Fellow Sexuals

[Down in Texas]

You are not alone there are many of us on this site. I have been married now for over 40 years and have had all the same feeling that you are describing. I am sorry I am in a rush this morning and need to run for now I will be here latter to help if I can. Hang in there we know how you feel and the isolation of not being able to talk to anyone else makes it even harder to deal with. There is no magic cure all there is is compromising to try and make things better.

Sorry got to run for now....

[joesantus]

... it's tearing me apart inside. I cry myself to sleep some nights because I long to feel his touch and for him to desire me the way that I desire him. There are times that I feel like some sick pervert because my every waking thought is about making love to my husband, remembering the last time we were intimate and how unbelievably hot it was. It's not like that all the time, some days are worse than others. I have both good days (able to go about my business with little to no thoughts about sex) and I have my bad days (crying, depressed, severe anxiety, thinking non stop about lovemaking with my husband), I'm not even sure if I have more good days or more bad days anymore.

I'm another of the Sexuals here, and I've been married to my Asexual wife for 33 years. I'm (assuming I'm) a lot older than you, and I've been in a Sexual/Asexual couple for over three decades, so, although the pain and disappointment our sexual disparity causes never ends, I have had a looooong time to adjust and adapt to our sexual disparity, as well as to eventually discuss and explore with my wife the depths of the thoughts, feelings, and dynamics of our relationship -- but, l fully empathize with you. I know the experience of feeling torn apart. I know too well those endless nights of lying next to my sleeping wife and sobbing silently, feeling the tangible pain of my longing for that touch and mutual connection, intimacy, and desire that you describe. I know the feeling of guilt due to blaming myself for needing sexual intimacy so badly, of being unable to shake thoughts of lovemaking from my mind no matter what I did. I know the rollercoastering of good days and miserable days.

I also know that both partners hurt in these situations: after realizing what the Sexual partners are experiencing, the Asexual partners end up feeling the constant pain and struggling with the chronic guilt or "failure" of being unable to fulfill needs of the Sexual partners whom they love.

I have no answers for you either. There's no "cure", no once-for-all-which-works-for-everyone solution. As LadyGirl and DownInTexas said, each couple has to try to work out some way that makes their sexual disparity at least tolerable if they want to remain together.

But feel free to vent here. Yell, scream, kick, say whatever you feel to say to relieve the pressure to help you cope. We get it, we won't condemn you, we'll listen.

[MikeysGrrrl1979]

I would like to extend a huge hug and thank you to LadyGirl, DownInTexas and Joesantus. Your kind words, support end encouragement mean a lot to me. I'm feeling as though this is really taking a huge toll on my well being, my anxiety has skyrocketed completely out of control. My husband keeps asking me what's wrong and he keeps asking me to talk to him.

Believe me, all I really want to do is talk to him, really talk to him, get everything out in the open and figure out where we go from here. My only problem is that I never feel like it's the right time, I know that there isn't like a magical right time, but I don't want to bring up this hugely important and probably very emotional conversation after he's had a really long day at work and he's sore and tired, or before he leaves for work. I want to make sure that we don't have any distractions, no rush to be anywhere etc.

I'm also struggling because I love my husband more than anything, I want so badly to be understanding, but there is this part of me, this part that is filled with so much anger because I'm so hurt and I feel so alone and incomplete since we ceased being intimate. I just want to yell at him for taking away something so perfect and beautiful, something he often initiated and very much seemed to enjoy.

I honestly feel that I wouldn't be nearly as heartbroken or confused if I had known before we were intimate. I still would've married him, I would still be madly in love with him, but I'm certain I wouldn't feel as torn up inside because I wouldn't really know what I was missing, I wouldn't be wondering what I did wrong to make him stop etc...

You see, we slept in the same bed and cuddled long before we were intimate with each other, I never pushed for sex. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I didn't want to, I just wasn't in a hurry. I was enjoying the kissing, caressing, cuddling etc. I would say that my husband initiated lovemaking 75% of the time, and it wasn't like it was once in awhile, it was very regular (3-5 times per week).

Now it's been over 7 months, as each and every day goes by, I feel more and more alone, I almost feel as though I'm shutting down, the hurt is so intense, I can't bear it. I feel like my heart is breaking every time I remember what once was.

