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The Asexual-Sexual Q&A Thread

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CBC
26 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Whatever you do don't offer him charity sex if it should progress that far as that would be demeaning to both of you.

I think you've gotta let people navigate their own relationships rather than telling them definitely do or do not do X. I am someone who wouldn't want what you term "charity sex" from an asexual partner because it would be lacking in basically all the components that make sex within a loving relationship what it is to me, however other people/couples may feel differently. You can share your feelings on "charity sex" without telling others what they should do.

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alibali

Agreed, people have sex for all sorts of reasons...including sexuals.  A one night stand or sex with someone else in an open relationship is unlikely to mean the same as sex in a loving relationship. It is more likely that an asexual in a loving relationship is going to enjoy sex and for it to be loving which has its own meaning and is not with the intention of giving charity but as part of a loving and intimate relationship. Apart from anything else sex even for an asexual is what makes the difference between that relationship and friendships.  Nobody else gets as close.  Nobody feels the same as someone else. Equating it to charity in every relationship is very demeaning towards asexuals.  It makes me think we are viewed as having no feelings or are unable to form a relationship.

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anisotrophic
1 hour ago, cbc said:

I am someone who wouldn't want what you term "charity sex" from an asexual partner because it would be lacking in basically all the components that make sex within a loving relationship what it is to me, however other people/couples may feel differently.

🙋‍♂️ charity sex is awesome 💕

 

With the T, now I'm so proud of myself for not requesting every single day. Go me. 😅 I don't mind that my partner laughs at it, I'm happy to be a running joke -- as long as he's not hurt or stressed. 🙂

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CBC
2 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

🙋‍♂️ charity sex is awesome 💕

 

With the T, now I'm so proud of myself for not requesting every single day. Go me. 😅 I don't mind that my partner laughs at it, I'm happy to be a running joke -- as long as he's not hurt or stressed. 🙂

I'm really glad it works for you guys. 😁 I've absolutely no idea why anyone would think there's a one-size-fits-all way of navigating an ace/sexual pairing -- or any type of relationship for that matter.

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NicoleHolmes
16 hours ago, Apostle said:

That's good you are talking about it. My SO hasn't and it does create a barrier.

Whatever you do don't offer him charity sex if it should progress that far as that would be demeaning to both of you.

What if it's not charity sex persay (because I know he could easily get it elsewhere if he wants to) but it's more like, I enjoy pleasing him and watching him react, even if I don't enjoy actual piv? I also want that level of closeness with him. Do you think sex with someone brings a different type or level of closeness? 

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NicoleHolmes
14 hours ago, cbc said:

I'm really glad it works for you guys. 😁 I've absolutely no idea why anyone would think there's a one-size-fits-all way of navigating an ace/sexual pairing -- or any type of relationship for that matter.

I guess he and I will just have to continue discussing it and figure out what type of relationship works for us or if we want to stay quasi platonic friends. There are other issues of compatibility to consider as well, besides our sexualities. There's also religious and lifestyle differences. 

But hey, from the way we've talked and interacted, at least I know that he loves and respects me, and I him, whether we work as a couple or not. He came and stayed the night at my house, and I wondered if he would try something, because he's so sexual. I told him I didn't want to go there, and he said he understood. We curled up on the couch and watched our favorite show and snuggled all night (I absolutely love being held). He didn't even try to kiss me until the morning. I was more than fine with kissing lol. It made me feel very loved because he just valued my company. 

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cupid69
On 11/14/2019 at 12:35 PM, CBC said:

I think you've gotta let people navigate their own relationships rather than telling them definitely do or do not do X. I am someone who wouldn't want what you term "charity sex" from an asexual partner because it would be lacking in basically all the components that make sex within a loving relationship what it is to me, however other people/couples may feel differently. You can share your feelings on "charity sex" without telling others what they should do.

x.

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CBC
5 minutes ago, Apostle said:

After discussing this topic with other sexuals, both male and female, 100% agreed that it was unhealthy to take or offer 'charity' sex. You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

Anyway, the topic should be covering sex between sexuals and asexuals so it will almost never work and should be discouraged. Better to find a like minded partner.

Why are you disregarding the experiences of other people in this thread and on this forum??

 

Don't have whatever type of sex YOU don't want. And definitely feel free to share your thoughts on what works for you and what doesn't. But how can you possibly tell everyone else what they ought to be doing?

