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interpol

I identify as a heterosexual, heteroromantic female.

I'm on this site because I have a friend who thinks she is some form of asexual.

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Dutchboy66

pppffffff,

its all so difficult.

I dont know where to start and dont know where to end.......

Who want to help me to organize my brain, my feelings and my more of this.

I think i'll take a piece of :cake: , and you take also a few pieces... :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake: :cake:

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ReyaRlyeh

(waves) Um. Hi. I'm having a heck of a night - so I'm glad to be here. (sighs) Me: 32, poly-pansexual, married going to be 4 years to the most amazing (possibly/probably) ace guy. (Most recent quote from him: "I'm not sure if it's the depression or if I really am ace just *nothing* is going on for me.") He was celibate before we married and it's been a year for both of us now. I was always the initiator and after a while I got tired of doing that. I don't know exactly what I expected - maybe once we signed the papers, that mindset would change. It didn't, really. So we just stopped. I didn't push it, in hopes that he wouldn't feel guilty for having those "relations" (which he'd been told were wrong for 30 years - he points out that it's hard to get over that guilt even now that he's no longer evangelical Christian) and if I mentioned it, he feels guilty for "ignoring my needs" for so long - so I feel kinda darn if I do, darn if I don't. We're trying to communicate more - trying to figure out what any or all of this means. So yeah... here I am. Feeling confused and "bothered" - LOL.

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Lady Girl

Hi Reya. It sounds like he is at least a little open to talking about it and does care about your needs. I know it's a difficult situation and if you're anything like me, sometimes it's really easy and everything is just fine in spite of this, while other times it seems so frustrating. I hope you find some answers here (or ideas anyway) and support too.

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Down in Texas

I initiated all sex in our marriage for almost 20 years. While at the time I felt as if my husband should be wanting to initiate sometimes and having read many books looking for answers. One book said I was robbing my husband's masculinity by not allowing him to make the first move. So I stopped initiating and allowed him to make that move but it never came and when I said something it took longer and longer because he never thought to want sex so he never made a move. Years later he ask why I had stopped. I told him and he then said he wished I had not stopped he thought he had done something wrong that I no longer wanted him. My point is that book was the worst advise I ever received. Make sure if your initiations are not being offensive and to often then why stop showing him you want him. It could be as simple as just continuing to want and being kind and gentle in your initiation. We have been married for 40 years now and the last 20 have been the hardest sexually. I often wish I had just kept loving and initiating as I had in the beginning. Best of luck it is true communication is the key and if your partner is not offended by your initiation then just don't stop.

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Martin de V

I'm kind of coming around a corner. My wife and I have been married for 8 years now. We have two great kids. I love her dearly; she tells me that she loves me, and I believe her.

A couple of weeks ago, she came out to me as asexual. She was afraid to tell me for a while, she says, because she was afraid I'd ask for a divorce. She's asexual; I am decidedly not so. She was afraid that I'd see it as a reflection on me...and I suppose I did. We don't have sex nearly as often as I'd like, and the frequency seemed to be declining, and I was pretty certain it was my fault. Lot of demands, lot of frustration.

I'm still kind of processing it all.

I guess I'm here...trying to figure out how to process it. Trying to prove to myself I'm not alone. I don't know where to start, really,

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Lady Girl

I guess I'm here...trying to figure out how to process it. Trying to prove to myself I'm not alone. I don't know where to start, really,

Hi Martin and welcome to AVEN! You are not alone...and you seem to have found a pretty good place to start. You can also start your own topic in the Welcome Lounge if you like (most people post a little bit about themselves, their situation, or how they found AVEN). There is also this Sexual Compromise thread that you might be interested in reading (you are welcome to participate there as well). In fact, you are invited to post anywhere on the board when you feel like it. :)

I've been married 27 years now and my husband identifies as asexual. We figured it out a little over two years ago and still struggle with it sometimes but nothing like we did before we knew why we were at odds over this. Processing it is probably different for everybody. I still go back to old thoughts (that don't help me in the least) at times. Mostly though I am much happier than I ever was. Enough about me, I hope the links I gave you help some and if you have any questions feel free to send me a PM, or just post again in this thread. :cake:

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Mad Hatter

I'm a demisexual but joined when I identified more as an asexual. Several of my sexual friends and partner are floating around the forum, as they joined due to me mentioning my asexuality.

