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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread


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I’m sure, like many other things, it depends on the person and where they are in life.  Some people (regardless of orientation) think about sex very often, others think about it rarely, and everything in between.  Some people experience attraction to their partners every time they see/hear/etc. them, some don’t.

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A for Anonymous

Hi, everyone!

 

I'm questioning my own sexuality or lack thereof at the moment and would like some input from sexuals to compare my experiences against their own. Basically, I always conflated aesthetic and sensual attraction with sexual attraction, and only when investigating more deeply into the ace spectrum I found out that when people talk about sexual attraction, they mean they want to have sex with that person which is a completely foreign concept for me. So I got curious on whether other terms I have used my whole life and that have no sexual association for me are actually sexually charged for sexual people. I would appreciate input.

 

1. What do you mean when you say someone is "hot"? For me, it was a way to express someone with a conventionally attractive body/supermodel looks, as opposed to someone I found to be cute or handsome. Ex: Paul Rudd/Elle Fanning are cute because they have a pleasing face while Chris Hemsworth/Scarlett Johansson are hot because they have supermodel faces and bodies. Do you use this term in that manner, or does it have a sexual connotation for you?

 

2. What do you refer to when say "crush"? For me, a crush is someone who captivates me personality-wise enough for me to be interested in them romantically. Cue the daydreaming and nervousness and all of that. But I've seen so many aces who claim to be romantic say that they don't understand how sexual people can have crushes that I'm not sure if I've been using the term incorrectly my whole life lol.

 

3. What do you mean with "celebrity crush"? I use this term to refer to a celebrity that I find aesthetically attractive and/or whose personality and work I like. I never thought about banging them, though - is this the same for you, or does the celebrity crush has a sexual connotation as well? If it is sexual, does that mean that when pre-teens have celebrity crushes they are developing sexual feelings for them? For me it's odd to think that my 10-11 year old friends and sister could be meaning that at such a young age because it was never the case for me, but please enlighten me.

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TurnedTurtle

For me, "hot" definitely relates to sexual attraction, as in there is something about the person's appearance, the shape of their body, or perhaps the way they carry themselves, that strongly appeals to me at a primal (sexual) level. I think the reason why "conventionally attractive body/supermodel looks" are considered conventionally attractive or of supermodel status is because most people are sexual and find those bodies/looks "hot" in the sense that I describe.  But it makes sense to me that an asexual person might be culturally conditioned to think of these bodies/looks as "hot" even though they might not experience the same primal attraction.

 

"Cute" does not necessarily carry any sexual connotation, but it is also not necessarily mutually exclusive  from "hot" if that makes any sense. Babies, puppies, kittens are cute (adorable) but not hot, but somebody who is hot could also be cute.

 

"Crush" is, to me, more of a romantic term -- as you say, there is something about the person that causes me to be interested in them, cue the day-dreaming, etc...  But this is not mutually exclusive from sexual attraction -- I could crush on somebody who I find to be hot although they would need to have some other attractive characteristic as well. However, as an adult sexual person, it is unlikely that I would crush on somebody who did not have any sexual appeal to me -- they might not be "hot" (extremely sexually attractive) but I think I would still need to feel sexually attracted to them as some level in order to really have a crush on them. Obviously for the pre-pubescent, crushes don't involve sexual attraction, at least not in the way that we think about it as adults.

 

Certainly, I think crush can also be used in other ways/connotations that might not involve sex or romance at all -- as a guy, I'm thinking of things like  bro-mance or man-crush, where its not about romance or sex but simply a strong desire to have a relationship/friendship with another man.

 

One thing about the term crush is that it is about desire -- desire to have a relationship, that either does not exist yet or that is just a fledging relationship, or the desire to turn an acquaintance relationship into something more. Because you may not know the person all that well, imagination plays an important role in crush development.

 

FWIW, I find it odd that asexuals might think it is not possible for allosexuals to experience crushes?

 

Celebrity Crush is just a crush that happens to be on a celebrity, as opposed to somebody that you know of and see around in real life. Because you've possibly never seen this person in real life and are only aware of them because of their celebrity, I think these crushes can sometimes take on an ethereal quality.