 

Also "prostitute sex" is hella offensive to the people who find themselves in that situation and are trying to navigate it lovingly and with respect.

 

(Fwiw, I don't disagree that it's unlikely to work for the majority of mixed couples.)

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alibali
6 minutes ago, Apostle said:

After discussing this topic with other sexuals, both male and female, 100% agreed that it was unhealthy to take or offer 'charity' sex. You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

Anyway, the topic should be covering sex between sexuals and asexuals so it will almost never work and should be discouraged. Better to find a like minded partner.

You only know it is "charity sex" if you are told that explicitly. Otherwise you have no idea what the motivation is. 

 

In addition the likelihood of both sexual partners wanting to have sex at the same time is questionable, so it is therefore likely that one person's drive is higher than the others at any one point.  And then surely that can also be "charity sex" if one person isn't that bothered at that moment but goes along with it.

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cupid69
On 11/18/2019 at 10:10 AM, CBC said:

Why are you disregarding the experiences of other people in this thread and on this forum?

x

 

On 11/18/2019 at 10:18 AM, alibali said:

You only know it is "charity sex" if you are told that explicitly. Otherwise you have no idea what the motivation is

x

 

On 11/18/2019 at 10:18 AM, alibali said:

 

In addition the likelihood of both sexual partners wanting to have sex at the same time is questionable

x

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alibali
1 hour ago, Apostle said:

I don't see myself as disregarding their experiences, all I'm stating is that a loving relationship from MY experience is better served when 'charity' or 'gift' sex is not involved. I feel that it is an insult to the recipient - just my personal experience, that's all. If two people want to have a quick bonk with no personal attachment then that's their business.

 

I'm not sure what you mean? Why would anyone tell you that they are going to participate in 'charity' sex?

 

Do you really believe that! Wouldn't the 'reluctant' partner tell his/her lover that they would rather not? Why would a reluctant partner go along with having sex if they don't want to? Can they not speak? Your statement truly baffles me, I have to say.

I'm not saying they would tell you, but if they don't tell you, you wouldn't know. The most you could do was suspect.

 

I'm genuinely curious then. How do sexual people ever have sex if they wait until both want to so their desires are matched?  And does the person who is told no not feel frustrated at that point? Even if they know their partner desires them sometimes? Is there never any element of persuasion or coaxing between two sexual partners?  I just don't believe that in a long term relationship between two sexual partners there is no "charity sex".

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cupid69
On 11/18/2019 at 12:24 PM, alibali said:

I'm not saying they would tell you, but if they don't tell you, you wouldn't know. The most you could do was suspect.

 

I'm genuinely curious then. How do sexual people ever have sex if they wait until both want to so their desires are matched?  And does the person who is told no not feel frustrated at that point? Even if they know their partner desires them sometimes? Is there never any element of persuasion or coaxing between two sexual partners?  I just don't believe that in a long term relationship between two sexual partners there is no "charity sex".

x

 

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alibali

I am quite amused by the suggestion that I may be chromosomely or developmentally challenged.

 

Not that I really care. I am happy with the comfortable relationships I have with my male friends, (and I have "come out" to my close friends) because I am not threatening to them or to their partners, and they can be open with me about sex and their partners as a result.

 

I feel quite privileged as a solo asexual so I don't take offence at missing a few ingredients.

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AceMissBehaving
8 hours ago, Apostle said:

After discussing this topic with other sexuals, both male and female, 100% agreed that it was unhealthy to take or offer 'charity' sex. You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

Anyway, the topic should be covering sex between sexuals and asexuals so it will almost never work and should be discouraged. Better to find a like minded partner.

I mean we have someone in this very thread contradicting this statement, so right off the bat your 100% is false.

 

It’s also rude as hell to describe it as the same as sex with a prostitute (not that there’s anything wrong with that done consensually). There is still affection and personal connection there.

 

I am sorry your relationship is so unhappy, but I do wish you would stop painting your experience as being universal when it isn’t. As has been shown time and time again. Your insistence that it is, is honestly hurtful and insulting to many asexuals, and also to any sexual partners who are happy in their mixed relationships. 

