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alibali

This may explain why asexuals have sex

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)

Asexuals have sex for many reasons, they just don't have desire to have it for pleasure and would be happiest without it. Sexuals also have sex for many reasons, but at least sometimes it's because they actively desire the sex for sexual and/or emtional pleasure.. and in almost all cases, sexuals would be unhappy at the prospect of never being able to have sex again (whereas asexuals would be more than happy with that and actually prefer it that way) :)

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alibali

I am an asexual who used to have sex.

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Telecaster68

It's not actually 237 different reasons, it seems to be 237 responses to a survey. Many of them are the same thing, just in different words. 

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alibali

Yep but it shows that sex is not necessarily about desire or bonding or intimacy.

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Telecaster68

I don't think anyone's said it always is. It's just they're in the mix for sexuals, and a lot of those reasons are just other ways of describing desire, or intimacy, or bonding. 

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Serran
15 minutes ago, alibali said:

Yep but it shows that sex is not necessarily about desire or bonding or intimacy.

That is something most people I know are aware of. When a couple is trying to conceive and they have to go on the ovulation schedule instead of desire it's often a chore after a while, for example. 

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alibali

Every time was like the ovulation cycle.

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alibali

Asexuals do have sex willingly sometimes just not with the same desire or attraction.

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Sally
11 hours ago, alibali said:

Yep but it shows that sex is not necessarily about desire or bonding or intimacy.

Asexuals don't have sex for any of those reasons, since they don't associate sex with them.  

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Treesarepretty
3 hours ago, New display name said:

“203. The person had beautiful eyes”

 

...and I was so busy gazing at them that i tripped and fell into her crotch.

👍

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Nowhere Girl

And what about reasons NOT to have sex? There is always an other side of the coin. Myself, I have never had sex, but I can also see a (very) few items on the list which are comprehensible to me - yet they still wouldn't truly be any reason to have sex for me, because my reasons NOT to have sex are much stronger.

You know what? I'll create such a topic and let's see what people respond.

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alibali
8 hours ago, Sally said:

 

9 hours ago, Sally said:

Asexuals don't have sex for any of those reasons, since they don't associate sex with them.  

I did. I didn't know I was asexual till I was 52!! I thought it was normal to have sex and not have desire. I thought women had sex but didnt desire it or need to desire it. I thought it was a man thing and just something I had to do.  Pressure, wanting a significant other, wanting children, wanting security, wanting to make someone else happy. Societal pressure, social norms. All those things. I thought all or most women faked it for their man to be honest. And the women who wanted it must be sex mad!

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Sally

 

Alibali, this is what you said (the quotes on your post were a little screwed up so can't use them):  "Yep but it shows that sex is not necessarily about desire or bonding or intimacy."

 

And I said that asexuals don't have sex for those reasons.  You said you did, but the reasons you listed for having sex weren't any of those.  

 

But now I'm wondering if someone else said that, because of the quoting not working.

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alibali
1 hour ago, Sally said:

 

Alibali, this is what you said (the quotes on your post were a little screwed up so can't use them):  "Yep but it shows that sex is not necessarily about desire or bonding or intimacy."

 

And I said that asexuals don't have sex for those reasons.  You said you did, but the reasons you listed for having sex weren't any of those.  

 

But now I'm wondering if someone else said that, because of the quoting not working.

Ah, I think just got confused. Some of the other 237 responses ring true. 

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Homer

This has nothing to do with asexuals in particular. It's a list of reasons why people have sex.

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MrDane
On 25/9/2017 at 10:04 AM, FictoVore. said:

Asexuals have sex for many reasons, they just don't have desire to have it for pleasure and would be happiest without it. Sexuals also have sex for many reasons, but at least sometimes it's because they actively desire the sex for sexual and/or emtional pleasure.. and in almost all cases, sexuals would be unhappy at the prospect of never being able to have sex again (whereas asexuals would be more than happy with that and actually prefer it that way) :)

@FictoVore.? Are all asexuals more happy without sex? Or could some enjoy it, benefit from it? But still not have the need/urge to do it. Like apricot pie. Tastes great. I never think about it. My initial thought is meeh, not really! But having it once in a while sure is nice. 

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alibali

I was/am happier without sex. Ummm...occasionally it was ok or I enjoyed the affection, which helped make it more tolerable. It just feels so unnecessary!!  And irrelevant to whether I care for anyone or not.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
36 minutes ago, MrDane said:

@FictoVore.? Are all asexuals more happy without sex? Or could some enjoy it, benefit from it? But still not have the need/urge to do it. Like apricot pie. Tastes great. I never think about it. My initial thought is meeh, not really! But having it once in a while sure is nice. 

