The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

[Ceebs]

Um, I don't think so? When I was younger and unsure of myself and more insecure, kind of I guess? It's hard to remember exact feelings. I'm not sure even then that it was that sex itself felt foreign, it was that I was... surprised I was even having sex at all and afraid I was doing it wrong lol (I mean, once I was actually having sex; I didn't until I was over 20), plus I did once have a lot of issues with repression and sexual shame. If it did seem weird, it seemed weird only until I'd actually had experience. Experience didn't immediately make me comfortable, but it did make the concept more relatable.

 

I can't say that sex itself ever seemed totally alien, though. When I was young it seemed like something other people did that I figured I might never be at ease with, like it wasn't 'meant for me' or something. Weirdly (?), my sexuality is now one the parts of me I'm most comfortable with and confident about. As for feeling weird simply when I'm not in the mood for it, nah. That's just... not in the right headspace. Sex is still normal sex even when I don't feel interested. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Kakapowl]

Hi!

I have a question regarding orgasms and sexual pleasure in general. I’m almost 30 years old, and have for the first time in my life tried to masturbate a few times. Maybe 20-25 times total or something like that. I’ve avoided it until now because I have been grossed out by it, and thought “besides I wash myself there every time I shower and feel nothing, what possibly could the difference be”. But curiosity eventually got the better of me. So I tried, and kept doing it for 30-40 minutes despite being bored out of my mind, and eventually I DID feel something. The muscles down there spasmed, and it felt good, but only for maybe 3 seconds.

 

I thought “oh, so maybe this is the build-up everyone else experiences that eventually leads to orgasming”. However, after reading about the definition of orgasm, I’ve started wondering if what I experienced in fact WAS the orgasm. After all, there was a build-up of maybe 3-5 seconds (albeit after 40 long minutes), and then some climax that lasted like 3 seconds as well, accompanied by muscle spasms, and then the body sort of relaxed. Most times it doesn’t work, but I have experienced the same sensation now maybe 6-7 times, and it never gets more intense than that. Overall, definitely not worth the 30-40 minutes of boredom. So it CAN’T be an actual orgasm… right??? If this is it, if this is “the big deal”, then humans would have gone extinct a long time ago.

 

There must be something different in how I experience it and how others experience it. Sure, it felt good, kind of like those head-massage-thingies that massages the scalp and sends shivers down your spine, but humans have survived without artificial scalp-massage-devices most of our history and no one would break up with their partner because they don’t give head massages. And whatever I experienced was probably even less intense than a head massage, since there was no “shivers down the entire spine” sensation. What I experienced was the first physical sensation I’ve ever experienced that can be remotely considered sexual, and I thought it was only the start; the tip of the ice berg; it can’t be the climax everyone is talking about… it just can't. We would be extinct. 

 

Can someone explain this? What do you guys experience that I don’t? What makes sex so intense and important that you can barely even live without it? As in, how does it affect you differently on a physical level? 

 

Edit: would prefer to hear from females  

[Philip027]

Not female (also not sexual), but can relate.  Your underwhelmed experience doesn't necessarily mean no climax.  I don't have an explanation other than that for some people this sort of thing just doesn't hit as hard.  I know for me it doesn't.  Never experienced it myself until I was right about your age.

 

What I can say is that for me at least, trying to do anything on my own would consistently result in nothing happening.  It's something I only seem to be able to experience with my spouse.  Even then, it's clear to me that I don't get the same thing out of it that they (or most people) do.

[ryn2]

AFAB and, yes, what you experienced - the tensing up, followed by contractions/spasms - does sound like orgasm.  For AFAB people there are usually somewhere between three and 12 contractions.

 

One main differentiator - a fair number of sexual people enjoy the build-up time (however long it takes), with a partner.  So they’re not just going through 40 minutes of yawning and sore wrists for a few seconds at the end.

[Traveler40]

AFAB here.
 

Also, for many folks, the mental side of sex is more important than the physical one. It’s often said that our brain is our largest sex organ. 
 

If yours isn’t engaged in the same way, it stands to reason it may affect the quality of your orgasms. Just a thought. 

