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biggreenmonkey

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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ryn2
23 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

1. Get a cleaning lady/person and 💥 done

Divorce = cash is a precious commodity and I can only outsource what I literally cannot do, alas.

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CBC
24 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

AND DAMN, I ♥️ Emojis these days. I may be back in the crowd, but eventually I catch the crazy.

Haha I was thinking, did Traveler just discover emojis? :P 

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AceMissBehaving
8 hours ago, CBC said:

Oooh I just remembered something. This is probably weird, but... gooseberry pie. 😍 My mum and I would pick gooseberries at one of our neighbours' houses when I was really little, they had a fuckload of gooseberry bushes in their backyard. It's amazing.

I love gooseberry everything! We planted a bush that had just came to maturity right as we moved. The US needs to start getting behind gooseberry both as a fruit and flavor.

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CBC
3 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

I love gooseberry everything! We planted a bush that had just came to maturity right as we moved. The US needs to start getting behind gooseberry both as a fruit and flavor.

Also blackcurrant. It's my favourite fruit flavour and fairly rare in Canada and probably even more so in the States.

 

When I was a little kid, the tradition at my school was for parents to bring things like cupcakes in for their children's birthdays, like for the whole class. When I turned five in kindergarten, I asked my mum to bring bread and jam. Specifically, her homemade whole wheat bread and blackcurrant jam. Which she did, along with strawberry jam because she (not unreasonably) thought a lot of kids might find blackcurrant odd.

 

I was a strange little thing. :D 

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Traveler40

Is Blackcurrant the same as BlackCap?  We love to visit Montana.  Eva Gates in Big Fork sells the most divine jams.  Black Cap is my favorite.

 

Huckleberry is quite popular too, but sweeter and not nearly as good imho.

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ryn2

Currants are a bit like tiny grapes (whereas black caps are black raspberries).  They are used a lot dried (like mini-raisins) in the US but preserves are less common.

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CBC

So, confusingly, the dried things called currants actually are a type of tiny grape (Zante grapes). Blackcurrants (and redcurrants and gooseberries) are a different thing, all species of the Ribes genus.

 

Blackcurrants, redcurrants, gooseberries:

 

 

F3-A8-BAD8-74-BE-4192-9187-FB05-A9-FDDB7

7-E22-F251-7-F18-41-E8-8-B6-C-2-D2-B57-A

0-A2865-B9-B659-4642-8-A47-6-AF2-A5-D47-

 

And this concludes my slightly embarrassingly dorky mini TED Talk about lesser-known fruits. 🙃

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CBC

Also I had to google "black caps"... never heard that term before! Apparently they're what we just call black raspberries here (not to be confused with blackberries).

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ryn2

That makes sense.  I always wondered why the fresh ones tasted so different.

 

Black caps and red caps are old-fashioned names for the various raspberries where I live.  My parents’ generation used them but I haven’t heard anyone else say either in ages.

 

Agreed that blackberries =/= black raspberries, although both are yummy.

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CBC

Yeah, black raspberries and blackberries have a different structures. Black raspberries are hollow in the middle after being removed from the stem (like red raspberries) and blackberries have a whitish core.

 

And interesting... never heard anyone say "black caps" here, even my gran, who made it to 105 and used plenty of old-timey phrases, haha.

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Skullery Maid

We have marionberries, which are annoyingly just blackberries. I mean I love blackberries but just, like, call them blackberries please. 😂

 

Never heard of black caps but I'd have assumed they were poisonous based on the name. 

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ryn2

I’d guess they got the name because when they’re picked off the cane/stem they are like little hats?  But that’s just a guess.

 

Must be regional.  My parents grew up in the 1920’s near the NY/PA border; their parents (were first-generation immigrants, or) grew up in northern PA.

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Skullery Maid
37 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Must be regional.  My parents grew up in the 1920’s near the NY/PA border; their parents (were first-generation immigrants, or) grew up in northern PA.

That area is so... culturally specific. 😂 Definitely a lot of regional phrases. I'm originally from Northern Wisconsin, so, similar issue but without the more religious influences of the East coast. 

