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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Apostle
33 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

 Stopping because I’m not having sex is only reasonable if the arrangement was “I’ll do the dishes if you’ll have sex with me.”

Not exactly consensual though, is it? 

A sexual demands consensual sex in a relationship (not talking about one night stands here), not trade off sex. I'd rather do the washing up than have sex for the sake of it. 

It seems to me that asexuals just cannot grasp this concept. whereby sexual activity (for a sexual, anyway) stimulates the brain and helps to form a closer relationship.

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, Apostle said:

It seems to me that asexuals just cannot grasp this concept. whereby sexual activity (for a sexual, anyway) stimulates the brain and helps to form a closer relationship.

I don’t think it’s a case of not grasping it, at least not for everyone.  It’s more that it’s a catch-22... sex helps strengthen the relationship for the sexual partner, but (often) only if it’s desired, wholly-enthusiastically-undertaken, non-chorelike sex.  The asexual partner can’t provide that type of sex.  Sex also doesn’t strengthen the relationship for the asexual partner (unless you count how the indirect benefit of the relationship’s being stronger from the sexual’s perspective might outweigh the cost of its being eroded from the asexual’s perspective).

 

16 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Not exactly consensual though, is it

A sexual demands consensual sex in a relationship (not talking about one night stands here), not trade off sex. 

Tradeoff sex is still consensual, assuming the trade is freely made (not sex in exchange for food where the person would otherwise starve, e.g.).

 

Regardless of whether or not there’s an official tradeoff made, the asexual partner is still not capable of delivering that desired, intrinsically-motivated sex whether the sexual demands it or not.

 

The discussion was more around whether sexuals are justified in withholding performance of other chores when asexuals withhold sex, though, not around the merits (or lack thereof) of tradeoff sex.

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alibali

I see willingness to have sex as being consensual even if it's not something an asexual would do unless their partner wanted to. Whether it's out of love or love and desire or compromise shouldn't matter. And if the sexual in the partnership wants the whole shebang....well desire is not something an asexual feels. Doesn't make it more or less consensual.

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uhtred
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t think it’s a case of not grasping it, at least not for everyone.  It’s more that it’s a catch-22... sex helps strengthen the relationship for the sexual partner, but (often) only if it’s desired, wholly-enthusiastically-undertaken, non-chorelike sex.  The asexual partner can’t provide that type of sex.  Sex also doesn’t strengthen the relationship for the asexual partner (unless you count how the indirect benefit of the relationship’s being stronger from the sexual’s perspective might outweigh the cost of its being eroded from the asexual’s perspective).

 

Tradeoff sex is still consensual, assuming the trade is freely made (not sex in exchange for food where the person would otherwise starve, e.g.).

 

Regardless of whether or not there’s an official tradeoff made, the asexual partner is still not capable of delivering that desired, intrinsically-motivated sex whether the sexual demands it or not.

 

The discussion was more around whether sexuals are justified in withholding performance of other chores when asexuals withhold sex, though, not around the merits (or lack thereof) of tradeoff sex.

This keeps getting back to the core problem - an asexual simply cannot provide what most sexuals need to be happy.  Some asexuals understand this, some do not. The sadddest cases are where the asexual is suffering through sexual acts that aren't really what the sexual wants anyway, and both are miserable. 

 

 

 

I agree that this is not a consent issue - consent isn't the same as enjoyment.  Someone may choose to have sex (eg consent) even if they don't enjoy the sex because they wish to do it for other reasons.  Non-consent indicates someone having sex that they don't want.  (as opposed to don't enjoy). Its sort of like the difference between work and slavery. Someone may not enjoy their job, but they choose to do it considering all of the consequences.  A slave has no choice. 

 

 

 

 

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ryn2
1 minute ago, uhtred said:

[...]an asexual simply cannot provide what most sexuals need to be happy.  Some asexuals understand this, some do not.

I’d rather see this worded as “cannot provide something that plays a key role in most sexuals’ happiness,” as it sounds like how essential it is to happiness varies from sexual to sexual.  That’s probably a contributor to why some asexuals don’t seem to understand.  The other contributor is likely that it just doesn’t make sense to them... like a person going on about how it’s impossible to live a happy life without chocolate will seem overly melodramatic to someone who doesn’t like chocolate to start with.

 

6 minutes ago, uhtred said:

The sadddest cases are where the asexual is suffering through sexual acts that aren't really what the sexual wants anyway, and both are miserable. 