 

Controversial Opinion Time so easily triggered people should maybe not read this :P

 

Yes all asexuals would be happiest without having to have partnered sex, that's pretty much the main dividing factor between sexuals and asexuals. If someone says ''well, I wouldn't be happy at the prospect of never having partnered sex because I enjoy it enough to prefer to have it for pleasure under some circumstances, as opposed to never having it again'', then that person is no different than many other sexual people, regardless of what other factors are involved (like how or why they want sex with certain people over others.) I mean, Tele wouldn't be here if his wife was like that. He'd never even have begun to suspect she may have become functionally asexual, or was possibly asexual all along, if she preferred having sex to not having sex.

 

(this part relates most to your question) There is a big difference though between 'I enjoy sex sometimes when I have it' and 'I am made unhappy at the prospect of never having sex again'. Some asexuals can enjoy the sensations of sex, enjoy the benefits of having a happy sexual partner etc etc, but in the perfect world (like if they fell in love with another asexual) would be able to live a happily sexless life that may involve other forms of intimacy like cuddling, kissing, snuggling etc but it would just never lead to them choosing to have partnered sexual intimacy together.. because they wouldn't be any different from many sexual people if they desired and enjoyed sexual intimacy as an aspect of the love they have for each other, so there would be no need for a label like 'asexual'. Asexuals are happiest without partnered sex in their lives, even if they choose to have it for certain reasons like to get pregnant, to try to keep a sexual partner happy, to try to look 'normal' etc. 

 

I am sexual, but I actually wouldn't mind if I never have sex again if I never met another person I loved. It would be the love mainly I would miss and ache for, the sexual intimacy is just an aspect of that. Even that 'not minding' doesn't automatically make me asexual though because I wouldn't be happiest at the idea of never having sexual intimacy with another person. I just know that under some circumstances, with the right person, I could potentially enjoy certain sexual acts for pleasure to the extent I'd prefer to have them with a partner than not have them. That 'preference' to have those acts over not having them, enough to actively choose to have them for the sake of pleasure, that's enough to make me too sexual to ID as ace. I ID as very 'greyish' because actually physically having sex is something that I just am not fussed about.. it's connecting sexually with someone online that truly gets me excited and that I can really enjoy. IF that person turned out to be 'the one' and that led to us meeting, then yes I'm sure I could definitely enjoy aspects of physical sex with that person if my own genitals weren't stimulated by them, but online sex is much more my 'preference' and I would miss that if I was never able to have it again. That's still not asexual though, just because it's 'not exactly normal'.

 

'Not exactly normal' isn't unanimous with asexuality, but a lot of people on AVEN seem to assume it is. If someone has a preference to have partnered sexual intimacy for pleasure over NOT having it though, at least under some circumstances, that person would not be asexual.

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Moxie84

@FictoVore. Asexual just means you don't experience sexual attraction. You can't speak for other Ace's or invalidate there sexuality by saying because they like sex there not Ace. Its not for you to decide. Sex positive Asexual's exist and there just as valid as Sex Neutral and Repulsed Aces. The only factor in whether your ace or not is if you experience sexual attraction. "An asexual person is a person that does not experience sexual attraction" notice it says nothing about likes, dislikes, or actions. Its not a "controversial opinion" its misinformation. This isn't a place to make other people feel invalid.

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Homer
9 minutes ago, Moxie84 said:

 Asexual just means you don't experience sexual attraction. You can't speak for other Ace's or invalidate there sexuality by saying because they like sex there not Ace. Its not for you to decide. Sex positive Asexual's exist and there just as valid as Sex Neutral and Repulsed Aces. The only factor in whether your ace or not is if you experience sexual attraction. "An asexual person is a person that does not experience sexual attraction" notice it says nothing about likes, dislikes, or actions. Its not a "controversial opinion" its misinformation. This isn't a place to make other people feel invalid.

Please read again.

 

 

59 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

Some asexuals can enjoy the sensations of sex, enjoy the benefits of having a happy sexual partner etc etc,

and

59 minutes ago, FictoVore. said:

There is a big difference though between 'I enjoy sex sometimes when I have it' and 'I am made unhappy at the prospect of never having sex again'.

 

Nowhere did @FictoVore. say anything like "people who enjoy sex can't be asexual."