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Asexual_Fujoshi

How would you feel if you had a Fwb whose in the process of discovering their asexuality (they dont know their ace yet)/ experimenting with sexual stuff due to curiosity? Like their willing to try whatever you want but they dont want you to touching them (in their lower half), they dont get the same "release" as you, after doing the deed.

 

 

 

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alibali

If someone is upfront that they are experimenting and it really is fwb, everyone is being honest surely. Neither is tied. As for whether someone is ace or not, or is on some kind of scale that's something only they can label themselves with because only they know how they feel.

 

Note that "release" is probably not the same for someone who is ace. There's a biological "release" for most people including aces, but in my own personal experience the best it made me feel was the meh side of ok. It didn't make me feel good or closer to someone.

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nomoreworldslikethis

so, from the reading i've done on the threads for/by sexuals (mainly the sexual compromise & support thread), it seems to me that it is very very difficult---if not nigh-impossible---to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with someone who is sexual and has an average to high libido if you are asexual and sex-repulsed, regardless of how much love and trust is involved in the relationship. am i totally wrong in coming to this conclusion? i apologize if my interpretation of things is completely distorted---i am not in a good frame of mind at all right now (it is probably easy to surmise why). this is also my first post on AVEN, so i'm sure i messed something up. 

Edited by nomoreworldslikethis
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AceMissBehaving
31 minutes ago, nomoreworldslikethis said:

so, from the reading i've done on the threads for/by sexuals (mainly the sexual compromise & support thread), it seems to me that it is very very difficult---if not nigh-impossible---to maintain a healthy romantic relationship with someone who is sexual and has an average to high libido if you are asexual and sex-repulsed, regardless of how much love and trust is involved in the relationship. am i totally wrong in coming to this conclusion? i apologize if my interpretation of things is completely distorted---i am not in a good frame of mind at all right now (it is probably easy to surmise why). this is also my first post on AVEN, so i'm sure i messed something up. 

It's certainly not easy. Very few sexual people can go forever without having sex, if some kind of compromise for sex with the asexual individual is off the table, some people have had luck with opening a relationship to allow for the sexual person to have other sexual partners if that is something people involved are comfortable with.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Although my sex drive is high, my romanticism is off the charts.  I was willing to be in a sexless relationship in the beginning when that's where my boyfriend's boundaries were, and still am in the future if it means I can be with him.  Being with him is better than sex.

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Skullery Maid
1 hour ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Although my sex drive is high, my romanticism is off the charts.  

x2

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alibali
4 hours ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Although my sex drive is high, my romanticism is off the charts.  I was willing to be in a sexless relationship in the beginning when that's where my boyfriend's boundaries were, and still am in the future if it means I can be with him.  Being with him is better than sex.

For some it will be about the person, but be careful.

 

You don't know how you will feel in the future and whether you will start valuing sex more than the person.

 

I know now that I have always been asexual.

 

My ex ended up losing sight of me as a person and I left. He said valued me as a person again after i left but it was too late for me.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
3 hours ago, alibali said:

For some it will be about the person, but be careful.

 

You don't know how you will feel in the future and whether you will start valuing sex more than the person.

 

I know now that I have always been asexual.

 

My ex ended up losing sight of me as a person and I left. He said valued me as a person again after i left but it was too late for me.

I'm 39.  I've left behind a cheating husband, and was abandoned by another while in the hospital.  Sex is so low on my list of importance.  Trust.  Trust is high.

 

Also, I'm sorry about your ex.  My last husband pulled that shit with me too.  He still chases after me, and we have a daughter so I'm forced to interact with him, but I get pretty angry when he tries to get back with me.

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CBC
8 hours ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Although my sex drive is high, my romanticism is off the charts.  I was willing to be in a sexless relationship in the beginning when that's where my boyfriend's boundaries were, and still am in the future if it means I can be with him.  Being with him is better than sex.

That's actually where/why I would encounter a problem... if I feel highly romantic towards someone, that increases the need to express it sexually, and it would make a sexless relationship harder. To stay in a relationship without sex I would basically need to have no romantic interest in my partner. Which is actually exactly what my marriage was like (for multiple reasons) when we still considered ourselves to be a couple (don't anymore despite still sharing living quarters and not yet being legally divorced).

