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Feral_Sophisticate
How would you deal with it if your SO were in an accident, and was physically unable to have sex due to injury or lingering pain? Would you leave? Would you still love them as much? How would you continue to be intimate in a way that works for both of you?

This is how I have come to understand the difference. It's not a choice, it's not got anything to do with me or how much he loves me.

This, right there, is perfect. :)

I'm in a similar boat to you, and I don't think my partner (or our relationship together) is "broken".

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Telecaster68
How would you deal with it if your SO were in an accident, and was physically unable to have sex due to injury or lingering pain? Would you leave? Would you still love them as much? How would you continue to be intimate in a way that works for both of you?

But there's a key difference - they would probably still desire you, even if they couldn't do anything about it. Yes, the physical absence of sex makes a difference, but it's the lack of desire for you which can hollow you out emotionally.

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Feral_Sophisticate

Yes, the physical absence of sex makes a difference, but it's the lack of desire for you which can hollow you out emotionally.

Yes, but that's more likely if you lack intimacy in other areas.

When I was married, I was still confused in my thinking that sex was the only way to be intimate. It took my first serious relationship (and a string of failed "hookups", in my attempt to find the missing piece of the intimate puzzle) before I recognized the error in my rationale. The 16 years I was married (and the 3 after it ended) were shallow and hollow. The man I am now, vs the man I was then, are very different, insofar as emotional (and relationship) maturity is concerned.

And here I am, in a relationship with a girl who is likely asexual, but we work, because we have plenty of intimacy, outside of sex.

The funny thing I found was that by leaving sex "out of the equation" (as it were) for the first 1 1/2 years of my current relationship, it allowed us to develop an intense degree of trust, which then made her willing to experiment with some sexual activity. She didn't do it out of sexual desire, but out of curiosity and a desire to "complete the loop", as her needs were being met, and she wanted to ensure mine were, too.

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Telecaster68
Yes, but that's more likely if you lack intimacy in other areas.

For me, the rest of the relationship is pretty good - nothing's perfect obviously - but there's nothing that replaces the intensity and combination of physical and emotional openness of sex, which means being desired. It's like saying you won't miss the buzz of caffeine if you drink enough orange juice.

But the my main point was the 'but what if they were physically incapable' analogy is flawed.

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Tarfeather

How would you deal with it if your SO were in an accident, and was physically unable to have sex due to injury or lingering pain? Would you leave? Would you still love them as much? How would you continue to be intimate in a way that works for both of you?

But there's a key difference - they would probably still desire you, even if they couldn't do anything about it. Yes, the physical absence of sex makes a difference, but it's the lack of desire for you which can hollow you out emotionally.

Agreed, it's a flawed analogy. Even a person who can't physically give sex can still make you feel sexually desired. An asexual has the physical ability to do so, but it is part of their nature that they do not want to. Being with such a person requires trust on a different scale from simply being loyal to someone who lacks the physical ability.

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snickeroni

Actually, that's not impossible between a sexual/asexual couple. I've had sexual partners tell me about their agreement to take sexuality out of the relationship and still keep it monogomous. Though I do think each individual should compromise with each other, sometimes someone is willing to compromise with giving up sexual activity of any kind. It depends on how important it is to everyone. Not all sexual people believe its a necessity.

You're right. I'm ace, but i've only ever been in relationships with allos. Before I knew about it, it was all overly complicated and messy and I felt like I had to somehow justify not wanting sex. But things are so much easier now, knowing. the person I'm currently seeing completely surprised me. I told him right off the bat, and he said there's so much more to life and love and that it didn't bother him too much. I suppose communication really is key.

But I get that it could be too much of a compromise at some point.

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frednsa

Pretty much same here. Married for 2/3 of my life and miserable. If i knew..............Locked in now - pity. She may not have known - thought perhaps that the sacrament would change her total lack of desire. Could not have been more wrong. She tells me "i'm not wired like that". Glib, huh ?

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

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Sally

Pretty much same here. Married for 2/3 of my life and miserable. If i knew..............Locked in now - pity. She may not have known - thought perhaps that the sacrament would change her total lack of desire. Could not have been more wrong. She tells me "i'm not wired like that". Glib, huh ?

No, it isn't glib; it might be one of the best statements about being asexual. I didn't realize I wasn't wired that way for decades; I just thought that eventually, I'd "get it".

If you feel that you are locked into your marriage by pity for your wife, do you think that she doesn't feel that pity? Is that a good basis to continue a marriage for either of you?

