Fellow Sexuals

[Feral_Sophisticate]

i dont think there is any doubt that being with an asexual is devastating for us "over-sexxed" folks. self esteem goes into the crapper and sometimes sadness overwhelms. i guess i'm lurking on here to find a mature sexual for possibilities. i know, dim witted but what's the alternative ? Leaving my life partner because of something she didn't ask for and can't help ?

I still have much to offer both spiritually and physically - having no outlet is a burden. enough rant- anyone have suggestions for bearing up under such a relationship ? secret techniques ? medidation ? masturbation ? mediation ?

Self esteem starts - logically enough - from yourself. If you're trying to find happiness in another, you likely won't. Nobody can make you happy or truly make you unhappy, either. Yes, others can influence or affect how happy you are in your life, but overall, it's in your hands.

Allowing someone else to dictate your degree of contentment with life is a one-way road to codependency - which is in and of itself a highly unsatisfying state to be, and which will lead to resentment and deep frustration down the road.

Have you tried talking to your life partner? If you and she truly do care deeply about one another, then she truly will want you to be happy. That might mean compromises for you, or for her - and only you and she can determine what these compromises will be. Maybe this means opening up the relationship a bit, so that you don't feel frustrated. Maybe it means going your separate ways. The only ones who can really answer that is the two of you.

I would strongly recommend that the two of you seek counselling, and try to work this out together - after all, you are together. For one reason or another, at one point in your lives, you two decided to try to make a go of it, together. If you want to give the two of you a fighting chance, shouldn't you continue that now, too?

As a highly sexual person who's dating someone who's highly asexual, I can offer you this: remember that you own your happiness. Nobody else. If you're unhappy, and you're not sharing that with someone who has the ability to help you with coping (your life partner), then you're negatively impacting them, too. If you have kids with her, they'll feel it as well, and they will also know that something is wrong.

You've already touched upon meditation. That can certainly help. Masturbation might be a short term solution, but might not prove as effective in the long run as you think it might be. Counselling might prove to be your best option.

I do not advocate going outside the relationship, as cheating is still cheating - regardless of whether your partner is sexual or not - unless everyone is on board with the idea. If you do wish to open things up, and she's agreeable to it (note I said "agreeable" to it - don't confuse that with acquiescence), then be sure to establish guidelines and boundaries, so that the relationship you have now doesn't suffer.

Good luck! It may sound like it's going to be hard, and a lot of luck, but anything important to be done is rarely easy - but the rewards are often worth the effort.

[rjtucke]

Sexual, here looking for relationship advice on my mixed marriage.

[America]

First checked out this site bout 5yrs ago to support my asexual bf, seemed like sexual was a dirty word on Aven then, glad to see times have changed! I really love my partner and is great to see that I'm welcome on this site! Dirty Sexuals need friends too!

[Pip Pirrip]

Hi everyone.
For the past few months I’ve been coming here a lot trying to gain insight on what might be happening in my own life. It is a relief to know I am not alone in my struggles with my relationship with my girlfriend. There is such great support here, in the Partners, Friends and Allies section and I wanted to be part of that so I decided to join and post something. It's been really difficult sometimes but I am totally committed to my partner and want to make it work more than anything but am having a bit of a hard time and I think I may need support and this place seems like a good place to start. I just need to get over my shyness so I can participate properly. Anyway, I’m grateful already for not only the insight, but also the comfort I have found in reading everyone’s stories and thoughts and advice.

[Down in Texas]

Hi everyone.

For the past few months Ive been coming here a lot trying to gain insight on what might be happening in my own life. It is a relief to know I am not alone in my struggles with my relationship with my girlfriend. There is such great support here, in the Partners, Friends and Allies section and I wanted to be part of that so I decided to join and post something. It's been really difficult sometimes but I am totally committed to my partner and want to make it work more than anything but am having a bit of a hard time and I think I may need support and this place seems like a good place to start. I just need to get over my shyness so I can participate properly. Anyway, Im grateful already for not only the insight, but also the comfort I have found in reading everyones stories and thoughts and advice.

Welcome and don't worry about the shyness it will pass no one knows anyone on here as a rule unless we tell them who we are so ask what ever you wish. We are a pretty accepting group.

[Pip Pirrip]

Welcome and don't worry about the shyness it will pass no one knows anyone on here as a rule unless we tell them who we are so ask what ever you wish. We are a pretty accepting group.

