Fellow Sexuals

[Percivel]

Coming up on 24.

[nansialex]

We had our 30th on 5/18.

[Sally]

I had a relationship with a sexual for 35 years -- we're still friends.

Percivel, on 04 Apr 2014 - 04:37 AM, said:

What we sexuals thought was "normal" in the beginning when sexual intimacy might have been better was likely not very normal for our aces. It was likely a very difficult time for them to be and do things that were extremely uncomfortable and against their "nature." We might think of it as us being fooled by our partner, but they were most likely in a similar quagmire we find ourselves in now. No matter how important it was for someone I love dearly, they could never prod/force me into being gay or participating in gay sexual intimacy (because I'm not gay). That is what we are asking of our aces.

That's just a great way to put it, Percivel. I love the way you say "our aces" -- as though we were regarded with affection, not just frustration.

[kelrhys]

Brand new to this site...I am here because my husband of 11 years is asexual. We have 2 kids (9 and 7) and while I had realized he wasn't exactly a high-libido person (except right in the beginning of our relationship - he really fooled me there!) it wasn't until I got pregnant with our second child that he dropped the act. Countless discussions, self-help books, and a few months of marriage counseling did not help at all, and eventually I came across the term asexual and asked him if that might be the issue and he said it was. I know he didn't fool me on purpose, but like Tapestry I do feel deceived all the same. He knows how I feel but it just seems to be a moot point.

I am here to see how to work through this somehow. I don't want a divorce, I love my husband and we have a good life together as a family. He is not on this site, he's not really into the self-help thing at all and is perfectly happy with things the way they are.

Has anyone here read The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein? My fantasy ideal solution would be to opt in a co-husband. Kinda frowned upon on Earth though :(

Thanks for listening :)

[Down in Texas]

We have been married almost 42 years.

And I am sorry to say I have not read that book kelrhys.

[MJ_79]

I'm also a n00b - I'm here as I'm 99.9% certain that my husband is asexual. We've been together for 9 years, and have 3 children together. Like kelrhys, I knew my hubby wasn't high-libido (except in the beginning), but when it got to the point that going a year, year and a half between encounters, it became unbearable. It seemed there was always an excuse - he didn't like sex when I was pregnant, then we were on opposite shifts and it just never worked out, then it was because of his vasectomy. He went to the doctor and had his testosterone tested (it was fine) and was prescribed medication, which didn't help at all because Viagra/Cialis and the like don't give you the desire to have sex, it just gives you the ability. TBH, the meds just made me feel shittier, like my hubby needed medication to sleep with me? What was wrong with me?

This site is an absolute godsend - I was literally in tears reading through the FAQ's & Q&A's. All I can feel is an immense sense of relief, knowing what the truth is, and knowing that there is nothing wrong with him, or myself. To have a place to get information, learn to understand, learn how to support. I honestly don't feel at all deceived, as I know he was not trying to fool me into thinking he was something he wasn't - he was trying to live up to societies boxed-in, stereotyped expectation of what a man was supposed to be. How could he do otherwise when from a young age boys are taught that they are supposed to be total horndogs that try to sleep with anything and anyone? That his very existence as a man is dependant on his sexual prowess and ability?

I'm hoping to speak to him and help him understand this aspect of himself, and that it doesn't make him 'less than' in any way. I am a very sexual person, so I don't know what we will end up doing, only that we have a long road ahead - but at least we will be going forward knowing what we are dealing with and what our differences are, instead of floundering around in the dark. Hopefully we can find a solution or compromise that works for us both, as I love him very dearly and I definitely don't want our marriage to end - however, I can't see spending the rest of my life as an involuntary celibate, either.

Apologies for the long-winded post, apparently relief makes me chatty...

[Kiboko]

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all.

Oh boy do I feel your pain. I also feel hurt, deceived and rejected. We've no children (other than our two cats), but I don't want to leave him. It's the fact that he won't talk about it that really hurts and he tries to a) blame it on me while b) buying himself some more time. I can't stand the false hope and limbo and feel that I need to put down a boundary of my own. I would rather say that we will never have sex again rather than have this go on indefinitely. Blaming me usually takes the form of accusing me of 'going on about it' (I mention it about once every 3 - 4 months and if he gave me a straight answer, I wouldn't need to ask), calling me 'a pervert' for having sexual desires, saying if all I care about is sex, I should leave now (if that were the case, I would've left him a long time ago), and accusing me of trying to fit him into my arbitrary timescale. I just want the truth. Not sex, just the truth, which I don't think is unreasonable. Recently, he's said he'll look at the issue of him not wanting sex in November when he finishes placement, then said he wouldn't be finishing it until next January 2015. Now he's saying he'll look at it at the end of his degree in July 2015, meaning it will be over two years without sex.

If your husband isn't interested in sex, then he shouldn't be jealous about you having sex with other people. One of the things that made me suspect my partner of being asexual was his complete and total lack of sexual jealousy. Discuss it with your husband and if you are both agreed on it, then it might be worth considering going elsewhere for sex. Personally, my opinion is that everyone has the right to define their own limits and state that they don't want to have sex. They don't get to make that call for anyone else. That's having your cake and eating it and really selfish to boot.

i dont think there is any doubt that being with an asexual is devastating for us "over-sexxed" folks. self esteem goes into the crapper and sometimes sadness overwhelms. i guess i'm lurking on here to find a mature sexual for possibilities. i know, dim witted but what's the alternative ? Leaving my life partner because of something she didn't ask for and can't help ?