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rbel

ive been married 10 yrs to a man very asexual.. altho we didnt know then he just never showed affetion unless i intiated it.. and even then it never seemed he liked it much or that he was really close to me.. more just the motions.. ive burnt myself out trying to bring out a sexual person in him that just sint there.. since we separated 5 months ago he and i have been researching.. he firmly beleives he is asexual and so do i .. its been emotionally hellish and hurtful.. i do love him but im really lonely in this marriage he doenst communictae much to me.. says we can talk about things as long as its not about our relationship our thoughts feelings or emotions i mean what kind of closeness is there in that with no communcating about intimate things.. plus no sex or much affection at all.. he doenst like kissing realy , never thoguht to put his arm around me, hold my hand we sat like strangers at parties or restaurants just not much to say at all he never carried on a lenghty conversation about much.... ive just felt so alone in my marriage.. we are friends.. we can laugh and joke around but i can do that with my firends.. i need a husband a partner a lover... someone much more than a friend.. he has admitted lately he doenst like sex.. never really did .. said it was ok when we did it but didnt make him want it again any time soon.. did it mostly because he knew i wanted it. i never felt like he was with me.. so to speak. like it was just mechanical.. he never seemed overly aroused or had the urges to relaly want it.. it was a duty.. i cant imagine my whole life being with someoen who feels its his duty and never connecting intimalty while we are together. and knowing hed rather be watching tv then with me.. i need that physical and emotional connection.. ive missed it so much. it feels really empty... yes 10 yrs of this and we have 2 boys and i had 2 children when i met him... he accepted and took my kids in with open arms he is a good man. provider cares about me so much.. woudl do anythign for me but give me that bond.. that relationship i need from my marriage.. he isnt capable.. do i want to always intiate the rest of my life.. No to be honest i want to feel wanted and i want to feel passion.. and most of all closeness , desire love.... do i walk away for good.. ?? ive been struggling for months.. the kids are fine with our separating.. they have been adjusting well. and i honelsty think its been healthy for me to be out of the stress of how i felt. resentful.. angry. hurt.. undesriable etc... im 42 and prety nice looking its sad ive had such passion inside me and with someoen who didnt want it... how do you all feel are you staying in your marriages or do you feel its best to leave.. its a hard desicion.. i dont wann feel selfish.. but like my hubby said i wont be happy with him like this.. i shoiudlnt be with him when i need and want so much more than he can give me..

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almassyleda

I'm here because the love of my life is asexual.

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Benedict1976

I am here because I think my wife may be a sexual. we have been married 7 years , she corrected me on that today I miscounted it as 8, We had an active sex life while we dated for 5 years but once we got married there was a lot of tiredness and head aches. I took the hint and stopped pushing more than three or four times a year. went from confused to angry to bitter to resigned. over the last few months I realized that I spend about an hour every night before I fall asleep wishing my wife was attracted to me and feeling bitter and cheated again. I confronted her and she said that she would try to be more physical she cried and apologized but after a month nothing changed. So i talked to her again reminded her of her promise. She cried and hugged me and apologized again. She swore it was not me and that she loves me but that physical intimacy does not cross her mind. I still don't think she realized how much that hurt me because when I look at her it crosses my mind just about every time. I am here so I can tell someone about how I feel and not feel like I am talking to myself.

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toosettled

Just found the AVEN forums today, glad I did.

I'm a woman, married to a woman for 5 years. Lots of ups and downs in our relationship, but always a difficult issue has been emotional and physical intimacy.

Physical imtimacy (sex and touching etc) - not only does she not need it, she doesn't seem to want it in any way except to satisfy a physical urge. She doesn't seem to gain from it either, except feeling pleased that I am pleased.

Emotional intimacy is also tough- it seems to be a very risky thing for her to be emotionally intimate with me. Being emotionally intimate makes sex even more difficult for her so 'lovemaking' is a nightmare, and for her sex really isn't an expression of love.

I'm here because there are other conflicting needs in our relationship -maybe working this one out will help overall, or maybe this is something which can't be solved.

Really appreciating everyone's honesty and support.

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Lasker

I just joined. Married a long time to a wife whom I suspect is asexual. Trying to learn more and figure out a healthy path forward for both of us.

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ThaHoward

I just joined. Married a long time to a wife whom I suspect is asexual. Trying to learn more and figure out a healthy path forward for both of us.

Why do you think she is asexual? And what would this mean for you, how would you handle it? You should probably talk to her abut it :)

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Lasker

I just joined. Married a long time to a wife whom I suspect is asexual. Trying to learn more and figure out a healthy path forward for both of us.

