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Fellow Sexuals

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Anthracite_Impreza
2 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Yeah you feel literal terror, and that's aside from the pain. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced and it never got easier in the whole two years I had to do it 😕 

I'm not sure if you're still into him but the sentiment still counts

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c12a336d5c8af8832df9533c3d139c77.jpg

 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
3 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I'm not sure if you're still into him but the sentiment still counts

  Reveal hidden contents

c12a336d5c8af8832df9533c3d139c77.jpg

 

I'll always be into him 😍 thank you so much!! :3 :cake: (edit: cake fail lol)

 

(I'm on my phone and can't post a gif, but pretend this space is a nice Cap/Bucky gif!) 

 

i was super depressed before sorry, normally I try not to go all doom and gloom like that but reading through some of the comments here brought back lame old memories. The nice Loki/Thor huggles pic made me happy again though, thank you! ^_^

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Fallen Unicorn
On 5/3/2019 at 9:40 AM, CBC said:

one 30-year-old woman mentioned that her 49-year-old husband wanted sex four times a day. Upon further discussion, she said that she was fine with once or twice a day almost all of the time, but otherwise would give him a handjob or a blowjob because four times was too much. Good lord, ya think?!

😂 That's terrible. And I thought I was a really sexual person. I certainly wouldn't want it that often, I'd get nothing done.

 

22 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Then imagine being in a brothel and 4-7 times a night, 7 nights a week, being the 'average' amount, and also having to have it twice a day every day with your 'partner' who is the one who makes you work in the brothel

 

22 hours ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Yeah you feel literal terror, and that's aside from the pain. It's the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced and it never got easier in the whole two years I had to do it 😕 

Did...did this really happen to you? Are you in a safer place right now? I'm concerned.

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Fallen Unicorn
22 hours ago, Serran said:

I cant even imagine once with a stranger. Ew. 

Yeah, I thought since I was a pretty sexual person, I would be into that, or a friends-with-benefits type situation. But it seems that I can't have one without the other: can't have sex without romantic love, can't have romantic love without sex.

 

Are a lot of people like that?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
6 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Did...did this really happen to you? Are you in a safer place right now? I'm concerned.

Yes it did but it was like 8+ years ago now so it's okay. I know I need some kind of therapy or something because I still can't physically be near guys without freaking out, but I prefer to be at home anyway so can avoid upsetting situations for the most part. Thank you for your concern though, that's kind of you :3 :cake: 

 

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Telecaster68
6 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Yeah, I thought since I was a pretty sexual person, I would be into that, or a friends-with-benefits type situation. But it seems that I can't have one without the other: can't have sex without romantic love, can't have romantic love without sex.

 

Are a lot of people like that?

Weirdly, I'm going the other way, having split up from my effectively-asexual-but-who-knows-and-I-couldn't-take-it-whatever-it-was spouse (I'm surprised AVEN hasn't turned that into an orientation too...).

 

I'd always that ONS type stuff aside, sex would always be part of a fairly straightforward common on garden monogamous partnership, but currently my FWB arrangement is pretty much exactly what I want. 

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Serran
7 hours ago, Fallen Unicorn said:

Yeah, I thought since I was a pretty sexual person, I would be into that, or a friends-with-benefits type situation. But it seems that I can't have one without the other: can't have sex without romantic love, can't have romantic love without sex.

 

Are a lot of people like that?

A fair amount of people are. Then a lot arent. My friends tend to only have sex within a romantic relationship.

 

I can't even imagine having sex without love involved. It would feel so awful !

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anisotrophic
14 hours ago, Serran said:

I can't even imagine having sex without love involved. It would feel so awful !

I think sex+love is very normal, but I've had a FWB & it was very relaxed, I trusted him ... but he just wasn't someone I could feel romantically about (I think I couldn't quite understand him). But I definitely considered him a friend! :)

 

And another one-off thing, but someone I knew... but (1) I already knew these people, they weren't via deliberate dating/seeking, (2) my sexual desire is much stronger when it's alongside a romantic one.

