Jump to content
biggreenmonkey

The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

Recommended Posts

Telecaster68

It varies not just from person to person but the same person at different times, or in different relationships. A lot of AVEN is really about people trying to pin down an identity for themselves in terms of sexuality and gender, and that leads to looking for unchangeable constants understandably. It's when there just isn't a constant that applies under all situations that confusion arises.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2

Agreed.  I just meant it wasn’t always as intermingled/interdependent for non-aces as you describe its being for you personally.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle

It's actually quite depressing, isn't it? There are so many things that can go wrong is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

If I had my time again I would certainly not. I'm quite happy in my own skin and confident in my own abilities. Only illness or sudden death can bring you down. Enjoy life as it is given whilst you are able.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, Apostle said:

is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

Since the alternative is having nobody to share the good times and support you in the bad times, yes, absolutely it is.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
2 hours ago, Apostle said:

...is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

I think that varies from person to person too.  Some people are very independent and don’t derive much enjoyment - or, at least, not enough to offset the nuisance value - from sharing their lives and experiences with others, while other people are much happier having someone around.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

I share my life and experiences with my daughter, extended family and good friends. I have just had a hilarious, if cut short holiday with my best friend, who broke her foot whilst away. We had a great time till it all got a bit too tiring but supported each other. We chat every day. We just don't live together, spend all our time together or have sex with each other. There is more than one way to live.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
mcis
On 7/19/2018 at 12:44 AM, Apostle said:

is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

:) Maybe, but unfortunately only you can answer that. I find the lifelong adventure of learning about myself and my partner enticing enough.

 

Earlier Question: What is sex/sexual attraction like?

I'm going to add yet another point of data, but I'm probably not representative of the cis male population. I'm cis male, but am a bit closer to gray sexual. Attraction for me is physical AND emotional: I can be physically or emotionally attracted to someone, but couldn't imagine being physical with them without both. Physical attraction is quite sensorial (visual, olfactory, touch). But what is the physical sensation of being interested/aroused? It's a slight quickening of the heart rate, maybe flushing a bit, feeling the need to look away from the person otherwise I would stare, then I usually get a hold of myself and I can manage it all, then it's a desire to spend time with them / chat with them and learn about them, and under all this I may or may not be physically aroused for some period. I find it interesting to contrast this to appreciation of other men in a sort of "wow, that's a handsome guy - look at his jaw line... shoulders, .etc." kind of way, where I aesthetically appreciate them, but am repulsed (have no interest?) by the idea of being physical. But with a woman I can enjoy the thought or fantasy of being physical even though in actuality I could never do that without an emotional attraction/relationship. Those thoughts usually involve thinking about enjoying the feeling of various physical interactions like hugging, kissing, what it would be like to brush her hair aside, giving her a massage, etc.

 

I hope that helps in some small way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
On 7/18/2018 at 9:14 PM, Apostle said:

is it really worth the effort of forming a relationship?

As an extremely asocial person, I totally resonate with this. For me a relationship comes with sharing space and attention with another person. Something I don't do easily. For me, I have found that relationships happen. Sometimes you run into people who fit into your space seamlessly and remain there and get closer because they don't trip any wires that would require immediate eviction. lol. Then that ongoing functional contact needs a suitable name....

 

Usually friend works. Others have got very close and ended up as husbands or lovers...

 

That said, to me, the real headache is not in forming the relationship, but sustaining it. Given that I'm asocial, the relationship doesn't form at all if it is not in a manner acceptable to me. Sadly, we can't pickle people and they grow and change in different ways with time and then they start tripping my wires... I absolutely cannot stand things like complacency, disrespect, controlling behavior, taking either me or them or anyone for granted, etc in my personal space. To me, it is inferior thinking that creates problems that are not condusive to harmonious existence. And sadly, once men stop being on their best behavior, cultural conditioning is such that thoughtless words and actions in a moment of differences can often lead to me being very irritated.

 

This further creates problems when as a woman I should be appropriately awed and accommodating that the one with a penis has a strong opinion that must be the final truth... and when it doesn't happen if they lose their temper instead of discussing rationally.... it gets worse that I'm rarely intimidated short of actual physical danger and tend to look at them like they wet their pants inadvertently in losing their ability to coherently discuss something. And from there it goes downhill.

