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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Apostle
On 12/21/2017 at 11:43 PM, Mimesis said:

You can't really fake arousal. And you shouldn't even try, because it would make you and your partner unhappy. Dishonesty is never a good idea in a relationship. But as to the arousal itself, you cannot fake all the body signs: a woman's vagina enlarges and gets lubricated when a woman is aroused. The labia also gets enlarged, which is caused by all the blood that accumulates in the region (enough to make me light-headed if I'm standing). Your pupils become dilated,  your heartbeats become faster and your face and lips become flushed. One sign or another may be different. Some women don't get naturally lubricated, for example. But you cannot fake all these signs. If a person has sexual experience, he or she will know you're faking. Not to mention you may get hurt if your vagina doesn't adapt to the sexual act through arousal.

If you are a sexual man and are not particularly experienced (like all people starting out) then No, you would not spot these signs if the woman knows how to hide them. It is relatively easy to fake sex if you are a woman. Not so a man as it is obvious when he is aroused. The man, who may want to continue his relationship with the woman can then later (years) find out that she may be asexual. Happened to me.

 

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Telecaster68

To an extent. But more than that, I think it's virtually impossible for an asexual to fake real sexual desire convincingly. Something will be a bit 'off' - often it seems from posts on here that sexuals can't quite put their finger on it, but it's a kind of lack of hunger and not really quite 'getting' what partnered sex is about, and then it makes sense later when one or both partners figure out that asexuality is in the picture. That's pretty much what you'd expect really.

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alibali

If you are asexual and don't know It, you aren't really faking it are you. It's not really dishonest.  For 30+ years I thought only men got aroused and thought sex was something you did for your man and procreation.  I admit I also assumed and hoped it would drop off as we got older (pun intended and no it didn't). I had a mind altering conversation with a female friend who I knew wouldn't pull my leg.

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Telecaster68

You'll know you don't want sex, or at least don't care about it, but chances are you'll be trying to make yourself like you do, or act as though you had some enthusiasm for it, for your partner's sake or to convince yourself. That seems to be a frequent response asexuals report before they identify as asexuals. Since you're acting differently to how you feel, regardless of reason, you *are* faking it.  

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alibali
15 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

You'll know you don't want sex, or at least don't care about it, but chances are you'll be trying to make yourself like you do, or act as though you had some enthusiasm for it, for your partner's sake or to convince yourself. That seems to be a frequent response asexuals report before they identify as asexuals. Since you're acting differently to how you feel, regardless of reason, you *are* faking it.  

Ok fair enough but you dont really know you are faking it. After all what examples do you have in practice unless you happened on your parents or someone else mid orgasm. You have to discount anything you see in movies or whatever because they are faking it.

  

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Telecaster68

But you must be conscious what spontaneous, real physical expression of emotion feels like. Laughing or crying, for example, and that what you're doing when having sex isn't the same.

 

EDIT: so actually you thought everybody fakes it.

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alibali

You, well certainly I thought this is just what people do.

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alibali
8 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

But you must be conscious what spontaneous, real physical expression of emotion feels like. Laughing or crying, for example, and that what you're doing when having sex isn't the same.

 

EDIT: so actually you thought everybody fakes it.

No I thought women faked it.  Culturally I heard about men complaining that they didn't get enough, that women lie back and think of England etc etc etc....why would I not believe that if I didn't feel It?  Woman friends would say they loved their partners.  No woman friend ever said to me that they enjoyed sex until a friend bemoaned the menopause for reducing her sex drive. And I was over 50 by then.

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alibali

And counsellors certainly tried to find ways to help me relax and try and enjoy it. No talk about no desire.

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alibali

It was all a mystery to me.

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alibali

Still is, but I do know about myself now.

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alibali

So I do not agree that asexuals are dishonest in their relationships and how they pan out. It is far more complex than that.

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roland.o
1 minute ago, alibali said:

So I do not agree that asexuals are dishonest in their relationships and how they pan out. It is far more complex than that.

Would "not authentic" describe the situation better?

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Telecaster68

It is dishonest, but for an understandable reason - like saying 'no your arse doesn't look big in that dress'.

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alibali

So a white lie that you don't know you are making....!?!

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Telecaster68

If you're pretending to be more enthusiastic about something than you really are, is that a lie?

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GLRDT
4 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You'll know you don't want sex, or at least don't care about it, but chances are you'll be trying to make yourself like you do, or act as though you had some enthusiasm for it, for your partner's sake or to convince yourself. That seems to be a frequent response asexuals report before they identify as asexuals. Since you're acting differently to how you feel, regardless of reason, you *are* faking it.  