Thanks Texas, I have read a lot of your posts and found your comments very helpful and always compassionate.

I am still in the confusion mode now. I don't know what to ask first. It seems that communication is paramount and that’s the part I am struggling with at the moment. It seems like I am the only one in our relationship who is having the problem and I feel like if I say anything (I brought the subject up about a month ago and a month before that) then it will seem like I am pressurizing and will further push my partner away. The last thing I want to do is put any type of pressure on her. At one point things were normal (well, normal for me, I should say) and then they weren’t.

[Percivel]

What we sexuals thought was "normal" in the beginning when sexual intimacy might have been better was likely not very normal for our aces. It was likely a very difficult time for them to be and do things that were extremely uncomfortable and against their "nature." We might think of it as us being fooled by our partner, but they were most likely in a similar quagmire we find ourselves in now. No matter how important it was for someone I love dearly, they could never prod/force me into being gay or participating in gay sexual intimacy (because I'm not gay). That is what we are asking of our aces.

Making the decision to stay in a sexual intimacy-less relationship must come first. If we choose to stay, then we have to accept them as they are and come to some sort of compromise with our beloved...one that we both can live with, all the while taking the risk that both partners might not (be able to) contribute equally. We then need to accept the cards we were dealt with. If we choose to stay, then we don't get any new cards. We have to make the best hand we can with the cards we have. We might not have a royal flush. We might not even have a full house. Perhaps we only have a pair of three's (because of the lack of sexual intimacy). But, a pair of three's beats a king high and a pair of two's. We can still "win the hand" if we focus on changing ourselves...our attitude towards the cards we have. Because the cards cannot change.

We all know this is not easy to do. It takes lots of work, time, gutwrenching heartache...and thinking of ourselves less. No it is not easy. There are many who just "fold."

[stillAboy]

Im a sexual. and extremely Sexual at that. but in in love with a possible ace and... im hoping to find some compromises with her. if not then i guess i'll prolly hug aven even tighter. she mentioned before that she would be ok to let me find others for sex as long as i didnt let her know who or when but it prolly wont work for me as i feel like its cheating on her to keep such secrets. so i assured her that i wouldnt do such a thing and would stay by her. really frustrating tho. but i guess i feel that its worth it.

[Percivel]

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

[foreignrainbow]

Hypersexual Romantic here. Identifying as Hypersexual can get confusing to other people but all it essentially means is that I'm asexual, but have a tendency to think and fantasize about sex often, but wouldn't actively initiate it. Romantic because I truly love certain people, and love cuddling and hand holding so much. I'm a fairly new to these realizations but I'd love to answer any inquiries anyone may have.

[Down in Texas]

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

My Husband bought the same book twice six years apart he forgot he had read it. It was titled "Sex Starved Wives". The first time he read it, it took him months to trust me and nothing had ever happened the book just told about how many usually either left or cheated. Go easy on yourself Percivel.

[Estel]

Highly sexual, horn dog level 9001.

Here because the woman I find the most beautiful person in the world, the woman I want to marry, is asexual, and I want to build a healthy two-sided relationship with her.

I don't want it to turn into "insert coin for sex"

[stillAboy]

damn... getting depressed just reading through what we are choosing to go through with. Open r/s would really spoil my relationship too i think. Even though she gave the green light... I seriously don't think its that simple because of the Love-Intimacy issues.

[Feral_Sophisticate]

damn... getting depressed just reading through what we are choosing to go through with. Open r/s would really spoil my relationship too i think. Even though she gave the green light... I seriously don't think its that simple because of the Love-Intimacy issues.

Open relationships can work, but require just as much (if not more) work than a "normal" one. They definitely aren't for everyone.

Had someone told me a year ago that I'd be considering being in one, I'd have a hard time believing it. Now? I'm considering it, as she and I have talked about it - for my benefit, not hers (obviously).

I'm still not 100% sold that I want it that way, but I'm open minded enough to look at all angles first.