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anisotrophic

Alas! I stand corrected! My soul is poisoned! I’m an amoral monster. The Caliban! A twisted, wretched thing, forcing their partner to do such terrible chores — what next, will I ask him to do laundry or dishes?
 

Who wants someone that’s merely willing? Me. I don’t know that I’ll ever have someone that “wants” me, this is the hand that life dealt. I’ll take what I can get. It’s not like I have a lot of great choices, there’s pain in every direction. I’ll embrace my descent into villainy, and you can envy me my “free” “prostitute”.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I mean, I'm not sexual, but as an objectum romantic in a relationship with a car, I know how it feels to have people insist whatever you do in your relationship it is always one-sided and unhealthy. Haven't we realised by now there is no one size fits all solution to these things, and that those in the relationship know what works for them better than those outside?

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cupid69
On 11/18/2019 at 6:08 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

It’s also rude as hell to describe it as the same as sex with a prostitute (not that there’s anything wrong with that done consensually). There is still affection and personal connection there.

x

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cupid69
On 11/18/2019 at 6:08 PM, AceMissBehaving said:

I mean we have someone in this very thread contradicting this statement, so right off the bat your 100% is false.

x

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Serran
22 hours ago, alibali said:

I'm not saying they would tell you, but if they don't tell you, you wouldn't know. The most you could do was suspect.

 

I'm genuinely curious then. How do sexual people ever have sex if they wait until both want to so their desires are matched?  And does the person who is told no not feel frustrated at that point? Even if they know their partner desires them sometimes? Is there never any element of persuasion or coaxing between two sexual partners?  I just don't believe that in a long term relationship between two sexual partners there is no "charity sex".

Sex when you aren't horny yourself but your partner is when you are attracted to them is different from sex without attraction. You still want them just not in mood that second so a no isn't as big a deal (it isn't the same overall rejection) and a yes without being in the mood tends to still be nice enough. But, yeah mismatched libidos can be severe in two sexuals and couples therapists deal with that issue often. When it gets severe it can become a big issue. 

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

So one person contradicting my personal opinion makes my statement 100% false? Wow! You should go into politics!

No it makes your statement that “100% of sexual partners agree that charity sex is bad” false, because at least one person disagrees 

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alibali

In other words small, non randomly selected samples don't prove a theory.

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AceMissBehaving
4 hours ago, Apostle said:

I detect a lot of anger in your responses and also a one-mindedness that does not understand a normal sexual. I'll leave it as that for now but I do feel sorry for you. I'm not sure how you can even mention that there is affection and personal connection with a prostitute. Very sad if you believe that. People go to prostitutes for reasons other than finding a soul mate.

I think you miss understood my post. I said it wasn’t like sex with a prostitute because because when an asexual person  has sex with their partner there is closeness, affection there etc. You were the one that said

 

On 11/18/2019 at 4:06 AM, Apostle said:

You may well describe it as prostitute sex without any financial penalty. It's sex for the sake of getting rid of fluids and nothing more than that so meaningless in a loving relationship.

 

20 hours ago, AceMissBehaving said:

 

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Mike39

From this discussion I see that we need some clarity about personal boundaries that should be understood in couples.

 

If I am asexual:

1. I cannot be touched by anyone, even by my soulmate.

2. I can hug my partner, but everything else repels me.

3. I can give nonsexual massage to partner, it is good feeling to touch my soulmate, It is sensual, but not sexual.

4. I can do massage with touching my soulmate sexually, I enjoy just looking how good it feels for her, I try to understand how my partner feels it.

5. I can go for full sex and I treat the sex as another sensual+sexual massage, it is nice to see how partner is breathing funny.

6. I can enjoy the sex and I can get some orgasms, just I have never felt like horny.

 

If I am sexual:

1. I cannot be touched by him, if he does not desire me.

2. If he does not sexually desire me, I can hug my partner and nothing more.

3. If he does not sexually desire me, I still enjoy closeness with nonsexual massage it is good feeling to touch my soulmate, It is sensual, but not sexual.

4. If he does not sexually desire me, I will enjoy massage with sexually flavor anyway, it just feels good.

5. Even if he is not filled with hormones,  I can enjoy the sexual intercourse because it is very sensual and I am so close with my partner.

6. I know, he have never felt horny, but he still can reach orgasm, it is nice to find the way to do that and try to find pleasure for both of us.

