ModestFox Posted December 14, 2020 Share Posted December 14, 2020 6 hours ago, AQuestioner said: Now imagine your current/former/ideal partner’s consciousness is somehow transferred to the body of this person you do not find attractive. Does that change anything for you? Would knowing what you know about the person you love be enough to overcome their new appearance? Or would sex with them and your feelings for them never be the same? I did this to try and test my orientation before. Don't know how much I can believe the result, but I tried to imagine my current partner as a woman, and I still feel the same towards her plus new opportunities ^ ^ For your experiment, I imagined my friend whom I've known for a while but never really ended up attracted to enough. It would be more strange than imagining my partner as a woman because I actually know that friend and it would cause some sort of cognitive dissonance. Even worse if I imagined him looking like my ex because that territory is full of bad memories and he'd hate it as much, so I guess it'd better be someone I hardly know. Since it wasn't appearance that made me fall in love with him (to some extent it was already despite some of his appearance), same as CBC, I guess, as long as the looks are not too off-putting. If most people only cared about looks, there would probably be a lot fewer people around and they would all be pretty... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TiffboBiff Posted December 15, 2020 Share Posted December 15, 2020 Heya Peeps! So yeah I have about a bazillion questions but obvs I’m gonna have to cut that down to just an important few. My husband is Asexual and it’s something he’s only recently been able to admit out loud and talk about more. I’m having a very tough time with it because I’m a highly sexual person. I’ve been able to handle things by myself with my box-o’-toys, but I’m finding that it’s not enough anymore. My husband realizes this and was the one to suggest an “open relationship” on my end (where I guess I just hook up with rando’s for sex?) 😳....both of us have a total of 0 clues how to handle something like this. We love each other very much and honestly, it’s like we’re soulmates minus sex ( can’t think of a better way to describe it). Thinking about not being together in the same house or ending our relationship gives him a panic attack. While I don’t get panic attacks, I do cry and get very sad thinking about us not being together since we’re tied to the hip in every other part of our lives. So I guess my first question is ...how have others handled situations like this? I mean, open relationships seem to have very rare occasions of working out. I don’t think i’d ever ask the question even in my BRAIN of “how do you legally hire a male prostitute once a month or so.?” It’s not like...something you can just google. I’m open and willing to try new things but I really never thought I’d be in this sort of relationship where it came to that? So yup....questions galore. Is there a better way to ask these sort of questions? I don’t even know if how I’m wording things can be seen as offensive or crass to someone here? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
krusk Posted December 16, 2020 Share Posted December 16, 2020 Greetings fellow life forms, unfortunately I am unable to answer the previous question in the thread but I have a question of my own. Hopefully this is the right place for it. I am currently wondering whether or not I am ace. the big thing that is making it hard for me to figure it out is that I do experience arousal in response to seeing sexual acts and when viewing scantily clad woman. I have no desire to take part in such sexual acts or to do anything with said scantily clad woman, but my body seems to respond to it. Question for allosexuals: is this experience consistent with what you experience when you view such things? Or is there some desire to participate that would make it sexual attraction that I am lacking? Appreciate any and all responses! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
2tired2function Posted December 16, 2020 Share Posted December 16, 2020 46 minutes ago, krusk said: Question for allosexuals: is this experience consistent with what you experience when you view such things? Or is there some desire to participate that would make it sexual attraction that I am lacking? Appreciate any and all responses! Hi, I thought I’d respond to this because I feel like I’ve/ am in a similar place. When I was in Highschool i dated a bit but it wasn’t until college that I had sex with my girlfriend at the time. And I remember feeling sorta negatively about the whole thing for the week following but at the time I didn’t really understand what I was feeling. It was only during my most recent relationship that it sort of got more unpacked. I found the whole thing really confusing because I masturbate and for the most part that’s fine and dandy but whenever another person gets added to the equation things start to go down hill. I think I spent a lot of time thinking that I hadn’t found the right person. I think that I’ve struggled with identifying as ace because even though I know there are ace people who have sex and it’s fine, I feel like I’m in some weird grey area where, conceptually I don’t really have a problem with it, but reality is a lot different. When it comes down to it asexuality has to do with sexual attraction. And while it’s often tied to things like sex or touch repulsion or aversion, they aren’t mutually exclusive. But as someone who’s been though the whole bandwagon of queer struggles I will say that everyone is going to experience sexuality differently. That we have these terms to help us, but it’s really such a broad category. We all will have different ways of experiencing things. I hope that sort of answered some of your questions at least! I’d also love to hear from people, especially if they share a similar experience. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