He's always told me right from the start that he has never enjoyed sex with anyone previous to me, he was repulsed by it and strictly did it for the purposes of getting off because he thinks masturbation is disgusting. He said with me, it's completely different, everything has always felt natural, so perfect and wonderful. He says he loves making love to me, each and every time is better than the last and he cannot imagine anything feeling more amazing.

Can you see where my frustration comes from? I feel like I'm banging my head against the wall. Grrrrrrr!!! So Frustrated! The above in bold was his response to me the last time I brought anything up... what am I supposed to do with that?

My birthday was 3 weeks ago, as you can probably guess, no lovemaking, not even any type of intimacy. I bawled my eyes out. We haven't done anything more than cuddle on the couch while watching a movie, kiss and snuggle in bed naked (we sleep naked). There are no back rubs, intimate/sensual touches, kisses all over etc... It's really depressing.

My husband is a wonderful man, he truly is. I'm not going to leave him because of this, or look elsewhere. I'm not interested in the orgasm part, although that's fabulous... I want the connection back, the emotional intimacy, I miss it, I miss him, I miss us.

I really hate feeling like this, I just feel so lost and alone. I really don't know what to do, I have no idea what to say. My husband is very sensitive, I know I'm going to start bawling which will have him in tears as well. There's nothing wrong with crying, I hate fighting, confrontation of any kind makes me uncomfortable.

Ok that's my rant for this morning lol.

[Down in Texas]

MikeysGrrrl1979: I can relate to everything you have said about the loneliness and the hurt. I also can understand your feelings of “what have I done wrong” you have done nothing wrong I would bet on it, I have said the same words many times for many years before finding AVEN. I read every new book that came out on relationships looking for answers or solutions. However, I never found them and NONE of the books ever addressed MY problem of being a woman that was not getting the sex she needed from her husband. All of the books I read talked about the man not getting the sex he needed but NONE addressed the needs of a woman.

I spoke to my GYN and he had me read a book “For Woman Only” but all I got out of it was how you could pleasure yourself… Believe me that does not solve the problem it only made me want my husband more because what I was longing for was still missing. There is NO substitute for intimacy and the human connection of the LOVE between a Husband and Wife once you have had that connection. Not knowing any better I even ask my GYN if there were any blood test to determine if a person was gay or not because I was beginning to think he was gay (it runs in the family and I do believe it is genetic) he told me there was none. Then a number of years later my GYN ask me point blank how things were going. It was after I had found AVEN and I told him about my discovery of asexuality and he told me he had just read about it in his medical journey a few month before my annual visit and we talked about a few of the main points that he thought were the most important as far as he was concerned and then looked at me and said ”I am so sorry I did not know about it sooner”. He put me on antidepressants and had me come back in two weeks after trying three different meds I told him there was not a medication made that would help what was making me depressed and I stopped taking them.

I have to give it to you, you said that you would still marry your husband I am not so sure I would have if I had known how incompatible we are and the pain it has caused all these years. I do love my husband and have stayed and will stay till we take our last breath here on Earth but if I had known beforehand I think I would have made a different choice. Now for some advice for whatever it is worth. But before I give it I want you to understand one major thing. WE do not know you or your husband. You are the only one that does and you will have to know what you feel MAY work for you and your husband. You must be the one (and let NO ONE TELL you what to do, that is something that is strictly your decision to make) to know how to approach your husband and when. This is just what I found worked best for me after all these years.

It has been helpful for me to sit down and write a letter to my Gray A. That way I am able to acknowledge how much I LOVE him and how much I want to work things out without things becoming sidetracked by emotions... For me, I was able to express more in a letter than trying to openly discuss things face to face. I found that when I tried to talk, person to person, I would end up crying or he would respond in a way that cause the anger to take front stage and nothing I really wanted to say got said. Take your time in forming your letter, read it and re-read it, make sure that you have addressed all that you wish to say. Try to always use WE were ever you can instead of I or YOU. Make sure you have reinforced how much you LOVE HIM and that you do not plan on leaving also address the fact that this is NO ONES fault that it is just something you now need to figure out how to deal with. You may also tell him you do not expect an answer when he finishes reading the letter and give him a set time maybe a week or so to think about what was said and then state that you will talk again. Pick your time wisely as you mentioned the time needs to be right and if you wish to hold off until after Christmas (I do not remember if you have children) or you may tell him the greatest Christmas present he can give you is a bit of his time. If you chose to wait until after Christmas and another blue moment hits as I am sure it will and he finds you down or crying and he ask what is wrong maybe tell him “I Just need Your Hug right now”.

