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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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Traveler40
3 hours ago, uhtred said:

I generally think of 3 categories:

1) things I like

2) things I don't know if I'd like

3) things I know I don't like (even if I haven't tried them).

Such clear breakdowns have so much fault when considering sex in my opinion.  Every partner brings new, sometimes unconsidered, variables. Flexibility of mind is critical.

 

There are so many “go to” sensual experiences I have today that would have fallen under # 3 by default a few years ago.   Perception, lack of experience, fear of the unknown, baseless judgment and inhibitors can all work against you. Keeping an open mind can be happily life altering.

 

At my age and point on the learning curve, unless it’s extreme, I’ll try most things once before having an opinion.  Early on I recall depositing many things my lover spoke about into bucket 3 by default. (A PG example of this is “licking”. Initially I felt grossed out by the thought and how it was presented. “What?”,  “Why?” and “no way” all came to mind.  Then, I allowed him his moment. Ohhhhhh, my God! Now, I know why. Yes, please, and thank you!)

 

So yeah, I’ve learned to go with the unfamiliar. It can be an expansion of self in the end.

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Kimchi Peanut
2 hours ago, Homer said:

Okay so this does fly in here :D

 

*notes*

 

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ryn2
2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Such clear breakdowns have so much fault when considering sex in my opinion.

I don’t personally see it as a fixed list to engrave on a plaque and hang over the bed... to me it’s something that’s true at a given point in time, but may (will?) change over time, from partner to partner, etc.

 

That said, there are still some things I know from similar experience are just a hard no.  For example, I am a bit claustrophobic and turn into a raging freak if someone tries to immobilize me.  I can suppress it and just have a quiet, miserable, garden-variety panic attack when I have to - like, to get an MRI - but I’m not an adrenaline junkie so any hardcore bondage in a sexual (or non-sexual BDSM) setting just isn’t going to be fun for me.  Games where I agree to stay still and pretend the ties around my arms and legs can hold me?  Sure.  But something I really can’t get out of on my own and may seriously injure myself or someone else trying... no thanks.

 

Same goes for things that make me nauseated (I dislike that strongly enough that the risk of it would ruin whatever for me) and things that carry much risk of significant injury.

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Traveler40
6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

I don’t personally see it as a fixed list to engrave on a plaque and hang over the bed... to me it’s something that’s true at a given point in time, but may (will?) change over time, from partner to partner, etc.

Exactly. I’ve learned it changes and things that once would have been a hard “no” given my mindset of yesteryears have become “please, yes, always!”’ today. 

 

6 hours ago, ryn2 said:

there are still some things I know from similar experience

So yes, you basically tried and understand your hard limits better. That’s more #2 than #3 in my mind which goes to the point. 
 

I’m not kinky in the ways you describe so can’t speak to that from experience, but I would try most anything my lover felt like doing as I’ve learned it can be just that worth it.

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Serran
1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

Exactly. I’ve learned it changes and things that once would have been a hard “no” given my mindset of yesteryears have become “please, yes, always!”’ today. 

 

So yes, you basically tried and understand your hard limits better. That’s more #2 than #3 in my mind which goes to the point. 
 

I’m not kinky in the ways you describe so can’t speak to that from experience, but I would try most anything my lover felt like doing as I’ve learned it can be just that worth it.

I tried a lot of things in my past relationships and made this list of hard nos (kinky and vanilla things). And... got with my current partner and found all my hard nos with others didn't exist with her. It's weird how comfort levels make things that seemed awful become suddenly not. 

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MrDane

@Serran and @Traveler40? Are you talking about ‘okay sexual activities in a mixed realtionship’? Or how to evolve it, whilst one not being that into it?

 

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Serran
3 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Serran and @Traveler40? Are you talking about ‘okay sexual activities in a mixed realtionship’? Or how to evolve it, whilst one not being that into it?

 

Well, I was just commenting on how the like / dont like / dont mind list is not really a thing that held up for me, despite experience. I have activities I absolutely hated and swore to never, ever do because ew and blah ... that I kinda like doing with my partner. When we first started figuring things out we did one of those check list consent things and it was ... totally inaccurate when we began doing things in practice. So, for me, the list varies by partner more than just I tried this I dont like it. 

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ryn2
6 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

you basically tried and understand your hard limits better. That’s more #2 than #3 in my mind

Not really?  I know from general life experience in many cases (#3) and from trying and not liking (#2) in others.

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Traveler40
6 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Serran and @Traveler40? Are you talking about ‘okay sexual activities in a mixed realtionship’? Or how to evolve it, whilst one not being that into it?

 

I was just generally commenting on sexual relationships and observations I’ve made. Experiences and desire will vary from relationship to relationship.  
 

Frankly, I don’t have any sexual relations within my mixed marriage, and with the exception of one try gone wrong years ago, my husband and I haven’t had sex in over 11 years or so. Sex simply is not part of our mixed relationship equation. Neither is romance for that matter. We are, essentially, in a QPR.

 

Three years ago, I settled on a partner with whom I outsource all sex and romance in my life. We are still going strong, and it‘s that experience from which I speak.

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cupid69
On 2/21/2020 at 9:33 PM, Traveler40 said:

Perception, lack of experience, fear of the unknown, baseless judgment and inhibitors can all work against you. Keeping an open mind can be happily life altering.

All very well but it takes two to tango so it really doesn't matter who or what you think or what to do as it all depends on the other person wanting to as well.

😶

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bikingbed

How do you recognize you're romantically attracted?

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Philip027
32 minutes ago, bikingbed said:

How do you recognize you're romantically attracted?

What do you see as romantic?

Do you desire those things with anyone in particular?

 

If yes -- congrats, you are romantically attracted to them

If no -- congrats, you are not

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anisotrophic
5 hours ago, bikingbed said:

How do you recognize you're romantically attracted?

Love is used to refer to diverse things...

 

In general “being in love” is a temporary state, with a set of unavoidable & intrusive emotions experienced — you can read about “limerence”. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

 

Interpersonal love, however, does not require experiencing that strong state of passion — nor does that state mean enduring love will exist — love can be companionate & similar to friendship. See, for example: 

Color wheel theory: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Color_wheel_theory_of_love

Triangular theory: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love

 

My sense is that people that characterize themselves as “romantic” are experiencing limerence, but it’s really up to the person how to interpret their own experiences!

 

As for “romance”, I’d say it’s a set of social constructs... generally associated with “being in love”... but lots of people that experience love in various forms aren’t interested in the stereotypical expressions of it.

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