Why do you think she is asexual? And what would this mean for you, how would you handle it? You should probably talk to her abut it :)

As I wrote, I just learned about this concept and am reading all I can before I have such a conversation. We have had many conversations about our sex life and my dissatisfaction with our sex life over the years, and it now occurs to me that maybe she is asexual, which would explain much. And yes, I realize that this could create a dilemma for me/us, I cannot avoid seeking a greater understanding/truth to explain our situation. My MO is to gather as much info as possible before initiating such an important conversation.

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Lady Girl

I just joined. Married a long time to a wife whom I suspect is asexual. Trying to learn more and figure out a healthy path forward for both of us.

Why do you think she is asexual? And what would this mean for you, how would you handle it? You should probably talk to her abut it :)

As I wrote, I just learned about this concept and am reading all I can before I have such a conversation. We have had many conversations about our sex life and my dissatisfaction with our sex life over the years, and it now occurs to me that maybe she is asexual, which would explain much. And yes, I realize that this could create a dilemma for me/us, I cannot avoid seeking a greater understanding/truth to explain our situation. My MO is to gather as much info as possible before initiating such an important conversation.

Hi Lasker! I did the same thing, but didn't make into the forums until after speaking with my husband about it. The link in my signature along with the other FAQs in that Front Page area is where I got most of my advice and verbiage for that conversation. Good luck to you! :cake:

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Down in Texas

Welcome to AVEN I hope you are able to find the information you are looking for. Just so you will understand a bit. You will discover both sexuals and asexuals will give you advise. You will also discover that Heterosexuals and Homosexuals experience the same feelings when it comes to being sexual or asexual. You will have to know which advise to take and which to ignore, only you will know. Everyone's lives are different and all relationships have different dynamics that are unique. No two relationships are the same therefore only you will know what you can apply to your relationship and what will not apply. You will find advise from the young inexperienced (by no means am I saying what they have been through is less important than others it is just different times and circumstances that have formed their knowledge), you will find advise from some that are hurt and still hurting, and you will find advise from those that have been where you are. We all come in different forms with different levels of acceptance, expectations, and understanding. Please take your time to discover what you need, then I hope you will be able to talk to you partner and come to a compromise that will work for you both.

Just so you know there are many on here that have been married for quite some time. Some longer than others. Myself I have been married for just over 40 years and only learned about AVEN a little over a year ago. My husband is a Grey A by his own admission, though it took him a while after showing him this site before he was able to talk about it and come to terms with what it meant for us.

Best of Luck to you both. May you find some peace in the knowledge even if the first step hurts a bit.

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No Fate

I'm a sexual, but I am incel, and I'm not sure why...

So I'm here because I can talk about the issue with a broad spectrum of people with different experiences, and so hope to learn more about myself, and about others...

And also, I think the asexual community is quite interesting in its own right :D So why not expand one's mind a little...

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nymphaea caerulea

ive been married 10 yrs to a man very asexual.. altho we didnt know then he just never showed affetion unless i intiated it.. and even then it never seemed he liked it much or that he was really close to me.. more just the motions.. ive burnt myself out trying to bring out a sexual person in him that just sint there.. since we separated 5 months ago he and i have been researching.. he firmly beleives he is asexual and so do i .. its been emotionally hellish and hurtful.. i do love him but im really lonely in this marriage he doenst communictae much to me.. says we can talk about things as long as its not about our relationship our thoughts feelings or emotions i mean what kind of closeness is there in that with no communcating about intimate things.. plus no sex or much affection at all.. he doenst like kissing realy , never thoguht to put his arm around me, hold my hand we sat like strangers at parties or restaurants just not much to say at all he never carried on a lenghty conversation about much.... ive just felt so alone in my marriage.. we are friends.. we can laugh and joke around but i can do that with my firends.. i need a husband a partner a lover... someone much more than a friend.. he has admitted lately he doenst like sex.. never really did .. said it was ok when we did it but didnt make him want it again any time soon.. did it mostly because he knew i wanted it. i never felt like he was with me.. so to speak. like it was just mechanical.. he never seemed overly aroused or had the urges to relaly want it.. it was a duty.. i cant imagine my whole life being with someoen who feels its his duty and never connecting intimalty while we are together. and knowing hed rather be watching tv then with me.. i need that physical and emotional connection.. ive missed it so much. it feels really empty... yes 10 yrs of this and we have 2 boys and i had 2 children when i met him... he accepted and took my kids in with open arms he is a good man. provider cares about me so much.. woudl do anythign for me but give me that bond.. that relationship i need from my marriage.. he isnt capable.. do i want to always intiate the rest of my life.. No to be honest i want to feel wanted and i want to feel passion.. and most of all closeness , desire love.... do i walk away for good.. ?? ive been struggling for months.. the kids are fine with our separating.. they have been adjusting well. and i honelsty think its been healthy for me to be out of the stress of how i felt. resentful.. angry. hurt.. undesriable etc... im 42 and prety nice looking its sad ive had such passion inside me and with someoen who didnt want it... how do you all feel are you staying in your marriages or do you feel its best to leave.. its a hard desicion.. i dont wann feel selfish.. but like my hubby said i wont be happy with him like this.. i shoiudlnt be with him when i need and want so much more than he can give me..