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Everything @TurnedTurtle said is accurate for me as well. Genuinely nothing additional to say. Which is impressive given my ability to be long-winded. 😂

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I've never called someone "hot" in my life. But, for me it just means ... recognize they are attractive to most (traditionally attractive) even if not to me. Only person I find attractive is the person I am with, everyone else falls off the radar when I'm in a relationship. And... never been into looks so even when single don't care about how someone looks.  *shrug* I may find someone attractive cause they work with dog shelters, or did something super kind, or interesting. Others have primary sexual attraction based on looks though, so I know they mean that when they say it. 

 

Crush... for me it develops from knowing someone (since im very into personality) and if I nurture it, can quickly turn to a strong bond. It is just the initial romantic appeal to someone. I can crush it and it will die, or nurture it if a relationship is possible and then I tend to fall hard. 

 

Celebrity crush... dont get those. Celebs never show us their true selves, so you never get to know them and thus impossible for me to be into someone I don't know. But, imagine it's the romantic appeal thing but on celebs. 

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anisotrophic

1. I don’t really use … “hot” … I might notice a guy as “cute” or “attractive”, do a double take. Since T I’ve had women catch my eye too (confusing!). It might draw me to someone a bit, but it doesn’t connect much to sexual fantasies. My sexuality is a far more related to an individual’s personality and our interpersonal connection.

 

2. I use the word “crush” to refer to early stages of “limerence” emotions. Being drawn to an individual, thinking about them. I can see that this could be without sexual feelings, but it’s generally included that for me.

 

3. The whole concept of celebrity crush seems weird to me. I’m drawn to people I feel like I know.

 

Context: AFAB NB in my 40s, on T ~21 months now, never identified as ace, historically androsexual and first sexually active at 18. I can count lifetime sexual partners on my hands, but I’d need both of them.

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Yeah I don't actually have celebrity crushes much at all, and they're very mild and not of much significance to me. I totally understand what they are and that some people seem to get very caught up in them, but that's never been me. I can't develop significant interest in people I don't know. Other girls going nuts over actors and pop stars seemed a bit ridiculous to me even as a teenager. And that's also the reason I find it impossible to relate to crushes on things like imaginary people or cartoon characters.

 

Although interestingly, I had a very large cast of imaginary friends as a kid. Pets, too. And as an only child who often felt lonely, I made up an imaginary sister who meant a lot to me haha. I celebrated her birthday. And I put up a stocking for her at Christmas lol, which genuinely wasn't a ploy for extra presents, although my mum would still put little knickknacks in it anyway. I miss the imagination I had as a child... I think depression and stress has killed a lot of it off.

 

But yeah I have absolutely no ability to have sexual or romantic interest in anyone who's not real. Those feelings require an attraction that's the result of an interpersonal dynamic... the way they act towards you, the way you fit together... and imaginary characters don't have that ability. There's not the same feedback loop.

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A for Anonymous

@TurnedTurtle, @Ceebs., @Serran and @anisotrophic, thank you all so much for your replies! They have given me a better perspective and let me see how some of the uses of these terms resonate with the way I've been using them and other do not.

 

16 hours ago, TurnedTurtle said:

FWIW, I find it odd that asexuals might think it is not possible for allosexuals to experience crushes?

More than it's not possible, they can't understand while an allosexual would have a crush on somebody else. Which seemed to imply that these aces (who saw themselves as romantic) believed crushes to be of a sexual nature, which wasn't the concept I had in mind. While, as you say, there can be (and there actually are more often than not) sexual components in a crush, I don't think they're intrinsecally related either.

10 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Yeah I don't actually have celebrity crushes much at all, and they're very mild and not of much significance to me. I totally understand what they are and that some people seem to get very caught up in them, but that's never been me. I can't develop significant interest in people I don't know. Other girls going nuts over actors and pop stars seemed a bit ridiculous to me even as a teenager. And that's also the reason I find it impossible to relate to crushes on things like imaginary people or cartoon characters.