I find this sad only when it’s accidental (as in never discussed).  If the couple has discussed it and decided that compromising on sex is worth it (for whatever reason), I don’t find that any sadder than other compromises.

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ryn2
9 minutes ago, uhtred said:

I agree that this is not a consent issue - consent isn't the same as enjoyment.  Someone may choose to have sex (eg consent) even if they don't enjoy the sex because they wish to do it for other reasons.  Non-consent indicates someone having sex that they don't want.  (as opposed to don't enjoy). Its sort of like the difference between work and slavery. Someone may not enjoy their job, but they choose to do it considering all of the consequences.  A slave has no choice. 

Agreed.  It’s not possible to demand enjoyment... but that doesn’t negate consent.

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MrDane

I, the sexual, appreciate the effort put into this, done out of love. I have moved from: I want her to want this. To: I dont want her to participate in something which she overall would rather not, since it brings her to much discomfort. I, kind of close my eyes to her phase of discomfort and do my best to bring her through that and accept that the journey has a goal for me, which is a lot less pleasing to me, as it isnt done with a heartfelt enthusiasm, than if it was a mutual give/take/share-project. I still benefit greatly, her on good days, when the stars are aligned and shit like that, benefits are less and less powerful and less important. I dont want her to do it,if it brings her misery. If she is mostly neutral, occasionally to okay to okay-nice to even rarely uh-nice about it. Then fine by me. 

My worry is, that it still takes a toll on her and that the agreement/consent needs to be renegotiated. I just feel like she is not showing me all of her cards. 

If she says ‘no’, then I will respect that. I just wont choose to live with a depression and in celibacy. 

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, MrDane said:

 

I, the sexual, appreciate the effort put into this, done out of love.

 

Me too.

 

I've moved myself to feeling like a permanent beggar, and being okay with that, grateful for a gift demonstrating love. It took a while, I think I had to set aside pride... accept a position of emotional vulnerability and trust him not to say something hurtful, to not make me feel ashamed. A lot of trust. I express gratitude.

 

@MrDane I hope your partner doesn't feel like she's enduring misery, I hope your conversation about it goes well, if/when you ask. Fingers crossed for you.

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MrDane
On 1/2/2019 at 3:58 AM, anisotropic said:

Me too.

 

I've moved myself to feeling like a permanent beggar, and being okay with that, grateful for a gift demonstrating love. It took a while, I think I had to set aside pride... accept a position of emotional vulnerability and trust him not to say something hurtful, to not make me feel ashamed. A lot of trust. I express gratitude.

 

@MrDane I hope your partner doesn't feel like she's enduring misery, I hope your conversation about it goes well, if/when you ask. Fingers crossed for you.

Yeah, I hear you! I want her to be happy and I want to be happy myself, and I wouldnt want to be a reoccuring cause of her feeling bad. I just think, that in a mixed relationship, it is often important to look at the bottom line. Are the numbers red? then the general outcome is not good. I think pride (or view of yourself) has a lot to do with this actually. We are on 15+ years on this, and it is still hard to grasp how difficult it is to deal with. 

 

No point in demanding enthusiasm. We have to be realistic. Asking like this: Which parts are you okay with? Which parts do you actually like? Which parts would you rather we didnt do? Are there things of the beforementioned which differ from time to time? Could we make a baseline for our intimacy? Which signs are we both sending out/receiving? Can I touch you like this? What if it happens while we are undressed? When you say ‘quickie’ is that to minimise the pain, the time before sleep or to agree on focus or to avoid to much caressing? Or is it just more fun? 

...and at the same time accept that being open/free isnt always that easy.

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HeyTay

I’m coming from the gray-asexual side of things, but a convo I had with my partner the other day had me wondering.

 

I sometimes feel disturbed by sex scenes in movies. My SO seems to think it is something I need to “get over and accept.” 😕 Have any sexuals had their asexual partners request they not watch sex scenes or expressed a discomfort with sex scenes? How do you feel about it?

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HeyTay
16 hours ago, MrDane said:

When you say ‘quickie’ is that to minimise the pain, the time before sleep or to agree on focus or to avoid to much caressing? Or is it just more fun? 

@MrDane

I’m gray ace, so it isn’t exactly the same.

