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Rabger

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sexoholic
On 1/23/2005 at 1:31 AM, Rabger said:

*drags back up*

Come on people, I KNOW there are sexual partners in here!

I guess gender is no matter here. But I suppose that most common case is when a guy sexual, and girl asexual. Probably I thinking this way because my ex's were asexual and this was really frustrating me. Tbh I think that living separately is the most suitable way between them who "wants", and who "rejects"

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa
On 8/22/2018 at 4:13 PM, Apostle said:

You can't. Get over it, release your partner from his/her mental nightmare and find a new life for yourself.

I'm quoting this because it's aligned with my own opinions as an ace and because I wanted to move this discussion out of its stagnation.

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TurnedTurtle
On 11/10/2018 at 1:27 AM, Traveler40 said:

it’s tough when the realization hits,

Yeah, it is. 

 

All hope drains away....

 

But, there might also finally be some clarity and maybe some understanding.

 

A different kind of hope, perhaps?

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Juliace

For us it seems like the bottom line is either he doesn't get sex or I have to deal with his having other lovers. I've been trying to cope with the lovers situation for a couple years now and I don't know if I can adapt to it. I've really tried but still I feel a lot of negative things while he's with them. And I'm finding my thoughts go to resentful or angry places, which is not who I am or want to be. He also feels bad because he knows I'm not OK, but he refuses to live without them and without that kind of intimacy. I guess we have to find a way to end things, but we've been together for over 25 years and it's terrifying to let go. I guess if we can find a way to split amicably--he's sympathetic with my asexuality now that I finally figured it out--maybe we can stay "friends." But I'm not sure. How can he give up what we have after so long and after such intense commitment? It's hard to understand since I don't know how it feels to be in his position.

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, Juliace said:

I'm finding my thoughts go to resentful or angry places, which is not who I am or want to be.

This is precisely what a sexual feels when continuously rejected and neglected.

 

5 hours ago, Juliace said:

How can he give up what we have after so long and after such intense commitment?

This is precisely what a sexual wonders on the journey to resignation and acceptance.

 

5 hours ago, Juliace said:

It's hard to understand since I don't know how it feels to be in his position.

This is the bottom line for all parties actually. Empathy can be there, but when basic needs are so vastly different, it’s tough and unworkable many times.  Both parties need to come to the table of compromise and, more importantly, both parties must agree to the potential solutions.  

 

It’s ok to change your mind on what’s acceptable to you as things develop. Frankly, It’s no way to live in such unhappiness. Sometimes the best solution is letting go.

 

Based on previous posts, I see you at the table of compromise alone.  Therein lies the issue perhaps.

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Juliace

I KNOW! That's what's so sad: I know he has felt angry and resentful in the past, all those years when we weren't having (much or any) sex and I didn't know why and I tried and tried to change but couldn't. And he felt unwanted and feared I was interested in somebody else. I felt so helpless and sorry for that; so finding out about asexuality has been a huge relief in that regard. But now we are at an impasse again, where this time it's me who's feeling unable to manage my negative feelings. And he feels bad too, knowing that I feel bad. OK so yes it's bad--I have established that!

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uhtred
7 hours ago, Juliace said:

For us it seems like the bottom line is either he doesn't get sex or I have to deal with his having other lovers. I've been trying to cope with the lovers situation for a couple years now and I don't know if I can adapt to it. I've really tried but still I feel a lot of negative things while he's with them. And I'm finding my thoughts go to resentful or angry places, which is not who I am or want to be. He also feels bad because he knows I'm not OK, but he refuses to live without them and without that kind of intimacy. I guess we have to find a way to end things, but we've been together for over 25 years and it's terrifying to let go. I guess if we can find a way to split amicably--he's sympathetic with my asexuality now that I finally figured it out--maybe we can stay "friends." But I'm not sure. How can he give up what we have after so long and after such intense commitment? It's hard to understand since I don't know how it feels to be in his position.

