To Sexual Partners

[Guest]

Ceebs- I hope you two get to visit together soon. COVID has been rough on long distance. But, I do warn you... meeting will make the wanting to move 100x harder to wait for! Worth it though. 

[Ceebs]

@Serran Aha... yeah very well aware. Had that experience before in life, more than once, and it was damn hard even in relationships with connections that weren't as strong. My brain being obsessed with getting older and time moving along and all that makes it feel even more urgent. I am not a patient person. 🙃

 

But, things are happening. Slowly. So, grateful for that.

[Ceebs]

Coming back to this... lol I write interesting things in a state of non-sobriety. 😂 But I did want to comment on something you said, @Traveler40.

 

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

It’s the single most satisfying component of the relationship had with my lover: He sees me, loves me and accepts me fully for who I am. There’s no substitute for continual validation as part of your most significant relationships. 

Yep. That's a thing I've realised I've never had fully before. To varying degrees with different people in my life, sure, but not in that complete way. There hasn't been anyone before in any relationship capacity (familial, romantic, friendship) with whom I've openly shared every single aspect of who I am -- and without hesitation or fear, at that. I don't think I knew you could even do that with someone. There were always parts I held back for various reasons. And not having to do that is... well, it's lots of things. Foreign at first. But then other things, like freeing. Exhilarating? It's kind of crazy how much of a difference it can make to your life. And being able to ask for reassurance as much as you need to, whenever you need to, is such an important part of feeling secure. I also thought I would never actually be good for someone else in any major sort of way. Interesting to talk to, enjoyable company sometimes, helpful here and there maybe... sure okay, yeah. But my existence making a real difference in anybody's life? Nah. I will always maintain that being told I make someone feel safe is the best thing I could possibly hear. 'Safe' is such a huge and important concept in a relationship.

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, Ceebs. said:

There hasn't been anyone before in any relationship capacity (familial, romantic, friendship) with whom I've openly shared every single aspect of who I am -- and without hesitation or fear, at that. I don't think I knew you could even do that with someone. There were always parts I held back for various reasons.

This could potentially be a factor in why, the better/longer I know someone, the less I want to have sex with them, but at this point in life I’m tired of testing hypotheses so I may never know.

[Ceebs]

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

This could potentially be a factor in why, the better/longer I know someone, the less I want to have sex with them, but at this point in life I’m tired of testing hypotheses so I may never know.

How do you mean? Like the more personal stuff you know about them, the less attractive they are? Interesting. I mean if I learn a lot of off-putting stuff about someone I initially liked, then I'll for sure lose interest lol, but if we're talking like... intimate vulnerable things they don't readily share with other people? That's pretty much my deal, haha.

 

It goes back to being a kid, before sex had anything to do with anything. A yearning for emotional intimacy and being understood. I had some imaginary friends I'd tell stuff to that I couldn't tell to anyone real. And kind of an obsession with the concept of eventually finding a real best friend from whom I'd be inseparable. Being as close to someone as you possibly can, emotionally. Having a shared little world you've created together that only the two of you understand, full of weird dorky jokes and silliness (yes I am not-so-secretly partly still about six years old lol). Talking about absolutely everything and anything, including the painful and scary things. God I've wanted that so badly for as long as I can remember. 

 

The grown-up version just involves shagging too. 😂

[SusannaC]

47 minutes ago, Ceebs. said:

The grown-up version just involves shagging too. 😂

😂😂😂 

[Ceebs]

7 minutes ago, SusannaC said:

😂😂😂 

Pretty damn true tho. 😎

[ryn2]

2 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

How do you mean? Like the more personal stuff you know about them, the less attractive they are? Interesting.

I’m not quite sure.  I don’t personally associate sex with emotional connection (or at least never have) so although the interest in the former seems to fade out with the end of NRE I  still have (the rest of the) feelings for the person?  So where some (most?) folks would go “huh, the spark is gone, I guess this is over,” I don’t have a general desire to leave.  I just don’t want to have sex with them anymore.   Whatever appeal it had is gone.