I still have much to offer both spiritually and physically - having no outlet is a burden. enough rant- anyone have suggestions for bearing up under such a relationship ? secret techniques ? medidation ? masturbation ? mediation ?

Nope, other than trying not to think about it. I'm keeping a lid on it for now as I'm scared that if I start crying, I won't stop.

Brand new to this site...I am here because my husband of 11 years is asexual. We have 2 kids (9 and 7) and while I had realized he wasn't exactly a high-libido person (except right in the beginning of our relationship - he really fooled me there!) it wasn't until I got pregnant with our second child that he dropped the act. Countless discussions, self-help books, and a few months of marriage counseling did not help at all, and eventually I came across the term asexual and asked him if that might be the issue and he said it was. I know he didn't fool me on purpose, but like Tapestry I do feel deceived all the same. He knows how I feel but it just seems to be a moot point.

I am here to see how to work through this somehow. I don't want a divorce, I love my husband and we have a good life together as a family. He is not on this site, he's not really into the self-help thing at all and is perfectly happy with things the way they are.

Has anyone here read The Moon is a Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein? My fantasy ideal solution would be to opt in a co-husband. Kinda frowned upon on Earth though :(

Thanks for listening :)

Mine was like that in the beginning too, very highly sexed, all driven by him. In fact we cut short our first date to go and have sex. I'm not stupid, I know that every relationship has a honeymoon period and the frequency of sex tails off. I'm 45, so I should know that by now. It just shouldn't come to a complete, grinding halt. I feel very hurt and betrayed, mostly because he won't even discuss it. He just says he'll 'look into it' next year. NEXT YEAR!! If he was honest with me, I could decide what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. We might even be able to come to a compromise (co-husband sounds feasible). I would never withhold something so important from him. I have a progressive, degenerative disability that without treatment will leave me wheelchair bound. Treatment in this country is virtually impossible to obtain. I told him this BEFORE our first date and made him go away and think about the implications. All I'm asking for is the same honesty in return, and I don't think that's unreasonable.

What we sexuals thought was "normal" in the beginning when sexual intimacy might have been better was likely not very normal for our aces. It was likely a very difficult time for them to be and do things that were extremely uncomfortable and against their "nature." We might think of it as us being fooled by our partner, but they were most likely in a similar quagmire we find ourselves in now. No matter how important it was for someone I love dearly, they could never prod/force me into being gay or participating in gay sexual intimacy (because I'm not gay). That is what we are asking of our aces.

Making the decision to stay in a sexual intimacy-less relationship must come first. If we choose to stay, then we have to accept them as they are and come to some sort of compromise with our beloved...one that we both can live with, all the while taking the risk that both partners might not (be able to) contribute equally. We then need to accept the cards we were dealt with. If we choose to stay, then we don't get any new cards. We have to make the best hand we can with the cards we have. We might not have a royal flush. We might not even have a full house. Perhaps we only have a pair of three's (because of the lack of sexual intimacy). But, a pair of three's beats a king high and a pair of two's. We can still "win the hand" if we focus on changing ourselves...our attitude towards the cards we have. Because the cards cannot change.

We all know this is not easy to do. It takes lots of work, time, gutwrenching heartache...and thinking of ourselves less. No it is not easy. There are many who just "fold."

I'm not asking him to have sex with me, I'm asking him to tell me the truth :-(

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

You didn't do anything wrong.

[Sally]

Kiboko, on 21 Jun 2014 - 6:40 PM, said:

Percivel, on 15 Apr 2014 - 03:58 AM, said:

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Cheating means not being honest with your partner. If you'd told her about it when it started, she might not distrust you.

[Kiboko]

Hi everyone. I'm kind of embarassed to be here but I've gone without a support network for long enough and I need to take care of myself so...here I am.

I skimmed through most of this thread and found myself surprised that there are other people out there who feel like I do. I'm a sexual (perhaps hypersexual...I'm not sure) person in a relationship with a grey-ace/asexual person. There are lots of other factors in our relationship but I need some support with the sexual stuff first.

We've been dating for almost 3.5 years now, live together, plan to get married and have children eventually. He was my 'first' and has been my only sexual partner to this point. Like his other relationships, he was extremely sexual for the first year or so of our relationship and its deteriorated from there. I've struggled with a lot of blaming myself, not being as pretty as his ex, not being attentive enough, etc, etc. He found out about asexuality via tumblr I think and we had a conversation about it and he blamed himself a lot for not figuring it out sooner, etc. I think, sometimes, he feels like he has betrayed me for not knowing sooner but I don't feel that way. A lot of our conversations are reassuring each other about percieved feelings vs actual feelings.

Anyways, I have struggled with explaining to him exactly what it is I miss about sex but someone around here nailed it. It's the intimacy, not the sex itself. We've struggled recreating the intimacy through other activities and have succeeded at times and other times I just cry and cry and it feels like there is a hole in my chest because I don't feel like we're close anymore. He's become slightly sex-repulsed too, which makes me feel like a monster for ever even asking or thinking about wanting to intiate sex with him. I feel dirty and perverted and sometimes abusive for just thinking about it. And I know that's not true but in my worst, most depressed days....it's so hard not to.

