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Apostle

What do you do when your asexual partner doesn't recognise that they are just that and they don't even want to talk about it?

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MinervaRose

And if their partner can say 'I love you every bit as much, and being desired is emotionally necessary for me. I'd rather you desired me, but if you don't, I can get that from someone else without it affecting us'

There is no reason that anyone can say that definitively. When emotion is present in a relationship, it doesn't tend to stay in one discrete box.

But they can't say it definitely won't happen - there's quite a few posts on AVEN from asexuals saying their sexual partners have sex with other people and it appears to be working okay. These things can be managed, often, it appears.

A mixed relationship has to include box-managing anyway. Sexuals have to keep the 'sex' and 'love' boxes separate if they want to stay in the relationship, which takes constant mental effort. I'm sure asexuals box-manage too, though it seems to me from all the labelling and defining that AVEN posters love, they tend towards boxing emotions into discrete elements more anyhow.

When I seek sexual connection, speaking only for myself her, I don't seek a connection with the other person romantically, we have to like each other and be attracted to each other as a basic prerequisite for me, and be sexually compatible ^_^ . I've only done this once, and I might not do it again. And both my bf and I are happy that I did it, because now I have had experience and we as a couple can take it from there. Figuring out what works for the both of us. For me sex is not why I fell in love with my asexual bf, not why we've stayed together, and I can't see why it would make me leave. But having sexual relations with another sexual person allows me be to really connected with that side of myself. I talked with my bf about this how I compare it to the need to be with kindred spirits on other aspects of my person, like that I'm a woman, interested in movies and books etc. Me and this other man that I was with had the sexual aspect in common, we 'connected' on that level, and for me it felt like I got to freely express a part of who I am. As I'm still processing how I want to proceed, communicating with my bf, I have also felt shame that I have this sexual side to me, that I feel the need to express myself in that way. Dealing with that, how to best do that, and address the cultural overlays of me 'breaking' the social construct of monogamy and me as a woman being the sexually active one.

It is to me (us) a challenge, but as long as we can talk about everything, respect each other and be open to changes in opinions and feelings on how we handle the difference in sexual nature, we are very confident that we will find a way that works for us. I hope that you will too. I know for me when I was so insecure with my bf before he 'came out' as asexual, I needed to accept that he never means me any harm or to hurt me. And if I feel hurt, it's a matter of addressing why and communicate as to where we are 'missing' each other. And I have had to learn to see his love where it is, not where I would prefer it to be. We have a different love-language when it comes to the physical bit, but there is an abundance of love ^_^

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MinervaRose

Sorry, posted twice on accident :)

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Sally

What do you do when your asexual partner doesn't recognise that they are just that and they don't even want to talk about it?

You do what you do when anyone doesn't want to talk about something: after trying several times, you recognize that it's their right to not talk about something. What are you going to do, bully them to get them to talk?

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Tarfeather

Thanks. I guess one way to present it would be that she just can't be a 'good wife' in the sense of making me feel desired by desiring me herself, but she can be a 'good wife' by allowing me to feel desired by someone else.

I think one of the most difficult ways of showing love, is to let someone go, because you think that way they'll be happier.

My partner would do that for me, and that's ironically the primary reason I could not ever leave her.

My wife was kinda sexual till menopause - she liked sex but only as a physical thing, no emotional component at all. Then when she lost that at menopause, she became effectively asexual (though there are plenty here who'd argue that point). She's also very good at acting so she fits in so she 'gets' sexuality more than a lot of lifelong asexuals.

I watched a documentary on autism recently, and it was an eye opener to me in many ways. For one thing, it seems to me that asexuality is to sexuality, as is autism to sociality. There seems to be some "primitive hardwiring" missing, but it's still possible to replicate and "act" that part using other areas of the brain. To me it sounds like there's a very good chance your wife was asexual all along, but she was so good at "replacing" the sexual bit using other mechanisms in her brain, you just didn't notice until recently, when it was no longer possible for her to do so.

It's also complicated by our partners knowing that while they may not have any emotional associations with sex, sexuals (mostly) do. So if we have other partners, it may not trigger that visceral sexual jealousy but they'll be anxious we'll form a bind with them, and they probably have a point.

We definitely have a point. If sexual has a choice of being only with an asexual who can't offer full-hearted participation in physical/emotional sex, or starting an additional relationship with another sexual, that second relationship is definitely going to threaten the asexual.

No. The asexual is not "definitely" going to be threatened. Both in my and Minerva's case, the asexual partner seems to have full trust in the other, and not to feel threatened at all.