Then once you have picked your time, when there is not already hurt or pain present and sit with him and ask him to PLEASE read this, stress that after he has read it you would like to discuss it without hurt or anger. Sit with him while he reads it hold him if he will let you or I at least place my hand on him. Then see if you can both find a way to talk about what you both need. You must be willing to compromise you cannot expect him to do all the giving. As it has been said by many no one can change who they are nor can we change who we are. You said you sleep nude and I find nothing wrong with this however, you may ask him if it would help if one of you slept covered. If having a gown or boxers on would lessen the anxiety and bring back the hugs and cuddles in bed? (you can and I do sleep with a very loose gown with nothing under it and as short as presents in the house will allow we do have kids and right now our daughter and two granddaughters live with us) We cannot tell you what will work or not work because no two people are the same all we can do is offer suggestions and give you support as you try to navigate through this rocky path.

Best of Luck to you both I wish you both happiness and peace in your marriage. Don’t be afraid to vent. There are many here that understand.

[MikeysGrrrl1979]

Thank you so much for your response, your response has me in tears, I don't know if it's what you wrote that just resonates with me or if it's because I've been holding everything in and I'm just so overwhelmed. In any event, it's nice to feel gotten.

I'm going to try my best to respond to everything that you said, probably not in the order that you said them though lol.

We don't have any children, it's just the 2 of us, well and our cat. I work from home, so I'm more concerned about making sure that the timing is right on his end. We might be talking tonight, I couldn't sleep last night and when he woke up I was a little snippy and he was like "That's it, we're talking tonight, I don't care about anything else but us talking. You can't keep holding your feelings in, t's making you physically sick!" So, I'm ok with talking to him about it though.

Sleeping naked doesn't bother me, I'm not laying there gawking at him wishing he would do anything to me. I enjoy the closeness when we're naked, it's our snuggle time where we just lay there and hold each other, talk and give each other kisses. I obviously miss other things that happen while being naked, but when we're in bed together laying like that, interestingly enough, that's not what I'm even thinking about.

I know I said that I would still marry my husband all over again knowing that sex wasn't a big deal to him, I mean it. In all honesty, prior to being with him, although I enjoyed the act of getting off (the release), it felt no different to me with a partner than it did by myself, I actually preferred by myself because it was quick and I didn't have to do anything in return. So I almost feel like I didn't really know what I was missing until him and I got together. That's what makes it so hard for me. We both had what I felt was a crazy awakening with each other, almost magical (corny, I know) and then it's just gone, and I'm left sitting here completely at a loss because I just have no idea what happened. It was just so out of the blue.

When I talk with him, I don't expect him to cave in to me, it's about both of us meeting somewhere in the middle, finding a happy medium. I know that I can't change him anymore than he could change me. I do like the idea of writing a letter, whether I give it to him to read or I read it to him, this way I can be sure that I'm able to get out everything that I need to say to him. I have tried talking to him before, he usually just stares at me and says "I don't know what you want me to say" or "Aww baby, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize it had been this long. I'm tired and I was stressed about work." which then leads to "We're going to get back on track, I promise, no more going more than 3 days without making love."

Well if I'm on here writing this, you can clearly see that the above promise was NEVER kept to. I'm not expecting some miraculous change overnight. I really don't even have any expectations. I keep thinking it is because of me though. I feel like I've put on weight, he swears I haven't. I don't know, see I can't even explain my feelings to you guys, I have no idea how I'm going to clearly explain them to him.

Down in texas: I'm so sorry that you've had such a difficult journey to get to where you are today. I think it's harder being a female with an ACE male, I know that sounds sexist, but due to society, it's hard not to think that something is wrong with us when our men are humping our legs like little puppies whenever we smile in their direction. *Thanks Cosmo for ruining my self image* lol, I actually wrote them a long letter about how they needed to write an article about asexuality, instead of telling their readers every month that they need to try harder to get their man interested or he's gay.