[Windmills of My Mind]

22 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

One main differentiator - a fair number of sexual people enjoy the build-up time (however long it takes), with a partner.  So they’re not just going through 40 minutes of yawning and sore wrists for a few seconds at the end.

This indeed. There is no denying that I can thoroughly enjoy a good orgasm (they are not always identical by the way, orgasms for me can vary quite a bit in intensity and duration). But the build-up time is for me some of the best "quality time" to be spent with a loving partner. The build-up of sexual tension during this time is immensely satisfying and strengthens bonding feelings. Longer build-up generally yields better or more intense orgasms.

 

Conversely, a consistent lack of sexuality in relationship can cause sexual partners to feel pushed away, to feel distance to their partner and feelings of deep emotional rejection. Many sexuals need sexuality to feel deeply connected with their partner. It is not just a physical thing - the physical aspect is nice. No question about that. The mental aspect can make it much better. Not just a bit, really like many many many times better.

[ryn2]

23 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Also, for many folks, the mental side of sex is more important than the physical one. It’s often said that our brain is our largest sex organ. 
 

If yours isn’t engaged in the same way, it stands to reason it may affect the quality of your orgasms. Just a thought. 

Interesting!  I find mental engagement affects the amount of time it takes to get there, rather than what happens when I do.

 

It’s also where I typically consider a partner a detractor, rather than an enhancer.

 

Good food for thought.

[Traveler40]

28 minutes ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Longer build-up generally yields better or more intense orgasms.

Thus “edging” is a thing. 😁

 

I learned that lovely bit in my 40’s.
 

EDIT: Here’s to lovers with experience. 🥂 

[Ceebs]

2 hours ago, Kakapowl said:

What makes sex so intense and important that you can barely even live without it?

One, most people can live without it... we'd just really prefer not to. Other AFAB folks have commented on the mechanics of it, but to go more into what makes it so important though, it's the intimacy aspect. Sharing that experience with someone you love, being as close to them as you can possibly be, the vulnerability and trust that are involved (vulnerability being a good thing when there's trust), etc.

 

A thing I've noticed... the physical sensations of an orgasm are, at this point, actually very linked in my brain to the emotions I feel specifically for my partner. Which is interesting given we're long-distance at the moment so the sexual interaction we have is, technically, wanking lol. (Though we've had talks about how our brains register it differently, much more like typical sex than masturbating, I imagine because it's still partnered sexual activity. As he would say, 'Mirror neurons innit'. 😂) But anyway, so yeah, that feeling has become tied very specifically to him in my head, and the connection we have (not sure I really had that with past partners?), and the emotional element is huge.

[SusannaC]

1 hour ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

Conversely, a consistent lack of sexuality in relationship can cause sexual partners to feel pushed away, to feel distance to their partner and feelings of deep emotional rejection. Many sexuals need sexuality to feel deeply connected with their partner. It is not just a physical thing - the physical aspect is nice. No question about that. The mental aspect can make it much better. Not just a bit, really like many many many times better

Oh how perfectly stated!!!!!!!

 

[Kakapowl]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

One, most people can live without it... we'd just really prefer not to. Other AFAB folks have commented on the mechanics of it, but to go more into what makes it so important though, it's the intimacy aspect. Sharing that experience with someone you love, being as close to them as you can possibly be, the vulnerability and trust that are involved (vulnerability being a good thing when there's trust), etc.

 

A thing I've noticed... the physical sensations of an orgasm are, at this point, actually very linked in my brain to the emotions I feel specifically for my partner. Which is interesting given we're long-distance at the moment so the sexual interaction we have is, technically, wanking lol. (Though we've had talks about how our brains register it differently, much more like typical sex than masturbating, I imagine because it's still partnered sexual activity. As he would say, 'Mirror neurons innit'. 😂) But anyway, so yeah, that feeling has become tied very specifically to him in my head, and the connection we have (not sure I really had that with past partners?), and the emotional element is huge.