krusk Posted December 16, 2020 Share Posted December 16, 2020 7 hours ago, 2tired2function said: I found the whole thing really confusing because I masturbate and for the most part that’s fine and dandy but whenever another person gets added to the equation things start to go down hill. I think I spent a lot of time thinking that I hadn’t found the right person. I think that I’ve struggled with identifying as ace because even though I know there are ace people who have sex and it’s fine, I feel like I’m in some weird grey area where, conceptually I don’t really have a problem with it, but reality is a lot different. Yeah that is pretty much where I'm at now. In fairness I have never actually had sex and I dont have a desire to. I just think it's weird to call myself asexual while still finding enjoyment out of things that are obviously sexual. Really appreciate your response. 5 hours ago, CBC said: Re: desire to participate... I'd just say that if you never have any desire to participate in actual sex with actual people, that could potentially point towards asexuality. Some sexual people can get turned on by viewing porn or whatever that they may not actually want to recreate in real life, but what makes them sexual is that they do want to engage in some sort of sexual activity with other people. Personally I rarely fantasize about having sex and when I have it's a deliberate choice to do so. Like I tell myself to imagine a particular situation. In the past I did it cause I felt it was the kind of thing I ought to do, but I dont really feel an urge to do it. If the line is simply whether or not I want to have sex then i think I am asexual, again I just kind of think it's weird to be drawn to sexual things. Thank you very much for your response. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted December 18, 2020 Share Posted December 18, 2020 On 12/16/2020 at 3:37 AM, krusk said: Greetings fellow life forms, unfortunately I am unable to answer the previous question in the thread but I have a question of my own. Hopefully this is the right place for it. I am currently wondering whether or not I am ace. the big thing that is making it hard for me to figure it out is that I do experience arousal in response to seeing sexual acts and when viewing scantily clad woman. I have no desire to take part in such sexual acts or to do anything with said scantily clad woman, but my body seems to respond to it. Question for allosexuals: is this experience consistent with what you experience when you view such things? Or is there some desire to participate that would make it sexual attraction that I am lacking? Appreciate any and all responses! I dont personally have a response to sexual images really. My body may respond ? But, if so, I dont really notice. My brain and emotions dont care at all. If anything, it is off putting. My partner on the other hand... I get tingles and desire for her. No one else. But that came from loving her. Not really a thing I would feel for strangers. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
krusk Posted December 18, 2020 Share Posted December 18, 2020 7 minutes ago, Serran said: I get tingles and desire for her. Thank you very much for your response. I was wondering if you would be willing to elaborate on what you mean by this. I am trying to develop my understanding of what sexual attraction is and how others experience it. If you don't feel comfortable discussing it that is 100% fine as well. again thank you for your response. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
teetojen Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Question for Allosexuals: Do you think of sex just like on your own? Like do you think of it if it isn't mentioned in a conversation or whatever. And when you think of sex, what do you think of? Personally, when I think of sex, I just think like "Oh that's how people reproduce." Just that...no images, nothing. Idk kinda of a weird/odd question haha Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TurnedTurtle Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 Do you think of sex just like on your own? Yes, I often am thinking about sex, and I mean often! And when you think of sex, what do you think of? I think of how good it would feel and how much fun, enjoyment, satisfaction, fulfillment, bonding, and love I would get, and could give to my partner. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted January 23, 2021 Share Posted January 23, 2021 @teetojen I’d categorize “thinking about sex” (which I do) as more abstractly in the category of “planning or imagining things I’d enjoy” — more specifically, in a social sense. For example, in a positive sense, akin to planning to do something with or for someone that I hope makes them feel happy, have fun, or feel better if they’re unhappy. Planning can involve imagining specific actions, and imagining reactions (like imagining someone’s happiness when planning a gift or party for them). So, yes, it could involve a sense of visual imagination, or imagining sensations like touch, but that’s happening within the broader sense of imagining the thing I’m “planning” or wanting to have. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
firebird8 Posted February 5, 2021 Share Posted February 5, 2021 On 12/14/2020 at 8:49 PM, TiffboBiff said: Heya Peeps! So yeah I have about a bazillion questions but obvs I’m gonna have to cut that down to just an important few. My husband is Asexual and it’s something he’s only recently been able to admit out loud and talk about more. I’m having a very tough time with it because I’m a highly sexual person. I’ve been able to handle things by myself with my box-o’-toys, but I’m finding that it’s not enough anymore. My husband realizes this and was the one to suggest an “open relationship” on my end (where I guess I just hook up with rando’s for sex?) 😳....both of us have a total of 0 clues how to handle something like this. We love each other very much and honestly, it’s like we’re soulmates minus sex ( can’t think of a better way to describe it). Thinking about not being together in the same house or ending our relationship gives him a panic attack. While I don’t get panic attacks, I do cry and get very sad thinking about us not being together since we’re tied to the hip in every other part of our lives. So I guess my first question is ...how have others handled situations like this? I mean, open relationships seem to have very rare occasions of working out. I don’t think i’d ever ask the question even in my BRAIN of “how do you legally hire a male prostitute once a month or so.?” It’s not like...something you can just google. I’m open and willing to try new things but I really never thought I’d be in this sort of relationship where it came to that? So yup....questions galore. Is there a better way to ask these sort of questions? I don’t even know if how I’m wording things can be seen as offensive or crass to someone here? I don't know if others have handled this the way you're describing. However, I do know there are plenty of people who are in non monogamous/poly relationships, even ones that are long term and stable. I even know someone who is nonbinary biromantic demisexual and poly. You can have a regular partner, if you aren't interested in random hookups. But there's no reason you have to actually do that if it isn't what you want. If you want to find out more about it, I would actually suggest approaching it from the other end. Here's a link to an article written by someone I know and trust (although it's fairly old and to clear, they are trans and have changed their name, but that doesn't change the content which is good): https://the-orbit.net/heinous/2016/12/22/answers-skepticon-polyamory-panel-questions/#more-52027 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
