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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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ArielV313

Thank you all to your replies. I really appreciate  it. I have noticed that last night she left me alone for the most part only making subtle verbal jokes at me. Though she got to the family Christmas late and everyone was winding down anyways. My wife and I had a conversation and she told me that if it really bothers me that I could try and have a conversation with her. Though that almost terrifies me more. No idea how to have that kind of conversation with someone. (Hey, you know when you do those things it confuses me and I do find you attractive but you're my wife's sister and A-sexual so I know nothing will ever come of it, so could you please stop). Seems a bit squirmy to me.  Oh and to some of you who pointed out that that might be her being confused, I noticed that she doesn't do that with the oldest sisters boyfriend, just me. What had been some or your indications that there was some level of attraction for you with a potential partner?

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CBC
1 minute ago, ArielV313 said:

I do find you attractive

Do not say that if you have that conversation. There's no need to tell her that you find her attractive; it benefits neither you nor your wife or her sister in any way.

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Skullery Maid

Your partner needs to talk to her sister, not you. She already knows it upsets you, so saying it outright won't help. Plus, if she thinks she has her sister's support, she won't stop. Your partner is the only one with the power here. She's gotta do it.

 

6 hours ago, CBC said:

Do not say that if you have that conversation. There's no need to tell her that you find her attractive; it benefits neither you nor your wife or her sister in any way.

Um yeah.

 

My guess is that your partner already told her sister that, which may be playing into the whole situation. For future reference, never tell someone you're attracted to their relative. That's not good for anyone. 

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CBC

Tbh if I was your wife @ArielV313, I would've had that convo with my sister looooong ago. I'm not sure why she doesn't seem bothered by it. You really shouldn't even have to ask her to mention it to her sister, but since she hasn't... do.

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AllieCat

I have a question. 

 

What's the best way to tell my BF I don't want to have sex with him? I'm open to doing it in the future when we're closer and I feel more comfortable, and simply as a way to please him, but we've only had 6 dates so far, how do I tell him I'm not ready now, and while I might be ready later, it's not something I actually desire? How do I make sure he knows it's nothing personal against him? 

 

Thank you in advance :) If anyone is open to an in-depth convo about this, please feel free to PM me. 

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

You need to just get it out there.  Have the conversation.  The sooner the better so that he understands your boundaries.  

1 hour ago, AllieCat said:

How do I make sure he knows it's nothing personal against him? 

You can't.  You can emphasize the point, and he might say he understands, but at least in my experience, figuring that out as a sexual person takes time and reflection.  We're just wired to associate sexual desire with romantic desire.

 

But the conversations up front are super important, in my opinion.  I hope it goes well for you.  💕

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
1 hour ago, AllieCat said:

I have a question. 

 

What's the best way to tell my BF I don't want to have sex with him? I'm open to doing it in the future when we're closer and I feel more comfortable, and simply as a way to please him, but we've only had 6 dates so far, how do I tell him I'm not ready now, and while I might be ready later, it's not something I actually desire? How do I make sure he knows it's nothing personal against him? 

 

Thank you in advance :) If anyone is open to an in-depth convo about this, please feel free to PM me. 

I'd personally compose a letter or email, that's always worked for me in the past when I've had something important to say. It also gives them time to think before they make up their mind about how they want to react. :)

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AllieCat

What do you guys think of this: 

 

Hey BF (id put his name of course), there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about for a while. I've been nervous to do it since I didn't know how you'd react, but I think it's important that I'm honest and upfront with you about this. A couple weeks ago, I discovered the term asexuality. Have you heard of it? It basically means that while romantically you desire to be with someone, sexually, you don't. It doesn't matter who the other person is, and it's not something that can be changed. It means not being interested in having sex, and for some people, repulsion by the idea. I just felt like I'd finally found something that fit me perfectly. I'm not interested in sex. I want to want to have sex, but I don't. I still enjoy kissing and hugging and cuddling, but anything further I'm pretty uncomfortable with and not interested in doing. There's also a version of asexuality called "demisexual" which just means that you don't feel sexual attraction for someone until you know them really well, basically friends first. I'm hoping thats the version I am, but I'm really not sure yet. I know it's a lot to take in. You don't need to reply right away, take some time to think about it, but I thought that I should share this with you before things become too serious so that if you want to end things here, because of this, we can. I would understand if you chose that. But it's not what I want, because I do enjoy hanging out with you and getting to know you. But hopefully this helps explain why I sometimes cut the kissing sessions short, just because it's something that I don't really enjoy doing sometimes. Sometimes I am super into it, sometimes I'm less into it. Sorry that this is confusing, it's confusing for me too. Let me know what you think. 