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UrnC

I see some of us in most of these posts. The biggest difference, apparently, that up until a month ago we'd never even mentioned asexuality as part of the problem. Even now we haven't put a label on it, only I have and only because I happened across the term and this website about a week ago. Hence, I suppose, the difference.

Back in July we came across an article by relationship therapist Mark Gungor. In short, that led us to a discussion of our sexual disparity issues. We both took the whole thing pretty lightly but one remark Julie made during the course of events was that she just wasn't interested in sex so I would need to be what Gungor termed The Great Initiator. (She even got me a Dracula-style cape with that title printed on the back. Pictures to follow, film at eleven.)

Her admission got me to thinking and eased a few of the problems we'd experienced prior in our relationship and, to me at least, explained a lot. Like some of the previous posters here, I initially felt like her lack of interest and ( what I perceived as) appropriate responses were my fault. I was just a poor lover, wasn't making her feel wanted, etc. It even got to the point of questioning whether she might be getting what she did needed from another source - although she's never been squeamish about letting it be known that if I ever did, my life would be over! Knowing that our libidos were mismatched was elementary. Discovering that hers basically didn't exist was enlightening, though hardly in a positive way.

After numerous and varied attempts on my part to explain and/or demonstrate my frustration, We had, without discussing it, reached a sort of unspoken arrangement; I wouldn't let my (almost constant) desires "bother" her, she "performs" when necessary and the rest of the time I was pretty much left to my own devices, so to speak. But that leaves a lot to be desired from my end of the stick, short as it may be (no innuendo intended - as far as you know ;-) ).

So, we still haven't explored the issue as a couple and discussed it. I'm not sure how to approach it. Suggestions would be appreciated.

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Telecaster68

I'm in the same boat, roughly. Sixteen years, wife's need for sex always lower than mine, and post menopause (and HRT), lupus diagnosis (with anti-inflammatories), and antidepressives (now on SSRIs), it seems to have disappeared entirely. She also doesn't get aroused, isn't interested in sex, but will occasionally, like once a month, initiate something sexual for my sake. (We've talked about all this stuff). I don't initiate any more as it as she felt it was pressure; and the refusal rate was doing my head in. So for practical purposes, it hurts less if I think of her as asexual since she has the same attitudes and to be blunt, it hurts me less. Apart from that (Mrs Lincoln) things are fine...

God knows how it'll pan out.

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TheGoodWife

I learned about this site from a documentary on PIVOT cable TV. It was good to hear that my husband is not alone with this orientation. When we met at 18 (me) and 21 (him), he was thrilled to develop a physical relationship with me. In retrospect I am sure he was eager to finally have sexual feelings. He was a mechanical lover but we had regular sex the first 15 years of our marriage. I now realize I always initiated sex. Then my husband started his own company and he abruptly decided that he was too tense to make love any more. It was like turning off a faucet. Total rejection. I was patient for a few weeks, maybe a month, but then it became very upsetting to me. I interpreted his disinterest as saying that making love to me was worrisome and unsatisfying. To me, that meant he felt that I was worrisome and unsatisfying. We still made love every two or three months but it was less and less satisfying to me. He clearly didn't enjoy our physical relationship; he was unresponsive to my wishes and unimaginative with his wishes. I argued with him a LOT about sex but he refused to say anything other than he "just didn't feel like it." I pleaded with him to at least hold me and "make out" with me so I'd get some physical closeness and affection. I pretty much drove him even farther away. There were no kisses, no hugs, no cuddling -- nothing. Our frequency dwindled to once or twice a year but he was so anxious that he gave me no pleasure whatsoever and the last few times were actually painful from his awkwardness. We had sex in the year 2000 because I wanted to have sex in this century. And we haven't had sex since. I should have left him when he turned away from me but at that time he truly was under a lot of strain getting his company going. I held out hope that things would improve with us as his business improved for him. The business did great but that never helped us. At one point he was so frustrated with me that he begged me to stop talking and to stop hoping he would change. I stopped talking about it but I kept hoping. We've been married for almost 50 years now and have grown children and almost-grown grandchildren. He's a good man and surely the best friend anyone could ever have. I think of him as a marvelous roommate. But I should have left him 30 years ago. I respect his right to live his own sexuality but I also had a right to live my own sexuality.

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Telecaster68

Fifty years... my heart goes out to you. Hopefully you can find at least some solace here. As someone once said 'I can take the disappointment. It's the hope that's killing me.'

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TheGoodWife

Thank you for understanding.

