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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Apostle
On 8/28/2018 at 6:59 AM, anamikanon said:

 

 

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uhtred
On 8/28/2018 at 3:22 AM, Apostle said:

There's no smoke without fire. 'Nagging' as you put it is rarely attributed to men but I wonder why? Is it because men feel that they can never do anything right in their partner's eyes?

Nagging can be a sign that a lack of communication is going on as well and a sure sign that all is not well in a relationship. 

In this ever changing world of ours both sexes are sometimes struggling to discover the dynamics of a relationship. I well remember coming home after a 9 hour day at work and being handed the baby at the doorstep. That would be after helping to feed the poor chap at 3.0 am as a sharing partnership with my SO. As you can imagine, relationships can suffer and change under these circumstances and sometimes disintegrate. Words can be said that can forever linger in the mind and be used against the other partner in challenging occasions.

 

I'm not trying to denigrate women or men. It's the changing partnership dynamics that may be the cause of friction. Who knows?

 

I seem "nagging" as a way of saying that one's own priorities are more important than those of your partner. (reminding someone of something that they have legitimately forgotten is different - I see "nagging" as telling someone over and over to do something that they do not prioritize). 

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alibali
On 8/28/2018 at 11:22 AM, Apostle said:

Nagging can be a sign that a lack of communication is going on as well and a sure sign that all is not well in a relationship. 

In this ever changing world of ours both sexes are sometimes struggling to discover the dynamics of a relationship. I well remember coming home after a 9 hour day at work and being handed the baby at the doorstep. That would be after helping to feed the poor chap at 3.0 am as a sharing partnership with my SO.

Hmmmm....as the person who was the stay at home one I never felt guilty about the fact that I had an hour-long bath every evening and left him to it.  I felt guilty about my not wanting sex, even while I felt resentful about being expected to have it. I don't think my ex was bothered about the sharing of looking after the kids, except that he did bring it up as part of the compromises he expected, but that was more about my not desiring him, other than as a caring Dad. The two things are irrelevant to each other.

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Apostle
On 8/30/2018 at 3:52 PM, uhtred said:

 

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ryn2
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

It may also mean that the nagger is reiterating to the partner that they are the dominant personality or that they resent the fact that the partner is not showing enough personality to disagree with their point of view. 

The dominant partner doesn’t

normally have to nag because his/her/their word carries enough weight to get things accomplished the first time.

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Apostle
On 8/31/2018 at 11:07 AM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree there, as I agree with uhtred that nagging normally shows that the person being nagged is ignoring/tuning out/oblivious to the nagger’s needs.

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alibali

How about both are wrong. The nagger for needing to be in control whether it's because they are dominant or because they never feel listened to and the person being nagged for tuning out and prioritising their individuality over the relationship.

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ryn2

I guess I sympathize with the nagger because we’re all grownups and who actually wants to tell their partner to not leave laundry or dirty dishes all over the residence 500 times?  Living by the rule that “the person it bothers most needs to take care of it” only works if each partner is bothered by some things and not others.

 

But I suppose there may be a variety of types of nagging....

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alibali

I am a nagger. On the day the marital home was sold and we were near enough divorced I spent the last 30 minutes before the removers came pulling things out of cupboards that hadn't been used for years and the shed.  I hadn't lived in the house for 2.5 years at that point, and hadn't nagged him about anything for at least that length of time. The result was utter chaos, which because I was nearly divorced I managed to deal with patiently.

 

Perhaps the lack of contribution to chores or organisation on his part balanced the issues about sex on mine. I am far happier now I don't have anyone to nag (children excepted and I try not to, but it is completely different to what should be an equal partnership).

 

Which came first, the need of nagging or the lack of sex. I don't know. He didn't want me to leave. I was his rock and his organiser, but he treated me badly over the issues to do with sex, which then just bounced around as a lot of bad communication between both of us.  He is struggling with having to deal with life on his own. I am finally content with myself.  It can't be helped. Maybe he will find someone better.

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ryn2

Yeah, I’m sure some people can be overly controlling but what you are describing is the situation in my house in all areas I do not “police” in some manner.    It’s especially grating because my partner is often too time-crunched to help out because he’s been doing exactly these same chores (voluntarily, not as assigned) where he volunteers.

 

I know if/when we divorce I will have to do 100% of everything anyway so I do try to remind myself of that rather than nagging or dwelling.

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Apostle
On 8/31/2018 at 7:26 PM, alibali said:

 

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alibali
48 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Nagging has got nothing to do with sex, or the lack of it from either persons perspective. A nagger is someone who believes they are either not being listened to or are reinforcing their dominance over someone else. I see (mostly) women nagging their children for example about this or that, in full public view and quite often the same families in similar situations. This surely must be down to a lack of parenting skills. Nagging a partner falls along the same lines. Find a way around the obvious lack of communication by either talking about the problem or by going your own way. To me, nagging someone is a show of dissatisfaction with their own lifestyle, but continuing with this mode of anger, if you like, can only exacerbate the gulf between the nagger and the nagged and it doesn't solve anything.

 

I find it terribly sad to see someone nagged in public and to me it shows a complete lack of empathy. As educated humans we should be above that.