 

When I first came here I thought I might be asexual and mistaking NRE for attraction but over time/listening to people that seems less and less plausible. Then for a while I thought freysexual fit but I see a fair number of people saying “that’s just a normal loss of interest after NRE - not all relationships work out”… so…

 

I think in my most recent situation I was basically never attracted to the person (whereas I always had been in prior relationships) but thought I could push through it.  I also figured since he had “performance issues” it was a good setup - he struggled to have sex but that was okay ‘cos I didn’t really want it with him anyway.  I see the flaw in the logic now but it made sense at the time.  

 

Anyway, no, not the same thing as “I thought they were hot ‘til I got to know them” in the “and realized I couldn’t stand them” sense. 

 

Ultimately, I dunno.  But now that I’m mostly done with menopause I have zero libido, which was definitely not true before, so the combo of just not bouncing back from the last relationship and that means it might just be best to hang up the “closed” sign.

 

3 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

A yearning for emotional intimacy and being understood.

This is where I think the issue is for me, maybe.  I didn’t have that.  I want to be safe and not known.  As a kid I wanted to step into the imaginary world and become not me, rather than build an imaginary world with someone.

 

I had to move some things around here and I’m sure when I post it will mean wonky font h**l.

[ryn2]

3 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Having a shared little world you've created together

I do miss this (or something similar) about past relationships, though - I miss having a shared base of experience and vocabulary, so I can mention something and not have it require a long explanation every time.

[Ceebs]

@ryn2 Oh ok, gotcha. I think I've seen you mention some of that stuff before, yeah. Definitely different than how it works for me, but your explanation makes sense.

 

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I do miss this (or something similar) about past relationships, though - I miss having a shared base of experience and vocabulary, so I can mention something and not have it require a long explanation every time.

We've got ummm... invented words and imaginary creatures and silly narratives about squirrels and octopuses... lobster speak, omelettes in centrifuges (don't ask), acronyms and abbreviations and oft-repeated phrases and jokes no one would get and... we're revolting, really.  It's great. I haven't had as much shared weirdness and nonsense since I was about 12 or 13, with the girl who was my best friend then. (Lol I love being able to ruin soften the Telecaster reputation. And there's not a damn thing he can do about it hahaha.) It's like being dorky kids.

 

Except you know, also the whole thing about shagging and filth. That's quite adult. 😂

 

And the serious conversations about heavy things. They're pretty adult, though not in the fun sexy way. But in the... important discussions way, the emotional intimacy and understanding way.

 

I want it all for the rest of ever.

 

(God I have no idea how I'm still awake after over a day and a half. I need to go the fuck to bed.)

[ryn2]

Yeah, for me it’s more about… shared experience over time - knowing the same people, being at/doing the same things, certainly some in-jokes and stuff but that’s not the main focus of it.  I can’t replace that and so far I just don’t feel like trying.

[ryn2]

Huh, interesting quote from a therapist (Dr. Orna Gulanik, who I think hosts a related program in the UK; I don’t have time to do any research about her so I have no idea how well-regarded she is or isn’t):

 

”Counterintuitive as it may sound, communication probably isn’t the problem.  People often construct this theory - that they’re struggling to communicate - but this is usually just a manifestation of underlying issues.  We create communication problems when we don’t want to hear or say what’s actually going on.”

[Ceebs]

I can see that being true in some cases, yeah. I imagine people's personalities often play a role in various ways. And their intentions. Desire to actually work things out. Etc.

 

In my last relationship, I think I got to believe I was somehow completely inept at communication. When you're almost never on the same page about anything and there's yelling and you're crying and literally begging someone to stop and to please understand, it looks like you've got some pretty damn serious communication issues. Communication had shit all to do with it, I now know. I could've been a couple's counsellor with a PhD in psychology and I couldn't have fixed that mess. (Although I might've had the insight to get the fuck out sooner... or, maybe not. Emotional attachments to people override rationality and logic a lot of the time, and certainly for me since I'm very emotionally-driven.)