 

Deliberately dating/seeking someone feels artificial, it didn't work for me when I tried it long ago, although I expect I'll be trying it again someday. And romance/love are so entangled that I think it'd be very unrealistic to not plan for them likely coming together. They generally do for me.

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Apostle
On 5/6/2019 at 5:08 AM, Fallen Unicorn said:

But it seems that I can't have one without the other: can't have sex without romantic love, can't have romantic love without sex.

 

Are a lot of people like that?

It seems you may be in the minority of females and I also know, by talking with both male and female friends that men seem to have more affinity with romance when sex is involved. Sexless romance appears to be less attractive to men for whatever reason.

 

I've no doubt someone in this post will counteract my observations though!

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Marux2019
On 7/5/2010 at 12:30 AM, Shinnok said:

I'm Sexual. My SO is Asexual. The reason I stay on this forum is because this forum has become a place for me to go to when I feel like I have no where else to go. I have friends here

Hi! I think I just stumbled to the right place..but my problem is that I don't actually know... I believe my boyfriend might be asexual, it is really hard on me and I guess, actually worse for him ..but he doesn't seem to want to even think about it, he just prefer to ignore the situation...so I don't know if the problem is that he is not attracted to me, or if he is actually asexual. Any suggestions on how to bring up the matter? I don't want to offend him or make him feel bad in anyway...but I can't pretend that is not in issue when he doesn't want to be touched :(.. I worry...and I'm a nurse...so I really hope the reason for this is not some kind of sickness/tumor....ogm it sounds like I'm overreacting (sorry).

Thanks for any help ❤️

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uhtred
3 hours ago, Marux2019 said:

Hi! I think I just stumbled to the right place..but my problem is that I don't actually know... I believe my boyfriend might be asexual, it is really hard on me and I guess, actually worse for him ..but he doesn't seem to want to even think about it, he just prefer to ignore the situation...so I don't know if the problem is that he is not attracted to me, or if he is actually asexual. Any suggestions on how to bring up the matter? I don't want to offend him or make him feel bad in anyway...but I can't pretend that is not in issue when he doesn't want to be touched :(.. I worry...and I'm a nurse...so I really hope the reason for this is not some kind of sickness/tumor....ogm it sounds like I'm overreacting (sorry).

Thanks for any help ❤️

My advice is to talk to him - even if it is difficult.  It doesn't do either of you any good to let this lie.  Find out if you can be happy together with a level of sex you both enjoy, because if you can't, there is no point staying in an unhappy relationship.   If you wait, he may never discuss it. 

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In need of help

Help I think my partner is asexual and I am not. No interaction sexually in 3yrs! And even though countless conversations and arguments no results. I’m ready to through in the towel but a friend mentioned this as a possible answer on the whys. Anyone else? 

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AceMissBehaving
5 minutes ago, In need of help said:

Help I think my partner is asexual and I am not. No interaction sexually in 3yrs! And even though countless conversations and arguments no results. I’m ready to through in the towel but a friend mentioned this as a possible answer on the whys. Anyone else? 

Are you looking for people in the same boat, or answers to the hows and whys?

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Telecaster68

There are a bunch of sexual partners in the 'Partners, Friends and Allies' section of this forum who'll understand your position, but briefly, here are your options, assuming your partner is asexual:

 

1. No change - which means you stay in this position for the rest of your life and you find a way of getting used to it. Some people find masturbation, exercise, meditation, intense hobbies take the edge off. You'll also have to perform some mental gymnastics to separate your ideas about intimacy and attractiveness from sex. This is hard work, and mostly only seems to work partially and not all the time.

 

2. Compromise - you and your partner have to talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. Always, not just a one off thing, and find a level of you having more sex than you want, and your partner having more sex than they want, and seeing if you can both sustain this. Frequently, one or both partners think they can deal with this indefinitely but sooner or later it turns out that one or both can't - it gets wearing. One thing to get your head round: they'll never desire you sexually, not once, ever. You'll remain sexually undesired for the rest of your life, but some people can cope with this in the context of a relationship which is great in every other way. It also only works if they're not repulsed by sex and get some kind of pleasure from sex on the level of giving you a massage.

