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Rabger

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sexoholic
On 1/23/2005 at 1:31 AM, Rabger said:

*drags back up*

Come on people, I KNOW there are sexual partners in here!

I guess gender is no matter here. But I suppose that most common case is when a guy sexual, and girl asexual. Probably I thinking this way because my ex's were asexual and this was really frustrating me. Tbh I think that living separately is the most suitable way between them who "wants", and who "rejects"

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa
On 8/22/2018 at 4:13 PM, Apostle said:

You can't. Get over it, release your partner from his/her mental nightmare and find a new life for yourself.

I'm quoting this because it's aligned with my own opinions as an ace and because I wanted to move this discussion out of its stagnation.

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TurnedTurtle
On 11/10/2018 at 1:27 AM, Traveler40 said:

it’s tough when the realization hits,

Yeah, it is. 

 

All hope drains away....

 

But, there might also finally be some clarity and maybe some understanding.

 

A different kind of hope, perhaps?

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Juliace

For us it seems like the bottom line is either he doesn't get sex or I have to deal with his having other lovers. I've been trying to cope with the lovers situation for a couple years now and I don't know if I can adapt to it. I've really tried but still I feel a lot of negative things while he's with them. And I'm finding my thoughts go to resentful or angry places, which is not who I am or want to be. He also feels bad because he knows I'm not OK, but he refuses to live without them and without that kind of intimacy. I guess we have to find a way to end things, but we've been together for over 25 years and it's terrifying to let go. I guess if we can find a way to split amicably--he's sympathetic with my asexuality now that I finally figured it out--maybe we can stay "friends." But I'm not sure. How can he give up what we have after so long and after such intense commitment? It's hard to understand since I don't know how it feels to be in his position.

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Traveler40
5 hours ago, Juliace said:

I'm finding my thoughts go to resentful or angry places, which is not who I am or want to be.

This is precisely what a sexual feels when continuously rejected and neglected.

 

5 hours ago, Juliace said:

How can he give up what we have after so long and after such intense commitment?

This is precisely what a sexual wonders on the journey to resignation and acceptance.

 

5 hours ago, Juliace said:

It's hard to understand since I don't know how it feels to be in his position.

This is the bottom line for all parties actually. Empathy can be there, but when basic needs are so vastly different, it’s tough and unworkable many times.  Both parties need to come to the table of compromise and, more importantly, both parties must agree to the potential solutions.  

 

It’s ok to change your mind on what’s acceptable to you as things develop. Frankly, It’s no way to live in such unhappiness. Sometimes the best solution is letting go.

 

Based on previous posts, I see you at the table of compromise alone.  Therein lies the issue perhaps.

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Juliace

I KNOW! That's what's so sad: I know he has felt angry and resentful in the past, all those years when we weren't having (much or any) sex and I didn't know why and I tried and tried to change but couldn't. And he felt unwanted and feared I was interested in somebody else. I felt so helpless and sorry for that; so finding out about asexuality has been a huge relief in that regard. But now we are at an impasse again, where this time it's me who's feeling unable to manage my negative feelings. And he feels bad too, knowing that I feel bad. OK so yes it's bad--I have established that!

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uhtred
7 hours ago, Juliace said:

For us it seems like the bottom line is either he doesn't get sex or I have to deal with his having other lovers. I've been trying to cope with the lovers situation for a couple years now and I don't know if I can adapt to it. I've really tried but still I feel a lot of negative things while he's with them. And I'm finding my thoughts go to resentful or angry places, which is not who I am or want to be. He also feels bad because he knows I'm not OK, but he refuses to live without them and without that kind of intimacy. I guess we have to find a way to end things, but we've been together for over 25 years and it's terrifying to let go. I guess if we can find a way to split amicably--he's sympathetic with my asexuality now that I finally figured it out--maybe we can stay "friends." But I'm not sure. How can he give up what we have after so long and after such intense commitment? It's hard to understand since I don't know how it feels to be in his position.

I think you have to make the best decision you can giving the unchangeable realities. You can't enjoy sex.  He can't be happy without sex. 

 

One question - if you are considering ending things, is it worth seeing if it can work if he has other lovers?  Is it possible that could work?    I can't tell from your post, maybe you have already tried that and found it didn't work .

 

Its a miserable situation to be in for both of you.  I wish asexuality were discussed more so that people could recognize this sort of incompatibility early on in a relationship.  Certainly when my wife and I were married >30 years ago, I had no idea that some people just did not want / enjoy sex.  