We opened up our relationship last summer after a lot of long hard talks (he's been burned by them before and was reluctant) but we both agreed that it could help me deal with my need for intimacy that he can't provide me. Went on a few dates but he wasn't ready for me to have sex with other people so nothing panned out from that and I've just lost my self-esteem and my guilt for wanting sex has prevented me from seeking out partners. So I'm in a cycle of self-hatred and here I am. Asking for help. I know there's no cure, I'm not asking for one, but I guess I just am glad to hear that there are others like me, trying to make it in a sexual/asexual relationship. I want to do it. He's my One, you know? I didn't believe in it until I met him. I can't give up but I can't keep hating myself for my own sexuality either.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm not sure I'd be able to have sex with anyone either, but I'd like the option to be open to me as it would be an acknowledgement that I have feelings too. At the moment, it feels like everything is on his terms and I just have to drift along doing what he wants. I think if I had some agency, some control of my own destiny, even if it the right to weigh up the possibility of another man, but say no, I would feel better and more in control. He keeps saying, "You know how much I love you, don't you?". Well no, I don't. If he loved me, he would be honest with me and not hurt me the way he does.

[WhoNeedsLabels?]

I'm on here because despite being pansexual, I'm grey-aromantic and I don't know any others irl to relate to. Plus, I've always been fascinated by the discussions on here :)

[Kiboko]

He will not share himself with me emotionally, spiritually, physically or verbally. I feel so lonely (and not just to "have it off"). We are essentially roommates who handle childcare and household chores. He is a good person, but as long as he has male friends he does not need me. I feel as if we (me and our children) are getting in the way of what he'd rather be doing - going to work, getting home, going to hang out with his buddies next door. This post is long - it is such a relief to find a forum in which I am not the only one who is dealing with a sexual/asexual partnership. Thanks for reading and for providing this resource!!

I'm in the same situation and as much as I love him, I'm angry, hurt, lonely and confused. But he's ok, so that's all that matters. We are also essentially roommates. I want to scream at him for being selfish, not because he can't give me something he doesn't have to give, but because he won't be honest about it and would rather not deal with my feelings. My initial response was anger towards your husband, overwhelming anger that he could do this to you. Then I realised that it wasn't him I was angry with and it's the first time I've realised I'm angry. I want to tell you to divorce the selfish pig, he won't notice anyway. But then I look at my own relationship. I do love him and he loves me and he would be devastated if he lost me and vice versa. He doesn't understand that not talking about a problem doesn't make it go away. I don't think he has any comprehension of what he's doing to me as he's happy with his head in the sand.

Is this something asexuals do regularly? How can you say, well, it's fine, and then rescind that permission once your sexual partner is happy? How is it "cheating" if you got permission?

The permission given was to seek sex (at least, that's how Percivel has said it to us), not necessarily an intimate relationship with another. Even if an asexual can detach themself from sex and its usual implications, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're ok with allowing the sexual partner to go and find other relationship partners. I'm willing to bet that if anything, the wife in this scenario was thinking more along the lines of a hooker/prostitute or your preferred other sort of source of "no strings attached" sex.

Unfortuntately, it's not that simple. As has been mentioned before (which asexuals don't seem to understand), it's not just about the physical act. If only it were that easy! I couldn't have sex with a prostitute or just have sex with some random man. I would feel dirty, replused and physically ill. If I were to have sex with anyone else, he would have to be a friend and sex be just one aspect of our relationship. I'm not sure I could do even that, but I do know that I couldn't just arrange a cold, clinical, hook-up. I am trying really hard not to be angry with asexuals, but honestly, this feels like them saying, "Go on, go and have sex with a prostitute, you filthy sexual. It's all you deserve!! I'm not going to have sex with you ever, but if you have sex, I reserve the right to go to bed and cry for a month, because you are such a bad, bad, person for having sexual needs and desires". This is a serious screwing with our heads. It makes no sense and is totally unfair.

I strongly support being honest and telling him if you are going to have sex with other people. I think if he doesn't want sex, he doesn't have the right to object to you getting it from someone else!

I disagree. I think that an asexual spouse who doesn't want sex does have a right to object to their partner getting it from someone else. They may have all kinds of reasons to object that are within reason.

Sure, they might have all sorts of reasons why they wouldn't want it, but I don't think it's a fair thing to request.

I agree with Lady Girl: An asexual spouse could easily have emotional issues with their partner going to someone else for sex, and it's important to respect that. Of course the non-asexual spouse's needs are important too, but some other compromise would have to be reached. If necessary, a divorce.

There could also be safety concerns, time and energy problems along with the emotional issues. It may not seem fair, but the spouse certainly has a right to object. Both people should want that option for it to be a real solution (at least that's what I think).

I think the asexuals in this are being incredibly selfish as this all seems to be about their needs and feelings and they seem to be the ones calling all the shots. I don't eat meat or fish. That doesn't give me the right to tell my partner that he's not allowed to eat them either, regardless of what my reasons might be. If you don't want to have sex, no one, and I mean no one, including your spouse has the right to force, pressure, or coerce you in anyway. But you don't get to decide and enforce for your spouse either. You can't have it both ways. Otherwise, you could end up with a whole list of things your spouse 'isn't allowed' to do and they become prisoners in their own lives. The more I read, the more I think that relationships between sexuals/asexuals aren't possible because both parties aren't having their feelings respected. The compromise seems all on the side of the sexuals. Doing what's right doesn't mean doing what's easy and if I was the asexual, I would be tempted to set my sexual partner free. At the very least, I would tell them the truth and not string them along.