I can relate to most of these. I think I mostly use the "celebrity crush" term because it is the expression that everyone uses that feels closest to my feelings when there is a celebrity I find talented and sometimes aesthetically appealing. So to give an example, I can say I have a crush on a singer because he's cute, I like his music, he seems like a cool guy from his attitude in concerts and he is a low profile celeb (I really can't stand attention seeking celebs, I like when they're chill and shine because of their merits and not their headlines). So basically, it's a mix of aesthetic attraction and respect for their work first and public persona second, although as Serran says that probably isn't their true personality. But even as a teenager I was never able to understand the whole culture of obsessing over a celebrity, or over anyone for that matter but especially over someone you don't even know. It's truly ridiculous.

 

However, I do relate to having crushes on fictional characters, but that's usually because in fiction there is a narrative for said character's feelings, values and actions that make them feel closer to a real person than the regular celeb would. So while I don't write fanfics of said character declaring their undying love for me, I declare myself guilty of having had a (milder) crush on a fictional character more than once 😅

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6 hours ago, A for Anonymous said:

More than it's not possible, they can't understand while an allosexual would have a crush on somebody else. Which seemed to imply that these aces (who saw themselves as romantic) believed crushes to be of a sexual nature, which wasn't the concept I had in mind.

I'm confused. These asexuals think that crushes are sexual (and they certainly can and often do have a sexual component to them), but then don't understand why sexual people would have crushes? Am I reading something wrong here? Because that doesn't make any sense.

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A for Anonymous
14 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

I'm confused. These asexuals think that crushes are sexual (and they certainly can and often do have a sexual component to them), but then don't understand why sexual people would have crushes? Am I reading something wrong here? Because that doesn't make any sense.

Trust me, I was also confused. That's why I came here to make sure whether I was missing something.

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  • 2 months later...
one_secular_sparrow

random question -- do allosexual people think about their partner's bodies a lot? at all? is your overall attraction connected to attraction to their body?

 

I'm ace and I'm just realizing that I literally never think about my partner's body, it just doesn't cross my mind much. I think I've always been more attracted by who they are, how well we get along, ect. 

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17 hours ago, one_secular_sparrow said:

random question -- do allosexual people think about their partner's bodies a lot? at all? is your overall attraction connected to attraction to their body?

'Sexual' works, I don't like being called 'allosexual'.

 

People vary. A lot. I've never really thought about a partner's body much outside of when we're actually engaging sexually, and then it's appealing to me because it's theirs specifically. But then I honestly don't really experience any significant draw to anyone's physicality other than their face. I can find facial features quite attractive, but bodies as a whole just aren't very interesting to me. I don't check random people out in a way that has anything to do with my sexuality. If I'm in the mood for sexytimes, my partner being naked can turn me on because of a combination of the fact that it's him specifically, there's an intimacy to it, and I'm already thinking about sex, but independently of that type of situation with someone I'm already attracted to... meh.
 

And no, I'm not demisexual. That's not demisexuality. And yes, there are sexual people who are different than I am and think about/pay attention to bodies more than I do.

 

Oh and porn can arouse me too, but it's not because I particularly care about the bodies of the people involved at all. It's because I'm watching them engage in sexual activity and the acts can be a turn-on.

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TurnedTurtle
6 hours ago, one_secular_sparrow said:

random question -- do allosexual people think about their partner's bodies a lot? at all? is your overall attraction connected to attraction to their body?

Yes, I think about her body a lot, and it is part of my overall attraction to her (but not all of it by a long shot).

 

For me, some level of physical aesthetic attraction seems to be a necessary pre-requisite for me to feel sexual attraction.

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Hi there, a family member just came out to me as ACE, and I want to be an allt, so have been looking around! For me, sexual attraction has to do with smell, sense if humor, eye contact, some shared sensibility about life, and a strong emotional connection.  I often am not sure until the first real kiss. The sexual attraction can also go away if the emotional connection gets squirrely, or I find out they aren't quite who I thought. Sometimes I am just kind of "done" and I don't want to be sexual anymore. Sexual attraction is a warm, tingly feeling of wanting to be as close physically as possible.  But it is also fraught with a lot of complications and sexual attraction isn't always "smart" and can lead to some really bad decisions.  I have been celibate for about 3 years now, and my life has been super peaceful!!  Hope that helps...

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On 12/21/2005 at 7:58 AM, Eta Carinae said:

I've got a question!