 

It may sound very man hating or at least man sneering of me, but the truth of it is that men are often raised with such godawful gender defaults, that even the ones who consciously attempt to act in a fair manner have a lot of primitive crap under the polish that starts coming out once the gloss of the novelty wears off. And I'm too eccentric and impatient to cater to random egos on the basis of possession of a Y-Chromosome.

 

Obviously, one foul mood won't end things, but I find that a lot of men aren't really equipped to deal with women who aren't awed if they exert authority.

 

This may sound like I'm very controlling or snobbish. Actually, snobbish, yes I suppose, but controlling, not at all. I'm extremely live and let live. As long as you don't try to override my autonomy over myself, I'm very, very easy and I accept a LOT of autonomy being exerted by my partner as well. If I were a man, I'd be the ideal spouse. But I'm not. And that is the rock where most of the ships of my relationships flounder with time.

 

Among the reasons I haven't ditched my ace is that he understands this and is impeccably compliant. He is an extremely independent person and is very respectful of my autonomy. He won't bow to me and will never expect me to do it either. Mutual respect. Negotiation. This is rare and precious enough that I don't mind not getting laid.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza

These are going to sound like human socialisation 101 type questions but I'm gonna ask anyway because I like clarity. Bear in mind this is all hypothetical, ideal situation type scenario.

 

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

 

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

 

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

 

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

 

Yes, these are inspired by the 'touching' comments on another thread.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
1 hour ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

These are going to sound like human socialisation 101 type questions but I'm gonna ask anyway because I like clarity. Bear in mind this is all hypothetical, ideal situation type scenario.

 

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

 

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

 

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

 

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

 

Yes, these are inspired by the 'touching' comments on another thread.

You may not necessarily meet someone who is obviously sexual (if you are) or asexual (if you are) as many asexuals don't always know who they are. If you are a sexual then the natural progression in intimacy terms is to discover each other sexually. However, the asexual may have feelings towards a sexual partner and have sex because of those feelings. 

 

It's all too complicated really. I suggest we all act asexually and let the human race die out. It takes a lot of effort to be sexually intimate for a lasting relationship and when the sexual finds out the partner is asexual or on the same spectrum, the sexual can feel betrayed.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

 

If you mean (in my case) would I want to engage in intimate behaviour with any straight female who wasn't actually objectionable, then the answer is no. They have to have something extra going on - for a lot of people (men especially) that's heavily based on looks, but for me I'm more concerned about wit and having some kind of mental connection. Looks aren't irrelevant (I hate the 'out of 10' rating, but for the sake of argument, anything over about a four is fine with me, and I'd rather have a smart, funny four than dull nine). That extra has to be pretty specific about how she and I relate too. It's never going to be close to objectively definable and it's different from relationship to relationship.  Someone else might find that person stupid or dull, and that's fine, as long as I find them smart and funny.

 

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

 

I'd have to know more than just gender, but for me, it's more that if there's nothing specifically to put me off (in terms of looks, values, situation) then I'm at least open to the relationship potentially going that way if we got to know each other better and there was still nothing to put me off, plus there was a strong positive pull towards her. In practice, that funnel filters out almost everybody pretty quickly, but the sexual element of being drawn to someone (or not) is part of the equation right from the start.

 

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

 

With the right person, it's very, very natural to the point of being irresistible. Holding back if they're clearly not interested, or the situation isn't right (like, one of you is in a relationship) can be really difficult.

 

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

 

It's not really about 'requirements'. It's not an exam. It's about whether there's a connection, and my experience is you can't really anticipate whether that happens with a checklist. But if there's no connection - which I guess you could see as a requirement not being met - I wouldn't think of doing intimate things with them. Thoughts of intimacy would be as a result of there being a connection.

 

As for knowing my orientation... I never had to think about it. From about 11, I was drawn to females physically, and never had any inclination towards males in remotely the same way.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

No/Yes. Depending on how "personally acceptable" is defined. If it includes feeling attracted to that person (which in my case can be tricky), then sure. But a generic attractive looking, pleasant behaving person? Nope. I wouldn't even feel tempted to talk to him. Sharp wit, extremely confident and independent nature, several areas of interest where they have in depth geeky knowledge, highly nuanced ethics.... I'd be interested in interacting. Would take a while for me to want to engage in intimate behavior with them even then.