I haven't been on my anxiety meds in 3-4 months, I desperately need them, they don't fix the problem, but my anxiety has gotten to the point where I have panic attacks several times a day, I feel stress through my back/chest and in my throat (tightness), so I'll be going to the doctor and getting my meds refilled, they are low dose and just take the edge off so I can function.

I'm sorry of this reply seems all over the place, no sleep in over 24 hours.

[Down in Texas]

Best of Luck on your talk, I hope you are both able to come to a comfortable resolution that works for both of you. Just remember this is not a problem that will be fixed in one talk. It will take many though out the years if you stay together, as it sounds to me that that is your wish. I support you in that choice I am not one to suggest the cut and run option that is often offered. Just one point of clarification I LOVE sleeping nude but it made my husband uncomfortable when others even our children were in the house. So please don’t think I was judging you.

Also please don't feel you have to tell us what was talked about that to me is private however if you chose to we will be here to listen. I wish you the best and I sincerely hope that you can both find some peace and comfort on your journey that will hopefully bring you back to the closeness you so desire.

[Ferric Chanticleer]

I'm here because my girlfriend (herself also a ‘sexual’ who enjoys watching random documentaries on Netflix) introduced me to the topic of asexuality through the (A)sexual documentary. It led to some interesting discussion for us.

I also know two asexuals IRL, although I'm not very close to either. My girlfriend has apparently chatted with one of them about it, although I've not discussed the topic with either of them.

[devoted2one]

I came to this site after realizing that my husband is asexual. I have been married almost 7 months now. During dating and until yesterday I was told he has low testosterone and ED. We went to the doctor and found he doesn't have low t. So I researched and found that indeed he is asexual.

He is very loving, i.e. cuddling, hugging, touching in any way that is not sexual, kissing, mostly pecks , rarely tongue. He finds sex to be a chore. He does have to take meds to help initiate an erection, which give him a nasty headache.

He also knew that I was sexual during dating and still am.

While dating I still had occasional sex with a fwb. That ended when we decided we would be married. Now, we have had sex maybe 3 times in 7 months.

I do not receive compliments of any sort nor do I hear terms of affection. That, added with the absence of sexual contact, is making me depressed and unhappy.

I was under the impression that we would have compromise about sex. I do not try to initiate it...ever. I know it is a lost cause to try and don't want to feel put off or rejected.

I now feel the heaviness of this, I love him and love being with him and want to make this work.

Any advice on how we can make this work?

[joesantus]

Any advice on how we can make this work?

We Sexuals in long-term relationships with Asexuals (I've been married to my Asexual wife for 33 years) don't have any "fix" that makes your problem vanish, regrettably. But believe me, we empathize with your frustration, your heaviness, your despair of being in love and loving your partner yet being unable to share mutual sexual intimacy and the emotional connection and affection that comes with it with your partner.

You can further communicate with your husband, continuing the communication process until he recognizes just how deeply this sexual disparity is hurting you, and then try again to reach a compromise that involves sex with him.

Another possible compromise which some of us (my wife and I included) have used, if your husband consents, is for you to resume something along the lines of your former FWB's. My wife and I have an open marriage; my extramarital partners don't fully satisfy my intimacy needs to the depth I want and would have with her, but they do fill up part of the void.

*HUGS*

[Percivel]

Devoted,

Joesantus is right, there is no fix. No cure. Realistically, you both are in for a long hard road. The best you can hope for is in communication and compromise. My longtime ace wife does not compliment either. Nor does she seem to understand even non-physical intimacy. There will always be pain, frustration and suffering. We can only make the best of it when choose to stay together.

If your husband ultmately refuses to communicate and compromise, then your marraige may not have been meant to be. If he does try his best to make it work, then it is worth it if you both can tolerate the difficult challenges. It will always be hard, however, for the both of you.

[Down in Texas]

I agree with both of the former post. My Gray A of 40+ years does not give compliments not even on non personal matters such as cooking. I am a fairly good cook and the best I ever get is "it's ok" which to me could mean any number of things from total dislike to one of the best I have ever made. You would not know where anything falls. When asking about clothing I get the same answers.