What's sexual attraction like? I've asked this question to a few other people, and it seems like when I do get a reply, half the time they're describing sensations that don't seem (on their face) to have much to do with sex -- they get weak at the knees, or things like that. If this is the case with you, could you describe how those sensations tie in to sex? In other words, if you know you're attracted to someone because you get weak in the knees, how did you originally realize that that sensation was sexual attraction?

Thanks.

Sexual attraction is a desire or even a craving to be sexual, except the craving does not go away even if satisfied temporarily. It’s like eating your favorite food, but still wanting your favorite food after you ate it.

 

 Sexual attraction and sexual desire are not the same thing. Attraction does not wane. Sexual desire can be temporarily satisfied, but the attraction is still there.

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what does kissing feel like? cause when I imagine it it just seems like mashing lips together and I don’t understand the appeal. what does it feel like on a physical and emotional level?

 

also what do you think about while kissing somebody?

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On 9/13/2021 at 7:55 AM, Cobaltblue said:

what does kissing feel like? cause when I imagine it it just seems like mashing lips together and I don’t understand the appeal. what does it feel like on a physical and emotional level?

 

also what do you think about while kissing somebody?

I'm a straight male, but (mostly due to being horribly shy) I was late teens before I ever kissed a girl.   It didn't seem all that interesting before I tried it - but it was really  nice.  I can't actually describe why it was - but it was.  Not suggesting its nice for everyone or that people should "try it" it or anything - just that the sensation was much nicer than I had expected.   

 

I'm not thinking any particular thoughts when kissing someone - its just nice - cuddly and arousing at the same time.  For me its definitely a sexual act - I couldn't just kiss someone casually. 

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one_secular_sparrow
On 9/13/2021 at 10:55 AM, Cobaltblue said:

what does kissing feel like?

I'm ace and have been in a relationship for 2 years. And... yeah it's kind of just mashing lips together. Sometimes I get kind of grossed out by it. But sometimes I'm feeling more into the sensual side of things, and I end up liking it. It can be kind of soothing, and there is a rhythm to it after a while that adds to that effect. I mean, the mildly-grossed-out part of my brain is always there but there are times when it's a very small part. 

 

On am emotional level... Well, if I'm not feeling into it, then it's kind of boring for me. I just kind of feel it out and wait until it's over, and think about things like any other moment of my life I'd be thinking about random things. If I am into it, then it does make me feel more close to my partner, and lends to a sense of trust and intimacy.

 

Hope that helps a bit

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On 5/29/2021 at 5:30 PM, A for Anonymous said:

1. What do you mean when you say someone is "hot"? For me, it was a way to express someone with a conventionally attractive body/supermodel looks, as opposed to someone I found to be cute or handsome. Ex: Paul Rudd/Elle Fanning are cute because they have a pleasing face while Chris Hemsworth/Scarlett Johansson are hot because they have supermodel faces and bodies. Do you use this term in that manner, or does it have a sexual connotation for you?

 

2. What do you refer to when say "crush"? For me, a crush is someone who captivates me personality-wise enough for me to be interested in them romantically. Cue the daydreaming and nervousness and all of that. But I've seen so many aces who claim to be romantic say that they don't understand how sexual people can have crushes that I'm not sure if I've been using the term incorrectly my whole life lol.

 

3. What do you mean with "celebrity crush"? I use this term to refer to a celebrity that I find aesthetically attractive and/or whose personality and work I like. I never thought about banging them, though - is this the same for you, or does the celebrity crush has a sexual connotation as well? If it is sexual, does that mean that when pre-teens have celebrity crushes they are developing sexual feelings for them? For me it's odd to think that my 10-11 year old friends and sister could be meaning that at such a young age because it was never the case for me, but please enlighten me.

  1. Personally, I consider "hot" to be a specific type of aesthetically attractive person. I would apply this term to someone who it is easy to understand a sexual attraction towards rather than a romantic or aesthetic attraction, such as Megan Fox or Chris Evans. While I don't harbor sexual attraction towards either of those people (or towards anyone, for that matter), I can see why one would consider them sexually attractive.
  2. For me, a crush can be anywhere from "Oh, they're cute, maybe I should obsess over them for a month" to "holyshitwhythehellamislightlyinlovewithmybestfriendwhatthefuck????" It's a wide range for me, but it usually comes down to a mild or lighthearted attraction to someone.
  3. A celebrity crush, at least for me, is aesthetic attraction to a famous person. Since I don't know them personally, I'm not romantically attracted to them, and I'm Very Very Asexual, but aesthetic attraction is completely on the table.
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lunalovesagoodcoffee

Hi, friends!