 

 

 

 

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Juliace

It is a hard reality, @uhtred, but yes. And yes, he's been having relationships with others for a few years now and I find I'm not able to deal with it. I've been trying a long time but it's not working for me and I'm out of ideas. If I could flip a switch and turn off the feelings, I would do it. But I really wish we'd both known about asexuality back in the old days when we got together and got married. At that point I was still having sex mostly because I thought that was what I had to do to be normal. I enjoyed it sometimes and of course wanted to please my lovers who seemed to really want it! But at a certain point I started to dislike it and found it harder to pretend (which is what it would have taken at that point). So there began our troubles.

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uhtred
5 hours ago, Juliace said:

It is a hard reality, @uhtred, but yes. And yes, he's been having relationships with others for a few years now and I find I'm not able to deal with it. I've been trying a long time but it's not working for me and I'm out of ideas. If I could flip a switch and turn off the feelings, I would do it. But I really wish we'd both known about asexuality back in the old days when we got together and got married. At that point I was still having sex mostly because I thought that was what I had to do to be normal. I enjoyed it sometimes and of course wanted to please my lovers who seemed to really want it! But at a certain point I started to dislike it and found it harder to pretend (which is what it would have taken at that point). So there began our troubles.

You have my sympathy.   With asexuality so little discussed, its easy for this type of situation to happen, and its just misery for all concerned.  My wife and I are older, and her mother was very conservative and told her that sex was something women did *for* men, so she didn't see anything unusual about not wanting sex.  I had always heard that women like sex but only if they really love their partners.   I only learned about asexuality a few years ago, my wife still things her level of interest is typical.

 

I don't know what to suggest. I understand not being able to deal with his having other partners. I also understand his not wanting to live a sexless life. 

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elbee0622

Hey all.  I'm poking my head up here for this, my second post.

 

I'm in an almost 3 year relationship with my graysexual partner.  I'm megasexual (which is probably not a word, but it is now. ;)) and a ho.  I have never met a man who could keep up with me. 

 

My partner and I have had an open relationship from the beginning.  I have other flings, FWBs and fuckbois, but emotionally, I'm very monogamous.  Sex, for me, is both a physical requirement and an emotional love language.  I can satisfy the former pretty damn easily with other people.  The second, though..... that's where we run into problems.  A lot.  

 

When we first started dating, neither of us really understood that his 'low libido' was really graysexuality.  Eventually, I realized that his lack of desire was not due to him finding *me* gross, but because he just doesn't experience desire that way (or experience it often).  

 

We do practice other forms of intimacy - we're in a 24/7 BDSM relationship, for example, and kink and play have provided me with a lot of emotional satisfaction that sex otherwise would.  He does also - sometimes - engage in sexual activity with me that's non PIV.  PIV does happen, but it's really damn rare.  There are times when he enjoys giving me oral or other stimulation, but sometimes even touching me is too much.  Unsurprisingly, I hardly ever get to touch him.  And it hurts.

 

I'm starting to suspect, though, that he has a level of sex repulsion at times (tied in closely with his depression, which he has battled for years).  As much as I think I can handle the lower libido and lack of desire, actual repulsion?  Yeah, that might be a bridge too far for me.  My sexuality is a huge part of who I am - and oddly enough, it's one of the things he loves about me - and to have it be *repulsive* just hurts in a way that I can't absorb.  

 

Anyway, I think I've veered off the topic of this post.  😕  But I'm happy to answer questions from anybody.  

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caduceusCrucified

Hey guys. I figured I'd pop in here for a bit because I'm a teenaged cis-het sexual white boy who just doesn't understand asexuality very well and very much wants to change that for his partner's sake.

(Slight NSFW)

 

My asexual partner and I have been dating for almost a year now (medium distance; we don't get to hang out often, but we talk over Skype every night), and it's been the single best year of my life. I love and respect them more than anyone else in the world, and they're worth more to me than any amount of sexual frustration they might cause me.

   We experimented with sex together several months into our relationship, and they seemed to enjoy it a lot. It was to the point where they would be asking me and looking forward to our tease/sex sessions, and for a little over a month I was really enjoying this dynamic between us. Their desire waxed and waned (sometimes for a week or two at a time) but always seemed to return in force. For some reason, however, this dried up over a very short period of time (I'd say two to three weeks), and this has left me kind of confused. I've been managing it pretty well for several months now (exercising to burn off sexual energy, giving up masturbation/porn, etc.) and have done my best not to push. When the topic has come up, they've always responded to me asking what happened with "I don't know", telling me it's not my fault and it's just part of who they are. I think I could  definitely be happy living in a sex-free relationship with them, as I've had a lot of practice at impulse control and have developed techniques to cool my jets when I need to. Recently, however, I've started having really sexual dreams nearly every night- sometimes featuring my partner, sometimes featuring others- and this is scaring me really badly (to the point where I'm almost afraid to fall asleep because I think I'm going to make an infidel of myself in my dreams). I seem to have much worse impulse control in my dreams and I'm terrified I'm somehow going to slip up in real life, or that this means that our relationship isn't sustainable long term. I don't really know what I'm coming here for, other than to tell this to someone and hopefully receive some advice/support. I love my partner, and I badly want to make this relationship work long term, but I'm worried my overactive libido will manifest somehow and ruin things between us.