rbel:

I haven't posted about myself on this site yet because I am not sure I am ready, but I want to let you know that I am in almost the exact same situation as you and that you are not alone.

I have tremendous admiration for the courage you found to leave your husband. It is a decision that I have been struggling with myself for over 10 years now and I am really feeling to need to make a decision one way or the other.

For what it's worth, I don't think you are being selfish at all. A good friend once suggested thinking of it instead as " self-ful".

May I ask what you and your husband have told others about the reason for the split? Specifically, your children. I often wonder how honest I would be if I find myself in that position.

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realcooldude

I'm here cause my girlfriend is ace, and it helps me understand things better. Granted, I really wish I knew she was ace before getting into this relationship, but that's all done and over with, so now's the time to turn lemons into lemonade.

Plus, it's fun to do :^) things.

edit: In hindsight, my post sounded pessimistic as to how I regarded being in this relationship. I'm actually happy and don't regret going into it, however, there was quite a bit of shaky ground, with some troubles I faced because I wasn't mentally prepared for being with an ace. Asexual or othwerise, I'd have chosen to go after my now-girlfriend because:

1.she's worth it

2. I hate wondering what could have been.

Edited by realcooldude

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joesantus

I guess I'm here...trying to figure out how to process it. Trying to prove to myself I'm not alone. I don't know where to start, really,

Hi Martin and welcome to AVEN! You are not alone...and you seem to have found a pretty good place to start. You can also start your own topic in the Welcome Lounge if you like (most people post a little bit about themselves, their situation, or how they found AVEN). There is also this Sexual Compromise thread that you might be interested in reading (you are welcome to participate there as well). In fact, you are invited to post anywhere on the board when you feel like it. :)

I've been married 27 years now and my husband identifies as asexual. We figured it out a little over two years ago and still struggle with it sometimes but nothing like we did before we knew why we were at odds over this. Processing it is probably different for everybody. I still go back to old thoughts (that don't help me in the least) at times. Mostly though I am much happier than I ever was. Enough about me, I hope the links I gave you help some and if you have any questions feel free to send me a PM, or just post again in this thread. :cake:

I'm new to the site but not at all new to the ace/non-ace long-term-relationship scenario. I'm a highly-sexual male married 33 years to an Asperger's woman who identifies as Asexual. For many years until this year, she identified as having Lifelong, Generalized HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder), although I always disliked so omitted the last "D", since I recognized that "disorder" usually implies a condition that can and/or needs to be "fixed".

I'm here in case my long experience as a long-and-deep thinking Sexual in an LTR with an Ace can be any benefit to others, especially those newer to such a relationship. My wife and I know the trials-and-errors, the misunderstandings, the heartaches, the frustrations, and the sometimes-hopelessness that Ace/non-Ace couples can have on their plates, particularly in their earlier years together and when it's only beginning to be clear to them just what "the problem between us" actually is.

As LADY GIRL expresses, awareness of the issue is basic to a couple addressing it and processing it, and each person seems to process differently. This site offers assistance for that processing.

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jojo2003

There's a lot of new people all of a sudden here. I do like the fact that we can share opinions with more people who have similar experiences.

I think it is good to get informed about asexuality to start the "discussion" with your asexual partner on an informed level. I have not found this forum untill my partner identified as a (possible) asexual. I use the brackets on purpose, because it is hard for someone to identify as asexual, so we use the term for lack of a better "diagnosis". It makes a lot clear in our conversations and makes it easier for the both of us to talk about our differences in what we desire.