[frustratedbob]

I am a sexual female. I have been married to my asexual husband for over 16 years and have three kids (thank goodness for adoption! lol). He was interested in sex before we got married, but it turned off like a switch during the honeymoon and has been that way ever since. He has no explanation for why this happened. I find I sometimes feel so resentful and deceived. It's so hard to deal with. I used to always think my husband just wasn't into me or that I was unattractive, but a few years ago I started looking for a "cause", so to speak. Eventually found this site, pretty much when I was at the point I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and might jump on some random strange man walking down the street. Then I started getting depressed again and had to stop thinking about it and had to take a break from reading online and Aven, and now I've started thinking about it again and decided to reconnect with Aven. It's really helpful for me to talk with people in the same situation. I had talked to my husband a lot after finding Aven, and he agreed that he is asexual (had never heard of it before). I'm so conflicted...feel like I can't keep living like this but don't want to put my kids through a divorce, so I live in limbo. Unfortunately on top of no sex we have absolutely no intimacy or affection of any kind. My husband pretty much doesn't talk to me. I'm thankful he's a good father. I'm 38 and my kids are 3, 6, and almost-8. I've been trying to throw myself into activities and am planning to go back to college in the next year or so for a career change, but still, there is such emptiness in my life that I don't think will ever be filled. Happy to be back here and hope to learn and share with you all.

My situation is similar to yours, but the more common variety where my wife is asexual, and I can't help being turned on by her. She's a really great partner in every other way but the presumed rejection I feel all the time feels like a constant assault on my self esteem. I'm currently working on trying to perfect myself so that she doesn't have a reason to be unhappy with me, and I'll see if she can learn to take some pleasure in pleasing me (as i feel I take please in pleasing her, i.e. in non-sexual ways she likes). It feels like her lack of sex drive, and her avoidance of intimacy means it never occurs to her to enjoy giving me sexual pleasure. I can understand she doesn't crave an orgasm, but she doesn't take any joy in giving me one either. I try to be a generous lover, but since she doesn't desire sex, she tells me that such efforts are a waste of time, and she considers it to be selfish that I spend time thinking about sex.

So, as i said I'm trying to eliminate any external cases for her avoidance of sex, but think at some point I'll have to think about asking her for an open marriage. If she doesn't consider sex and intimacy to be part of marriage, perhaps sexual fidelity isn't something she'd require. with her permission, I may eventually see a woman who is in my mirror situation, having a marriage that fulfills her in every way except sex and intimacy. As a woman in this situation, I think you could easily find a man, should you ever decide that was appropriate.

I do also think it may be possible that an asexual who doesn't think to give their sexual partner sexual pleasure might put in more effort if they realized their partner was desired by others, and would have options for intimacy if it is absent in their marriage.

Basically, I'm tired of pushing my wife to have sex, and she's tired of it as well. The pushing makes matters worse. I'll try to only have her do what she's happy to do for me, but as sexual thoughts never enter her mind, I'm afraid that might not be much. But, if she ever decides on her own that having sex with her husband is an important part of marriage, I expect we'll be just fine. She may consider it work and a chore, but she's a really hard worker. She hates to exercise, but she does it for 2 hours every other day. She just doesn't believe me when I tell her sex is good exercise.

I also think my desire for sex may be from a desire for human contact. While she goes to salons to have her hair,and nails done, or to have a massage or makeup facial treatment, I don't do any of those things. I even cut my own hair. Pretty much the only person I touch is my wife, who avoids touching me. I probably should consider having massages and see if that takes the edge of my desire for human contact. I've always considered them expensive, but so is counciling, and mental heath care.

Bob

[*Judy*]

Bob, I have a question. Do you really need to have sex or would it be "enough" if she just pleasures you oral or with her hand? I am asking because I am asexual and do everything I can for my boyfriend, which means pleasuring him, but real Sex is the only thing I can't give (right now) ...and now it seems like he gets bored of this...

[Harzel174]

Bob, I have a question. Do you really need to have sex or would it be "enough" if she just pleasures you oral or with her hand? I am asking because I am asexual and do everything I can for my boyfriend, which means pleasuring him, but real Sex is the only thing I can't give (right now) ...and now it seems like he gets bored of this...

I can't speak for Bob, but it's typically the intimacy we sexuals crave in sex, not the type of act itself. That and a sense of feeling desired and wanted without having to make the first move, as it were. To get a sense of longing and appreciation from your partner, accentuated with a very intimate and... "physically honest" expression of that desire. Do you think you could transmute a more general sense of passion into the sexual acts? Maybe try expressing yourself in a way that implies you just want to make your lover feel good, or maybe that you want to make him feel good sexually the way he makes you feel good in every other way.