 

When I specify “quickie,” it’s usually cause I want to do other things with the limited time I have with my partner. In the beginning, I did want to get it over with. So, I could see that being a thing. When I am feeling ace, we play would you rather do an activity (play a video game, etc) or have sex? For me, having two options says that he wants to spend time with me and it gives me a mental meter to know when I haven’t picked sex in a while. Lol

 

And renegotiating is awesome. That assurance that your partner is listening or that they will stop whenever you ask is always nice. It makes you feel safe in what could be a potentially uncomfortable situation ☺️ 

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Apostle
7 hours ago, HeyTay said:

 

When I specify “quickie,” it’s usually cause I want to do other things with the limited time I have with my partner. In the beginning, I did want to get it over with

I think many if not most asexuals of all differing levels want to get any sexual or intimate act over as quickly as possible. It's not in their chemical or physiological makeup so why waste time on something that is of no importance to them? Also, any sexual act, however small, will always be done out of love or devotion to the SO but not in desire.

It is as difficult for them as it is for the sexual to accept why the situation is there but as Mr Dane says, you both have to look at the numbers. If there are more red than green then the relationship will always be on rocky ground. 

 

 

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FayeM

Almost the same exact thing here. I have horrible health problems and not only does my meds bring down my sex drive but I have an auto immune disorder that causes the entry way to my vagina to tear super easily which leads to an excrutiating cyst that needs to be cut open and drained. So I have little desire to attempt sex. I feel so horribly for my partner. He has a really rough time. Especially since I used to be hyper sexual and when we were first dating he was extremely fit and has since gained weight and is attributing my lack of sex drive to that which is not the case at all. Its been hard. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to bring in another girl. He feels like hes cheating on me. He doesnt want to 'compromise' because he can always tell when I'm not into it. I just need some advice. 

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Telecaster68
Just now, FayeM said:

Almost the same exact thing here. I have horrible health problems and not only does my meds bring down my sex drive but I have an auto immune disorder that causes the entry way to my vagina to tear super easily which leads to an excrutiating cyst that needs to be cut open and drained. So I have little desire to attempt sex. I feel so horribly for my partner. He has a really rough time. Especially since I used to be hyper sexual and when we were first dating he was extremely fit and has since gained weight and is attributing my lack of sex drive to that which is not the case at all. Its been hard. I dont know what to do. He doesnt want to bring in another girl. He feels like hes cheating on me. He doesnt want to 'compromise' because he can always tell when I'm not into it. I just need some advice. 

Could you help him out with handjobs or something?

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
On 1/7/2019 at 5:25 PM, HeyTay said:

I’m coming from the gray-asexual side of things, but a convo I had with my partner the other day had me wondering.

 

I sometimes feel disturbed by sex scenes in movies. My SO seems to think it is something I need to “get over and accept.” 😕 Have any sexuals had their asexual partners request they not watch sex scenes or expressed a discomfort with sex scenes? How do you feel about it?

Well I know plenty of sexual people (myself included) who find most sex scenes in movies annoying and unnecessary. Sometimes even disgusting. It's very rarely they're handled artfully enough that I can enjoy watching them and feel they add to the film. Honestly I don't think it's anything to do with your orientation, some people enjoy them and some don't. Hotel Budapest was completely ruined for me by the gross and unnecessary sex scene near the start. My friend (also sexual, he was my partner at the time) ended up editing the scene out so we could watch the movie in peace haha.

 

You can't help it if you don't enjoy them, and for the most part I don't either so you're not alone :cake:

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Theoretically

I'm asexual and I'm kind of terrified of future relationships I might have because I have no idea how much sexual attraction matters to people in relationships or how often people normally expect to have sex and I don't want to force myself to have sex just to keep a relationship. I know this is probably a very case by case question, but how much does sexual attraction matter and how often do people expect to have sex with a partner?

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Telecaster68

Sexual attraction matters a lot - to most sexual people, it's as an important way of sharing, and bonding, and communicating with their partner as conversation, but far more visceral and intense. Sexuals who get withdrawn over the lack of sex aren't sulking, they're feeling hurt, rejected and distanced from a partner who doesn't share their desire for sex with them. It's most definitely not just about getting off - that's a fairly small part of it. A better way to frame the effect of not having sex in a relationship is like not having conversation. It's that important.

 

As to frequency: every couple is different, and frequency varies across time within the same couple depending on circumstances - there's no single 'correct' figure. However, according to the Kinsey Institute, which has collected data from thousands of couples over decades, the broadbrush frequency is that couples in their 20s tend to have sex 2-3 times a week, in their 30s it's 1-2 a week. 40s: 2-3 times a month, and then decreasing in the same kind of pattern, but most couples do have some kind of sex life for as long as they're able. Mostly, they'd still want to if they could though.