 

Thanks for listening to a confused barely-adult rant,

 

Caduceus

 

 

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caduceusCrucified

Hey @elbee0622

 

Dunno if/when you're gonna read this, or if things are still going between you two (fingers crossed for the best!), but I just wanted to say thanks for sharing. I'm barely out of high school right now and in a committed relationship with my asexual partner, and managing my libido without pushing them has been really tough. It's good to know I'm not alone in having some difficulty in a mixed relationship. I hope the best for you both.

 

Regards,

 

Caduceus

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AceMissBehaving
3 minutes ago, caduceusCrucified said:

Hey guys. I figured I'd pop in here for a bit because I'm a teenaged cis-het sexual white boy who just doesn't understand asexuality very well and very much wants to change that for his partner's sake.

(Slight NSFW)

 

My asexual partner and I have been dating for almost a year now (medium distance; we don't get to hang out often, but we talk over Skype every night), and it's been the single best year of my life. I love and respect them more than anyone else in the world, and they're worth more to me than any amount of sexual frustration they might cause me.

   We experimented with sex together several months into our relationship, and they seemed to enjoy it a lot. It was to the point where they would be asking me and looking forward to our tease/sex sessions, and for a little over a month I was really enjoying this dynamic between us. Their desire waxed and waned (sometimes for a week or two at a time) but always seemed to return in force. For some reason, however, this dried up over a very short period of time (I'd say two to three weeks), and this has left me kind of confused. I've been managing it pretty well for several months now (exercising to burn off sexual energy, giving up masturbation/porn, etc.) and have done my best not to push. When the topic has come up, they've always responded to me asking what happened with "I don't know", telling me it's not my fault and it's just part of who they are. I think I could  definitely be happy living in a sex-free relationship with them, as I've had a lot of practice at impulse control and have developed techniques to cool my jets when I need to. Recently, however, I've started having really sexual dreams nearly every night- sometimes featuring my partner, sometimes featuring others- and this is scaring me really badly (to the point where I'm almost afraid to fall asleep because I think I'm going to make an infidel of myself in my dreams). I seem to have much worse impulse control in my dreams and I'm terrified I'm somehow going to slip up in real life, or that this means that our relationship isn't sustainable long term. I don't really know what I'm coming here for, other than to tell this to someone and hopefully receive some advice/support. I love my partner, and I badly want to make this relationship work long term, but I'm worried my overactive libido will manifest somehow and ruin things between us.

 

Thanks for listening to a confused barely-adult rant,

 

Caduceus

 

 

It’s fairly common for an asexual partner to be able to meet a sexual partners needs during the early limerence stage, and for that to dry up shortly after.

 

It’s also pretty normal for dreams to manifest that way if your libido isn’t being satisfied, the trick is finding a way to take care of those needs perhaps solo if need be.

 

Mixed relationships don’t typically get easier, but aren’t impossible.

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alibali

Someone made a very good point that we tend to assume that the way our bodies and minds work are the same. Understanding asexuality in the broad sense is no different from understanding that some people are homosexuals or don't feel like they were born into the wrong gender. And while asexuality is about sex, it doesn't mean they can't love.

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appleseedy

my dad once said to me "people give and receive love in different ways" wish he was still alive to talk about that with him.

 

alas. Just seemed like a good response. I hope i don't live out my life without another romantic relationship

i hope that who ever they turn out to be we can move beyond the sexual. 

I know now i am asexual and i will certainly talk about that to who ever they are.

Its kinda sad looking back at my relationships, i thought i was making them happy

responding to their advances and enjoying some sexual activities, putting up with others.

You might know someones sexuality but you won't know what that feels like, not till it's felt

 

In all those years it never crossed my mind that sexual attraction was a thing

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Whore*of*Mensa
5 hours ago, appleseedy said:

Its kinda sad looking back at my relationships, i thought i was making them happy

responding to their advances and enjoying some sexual activities, putting up with others.

It feels soul crushing, doesn't it?

I still can't quite believe that we weren't making them happy on some level. 

This forum really helps to understand sexual needs better, but at the same time I feel that people who are happy in their relationships don't post as much. So we hear more from people who are really struggling; the bad times rather than the good. Not everyone is...as sexual...Another thing I found out here is there's massive variation between people on this score, so there are bound to be people who are more compatible than others. 