My husband DOES have Low T and ED and none of the meds help with an erection. However the testosterone does help with his mood and the Dr said he needs it for muscle health including heart muscles. The brain is the largest sex organ in a persons body and the brain of an asexual is just wired differently than a Sexuals when it comes to sex. They do not remember GOOD sex so that they can build on it for the pleasure of the next as most Sexuals do. I am sorry but most likely you have seen the best there is to see what lay ahead will have to be worked on by both and can not be done alone.

Good luck we are here to empathize and offer what support we can. We can also suggest what we have tried but there is no way of knowing if it will work for you everyone is different what works for one very well not work on the next. Again good luck.

[debsthoughts]

It is amazing to read this forum. I am a sexual married to a asexual for 19 years. I was unaware this type of thing existed. From the being of the marriagei felt rejected and confused, as I ama very sexual being. He had lots of excuses.. Back pain... stress. We went thru what seemed to me negotiations and let's makea deal. We went thru many years of him making me feel inadequate... Sometimes with very cruel remarks. Finally I moved out of his bed...I have had more than one affair. I have left him on more than one occasion, I do love him! He would manage to convince me that this would be different, now I know they never will be. I know that he loves me..... I'm just very unsure that i can face a life without intimacy. The patterns are so clear now. He does his best to avoid me on special occasions or he is justa complete as... knowing that will keep it from happening. If I threaten to leave he will pulla rabbiti out of a hat... My SO has no problem with performance. He simply has no desire and finds most sexual acts repulsive. .ie: oral. ? In either direction. I have suggested over the years descretion on my part and he wears this will get better... They do not. I duo not know whati will do. He refuse to discuss the issue....I have asked him if he is Gary... But now I'm sure that is not the issue. How do other couples handle compromises and decisions that allow for boundaries and sexual satisfaction?...... Help

[Harzel174]

It is amazing to read this forum. I am a sexual married to a asexual for 19 years. I was unaware this type of thing existed. From the being of the marriagei felt rejected and confused, as I ama very sexual being. He had lots of excuses.. Back pain... stress. We went thru what seemed to me negotiations and let's makea deal. We went thru many years of him making me feel inadequate... Sometimes with very cruel remarks. Finally I moved out of his bed...I have had more than one affair. I have left him on more than one occasion, I do love him! He would manage to convince me that this would be different, now I know they never will be. I know that he loves me..... I'm just very unsure that i can face a life without intimacy. The patterns are so clear now. He does his best to avoid me on special occasions or he is justa complete as... knowing that will keep it from happening. If I threaten to leave he will pulla rabbiti out of a hat... My SO has no problem with performance. He simply has no desire and finds most sexual acts repulsive. .ie: oral. ? In either direction. I have suggested over the years descretion on my part and he wears this will get better... They do not. I duo not know whati will do. He refuse to discuss the issue....I have asked him if he is Gary... But now I'm sure that is not the issue. How do other couples handle compromises and decisions that allow for boundaries and sexual satisfaction?...... Help

I'm still fairly new around here, but it'd probably be a good start to clearly lay out what sex means to each of you. It's very likely he doesn't understand your sexual needs, and you seem to struggle with the notion that someone (an asexual) can have deep romantic feelings for you, but not want to have sex. Simply agreeing that this is a special circumstance, different from a "normal" relationship between two sexuals, can be a strong starting point for further dialogue. There are lots of resources around here to help with that (and if you're using a counselor or other mediator, make sure they're someone who knows asexuality is a thing).

From there it's easier to move to other topics of discussion, like open relationships. But keep in mind this is something that's going to take a while to work out. There's no quick fix for this. And the stark reality is you're just not going to have a sexually intimate relationship with your husband. You need to decide if that's something you can handle (there are many here who have). Surrogates might help - sex with different people, other forms of intimacy with your husband - but they aren't a real substitute. It's going to be a struggle, and the best outcome is that you're able to make peace with the fact that this is something you just won't have in your relationship.

[SirJamie]

Hey everyone! I'm a recent addition to the community and i am sexual :D (homosexual to be exact). Sad to say I do not know personally any asexuals in my area and so after watching the documentary "(A)sexual" I had to come here to find out more as I think it is a great and interesting topic that is almost never discussed publicly!

[Lady Girl]

Hey everyone! I'm a recent addition to the community and i am sexual :D (homosexual to be exact). Sad to say I do not know personally any asexuals in my area and so after watching the documentary "(A)sexual" I had to come here to find out more as I think it is a great and interesting topic that is almost never discussed publicly!