HumanBeing26 Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
uhtred Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 7 minutes ago, HumanBeing26 said: Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction? Lots of people with lots of different feelings. For myself the two are sort of wrapped together. My feelings of sexual and romantic attraction tend to be combined. So for me hiring a prostitute has no attraction because sex without more of a connection isn't interesting. Given how many people do hire prostitutes, I have to assume that their feelings are different from mine. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Destranix Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 10 minutes ago, HumanBeing26 said: Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction Let's say, sometimes I see a person and that person simply is sexual attractive. No more information than parts of their visual apperance and they tell my brain that I like this parts. The diffrence to romantic attraction is, that romantic attraction happens with more kind of consiousness and not just somehow automatic. I guess it's more hard to differe it from aesthetical attraction. I guess the only real diffrence to aesthetical attraction is, that sexual attraction is a subpart of it choosen by some development process. That development process than also leads to diffrent kinds of favors, like some persons like males, some femals, some whateverelse. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 4 hours ago, uhtred said: 4 hours ago, HumanBeing26 said: Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction? Lots of people with lots of different feelings. For myself the two are sort of wrapped together. My feelings of sexual and romantic attraction tend to be combined. So for me hiring a prostitute has no attraction because sex without more of a connection isn't interesting. Given how many people do hire prostitutes, I have to assume that their feelings are different from mine. Yeah I'm seconding uhtred on this. They're connected for me. It's easy enough for me to identify more when I'm in a romantic mood with my partner than a sexual one (although they veryyyyy easily blend together; we had an, er, sexual interaction earlier -- it's currently long-distance, so not exactly full-on sex, but... close enough lol -- and it just started with being romantic before getting sexual and then ended up very sappy again afterwards, haha). But personally I don't really care for one completely independent of the other. I've had some very minor sexual interactions essentially void of romance, and I don't really like the emotions that come with that for me. And I've been in a long-term relationship with someone who's asexual, and my ability to maintain any sort of romantic interest in that person died out because the ability to connect sexually just wasn't happening. If I express some sort of sentiment that someone is 'hot' (a random person I don't really know, a celebrity, whatever), that's technically sexual attraction, yes, but I don't know them well enough to feel anything romantic for them and to me that experience doesn't feel anything like the sexual desire I feel for someone I know personally (i.e., someone with whom I'm in a relationship, or at least with whom I'd genuinely like to pursue a relationship). I don't sexually fantasise about random hot people because it's really just not interesting to me and my brain pretty much can't even conjure what that might be like. It holds no appeal. I don't get turned on for sure. So I'm basically just acknowledging that they're physically attractive and that's the end of it. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ryn2 Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 I think the key point is... there is no single, homogenous experience. Not for all sexual people, or all greys, or all aces. That’s part of what leads to all the terminology wars. Different people experience things... differently. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
iff Posted February 25, 2021 Share Posted February 25, 2021 7 hours ago, HumanBeing26 said: Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction? I remember a marraige celebrant at a wedding saying that The ancient Greeks had 6 different words to differentiate various differences in love or attraction 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 13 hours ago, iff said: I remember a marraige celebrant at a wedding saying that The ancient Greeks had 6 different words to differentiate various differences in love or attraction Or eight, maybe... (Excuse the godawful pinkness of this image. 😂) 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Acerna Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 1 hour ago, CBC said: (Excuse the godawful pinkness of this image. 😂) You are excused for the horrendous color scheme but thanked for the post of the words! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted February 26, 2021 Share Posted February 26, 2021 22 hours ago, HumanBeing26 said: Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction? I can experience sexual attraction without limerence, but limerence (being “in love”) has always come with sexual attraction. So far my strongest long term “philia” experiences have only been with people I experienced limerence with, and sexual attraction remains. (Limerence has seemed like a method for finding best friends that isn’t doing much for my sex life. 