I think you have to make the best decision you can giving the unchangeable realities. You can't enjoy sex.  He can't be happy without sex. 

 

One question - if you are considering ending things, is it worth seeing if it can work if he has other lovers?  Is it possible that could work?    I can't tell from your post, maybe you have already tried that and found it didn't work .

 

Its a miserable situation to be in for both of you.  I wish asexuality were discussed more so that people could recognize this sort of incompatibility early on in a relationship.  Certainly when my wife and I were married >30 years ago, I had no idea that some people just did not want / enjoy sex.  

 

 

 

 

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Juliace

It is a hard reality, @uhtred, but yes. And yes, he's been having relationships with others for a few years now and I find I'm not able to deal with it. I've been trying a long time but it's not working for me and I'm out of ideas. If I could flip a switch and turn off the feelings, I would do it. But I really wish we'd both known about asexuality back in the old days when we got together and got married. At that point I was still having sex mostly because I thought that was what I had to do to be normal. I enjoyed it sometimes and of course wanted to please my lovers who seemed to really want it! But at a certain point I started to dislike it and found it harder to pretend (which is what it would have taken at that point). So there began our troubles.

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uhtred
5 hours ago, Juliace said:

It is a hard reality, @uhtred, but yes. And yes, he's been having relationships with others for a few years now and I find I'm not able to deal with it. I've been trying a long time but it's not working for me and I'm out of ideas. If I could flip a switch and turn off the feelings, I would do it. But I really wish we'd both known about asexuality back in the old days when we got together and got married. At that point I was still having sex mostly because I thought that was what I had to do to be normal. I enjoyed it sometimes and of course wanted to please my lovers who seemed to really want it! But at a certain point I started to dislike it and found it harder to pretend (which is what it would have taken at that point). So there began our troubles.

You have my sympathy.   With asexuality so little discussed, its easy for this type of situation to happen, and its just misery for all concerned.  My wife and I are older, and her mother was very conservative and told her that sex was something women did *for* men, so she didn't see anything unusual about not wanting sex.  I had always heard that women like sex but only if they really love their partners.   I only learned about asexuality a few years ago, my wife still things her level of interest is typical.

 

I don't know what to suggest. I understand not being able to deal with his having other partners. I also understand his not wanting to live a sexless life. 

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elbee0622

Hey all.  I'm poking my head up here for this, my second post.

 

I'm in an almost 3 year relationship with my graysexual partner.  I'm megasexual (which is probably not a word, but it is now. ;)) and a ho.  I have never met a man who could keep up with me. 

 

My partner and I have had an open relationship from the beginning.  I have other flings, FWBs and fuckbois, but emotionally, I'm very monogamous.  Sex, for me, is both a physical requirement and an emotional love language.  I can satisfy the former pretty damn easily with other people.  The second, though..... that's where we run into problems.  A lot.  

 

When we first started dating, neither of us really understood that his 'low libido' was really graysexuality.  Eventually, I realized that his lack of desire was not due to him finding *me* gross, but because he just doesn't experience desire that way (or experience it often).  

 

We do practice other forms of intimacy - we're in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, for example, and kink and play have provided me with a lot of emotional satisfaction that sex otherwise would.  He does also - sometimes - engage in sexual activity with me that's non PIV.  PIV does happen, but it's really damn rare.  There are times when he enjoys giving me oral or other stimulation, but sometimes even touching me is too much.  Unsurprisingly, I hardly ever get to touch him.  And it hurts.

 

I'm starting to suspect, though, that he has a level of sex repulsion at times (tied in closely with his depression, which he has battled for years).  As much as I think I can handle the lower libido and lack of desire, actual repulsion?  Yeah, that might be a bridge too far for me.  My sexuality is a huge part of who I am - and oddly enough, it's one of the things he loves about me - and to have it be *repulsive* just hurts in a way that I can't absorb.  

 

Anyway, I think I've veered off the topic of this post.  😕  But I'm happy to answer questions from anybody.  

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