Hi and welcome to AVEN! It's a pretty cool forum with lots of awesome people. :)

[J.M.Titos]

I'm a sexual young guy and this is my first day in AVEN. Basically, I'm so happy to find a place like this for I've been searching everywhere for so many years. I think this whole asexual topic should be spread quite more because I can tell there're so many people out there who might be suffering, ignoring who they are or what happens to them.

Yes, I'm gay-sexual but, because I'm Christiam, I want to avoid all the sexual thing. I've had a couple of boyfriends but they never fitted it well. I'm here, hopefully, to find someone special I can respect by sacrifying my desire for sex, cuz I've always thought that if you are trully in love with someone, you won't mind not having sex with them. Love goes beyond any boundry.

I'm also interested to know how asexual people feel like, what they do and don't want to do when they're into a relationship and their experiences through their lives. How they came out to their families and how they had to deal with it, possibly without any support.

[His Spouse]

Sexual here! Looking for some advice and support. My husband is a person of faith and is in the military. He was very happy to be getting married and knew I was sexual. He set out "boundaries" for our dating relationship that completely ruled out any form of sexuality (making out/oral/etc.) When we got married, he came out. I feel like I was deceived by him! I want to support him and his asexuality but I don't think I can stay married to him! I consider myself an attractive woman - and I'm only 23 years old. :( I am probably more sexual than the average woman and it is killing me!

My husband has been deceptive and dishonest with me and himself regarding his asexuality. He started the marriage by telling me I was just not sexy enough or sweet enough to spark his interest.

He doesn't have a very strong relational drive either. He told me he has no emotional need for me. It is so painful. I have been extremley depressed and I feel trapped. I believe in marriage - but this feels like a dead marriage to me. He has agreed to go to counseling but I don't think this is something that he can/should just change.

Any advice?? I'm thinking I need to walk away from my marriage.

[Lucinda]

Hi HS!

You may want to consider an annulment. If you feel you were not fully informed to agree to a marital contract, then you have grounds for an annulment. Check with your jurisdiction.

You can support him and his asexuality .... from a distance. He can also babble on about how you are not sexy and sweet ... from a distance.

Make tracks, :)

Lucinda

[His Spouse]

Thanks, Lucinda!

Your advice is so helpful and encouraging to me. I feel like a bad person getting a divorce but annulment seems to have less of a stigma. It's breaking my heart but I think in the long run it is going to be a good decision.

[garrett3721]

Proud Sexual here. I actually came here after my wife and i discovered that she qualifies as asexual/aromantic, in hopes of finding ways to continue to maintain a meaningful relationship with a woman with the sexual identity of, in her words, "a stone at the bottom of the ocean."

[confused 2014]

I am a sexual in love with an asexual man. we also have a new baby. I came here after researching asexual meanings. .. he told me and I wanted to know more. some of what I read horrified me... I felt bad for the way things were like if I ever said or did something that made him uncomfortable. .. I asked he said I didn't. .. i am a very emotional person who loves to be affectionate in all its forms. he on the other hand can go days with out touch or even communicating. .lately I feel horrible about myself and have really bad self esteem. .. mostly because he says hes attracted tinkering a sexual manner but the more I read here I feel hes lying and just saying it so he disentangle have to talk... right now we are on a break with everything going on and a new baby ive been on Here lots trying to see if I can understand more and continue a relationship or is it something I cannot dealnwith

[Lady Girl]

I would say it's best to believe him if he says you didn't do anything to make him uncomfortable. As far as you being able to deal with it, only you can decide that. It might help if you express your need for more non sexual touching and daily communication, especially if that's something that helps you feel connected to your partner.

[Down in Texas]

I do not know how old your baby is but I can tell you from first-hand knowledge that having a child will mess with your hormones and emotions. Give yourself a while to level out before making any hard life changing discussions.

Life with an asexual is what you make it. It has its ups and downs as any other relationship does. However being involved with an asexual dose pose a few other twists into the relationship. The best advice right now is communication. Share with your partner what you have found on this site if he is comfortable read some of the post he may find things are not so bad and you may be able to work your way through. If he is like my husband and refuses to read anything on here you may need to just copy the first page and then let him know what you have found make sure to tell him it is no one’s fault. It took a while before my husband would read anything now we are able to talk in a way we were never able to do before it just does not happen very often.