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getting Aware

Hello everybody

Reading through this thread was very moving and gave me a lot of insights. I can hardly recommend going through the whole length of it, even though it does take a long time! And so I will add my story to all the others; mainly to get things of my chest, but maybe it will also help others to feel less alone and give yet others some more insight…

Before I met my current girlfriend, I was single for 8 years after having an intimate but sexless first relationship and a second with a lot of sex (but both lasting less than a year). During the intermediate 8 years I had two drunken one-night-stands (not great at all) and one intimate holiday-affair where we did a lot short from having actual intercourse…

During that time, what I missed most was not the sex itself, but rather the intimacy which comes from being very close with your girlfriend. Unfortunately all the girls I was interested in did not reply my feelings, and the two who were interested in me did just not wake mine… The longer this state went on, the more I craved a girlfriend, and the harder it became to actually find someone who was not turned down by my increasingly desperate attempts.

When I finally did meet my girlfriend, it was almost a Hollywood-style story, of locking eyes of her across a crowded room - improved by our real-life personalities with our own quirks… From the beginning I felt instinctively that I had to take things slow with her – on our fourth date we confessed our mutual feelings for each other, but the first kiss only followed two dates later. On the other hand, we discussed the possibility of moving together a few weeks into our relationship – the fact that we still live apart is just due to unfortunate circumstances! We're now two and a half years into our relation and still madly in love with each other!

When we started spending the nights together, she told me that she has some evil feelings associated with sex, and that she wanted to take things slow. This was fine by me, since just cuddling with her gave me much of what I was looking for, and I told her that it was all right as long as we tried to make progress in that direction and we end up having sex within a year or so. Some time later, she confessed that she is probably suffering from a repressed childhood abuse case – she does not remember anything, but all the signs strongly point to it, including her terrible and constant nightmares, her traumatic reactions to certain form of touching, and a lot of other things which she continually has to cope with. She does not want to find counselling however, because of bad experience with psychologists and doctors in general.

Knowing all this, we did our best to find out what she was comfortable with, and to find a way that she could enjoy 'extended cuddling' as much as she already enjoys normal cuddling. We were both positively surprised that she could sometimes actually enjoy me 'dry humping' her and I even get to climax with that. Sexual arousal from touching and petting her is much more difficult however, and we had a terrible incident when I did not react immediately to her bad reaction to touching her in the wrong way.

That 'sex within one year' turned into almost two before we had our first attempt at intercourse, where we just did not find a way which did not hurt her and we therefore had to abort. On our second attempt, it again hurt at first and afterwards the best thing we can say is that I got to climax without it turning evil for her – which really is a huge step, but still a long shot from a good solution where we could comfortably have sex. We just have to hope that we somehow find a way to improve on this. Not being able to have sex is really sad, but I realized that this in no way diminishes the immense feelings that I still have for her.

A few weeks ago she discovered the possibility of asexuality on the internet, and could strongly identify with it. For her, people are not divided into male and female, but are mainly just people; She often does not get any sexual innuendos; She always felt left out when her friends were talking about sexual things in high school; And she just generally can't get all the fuss people make about sex all the time. I'm sure that there are many more things in it for her, but I'm still in the process of finding out about this part of her personality…

Getting aware about asexuality has both helped and made things harder for me. I too had sometimes all the feelings of 'just not doing it right', of 'not being good enough for her', and all the others mentioned in previous posts – and here it helps to realize that this is simply not the case. On the other hand it means that all my efforts of trying to show her that sexual things really are enjoyable and great might be kind of moot up to outright cruel.

I guess I should count myself lucky, that she always does enjoy holding hands, kissing and normal cuddling. In some cases she even enjoys sexual actions – ranging from being happy to make me happy, up to some rare occasions where she too feels a part of that close 'spiritual and emotional' connection which most sexual people seem to associate with good sex in a partnership. We hope that we can find a way to someday also include actual intercourse in these sexual activities that she can enjoy in her way, but I have to be aware that these hopes are mainly based on my wishes (and to face it: urges).

Talking about urges: there are a lot of bad influences and consequences this situation has for me, for which I still try to find a way to cope with and some of which I will have to re-evaluate under the aspect of her asexuality.

One issue is, that I am quite insecure in myself and with my body. The lack of a girlfriend over such a long time did a lot to increase these feelings, and the fact that my girlfriend is not sexually attracted to me does not help at all. On the other hand, she does make me feel a lot better by telling me how great I am and how much she loves me. She also tells me I'm the first person she actually enjoys seeing naked and having beside her in her bed, which I guess I will have to learn to take as much as a compliment as any sexual desire by a sexual person.