I agree that it is not to be viewed as a disorder, since it is not something that can or needs to be fixed. However, if a sexual and an asexual decide to engage in a relationship, communication is the key and always should be. Sometimes it is hard to do, but until now it has been worthwhile for me.

Good luck to all of you (re)discovering your partner, whether that partner is sexual, asexual or anything in between.

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Barefoot_Bohemian

Hi there, newbie here! I'd say I'm here for two reasons. First and foremost because my best friend is asexual and I want to learn how to better support her. And secondly, because I'm fascinated by the human psyche and all it's variations. :D

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heathlyn

I am a sexual female. I am new here and I am in a very dark place about all of this. I have been with a man (somewhere on the asexual spectrum) for 4 and half years and I love him so much it hurts. However I dont know if I can live without that part of a relationship and at the same time I feel extremely shallow and selfish for saying that. What he gives me is way more important then what he doesnt but I am not only a sexual person but a VERY sexual person. I cry myself to sleep most nights longing for him to want me, for him to touch me. I really dont know what to do.

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Martin de V

This is going to sound like a silly question, but have you talked to him about it? Have you discussed the possibility of a compromise?

I'm in roughly the same boat, but apparently got a better boarding pass than you did. If there's something we can do to help, we will, though.

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Lady Girl

I am a sexual female. I am new here and I am in a very dark place about all of this. I have been with a man (somewhere on the asexual spectrum) for 4 and half years and I love him so much it hurts. However I dont know if I can live without that part of a relationship and at the same time I feel extremely shallow and selfish for saying that. What he gives me is way more important then what he doesnt but I am not only a sexual person but a VERY sexual person. I cry myself to sleep most nights longing for him to want me, for him to touch me. I really dont know what to do.

I can very much relate to some of these feelings. I understand what is going on in my relationship now...my husband has been pretty open with me about his feelings regarding love and sex. We have been working through it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am in a place now where I don't feel the frustration that I did, but there are other sexual partners here who continue to be unhappy about the sexual aspect of their relationship decades into the relationship. It is an individual thing and I hope you realize that you (or anybody else for that matter) are not shallow or selfish for expressing or acknowledging what your heart desires.

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peopleperson02

Hello everyone,

I'll try to make this as short as I can. My husband and I did not have sex until we were married. I was not a virgin when we met and I had already had 2 wonderful relationships (with men) that included great sex. My husband and I have known each other since I was 17 and he was 21. He was always a little "different" but I liked his corkyness. When we started dating I was 24 and he was 28. He was still a virgin. We talked about having sex when we got engaged, but he said that due to his religious beliefs, he would rather wait until our wedding night. I respected that. On our wedding night, we had sex that lasted a whole 5 minutes or so with no foreplay. When we were done, my new husband literally announced "We have consimated the marriage, we are now married in God's eyes." Then he kissed me good night, rolled over and was asleep in 2 minutes. I was shocked. WEll, it never got any better. We didn't have sex after that for over a month. I tried and tried to talk to my husband about it. I thought it was me, then him, then me again. Finally, after a few months of marriage, I told him that I would like to start a family. He was all for that and we actually had sex. Well, then it came to only having sex when I was ovulating. If we had sex when I wasn't ovulating, most of the time my husband could not keep an erection. When we did have the full sex, he would run out of the room right afterward and wash himself off. That made me feel so dirty. When I tried to tell him what I would like, he tried to help me have an orgasm with his hand. (this will make you laugh)- while he had his hands on my vagina and trying to stimulate my "spot", he stated "Huh, it's like trying to start up the tractor on a cold winters day."

Long story short.....my husband and I have been married for 17 years now. And we do have 4 wonderful children. (hey I got sex at least 4 times!) Our youngest is 8 now and I haven't had sex in more then 2 years. When we did have sex, it was the same old story. He may or may not be able to keep an erection, we're ALWAYS done in less then 5 minutes, and he's always jumping out of the bed and too the bathroom to wash off almost immediately. I've tried talking to him about it, but all he does is listen, then life goes on like nothing is wrong-like the subject never came up.

I have done a lot of crying and researching on the internet over the years and finally came across this site and it was like water hitting my face and waking me up to what is wrong. I've tried talking to my husband about this and even showed him the site, but he has no interest in reading any of the information nor doing anything about my unhappiness. It's just like the situation doesn't exist because it is not important to him. I'm finding that I'm resenting him more and more-not because he won't have sex, but because he won't acknowledge that there's a problem or that my feelings are very hurt. I'm sorry, but I think my husband is a very self centered, selfish man. Am I wrong about this? Am I the selfish one here?