 

I’m new here, and I’m sure this question has already been asked before but here I go (be forewarned; I have ADHD and am an Aquarius so this will be long story long haha):

 

I’m a queer, sexual woman, married to a lovely queer woman who we think may be ace. 
 

Sex has been a sensitive subject throughout our relationship. I was previously in the closet, and had been in numerous relationships with het men where I was objectified and treated like garbage, and I never enjoyed sex with them.

Once I was out, free, and we got together, I realized I actually really do enjoy sex! 

 

She doesn’t have a high libido at all, and doesn’t really think about sex either. She always says she “doesn’t view sex in the way everyone else does”, and that it’s “not a big deal” to her. 

We have had miscommunications and upsets surrounding sex. In the beginning of our relationship, we had sex more often (which I get is normal for new relationships in general). But as time has gone on, it’s gone down a lot.

I have felt rejected, unwanted, vulnerable, unattractive. And she has felt upset, frustrated, and vulnerable. 
 

As I have done research, it appears she may be ace. I brought this up to her and she said that it definitely resonates with her and makes sense.
 

This has always been how she is, for as long as she can remember. So it’s not like one day, she suddenly had a low libido. But she has felt the need to perform, so to speak, in previous relationships, because that was what was expected of her (which breaks my heart to hear). 


And somewhat recently, she confessed to me that there have been times that she has had sex with me, when she didn’t want to.

And it made me feel absolutely awful, guilty, confused, and unsure of what to do. I never want her to do something she doesn’t want to, and I work hard to not have a super big outward response to her rejection because I don’t want it to come across as guilt-trippy. I respect her “no”. And it still hurts. 
 

I guess this is my long-winded way of asking for advice and input on how I can be a better, more understanding wife to her in all of this. Given our varied libidos and the sensitivity of the subject. I know she loves me, and I also love her immensely. 
I also love connecting with her, and being able to finally, actually enjoy sex was nice. 
I don’t want to be celibate, and I want both our needs met. But I need advice on finding that balance, I guess. Thanks in advance! 


 

 

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@lunalovesagoodcoffee Hi and welcome, although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. Nonetheless, glad you found AVEN. :)  (Also lol, I have ADHD as well and good lord, telling long and rambling stories is my speciality hahaha. Thankfully, my partner seems to find it endearing. 😂)

 

Anyway. I'm sorry about your terrible past relationships and I'm glad you've found one that's not abusive now. But yeah, the sexual mismatch definitely throws a wrench into things, and your feelings of rejection and being unwanted are totally normal and understandable under the circumstances. I'm glad you and your partner are talking about it openly, though. One thing, right off the bat... and I know this is so much easier said than done, but worth mentioning anyway... if she consented to sex with you, that's not something you need to feel guilty for. That was her choice and almost certainly done out of love and wanting to please you. I know it doesn't feel great in retrospect, though.

 

So, your options are basically this:

 

1. Split up.

2. Have sexual relationships with other people.

3. Some sort of compromise in terms of sexual activities that you're both totally comfortable with.

4. Be celibate for life/as long as you're together.

 

None of those are ideal, I know that. It's a tough position for both of you. (Unless perhaps you're both polyamorous by nature and an open relationship is not a problem.)

 

I might suggest creating a new separate thread in this forum... this one might not get as much traffic as you'd like and is mostly for sexuals and asexuals to ask each other questions about their respective sexualities. Of course, that's entirely up to you. Either way, welcome again and I hope you find some useful information here. Browse old threads if you haven't already... there are lots of discussions about mixed relationships here. And definitely keep an open dialogue with your partner.