If you could turn sex into something that's more than just a physical act between you two, that'd be a better road to walk down.

[mutewolf]

Hi everyone. I'm kind of embarassed to be here but I've gone without a support network for long enough and I need to take care of myself so...here I am.

I skimmed through most of this thread and found myself surprised that there are other people out there who feel like I do. I'm a sexual (perhaps hypersexual...I'm not sure) person in a relationship with a grey-ace/asexual person. There are lots of other factors in our relationship but I need some support with the sexual stuff first.

We've been dating for almost 3.5 years now, live together, plan to get married and have children eventually. He was my 'first' and has been my only sexual partner to this point. Like his other relationships, he was extremely sexual for the first year or so of our relationship and its deteriorated from there. I've struggled with a lot of blaming myself, not being as pretty as his ex, not being attentive enough, etc, etc. He found out about asexuality via tumblr I think and we had a conversation about it and he blamed himself a lot for not figuring it out sooner, etc. I think, sometimes, he feels like he has betrayed me for not knowing sooner but I don't feel that way. A lot of our conversations are reassuring each other about percieved feelings vs actual feelings.

Anyways, I have struggled with explaining to him exactly what it is I miss about sex but someone around here nailed it. It's the intimacy, not the sex itself. We've struggled recreating the intimacy through other activities and have succeeded at times and other times I just cry and cry and it feels like there is a hole in my chest because I don't feel like we're close anymore. He's become slightly sex-repulsed too, which makes me feel like a monster for ever even asking or thinking about wanting to intiate sex with him. I feel dirty and perverted and sometimes abusive for just thinking about it. And I know that's not true but in my worst, most depressed days....it's so hard not to.

We opened up our relationship last summer after a lot of long hard talks (he's been burned by them before and was reluctant) but we both agreed that it could help me deal with my need for intimacy that he can't provide me. Went on a few dates but he wasn't ready for me to have sex with other people so nothing panned out from that and I've just lost my self-esteem and my guilt for wanting sex has prevented me from seeking out partners. So I'm in a cycle of self-hatred and here I am. Asking for help. I know there's no cure, I'm not asking for one, but I guess I just am glad to hear that there are others like me, trying to make it in a sexual/asexual relationship. I want to do it. He's my One, you know? I didn't believe in it until I met him. I can't give up but I can't keep hating myself for my own sexuality either.

[Lady Girl]

Hi and welcome to AVEN! I can totally relate to a lot of your feelings. My husband isn't wanting me to go elsewhere for a sexual relationship but is not just neutral about sex anymore either. At this point in time, I've been celibate for almost a year and not really minding it. I sometimes feel sad and not connected like you mentioned, but it doesn't last for long (thank goodness!) and he understands why I feel bad so that helps.

I hope you get some of the support you need from this site...I know I have!

[cloverx]

I'm just saying, I'm a sexual, and I would be devastated if someone i loved went had any kind of intimate relationship with anyone else - physical or otherwise. I don't think people realize the can of worms something like that - even if it's 'just sex' implies. You're still giving something of yourself to someone else that the other person who loves you, can not share or be apart of. They also are not going to be there and will be thinking 'what if he/she loves her more. she/he can offer more. I guess i'm not good enough for you'. That in itself can be damaging. If you love your partner, why would want to toy with that? This will not make your partner want you more, it will destroy whatever you have. (points down to this quote)

I do also think it may be possible that an asexual who doesn't think to give their sexual partner sexual pleasure might put in more effort if they realized their partner was desired by others, and would have options for intimacy if it is absent in their marriage

No, it will hurt them. Plus some asexuals, like my girlfriend, are uncomfortable with anything sexual - not just to them.

You also need to be thinking about the other third person involved who may develop feelings associated with this 'hook up time', too.

Unless you are literally paying for a prostitute, there are not many men or women out there that are honestly going to just be fine with sex sex without anything else building there after a while.

JMO from someone who has been cheating on before.

Most sexuals DO associate sex with some form of intimacy be it little or a lot. Asexuals need to be aware of this too.

I'm sorry, just the truth. I don't want anyone to get hurt. These ideas of going else where are something to seriously take a really good hard look at, because it can spiral.