Another issue are my sexual fantasies (TMI WARNING!): I get turned on by some really fucked up stuff, mainly involving women (or rather girls) experiencing sexual arousal against their will. And even though these are 'just fantasies' and I would never want to carry them out, this is quite disturbing for me and the thought of it is outright repulsing. My much preferred and fulfilling sexual fantasies revolve around pleasuring a woman that I have feelings for, much more than around my own pleasure. Somewhere in the middle is 'loving bdsm' with a woman who enjoys it as well, or for porn the IfeelMyself-site which is about women pleasuring themselves. Knowing that sexually pleasuring my girlfriend is just not really something she wants, makes all my good fantasies that much harder, as in order to keep it real enough I kinda have to focus more on my own pleasure and her love for me. But because this is much more difficult, I keep falling back to the disturbing option which really does nothing to improve my state of mind... The problem is even increased by the fact that my girlfriend gets aroused but also terrified by corresponding bad fantasies (sexual arousal is difficult for her because it evokes those picturess), and we decided that it's best to stay as far away as possible from these negative images as possible, so 'loving BDSM' is extremely tempting but quite off limits for my fantasies as well.

Thirdly, I'm generally speaking much more attracted to faces and personalities than the typical 'boobs and body fixation'. Apart from loving my girlfriend for who she is, I do however find her absolutely gorgeous, including her whole body! I love to see her naked (which fortunately she can accept) and would love to touch and caress her everywhere. Unfortunately, touching her breasts is something she really does not like as it can trigger bad images and is not at all pleasurable for her – and even though this is absolutely not typical for me, I find myself more and more fascinated with her breasts… Yeah I know, forbidden stuff is attracting, but why the hell am I suddenly interested in something that makes life so much more difficult for our relationship?!?

So here I am, madly in love with an asexual girl, trying to find ways to make this work. This has been my longest and most intensive relationship ever, despite the infrequency of our sexual intimacy. (I'm sometimes wondering whether it might be exactly because of this lack; that frequent sex gets boring and that this constant struggle is keeping me interested – I kinda doubt it, but who knows?) I can absolutely envision spending the rest of my life with her – I just really hope that we find a way to work around our differences in sexuality since I don't want to spend the rest of my life in increasing sexual frustration.

Fortunately the key point of communication, which is mentioned so often here, already works quite well for us, even about sexual stuff. The one problem is, that she would prefer to avoid the subject when she is not feeling well (something which unfortunately happens way too often) - and I still have to consider whether this is fine with me or not, since this is much easier for her than for me… But yes, we are discussing everything and I do think we're making progress.

Sorry this whole thing turned into something of a monster post! But fortunately no one has to read this :)

I'm really happy to have found this community, and I do hope to find (and give) more support and answers here in the future…

By the way, I'm a 29 year old sexual male – compared to my girlfriend I feel almost like a sex addict, but then again I'm the more fashion aware of the two of us, and there I know that I'm actually really not :D

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Telecaster68

Hi Getting

I can empathise with your pain and confusion. My attraction to women has much the same characteristics, the mock 'forcing' and the love of giving pleasure co-existing, which feels weird, but there we go... I only found out about liking the 'forcing' stuff with a girlfriend who was *really* into being on the receiving end herself and actively asked me to do it, and me enjoying it quite so much shocked (and thrilled) me at first. I think the woman has to be really, really, comfortable with herself and her sexuality to enjoy that though (or on a 'just don't go there' level of fucked-upness...).

It sounds like your relationship is basically strong though, which is good. Has your girlfriend thought about therapy for her potential abuse issues? Any increased sexual interest would be a bonus if it happened, but just generally, she might find it helps I guess.

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Tarfeather

Another issue are my sexual fantasies (TMI WARNING!): I get turned on by some really fucked up stuff, mainly involving women (or rather girls) experiencing sexual arousal against their will. And even though these are 'just fantasies' and I would never want to carry them out, this is quite disturbing for me and the thought of it is outright repulsing. My much preferred and fulfilling sexual fantasies revolve around pleasuring a woman that I have feelings for, much more than around my own pleasure. Somewhere in the middle is 'loving bdsm' with a woman who enjoys it as well, or for porn the IfeelMyself-site which is about women pleasuring themselves. Knowing that sexually pleasuring my girlfriend is just not really something she wants, makes all my good fantasies that much harder, as in order to keep it real enough I kinda have to focus more on my own pleasure and her love for me. But because this is much more difficult, I keep falling back to the disturbing option which really does nothing to improve my state of mind... The problem is even increased by the fact that my girlfriend gets aroused but also terrified by corresponding bad fantasies (sexual arousal is difficult for her because it evokes those picturess), and we decided that it's best to stay as far away as possible from these negative images as possible, so 'loving BDSM' is extremely tempting but quite off limits for my fantasies as well.