Thanks for your reply!  I think it makes a lot of sense, on an emotional level. In fact, what you describe is the only way I can relate to it. I really do understand the intimacy part. I didn’t before I met my partner - I was disgusted by the fluids involved in sex and couldn’t fathom why people would want it, especially not as a form of intimacy. But now I can understand that, just like I can understand how the trust between a parent and child, whose every need is met by the parent, is incredibly intimate - and in a positive way. Wether or not they enjoy the act of changing diapers. And if sex is something people enjoy, then I can absolutely understand how it can lead to intimacy.

But intimacy can’t be the only reason. If the feeling isn’t more intense than what I experienced, I just don’t understand how it can be more important/interesting etc than other forms of intimacy, like hugs. Besides, sex hasn’t always been about intimacy - for thousands of years, sexual unions between humans have been arranged, and they still had an instinct to have sex. The romantic era and the idea of marriage being based on mutual love and intimacy started only a couple hundred years ago. And in a lot animals, it’s definitely not about emotional intimacy and romantic love - it’s an instinct. So the idea of sex being more important only because of it being the ultimate form of intimacy doesn’t make sense to me, just as it doesn’t make sense that wanting the head-massage thing is an instinct. I just feel there's GOT to be some additional physical aspect that I don't experience. 

[Ceebs]

Yeah I feel like... well, it does feel very very good to most people, and the intensity of the pleasure is part of what makes sharing that type of intimacy a big deal. So if you're not experiencing that, probably not as much of a draw to the activity.

[ryn2]

With a lot of animals, too, it’s relatively quick so the payoff compares better to the time spent. 

[ryn2]

7 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

With a lot of animals, too, it’s relatively quick so the payoff compares better to the time spent. 

For animals where it’s instinct rather than emotion, I mean.

 

Also, for some of them, it’s the male’s enjoyment that factors in rather than the female’s.

[Philip027]

3 hours ago, Kakapowl said:

I just feel there's GOT to be some additional physical aspect that I don't experience. 

There likely is.  Which isn't to say you cannot ever experience it, if that discourages you.  There could be (malleable) medical, or mental, factors at play.

 

As stated, the mental state for this sort of thing is key with regard for what kind of experience it is.  The fact that you're "bored" for 30+ minutes beforehand matters, for instance.

 

5 hours ago, Ceebs said:

A thing I've noticed... the physical sensations of an orgasm are, at this point, actually very linked in my brain to the emotions I feel specifically for my partner. Which is interesting given we're long-distance at the moment so the sexual interaction we have is, technically, wanking lol. (Though we've had talks about how our brains register it differently, much more like typical sex than masturbating, I imagine because it's still partnered sexual activity. As he would say, 'Mirror neurons innit'. 😂) But anyway, so yeah, that feeling has become tied very specifically to him in my head, and the connection we have (not sure I really had that with past partners?), and the emotional element is huge.

This aspect is the only reason it even became possible for me.

 

It obviously isn't like that for everyone, necessarily... but like I said, some of us are just wired differently.

[Kakapowl]

22 hours ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

This indeed. There is no denying that I can thoroughly enjoy a good orgasm (they are not always identical by the way, orgasms for me can vary quite a bit in intensity and duration). But the build-up time is for me some of the best "quality time" to be spent with a loving partner. The build-up of sexual tension during this time is immensely satisfying and strengthens bonding feelings. Longer build-up generally yields better or more intense orgasms.

 

Conversely, a consistent lack of sexuality in relationship can cause sexual partners to feel pushed away, to feel distance to their partner and feelings of deep emotional rejection. Many sexuals need sexuality to feel deeply connected with their partner. It is not just a physical thing - the physical aspect is nice. No question about that. The mental aspect can make it much better. Not just a bit, really like many many many times better.

Thanks for your reply! With "The build-up of sexual tension during this time is immensely satisfying", do you mean only mentally/emotionally or is there something physically there too that's different from, say, just hugging for 40 minutes? 