[MissAA]

Hello :) I'm sexual, and found this site because my best friend - now SO - is asexual and I want to be able to support them and understand a bit more, so I can avoid huge blunders or making them feel awkward/uncomfortable. They're very patient and honest with me, and I must have asked hundreds of questions by now that we've talked through. I thought the friends and allies section might be a good place to read about other sexuals in relationships with asexuals :)

[KnowledgeIsPower]

I am a sexual female married to an asexual male. We have been married for twelve years. During those years we may have had emotionally and physically awkward attempts at sex (at my urging) perhaps a dozen times. We have two beautiful children (it really only takes once!!). I had had sexual partners before him, but then chose to become Christian (please, no Christian bashing here, I am NOT a hater, nor are my or my husbands issues attributable to Christianity). He is a lifelong Christian. Suffice it to say that we found out our sexual incompatibility by about day three of our marriage. By not touching me or trying anything before marriage, I thought he was just being a virtuous man with a lot of self-control (something I had not encountered before). Turns out he was not into sex or touching of any kind at all, except for hand holding only rarely, and perhaps a hug if I asked for it. Months before we were married I sat him down and told him my sexual history, so he knew all about my expectations. He told me just this year that he thought all his "problems" would "just go away" once we were married. He told me nothing about any doubts or worries concerning sex. I understand he may have done this out of fear of rejection, but that does not alleviate the feeling of resentment and betrayal I am left with. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never again have another healthful, intimate, mutually pleasurable sexual encounter for the rest of my life (I haven't had one in at least fourteen years). I kept hoping it would get better, I sought counselling, and we even went together but he wouldn't say anything.and would sabotage any exercises the therapist gave us to improve communication. He is comfortable in this non-intimate holding pattern and despite talking to him in a reasonable, calm manner about my feelings concerning his actions, he seems quite ready to let me bear the pain so long as he is comfortable. He will not share himself with me emotionally, spiritually, physically or verbally. I feel so lonely (and not just to "have it off"). We are essentially roommates who handle childcare and household chores. He is a good person, but as long as he has male friends he does not need me. I feel as if we (me and our children) are getting in the way of what he'd rather be doing - going to work, getting home, going to hang out with his buddies next door. This post is long - it is such a relief to find a forum in which I am not the only one who is dealing with a sexual/asexual partnership. Thanks for reading and for providing this resource!!

[TheOther]

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

Is this something asexuals do regularly? How can you say, well, it's fine, and then rescind that permission once your sexual partner is happy? How is it "cheating" if you got permission?

As mentioned elsewhere, I am the mistress of a sexual who is married to an asexual. I am here because I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with them and whether they should keep going. (Nope, not expecting her to leave her wife for me.)

[Philip027]

Is this something asexuals do regularly? How can you say, well, it's fine, and then rescind that permission once your sexual partner is happy? How is it "cheating" if you got permission?

The permission given was to seek sex (at least, that's how Percivel has said it to us), not necessarily an intimate relationship with another. Even if an asexual can detach themself from sex and its usual implications, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're ok with allowing the sexual partner to go and find other relationship partners. I'm willing to bet that if anything, the wife in this scenario was thinking more along the lines of a hooker/prostitute or your preferred other sort of source of "no strings attached" sex.

[RMBooknerd]

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

Is this something asexuals do regularly? How can you say, well, it's fine, and then rescind that permission once your sexual partner is happy? How is it "cheating" if you got permission?

As mentioned elsewhere, I am the mistress of a sexual who is married to an asexual. I am here because I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with them and whether they should keep going. (Nope, not expecting her to leave her wife for me.)

Sexual spouse of an gray-a here. It really depends on the people involved. My partner minded a sexual partner that I had a relationship with less than later (after that partner moved) a lot less than some pick-up situations. Other people have the opposite experience. For us, dishonesty was the thing that was hard on our relationship. Realize, mine doesn't even self-identify as any type of asexual, I'm just going by other things that have been said. "I can go years without sex without noticing." was one tipoff. Realize I went into my (now nearly 15 year) relationship with my eyes open- and we decided on an open relationship at the outset, though we've been effectively closed for the last six years or so. (who has time for another relationship with full time jobs and kids anyway?)