I'm here because I have nowhere else to turn for support, I have no friends that I can talk to about any of this. I'm a sexual married to a possible asexual/gray a. We haven't been intimate in over 7 months, it's tearing me apart inside. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I long to feel his touch and for him to desire me the way that I desire him. There are times that I feel like some sick pervert because my every waking thought is about making love to my husband, remembering the last time we were intimate and how unbelievably hot it was. It's not like that all the time, some days are worse than others. I have both good days (able to go about my business with little to no thoughts about sex) and I have my bad days (crying, depressed, severe anxiety, thinking non stop about lovemaking with my husband), I'm not even sure if I have more good days or more bad days anymore.

I have tried talking to him a couple of times, he's not sure if he's asexual, he does admit that he does have a very low sex drive, however based on our previous conversations, he really seems to identify with being asexual/gray a.

I've been lurking on these forums on and off as a guest for months now, I just wish there was more information and support for partners of asexuals. There are just so many emotions to deal with, so many things that I can't even begin to express and I just want to find somewhere I can turn for that support without feeling judged or made to feel as though there is something wrong with me because I want all of those things with my partner, things that at one point were there but haven't been in quite some time.

I'm in the same situation. For me, it's been 13 months since any sex at all (a one off in May last year that was a disaster) and the time before that (which was amazing) was January 2013. Feel free to PM me.

I also know that both partners hurt in these situations: after realizing what the Sexual partners are experiencing, the Asexual partners end up feeling the constant pain and struggling with the chronic guilt or "failure" of being unable to fulfill needs of the Sexual partners whom they love.

But feel free to vent here. Yell, scream, kick, say whatever you feel to say to relieve the pressure to help you cope. We get it, we won't condemn you, we'll listen.

But do they though? Do they really understand if they can't experience it themselves? As mine won't talk to me, I feel I'm carrying a world's worth of pain all by myself. I'm also angry with the asexuals who say, "You can't do that as you might hurt your asexual partner." Is that how it works? Are they shielded from all the pain, leaving us to carry all of it and any attempt by us to alleviate it (even with their permisson), is met with even more pain and guilt for us?

(Trigger Warning)

I am here because I'm a sexual in a relationship with a man I suspect is asexual (and aspergers) who refuses to talk about it. Sometimes I deal with it. At other times I feel like killing myself. I don't know what the answer is, but it helps to know I'm not alone.

Edited June 22, 2014 by Lady Girl
added trigger warning

[Lady Girl]

I think the asexuals in this are being incredibly selfish as this all seems to be about their needs and feelings and they seem to be the ones calling all the shots. I don't eat meat or fish. That doesn't give me the right to tell my partner that he's not allowed to eat them either, regardless of what my reasons might be. If you don't want to have sex, no one, and I mean no one, including your spouse has the right to force, pressure, or coerce you in anyway. But you don't get to decide and enforce for your spouse either. You can't have it both ways. Otherwise, you could end up with a whole list of things your spouse 'isn't allowed' to do and they become prisoners in their own lives. The more I read, the more I think that relationships between sexuals/asexuals aren't possible because both parties aren't having their feelings respected. The compromise seems all on the side of the sexuals. Doing what's right doesn't mean doing what's easy and if I was the asexual, I would be tempted to set my sexual partner free. At the very least, I would tell them the truth and not string them along.

...I'm also angry with the asexuals who say, "You can't do that as you might hurt your asexual partner." Is that how it works? Are they shielded from all the pain, leaving us to carry all of it and any attempt by us to alleviate it (even with their permisson), is met with even more pain and guilt for us?

I know you're very hurt and angry...I've been there myself and I'm really sorry for how you feel right now. Some of these comments I realize are you venting some of the thoughts you have, but I wanted to mention a couple of things in regards to them (some of my thoughts on the matter). Please don't take it as me saying you are wrong for feeling this way (you're not), it's just that other viewpoints could possibly help alleviate some of your pain.

You are right, the asexual partner can't force you to remain faithful. However, you can't force them to stay married to you if you do have sex elsewhere. It just gets kind of ugly when "you can't make me" or "you can't stop me" starts being the guideline for a relationship. In fact, I would guess it's a move away from understanding and loving and a step towards bitterness and resentment.

I also wanted to mention that it's not always just the sexual partner who is suffering and feeling emotional stress. Sometimes people who "don't talk about issues" actually have talked about it (but weren't heard or acknowledged or didn't say what the louder stronger person wanted to hear). It's also possible that people who have trouble talking about sex with their partner feel like complete and total failures...their silence is sometimes filled with pain; we who cry and scream just don't realize it because that's not how we operate. It's just something to consider.

I do know how you feel, and how infuriating it can be. I'm sorry it's like this for you and I hope something changes for the better.

[Sally]

Kiboko, on 21 Jun 2014 - 7:03 PM, said:

He doesn't understand that not talking about a problem doesn't make it go away. I don't think he has any comprehension of what he's doing to me as he's happy with his head in the sand.

.