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lunalovesagoodcoffee
9 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

@lunalovesagoodcoffee Hi and welcome, although I'm sorry it's under these circumstances. Nonetheless, glad you found AVEN. :)  (Also lol, I have ADHD as well and good lord, telling long and rambling stories is my speciality hahaha. Thankfully, my partner seems to find it endearing. 😂)

 

Anyway. I'm sorry about your terrible past relationships and I'm glad you've found one that's not abusive now. But yeah, the sexual mismatch definitely throws a wrench into things, and your feelings of rejection and being unwanted are totally normal and understandable under the circumstances. I'm glad you and your partner are talking about it openly, though. One thing, right off the bat... and I know this is so much easier said than done, but worth mentioning anyway... if she consented to sex with you, that's not something you need to feel guilty for. That was her choice and almost certainly done out of love and wanting to please you. I know it doesn't feel great in retrospect, though.

 

So, your options are basically this:

 

1. Split up.

2. Have sexual relationships with other people.

3. Some sort of compromise in terms of sexual activities that you're both totally comfortable with.

4. Be celibate for life/as long as you're together.

 

None of those are ideal, I know that. It's a tough position for both of you. (Unless perhaps you're both polyamorous by nature and an open relationship is not a problem.)

 

I might suggest creating a new separate thread in this forum... this one might not get as much traffic as you'd like and is mostly for sexuals and asexuals to ask each other questions about their respective sexualities. Of course, that's entirely up to you. Either way, welcome again and I hope you find some useful information here. Browse old threads if you haven't already... there are lots of discussions about mixed relationships here. And definitely keep an open dialogue with your partner.

Thank you for your affirmations and advice!

 

we have had various conversations in configuring how to find a balance for this all, and have been working through communication and such in marriage therapy, so I’m hopeful! 
 

I will paste this in another thread, like you suggested. Thanks again, friend!

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TwoIsLonelyToo

Hugs to long winded, twice around the block to cross the street, adult ADHD! Although not formally diagnosed there is zero doubt. 

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rainbowocollie

Do sexuals actually like sex scenes in movies? Seems incredibly awkward.
Even I as an asexual sometimes like sex scenes in books, but the characters have to be a ship I'm into for me to be into it. Books give me more time to grow to enjoy a character and their love interest (if they have one) than movies do.

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3 hours ago, Quest the Collie said:

Do sexuals actually like sex scenes in movies? Seems incredibly awkward.
Even I as an asexual sometimes like sex scenes in books, but the characters have to be a ship I'm into for me to be into it. Books give me more time to grow to enjoy a character and their love interest (if they have one) than movies do.

As the main point of the show, i.e. porn, absolutely. ✔️
As a side show additive, like Sex/Life on Netflix, fine. ✔️
Hell, even as in Dirty Dancing PGness, sure. ✔️
 

My requirement is there must be some chemistry or no thanks.

 

Noteworthy, chemistry is what generally lacks in a mixed pairing 😬.

 

EDIT: Thinking on it, I found it more interesting when I was younger. Now it’s more of an additive, not an anticipation. 

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Yeah I'm pretty much with @Traveler40 on this one. Good chemistry and scenes that kind of give an overall impression of what sex is really like -- because it consists of a lot more than the mechanics of doing the deed -- are what I like. Porn is kind of in its own category, it has an express purpose and that's fine... some of it is decent enough and I'll watch it very occasionally (although I honestly prefer photos/videos my partner sends me and can't really recall when I last looked at random porn).

 

Anyway, sex scenes in films and television... yeah, I like them if they're filmed well and they show the emotional connection between the people involved. I loved the Irish series Normal People, about a young couple and their relationship spanning their teens to sometime in their mid-20s. The Bisexual was good too, although I watched it at what was a weird time for me haha. It's about a woman who identified as a lesbian realising she's bisexual, and my same-sex relationship was all but dead and I had feelings for my now-partner (opposite sex), and the series had some really poignant scenes between the main character and both female and male partners. They were all difficult for me to watch tbh haha, but still really good. I guess they just kind of triggered a lot of longing during a time I didn't really know what was going on. Anyway, there are loads of others I've liked as well, in both film and television. All of them depicting the emotional connection between the characters as well as, well, The Sex lol. Oh and I know there are problems with the characters' behaviour and the overall plot of Fifty Shades of Grey, but some of the sex in that is ummm... very good if you're into that sort of thing. Actually the second film in the trilogy was much better than the first. Gave me ideas haha. 😅

 

One I hated was the French film Blue Is the Warmest Colour. For one, the damn thing was three hours long and very tedious. It depicts an intense but ultimately unhealthy relationship between two young women, and the sex is just... weird and often disconcerting. There's a YouTube video that's something like 'Lesbians react to the sex scenes in Blue Is the Warmest Colour' and it cracked me up cos they all had more or less the same reaction I did.