 

I wouldn't say there was a communication problem with my ex-husband, either. There was nothing dramatic or abusive about the way we communicated at all, but there simply wasn't the underlying connection or the desire to... well, do much about the situation. Maybe more my fault than his since I'd just pretty much checked out of it feeling like a relationship. Although being generous to myself (that one is difficult! 😅), I don't know that 'fault' comes into it really. Just not the right people for a marriage.

 

God I like sleep. Sleep is bloody glorious. Now I need to extricate myself from the bed and caffeinate my brain cells...

[R66forM]

On 2/14/2022 at 9:59 AM, intheshadowoferos said:

i vote we pull our resources, rehab a cute mid century roadside motel with a restaurant space for a community kitchen, and a pool for Friday night Happy Hour poolside, and claim it as a space for sexually abandoned spouses to go and be alone together…. Could be like a timeshare

 

I am ready to invest.  The "be alone together" sounds worthwhile and maybe healthy.

[Jay S]

I am in London but I am so in! 

[Femmethem]

Hello, I have been reading through a bunch of these replies and posts and it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Here’s my backstory for context:  I met my current fiancé when I was with my ex but we were ethically non monogamous. My ex and I ended up splitting (over basically the same reason….) and I have been with my current partner for a little more than 5 years. When we first met things were EXTREMELY hot and heavy. I’m talking like couldn’t keep our hands off of eachother, multiple orgasms a day (often double digits for me) and lots of kissing with tongue, flirtation, sexual touching etc. my partner and I are both AFAB (assigned female at birth). I am the first long term relationship they have ever had. Prior to being with me they had not been with anyone longer than a couple of months. They had experimented and had sex with both men and women and they identified as gay when we met. They also identified as trans non-binary (and still do). We also developed a very intense BDSM dynamic that neither of us were expecting. They were the Dominant and I was the submissive. When it came down to sexual acts, they would use toys, their hands, and sometimes the strap on for me. They expressed at the time how much they enjoyed it and they would initiate it 9/10 times before I even had a chance too. This went on for about a year and a half. I had also never been with anyone of any gender that was able to make me have an orgasm, and they were able to do it the first time we ever tried, just with their hands. I was shocked and amazed and couldn’t get enough. Literally every single long term relationship of my adult life has been ended by me, because my partner is no longer interested in sex/romance. That holds true for all of the cismen I have dated, and all Of my same sex relationships. To get to the point, things cooled off over the years but it got to the point where I noticed that they weren’t initiating anymore, weren’t receptive to tongue kisses anymore, and just wanted to cuddle and have me rub their back basically. That’s all fine and well but I need a hell of a lot more than that to feel satisfied. After trying to talk about it over and over again, my partner told me last year that they think they are not only on the Ace spectrum but also Aromantic as well. They struggle with dysphoria and we’re on T for about 9 months before becoming too needle-phobic to continue. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve ended up crying fairly regularly privately and also while trying to talk to them about this. We’ve tried ethical non monogamy and I’ve had other sexual and romantic partners but they get jealous when I start having loving feelings for someone else. They have told me they’re mostly okay with me having sex with others, but that they get uncomfortable when it becomes romantic and feelings get involved. I love them dearly, and I do intend on marrying them, but I’m not sure how to navigate this at all. I can’t tell if there is something wrong with me (why I literally always end up with partners who are interested and passionate in the beginning and then go down to barely touching me at all, never kissing, etc). Or if there is something I’m doing wrong, or if my expectations and needs are unrealistic, etc. I just don’t know what to do. My partner also more recently has told me they think they are also on the autism spectrum and I asked them if they would please just manually stimulate me becuase I missed it so much and they said that the texture bothers them. They would always immediately wash their hands in the past but they had never told me before that they couldn’t stand to do it. We tried it once a couple of months ago with a glove, and it was okay, but not the same. And they are always telling me their hands hurt. And I get that, but mine do too and I still manage to rub on them almost every single night as we fall asleep because I know that’s one of their primary needs. So I put my heart into it. Last night we were talking and I became upset and started crying because this has been bothering me more and more and more and I can’t ignore it anymore. They basically told me that they enjoy doing things to me, they just never really have the “urge”. And that without the “urge” they don’t see the point, because it would be disengenuous. And I get that. I don’t want someone to have to force themselves to try and feel or express passion for me in a sexual or romantic way. I want it for real. But at the same time, they have been talking to guys on Grindr and have expressed a desire to go have random hookups with cismen so that they can manually stimulate them. I don’t understand why that wouldn’t make their hands hurt if manually stimulating me does…. But maybe I’m just being defensive. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to them about all of this anymore. Where is the line where I am honoring them at the expense of dishonoring myself? How can we both get what we need while still remaining together? I just don’t know what to do. Any replies are very welcome. Thanks for reading. Ps-my pronouns are they/them and my partners are they/he. 