Focus on fantasies that don't involve her. Get creative. In a fantasy, anything is possible, so it shouldn't be too hard "inventing" someone you'd enjoy these things with who is not your partner.

Thirdly, I'm generally speaking much more attracted to faces and personalities than the typical 'boobs and body fixation'.

I don't think that's a thing, really.. Most people are like you from what I understand.

Unfortunately, touching her breasts is something she really does not like as it can trigger bad images and is not at all pleasurable for her – and even though this is absolutely not typical for me, I find myself more and more fascinated with her breasts… Yeah I know, forbidden stuff is attracting, but why the hell am I suddenly interested in something that makes life so much more difficult for our relationship?!?

Because boobies. Including in a non-sexual way, they are the best thing ever. Even women agree.

I just really hope that we find a way to work around our differences in sexuality since I don't want to spend the rest of my life in increasing sexual frustration.

Yeah, with that attitude, you might as well break it off now. You want to change her for your sake; It's not going to happen. Accept that you're going to live a life of sexual frustration (or else, look into alternatives such as poly), and then the two of you can try to deal with her repulsion and her negative emotions for her sake.

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dancedrum

My BF and I just broke up...it is the saddest day of my life. I thought I had finally found the perfect partner, but after one year of very little sex, and more importantly, absolutely NO affection, I could not take it any more. For any asexuals reading this, PLeASe be honest with your GF/BF from the start.....for me the past year has been one of frustration, sadness, confusion, and feeling very, very alone....I am glad I found this site because I knew nothing about asexuals and at least I know that I was not alone in my year of sadness. For me, sex and affection are part of what makes a happy relationship.....I respect an asexuals right to not have sex, but please don't hide this from your partner...it is just not fair.

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Aching

I am sorry for your loss, dancedrum, but I wish you well. May you enjoy much physical affection!

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Lynnfromct

I am definitely a sexual being. Think boyfriend is asexual.

Im confused. Im dating a younger man who has 2 little girls from another woman but appears to have no sexual desire. He claims he loves me but does not enjoy sex. He has ability to get hard but does not want to do anything about it and is uninterested in pleasing me. We cuddle and kiss but thats all. He says hes never heard the term asexual but thats what it sounds like to me. Can anyone shed light on this for me. Please. I have always has strong sexual appetite and i am lost. I love him explicitly but dont think i can forgo sex indefinitely.

He told me to have sex with other guys but when i went to do this. He said "whose wayne" i said my friend. I said you said u were ok with this. He said "remember i love you" . i left but came back couldn't do it. Mike acted like hed lost his best friend when i was going out.

So im stuck between rock and hard place. Please help.

Then he offered to try to please me with his fingers. But i refused the look on his face when he offered.. Look like a man facing a gas chamber. But i love the guy. Miss intimacy. Even a few months ago i got more kissing and cuddling. Now its like i have to kiss him or cuddle him.

I know he loves me and always telks me im beautiful but nothing he does shows me he feels that love.

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Billie girl

I just wrote a post on this in another forum on this site talking about asexuals and grey asexuals wanting to become more sexual. You hit the nail on the head when it came to her pregnancy. the hormones is the key. go read it. lots of luck.

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Z.Star

Hi!

I'm in a mixed relationships now... And it's a bit strange.

Exially, I believe that someone here could explain me some things.

If it's a tabo, please excuce me in advanced.

We've started as friends and exidently kissed. It caused some straight talk and now we are a pair somehow.

And here came a problem..sex.. (We bougth were virgins) Then we've made it.. Everything was perfect.

Only after few moungts my partner told me, that every time, then people's touch are terrible (and sex is the terriblest thing in the world). Of cours, we've discussed many thing, but I could not ask one question. How should I act? (I realy like him and it's something miricle, still could not stop myself from hugs and such things. He never says nothing against...and it's strange)

Please explain what shoul I do? What to ask and to discus? Or maybe you can explain his filings and what is in his head (Pleeese)

Thank you!

