Jump to content
alibali

This may explain why asexuals have sex

Recommended Posts

Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

There are plenty of things that I have enjoyed doing ONCE or TWICE, yet I've never done since, and have never even thought about doing for DECADES. 

 

Yet, I'm not "unhappy" at the thought of never doing them again. 

 

Just because we may enjoy an experience doesn't mean that we have the desire to repeat it over and over again, ESPECIALLY at a frequency of doing it, so it becomes a routine.  Yuck. 

 

 

I think it comes down to how much someone enjoys it. Years ago, I went whitewater rafting and enjoyed it, but I've never had the urge to repeat it; some people can't enough though. I've always concluded they just enjoyed it more than me.

 

Someone (Snao, I think) once described on here how she enjoyed sex, when she did, and to me, as a sexual, it sounded like a lot of effort for not that much payoff. But it was enough for her call it 'enjoying', even though if it was me, I'd have no particular desire to keep doing it either.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
P1atypus
19 hours ago, Moxie84 said:

@Homer If you enjoy something chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having it. Nobody that likes something is like "yay that was nice can't wait to never do that again."  And I do understand the you can like something and not do it or not want to do it for a variety of reasons. But your missing the point.

 

The difference doesn't matter because either way you can be ace. Coming on here and making general statements invalidating peoples sexuality isn't right. All I was trying to say was the comment she made doesn't match the definition of Asexuality and that liking sex or "being upset at the thought of not having it" doesn't make you any less ace. People come here for acceptance not to be invalidated.

Within 10 seconds of reading this I had though of 20 things I've done which I really enjoyed but never want to do again.

 

Many people come here with completely incorrect ideas about sexuality and asexuality, it is possibly to accept someone into a community and acknowledge their identity whilst also educating them.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
roland.o
20 hours ago, alibali said:

Hmmm..I feel I'm missing something clearly important in life by not having any desire for partnered or otherwise sex, but as I don't really know what I am missing it doesn't make me unhappy that I am missing it...

Lolol if that makes sense.

If it doesn't make you unhappy, then it's clearly not that important to you :-) :cake:

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
13 minutes ago, roland.o said:

If it doesn't make you unhappy, then it's clearly not that important to you :-) :cake:

It made me unhappy when I was in a relationship because it ruined the relationship. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
3 hours ago, roland.o said:

If it doesn't make you unhappy, then it's clearly not that important to you :-) :cake:

Not true, either. 

 

I do things that doesn't exactly make me happy, but I do them because they're important to do. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

- fail, I got the quotes mixed up!! ignore me haha

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Philip027
Quote

If you enjoy something chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having it. Nobody that likes something is like "yay that was nice can't wait to never do that again."  And I do understand the you can like something and not do it or not want to do it for a variety of reasons. But your missing the point.

You'd think so, but these things are not inherently connected.  Being able to enjoy something is not the same thing as actively wanting and desiring it.

 

I can enjoy cupcakes if they're what's offered at a party or something, but I will never actively crave or desire them while walking through a bakery or something.  The serving is small, the wrappers they are usually in are annoying to peel off, etc.  I'll always prefer a more standard cake.

 

Quote

Imagine someone took you to the movies and you enjoyed the film. You voluntarily went to accompany them, but you'd never have asked them "Hey, want to go watch that movie?" yourself.

This is another very relatable example for myself as well.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Snao Cone
11 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Someone (Snao, I think) once described on here how she enjoyed sex, when she did, and to me, as a sexual, it sounded like a lot of effort for not that much payoff. But it was enough for her call it 'enjoying', even though if it was me, I'd have no particular desire to keep doing it either.

Do you mean with strangers on vacation just to say I did it even though it was an overall mediocre experience? Yeah, I can't imagine someone with deep down sexual needs would be at all satisfied with my methods. I've grown out of that shtick anyway, as it didn't even cross my mind on vacation this year. The "enjoyable" part was just checking off a box or wearing a badge or however you want to put it. Experience points, not the actual experience.

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
5 hours ago, vega57 said:

Not true, either. 

 

I do things that doesn't exactly make me happy, but I do them because they're important to do. 

Sex was important to your marriage, as it turned out, wasn't it? 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
31 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Sex was important to your marriage, as it turned out, wasn't it? 

I wouldn't know.  In the first marriage, we weren't the "typical" couple, humping like rabbits.  I let him call the shots, and he didn't seem to be all that interested.  Oh, we had enough sex to have 2 children, but he really wasn't interested.  Wonder if him being an alcoholic had to do with anything (sarcasm). 

 

In my last marriage, my late husband couldn't get enough.  He wanted it three times a day.  No, wait...he wanted it MORE than that, but three times a day was "all" he could manage.  I wasn't thrilled about it, but I sure put on a good act. 