 

 

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Human0id

 

I don't want to read all the answers, but I have one short question. Does the penis no get up at all?

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roland.o
7 hours ago, Human0id said:

I don't want to read all the answers

Well, you could at least read the FAQ before posting that kind of question. "Arousal" is the second topic in the Overview:

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html

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Human0id

Okay, sorry

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MrDane
On 1/18/2019 at 10:02 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Sexual attraction matters a lot - to most sexual people, it's as an important way of sharing, and bonding, and communicating with their partner as conversation, but far more visceral and intense. Sexuals who get withdrawn over the lack of sex aren't sulking, they're feeling hurt, rejected and distanced from a partner who doesn't share their desire for sex with them. It's most definitely not just about getting off - that's a fairly small part of it. A better way to frame the effect of not having sex in a relationship is like not having conversation. It's that important.

 

As to frequency: every couple is different, and frequency varies across time within the same couple depending on circumstances - there's no single 'correct' figure. However, according to the Kinsey Institute, which has collected data from thousands of couples over decades, the broadbrush frequency is that couples in their 20s tend to have sex 2-3 times a week, in their 30s it's 1-2 a week. 40s: 2-3 times a month, and then decreasing in the same kind of pattern, but most couples do have some kind of sex life for as long as they're able. Mostly, they'd still want to if they could though.

 

 

Excactly, @Telecaster68 ! ...and we feel sad, when our best friend don’t want to play with us. Not That much or ever! 

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Apostle
On 1/18/2019 at 5:27 AM, Theoretically said:

I'm asexual and I'm kind of terrified of future relationships I might have because I have no idea how much sexual attraction matters to people in relationships or how often people normally expect to have sex and I don't want to force myself to have sex just to keep a relationship

Don't do it then. Find a compatible asexual partner.

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alibali

Most of our "relationships" are non sexual. The problems arise for asexuals who want a long term partner. I have decided to rely on friends for my needs for companionship but that is not enough for some. Even for myself it feels lonely to think that I will never find anyone who cares mostly about me because I can't be doing with a sexual relationship. It is lonely being asexual.

Edited by alibali

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Apostle
3 hours ago, alibali said:

Most of our "relationships" are non sexual. The problems arise for asexuals who want a long term partner. I have decided to rely on friends for my needs for companionship but that is not enough for some. Even for myself it feels lonely to think that I will never find anyone who cares mostly about me because I can't be doing with a sexual relationship. It is lonely being asexual.

Equally lonely being a sexual in a relationship with an asexual and possibly vice versa. 

First hand experience so asexuals are not unique in this position.

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alibali

I've experienced being lonely as an asexual in a relationship too. But when I say lonely I mean being completely alone, as opposed to feeling lonely. When I was married I was lonely but not alone. When our parents died for example we did set aside differences. It was the every day things...like sex or lack of it that led to the divorce not the underlying support for one another.

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nolanv
Posted (edited)

Why are people attracted to large butts? Sure, women like to see big muscles on men, but from what I have heard from many sexual men is that they don't like big muscles on women. The exception seems to be the glutes. Why?

Edited by nolanv

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
4 hours ago, nolanv said:

Why are people attracted to large butts? Sure, women like to see big muscles on men, but from what I have heard from many sexual men is that they don't like big muscles on women. The exception seems to be the glutes. Why?

It's not that black and white.  I, personally hate big muscles.  They intimidate me.  If we're talking purely physical, I'm attracted to men with long dark hair,  women with big boobs, and green eyes on any gender.

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Apostle
On 2/17/2019 at 6:04 PM, alibali said:

But when I say lonely I mean being completely alone, as opposed to feeling lonely.

As a sexual, I feel the same. It's no different.

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anisotrophic
On 3/19/2019 at 11:54 PM, nolanv said:

women like to see big muscles on men

No, men tend to overestimate how much muscle women are attracted to. I'm not sure how gay men are the same. I'm male-oriented... I'm generally more attracted to less body fat, I think within a wide range, but I've thought about it... I think it's that I like being able to feel muscles and tendons and bone beneath skin. Size of muscles doesn't matter.

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ryn2

Yeah, amongst my female friends there is a fairly wide range of body type preferences, both aesthetically and (where applicable) sexually.  Some do like big muscles on men, but others don’t... and I wouldn’t even generalize that - within any given body type - they all think bigger muscles are more attractive.

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