Talking about a problem -- when it's a big difference in sexuality between two partners -- doesn't make it go away either. As an asexual who has had long relationships with sexuals, believe me, we're not "happy with our head in the sand". If our partner is as obviously unhappy and angry as you demonstrate in this thread, we're not likely to be happy.

The point I'm making is that neither partner can change themselves just to make the other happy. Expecting an asexual to want and enjoy sex is just as useless as expecting a sexual not to want or enjoy sex. We are who we are, as individuals. What we all have to do is decide whether our relationships are healthy for us, and then either stay or go.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

I'm in the same situation and as much as I love him, I'm angry, hurt, lonely and confused. But he's ok, so that's all that matters. We are also essentially roommates. I want to scream at him for being selfish, not because he can't give me something he doesn't have to give, but because he won't be honest about it and would rather not deal with my feelings. My initial response was anger towards your husband, overwhelming anger that he could do this to you. Then I realised that it wasn't him I was angry with and it's the first time I've realised I'm angry. I want to tell you to divorce the selfish pig, he won't notice anyway. But then I look at my own relationship. I do love him and he loves me and he would be devastated if he lost me and vice versa. He doesn't understand that not talking about a problem doesn't make it go away. I don't think he has any comprehension of what he's doing to me as he's happy with his head in the sand.

As a sexual person who's dating an sexual, I don't think my girl thinks she has her head in the sand.

In fact, I think she puts much more pressure on herself - in our relationship - than I possibly could. She knows my stance regarding being in a relationship ruled by expectation and obligation. I've had those before - several of them, in fact - and none of them have ended well.

I put no pressure on her. I don't expect anything of her - other than that she love me, and be honest with me.

You want what you want - and I don't blame you for how you feel. How you feel is, after all, how you feel. However, if you're going to allow your entitlement to drive a wedge between you and your partner, then you are inviting an unwanted houseguest into your home: resentment.

Right now, I see The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse entering into your relationship. I encourage you to click and read the link. It's an interesting article. I don't know if either of you have considered or attempted counselling, but I would recommend it - not only to possibly work through the issues that stand between the two of you, but to allow each of you to be able to look at things (and each other) with a degree of objectivity - as I suspect that is something that is lacking currently.

[Percivel]

Kiboko,

I think many of us sexuals have often thought what you have expressed. It's part of the "self talk" LG once mentioned. It often seems more like "self arguing". At times these conversations in our head seem oh so real. Other times we kick ourselves for even thinking such things. I often felt like Jekyl and Hyde.

My wife communicates very poorly and I had to figure out most on my own and here at Aven. My wife is constantly feeling embarrassed, shameful and inadequate for being asexual. It crushes her that it is so hard on me. My wife likes to be in control of her life and she has no control over this. But she has to deal with it. She has to deal with it in her own way. She had to find a way that she could come to terms with it just as you have to find a way to come to terms with your relationship. Its no easy task. It's an every day challenge.

I think my wife, without saying it, was counting on me to be able to come to terms with our mixed relationship. She could only do so much...being repulsed to sex. That doesn't make me the hero. Perhaps it only makes me a fool. But....I am her fool...and, I think, her hero, too. And that's where I want to be.

[erilana]

I'm sexual and brand new here. My boyfriend told me has no interest in sex and, since I'm a very sexual and generally physical person, I'm just trying to understand. A friend directed me here, even though my boyfriend doesn't consider himself to be asexual, and I'm still figuring out my way around.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

I'm sexual and brand new here. My boyfriend told me has no interest in sex and, since I'm a very sexual and generally physical person, I'm just trying to understand. A friend directed me here, even though my boyfriend doesn't consider himself to be asexual, and I'm still figuring out my way around.

Welcome aboard, erilana. Here's the obligatory cake that all new members get:

I'm also a sexual person in a relationship with someone asexual - you're definitely not alone, here. :)

[Down in Texas]

Unless you are prepared to live the rest of your life the same way I suggest you get out. I have been married for just about 42 years now and it doesn't get any better. If you need more than you are getting now then chances are things will only decline not increase. As hard as my husband claims he wishes to change within just a very short time things go right back to the way they were because he simply does not have sex as a priority in his memory and for me to constantly remind him only exasperated the problem for both of us.

I know there are some on here that accuse me of being bitter I am not. I am only stating my opinion.

[Percivel]

Welcome Arilana!

I think that many of us sexuals really wrestle with the idea that lack of sex and intimacy might be dealbreakers. We don't want to sound shallow or sound like we're just horny all the time. We're all different but for many of us it's pretty high on the list of relationship importance. You're here because your lack of sex/intimacy is getting to you. And that's okay.

Among all the emotion and thoughts that have gone through your head you are probably quite a bit scared and nervous. You love your man and want to continue the relationship but don't know what lies ahead and whether or not you can handle this.

All I can say is that a mixed relationship is very hard. It's not for everyone. I would suggest you continue to try to communicate with him and continue to evaluate yourself. He also might not want to stay in the relationship if it might cause you so much struggle and pain.

[Guest]

I think that many of us sexuals really wrestle with the idea that lack of sex and intimacy might be dealbreakers. We don't want to sound shallow or sound like we're just horny all the time.

From an ace weighing in...