 

But yes. I do like sex scenes. 😂

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10 hours ago, Quest the Collie said:

Do sexuals actually like sex scenes in movies? Seems incredibly awkward.
Even I as an asexual sometimes like sex scenes in books, but the characters have to be a ship I'm into for me to be into it. Books give me more time to grow to enjoy a character and their love interest (if they have one) than movies do.

I do not. I consider sex something deeply personal between me and my wife. I don't want to see other people naked, or see them have sex. It feels weird, like seeing another person going to the bathroom. And, honestly, a partner enjoying watching others have sex makes me uninterested in sex with them because... it's no longer special if you're getting off to everyone in the world. Which, kills 100% of my sexual desire and then I might as well go back go IDing as ace. So, overall, I hate sex scenes and porn. 

 

But, I am fairly certain I will never have a sex life now I've discovered I can because it is linked to it being special and only for my partner. Because seeing others having sex seems like a fundamental need for most sexuals. And, I'm done even trying. Celibate for life. o/ 

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4 hours ago, Serran said:

seeing others having sex seems like a fundamental need for most sexuals.

I don’t believe this is true. From what I know, porn is merely a tool, not usually an obsession or requirement.

 

The largest sex organ is the brain, and porn can aid in efficient masturbation. That doesn’t make it a need, but an arrow in the quiver. It lights up the imagination and stimulates libido.
 

With that being said, porn use and time spent varies. It’s been oft discussed here as you know. To what degree and personal comfort obviously play a part. 
 

Zero tolerance for a partner’s desire to use porn can be tough. The utility of it is real, and many sexuals both see it as that and don’t place a high value on porn being anything more.
 

I’d say it’s analogous to telling a partner they can’t work on Sunday. If keeping the Sabbath is a closely held belief for one partner while the other doesn’t maintain the same faith, it would be problematic…Especially if working on Sunday was important to the other party for whatever reason.

 

Differing beliefs can be massive hurdles to the point of being catastrophic. I’m sorry it’s tough on your end. 😢 

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31 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

I don’t believe this is true.

Oh yeah I genuinely have no need to see others having sex. Like, really really don't. If a partner said they weren't comfortable with it and we had a happy sex life, I'd be like, 'Ok, no problem' and just honestly wouldn't look at anything. It does seem a tad excessive to tell someone that -- IF (that's a big if, and only if) -- it genuinely doesn't threaten the relationship in terms of someone wanting sex with you, but I'd still prioritise my partner's feelings. Them being comfortable is exponentially more important to me than voluntarily looking at porn once in a blue moon.

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2 hours ago, Ceebs. said:

Oh yeah I genuinely have no need to see others having sex. Like, really really don't. If a partner said they weren't comfortable with it and we had a happy sex life, I'd be like, 'Ok, no problem' and just honestly wouldn't look at anything. It does seem a tad excessive to tell someone that -- IF (that's a big if, and only if) -- it genuinely doesn't threaten the relationship in terms of someone wanting sex with you, but I'd still prioritise my partner's feelings. Them being comfortable is exponentially more important to me than voluntarily looking at porn once in a blue moon.

And I've heard the line "I don't need it" or "I don't even use it" so many times ... I find it impossible to believe from anyone. Because it's always a lie. 100% of the time in my experience. It's not a case where you can state differing needs and discuss it and decide if you are compatible because no one is honest. Or, if they try to be honest I guess, when push comes to shove... its actually a need and they didn't know it. So they think they can give it up and in reality no way they can. 

 

Before porn there were strip clubs. Before that there were brothels. A lot of relationships end in cheating. And people will swear up and down they don't do it then go do it. If it's not a need, then humans just suck. Either way, I've given up on any form of monogamy. Just screw whoever you want, you'll lie and do it anyway, so why not. 

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