 

3. Opening the relationship - again, lots of communication and she agrees, with whatever conditions, to let you have sex with other people. They may not be keen on it. It may seem unfair, but from their perspective, they probably feels like they're failing you as a partner and this will just rub it in. They're also probably aware that sexual people almost inevitably develop some kind of feelings for long term sexual partners, and this could threaten your relationship. There are plenty on here who'll say that sleeping with someone else without your partner's knowledge - ie cheating - is just blanket always wrong, but if there are other elements (like kids, finances etc) that mean the damage from ending the relationship will be huge, and they just refuse to talk about it or countenance any kind of compromise, I think it's a pretty grey area, if risky.

 

4. Splitting up - if none of this seems sustainable to you, then in the end you two are probably going to make yourselves miserable by continuing in the relationship. Contrary to Hollywood, love doesn't conquer all, and wanting a relationship which includes sex as a dealbreaking way of sharing intimacy isn't at all unreasonable. You're not the bad guy here, and there's no more onus on you to suppress your emotional needs than for them to suppress theirs. In that case, it may be better in the longer run for both of you if you split up.

 

It's not an easy or happy situation, and I'm deliberately not sugar coating it. 

 

Nobody owes another person sex, but two people in a relationship do owe each other communication and their best efforts to look out for each other's interests. It may be that counselling (individually or together) might help you find a way ahead together - and that's the way to frame it, not that they have to be 'healed' in some way.

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

you having more sex than you want,

Not possible as it looks today....

 

Of course it was a typo, but of all the typos you could make, that one? 😬🤭

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Telecaster68

Oops. Cut and paste job insufficiently corrected... 

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DavidAttenboroughFan

Hello all! I am writing because I am in a relationship with an asexual girl. I'm really struggling because this is my first relationship (I am 19) and I am having a hard time managing it. I am sexual. My girlfriend and I do have sex but definitely not as much as I would like. I feel guilty for wanting sex so badly when I know she doesn't want it. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I love her so much and everything else about our relationship is wonderful. I don't want to break up with her because of something that should be so insignificant but I am also really really struggling. I find her so sexy and attractive and it drives me crazy that she doesn't feel the same way about me. Any tips or advice from people in this situation?? I feel so conflicted. 

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uhtred
7 hours ago, DavidAttenboroughFan said:

Hello all! I am writing because I am in a relationship with an asexual girl. I'm really struggling because this is my first relationship (I am 19) and I am having a hard time managing it. I am sexual. My girlfriend and I do have sex but definitely not as much as I would like. I feel guilty for wanting sex so badly when I know she doesn't want it. I don't know how to handle this anymore. I love her so much and everything else about our relationship is wonderful. I don't want to break up with her because of something that should be so insignificant but I am also really really struggling. I find her so sexy and attractive and it drives me crazy that she doesn't feel the same way about me. Any tips or advice from people in this situation?? I feel so conflicted. 

In  the 1980s  when I was 18 I met a girl and fell in love. The term asexual wasn't known back then, but I did know that I desired her sexually but she did not desire me.  I felt guilty for my desire. I felt like love should triumph over all, and that I should rise above my base nature.    We are still married, and I still love her.  

 

But - scarcely a day has gone by in the last almost 40 years that I have not felt some resentment that I have never had the sort of sex life that would have made me happy.  I have everything I ever wanted in life - but there is that one hole that nothing can fill.   There are brief times when she does become interested in sex for a few weeks or a month, and I remember what it is to be happy.   It is made worse by knowing that she loves me and wants to make me happy. 

 

Don't be me.   You and she are not compatible. There is not fault / blame. Neither of you is a bad person.  But you won't be happy together. 

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Traveler40
8 hours ago, DavidAttenboroughFan said:

...something that should be so insignificant but I am also really really struggling.

A. It’s certainly not, in any way, insignificant.

B. If you’re struggling now, add a few more decades, a couple of kids and a history together and know that if it seems impossible to break it off today, it only gets tougher with time. 