 

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

No. There may be an age factor here. I was pretty horny when I was younger overall (yeah, I'm still hypersexual...) but also less discriminate. Sex itself was this new and exciting thing. Several decades, relationships and plenty of sex later, sex for the sake of sex no longer has the power to make me inconvenience myself with the people it comes attached to, and my asocial behavior now also extends to potential lovers unless they are really able to grab my admiration.

 

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

Yes/no. I am highly observant about human nature, so it is not possible I "slide" into something like this. However, with the right person who I am already attracted to, it can feel natural and pleasant and enjoyable. Regardless, it can't happen without awareness for me. 

 

Further, I am not able to understand any sexual "sliding" into sexual situations as though they aren't aware of sex at all, like aces. I think people who do it like to pretend that they didn't notice to avoid taking responsibility for their choices. But really, there is no such thing as tripping over a rug and landing in someone's vagina. Several very deliberate actions are a part of sexual progression.

 

6 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

I have never felt this. I don't even like being around people I like too much (asocial), so there really is no question of me tolerating someone I don't, let alone having sexual fantasies about them.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

But really, there is no such thing as tripping over a rug and landing in someone's vagina.

I know the topic is serious and I share a similar degree of skepticism over “it just happened” and “I couldn’t help myself” - everything is a choice - but I legit shot water out my nose on this one.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
10 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

These are going to sound like human socialisation 101 type questions but I'm gonna ask anyway because I like clarity. Bear in mind this is all hypothetical, ideal situation type scenario.

 

Is anyone, if they were of the required gender(s), sexuality and personally acceptable to you, a candidate for intimate behaviour (by which I mean kisses, cuddles, holding and I would guess for most people in this section, sex)? Is that what you would hope for?

 

Would intimacy be something you would think about before you knew the person (ie. you assume they're the correct gender but don't know anything else)? You could fantasise about it even in absence of knowledge?

 

Would it feel natural to you to progress to holding hands/kissing etc., to the point where you wouldn't even question it? Like a magnet drawing you in?

 

Conversely, how does it feel if someone does not meet your requirements, and you think of doing intimate things with them? Is that how you know your orientation?

 

Yes, these are inspired by the 'touching' comments on another thread.

as a sexual:

1) Depends on what you mean by "candidate".  If I were not in a relationship, then someone who met the various criteria would probably count as a "candidate" for sex in the sense that if things moved that direction I would continue (see below).  "Hope for" is also unclear.   Sex is fun so sure there would be some hope that things would move in that direction, but it is not a hope that outweighs other considerations.  

 

2) Fantasies and real desire are different.  I generally consider it rude to fantasize about sex with people I know  (because the fantasies might change how I would react to them in real life)   but I might fantasize about people I don't know well and with whom I have no intention of having sex.

 

3)  In terms of sexual interest, I could divide people into rough categories. 

 

a. People who, were the situation right, I would want to have sex with.  This includes people I fine particularly interesting / attractive.  This is a fairly small number. 

 

b.  People who if I knew better, might interest me sexually.  This is a very large number. I find a substantial percentage of women attractive.  In my case there are no men in this category.

 

c.  People who I would not want sex with under any reasonable conditions.  This is also a significant subset of people who I either find unattractive,  or whos personalities I find incompatible (which includes some physically attractive people), and since I'm straight, all men. 

 

 As far as progression: For me in a romantic situation, touch blends smoothly into sex. There is not "casual" touch with someone when I have a romantic involvement.  Love, romance, touch, sex  are all tied together in one bundle. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

I generally consider it rude to fantasize about sex with people I know  (because the fantasies might change how I would react to them in real life) 

Huh, I wonder if this is common courtesy.  I dreamed about having sex with former coworkers and never felt like it made dealing with them weird.  Same with fantasizing, way back when I daydreamed about sex with people I knew.

 

ETA:  two things facilitated my ace-y behavior... getting a personal smartphone, where I have private access to things I’d much rather fantasize over, and someone buying me a sex toy back in the embarrassing days when you had to go to a “men’s shop” with booths and peep shows to get them.  Prior to that I was much more partner-y. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Huh, I wonder if this is common courtesy.  I dreamed about having sex with former coworkers and never felt like it made dealing with them weird.  Same with fantasizing, way back when I daydreamed about sex with people I knew.