Seriously, you shouldn't have to wrestle with that. You, just like the partner you are with, and just like everyone in the world, have a right to have dealbreakers and draw boundaries, and there's no shame in it if sex happens to be one of them for you. That's not being shallow, it's taking care of your own needs. You know, that stuff grown-ups do. :)

I think that "don't break up over sex" is one of those toxic societal myths about relationships, and if there's something to wrestle with, then it's wrestling free from that myth. If something is important enough for to make you seriously unhappy (let alone long-term depressed), then hell yes, it's important enough to consider breaking up over... ideally in a mutually respectful way. Sacrifice =/= love.

[joesantus]

I think that many of us sexuals really wrestle with the idea that lack of sex and intimacy might be dealbreakers. We don't want to sound shallow or sound like we're just horny all the time.

From an ace weighing in...

Seriously, you shouldn't have to wrestle with that. You, just like the partner you are with, and just like everyone in the world, have a right to have dealbreakers and draw boundaries, and there's no shame in it if sex happens to be one of them for you. That's not being shallow, it's taking care of your own needs. You know, that stuff grown-ups do. :)

I think that "don't break up over sex" is one of those toxic societal myths about relationships, and if there's something to wrestle with, then it's wrestling free from that myth. If something is important enough for to make you seriously unhappy (let alone long-term depressed), then hell yes, it's important enough to consider breaking up over... ideally in a mutually respectful way. Sacrifice =/= love.

As a Sexual married 34 years to an Asexual, I agree that "don't break up over sex" is a simplistic idyll.

While I've never known any healthy committed relationship or marriage to last truly long-term (think: more than 25 years) if based primarily on sex, neither do I trivialize the importance of sex in any relationship or marriage. For any relationship to work long-term, each partner needs to feel, if not completely satisfied, at least content with the sexual dynamics.

Sex may not be a survival need (as in the cliche', "but you won't starve or suffocate to death if you don't get sex!"), but as humans our needs are NOT only physiological as other mammals' are. We're self-aware, we're conscious, we're rational, and we're emotional, as well as physiological, and so our needs are not only survival needs such as food, water, oxygen, and so on but also psychological needs. Our health and welfare depends therefore not only upon adequately meeting our physical needs but also our psychological needs. For Sexuals, sex is, at least in large part, one of our psychological needs. And, as with other needs, individual Sexuals' needs for sex vary.

As one of a Sexual's psychological needs, then, sex is, to various degrees, vital to a Sexual's health and welfare. It's irrational if not absurd to insist therefore that sex can never be important enough to be a a deal breaker for any Sexual, or to condemn every Sexual who breaks off a relationship due to inability to have sexual needs met as "shallow" and somehow deliberately and avoidably "horny".

Certainly, before unnecessarily ending the relationship, a Sexual ought to carefully weigh, as best as can be done, whether the sexual incompatibility in an Sexual/Asexual pairing is workable -- because, it can be workable, especially with concessions and compromises. But if a Sexual concludes that sexual misery far outweighs all else about the relationship and that ending the relationship is the least painful among all the painful choices, then it's those branding that Sexual as "shallow" who are really operating with the shallow minds, I believe.

[Percivel]

I think another thing that makes breaking up hardest is if your man, or girl, is a really good person, loves you, treats you well, and, you are compatable in many other areas. Hurting that person is the last thing you want to do. You might say "If only this damn sex difference wasn't getting in the way!...Things would be great! What makes it even harder is that your ace likely can't really understand where you are coming from and why your sexual/intimacy needs are so important.

Breaking up with a jerk is easy compared to this.

As Joesantus said, all the choices are painful. Wieghing them is a must but very, very difficult...even with good communication. Yes, it can work. But there will still likely be considerable relationship long pain for the ace and the sexual alike.

[Korban]

This has been one of my big fears when I found out my SO is asexual. Everything is absolutely great, she's the only thing I had to live for when times were hard long-distance and I don't want it to end over a single facet of the relationship. It'd tear me apart if I had to cut it off just because that gap was too much to bridge.

[PiF]

Hi all

I hope you don't mind me jumping in but some of the things that have been mentioned rang some bells of..i recognise that....I am a male asexual..this will be long so if you get bored..apologies

I first met my wife when i was 12 at high school....when the sex started to become part of the relationship i was and remain so...sex positive.... but to this day i would rather have a cuppa tea than a shag. We both knew that I was very able but "just not interested" as i had called it then..into the early 20's we got married then had a child..we split then divorced when we were about 35...not because of my lack of wish for sex ...although i am sure at some point it had a say...but more looking back...more to do with growing up and differently as often school relationships do.

shortly after i had a relationship with a violent schitzophrenic lady who was lets say..less than understanding about me having low to no interest in sex...inevitably that failed

then like a man who is gay that sleeps with a lot of women to try and get rid of his "gayness" and convince himself he is straight...i avoided relationships but sought to correct my "lack of interest in sex" by having quite a few short term relationships..some were very short. why do this?

a number of reasons really..as mentioned..the gay analogy of trying to be something i wasn't, was it low sex because of that other person, so try another but also...as silly as it sounds ..i also wonderd if i had not fired up the juices as such, so wondered if a number of partners would kick start something within me...of course they all failed and confirmed I was just not interested in sex ..it simply wasn't on the radar

then in around 2007 thinking i will never have a relationship again..something i still would like...i typed into google..men who do not want sex..over about two days things started to slot into place and led me at first to Apositive+ and then onto Aven...... I had found the name for what i have always been

i see from some of the comments within this thread a number of repeating comments