[Femmethem]

On 2/15/2022 at 2:37 PM, Ceebs. said:

How do you mean? Like the more personal stuff you know about them, the less attractive they are? Interesting. I mean if I learn a lot of off-putting stuff about someone I initially liked, then I'll for sure lose interest lol, but if we're talking like... intimate vulnerable things they don't readily share with other people? That's pretty much my deal, haha.

 

It goes back to being a kid, before sex had anything to do with anything. A yearning for emotional intimacy and being understood. I had some imaginary friends I'd tell stuff to that I couldn't tell to anyone real. And kind of an obsession with the concept of eventually finding a real best friend from whom I'd be inseparable. Being as close to someone as you possibly can, emotionally. Having a shared little world you've created together that only the two of you understand, full of weird dorky jokes and silliness (yes I am not-so-secretly partly still about six years old lol). Talking about absolutely everything and anything, including the painful and scary things. God I've wanted that so badly for as long as I can remember. 

 

The grown-up version just involves shagging too. 😂

I relate to this so much. I’ve never had someone put it in these terms before but holy crap this really resonated with me. I also used to have imaginary friends I would confide in, and at one point I had myself convinced that my “soulmate” was out there, waiting for me, and was even able to communicate with me telepathically sometimes and that I was able to feel their presence even if they were on the other side of the world. I was pretty young at the time, probably less than 10. As I got older I learned to hide that I talked to imaginary friends so I wouldn’t talk to them out loud, but I did still talk to them in my head. I do feel like it’s important for contextual reasons to disclose that I am a survivor of pretty intense childhood abuse, so I think some of my need for emotional closeness and safety/comfort comes from not having that as a child. I’ve been in therapy for almost a year and have done some healing but it’s a long road. 

[Ceebs]

@Femmethem That makes sense, and I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I'm really glad you're in therapy, and you're right, it is a long road. But gotta start somewhere, so. I've been close to several people who've had some pretty fucked-up childhoods (a few friends, my partner) and I wouldn't wish that on anyone in a million years. My heart goes out to you.

 

I wouldn't say my childhood was outright abusive and I'm grateful for that for sure (maybe a bit more so in my late teens in a few ways, but that's... another story), but there was a lot of loneliness and not really being seen or heard for who I was and feeling very criticised at times. My imaginary world was definitely a way to fill in some needs that weren't being met.

[MyWifeIsAce]

Insecurities for Allo’s & the need to stay connected in special ways. 

 

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 decades and although we didn't always have the language to explain her asexuality we've been experiencing the same issues for years. Recently my wife and I came into full acceptance of her Ace orientation. That process is a whole other issue to discuss but in this post I wanted to validate and touch on the deep insecurity that an Allo may feel when partnered with an Ace. 