 

And regarding your second paragraph - this sounds very reasonable I think. Do you believe that people enjoyed it less hundreds of years ago when sex wasn't about love and emotional bonding? I mean, when marriages were arranged and partners chosen for practical reasons rather than emotional ones (including attraction), do you think people enjoyed it less? (since you wrote that the mental aspect makes it "really like many many many times better").  I've thought to myself many times that I just can't fathom how people could have sex with someone just because they were married, if there was no emotional bond with the person. I can sort of imagine it if it was forced, like "it's your duty to create children, if you don't you will be punished", but to me it sounds like it would be traumatic; I can't imagine that people did it out of their own free will if it wasn't for the emotional intimacy and bonding. I mean... other animals seem to have the urge regardless, and people have done it since eternity, so obviously people DID still want to do it, but I have a hard time imagining/relating to it. Do you have any thoughts about this? Like, what do you think people get out of it in cultures where sex isn't connected to romantic love?   

[Kakapowl]

17 hours ago, ryn2 said:

Also, for some of them, it’s the male’s enjoyment that factors in rather than the female’s.

I've thought about that too! I've seen that in lots of species - male duck chasing after a female until she gives up, sort of thing. And looking at human history (and even our own culture today to some extent) there still seems to be the same imbalance. Men usually catcall women, not the other way around, to take an example. And I've heard that before the sexual revolution many women didn't even know they had a clitoris... and all this makes me feel sort of, "am I really all that different??" One second my female friends seem almost in disbelief about my asexuality, asking me to explain what it is like, as if it's worlds apart from what they experience. I hear females talk about sexual attraction and "hot guys" and being "turned on" and wanting/needing sexual partners etc all the time - in that sense I've never been able to relate to my female friends. But then the next second, I hear things like "women often didn't even know they had a clitoris", "it's mainly about the intimacy", "you're not alone in not being able to orgasm", and on top of that, now it turns out that I've apparently even HAD an orgasm. These things makes it sound like I'm no different from other AFAB. So I struggle to understand what the difference really is. Am I allosexual?? No I can't be... unless it's always been the men who initiated sex, like in a lot of other species. But no... women also initiate sex, right?? At least in this culture. And women still talk about guys in terms of "sexy", and strive to be sexy themselves, and lesbian people still want sex; otherwise they wouldn't make a deal out of being sexually (rather than just romantically) attracted to each other. So there's gotta be some difference... I just don't understand exactly what. Mental? Physical? I've assumed there must be some physical difference, but all the talk about the emotional intimacy being the most important factor makes it sound like it's not; yet I'm the snuggliest person in the world in regards to other forms of physical intimacy... so it can't be that that's lacking either. This is so confusing 😂 (Not expecting you to have an answer; just venting )

[Ceebs]

12 minutes ago, Kakapowl said:

But no... women also initiate sex, right??

This one sure does lol.

[ryn2]

I think there are a few factors involved, at least in the US (which is what I’m most familiar with).

 

First, AFAB people are not a monolith.  They are found all along the spectrum from loving sex to finding it tedious to thinking it’s horrific.  So wherever you fall, there are probably other people out there just like you.

 

Second, there is a lot of (sometimes conflicting) external pressure involved.  Some people, even today, live in areas where being openly sexual and sex-positive - especially as AFAB or queer people - is seen as shameful and even sinful.  Others live in areas, or travel with friend groups, who are just as negative towards people who they see as “sexually repressed.”  All of those things change what people say in public… and may affect how they feel about themselves (guilt/shame for being bad or different, whatever that happens to mean) in private as well.

 

On top of all that, as a few posters have mentioned here, people may have different experiences from partner to partner.  Having a positive experience after a string of negative ones (or, perhaps to a lesser degree, vice versa) can change how they feel and talk about sex.

 

So, yes, it definitely can be confusing.

 

~
 

And I laughed about the ducks as they were the first example that came to my mind too.

[Libellule]

On 7/15/2022 at 1:18 PM, Kakapowl said:

Can someone explain this? What do you guys experience that I don’t? What makes sex so intense and important that you can barely even live without it? As in, how does it affect you differently on a physical level? 

What you're describing sounds somewhat similar to my experience. I find it difficult to orgasm during sex most of the time, and the few times I did it still felt pretty weak and I was second guessing myself afterwards if that was actually an orgasm or something else. 