 

 

What do you guys think???? Is it too long? Too confusing? Could I text that to him????

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Balance

You might want to text/email him and say that you're asexual [definition] at the moment and you'd like to get together to discuss it. He probably won't know the terminology so don't get too into the Ace terms with him. The way I think of Ace terms is they're for you to get a grasp of what you want, and then speak in layman's terms to explain to someone else.

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anisotrophic

@AllieCat I think it’s great! I’d slightly edit it to say, “a version of sexuality called...”. 
 

I remember trying to date in high school and the guy trying a kiss and it was like wet slugs. 🐌 But it was too fast, too soon, too early for me. Don’t push yourself, and I think this letter does a great job sharing something you’re afraid of — that you might never feel it — and you should be with someone that cares for you & that fear you have.

 

I think it’s good to write it all out, and I think it’s good to use the words along with your explanations of them, because it gives him more information about what you’re worried about.

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AllieCat
16 minutes ago, Balance said:

You might want to text/email him and say that you're asexual [definition] at the moment and you'd like to get together to discuss it. He probably won't know the terminology so don't get too into the Ace terms with him. The way I think of Ace terms is they're for you to get a grasp of what you want, and then speak in layman's terms to explain to someone else.

Thank you! Yes, I'll definitely try to cut down some terms. 

 

13 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

@AllieCat I think it’s great! I’d slightly edit it to say, “a version of sexuality called...”. 
 

I remember trying to date in high school and the guy trying a kiss and it was like wet slugs. 🐌 But it was too fast, too soon, too early for me. Don’t push yourself, and I think this letter does a great job sharing something you’re afraid of — that you might never feel it — and you should be with someone that cares for you & that fear you have.

 

I think it’s good to write it all out, and I think it’s good to use the words along with your explanations of them, because it gives him more information about what you’re worried about.

hahahah wet slugs. So relatable. And yes, good point about the version of sexuality. 

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Homer

No idea what does and doesn't fly here, but I have a technical question about lesbian sex :D if someone were okay talking about this, my PM box is open.

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Switters
On 12/22/2005 at 3:16 AM, mala said:

That's a really good question. I've wondered how feelings of sexual attraction lead to actually wanting to have intercourse. Well, I can honestly that there's been only one person in my life with whom I've wanted to have sex, and it was a strange thing. All I can really say is that I was so in love with her that I wanted to share myself with her completely. I wanted to put an end to any mystery there was and reveal everything. I figured that would be the way to go about that, at least physically. But there were other factors playing into it. I knew that she was a very sexual person and though I wasn't then and don't think I am now, I just wanted to please her. I thought that would be a way to reach her. So, that played into it. I suppose that takes away from the sincerity of it in a sense.

Sorry that I'm not really answering your question. I just felt compelled to comment on it though I'm obviously not remotely the best person to answer it.

NO, that was really good. Thank-you

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CBC
On 1/30/2020 at 4:39 PM, Homer said:

No idea what does and doesn't fly here, but I have a technical question about lesbian sex :D if someone were okay talking about this, my PM box is open.

Shoot! I love sex questions. 😁

 

Edit: Oh ok, I suppose I should message you, right? On it...

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CBC

@Homer PM sent, or you can ask here too. I'm a pretty open book. 🤷🏼‍♀️

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Kimchi Peanut

I want to read lesbian sex q&a

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Serran
On 1/30/2020 at 4:39 PM, Homer said:

No idea what does and doesn't fly here, but I have a technical question about lesbian sex :D if someone were okay talking about this, my PM box is open.

Now I'm curious what the question is.. 😛

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CBC
8 hours ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

I want to read lesbian sex q&a

😂

 

Got any questions?

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Kimchi Peanut
12 minutes ago, CBC said:

😂

 

Got any questions?

Sadly, I don’t... Let me Google some!

 

Okay. Scissoring. Sounds really impractical. Is it much of a thing or just a stereotype? I suspect like any position, just depends on the individuals.

 

Ugh. I can’t find anything else that doesn’t seem incredibly obvious to me.

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CBC

Hahaha. Um. I mean, that particular position that looks like two pairs of scissors intertwined with people's heads at opposite ends is not something I would personally bother doing. If it's just... contact of those areas... then yeah it's a thing.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
2 hours ago, Kimchi Peanut said:

Okay. Scissoring. Sounds really impractical. Is it much of a thing or just a stereotype? I suspect like any position, just depends on the individuals.

More often than not the position used is called tribbing.  Scissoring is an offshoot of that.  They both involve genital contact and they both feel great.

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