If only he..(normally)..they had told me.......in my case I was this way always and had I known when i first met my ex wife ..i'm not sure at 12 she would have believed me but it seems for most like me at first......we may not know what its called even less so given our numbers..it even exists...I do agree that as soon as the individual asexual is aware that is what they are, then talks with a partner is a must..i do understand why some panic as they are afraid they may lose the one they love if they are open and honest...this is a risk but one I feel you have to take

even more so with some sexual partners.... i have seen them beating themselves up thinking things like....are they cheating on me, is it me that is putting them off sex, they don't love me anymore, when we do have sex i feel like it's pity sex etc

To be honest was I sexual..I don't know if I could be a partner to an asexual..even more so when you see most asexuals offer little or no sexual compromise..i.e. their way or no way

it must be puzzling to most sexuals ....why some asexuals are sex positive and other asexuals would rather cut their privates off than have sex again ..i believe asexuality is nothing more than just the lack of sexual attraction.... so why do asexuals vary so much about sexual acts?..to be honest I have no idea and remain as confused as the next person

when you view sex as just sex..... I think you as an asexual miss out the emotional bond with a sexual that sex brings. I've seen it said that the sex is as much an emotional sharing as it is just a physical need and it's on that I totally understand why some feel it's time to walk away..there is a need for most sexuals to have a physical bond as well as an emotional one and sex overlaps in many areas within a relationship...asexuals need to understand this a bit better

so the taboo subject..if your partner won't give it to you should you have a bit on the side that will?

some say..that by having a urge met by another, it is nothing more than an urge scratched and with that dealt with..they are able to interact with their asexual partner within a real relationship but without the sex

in private I talk to a lot of people in aven.....and know of asexuals who have this arrangement it is fraught with emotional roller coasters...i couldn't possibly do it as for me it's a trust thing and a love thing....but for a few it works..not sure for how long and I'm not sure how often the asexual partner knows but one thing i do know is that if you do go down this route be sure it's for you or the emotional situation can do more harm than the lack of sex...it very much is an individual couples decision and the more information shared i feel the better...if it's done behind peoples backs...few can survive the lack of trust if it then gets discovered

something else i see sexuals say...it's all their (asexuals) way or no way and from what I have seen on aven...i have to mostly agree..we seem to demand sexuals "understand us" whilst at the same time not even being interested in what the sexuals needs are. I wonder if asexuality also causes lack of compromise/understanding of others.

Perhaps after years of being in a lost place to finally find what we are we seem to want to "own it" and not want to share it..... so not want to make it fit in with us and our sexual partners..... asexuality should always only ever be part of what we are and not all of what we are

perhaps as asexuals we need to start to understand who and what we are...we need also in tandem with that discovery..learn how it will effect our sexual partners and see the discovery path as a journey we are BOTH on and not just for us then insisting people respect and agree with us.

possibly as new as asexuality is..we as asexuals still need to learn how to act responsibly within a relationship, respect our sexual partners as equals, try harder for compromise on BOTH sides and ultimately respect them.......if we can't do that as a couple that might just might mean parting ways and this has to be seen as a realistic consequence not of asexuality..but a consequence of the individual who is asexual and how they see it effect on their and their partners relationship

we do need to be more respectfull, flexible and understanding of our sexual partners and realise..the relationship is ours...not just mine.

[Down in Texas]

Very well said PiF. How I wish all could see it the way you are. It would indeed make things so much easier to work though. I wish you Happiness beyond measure may you find someone that can not only make you happy but whom you can enjoy making happy also.

God Bless

[Philip027]

If your husband isn't interested in sex, then he shouldn't be jealous about you having sex with other people. One of the things that made me suspect my partner of being asexual was his complete and total lack of sexual jealousy.

This is not necessarily the case. Just because sex is not important to *us* does not mean that we do not recognize the impact it can have on others with regard to their relationships. Do you really think that just because we are asexual, we have no reason to ever be concerned about the status of our relationships when the other person is off sleeping around?

I would not be okay with a partner having sex with others while remaining in a relationship with me. And no, that doesn't disqualify me from being ace.

I am trying really hard not to be angry with asexuals, but honestly, this feels like them saying, "Go on, go and have sex with a prostitute, you filthy sexual. It's all you deserve!! I'm not going to have sex with you ever, but if you have sex, I reserve the right to go to bed and cry for a month, because you are such a bad, bad, person for having sexual needs and desires".

Frankly speaking, this sounds more like an internalized issue of yours rather than anything that has to do with asexuals as a whole. That's a rather copious amount of word-putting in others' mouths.

[joesantus]

If your husband isn't interested in sex, then he shouldn't be jealous about you having sex with other people. One of the things that made me suspect my partner of being asexual was his complete and total lack of sexual jealousy.

This is not necessarily the case. Just because sex is not important to *us* does not mean that we do not recognize the impact it can have on others with regard to their relationships. Do you really think that just because we are asexual, we have no reason to ever be concerned about the status of our relationships when the other person is off sleeping around?

I would not be okay with a partner having sex with others while remaining in a relationship with me. And no, that doesn't disqualify me from being ace.

Agreed, and I am a Sexual, married 34 years to my Ace with whom I have an open marriage compromise.

The significance that sex holds for emotions, relationships, bonding, and intimacy differs from adult to adult, dependent not only upon major elements such as orientation, gender, personality, background, and experiences, but also on the specific circumstances and relational dynamics current to a person's life. Even among Sexuals, the significance of sex varies considerably.