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faraday☘

Oh my gosh…sorry this is so long! Reading these posts has given me a better understanding of what my sexual SOs went though. I thought I’d share a bit about my experiences as an asexual woman who was twice married to sexual men. I didn’t know anything about “asexuality”, but early on, I knew I had no desire to have sex. I was, however, romantic and sought out relationships. I enjoyed holding hands, hugging, cuddeling, and closed-mouth kissing. I was first married at 20 and the marriage lasted 5 years. At first, I thought I may change my mind once I have sex and perhaps even enjoy it (at least that was what EVERYONE told me). My husband was highly sexual. I found sex to be replusive, and attempts were painful. Thus, we never consummated our marriage. We started on both a medical and psychological journey to figure out what my problem was. He became very depressed and felt rejected, and there was quite a bit of pressure on my part to meet his needs, which repulsed me. His strong desire led him to seek sex outside the marriage, and eventually we divorced. Our relationship had other problems, and it was qutie dysfunctional, but sex (or the lack of) overshadowed it.

My second marriage was qutie different. I was very open about my lack of desire and that I had no interest in having a sexual relationship. I also did not want to be “fixed”, and that I had no intention of pursuing therapists or other medical cures. We had productive disscussions on the matter. At first, he was happy to make the sacrafice. He used the “what if you were injured in an accident and couldn’t physically have sex…I would still love you” analogy. Initialy, we had a very healthy relationship. We were romantic and had many of the same interests, and loved each other very much. I do believe, however, that there was a little something inside of him that thought I would become sexual with time. He believed that my lack of sexual interest was due to trauma or my prior dysfunctional marriage, which closed my heart. My first husband was controlling and very demanding. He, on the other hand, put my needs first, was loving, compassionate, and overall a very kind and gentle person. However, as time passed, something was missing for him. For him (and most sexuals), sex is more than just a method of release, it is the highest and deepest act of compassion to express one’s love and affection for another person. This was hard for me to understand. After the honeymoon phase ended, it became more difficult for him to go without. I would compromise, and attempt to meet his needs, but he could sense that I did NOT enjoy it at all. He started doing research, reading books, and basicaly seeking out a solution so that I would be able to not only have sex, but to enjoy it as well. I started to feel pressured, and I responded by withdrawing and pulling away. We did come across "asexuality" from a documentary we saw together, but he believed that it was not real. At the time, the awareness was very minimal, and unfortunatly it was a dead-end. After a few more years, he started to feel more and more rejected. He believed that I did not care enough to seek a solution. Eventually, he became resentful – even hateful toward me. It was sad to see the man that I married, who was once so kind, caring, and compassionate, become so angry, bitter, mean, and even verbally abusive. After 16 years of marriage, he left. What broke my heart was that he was not a hateful person, but this situaiton certainly changed him.
My point is not to tell a sob story. The main difference is that we did not know about asexuality, or at least it was not accepted at the time. I still wonder if things would be different if we knew and accepted asexuality?? If you are sexual, however, how long can you REALLY tolerate not sharing a true reciprocal sexual relationship with your SO? When people first meet, they will give each other the moon, make great sacrifices, and swear to love one another to the very end no matter what! But when the honeymoon is over….is NO sex realistic? Obviously asexuality varies, and many can have sex or even enjoy it with the right person. They can make sacrifices, and are willing to meet the other’s needs with great pleasure. I tend to fall more on the extreme and repulsed side of the spectrum, and this was merely my personal experience.
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Aching

Hi Faraday! Thanks for sharing your story. And thank you for your understanding. You've clearly gone out of your way to see where your partners were coming from.

A mixed relationship is a difficult struggle, and I have not yet learned to navigate it. I find myself thinking that we'll get it worked out, but of course, for me, getting it worked out means that I'm having sex. I desperately miss it and can't wait to feel the welcome touch of another human being again. And of course, not having that from my SO, I tend to try not to get too close to other people, because I know that as soon as I start to make a connection with someone it can easily get confused into other forms of attraction, especially once touching becomes involved (hugging, for example). Not getting something I need from my partner, and denying it from others, of course, ends up leading me to resentment, and I act out occasionally (say words that I know aren't helpful, and I feel it as soon as they leave my mouth) I want to address this in our relationship in a positive and productive manner, but hell if I know how to do that. I guess we should try for counseling. Not sure what it would achieve, but at least it would involve another ear and voice to help guide us.

And of course, it's easy to think we can sacrifice something in our heads, but when it comes into practice, and we actually live with the lack for some time, it becomes apparent that we are not some sort of amazing being that can just throw out our very real, and perfectly normal and natural, desires. This is probably especially difficult for those of us who discovered, during the course of our relationship, that our partners were/are asexual. When mine discovered this, and was sure I would leave her, I wanted to be there for her. I love her, and as such, I couldn't stand to see her hurting. I wanted to support her and who she is. But who I am and who she is happen to have this special little challenge.