[joesantus]

I'm just saying, I'm a sexual, and I would be devastated if someone i loved went had any kind of intimate relationship with anyone else - physical or otherwise. I don't think people realize the can of worms something like that - even if it's 'just sex' implies. You're still giving something of yourself to someone else that the other person who loves you, can not share or be apart of. They also are not going to be there and will be thinking 'what if he/she loves her more. she/he can offer more. I guess i'm not good enough for you'. That in itself can be damaging. If you love your partner, why would want to toy with that? This will not make your partner want you more, it will destroy whatever you have. (points down to this quote)

I do also think it may be possible that an asexual who doesn't think to give their sexual partner sexual pleasure might put in more effort if they realized their partner was desired by others, and would have options for intimacy if it is absent in their marriage

No, it will hurt them. Plus some asexuals, like my girlfriend, are uncomfortable with anything sexual - not just to them.

You also need to be thinking about the other third person involved who may develop feelings associated with this 'hook up time', too.

Unless you are literally paying for a prostitute, there are not many men or women out there that are honestly going to just be fine with sex sex without anything else building there after a while.

JMO from someone who has been cheating on before.

Most sexuals DO associate sex with some form of intimacy be it little or a lot. Asexuals need to be aware of this too.

I'm sorry, just the truth. I don't want anyone to get hurt. These ideas of going else where are something to seriously take a really good hard look at, because it can spiral.

As a 57-year-old Sexual male in a 34-year marriage with an Ace lady, who explored virtually every avenue for decades with her as we earnestly tried to "fix" our sexual incompatibility before discovering the reason for it, I agree that intimacy is ultimately inseparable from sex for nearly all women and for many men. I say that as someone for whom sex most definitely means and requires intimacy, and has been in a "successful" open marriage with my wife for many years.

Juggling the intimacy issue of extra-"primary-relationship" requires not only rare personality/temperament to begin with but also life maturity (which I don't observe has usually been acquired before age 30); experience with long-term relationships (and by "long" I mean a minimum of ten years per committed relationship); excellent communication skills; acute and consistent sensitivity to one's primary and extra-primary partners (including keen ability to understand a partner's perspective even if disagreeing with it); comprehensive emotional self-awareness and stability; and painfully-vulnerable honesty at all levels. Those natural jealousies and insecurities you mentioned have to be frontally faced, reasoned through, and resolved both individually and mutually (and yes, that is possible).

With these qualifiers, sex outside one's primary relationship is workable. However, as the conditions imply, extremely few people have the ability. (By the way, that's no judgement against anyone, no more than the fact that most of us can't be, say, Olympic-level athletes nor mathematical geniuses is a judgement against anyone). So, while I do know that extra-relational intimacy is a workable compromise for some Asexual/Sexual couples, I agree that for most it will mean heartache if not disaster.

[Sally]

TheOther, on 21 May 2014 - 02:26 AM, said:

Percivel, on 15 Apr 2014 - 03:58 AM, said:

Several years ago my ace wife gave me the green light (on several occasions) to seek sex with someone else. I think she did it just to try to make me happy. I don;t think she understood the intimacy aspect of a sexual relationship though. I entertained the idea as well but never followed through for the same reasons as you, Still. A few years later I established an on-line relationship that started out as just a friendship with someone. That on-line friendship quickly developed into intimacy. It only lasted two months when my wife found out about it (I kept it from her). Well, that "little" relationship devastated my wife. It nearly crushed her. She lay in bed day after day for a month crying and crying. I felt like an ass. She said she really didn't expect to feel the way she did and even later said that she had no right to be upset about it because she couldn't provide me with what I needed. She also said that she never thought I would ever cheat on her.

To this day my wife no longer wholly trusts me anymore.

Is this something asexuals do regularly? How can you say, well, it's fine, and then rescind that permission once your sexual partner is happy? How is it "cheating" if you got permission?

As mentioned elsewhere, I am the mistress of a sexual who is married to an asexual. I am here because I am trying to figure out what the hell is going on with them and whether they should keep going. (Nope, not expecting her to leave her wife for me.)

Why is it even partially your decision as to whether they should keep going? That's their marriage, not yours. And does the asexual know about your relationship with the sexual?

[frednsa]

Call it a "poll"

How many years can a marriage between a sexual (me) and an asexual is the record. I believe I'm in contention (51 years).

Any comers ???

[Lady Girl]

We just had our 28th. I hope we get at least 28 more. :)

[joesantus]

Just observed our 34th. But, mere babies compared with your 51!