 

I am 6  and my ace wife is between 4 and 5 now :). There was a period when my wife was only 2 :(, It was very difficult.

Edited by Mike39

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CBC

@Mike39 I'm... a bit confused.

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ArielV313

Ok, so I figured i'd give my answer (as a lesbian sexual) and have my own question I was hoping someone could answer. 

1. Sexual attraction for me is both mental and physical. There is everything from physical arousal (pupils dilate, breathing quickens, body parts heat up and get erect/wet, etc.). I don't get the physical without the mental though. The mental is the wanting or desire to be physically close to them. Wondering what it would be like to kiss them, or know what they look like with no clothes on. It's the desire to make them feel good and the wanting to know what that experience would be like. How they smell and taste comes into play for me as well, what the reactions they give me when I do certain things and the stimulus it gives me and them. Even a simple hug can have an impact on my perception and desire for someone. It's a sense of closeness that many others do not get to share with that person. The "carnal knowledge" in a way that draws me to someone I am attracted to already (either romantically or physically, as either way can make me want to have sex with them). I have noticed it can also be subtle little things that can kick off this desire, like when hugging someone and they say something in my ear as they hug me, or they sit on my lap and make lazy circles on my back. My wife even makes fun of me because she will be doing dishes or cooking and I feel the need to come up and wrap my arms around her as she's doing it, which can sometimes flare up my own desire for her because she's doing something nice "domestic" like and I find that I become attracted to her and want to touch her, which leads to the physical attraction part of things. I do think this all comes down to individual attraction as what one person gets "turned on" by vs someone else can change and their physical responses tend to be the same but the mental and emotional ones can vary significantly. 

2. The question I have needs a bit of back ground so please bare with me. My wife's sister is A-Sexual (how she identifies), whenever we are around each other she feels the need to do things like; trying to hold my hand, places her foot on mine, has sat on me and kissed the back of my neck, ask if she can kiss my forehead, likes to sit on me in general, winks and makes sexual innuendos and jokes at my expense, and generally does things that someone who is sexual would take as overt flirting. My wife is not bothered by this in the slightest and they both think it's funny because of how awkward it makes me. (Her sister is 20 (the A-Sexual), my wife is 23 and she has another sister who is 26 heterosexual with a boyfriend, and i'm 27). My wife and I are in an open poly relationship which adds to the uncomfortable feeling because the only "rules" we have are no guys (my wife is not fully lesbian but not interested in sex with guys so we just made it to be clear to potential partners) and no friends. I'm not sure how to take this, I know she identifies as A-Sexual (Ace) and that she seems to do it because she thinks it's fun to watch me squirm, but I'm not sure why someone would do those things to someone who's sexual knowing that it can lead to mixed signals, and possible sexual thoughts of them by the sexual person. Is it a maturity thing, or is she having feelings of attraction in her own way and this is how she expresses them. (I'm not joking when I say I would not put it past her and her sisters to "share" someone, when we first started dating her heterosexual sister offered for me to touch her boobs and they were both sitting on me messing with me). Needless to say her family dynamic is a bit strange when it comes to her siblings, which only amplifies this and she knows I find her sister attractive they all are so it makes things even worse for me. I have expressed this to my wife and she still just finds it amusing. Any thoughts or feedback would be greatly appreciated. 

 

Best Regards,

Ariel. 

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SusannaC

@ArielV313

Ugh!!!!! No matter what her orientation, that  behavior sounds inappropriate and disrespectful to you.  I would question her motives for sure!

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alibali

Whatever the reason its a violation of your privacy.  It sounds like the motivation is a wind up to me. Being open or poly doesn't mean you want to be intimate with just anyone. 

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anisotrophic

@ArielV313 it absolutely sounds like a disrespect of boundaries. I think "might not be ace and isn't understanding herself" is a charitable interpretation; the alternative is just being an A-hole. (My partner once quipped, "being an A-hole isn't on the asexual spectrum".)

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Skullery Maid
7 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

@ArielV313 it absolutely sounds like a disrespect of boundaries. I think "might not be ace and isn't understanding herself" is a charitable interpretation; the alternative is just being an A-hole. (My partner once quipped, "being an A-hole isn't on the asexual spectrum".)

Yeah this looks a lot like using sexuality as a weapon to bully. Your partner should be trying hard to make you feel safe imo. 

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