😂) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Virelai Posted March 2, 2021 Share Posted March 2, 2021 (edited) On 2/25/2021 at 10:09 AM, HumanBeing26 said: Question: can allos tell the difference between romantic attraction and sexual attraction or does it just feel like one kind of attraction? My sexuality is complicated as I've noted on this forum, but with that said, I definitely can separate romantic attraction from sexual attraction. In fact, it happens where I get romantic attraction before sexual attraction quite often (relative to how many times I actually fall for someone lol). I've never known romantic attraction to form for someone that I was first sexually attracted to, so I don't tend to value sexual attraction. Edited March 2, 2021 by Virelai Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ferocia Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 Hi! I’m an ace writer and I have no clue how to write sexual attraction as I have no background. I just don’t understand the concept. Is it more like you want to see someone’s private areas and have sec or just an appreciation of someone’s assets. Thank you! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 Errr... for me it's based on liking someone's personality and developing a particular dynamic with them that's more than platonic, which leads to desiring sex. I can look at people and think they're attractive, but that doesn't automatically mean I want to do The Sex with them. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Morays Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 12 hours ago, Ferocia said: Hi! I’m an ace writer and I have no clue how to write sexual attraction as I have no background. I just don’t understand the concept. Is it more like you want to see someone’s private areas and have sec or just an appreciation of someone’s assets. Thank you! Not a sexual person here, but my recommendation would be to read autobiographical essays and books that deal with sexuality, from as many different people and perspectives as you can. Sexuality's a huge, diverse, complex, and messy topic, and there's definitely no one single way to write about it -- learning from other people's experiences is the best way you can start to unravel it. I will also say that from everything I've ever read and heard, wanting sex with someone has vastly more to do with the person themselves than their privates or "assets" or what have you. Some people are very visually driven, yes, but others aren't. Some sex is purely for self-gratification and/or a quick high, some is perfunctory and businesslike, some is thrilling and adventure-seeking, and some is deeply intimate and and borne of a desire to share something meaningful with someone you love. There's no single way that it happens (or should happen, for that matter.) 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Morning glory at night Posted April 11, 2021 Share Posted April 11, 2021 I am new at all theses different sexually attractions. I never really am sexually attracted to anyone unless I like them first. And then they usually start it. But I do enjoy it alone and with them but that’s not what brings me to them in the first place so what is that? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TurnedTurtle Posted April 11, 2021 Share Posted April 11, 2021 It sounds like you could be some version of (or a combination of) either (1) "demisexual," meaning that you don't experience sexual attraction to other people unless you've already established an intense emotional attachment with them, and/or (2) "sex-positive asexual," meaning you don't experience sexual attraction to other people but do enjoy sex once it is has been initiated. A related term that might apply could be "responsive desire?" While labels can be helpful, I think what is ultimately important is open and honest communication with your relationship partners about your respective expectations, capabilities, and boundaries. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
think123 Posted April 11, 2021 Share Posted April 11, 2021 The feelings are inherently associated with the action. By way of example, while we all were fed growing up, it’s doubtful we remember the initial associations of food to satiation and so the two seem inherently linked. We think of food when hungry, and we get hungry when we see delicious food. It’s similar with sex. Even as a virgin, the sexual feelings occur simultaneously with noticing or thinking about, or causes thoughts about, a sexual partner and the knowledge at least feels inherent. The question, if I’m reading it right, is something along the lines of “how do you know you’re happy”? Or sad, or any feeling. It could be deep association or the knowledge of the significance of the feeling could be innate, and I lean towards innate. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jul1an Posted April 19, 2021 Share Posted April 19, 2021 I'm not sure this is the right place, but sexual people experience sexual attraction always/very often? Before identifying myself in the ace area, I thought thinking at sex that often was some kind of perversion, so now it's kinda hard to understand how it works for sexual people. It's like, every time my partner looks at me he thinks at me in a sexual way? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Morays Posted April 19, 2021 Share Posted April 19, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, jul1an said: I'm not sure this is the right place, but sexual people experience sexual attraction always/very often? I'm not sexual, but no, I've never heard a sexual person articulate it that way, either on AVEN or elsewhere. Virtually no one thinks about sex all the time, even people with very active sex lives. [Edit: realized you meant in the context of a relationship. Deferring to CBC's answer on that one.] Edited April 19, 2021 by SocialMorays Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ceebs Posted April 19, 2021 Share Posted April 19, 2021 20 minutes ago, jul1an said: I'm not sure this is the right place, but sexual people experience sexual attraction always/very often? Ummm... I don't know how to answer this exactly. In the context of a relationship (which appears to be what you're thinking of), mutual sexual attraction is generally an established thing that's part of the connection you have with someone, but it definitely doesn't mean that every time you think of/speak to/look at your partner, you think of sex. Plus people have widely varying levels of interest in sex. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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