I would argue that you are acting truthfully with how you think you feel going off all you know about yourself when it comes to sex which might not be much. I would say rather than faking it, I'd say you'd be more in denial and dishonest with yourself. But if you're being unconsciously dishonest with yourself there is no way you're purposely making a decision to be dishonest with some one else or faking it because you aren't even aware what the actual issue is. I mean it's one thing if you're repulsed and forcing yourself when there are clear signs you don't want it but if you're gray like me and didn't mind sex or it hurt and you thought ok well I just have to try something different to make it work because this is how it works when you're dating someone and there are no other options then it's not as clear what's wrong with the situation. I kept thinking oh I just have to find someone I'm sexually attracted to. Or oh it just hurts because I haven't done it enough. Or I'm not aroused enough before hand. Or this guy isn't good at touching me I have to find someone who is. Or.....and the list goes on. But I can tell you what wasn't on that list. Asexuality. I didn't know that was an option or a thing.

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Telecaster68

That makes sense. I suppose I was thinking of asexuals who in good faith and for the best of reasons I trying to fake it till they make, or who give every appearance of being into sex while they're doing it because they think everyone else is exaggerating their reactions too.

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GLRDT
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

That makes sense. I suppose I was thinking of asexuals who in good faith and for the best of reasons I trying to fake it till they make, or who give every appearance of being into sex while they're doing it because they think everyone else is exaggerating their reactions too.

Oh. Ok! I misunderstood. 

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Browncoat10

Hi! I've read a few sexuals on this site say that sex is really important in a relationship. Like, sometimes it's not just a desire, it becomes a need to keep the relationship going, and a lack of it can make the sexual partner very unhappy. That's all fine, I get that. I was just wondering... would that apply to the same extent to a sexual partner who is a virgin? Can they miss something they haven't tried yet? Thanks in advance.

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Telecaster68
1 hour ago, Browncoat10 said:

would that apply to the same extent to a sexual partner who is a virgin? Can they miss something they haven't tried yet? Thanks in advance.

How weird. I was just thinking about that. 

 

I guess I wouldn't know what I was missing, so it wouldn't be as bad in that way, but I'd know I was missing something I really wanted.

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Browncoat10
45 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

How weird. I was just thinking about that. 

 

I guess I wouldn't know what I was missing, so it wouldn't be as bad in that way, but I'd know I was missing something I really wanted.

Great minds.

 

Thanks for the reply anyway!

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roland.o
2 hours ago, Browncoat10 said:

would that apply to the same extent to a sexual partner who is a virgin? Can they miss something they haven't tried yet?

A sexual partner who is a virgin would still feel that something is missing. You'd cuddle or kiss, and the sexual partner would wonder if there isn't more you could do. There would always be some body parts, some types of touches and caresses, off limits.

 

Whether or not that is to the same extent, I have no idea. But it's likely that a sexual partner will find ways to cross these limits, either with or without their official partner.

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HeyTay

I am a gray asexual with a question for sexual partners.

 

I have recently entered my first sexual relationship and my desire to be with my partner actually surprises me. I am very attracted to him and enjoy all aspects of our intimacy, but I have been unable to orgasm. I've read it can be harder for women, but I think I can get there after a bit of trial and error. He still seems really worried about it. He told me he thought it meant he was a bad partner. When we first started this, he would apologize when he finished before me and shrink away. Occasionally, he would hide his face or lock himself in the bathroom. I have trouble wrapping my brain around it.

 

I was wondering if any other couples have this issue with their sex positive ace partner not orgasming or even not wanting to (as I initially did not want to). Or any insights into some of his way of thinking that can help me in communicating with him? I know he is his own person with his own thoughts, but he doesn't seem too keen to elaborate further on this yet.

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Telecaster68

It sounds like it's a huge confidence issue for him, maybe not just about his ability to make you orgasm, but his general 'fitness' as a sexual partner, and if he won't talk about it, it must run fairly deep. You don't spell it out, but I assume he's sexual, and for most sexuals, giving our partner's pleasure, as a way of sharing our own experience is really, really important. From his perspective, you not orgasming is him failing to do that, so he's doing something very wrong, and maybe even thinking you're putting yourself through something you don't like purely for his benefit.

 

I think it's going to take a lot of patience on you part to convince him that you're fine and happy with the situation; the only problem could be that he'd rather run away and hide than take the time to experiment with you. In my experience, all sexual relationships, regardless of orientation, take some time to figure out what each partner enjoys and will get them to orgasm, some longer than others. It might be that with you being grey/demi, it's going to be a slower process than he's experienced before. With a bit more confidence from him that you're fine with this, this process could be fun and increase your levels of intimacy, so really it's about reassuring him that you're fine and enjoying yourself even without orgasm (and you're right, this is the case for a lot of people, especially women). If he's not convinced by your words, then maybe really showing how much you're getting out of it, by heightening your own obvious responses can help - not to the extent of lying, but when there is something you're really enjoying, lay it on thick verbally, aurally, and with how he can see you reacting.