I'm sure the insecurities the parter of an Ace experiences are different in every unmatched relationship, however if it's anything like my experience, these feelings of insecurity and sometimes even questioning trust can be crippling at times - completely unwarranted but no doubt real. I've learned, and we communicate constantly about this and my need for reassurance and staying connected. I guess there are many ways that this can be addressed, communication is likely the most important of any, although actions and other ways of addressing insecurities are very helpful.

 

I know, when I first found out my partner was Ace and multiple times prior to this understanding, I would go crazy trying to figure out what was missing or what other experiences she might be having that were more important than the one we were sharing. As an Allo partnered to an Ace, I felt and often still question if everyone else is somehow equal or maybe even more important than I am to my Ace partner, and from personal experience that type of thinking can lead to some pretty detrimental thoughts and potential actions. 

 

If you are matched with an Ace, or an Allo with a partner of different orientation, I would just recommend to both of you that recognizing and helping these feelings are helpful, often these feelings are not justified but they are real and are part of the Allo's (at times crushing) reality.

 

Finally to all the Ace partners of Allos, who are out there working hard to keep our unwarranted insecurities in check, thank you for continuing to work hard to make these relationships function, grow, and be some of the craziest, fullest, and deeply loving relationships possible. 

 

Peace, love, security, and understanding for all. 

 

*(Cross-posted as a new subject to raise visibility and awareness, apologies but happy to find a more proper home for this).

[BetweenTheNotes]

On 3/7/2022 at 4:01 PM, Femmethem said:

 Last night we were talking and I became upset and started crying because this has been bothering me more and more and more and I can’t ignore it anymore. They basically told me that they enjoy doing things to me, they just never really have the “urge”. And that without the “urge” they don’t see the point, because it would be disengenuous. And I get that. I don’t want someone to have to force themselves to try and feel or express passion for me in a sexual or romantic way. I want it for real. But at the same time, they have been talking to guys on Grindr and have expressed a desire to go have random hookups with cismen so that they can manually stimulate them. I don’t understand why that wouldn’t make their hands hurt if manually stimulating me does…. But maybe I’m just being defensive. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say to them about all of this anymore. Where is the line where I am honoring them at the expense of dishonoring myself? How can we both get what we need while still remaining together? I just don’t know what to do. Any replies are very welcome. Thanks for reading. Ps-my pronouns are they/them and my partners are they/he. 

Hi, ace here partnered to an allo. Something stuck out to me in this which sounds familiar and I wanted to share. First you are not alone. Second, I think something important to remember is that everyone is different even on the ace spectrum, but many aces don't have this urge, and they might never have had it. They might have some new relationship energy in the beginning or they may be grey-ace or something - or they might be doing what they feel is expected and get burned out. Especially if they never realized they are ace at all. With an allo partner, the compromise they are going to make is to consensually do things with you for various reasons (because they love you, want to make you feel good physically, maybe it might even make them feel good physically) - but ace is in general not experiencing sexual attraction. If they are choosing to make an effort to do things, that itself is usually showing they care and want to be with you, if it's not pressured.

It's always really hard because this whole thing can feel like a rejection of sorts to both parties. The ace wants the allo to organically understand their needs and vice versa. The reality is an ace/allo relationship can't be organic when it comes to sex, both parties have to agree to make compromises. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that they don't want to be in, of course. But if you do want to stay, then usually both of you have to give in some form or another.

Sometimes that can feel hurtful, understandably, because people want to be accepted exactly how they are. However your partner being ace isn't about you just like you being allo isn't about them. I know that doesn't magically improve your situation but it can help to remember it isn't personal. Someone trying and making effort is another way of showing love, because it's showing they are trying to make it work even if they're not in the same exact place as you. I know you want them to show passion, but the thing is maybe they are, just not in the same language as you (sex) - maybe it's in another way. People have different ways of saying 'I love you.'