I guess my question is,: Now that I've realized that this won't get any better, what now? I'm so lost at the moment. Very sad, very mad, very lost.

Thank you all for listening to this and I'm so glad that this site is here.

I am a sexual female. I am new here and I am in a very dark place about all of this. I have been with a man (somewhere on the asexual spectrum) for 4 and half years and I love him so much it hurts. However I dont know if I can live without that part of a relationship and at the same time I feel extremely shallow and selfish for saying that. What he gives me is way more important then what he doesnt but I am not only a sexual person but a VERY sexual person. I cry myself to sleep most nights longing for him to want me, for him to touch me. I really dont know what to do.

I can very much relate to some of these feelings. I understand what is going on in my relationship now...my husband has been pretty open with me about his feelings regarding love and sex. We have been working through it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am in a place now where I don't feel the frustration that I did, but there are other sexual partners here who continue to be unhappy about the sexual aspect of their relationship decades into the relationship. It is an individual thing and I hope you realize that you (or anybody else for that matter) are not shallow or selfish for expressing or acknowledging what your heart desires.

I know what you are feeling also. I hate to be the one to say this, but I don't think it will get any better sexually. I've been married for 17 years to an asexual husband and nothing has changed. I think you and I both need to decide if a sexless marriage is enough for us. Do we want most of the package, or do we want it all?? And, let me tell you, it gets a lot more difficult when kids come into the picture, because you love your kids so much, that you want to keep the family together-with their great fathers in their lives. I'm kind of concerned that my oldest son may be asexual also. I'm not saying that asexual is bad. I just wish I would of known about it sooner. I don't think I would of married my husband had I known about it 17 years ago.

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Lady Girl

I am a sexual female. I am new here and I am in a very dark place about all of this. I have been with a man (somewhere on the asexual spectrum) for 4 and half years and I love him so much it hurts. However I dont know if I can live without that part of a relationship and at the same time I feel extremely shallow and selfish for saying that. What he gives me is way more important then what he doesnt but I am not only a sexual person but a VERY sexual person. I cry myself to sleep most nights longing for him to want me, for him to touch me. I really dont know what to do.

I can very much relate to some of these feelings. I understand what is going on in my relationship now...my husband has been pretty open with me about his feelings regarding love and sex. We have been working through it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am in a place now where I don't feel the frustration that I did, but there are other sexual partners here who continue to be unhappy about the sexual aspect of their relationship decades into the relationship. It is an individual thing and I hope you realize that you (or anybody else for that matter) are not shallow or selfish for expressing or acknowledging what your heart desires.

I know what you are feeling also. I hate to be the one to say this, but I don't think it will get any better sexually. I've been married for 17 years to an asexual husband and nothing has changed. I think you and I both need to decide if a sexless marriage is enough for us. Do we want most of the package, or do we want it all?? And, let me tell you, it gets a lot more difficult when kids come into the picture, because you love your kids so much, that you want to keep the family together-with their great fathers in their lives. I'm kind of concerned that my oldest son may be asexual also. I'm not saying that asexual is bad. I just wish I would of known about it sooner. I don't think I would of married my husband had I known about it 17 years ago.

Hi peopleperson! I agree to a great extent...I don't think it gets better sexually, but it doesn't have to be sexless (I'm sorry it is nearly so for you, it seems my husband at times has made some valiant efforts in comparison). Anyway, I've been married for 27 years and we figured this out about two years ago. We don't have kids so that wasn't my reason for ultimately staying. We have tried the other options (split up, open the relationship) and neither worked for us. I have had many unhappy moments believe me, but my life without him as my partner is not something I want...I hope I would do it again even if I knew. He is the whole package for me, even if there's less sex than I prefer. I'm afraid I might be a "I know the grass isn't greener" person.

Every person has to decide what is right for them. I just wish there was something I could say to make others in this position feel better, but I don't think there is. I know how bad you feel, that's all I can really say.