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HeyTay

Thank you so much for your insights, Telecaster68 :)

 

Yes, it was quite obvious from the first time we hung out that he is sexual. The moment I realized that he was flirting, I told him straight up that I wasn’t sure I could have or would want a physical relationship at all. Somehow, we made a safe space and it has all developed this way. 0.o It was very confusing at first, but I am happy that we are in this kind of relationship.

 

21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

You don't spell it out, but I assume he's sexual, and for most sexuals, giving our partner's pleasure, as a way of sharing our own experience is really, really important. From his perspective, you not orgasming is him failing to do that, so he's doing something very wrong, and maybe even thinking you're putting yourself through something you don't like purely for his benefit.

I was wondering if this might be where his brain is going based off where he tends to trail off and clam up during conversation. I can admit there are times when I hesitate for probably longer than is normal during intimacy, because I don’t know what to do. I am certainly not without some tendencies (that I believe come from being demi/gray ace) that probably seem odd in an adult relationship. 

 

21 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

With a bit more confidence from him that you're fine with this, this process could be fun and increase your levels of intimacy, so really it's about reassuring him that you're fine and enjoying yourself even without orgasm (and you're right, this is the case for a lot of people, especially women). If he's not convinced by your words, then maybe really showing how much you're getting out of it, by heightening your own obvious responses can help - not to the extent of lying, but when there is something you're really enjoying, lay it on thick verbally, aurally, and with how he can see you reacting.

I will continue to communicate with him and reassure him. I... I am currently doing my best to let him know what I like and to figure out what he likes, but I really don’t know what I am doing half of the time. He went and made me fall head over heals for him and I have great difficulty expressing this. I have never loved anyone romantically before (emotionally or physically) and... if it is possible... I don’t want anyone else. All I can do is my best, right? 😄

 

One more question... Should I reccomend he read some asexual articles or even join the AVEN forum? I steered him away from this initially because I wanted him to listen to me, not make assumptions. Do you think it could be helpful? hurtful? 😬 Would he hate knowing that I have asked for advice on a forum? 😱

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Telecaster68

You sound like you're doing everything you can, and you both really want to make it work. 

 

Reading  AVEN might be useful to help him get his head round asexuality on its various forms, and see that it's a Thing. It takes most sexuals in mixed relationships time to understand that their partners work so differently to themselves and probably all their previous partners. But it's important that you two keep the main focus on yourselves - AVEN in general might seem to be saying something different to what works for you guys, then ignore AVEN! 

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MrDane

Faking is lying, but perhaps done with love. It can be in the same category as putting on enthusiasm about a silly boardgame when playing with your kids. You dont really care about the game. You care about the kid and wants to share a good, quality moment with them. No need to break their hearts by saying “look, kiddo! I dont care about this stupid game. I just want you to win and put the game away!” Sometimes you can even end up having a good time. 

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MrDane
On 17/1/2018 at 6:49 AM, HeyTay said:

I am a gray asexual with a question for sexual partners.

 

I have recently entered my first sexual relationship and my desire to be with my partner actually surprises me. I am very attracted to him and enjoy all aspects of our intimacy, but I have been unable to orgasm. I've read it can be harder for women, but I think I can get there after a bit of trial and error. He still seems really worried about it. He told me he thought it meant he was a bad partner. When we first started this, he would apologize when he finished before me and shrink away. Occasionally, he would hide his face or lock himself in the bathroom. I have trouble wrapping my brain around it.

 

I was wondering if any other couples have this issue with their sex positive ace partner not orgasming or even not wanting to (as I initially did not want to). Or any insights into some of his way of thinking that can help me in communicating with him? I know he is his own person with his own thoughts, but he doesn't seem too keen to elaborate further on this yet.

I think, some levels of orgasm can only be reached while the brain is also desiring it. Therefore the orgasm will not be so cosmically fanfuckintastic to an asexual, because then it would be more easy to want it again and then you wouldnt be asexual. I would recommend you two, to keep working on giving you a nice, little ‘mmmm, yes!’-orgasm.  I think that if you are talking about his penis shrinking, then you are forgetting other options to make you come.

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Serran

@HeyTay,

 

You say he apologizes if he finishes before you... does that mean you're mostly trying penetrative sex? If so, I'd recommend having him try other things (hands, toys, etc) cause people with vaginas don't tend to orgasm well from PiV. And he probably feels as if he's failing you as a partner, when really you two just need to learn each other's bodies a bit. 

 

As for how to communicate with him, just reassure him that you enjoy your time together, regardless of the orgasm thing. 

 

TMI suggestions:

 



If you masturbate, you could try doing it in front of him, so he can study how you like things to be moved. Or, using his hand with yours over his to help guide him.

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