 

ETA:  two things facilitated my ace-y behavior... getting a personal smartphone, where I have private access to things I’d much rather fantasize over, and someone buying me a sex toy back in the embarrassing days when you had to go to a “men’s shop” with booths and peep shows to get them.  Prior to that I was much more partner-y. 

It probably varies by the person.  I'm just concerned that my fantasies could affect my feelings about people in real life.  This is especially important at work, where there are already enough potential problems with gender bias, with me having imagined a female coworker [redacted] me.  

 

This might be another allo / ace split.  As a sexual, sex comes associated with love, romance, and other strong emotional ties. Maybe for sexuals fantasies are more likely to distort relationships than for asexuals where there the fantasies are more likely to be purely physical (if I'm understanding correctly). 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
5 hours ago, uhtred said:

This might be another allo / ace split.  As a sexual, sex comes associated with love, romance, and other strong emotional ties. Maybe for sexuals fantasies are more likely to distort relationships than for asexuals where there the fantasies are more likely to be purely physical (if I'm understanding correctly). 

Yeah, I’m curious what the others think.

 

Do your fantasies include falling in love with people (during the fantasy)?

 

I wouldn’t think it would affect work any more than a crush would, but my perspective may be different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
On 8/8/2018 at 3:45 PM, anamikanon said:

As an extremely asocial person, I totally resonate with this. For me a relationship comes with sharing space and attention with another person. Something I don't do easily. For me, I have found that relationships happen. Sometimes you run into people who fit into your space seamlessly and remain there and get closer because they don't trip any wires that would require immediate eviction. lol. Then that ongoing functional contact needs a suitable name....

 

Usually friend works. Others have got very close and ended up as husbands or lovers...

 

That said, to me, the real headache is not in forming the relationship, but sustaining it. Given that I'm asocial, the relationship doesn't form at all if it is not in a manner acceptable to me. Sadly, we can't pickle people and they grow and change in different ways with time and then they start tripping my wires... I absolutely cannot stand things like complacency, disrespect, controlling behavior, taking either me or them or anyone for granted, etc in my personal space. To me, it is inferior thinking that creates problems that are not condusive to harmonious existence. And sadly, once men stop being on their best behavior, cultural conditioning is such that thoughtless words and actions in a moment of differences can often lead to me being very irritated.

 

This further creates problems when as a woman I should be appropriately awed and accommodating that the one with a penis has a strong opinion that must be the final truth... and when it doesn't happen if they lose their temper instead of discussing rationally.... it gets worse that I'm rarely intimidated short of actual physical danger and tend to look at them like they wet their pants inadvertently in losing their ability to coherently discuss something. And from there it goes downhill.

 

It may sound very man hating or at least man sneering of me, but the truth of it is that men are often raised with such godawful gender defaults, that even the ones who consciously attempt to act in a fair manner have a lot of primitive crap under the polish that starts coming out once the gloss of the novelty wears off. And I'm too eccentric and impatient to cater to random egos on the basis of possession of a Y-Chromosome.

 

Obviously, one foul mood won't end things, but I find that a lot of men aren't really equipped to deal with women who aren't awed if they exert authority.

 

This may sound like I'm very controlling or snobbish. Actually, snobbish, yes I suppose, but controlling, not at all. I'm extremely live and let live. As long as you don't try to override my autonomy over myself, I'm very, very easy and I accept a LOT of autonomy being exerted by my partner as well. If I were a man, I'd be the ideal spouse. But I'm not. And that is the rock where most of the ships of my relationships flounder with time.

 

Among the reasons I haven't ditched my ace is that he understands this and is impeccably compliant. He is an extremely independent person and is very respectful of my autonomy. He won't bow to me and will never expect me to do it either. Mutual respect. Negotiation. This is rare and precious enough that I don't mind not getting laid.

Do you think you may have been meeting the wrong sort of man?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
11 hours ago, uhtred said:

Love, romance, touch, sex  are all tied together in one bundle.

For the sexual, yes. Not for the asexual though or perhaps other grey areas.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
5 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Yeah, I’m curious what the others think.

 

Do your fantasies include falling in love with people (during the fantasy)?

