends who know about our situation don’t understand how I could be with someone for so long and never have had sex with him but I point out that some of them don’t enjoy having sex with their husbands and are in a similar situation. My problem is that I enjoy sex and want to share that experience with my boyfriend and I cannot. It’s not the physical aspects that I miss as much as the way you connect with your partner. To me I feel that our connection suffers because of the lack of intimacy and security we would have if we could have sex. That’s what might be the dealbreaker aspect of this for me because I struggle with my desire for him and a closer connection between us that I don’t know how to fulfill (he is asexual).

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Kimchi Peanut
On 7/23/2019 at 6:53 PM, Fighting_For_Us said:

Maybe this is a bit personal, but hey that's what we're here for right? :)

 

My question is Do you guys [sexuals] think about sex daily/regularly? And if so, is it nice or uncomfortable?

 

Thanks!

Personally? I would say every other day for me and usually fleeting while I’m at home so neither nice nor uncomfortable. That’s when I’m not in the same country as my partner. When I am, probably most days and again, often fleeting but more nice because something can happen of it.

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TimeDelay
18 hours ago, CatsandDogs said:

 I believe he is struggling very deeply with his inability to be sexually attracted to me or anyone else.

 

For the past two years he led me on or made excuses for why sex wasn’t happening between us and tired of being hurt and rejected constantly I stopped trying.

 

I would say despite this we have been very happy but every now and again I question his love for me and I feel like my self esteem has suffered.

 

Two nights ago I was feeling very unhappy and told him how I felt. All I wanted was for him to be close to me in bed but he wouldn’t.

 

We sleep on the edges of the bed because if I accidentally touch him in my sleep he gets upset

 

so I try to stay far away unless he invites me closer (which he seldom does). 

 

I love him and have tried to reassure him and support him. I have never tried to force any sexual act on him and have always said I don’t want him to try anything he is uncomfortable with.

 

 the feelings of hurt, betrayal and failure that maybe you or your wife felt. My boyfriend feels these very strongly and told me how regretful he is for having wasted my time, but I don’t feel like it has been a waste.

 

I don’t know if we can continue to be together in this way but I know I love him and want him to always be in my life even if nothing more than friendship is possible between us. What advice do you (or anyone else here) have for me? It is greatly appreciate. 

 

I'm sorry, I didn't see your post until today but I think I noticed you have now found your way around a little more of this forum so perhaps you have received some helpful advice? I don't think what I will say is helpful as such, I'm sorry for that. You have found yourself in a very difficult and painful relationship. I am a woman married to an asexual man. He is gradually accepting he may be asexual and will never feel sexual attraction to anyone. He is in his late forties and no, didn't understand himself when we got together and then married, nearly 30 years ago. He tried to be something he is not for a long time. He blamed himself and then he blamed me. Then he blamed himself again. I love my husband deeply. I always have and likely always will.  Our relationship has harmed both of us a great deal. We are doing a little better now that we have 'discovered' asexuality.

I am not trying to upset you or find fault with your boyfriend but what you wrote also resonated powerfully with my own experience so can you look at how I have spaced out some statements you made, above? It reads like a very very mismatched relationship, doesn't it?  One person is suffering from lack of human touch, physical intimacy and a general sense of closeness. The other person does not want any of those things and does not love in a way that lets him offer them anyway.

If your boyfriend needs the kind of love that is expressed through comfortable companionship and maintaining a physical distance AT ALL TIMES, then this relationship will continue to cause him distress and discomfort.  If you need the kind of love that is expressed through reliable human touch and consistent physical intimacy then this relationship will continue to hurt you and it will impact negatively on all other areas of your life too. That sounds so dire but I cannot lie to you about this. What you went through that night, described above, will become a regular occurrence if you stay in this relationship. Only people who have experienced a mismatched relationship like this truly understand the full impact it can have on a persons emotional, psychological and physical well being. You have had two years of one so you know what it has done to your psyche already. Consider that night and these last two years on repeat for the next 10 years, or 20 years or 30 years. I truly am so sorry because no doubt your boyfriend is a good man who deserves someone to love him in the way that makes him happy. BUT so do you. Never forget that.

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CatsandDogs

Thank you so much @TimeDelay for your response and support. Finding this site has been so helpful to me already in just the two days since I discovered it. I think it’s really brave of everyone on here to share their thoughts, experiences and feelings so freely with one another. I started to cry this morning when I woke up and read a response I got from another woman who is in a similar situation to yours. Her advice to me was very similar and I cried because I felt like for the first time in the past couple of years my feelings were validated and understood. And I realized what I knew deep down for a long time: I have to end this relationship and learn how to move on. I would really like to stay friends with my boyfriend and think it would be very freeing for us both. We love each other and respect each other and I really do feel like he is my best friend. I think that removing the pressure and expectation  of being in a “romantic” relationship will allow us to flourish individually and together as friends. I hope he will be open to that but even if he rejects the idea I need to let go. I’ve never broken up with someone I was still in love with before but I need to remember the most important love anyone can have is with themselves. And even though it might sound selfish I need to love myself enough to go after everything I want. I can’t even imagine dating someone else but I know I need to give myself the freedom to find someone who will love me in all the ways I want. I know I will never find that if I stay in this relationship, and you’re right, the damage will only be worse for us both. 

 

I hope someday he can explore this site too and learn more earn more about himself through the experience of others. I hope he can learn to accept himself, stop blaming himself, and stop feeling like he is “a failure of a man.” It has been very enlightening for me to read the experiences of asexuals on this site because I know now that he is not ignoring me or blowing off my needs...he does love me but how he understands love is totally different to me. I want him to know there’s nothing wrong with him. It’s just different. I feel that having a community of people with similar experiences will help him realize he is ok and how he feels is ok. We are only in our 30s so I hope he can start to examine his sexuality (or lack thereof) soon, before he lives any more of his life in such misery. But I can’t do anything more than bring a horse to water. And what’s that saying about not being able to love someone else until you can love yourself? I hope he can one day achieve that and I will be there to support him however I can.

 

I am really sorry to hear that you and so so many other women I have connected with on here have had these experiences for as long as you have. You deserve a complete love too, and I hope you know that. I hope someday you find that, and thank you so much for your honest and inspiring words. 

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alibali

It's very brave of you. I think the rejection now would be better than what would inevitably happen, which is resentment over time. It's human nature and so we can't help it, however much we try to hide it or dampen it down.

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