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Lichley
On 25/09/2017 at 8:46 PM, New display name said:

-

--

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Moxie84

@Homer If you enjoy something chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having it. Nobody that likes something is like "yay that was nice can't wait to never do that again."  And I do understand the you can like something and not do it or not want to do it for a variety of reasons. But your missing the point.

 

The difference doesn't matter because either way you can be ace. Coming on here and making general statements invalidating peoples sexuality isn't right. All I was trying to say was the comment she made doesn't match the definition of Asexuality and that liking sex or "being upset at the thought of not having it" doesn't make you any less ace. People come here for acceptance not to be invalidated.

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Telecaster68

So even if they're talking nonsense we should agree with them? 

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Homer
2 minutes ago, Moxie84 said:

People come here for acceptance not to be invalidated.

This is an educational website. Sometimes education includes telling people that they're wrong about something. This has nothing to do with invalidation or not being accepted - heck, I had my own misconceptions about the whole thing when I came here and boy did it hurt to learn that. Yet that didn't make me any less accepted on here (otherwise I'd have left long ago)

 

Yes, chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having sex if you enjoyed it. That's pretty common - and it's a great example for why asexuality is a really, really rare thing. There are asexuals who enjoy sex, but they wouldn't mind if they never had it again. Imagine someone took you to the movies and you enjoyed the film. You voluntarily went to accompany them, but you'd never have asked them "Hey, want to go watch that movie?" yourself.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, Moxie84 said:

@FictoVore. Asexual just means you don't experience sexual attraction. You can't speak for other Ace's or invalidate there sexuality by saying because they like sex there not Ace. Its not for you to decide. Sex positive Asexual's exist and there just as valid as Sex Neutral and Repulsed Aces. The only factor in whether your ace or not is if you experience sexual attraction. "An asexual person is a person that does not experience sexual attraction" notice it says nothing about likes, dislikes, or actions. Its not a "controversial opinion" its misinformation. This isn't a place to make other people feel invalid.

Homer's response covers what I would have said in reply to this, I think you misread me. :) 

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
47 minutes ago, Moxie84 said:

@Homer If you enjoy something chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having it. Nobody that likes something is like "yay that was nice can't wait to never do that again."  And I do understand the you can like something and not do it or not want to do it for a variety of reasons. But your missing the point.

 

The difference doesn't matter because either way you can be ace. Coming on here and making general statements invalidating peoples sexuality isn't right. All I was trying to say was the comment she made doesn't match the definition of Asexuality and that liking sex or "being upset at the thought of not having it" doesn't make you any less ace. People come here for acceptance not to be invalidated.

AVEN itself (in the General FAQ) defines sexual attraction as: The desire for partnered sexual contact with someone else. So what I'm saying doesn't go against that statement in any way.

 

Also, people are free to identify however they wish. I am talking about the overall difference between sexuals and asexuals, not how individuals choose to interpret that.

 

But if asexuals can be unhappy without sex in their lives then what's the point in having a term like 'asexuality' in the first place? 

 

I don't know how you're defining sexual attraction personally, but not all sexuals get a hard-on for particular attractive person and want to bang them because they look so good, or feel 'drawn to others sexually'. Sure some sexuals are like that but certainly not all. There are many reasons why sexual people have sex with other people and one of those many reasons is that they enjoy the pleasure they derive from partnered sex and would be unhappy without it in their life. That doesn't make them asexual though, I'm just trying to explain that sexuality can be experienced very differently from sexual to sexual.

 

However, someone is free to personally identify however they wish. I was initially just trying to clarify that there is a huge difference between 'being able to enjoy sex or benefit from it in some way' and 'being unhappy at the prospect of never having sex again'. Of course someone might miss sex if they enjoy it, which like Homer said, is one of the reasons why asexuality is so rare - Because even if an ace can enjoy sex, they won't miss it if they never have it again.

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alibali

Hmmm..I feel I'm missing something clearly important in life by not having any desire for partnered or otherwise sex, but as I don't really know what I am missing it doesn't make me unhappy that I am missing it...

Lolol if that makes sense.

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vega57
17 hours ago, Moxie84 said:

@Homer If you enjoy something chances are you would be unhappy at the thought of never having it. Nobody that likes something is like "yay that was nice can't wait to never do that again." 

There are plenty of things that I have enjoyed doing ONCE or TWICE, yet I've never done since, and have never even thought about doing for DECADES. 

 

Yet, I'm not "unhappy" at the thought of never doing them again. 

 

Just because we may enjoy an experience doesn't mean that we have the desire to repeat it over and over again, ESPECIALLY at a frequency of doing it so "often" , so it becomes a routine.  Yuck. 

 

 

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