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Lydian

Hello everyone,

I'll try to make this as short as I can. My husband and I did not have sex until we were married. I was not a virgin when we met and I had already had 2 wonderful relationships (with men) that included great sex. My husband and I have known each other since I was 17 and he was 21. He was always a little "different" but I liked his corkyness. When we started dating I was 24 and he was 28. He was still a virgin. We talked about having sex when we got engaged, but he said that due to his religious beliefs, he would rather wait until our wedding night. I respected that. On our wedding night, we had sex that lasted a whole 5 minutes or so with no foreplay. When we were done, my new husband literally announced "We have consimated the marriage, we are now married in God's eyes." Then he kissed me good night, rolled over and was asleep in 2 minutes. I was shocked. WEll, it never got any better. We didn't have sex after that for over a month. I tried and tried to talk to my husband about it. I thought it was me, then him, then me again. Finally, after a few months of marriage, I told him that I would like to start a family. He was all for that and we actually had sex. Well, then it came to only having sex when I was ovulating. If we had sex when I wasn't ovulating, most of the time my husband could not keep an erection. When we did have the full sex, he would run out of the room right afterward and wash himself off. That made me feel so dirty. When I tried to tell him what I would like, he tried to help me have an orgasm with his hand. (this will make you laugh)- while he had his hands on my vagina and trying to stimulate my "spot", he stated "Huh, it's like trying to start up the tractor on a cold winters day."

Long story short.....my husband and I have been married for 17 years now. And we do have 4 wonderful children. (hey I got sex at least 4 times!) Our youngest is 8 now and I haven't had sex in more then 2 years. When we did have sex, it was the same old story. He may or may not be able to keep an erection, we're ALWAYS done in less then 5 minutes, and he's always jumping out of the bed and too the bathroom to wash off almost immediately. I've tried talking to him about it, but all he does is listen, then life goes on like nothing is wrong-like the subject never came up.

I have done a lot of crying and researching on the internet over the years and finally came across this site and it was like water hitting my face and waking me up to what is wrong. I've tried talking to my husband about this and even showed him the site, but he has no interest in reading any of the information nor doing anything about my unhappiness. It's just like the situation doesn't exist because it is not important to him. I'm finding that I'm resenting him more and more-not because he won't have sex, but because he won't acknowledge that there's a problem or that my feelings are very hurt. I'm sorry, but I think my husband is a very self centered, selfish man. Am I wrong about this? Am I the selfish one here?

I guess my question is,: Now that I've realized that this won't get any better, what now? I'm so lost at the moment. Very sad, very mad, very lost.

Thank you all for listening to this and I'm so glad that this site is here.

I'm asexual, but I would like to say that no, you're not wrong or selfish and in fact very much respect that you recognize that the reason you should be upset with him isn't simply lack of sex, but his lack of ability to face that there is a problem or work with you on it. I don't know if he simply assumes because he doesn't feel a need then everyone else feels the same but either way, to disregard what you've told him seems rather hurtful. All possible results aside, the fact he wont even talk to you about it or acknowledge that you are unhappy doesn't seem fair at all to me. I may be asexual, but I would never ignore my partner if they said they were unhappy and would probably be the first to leave if I felt they could be happier with someone else. I'm really sorry about your experience and I wish I could tell you how to make him listen or that things will get better. Just know that there are many other asexuals who are willing to listen to and work with their partners and even though we can't change our lack of attraction, I dislike the thought of anyone disrespecting their partners feelings no matter if they're asexual or sexual. People are people and deserve to be happy in their relationship and I'm really sorry you've found yourself in such a situation.

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honor is all

The frustration will be there for life, but even in the last few years, i've noticed that i have been able to cope a little better with it. For most of the day spent together it's not a problem and we really enjoy each other's company. But, the feeling of deprivation lingers and grows over time. Then, once a fortnight or so, it all surfaces and it has a very saddening effect on me. The best medicine to counter that i find is to go out for a run, take a long bath, or listen to romantic classical music at full volume.

I've recently joined AVEN to learn more about what asexuals think and feel, and find strategies to better cope with the lack of physical intimacy in my relationship. I need to make sure I can for the rest of my life, because marriage looms on the horizon. I feel calmer after spending some time here reading. happy.gif

Reading something like this -- and there are a lot of posts like this on AVEN -- makes me very sad. I know that there are people in a/s relationships who make it work, but it just sounds so painful and depressing... like you're in a prison of your own making, trapped and prevented from finding joy and satisfaction. I just want to grab people and scream "You don't have to do this! You can stay friends with your partner and also find a sexual relationship that satisfies you!"

"You don't have to do this! You can stay friends with your partner and also find a sexual relationship that satisfies you!" That makes two of us.

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