 

Do yourself a favor and listen to what you’re feeling. Please understand that this won’t magically correct with time and there’s nothing stopping you from being great friends.

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alibali

I don't think it's a good idea either if sexually you are incompatible. It's obviously significant for the sexual. It's just asexuals find it insignificant.....for them only. I don't understand asexuals who find it insignificant for them think it should be for sexuals.  Hence why I am on here as an asexual and not following asexual problems page.....

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Apostle

Like Uhtred I am in the same situation......love my SO but oh so missing sex, cuddles, the excitement of exploring and sharing each other physically and mentally.

 

This will never happen if you are sexually incompatible so be honest about your feelings with her and say you would like to be friends only. This will save years of longing and heartache.

 

Believe me, do it now before you both get more involved.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

I....agree and disagree?  Like, I do think the advice given is appropriate for you.  If you're already feeling these feelings, then they're not going to get better, they're probably only going to get worse.  I personally chose a relationship with an asexual, but I have almost 40 years of life under my belt.  I've lived a sexual life.  I've made a choice based on past data.  But, if you're are already feeling like you are missing out on sex, then your relationship is going to end in resentment and tears.

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DavidAttenboroughFan

Thank you all for your advice, its great to hear from people who have been in this situation for longer. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only person who feels this way, none of my friends understand what its like. I feel like this girl is everything I need in life and it hurts me more than I can say to even think about ending this. Have you found that you can compromise for a long term relationship despite some dissatisfaction? She is super open to compromise and isn't averse to sex, its more that she doesn't find me sexually attractive that I'm struggling to come to terms with. Thanks so much for being honest with me!!!

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TurnedTurtle
Posted (edited)

Can you find some solace in that it's not just about you -- she doesn't find anyone else sexually attractive either?

Edited by TurnedTurtle
had left out the word "find"
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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Look into the split-attraction model.  It was all I needed to understand my partner better and accept him from who he is and how he loves.

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DavidAttenboroughFan
5 hours ago, TurnedTurtle said:

Can you some solace in that it's not just about you -- she doesn't find anyone else sexually attractive either?

That is helpful, thanks!

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DavidAttenboroughFan
3 hours ago, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

Look into the split-attraction model.  It was all I needed to understand my partner better and accept him from who he is and how he loves.

I looked this up and I've never heard of it before. I'm gonna talk about it with my partner and find out if it describes what she's feeling because it definitely makes sense to me. 

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Apostle
On 6/15/2019 at 6:21 AM, xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ said:

I....agree and disagree?  Like, I do think the advice given is appropriate for you.  If you're already feeling these feelings, then they're not going to get better, they're probably only going to get worse.  I personally chose a relationship with an asexual, but I have almost 40 years of life under my belt.  I've lived a sexual life.  I've made a choice based on past data.  But, if you're are already feeling like you are missing out on sex, then your relationship is going to end in resentment and tears.

Nearly 25 years and the situation will probably never change. She has never wanted to discuss this issue as she is a non confrontational type of person. I've lived with it and will continue to do so. One must not forget that sex is a very small part of a union and that is how I view it, much to my regret but for the better of the relationship.

 

It takes a strong personality to do this though.

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humantoafault

So is it weird that my interest in sex seems like it's fading? Granted, I am on antidepressants and antipsychotics. I'm even finding myself thinking that sex in a relationship would feel like a chore. 

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alibali
On 6/17/2019 at 9:23 AM, Apostle said:

Nearly 25 years and the situation will probably never change. She has never wanted to discuss this issue as she is a non confrontational type of person. I've lived with it and will continue to do so. One must not forget that sex is a very small part of a union and that is how I view it, much to my regret but for the better of the relationship.

 

It takes a strong personality to do this though.

I'm intrigued about how you have never discussed the issue as you must have asked and been refused and questioned why. 

 

Had you had other relationships prior to getting married?

 

Apologies if this is intrusive but I don't understand 25 years of no communication about it when so mismatched sexually.

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