If you haven't read it, this resource is really helpful for allo partners, best of luck to you: https://www.reddit.com/r/Asexual/wiki/my_partner_is_asexual_what_do_i_do

[MyWifeIsAce]

18 minutes ago, BetweenTheNotes said:

With an allo partner, the compromise they are going to make is to consensually do things with you for various reasons (because they love you, want to make you feel good physically, maybe it might even make them feel good physically) - but ace is in general not experiencing sexual attraction. If they are choosing to make an effort to do things, that itself is usually showing they care and want to be with you, if it's not pressured.

 

18 minutes ago, BetweenTheNotes said:

The reality is an ace/allo relationship can't be organic when it comes to sex, both parties have to agree to make compromises. No one is obligated to stay in a relationship that they don't want to be in, of course. But if you do want to stay, then usually both of you have to give in some form or another.

 

19 minutes ago, BetweenTheNotes said:

Sometimes that can feel hurtful, understandably, because people want to be accepted exactly how they are. However your partner being ace isn't about you just like you being allo isn't about them. I know that doesn't magically improve your situation but it can help to remember it isn't personal. Someone trying and making effort is another way of showing love, because it's showing they are trying to make it work even if they're not in the same exact place as you. I know you want them to show passion, but the thing is maybe they are, just not in the same language as you (sex) - maybe it's in another way. People have different ways of saying 'I love you.'

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you...

For your understanding and for these words. It doesn't "FIX" things but it feels good to be understood and to know someone else sees the effort both partners are putting into a relationship despite the vastly different foundations we are built on. I want to cry sad & happy tears at reading this. Thank you thank you thank you. 

[Crimsonbird]

With a grain of salt, because we’re still working on things;

I’m lonely. I understand intimacy feels different for my wife and that she doesn’t understand how I can’t feel connected when we share all aspects of our lives. I’m glad to know I’m not alone not feeling connected because I’ve carried guilt about that for years. I thought I was doing something wrong because we share everything and sex seems so small compared to the rest of shared areas. It seems like one drop in an ocean and I’ve felt incredible guilt over obsessing over that one drop. I have a beautiful wife who is devoted and kind but more and more I feel like we’re drifting as romantic partners. 
I feel alone in my marriage. I’m not sure how to approach her, I don’t want to pressure her, I don’t want to make her feel inadequate, or for her to feel guilt. 

[Traveler40]

15 minutes ago, Crimsonbird said:

With a grain of salt, because we’re still working on things;

I’m lonely. I understand intimacy feels different for my wife and that she doesn’t understand how I can’t feel connected when we share all aspects of our lives. I’m glad to know I’m not alone not feeling connected because I’ve carried guilt about that for years. I thought I was doing something wrong because we share everything and sex seems so small compared to the rest of shared areas. It seems like one drop in an ocean and I’ve felt incredible guilt over obsessing over that one drop. I have a beautiful wife who is devoted and kind but more and more I feel like we’re drifting as romantic partners. 
I feel alone in my marriage. I’m not sure how to approach her, I don’t want to pressure her, I don’t want to make her feel inadequate, or for her to feel guilt. 

Been there. Sorry to hear how you’re feeling.
 

Trigger: your post reminded me of how my path to open began. The loneliness was killing me so I started reading personals. 🙄

 

As time went on, I realized there were so many freaking lonely people out there. If *I* was reading those things, it stood to reason others of like, hmm, backgrounds? were as well. It turns out I was right, in spades. 
 

Anyhow, I spent years in the space you’re in. It’s a tough nut. I’m sorry. The best advice I can give you is work on the romantic connection as you contemplate what you’d like to do, if anything. It’s like a snowball; If the romantic connection fades, then the remaining tethers start breaking. Keep the connections you have strong and thriving. Talk with her….

[Crimsonbird]

6 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Been there. Sorry to hear how you’re feeling.
 

Trigger: your post reminded me of how my path to open began. The loneliness was killing me so I started reading personals. 🙄

 

As time went on, I realized there were so many freaking lonely people out there. If *I* was reading those things, it stood to reason others of like, hmm, backgrounds? were as well. It turns out I was right, in spades. 
 