 

I wouldn’t think it would affect work any more than a crush would, but my perspective may be different.

"Falling in love" is too strong but my occasional fantasies about people I know have involved sort of romantic situations - their attraction to me is a critical part of the fantasy.  (and this is why I avoid those fantasies).  Fantasies about made up people, people from movies etc, are generally all about sex which may not be at all romantic. 

 

A crush could also affect my behavior toward someone 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

Do you think you may have been meeting the wrong sort of man?

Normally I'd dismiss this but in this particular case its an interesting question. What @anamikanon describes is a common male behavior, but far from universal. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ryn2
36 minutes ago, uhtred said:

A crush could also affect my behavior toward someone 

Oh, agreed, but in my experience they happen whether they’re welcome or not and we just have to work around them.  I didn’t think a fantasy would be any different/worse.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
21 hours ago, Apostle said:

Do you think you may have been meeting the wrong sort of man?

It is possible. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
16 hours ago, uhtred said:

Normally I'd dismiss this but in this particular case its an interesting question. What @anamikanon describes is a common male behavior, but far from universal. 

It isn't universal. My ace is indeed one, and I do know several other men who are not like that. But then they aren't available for dating either for one reason or the other or I don't feel attracted to them or they don't feel attracted to me or ...

 

Also the chances of conflict and ego issues with a woman are drastically higher in a relationship than general acquaintances, so you end up kissing princes and they turn into frogs.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

Also the chances of conflict and ego issues with a woman are drastically higher in a relationship than general acquaintances, so you end up kissing princes and they turn into frogs.

I fear your conflict with men is specific and not a generalisation. Different cultures do mean of course that male dominance over females is specific to certain countries although not necessarily endemic. I remember in the UK when I was growing up that it was quite normal for men to wolf whistle at women in the streets. Virtually unheard of now as the culture has shifted.

It seems that you appear to be giving off signals to a specific type of man and maybe you may wish to address that?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
3 hours ago, Apostle said:

It seems that you appear to be giving off signals to a specific type of man and maybe you may wish to address that?

Nah. I don't give off signals to attract any specific type. If anything, my signals are strongly to stay away unless you can take women being extremely strong. I simply piss off most other than those who have either an extremely secure ego or very little of a need to control another. And usually because I act in ways that can seem too non-conforming - most people are able to take that better from a man than a woman and I don't particularly care what they think of my behavior as long as it doesn't harm them in any manner.

 

It is less about people intentionally being jerks and more about how they cope with strong women. For example, a strong woman can seem hot in the beginning of a relationship and drastically less hot if ten years in, she is the one to get into a project that consumes her time while the man is home from work at sane hours to spend time with the kids. An argument that she is busy and grateful that he's pulling more weight with the kids will wash less easily than if it were the husband doing it. If a man does this, it may not be desirable behavior, but it won't necessarily be unacceptably inappropriate. It is more about perceptions being shaped by conditioning than an intentional sexism.

 

I don't actually want to address that. I'm not particularly eager to increase the clutter of people in my life or eager to shoulder the less advantageous expectations from women. If he is a frog, so be it. I have partners because I want to have them, not because I need a man in my life at any cost, including accommodating things I find deeply unattractive.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Apostle
20 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Nah. I don't give off signals to attract any specific type. If anything, my signals are strongly to stay away unless you can take women being extremely strong. I simply piss off most other than those who have either an extremely secure ego or very little of a need to control another. And usually because I act in ways that can seem too non-conforming - most people are able to take that better from a man than a woman and I don't particularly care what they think of my behavior as long as it doesn't harm them in any manner.

 

It is less about people intentionally being jerks and more about how they cope with strong women. For example, a strong woman can seem hot in the beginning of a relationship and drastically less hot if ten years in, she is the one to get into a project that consumes her time while the man is home from work at sane hours to spend time with the kids. An argument that she is busy and grateful that he's pulling more weight with the kids will wash less easily than if it were the husband doing it. If a man does this, it may not be desirable behavior, but it won't necessarily be unacceptably inappropriate. It is more about perceptions being shaped by conditioning than an intentional sexism.

 

I don't actually want to address that. I'm not particularly eager to increase the clutter of people in my life or eager to shoulder the less advantageous expectations from women. If he is a frog, so be it. I have partners because I want to have them, not because I need a man in my life at any cost, including accommodating things I find deeply unattractive.