For me personally, there's a lot more to sex than just getting off. I enjoy the 'build-up' as other people have described it, the intimacy, feeling connected to my partner and making them feel good. All these things are much more important to me than whether I end up having an orgasm or not. 

[Ceebs]

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

ducks

Two words... corkscrew penis.

[ryn2]

4 minutes ago, Ceebs said:

Two words... corkscrew penis.

And they are such mean boys!

 

(full disclosure; I live right across a residential side street from a pond)

[Ceebs]

6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

And they are such mean boys!

Yeah I don't think the gals are having much fun. 😕

[ryn2]

1 minute ago, Ceebs said:

Yeah I don't think the gals are having much fun. 😕

No, for sure they are not.  And invariably one of the dudes goes in for a sneak attack at 3:00 a.m. and then no one within a quarter mile is having much fun.

[Kakapowl]

1 hour ago, Libellule said:

For me personally, there's a lot more to sex than just getting off. I enjoy the 'build-up' as other people have described it, the intimacy, feeling connected to my partner and making them feel good. All these things are much more important to me than whether I end up having an orgasm or not. 

I can see how that would be more important (being asexual I can't really imagine anything else anyway  ). Can you identify what it is with the build-up that is special in regards to sex compared to, say, just snuggles or deep conversations? Or anything else that one can bond over? (This is provided that you are allosexual and think sex is an important/crucial part in your relationship; if not, you can ignore the question  ) (Do you identify as allo by the way?) 

[Adder]

This is probably really silly, but ive always wounderd if you guys can tell appart romantic attraction and sexaul attraction or if its a one packed deal kind of thing?

[Philip027]

Quote

This is probably really silly, but ive always wounderd if you guys can tell appart romantic attraction and sexaul attraction or if its a one packed deal kind of thing?

To be honest, I don't think for most people (not all; there's surely people out there with mismatched orientations that may claim differently) these things are strictly different feelings.  It's all just "attraction" at the core.

 

It only gets separated into romantic/sexual/aesthetic/whatever attraction simply based on what people desire as a result of said attraction, which is going to vary from person to person just depending on what it is they seek out of a potential partner.  Those of us who make use of those different terms usually just want to make our expectations/desires clearer to other people.  Sometimes it's romance, sometimes it's sex, sometimes it's none of that and they just like looking...

 

It's basically not much different from, for instance, the way sexual people use hetero-, homo-, and other such prefixes -- the sex/gender of the other person is a critical factor for most people in terms of who they pursue relationships with, but the underlying feelings they have toward the people they are attracted to is still generally the same across sexual orientations.

[Philip027]

Why do I keep quoting my own post when I meant to edit it? :<  Ugh

[Sally]

11 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Yeah I don't think the gals are having much fun. 😕

Female cats show themselves off to the males, but the orgasm part is definitely not fun for them  because the males have actual reverse spines on their organs to keep the females from pulling away.  Thus female cats scream when mating.  Yikes.  At least humans are not built that way.  

 

 

[Libellule]

11 hours ago, Kakapowl said:

I can see how that would be more important (being asexual I can't really imagine anything else anyway  ). Can you identify what it is with the build-up that is special in regards to sex compared to, say, just snuggles or deep conversations? Or anything else that one can bond over? (This is provided that you are allosexual and think sex is an important/crucial part in your relationship; if not, you can ignore the question  ) (Do you identify as allo by the way?) 

I am sexual, yes.  

I find it hard to describe what exactly makes the build-up so special but I would say that it's just about the closest you can get to another person physically and that makes it feel different from cuddling or having a deep conversation with someone. Though it's definitely not just a physical thing for me, there's also a mental component involved.

 

3 hours ago, Adder said:

This is probably really silly, but ive always wounderd if you guys can tell appart romantic attraction and sexaul attraction or if its a one packed deal kind of thing?

Not a silly question at all. I used to wonder about the same thing when I was questioning my sexuality. I've come to realise that when I feel sexually attracted to someone it's usually accompanied by romantic and sensual attraction in some way. So for me these things are very strongly intertwined.