Anyhow, I spent years in the space you’re in. It’s a tough nut. I’m sorry. The best advice I can give you is work on the romantic connection as you contemplate what you’d like to do, if anything. It’s like a snowball; If the romantic connection fades, then the remaining tethers start breaking. Keep the connections you have strong and thriving. Talk with her….

Thank you Traveler,

I’m worried about exactly that, our other connections breaking. It’s a frightening place and I feel like when I express myself I’m blackmailing her.

[Traveler40]

So, what’s hurting most is the communication aspect or that the discussion is solely about the sorest of subjects, sex?

 

If it’s the latter, tell her your fears, all of them. Focus on your desire to keep the relationship strong and your need to keep the connection alive and well. Sex can always come with the discussion, but as a part of the whole versus the spotlight. 
 

If it’s the former, perhaps start by writing a letter…

[Oreooo]

 Hi everyone, I'm the sexual partner in our relationship and we have a beautiful 4 year old daughter. I'm just trying my best to process everything as I have been with him for a little over five years and just a few month ago he hinted asexuality. Though tonight was when he did admit to being asexual. At first I figured he was just making excuses to not have sex  (sorry for my ignorance but my first thoughts were how can someone who was so sexually active in our relationship in the beginning, someone who has two daughters one from a previous relationship and one with me, and someone who seems to be aroused by mentioning a threessome be axesual), but looking back at our sexual trajectory it all sort of makes sense. I guess from my recent readings he would be a Grey A and something he explained to me as he was able to compromise to meet my sexual needs once in while. Sex has been an ongoing issue in our relationship so now there's so much guilt within me looking back at days we really struggled where he probably felt pressured to please me but thought something was wrong with him, and vise versa the nights I would cry thinking there was something wrong with me because he didn't want me. Now knowing his truth does make navigating our relationship more complex. However, there's no doubt about how much I love this man to his core, and how much he does care for me as he has always shown his romantic connection in other ways. This is something I know I need to process internally and find ways to cope with given the specific needs I highly value for connection are now needing to be dealt with in a more gentle manner so that we both can be accepting of each other. Though to be honest I'm not sure how to go from here as so many emotions are showing up for me. 

[CRHarper]

On 3/4/2005 at 4:02 AM, Identity_Crisis said:

I'm new here, so please mind my ignorance, but how can you have a sexual/asexual relationship?

Any explanation would be great considering i think i am asexual, and i know my partner isn't...

Hi! I’m asexual in a relationship with an allosexual (someone who experiences sexual attraction) who has a high sex drive, and yes, at times it is challenging, but it’s also workable. I’ve suspected I might be ace since my early teens, but my current (and forever) partner and I been together almost a year when I finally understood what that means and realized it’s a part of who I am.
 

The most important thing to understand is that sex isn’t necessarily the most important thing in a relationship, regardless of people’s sexual drive/attraction. Intimacy is important, and there are lots of ways to have that without sex.

 

As far as fulfilling his sexual needs, we both still have some insecurities around that (me not wanting to sexually frustrate him and him worrying I’m not attracted to him sometimes), but we communicate how we feel and how we relate to sex differently. We now have an open relationship (after much communication) with certain boundaries which gives him an option for fulfilling his sexual needs. That doesn’t need to be the case for every ace-allo relationship, though.

 

The biggest things are communication and finding other ways to have intimacy. With that, these relationships can work and thrive.

[CRHarper]

For anyone looking for Asexual education resources, there’s an amazing book called Ace by Angela Chen. It’s very informative about asexuality, relationships, and cultural norms. The audiobook is also well done and easy to follow. In both versions, the author cites numerous other online/print resources (including AVEN) that you could look into as well if interested.

[Ceebs]

Man, I don't know that I've seen an 18-year-old post get quoted before. 😅

[Sally]

2 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Man, I don't know that I've seen an 18-year-old post get quoted before. 😅

How does anybody do that anyway?  Or why?