Asking someone to do something politely surely is fair enough.  My ex criticised my driving in public, called me an alcoholic in public, called me her indoors or the boss, in public.  I don't remember nagging him or the kids in public, although I am sure I asked or even told them not to do things....like run out in the road, or to put sweets back. At what point does it become nagging....I suppose....prefacing with I've told you a 100 times....I probably had!

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ryn2

What’s acceptable, then, @Apostle?  Just waiting for the partner (or child) to notice the chores need doing or the toys need picking up and hoping someday the partner/child will feel inspired to take care of what needs doing without being asked?

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Apostle
On 9/3/2018 at 1:54 PM, ryn2 said:

 

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ryn2

I can’t really speak to the effective parenting question as I have no kids.

 

For adults, though, getting divorced seems like an extreme solution to the issue of a partner who won’t share the chores without being asked repeatedly.

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Serran

I think there are different levels of nagging. My partner nags me and I do them at times. But, its friendly reminders of things we both know we should be doing but need a push to actually do. Whereas if you nag to the point your partner is getting annoyed, its going to be negative to the relationship. 

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Telecaster68
7 minutes ago, Serran said:

Whereas if you nag to the point your partner is getting annoyed, its going to be negative to the relationship. 

And the flipside of that is if you don't do your agreed chores to the point your partner is getting annoyed, it's going to be detrimental to the relationship.

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ryn2

Yeah, the frustrating thing for me is that it could all be avoided by either 1) doing one’s agreed chores proactively without waiting to be nagged or 2) apologizing for not having them done, setting new expectations (“I was just too tired this morning but I’ll do them tonight”), and then delivering on those expectations.

 

Everyone is different but I don’t know many naggers who are pleased when the opportunity to nag arises.

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uhtred
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, the frustrating thing for me is that it could all be avoided by either 1) doing one’s agreed chores proactively without waiting to be nagged or 2) apologizing for not having them done, setting new expectations (“I was just too tired this morning but I’ll do them tonight”), and then delivering on those expectations.

 

Everyone is different but I don’t know many naggers who are pleased when the opportunity to nag arises.

Sometimes it comes to agreeing on expectations - do both people have the same priorities? 

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Sweet Potato
7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

 

For adults, though, getting divorced seems like an extreme solution to the issue of a partner who won’t share the chores without being asked repeatedly.

not really.

option A: stay with a person who does not do their fair share of the work without being told, which puts the emotional baggage of running the household on you. leading to stress and anger.

option B: having exhausted all attempts to entice your partner to do their chores proactively you decide to free yourself of parenting an adult and get out of the unbalanced relationship. yes you are now responsible for all the household chores without help but really, its better than having to beg for the help Every Single Time.

I chose option B.  (yes there were other factors in my decision)

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ryn2

I can certainly see it as part of a bigger picture but if the rest of the relationship is good it still seems extreme to me.  Perhaps the general idea is more that if it’s a constant problem the rest of the relationship probably isn’t good?

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alibali

When you do all the chores that should have been shared, but only for yourself, they don't feel like chores. You can only get frustrated with yourself, not resentful.

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Serran
8 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

And the flipside of that is if you don't do your agreed chores to the point your partner is getting annoyed, it's going to be detrimental to the relationship.

True. Luckily, for my relationship its usually nagging each other to eat because we both hate eating and will skip it completely if not pushed. :lol: So not a chore that needs done. 

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Apostle
On 9/4/2018 at 8:47 PM, Serran said:

 

 

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Apostle
On 9/4/2018 at 8:29 PM, alibali said:

 

 

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ryn2
12 minutes ago, Apostle said:

When my SO decided to not have a sexual relationship with me anymore, I stopped doing a lot of chores, if not to balance up the relationship.

The difference here is that sex is something you wanted and liked.  Typically the chores are something neither partner wants nor likes... and yet a sad fact of adulting is that they need to get done anyway.

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Telecaster68

That gets into the degree of antipathy the asexual has towards sex. Is it just a thing they wouldn't think of, or something they actively repelled by. If the former, then having sex is more like a chore, and can be negotiated in those terms. 

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ryn2
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

That gets into the degree of antipathy the asexual has towards sex. Is it just a thing they wouldn't think of, or something they actively repelled by. If the former, then having sex is more like a chore, and can be negotiated in those terms. 

What I meant is that sex is a fun/good thing for one party and a chore for the other.  It’s not the same as things that are a chore for both.

 

Also, the other chores don’t “belong” to the ace partner... so you can’t trade the chore of having sex for the chore of putting your dishes in the dishwasher (unless you and the ace partner actually discuss and agree on that) because putting your dishes in the dishwasher isn’t a favor you do for/chore you’re taking over from the ace partner.  It’s just something an adult who makes dirty dishes should do.

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ryn2

E.g., “you won’t have sex with me so I won’t do the dishes for you” is only reasonable if you keep doing your own dishes and just stop doing mine... as “doing the dishes” for you is not “my” chore to begin with.

 

Or, if the arrangement in your household is “I’ll do the dishes if you do the laundry,” stopping doing the dishes because I’m no longer doing the laundry is reasonable.  Stopping because I’m not having sex is only reasonable if the arrangement was “I’ll do the dishes if you’ll have sex with me.”

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