And as a poly person, I don't get all this "threat" talk anyway. Either you're one of those rare mono-amorous people. Then you won't fall for someone other than your partner anyway, case closed. Or if you do have that innate ability to love several people, what exactly is the problem with living it?

As I'm still processing how I want to proceed, communicating with my bf, I have also felt shame that I have this sexual side to me, that I feel the need to express myself in that way.

Ditto. And for me, as an unattractive, sexual "man" (at least in biology and sexuality), I honestly don't see a path out. My sexuality is not something I can express with my partner, but it is also not something I have any reliable way to express with anyone else. I'm neither attractive enough, nor willing to play the social "games" required for a man to convince a woman to have casual sex with him. I can't make the typical "exchange" of love, devotion and financial security in exchange for sex, because I already have a life partner. And when there's the very rare woman who likes me anyway, I don't want to "use" her for fulfilling my sexual pleasures. I want to show her that I love her for her, and want to engage in sexual activities only as a way of expressing my feelings, not as a way to meet my sexual desires. And it's hard, because those sexual desires are very strong, and I'm very desperate.

At the end, I'm giving up on sex, because there are more important things to me in this world than being happy, or even than living a life that is bearable.

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Guest

What do you do when your asexual partner doesn't recognise that they are just that and they don't even want to talk about it?

You do what you do when anyone doesn't want to talk about something: after trying several times, you recognize that it's their right to not talk about something. What are you going to do, bully them to get them to talk?

And then you stop making it about them, and concentrate on the responsibility and choice you do have, yourself - decide if you can bear letting it rest and make your peace with the situation as it is, or otherwise, leave the relationship. You don't need any admission, communication, or permission from the partner for that - and to realize that independence is immensely liberating, IMO.

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Telecaster68

Tar

You may be on to something. She's said something about feeling autistic in not understanding the emotions around sex herself, though I'm very very loath to start chucking the 'a' word around personally without a proper diagnosis. I know you're making a slightly different point though and in some ways it's the simplest explanation. Against that, is that she definitely wanted sex when she was younger - she's said so, and that's my experience too. It could be learned or mimicked behaviour I guess, but I think she's more self aware than that.

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Apostle

What do you do when your asexual partner doesn't recognise that they are just that and they don't even want to talk about it?

You do what you do when anyone doesn't want to talk about something: after trying several times, you recognize that it's their right to not talk about something. What are you going to do, bully them to get them to talk?

And then you stop making it about them, and concentrate on the responsibility and choice you do have, yourself - decide if you can bear letting it rest and make your peace with the situation as it is, or otherwise, leave the relationship. You don't need any admission, communication, or permission from the partner for that - and to realize that independence is immensely liberating, IMO.

You do what you do when anyone doesn't want to talk about something: after trying several times, you recognize that it's their right to not talk about something. What are you going to do, bully them to get them to talk?

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

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Guest

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage

to change the things I can change

and the wisdom

to tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

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Blondbeard

What do you do when your asexual partner doesn't recognise that they are just that and they don't even want to talk about it?

Split.

That's what you do.

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Sally

Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well

. . .

I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

Those are kind of pejorative things to say. If she didn't know there was such a thing as asexuality (as I didn't), she wasn't disguising it, and she wasn't trying to hide her true self. What she was likely doing was just the best she could: having sex that she knew you expected even though she didn't want it or enjoy it.

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MinervaRose

I know my bf had read about the term asexuality a long time ago, but he was afraid to go there, what it would mean. And as he is a romantic, when he decides he wanted a partner and met me, we both see now in retrospect that he "acted" sexually but he truly is an ace. Because he pushed the potential of asexuality far back in his mind, and because we did have sex he just put our challenges in that area down to aspects like insecurity etc. I don't feel like he has tricked me, I completely understand that he was afraid, this is an enormous process for him personally. At first I was afraid of what him being asexual would mean for me, for us. I took it personally, that it somehow was a rejection of me. I all of a sudden felt that he was a different person etc. I went through all of the emotions I could. I grieved the idea I used to have about who he and we were. Some hopes I had, I had to let go of. But we've moved past the initial emotional rollercoaster. And we are better now, because we are both our true selves. And we knew all along that we wanted to stay together and make it work. We are discussing options, trying things out, and are very hopeful that we can do this. Communication is key.

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Apostle

Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well

. . .

I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

Those are kind of pejorative things to say. If she didn't know there was such a thing as asexuality (as I didn't), she wasn't disguising it, and she wasn't trying to hide her true self. What she was likely doing was just the best she could: having sex that she knew you expected even though she didn't want it or enjoy it.

