To Sexual Partners

[tragiclover]

On 1/8/2024 at 4:17 AM, AloneTogether said:

It strange to say I mourn for the loss of something I've never had, perhaps I mourn the loss of my idea of what my sex life would be.

You are not alone, many of us have also been there.

In my experience with this, it is actually mourning the death of someone who never existed. As a sexual person, part of falling in love with someone is tied to a mutual need for each other physically. Even when your life doesn't reflect it, there's still this hope that somehow, sometime, that level of your love will unfold and be beautiful. When it finally sinks in that the one you love cannot feel that way for you, never has and never will, it is an enormous loss. It feels very much like the one you love has died. And yet they are still there right next to you living and breathing. So you are in this deep mourning and you can't explain it to anyone. But it is very real.

A great deal of your story mirrors mine. Everything would be great if only. This is the only place I've been able to express what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if it helps or hurts more. But I keep coming back because at least in sharing with others I can confirm that what is feel is real.

[AloneTogether]

16 hours ago, tragiclover said:

A great deal of your story mirrors mine. Everything would be great if only. This is the only place I've been able to express what I'm feeling. I'm not sure if it helps or hurts more. But I keep coming back because at least in sharing with others I can confirm that what is feel is real.

While I’m sorry that you are going through this, I’m glad I’m not the only one. I’ve found it useful to find a group of people who have the same experience as I. 
 

I’ve never thought I was uniquely going through something no one else had ever gone through, but until I found this place I had never come across anyone in the same boat as I. 
 

reading around here, including some of your own posts, it is amazing how similar my experience is to those of others. It gives me strength to know I’m not alone. 

[Slotrog]

Hey everybody,

I wanted to ask if there are any good books on the topic of how to deal with an asexual partner.

 

My girlfriend told me that she is asexual and I don't know what's the best way to deal with it. I mean I know communication is the key. Nevertheless I wanted to ask if there are any good resources with good tipps on this topic.

 

I really love her and want to find the best solution for both of us.

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, Slotrog said:

Hey everybody,

I wanted to ask if there are any good books on the topic of how to deal with an asexual partner.

 

My girlfriend told me that she is asexual and I don't know what's the best way to deal with it. I mean I know communication is the key. Nevertheless I wanted to ask if there are any good resources with good tipps on this topic.

 

I really love her and want to find the best solution for both of us.

I strongly recommend Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski.

 

The book largely presumes that both people in a relationship want sex, but are maybe mismatched in how they approach it and expect it, and it is largely about how to get them on the same page about sex so that the mismatch between how two different people are desiring sex in their relationship is less of a source of conflict. So do not read it with the expectation that it will reveal a way for you to get sex the way you want it from your asexual partner.

 

But other than that presumption and frame about what to expect from the book, everything else in it will be very valuable as far as showing you, maybe both of you, how to de-escalate conflict and friction around your mismatch.

[HypersexualDatingADemiAce]

On 1/6/2024 at 3:57 PM, LonelyDude said:

It hurts because she is naturally such a warm, caring, wonderful woman. Something about me, about our marriage, just brings out the "other" side of her that the rest of the world never sees. I'm envious of the version of her that they get.

I would like to say, you have it twisted. What she shows the world is a mask she puts on because she probably trained herself to do so. I guarantee if you look into her childhood from a person that typically challenges her, you will find that same festering personality and that rage in childhood.

I have known the women who look the exact same as your wife. They are sweet as can be and seem like they would do anything for you.

But at home they take the mask off and you can see it in the way their children flinch when they knock over a cup of water.

Get out. Get your children out. Run as far as you can. Because she now knows that you're challenging her and she will only grow in anger.

 

Also. When you get out, you feel lighter. And then you will process. You have been surviving for years and after you finally stop being slashed by her every night, you will begin to heal. And like wounds, it will make your skin itch and it will ache and you will have breakdowns more so. Prepare for them. Make sure your children see you prepare. If they want to know why youre breathing changed, tell them how it helps. Have them participate in your coping because THEY will start to heal too. And unlike you, they wont have the words or the maturity for it. They will need heavy therapy and you should probably get some too. You seem to know what is ok to share with your kids, so I dont think you need those warnings. 

Do not go to a religious counselor. What you need is secular therapy. You need techniques other than "Pray and read the bible." The PTSD will be PHYSICAL. It is breaking out in a sweat because a youtuber sounds too much like your abuser. It is hallucinating her voice during your panic attacks. You need a scientific way we have proven how to calm the nervous system. Consider it us figuring out the buttons on the machine God created if you are worried. You CAN request non-medication methods as long as you show an earnest want to learn how to cope and you are not suicidal. Make sure your children are taught those methods of calming yourself and validate their sudden fear and outbursts. Be gentle. Show them that we can disagree without harming someone. 

I wish you all luck. My grandma was one of those people and my mother was just as awful in a different way and allowed me to be physically abused for many years. The betrayal will never stop aching I think. I wish my mother had finally gotten help before she passed away. Instead I watched my grandmother put unflattering photos in her daughter's rememberance, remove the one song my mother always wanted at her funeral, and make herself the sole victim of my mother's death. Your wife is never going to be a better person. She can only play pretend.

[Sailorman]

On 1/24/2005 at 4:02 PM, Guest new guy35 said:

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

my exact situation

[Traveler40]

On 9/12/2025 at 6:01 AM, Sailorman said:

my exact situation

Asexuals don’t fall on the “sexual desire bell curve” by definition. Sexually, you fall on different curves altogether. I understand you did not write those words.
 

Roll up your sleeves and dig into this section of the website.  It took me about two years to fully understand the sexual mismatch in my marriage and asexuality; Denial and hope are that seductive. 
 

You know what you live and how, but you may fail to have words for it or the deeper understanding with regard to your wife’s orientation. You are not alone.
 

Anyhow, don’t be afraid to engage. Also know that if dead posting from 2005, you will likely never get a response (from them). 

 

Welcome to AVEN and SPFA. 🍰