 

But yeah, I'm into the romance and that's why the sex is pretty much necessary. A highly romantic relationship without sex sounds horrible to me. 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

@CBC yeah, we all have our line in the sand.  I couldn't do without sensual touch.  I need to be held, or to hold intimately.  It would definitely break me if I couldn't have that.

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AceMissBehaving
24 minutes ago, CBC said:

That's actually where/why I would encounter a problem... if I feel highly romantic towards someone, that increases the need to express it sexually, and it would make a sexless relationship harder. To stay in a relationship without sex I would basically need to have no romantic interest in my partner. Which is actually exactly what my marriage was like when we still considered ourselves to be a couple (don't anymore despite still sharing living quarters and not yet being legally divorced).

 

But yeah, I'm into the romance and that's why the sex is pretty much necessary. A highly romantic relationship without sex sounds horrible to me. 

That’s where I run into issues most with my husband. I’m a highly romantic person, but not a sexual one. For him romantic feelings and sexual feelings are (as is typical) deeply tied together. 

 

It can be a hard balance to strike when both people are highly romantically inclined, but one needs sex and the other no sex to maintain a solid connection. We seem to have found the sweet spot for equilibrium currently, but it’s like balancing on a ball, it requires constant mindfulness and effort to keep it there. I can easily understand it not being worth the trouble for most people.

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Anthracite_Impreza
14 hours ago, nomoreworldslikethis said:

am i totally wrong in coming to this conclusion?

Nope, most sexuals aren't gonna be happy without sex, and forcing yourself into sex if you're repulsed is going to damage you mentally and emotionally. The two sides are simply incompatible, with no fault on either side.

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questdrivencollie

I don't think I've asked this yet, at least I hope not

How often do sexuals/romantics experience attraction? 

For me (I identify as grey/demi), it's been quite rare. I've had two instances of notable romantic attraction (crushes), that formed under specific circumstances, and maybe three or four instances of aesthetic attraction coupled with very slight romantic interest ("maybe if I got to know them--"). It's been years since I've experienced that, however, and it was all in my late teens/early 20's. Anymore, I just don't give a darn.
I've only ever been sexually attracted to one person, and it wasn't strong. It was one of the people I had a crush on.

 

I expect crushes don't happen all the time, but surely some form of romantic attraction is a fairly common occurrence for allos? What about sexual attraction?

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
34 minutes ago, questdrivencollie said:

I don't think I've asked this yet, at least I hope not

How often do sexuals/romantics experience attraction? 

For me (I identify as grey/demi), it's been quite rare. I've had two instances of notable romantic attraction (crushes), that formed under specific circumstances, and maybe three or four instances of aesthetic attraction coupled with very slight romantic interest ("maybe if I got to know them--"). It's been years since I've experienced that, however, and it was all in my late teens/early 20's. Anymore, I just don't give a darn.
I've only ever been sexually attracted to one person, and it wasn't strong. It was one of the people I had a crush on.

 

I expect crushes don't happen all the time, but surely some form of romantic attraction is a fairly common occurrence for allos? What about sexual attraction?

I think that will vary greatly from person to person. For me, I don't experience a lot of that aesthetic attraction towards men or masc presenting peeps, But I very much appreciate the female aesthetic and androgeny. However I tend to get romantically entangled with men more often than women.  I haven't had a lot of relationships, but they're usually long lasting.  But whoever I'm attracted to romantically, I feel that attraction often.  Like several times a day currently.

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CBC
18 hours ago, questdrivencollie said:

How often do sexuals/romantics experience attraction? 

I have no idea how to answer this. I spend most of my time at home doing stuff by myself and I've never really been one to actively search out dates/partners (I pay very little attention to other people as a whole really), but of course as a romantic and sexual person, I'm certainly capable of feeling interest. I still have literally no clue how to reply though. There's a difference between "Ooh, that girl is pretty!" and "I have a passing casual crush on this person because I think they're funny/smart/interesting" and "I love my partner and right now I feel really attracted to them". I mean, I consider myself always attracted to my partner, but obviously that doesn't equate to constantly obsessing over them or wanting to behave romantically 24/7 or experiencing perpetual sexual arousal.

 

So I dunno how to answer.

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questdrivencollie

I guess a better wording for the question is, how often do you feel attracted to others?

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CBC

That's... the same question?

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