My take on life is that you should respect a partner (an in fact anyone) at all times, whether male or female. Those who don't are not educated enough.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred
On 8/25/2018 at 12:59 AM, anamikanon said:

It isn't universal. My ace is indeed one, and I do know several other men who are not like that. But then they aren't available for dating either for one reason or the other or I don't feel attracted to them or they don't feel attracted to me or ...

 

Also the chances of conflict and ego issues with a woman are drastically higher in a relationship than general acquaintances, so you end up kissing princes and they turn into frogs.

It may be that the things that cause "irrational" attraction for you aren't the same as the ones that make you happy.  This seems fairly common.  I've noticed that in hollywood romance movies the guy who is the "romantic" figure is often rather a jerk.  In the movie it all works out, but in real life, jerks get tiring really quickly. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon
1 hour ago, uhtred said:

It may be that the things that cause "irrational" attraction for you aren't the same as the ones that make you happy.  This seems fairly common.  I've noticed that in hollywood romance movies the guy who is the "romantic" figure is often rather a jerk.  In the movie it all works out, but in real life, jerks get tiring really quickly. 

I've generally been happy with all my partners and none is overtly a "jerk". I find that people simply take relationships for granted after the newness wears off. People and relationships change with time, and when differences emerge, I have found that the task of "maintaining" the compatibility often falls to the woman. This isn't only in my relationships. A couple begins with a certain understanding and commitment of time and attention. Eventually, other priorities start emerging as a part of living. Men overall appear to be less worried about checking back about switching time away from home and the relationship to other stuff. Women generally tend to check/consult/inform more. On the whole, women cope well with men arbitrarily moving time and attention away or their objections are culturally discounted "attention seeking" "melodramatic" "insecure" and the famous "hysterical". Conditioning, probably. Maybe some biological aptitude for adapting to priorities being overruled by circumstances (pregnancy, child rearing...).

 

I don't deal well (and don't want to learn to deal well) with being taken for granted or being expected to agree to something just because I'm in a relationship. I'm not interested in someone who loses interest in building what we have in common and simply assumes that any changes aren't a bother to me because we are in a relationship. To be with me, a partner must value what we have. And so must I. Always. Or I have better things to do. I suppose any man whose wife acts similar will feel similar. I simply mention the sex differences because there are significant patterns and the more distant a couple is, the more the chances are that the woman is left holding the space the man is sporadically interested in at convenience due to being responsible and present at home. It is a disadvantageous tendency of stagnating relationships, not a "men are jerks".

 

 

This really, really isn't about me not knowing what I want or unintentionally attracting wrong types and so on. It is me being less tolerant of differences that emerge with time, if the other partner is not attentive and interested and willing to work to resolve them MUTUALLY. See my posts here. Do you really think I am clueless about how attraction/compatibility/relationships work? For me, compatibility is the tip of the iceberg. 90% of the relationship is in the space you co-create and sustain. It isn't the compatibility part that is the problem, it is this 90% that deteriorates with time for most couples. For every couple that sustains strong communication and mutual respect long term, there are a hundred that simply fall into a pattern created long ago and have a relationship for little more reason than they decided to have one at some point. Many accept it as a part of life. I don't. If my relationship isn't one I'd choose today, I'll walk out, regardless of time spent in it. No sunk cost fallacy here.

 

I treasure my ace so much, in spite of us being very different people and even incompatible in many ways because he never ever takes me for granted and my choices and opinions always matter. As his do to me. So we can work as a team when issues come up, as opposed to one of us being left to cope. The 90% part of it is very strong. The 10% compatibility part, seriously is not that strong between us beyond core values. We are very different people, often with polar opposite issues that can clash. It is the commitment to treasuring what we have found with each other and ensuring that both are happy that keeps us addressing any problems that come up promptly. Other partners didn't. I dumped them. I'll dump this one too the day he thinks ensuring my happiness as I do his is not important. So far, not looking likely.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anamikanon

Reminds me of the reputation women have for "nagging" - if they felt heard and taken seriously the first time, they wouldn't need to repeat themselves, no? I don't nag. If I feel like I'm not heard, I move on.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...