Best of luck to you we will be here if your need to talk or ask any further questions.

[Fryingpan]

I'm here because my partner just came out to me as Ace/grey a last week, and this is all super new for me, so I'm trying to learn as much as i possibly can about it so i can be supportive/not F' up. It's also really nice to have the support network of other people in mixed relationships to be like "hey, i guess it can work" and it definitely gives me hope about our future.

[Percivel]

You will hear from many different angles and experiences on AVEN. Not just from different people but sometimes from the same individual person. Sometimes I post when I'm feeling really good about my relationship with my wife. Sometimes my posts will reflect that I'm going through a very difficult time at the moment. I also post when I'm feeling somewhere in between. I suspect there are others here who do the same thing. Taken as a whole, to the reader it gives a wide range of experiences of what living in a mixed relationship is like. Most that stay on here, I think, are hear because we haven't given up hope....but we want to be realistic too.

[APNerd]

I'm brand new here. I sort of stumbled across this site after doing a google search on asexuality. My partner and I have been together for 10 years and the frequency with which we have sex has declined steadily over time to the point that we have had no sexual contact at all in about 2 1/2 years now. There are complex contributing factors to our lack of sex, but I never put two and two together that my partner may be on the asexuality spectrum. In fact, I had never really even heard of that term before until very recently. I saw the term "demisexual" used online somewhere (tumblr maybe? I forget where I first saw it) and went to look up the definition, which led me to a definition of asexuality, which then led me to AVEN, which gave me a lightbulb moment about a possible cause of my sexless relationship. I haven't yet talked to my partner about the possibility of her being asexual, but the term seems like a pretty good fit for her.

Thank god I found this place because I have been absolutely torn apart about my relationship for years now. I've talked to close friends about it, I've talked to other people in the LGBT community about it (thinking, you know, maybe "lesbian bed death" isn't just a myth), I've been in therapy for it, and nobody truly got it. Until now. I've been lurking on these forums a lot in the last week or so, and while it frustrates me to read that there's really no "fix" for being in a mixed relationship, it is very comforting to know that there are other people I can talk to who know what I'm going through. I'm looking forward to learning more about asexuality and how it can affect relationships.

[climbing walls]

I just signed yesterday cause I´m so sexually frustrated. My boyfriend is a-grey and suffers from premature eyaculation. I guess I´m fucked. I don´t see a way out.

[climbing walls]

I came to this site after realizing that my husband is asexual. I have been married almost 7 months now. During dating and until yesterday I was told he has low testosterone and ED. We went to the doctor and found he doesn't have low t. So I researched and found that indeed he is asexual.

He is very loving, i.e. cuddling, hugging, touching in any way that is not sexual, kissing, mostly pecks , rarely tongue. He finds sex to be a chore. He does have to take meds to help initiate an erection, which give him a nasty headache.

He also knew that I was sexual during dating and still am.

While dating I still had occasional sex with a fwb. That ended when we decided we would be married. Now, we have had sex maybe 3 times in 7 months.

I do not receive compliments of any sort nor do I hear terms of affection. That, added with the absence of sexual contact, is making me depressed and unhappy.

I was under the impression that we would have compromise about sex. I do not try to initiate it...ever. I know it is a lost cause to try and don't want to feel put off or rejected.

I now feel the heaviness of this, I love him and love being with him and want to make this work.

Any advice on how we can make this work?

I totally understand how you feel, same thing happens to me. I think a good way to cope with this is going to therapy, on your own, and find out how to deal with the frustration and depression. What scares me is imagining me in the next years without any sex, maybe cheating is an option? I'm just thinking out loud.

[Down in Texas]

I just signed yesterday cause I´m so sexually frustrated. My boyfriend is a-grey and suffers from premature eyaculation. I guess I´m fucked. I don´t see a way out.

There are ways to deal with Premature Ejeculation ways to teach a person not to Eneculate Prematurely. However it will depend on whether or not your partner wants to be helped.

Edited: and how much patience you have.

[LevanaMoon]

I came here because I recently realized I'm demi and how much that means to me...And I love learning about different people's orientations, feelings and experiences :)