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faraday☘

Knowlenge about asexuality, and the support of your fellow avenites, for both you and your SO is a definate advantage. I wish you (and others) all the luck in the world with respect to managing mixed relationships!!

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Martingaleh

I've come to validate my life's choices as a sexual person in a mixed marriage. In my time there was no concept of Asexuality. My wife didn't know she was asexual and our frequency was reasonable. 3/month. Little did I know the posters here consider 3/week normal. I did 3 years of diligence on her before marriage and then remained married for 4 years before having a kid. Since conception I've had sex 0 times. Our kid is 12 old. It's been a 12 years and nine months. My wife is aromantic and asexual. I e learned it's not that she hates me but that she hates people in general. I don't know how aromantics are in general but she would probably treat my death with a little more than indifference. However it is fair to say I am her favorite person. In that manner our marriage is advantageous to her. If I had known before marriage there wouldn't be a marriage. But now that I'm stuck I endure it for my kid. Plus aside from the no sex thing she's great. Reading the posts on this forum I feel the following two facts are true. 1. Unless otherwise warned, a partner should reasonably expect a consistent level of sexual activity from the other partner and 2. Sex is like sushi. You either like it or you don't. There is no acclimation or brainwashing or magic to getting one to like it if they don't. My wife will never like it. Thus I've come to the inevitable solution for mixed couples everywhere. Cheat. Dishonest? Too bad. It's as dishonest as seducing me with a false interest in sex in the first place. Compromise? 0 times is no compromise. Plus compromise is a deal that both parties are unhappy with. This is the optimal solution. Probably best to pay in Vegas or something because it's cleaner. Don't want to lead someone else with a false sense the way I was. Of course the only one I want to have sex with is my wife. I have to get over that or I'll die celibate.

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heartbroken

DISINTERESTED

I'm a shell of a woman

Dark lonely nights as I lie next to you

Searching for my lover, but realize it's only you

I'm a shell of a woman.

My passion brutally ripped away at a tender twenty two.

Replaced instead by loneliness, self-doubt and shame.

I'm a shell of a woman

I've burned with desire, but you have doused my flames

All that's left is dried embers, unceremoniously purged by the wind

I'm a shell of a woman

Unbridled ardor was quickly shunned and dismissed

You need to make me want you, it's your fault, you're not sexy enough you said

I'm a shell of a woman

I have been so alone, so alone in my shame

My desires unmet, my fantasies unfulfilled

I'm a shell of a woman

No longer feeling sorrow or joy or pain

In order to kill my passion, I had to kill them all

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Apostle

I am very sexual and my wife is asexual (opposites attract).

I thought for a time, I was not being loving enough to get her 'in the mood', I tried more romance, I tried more gifts, I tried being especially kind and giving to help her feel more secure in our relationship, I tried and tried because I didn't understand asexuality. I thought for a while that it was just because I was a guy and guys want sex all the time while women are different that way. I thought she was being pure and stubborn against my desire on purpose.

Due to all the times sexual pleasure has been denied to me by my sexy wife, I have felt rejected, unwanted, dissatisfied, resistable (not pleasant), angry, sad, abandoned, frustrated, spiteful, and tempted to get sex elsewhere (have not done so). It is so hard for me to be with her at times when I feel sex would be so natural only to have her ignore the whole topic. It actually hurts to be put in touch with my own sexuality so much when I am not receiving the physical contact from her I desire.

Before we got married, she acted sexual to please me. After we got married, her sex drive has gotten almost non-existent, so at times I feel tricked into marriage. I also feel sometimes that she is being asexual to punish me for something I did wrong. Now, I realize she and I are on opposite sides of the bell curve when it comes to sex drive and I am trying to deal with it by obstaining (just as she deals with my sexuality by having sex once in a while).

I also thought sex was central to a relationship and I am learning there are other factors that make our relationship intimate. I am trying to change my mind in my need for sexual contact as validation/ acknowledgement. It is difficult when most TV and movies depict a guy having sex as his reward for being a winner. No sex, feels like a punishment for being a loser at times. Our culture pushes sex a lot as the norm so not having any feels like I don't get to play like the others do.

It is so hard to find a person that matches what we want in a partner on every level . I searched for 2o years before finally setttling down. My wife has most things I need and a strong sexual attraction just isn't one of them. I feel secure when other guys come after her though. I do not always know what to do when the desire for sex hits me and doesn't hit her. She and I talk about so many other things but sex isn't one of them (oddly?) She claims she enjoys it and then doesn't want any. So what am I supposed to do?