She's had 25 years to date to say something about her lack of sexual enjoyment. I'm sure most people would have at least communicated some information within that time frame. What's more, I gave her a choice. I stopped having infrequent sex (she had never initiated any type of sexual encounter in her life) after she said one night that she was bored with sex. I thought she may have been bored just with me but on reflection this does not appear to be the case. Also, don't forget I didn't know about asexuality either. It works both ways.

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Apostle

I know my bf had read about the term asexuality a long time ago, but he was afraid to go there, what it would mean. And as he is a romantic, when he decides he wanted a partner and met me, we both see now in retrospect that he "acted" sexually but he truly is an ace. Because he pushed the potential of asexuality far back in his mind, and because we did have sex he just put our challenges in that area down to aspects like insecurity etc. I don't feel like he has tricked me, I completely understand that he was afraid, this is an enormous process for him personally. At first I was afraid of what him being asexual would mean for me, for us. I took it personally, that it somehow was a rejection of me. I all of a sudden felt that he was a different person etc. I went through all of the emotions I could. I grieved the idea I used to have about who he and we were. Some hopes I had, I had to let go of. But we've moved past the initial emotional rollercoaster. And we are better now, because we are both our true selves. And we knew all along that we wanted to stay together and make it work. We are discussing options, trying things out, and are very hopeful that we can do this. Communication is key.

Absolutely spot on about communication.

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Apostle

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage

to change the things I can change

and the wisdom

to tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

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Blondebeard

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage

to change the things I can change

and the wisdom

to tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

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Anthracite_Impreza
Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Some people are monogamous, dude, they only want sex with their partner.

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Apostle

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change

the courage

to change the things I can change

and the wisdom

to tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Yeah, like A.I. says, its called commitment. Also, when you love someone, as soon as you wander then you lose trust and trust my friend, is what commitments are all about. If you had read some of the earlier threads then you would have realised that I had a young family to raise, coupled with a severely disabled child. Although it's extremely frustrating, raising my family was far more important than poor sex. It's just sheer bad luck. Sometimes, people lose their S.O. to early death or illness. Would you walk away from your S.O. if she/he was suddenly diagnosed with MS? I would consider them to be a coward if that is the case.

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Blondebeard

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot changethe courageto change the things I can changeand the wisdomto tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Yeah, like A.I. says, its called commitment. Also, when you love someone, as soon as you wander then you lose trust and trust my friend, is what commitments are all about. If you had read some of the earlier threads then you would have realised that I had a young family to raise, coupled with a severely disabled child. Although it's extremely frustrating, raising my family was far more important than poor sex. It's just sheer bad luck. Sometimes, people lose their S.O. to early death or illness. Would you walk away from your S.O. if she/he was suddenly diagnosed with MS? I would consider them to be a coward if that is the case.

I'm sorry if I looked judgeamental, specialy since I dont know the details of your story. But in my opinion commitment is related with reciprocity and with context. Would you be commited to monogamy if your partner tells you tomorrow she is lesbian? I think that you cam still be commited from a parent point of view, continue to support her and your kids, even ñive together if you want, but I dont see why should be that bad or considered not commited to express your sexuality with pther people since she is not of your same sexual orientation.

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Apostle

Doesn't it depend on the circumstances though? At the time of our problems I recognised my responsibilities as a parent as paramount as we had three children under the age of two, one severely disabled. As a Christian I couldn't let any selfishnesh in my own personal life get in the way of being a responsible parent and thus I stuck with the relationship I had with my wife. We are good friends now but nothing more than that. Having now thought through our pre-family relationship though I sort of realised that she was probably asexual all along but disguised it well and went along with the infrequent sex before we had children. I just thought she had a low libido at one stage but perhaps this was a smokescreen to hide her true self.

One thing I have now realised is that whilst many people say sex between partners is a small part of a relationship, they may not realise the importance of it for some.

As far as not talking about it, I think that is just rubbish. That is why wars occur..........no communication............... and it is communication that is always at the heart of any relationship.

If the partner chooses not to talk, then that's it - you just have to accept it. You can't make them, and it's their choice.

Seeing as you say you're a Christian, I suppose you're familiar with this saying:

God grant me the serenityto accept the things I cannot changethe courageto change the things I can changeand the wisdomto tell one from the other.

I found that tis is one of the best lessons there is in life, especially in terms of relationships and social situations, in general.

Isn't that what I have done though..........accepted my position, albeit reluctantly? I'm only talking about my position on this site because my wife cannot or does not want to and it's a bit of a mental release to do so. The only thing that makes it slightly easier is that I know I am not alone. I can tell you this much though: suppressing one's sexuality is damn difficult and the desire to communicate in a way that is most common is forever lost.