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appleseedy

 

10 minutes ago, More*of*Wenceslas said:

It feels soul crushing, doesn't it?

 

I'm not sure how it feels now, i never spoke about it with my sexual partners. Its confusing

My head knows everyone is different but my heart forgets this simple truth

I just assumed everyone was like me getting by sexually

in a strange way sexual compatibility was my issue, i would realise i wasn't interested in them and figure out that they must be wrong for me,

silly appleseedy

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caduceusCrucified
7 hours ago, appleseedy said:

My head knows everyone is different but my heart forgets this simple truth

I'm feeling this on the other side. My head knows my partner and I are just fundamentally different in this way, but I keep finding myself rationalizing ways to "fix" them. I don't want to "fix" them. I love them just as they are.

 

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SusannaC

It does feel soul crushing as a sexual partner too.   I understand that we are fundamentally different; logically this makes sense to me. We love each other and are great friends & there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him, except, apparently, give up my sexuality.  It’s so very sad & frustrating at times- feeling mismatched in such a vital way.  
Maybe others don’t struggle internally as much, but I have.  And there have been times when I have thought that this situation is “crushing”. 

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Whore*of*Mensa
2 hours ago, SusannaC said:

It does feel soul crushing as a sexual partner too.   I understand that we are fundamentally different; logically this makes sense to me. We love each other and are great friends & there is nothing I wouldn’t do for him, except, apparently, give up my sexuality.  It’s so very sad & frustrating at times- feeling mismatched in such a vital way.  
Maybe others don’t struggle internally as much, but I have.  And there have been times when I have thought that this situation is “crushing”. 

I understand that, it does sound soul crushing too. I hope you know that I was not meaning to dismiss or diminish those experiences because I can see how painful it would be.

 

I was just commenting from my own viewpoint of thinking ‘have I unknowingly hurt every single person I was ever with?’ And joining a dating website and thinking ‘what’s the point of replying to anyone if I’ll only make them unhappy?’ 

It’s a different kind of soul crushing - a very lonely feeling for someone romantic.

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SusannaC

No offense taken at all!

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Uncle D

It's most definitely a "crushing" type of feeling, I can't even begin to describe the emptiness I feel most of the time.....part of this feeling intertwines with the depression and anxiety disorders that I have.....I love my wife dearly, but not being able to talk to her about my feelings, because that's a closed door....that hurts immensely, not being able to see her lovely body hurts, and that's another closed door.....and obviously there is little physical contact with the exception of an occasional smooch on the lips, an occasional hug, and hand holding.....we no longer sleep in the same room, in part due to my health, or at least that's the reason I give.....mainly, I had to get away from being treated as a stranger, and then being made to believe it's my fault.....I stay crazy...

Literally crazy.....there is no bandaid big enough to fix this type of mixed marriage....you will find folks in here that say it can be done, sure it can be done, we are doing it, but the cost of some "loves" is infinitely great......the pain is both emotional and physical....the only stopping point hasn't occurred yet, because I am in the here and now writing about this topic....lol

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Whore*of*Mensa

I would rather the pain of loneliness than hurting someone like that. 

 

But, believe me, loneliness is a physical pain, an emotional pain, like being a limb without a body, cut off from the blood supply..

 

 

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anisotrophic

Well... I don't feel crushed, because my partner does compromise a lot & I'm able to talk about how his lack of sexual attraction/desire affects me.

 

If one can communicate within the mismatched needs and experiences, and respect and love the other for the experiences they have (and on my end, I'm pretty over-the-top about checking in & thanking)... that makes an enormous difference.

 

Which is to say: if you are worried about causing suffering, you are probably a long way towards not causing the suffering you worry about.

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Whore*of*Mensa

@anisotrophic that’s so lovely to hear.

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william26

my wife and me we both are sexual. we do sex 3 4 times daily. 😏

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Andrion
On 8/23/2018 at 7:06 AM, Apostle said:

Yeah, how often do you have sex with her then? If your partner is asexual then she will not be doing this mutually.

Think about that.

WHAT?

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AceMissBehaving
On 12/30/2019 at 6:34 AM, william26 said:

my wife and me we both are sexual. we do sex 3 4 times daily. 😏

But have you maybe considered getting hobbies or reading a book?

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Skullery Maid
19 minutes ago, AceMissBehaving said:

But have you maybe considered getting hobbies or reading a book?

😂😂😂

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cupid69
On 1/4/2020 at 1:23 AM, Andrion said:

WHAT?

Asexuality is defined as 'the quality or characteristic of having no sexual feelings or desires'.

 

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