But, a person need not have sexual attraction nor libido in order to recognize that sex can overlap with emotional connection in people who do have sexual attraction and sexual desire. While a sexual encounter doesn't in itself equal establishing an emotional bond with someone, it certainly -- and very easily, especially for Sexual women -- can lead to an emotional bond, and it doesn't take being a Sexual to recognize that fact. Sex always carries that potential. Extra-marital/extra-committed relational sex typically "threatens" marriages/committed relationships with the loss of a partner to an emotional bond formed with someone else.

Typically, flourishing marriages/committed relationships are not primarily about sex, not even between two high-libido Sexuals. Rather, they're primarily about mutual vulnerability, trust, self-disclosure, complementariness, friendship, mutual core values, shared/supported goals, and non-sexual intimacy. Having those established can subsequently make the sexual component of Sexuals' interactions extremely satisfying. But it's the non-sexual components that establish the foundation for the relationship

That foundation is no less important nor different for Asexuals. As even cursory reading on this site demonstrates, many (perhaps most) Asexuals are Romantic -- they may not have sexual needs but they definitely have emotional/interpersonal needs, making committed relationships as important to many or most of them as to Sexuals. So, any threat, actual or perceived, to an Asexual's relationship can cause any Ace jealousy, same as it can for any Sexual. Since an Ace's partner having extra-relational sex carries the potential of loss of the partner to an emotional bond with someone else, it'd be atypical for an Ace to not feel jealousy.

[Arashi-iku]

i dont know who i am. i saw the documentary (a)sexual and thought 'maybe this can be a good clue.'

[SexualWife84]

Hi everyone.

I've joined this site hoping to learn more about Asexuality and to gain some advice and support to help me in my marriage.

I am sexual and for the 6 years that my husband and I have been together I have battled with myself as well as argued with my husband trying to figure out "what's wrong with me" and why he just isn't interested in sex.

I always thought that I wasn't sexy enough, thin enough, etc etc and I have worked so hard to try and address these issues -sadly leading to a return of anorexia as well as depression. I have been so insecure in my relationship- blaming myself for my husbands lack of desire to be intimate with me, thinking he must be getting it from elsewhere, is he gay? Etc etc

In some ways I'm now relieved to have discovered what Asexuality is because it answers so me questions and explains so many of the things we've gone through.

Whenever I have brought up the subject of our sex life (or lack of it) my husband always says that he doesn't know why he is the way he is, maybe he's just lazy, he just doesn't think about sex that much etc. I am not sure if he even knows about Asexuality and I'm hoping when I speak to him about this it might provide some well needed answers for him too.

Although I feel awful for all those times that I've argued with him about it and put pressure on him, I now face a difficult situation. I had always thought that maybe there was something medically wrong and that there would be some "cure" that would fix it all and we would go on to enjoy a healthy sex life. Now I'm just coming to the realisation that he most likely is Asexual and this is just the way he was born. I can't expect him to "be fixed". Which means that as a sexual person I have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have as much sex as I would like to in this relationship.

We have 3 children, a house and other than the sex side of things our relationship is wonderful. He's a great man and I do love him but we are just living as best friends or like brother and sister which is not what I wanted out of my marriage. I want to feel desired, sexy, wanted, lusted after. Not like I'm forcing him to do something he doesn't want to just to keep me happy. He does have some desire as I know he masterbates. But I know that his lack of sex drive has always been an issue in past relationships (something I've only learned recently).

Any advice from other women married to Asexuals would be greatly appreciated. How have you coped? Has your relationships lasted? Have you resorted to affairs? Or just learnt to live with things as they are?

[Lady Girl]

Any advice from other women married to Asexuals would be greatly appreciated. How have you coped? Has your relationships lasted? Have you resorted to affairs? Or just learnt to live with things as they are?

Hi and welcome to AVEN. I just thought I would answer these questions. I haven't always coped very well, but our relationship has lasted. I've resorted to affairs and found that wasn't a good option/solution for me. I was never very good at just living with things as they are so I went through a gamut of attempts to see if he would compromise (through the years and even after discovering he's asexual).

Ultimately, after 27 years of marriage, I decided to give celibacy a whirl. I have been quite surprised at how happy I am with this option. It turned out to be the best one by far and has been much easier than I anticipated it would be. It's been just over a year of that now and I hope I will be able to continue. I haven't resented him or felt like I'm missing sex much either...which has been a total surprise to me.

I do still get a bit bothered at times, but it is short lived and not near as traumatic as these episodes used to be for me. I used to do a lot of crying and time wasting while feeling sorry for myself. I also used to get really angry and wasn't very nice to him about it. I've always been sorry for that.

I don't feel like we are just friends or brother and sister because of the kind of relationship we have...I imagine some older couples who no longer have sex still feel like husband and wife, why wouldn't we? I'm in my mid ish 40s and he's 51 so we are probably older than you, but still quite young to be sexless. We struggled with this for a lot of years and I'm happier that we don't so much now.

I feel like we make a great pair, and I also feel like we have a very intimate relationship, just not in the traditional sense. It's helped me a lot to realize that I don't need to compare myself to other couples or listen to what society says makes a relationship healthy. A non traditional personalized relationship is working great for us.