 

He was pretty controlling.  I left him after 9 years.  By that time, we only had sex ONCE in the last 5 years (I wasn't interested).  I realized that not only was I not interested in sex with him, but that I really wasn't interested in sex at all (except to have my children). 

 

My first marriage ended because he was an alcoholic.  The second ended because he was a lying, controlling, immature azzhole. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

I think you do know... Shouldn't people know what's important to their marriage, rather than just themselves? 

 

 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally
On 9/26/2017 at 3:02 PM, Moxie84 said:

@Homer If you enjoy something chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having it. Nobody that likes something is like "yay that was nice can't wait to never do that again."  And I do understand the you can like something and not do it or not want to do it for a variety of reasons. But your missing the point.

 

The difference doesn't matter because either way you can be ace. Coming on here and making general statements invalidating peoples sexuality isn't right. All I was trying to say was the comment she made doesn't match the definition of Asexuality and that liking sex or "being upset at the thought of not having it" doesn't make you any less ace. People come here for acceptance not to be invalidated.

Moxie, there is no settled "definition" of asexuality.  Some people consider that asexuality means you don't experience sexual attraction; some people consider it means you don't experience sexual desire.  The two are not identical; however, there are adherents to each.  Perhaps read more on AVEN before making such definitive statements.  And people come to AVEN both for acceptance and to learn from others' experiences and opinions.  

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think you do know... Shouldn't people know what's important to their marriage, rather than just themselves? 

 

 

I think I cared enough about the person or the marriage at first. Then the reality of the rest of my life sunk in.  I still care about my ex. But not enough to compromise on sex forever. I thought his desire would wane.  It didn't.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer
11 hours ago, vega57 said:

In the first marriage, we weren't the "typical" couple, humping like rabbits.

What makes you think that "humping like rabbits" is an average sexual couple experience?

 

This is totally nonsensical. They are average people, they go to work, they go shopping for groceries, they watch TV, they accidentally smash a plate every now and then, they're stuck in traffic jams, they cook, they visit their grandparents, they talk...

  • Like 5

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
18 minutes ago, Homer said:

What makes you think that "humping like rabbits" is an average sexual couple experience?

 

This is totally nonsensical. They arde average people, they go to work, they go shopping for groceries, they watch TV, they accidentally smash a plate every now and then, they're stuck in traffic jams, they cook, they visit their grandparents, they talk...

And...what's your point? 

 

Sorry, but the phrase "humping like rabbits" has been described by OTHER SEXUALS as THEIR experience in some of their relationships.  They often describe a "honeymoon phase" of their serious long-term relationships sexually as "humping like rabbits" for a period of time in the beginning of their relationship.  It does NOT mean that they want sex 24/7.....ALTHOUGH,  a number of them have told me that if they DIDN'T have to shop, or be stuck in traffic jams, they'd rather be having sex than doing anything else. 

 

They often expect that "phase" to continue for life. 

 

Look...sexuals want CONSISTENT sex.  And, as they describe it, they want it 'X' amount of times per week.  Not monthly.  Not semi-monthly, or semi-annually.  That's what "regular" sex is all about. 

 

I'm not being "nonsensical".  I'm relating what other SEXUALS have said or written. 

 

And it's not just a 'few' of them. 

 

If a sexual told you that he and his girlfriend or wife "humped like rabbits", you probably wouldn't tell him he was being "nonsensical". 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer

My point is that "humping like rabbits" isn't the average sexual couple's experience.

 

Yes, libido might spike way up during the "honeymoon phase", but you worded it as if this is the default setting for the average couple. Which, again, is nonsensical. A few times of sex per week is far from going at it like rabbits. It might look like a lot from an ace's POV, but it's a totally healthy, average experience. It doesn't stop them from living their actual, average daily life.

 

Oh and wouldn't you prefer to do something you actually like to being stuck in traffic jams or similar? I know I would, even though it certainly wouldn't be sex.

  • Like 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
58 minutes ago, Homer said:

My point is that "humping like rabbits" isn't an average sexual couple's experience.

And you know this....how? 

 

MOST couples who have sexual problems later on in their relationship as have LOTS of sex EARLY in their relationships.  Some say, "We were humping like rabbits".  Others say, "We were having sex several times a day EVERY day".  The point is, that it seems that the "average" couple DOES have a LOT of sex early in their relationship...

 

...only to dwindle off after "a time".  And ONE partner frequently expects the SAME level of sex throughout his/her LIFE from their partner. 

 

Quote

Yes, libido might spike way up during the "honeymoon phase", but you worded it as if this is the default setting for the average couple. Which, again, is nonsensical

 

Nonsensical?  I suggest you check out the states.  I'm sure you have google on your computer...