It's no wonder that less and less people are committing to relationships..........it's too time consuming in this day and age of media communication. Good luck to them I say.

Reading through the comments on various threads it is not difficult to determine how many asexual people are lonely though and very sad it is for us all.

Why dont you have sex with other people?

I can understand that she doesnt want sex, so you dont have sex with her. But she cant force you to live like an eunuchus and be celibate. I would never accept that if I was you. You could try to have sex with other people no matter if se likes it or not.

Yeah, like A.I. says, its called commitment. Also, when you love someone, as soon as you wander then you lose trust and trust my friend, is what commitments are all about. If you had read some of the earlier threads then you would have realised that I had a young family to raise, coupled with a severely disabled child. Although it's extremely frustrating, raising my family was far more important than poor sex. It's just sheer bad luck. Sometimes, people lose their S.O. to early death or illness. Would you walk away from your S.O. if she/he was suddenly diagnosed with MS? I would consider them to be a coward if that is the case.

I'm sorry if I looked judgeamental, specialy since I dont know the details of your story. But in my opinion commitment is related with reciprocity and with context. Would you be commited to monogamy if your partner tells you tomorrow she is lesbian? I think that you cam still be commited from a parent point of view, continue to support her and your kids, even ñive together if you want, but I dont see why should be that bad or considered not commited to express your sexuality with pther people since she is not of your same sexual orientation.

Well, in my case it doesn't really matter what sexual orientation she is. I'm already in a monogamous relationship so it doesn't make any difference. Don't get me wrong though...........I have been tempted on many occasions to wander but have always resisted due to my Christian upbringing. Besides, I've seen the damage done to children of wandering parents and I wouldn't want that for my kids. I don't want limited access or any other type of restriction to see MY kids in MY lifetime. Anyway, by the time you reach your sixties most men will have restricted access to sex anyway, unless they pay for it. It's just that my restrition came a little bit earlier. A bugger all the same.

BTW there seems to be a lot of hand wringing over the 'compromise' word. If you are the sexual and your partner is the asexual then YOU, in the majority of cases, are doing the compromising. Full stop.

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Lynn Quire

I've been Married to an Asexual for 26 years. We didn't know for years that's what he was, by then it was too late, we had 2 kids. We bought a fixer upper house immediately after the Wedding, so that was the 1st excuse, then we started our own Business, 15 hour Work Days, 2nd excuse. 5 years later, Sex maybe 5 times"forced on my part", 2 kids Amazingly. So, for the next 15 years I went through so many emotions, is he gay, is he cheating, does he see Prostitutes? I went through depression, I started drinking. It got bad for a few years. I snapped out of it.  Once the kids started driving and became independent, I told him I was done. He begged to help him understand why he's like that. I researched til I figured it out. He's Asexual, he agrees. It can't be fixed. I'm living with it for now. Lucky, I was responsible for my own orgasm before I met him, and I've only gotten better, so I'll be fine.  Besides the lack of  Sex, kissing, touching, holding hands, really any intimacy at all. We have a good relationship, we get along, no arguing. He works hard and I do what I want. I Travel.......... Alone, I've been all over the Country, I drive. I take several road trips a year, and he never says anything. He has his own hobbies that keep him busy. He's Happy. We've had sex maybe 3 times in 15-20 years. I just get lonely for attention, he gives me none. He wonders why I'm always planning my next trip........hmmmm

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Icebearpanda

My situation is that I just started dating an awesome asexual woman, who is younger than me and who has been upfront and open about her status, including the fact that she's very new to everything and not really sure how she identifies or exactly where on the asexuality spectrum she fits. I identify as bisexual and consider myself ethically non-monogamous. **Please Note because this happens in other places:I do not feel like educating anyone about how I live my life. Please keep your judgments to yourself and if you feel the need for more education I'm happy to provide links to books/articles/websites upon request so that you can educate yourself but I'm not going to engage in explanations**   I joined here because I don't know a lot about asexuality and wanted to inform myself (because that's my job, not my partner's) as well as find others who were maybe in similar situations. I find that I'm having to re-assess my defaults for how I approach dating and relationships (indicators of attraction, how to show affection, expectations/ideas about possible sex, to name a few). This is good in several ways, and very unsettling at the same time. I am very aware of the age difference and of the fact that she's still figuring things out. Which is fine, because I sure don't have relationships and my own identities all sorted out to a T either. This may evolve into a romantic relationship or maybe we'll just end up as friends, either of which is fine. What I do know is that I like talking to her, I like hearing her stories, I feel like I could be around her for hours on end (odd for my introvert self) and I am excited to spend time with her. 