Had she been more honest with me (and herself) about it or I had been less confident in my ability to make her 'want sex', we might not have gotten married. Perhaps, it is how love is for us. We love each other despite our major differences.

A sexy, asexual woman supports the saying, "what you see isn't always what you get."

Yeah, thanks for this post Newguy35. Sums me up as well. I've been married for 30 years now with an asexual wife who didn't let on early enough in our relationship that perhaps what she desired didn't match my desires. She doesn't want to talk about it as she is the non-confrontational type. Feel somewhat deflated as a result but, as you so aptly put it, we seem to be conditioned by the media to hump at anything that moves. However, it's not that easy to forget about your own sexuality if it is in your body chemistry. There is nothing that you can do to really suppress your urge to show what you feel...........your mind sort of controls your body, especially when you are younger. There is an awful truth in the saying that according to many women, 'men have their brains in their trousers'. If there is a God, he (or even she) didn't seem to do a very good job on this issue!

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Manyfaces

Hi everyone-

This is my first post. I have been reading all day as much as I can find about Asexual Orientation as this is all new to me. I am a sexual woman, in my fifties, married I believe to an asexual aromantic man. I am not even sure if I have the terminology correct. I think he may be gray-ace.

We have been married for 12 years and have had not sexual relations for the last 8. I have beat myself up so badly emotionally, spiritually and mentally that it has made me physically ill. I love this man and want our relationship to survive. I have found some hope here on this site and want to thank you for sharing your stories and bits of yourselves, as difficult at times it may have been. Really, thank you.

This is not our first marriage, but we have so much vested in one another and have blended our families into one. We are committed to one another in so many ways. Oh damnit the tears won't stop.

I am not really sure what to do, but try to communicate with him what I have learned. I do not think he knows anything about asexual... the term, anyway. I am sure he knows the feelings very well.

I feel as If I have been on a roller coaster of emotions the last 18 hours, reading though these posts, and the Aven Wiki. Relief. Sorrow. Joy. Confusion. Fear. Loss. No cure.................more rejection. What to do - oh what to do.,?

Thanks for your time. Bless you each and every one.

Kindly,

Manyfaces

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Telecaster68

Manyfaces

Everyone here understands and 'gets it' and feels for you.

I'm the husband of a functionally asexual wife (lots of details in previous posts... I'm guessing you might've read them already, but in brief - always grey-ish, it turns out, and a combination of lupus, menopause and situational depression killed off whatever libido she had. I thought I was being considerate by not initiating too persistently, she thought I was okay with no sex, until last year when I brought all up. Since then it's got a bit better - 10 minutes of luke warm missionary once a month at best - but she's never going to actually desire sex in a passionate way for herself). LIke your husband, she doesn't identify as asexual, but if it acts like a duck and quacks like a duck... Framing what she says in terms of asexuality has helped me, at least.

You do have to talk with your husband, but expect any progress to be slow and painful for your both. It might be best to get him to read bits of AVEN - announcing yours, however lovingly it's done (and it's so hard to get past the hurt and resentment to be loving), could easily come across as more accusations which will just make him more defensive. If he is asexual, then it could as either a relief or a whole new set of problems - you don't say what his attitude to this is. You've probably read enough to know that for some asexuals, they're unaware there's any kind of problem, let alone how deep the feelings go for you. Others agonise and beat themselves up just as much sexual partners, and feel broken and inadequate. Finding out more about how your husband feels wil be part of what the Talks will be about. AVEN does tend to assume anyone who doesn't want to have sex with their partners is asexual, but it may not be the case - he could be masking ED, or have something else going on he's not sharing.

And again if he's asexual, you're right - it's not an illness, there's no cure, so any change in his behaviour has to be because he wants to change, and that's completely up to him. It's pretty much impossible you'll ever feel that spark of desire for you from him, but some asexuals can enjoy sex for the closeness, and because they're doing something their partner enjoys, sometimes even physically. That can be something to build on, but it's beyond your influence. All you can do is try to create an environment in which he can do that if he wants to.

The aromantic side is something I can't help so much with - my wife isn't aromantic, which at least means non-sexual physical affection has always been okay, though she doesn't seem to share my degree of instinctive need for it. I suspect in some ways aromanticism is even harder to deal with than asexuality in a partner.

Feel free to PM me or ask anything you need to know. I can share what you're going through.

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Manyfaces

Oh Thank you- I posted a long breathy post and lost it- will try when my energy levels are a bit higher and I am feeling less down.

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