 

Quote

A few times of sex per week is far from going at it like rabbits. It might look like a lot from an ace's POV, but it's a totally healthy, average experience. It doesn't stop them from living their actual, average daily life.

Working out is "totally healthy", too.  The difference is, that with sex, you need a partner.  And often, you try to coerces, cry and beg to do this with a partner.  Is THAT "totally healthy"?  It would be like me crying and getting upset because my partner didn't want to got to the mall with me.  I mean....seriously? 

 

Quote

 Oh and wouldn't you prefer to do something you actually like to being stuck in traffic jams or similar? I know I would, even though it certainly wouldn't be sex

Oh geez....

 

You know, life is FULL of things we don't necessarily LIKE to do.  But, we do them anyway.  It's not a question of ..."wouldn't you rather....?"  If I'm stuck in a traffic jam, I'd rather NOT be stuck in a traffic jam....NOT that I'd rather be having sex. 

 

Life isn't about 'either-or' situations.  It's about making the best of what you have, and being GRATEFUL for what you have. 

 

If you're constantly looking for that 'next best thing', you'll never, ever be happy. 

 

Maybe you'd do well by reading Victor Frankl's book Man's Search For Meaning. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Homer
21 minutes ago, vega57 said:

And you know this....how? 

I know this by leaving the house, seeing tons of people not going at it like rabbits, but doing absolutely average people things. I know this by talking to sexual people who share their experiences. Sexual people are average people.

 

You didn't specify that you were talking about couples early in their relationships in the first place. Yes, most of them go through a honeymoon phase, involving more sexual activity than usual. Yes, sexual needs can change over time. That's undisputed. Yet that's not what you claimed. You literally wrote "we weren't the 'typical' couple, humping like rabbits." Which, again, is not the average couple's experience.

 

No idea what the workout example has to do with any of this. Yes, you need a partner to have sex. Yes, constantly begging for it (outside of a kinky play scenario) is an indicator for an unhealthy relationship. No disagreement. Yet nothing of this is related to the fact that a couple of times of sex per week is within an average, healthy range to have. That's what I said - nowhere did I include how you get to this amount. A couple of times a week is far from going at it like rabbits.

 

Stop moving the goal posts.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68
4 hours ago, alibali said:

I think I cared enough about the person or the marriage at first. Then the reality of the rest of my life sunk in.  I still care about my ex. But not enough to compromise on sex forever. I thought his desire would wane.  It didn't.

So kind of like a sexual thinking an asexual partner would become interested in sex after marriage then. 

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

"It would be like me crying and getting upset because my partner didn't want to got to the mall with me. "

 

For sexuals, a better analogy is feeling rejected because their spouse refuses to talk to them, won't allow them to talk to anyone else, and doesn't accept conversation is a valid thing to need. 

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali
9 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

So kind of like a sexual thinking an asexual partner would become interested in sex after marriage then. 

I can only speak for my own experience. I believed that sex was important to a relationship, so I did what I thought was best.  Knew nothing about asexuality.  Never had any "complaints" However I only believed it. I didn't know or feel its importance. Marriage or not.  Bit like losing your religion, believing rather than rather than knowing eventually can catch up with you...society becomes more enlightened.

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Well that enlightened society would sure it in a generation. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
alibali

It certainly has since I was young.  Asexuality seems to be acknowledged now. It may become acceptable in another generation. Because I only feel accepted by a very few people who know.

  • Like 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
23 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I think it comes down to how much someone enjoys it. Years ago, I went whitewater rafting and enjoyed it, but I've never had the urge to repeat it; some people can't enough though. I've always concluded they just enjoyed it more than me.

I'd agree with that. 

 

So, why can't the same thinking be applied to sex

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Because for most people it's very high on the list, I guess, and one of the reasons it's so good is the effect it has for their relationship. For any given other activity, there's just not the overwhelming consensus that it's  *that* good.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
vega57
17 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Because for most people it's very high on the list, I guess, and one of the reasons it's so good is the effect it has for their relationship. For any given other activity, there's just not the overwhelming consensus that it's  *that* good.

I wonder what the overwhelming consensus would be if people were taught early on, that they don't HAVE to like it or even do it, especially at a certain frequency. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Isn't that what the 'true love waits' campaigns are about, to an extent? At least, they focus on discouraging teenagers having sex. And they haven't been very successfu. l

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
GLRDT
1 minute ago, Telecaster68 said:

Isn't that what the 'true love waits' campaigns are about, to an extent? At least, they focus on discouraging teenagers having sex. And they haven't been very successfu. l

Yes but the rest of media still teaches something very different.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Telecaster68

Why does the media participate in this brain washing, if nobody's really interested otherwise? 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...