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Lara Black

Hello, Icebearpanda, and welcome to AVEN.

This here is a good place to learn about many different kinds of asexuality and other people’s experience. Hope you find the answers you’re looking for.

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frednsa

i've been in a relationship like this for 5 decades plus.    soooooo tiring and frustrating.   if i had it all to do over, i'd have quit early, kids or no kids.  now i'm too old, although sexual and capable.   she "donates" from time to time but never enjoys it.   sometimes i think it's me, sometimes i realize it's her.    nice lady but so cold it hurts.  coping by virtue of her "donations" and staying "busy" on other things..........and focusing on her good traits.    BUT, as she ages she is becoming soooooo oldladyish.............just adds to the frustration.

what to do......what to do .........??

sorry to whine but 50+ years ............imagine, if you can

 

On 9/15/2016 at 11:06 AM, Telecaster68 said:

Sounds like it went about as well as you could expect.

I've mentioned it to my (now) asexual wife in roughly the same kind of way, but making it very, very hypothetical, and she said she wouldn't like it as she'd feel she failed in the relationship, so I left it there at that point. I've gently suggested to her (at another time entirely) that she seemed like she could be asexual to me, and she just said 'hmmmm'. I'm not sure whether that was agreement, apathy, or ignorance. She's always been vaguely involved in the LGBT+ movement so she must've come across the term, but how much she knows, I have no idea.

I'm not at all sure she'd greet it with the equanimity your partner did, sadly.

seems to me that the asexual HAS failed in relationship 101.  advanced courses are precluded by this lack of prerequisite.............sad...........sorry to be "negative"

 

On 2/22/2008 at 4:56 PM, zita said:

Hello!

I am in desperate need of some advice. I am married to an asexual, but he won't recognize it, I have hurted him trying to make him recognize it and to get help. In the meantime I need to do something about my needs. What do you do about it? Helping myself is not enough and I feel empty and lonely.

Any advice will help. Thank you!!

you can't fix this, zita.    as my ace wife puts it "some things can't be fixed".  that's all the reason she needs for not making any effort at compromise. 

 

Edited by AshenPhoenix
Merged Multiple posts

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Lynn Quire

I've been with my Asexual, In Denial Husband for 28 years. He started with ALL Excuses, then the blame game. He has made too many promises, I Can't Even Bring Back to my memory!  It's useless to even think about trying to change them, and why would you want to. You have to live with it or move on. That's where I am, the kids are grown, we have No similar Hobby's.. and nothing in common........ Really :/  But he's god to me and takes care of me. I stayed home raised our kids, did the books for our business, and 100% Ran the house. Now, my job is done, and it's decision time, he knows it, we talk about it. I'm 52 and Bored.  

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KevinJ

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

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Lara Black
40 minutes ago, KevinJ said:

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

Hello, Kevin, and welcome to AVEN.

Finding out such a thing can be quite a blow. Still, no one is forcing you to make any decisions right away.  You can research the matter (including reading the mixed couples' stories here), talk things through with your wife or start the commuication going if she's not yet comfortable with discussing it, and see how things go from here. 

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KevinJ

i guess thats why i am here, see where we go from here

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chair jockey
29 minutes ago, KevinJ said:

i guess thats why i am here, see where we go from here

Start with the fact that there cannot be a rulebook on getting along with other people in non-business situations, no matter what your relationship to them. This thread contains some great perspectives and a lot of very perceptive thinking about the various problems of mixed relationships, but everything in it is a description or analysis of someone's own experience or an observation on someone else's described experience as described. None of that can be used to derive general principles on proper conduct within a mixed relationship. The closest you can come to that is identify similarities to your own experience and be attentive to how your own experience still differs, then do a lot of hard thinking and if possible talking with your partner about it. Best of success to you.

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Apostle
On 5/1/2017 at 11:20 PM, KevinJ said:

I have only just found out my wife is asexual and wants nothing more to do with sex, i am probably the exact opposite of that, no idea what to do or where to go.

KevinJ. I've been married to my asexual wife for 32 years with no sex for 26 of those. I love my wife but I feel that I have made a big sacrifice and compromise in our marriage although for her I don't know as she won't talk about it. The lack of any physical contact (just in case she misconstrues that I want to have sex) is a big issue and also knowing that I will never touch or cuddle her is always on my mind.

If you think you can handle that for the rest of your life, then fine. Otherwise, I suggest you go your own way. I had three young children and I didn't want them to grow up not knowing their dad when this bombshell hit me. 

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