Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Guest]

11 minutes ago, AnnaPanni said:

Hi all!

I would like to ask for your help!

 

I would like to get more into the topic of BDSM and sex toys, but I'm really afraid,

and I feel super guilty (which I actually know I shouldn't be, but still)...

 

Where do you think I should start? Is the internet a good place to buy my first toy?

 

 

 

Yep definitely. If you are buying standard sex toys then the big online stores are great, it's easy, discreet, and affordable (unless you're looking for something fancy). If you are looking for proper BDSM tools though I would recommend looking for the smaller, more specialised stores. The stuff they sell in the big sex toy shops are generally crappy quality, and a lot of the people buying are just experimenting and don't really know what they're doing so the reviews aren't very reliable.

[AnnaPanni]

2 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

big online stores

By this you mean places like Amazon or Ebay? ( We usually use AliExpress, the "western" stores are extremely expensive these parts. Is that good too, or nay?)

 

[Guest]

On 2/15/2021 at 2:38 AM, Matthew42 said:

As I see it:

Some interesting thoughts here so I'm going to respond to each point.

• Right now we can't do much.  Yeah, it sucks.
• In normal times, kink is mostly safer than sex. But that doesn't matter, because of the bigger picture. I disagree with this, I'd say that all kink is riskier than sex, because the requirement for extreme discretion and the shifting of power dynamics opens up a lot of opportunities for abuse. The community dynamics are also an issue, as often abusers take on positions of leadership in local communities (running munches, setting themselves up as an experienced authority on a subject) and it is incredibly difficult to speak out against such people. And that's in addition to the direct risk of many kinky activities, my main kink is bondage and that is always risky, no matter how careful and education the people involved are.
• Impact play, and therefore most sadism and masochism, are generally illegal in UK and US, and becoming more so in the UK because of misunderstandings around domestic abuse and changes to the law in the Domestic Abuse Bill. This doesn't matter ... except when it does. Are there any particularly problematic parts to the bill? I haven't been paying attention
• Breathplay is extremely dangerous, and also about to become explicitly illegal in the UK. Is this under the domestic abuse bill? Again, I haven't been paying attention.
• Bondage on its own is probably not enough for me, almost certainly not enough to maintain any sort of relationship, and probably incompatible with a healthy platonic friendship in most cases. Personally I find bondage play to be entirely compatible with healthy platonic relationships, but YMMV.
• "Sexual" kinks are complicated, and one of the main reasons for worrying about my greyness. 
• In many areas kink and kink events are tolerated, but I expect them to be much less tolerated after (as well as during) the pandemic. I don't see that happening, most venues are just desperate to get people back using the spaces, and don't see any reason why kink events in particular wouldn't be welcome, any more than they have been in the past anyway. I know my local community have already secured venues for 2 new regular play parties once such gathering are legal again, and for one new munch.
• There is zero chance of the political climate for kink improving in the next decade or so in the UK; I expect social attitudes to become more conservative if anything, and even though the younger generation is generally more liberal, muddying the waters around abuse makes it much harder - and some of this is legitimate, even if it is a nasty moral tradeoff between different oppressed groups. Hmm I'm not sure of this, I think that on the whole social attitudes are becoming more liberal. There are always wobbles in trends but that trend has been pretty consistent over the past century and I see no reason for it to reverse now. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if once we've had a chance to recover from the shock of Covid there will be a jump in liberal attitudes and response to being repressed for so long.
• IMHO it will be much more difficult to organise play parties after the pandemic. BDSM events are often hosted by venues that mostly cater for swingers events (i.e. sexual orgies). The market for that will be greatly reduced, and many businesses involved will be out of business. I addressed this above, but I have to say I have never been to a BDSM event in a venue which hosts swingers events/sex parties... 
• It will probably be years before casual physical intimacy (hugging people outside of my household) is possible again, somewhat socially acceptable, and within my acceptable risk threshold.
• Private play and kink dating are just *way* too dangerous, especially for asexuals (at least for me). I don't date, but I enjoy private play, and it can be done safely (as safely as kink can ever be) with trusted play partners if precautions are taken. Again this a YMMV thing.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, AnnaPanni said:

By this you mean places like Amazon or Ebay? ( We usually use AliExpress, the "western" stores are extremely expensive these parts. Is that good too, or nay?)

 

I actually meant big online sex toy shops like lovehoney, but year amazon's good too. Sorry I have no idea what be good in Hungary  🤔

[AnnaPanni]

33 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

I actually meant big online sex toy shops like lovehoney, but year amazon's good too. Sorry I have no idea what be good in Hungary  🤔

Thanks anyway!

 

I'm looking at Lovehoney right now, it doesn't ship here 😕

And the price.... HELP (for comparison: the minimum wage here is less than 3 american $ /hour)

[genex]

1 hour ago, AnnaPanni said:

Where do you think I should start? Is the internet a good place to buy my first toy?

 

 

 

Good Vibrations is a great store/site.  They are great and do a lot of education and are super non-judgemental if you go in person (here in the Bay Area, CA) - this is their website https://www.goodvibes.com/s

[Ceebs]

4 minutes ago, genex said:

Good Vibrations is a great store/site.  They are great and do a lot of education and are super non-judgemental if you go in person (here in the Bay Area, CA) - this is their website https://www.goodvibes.com/s

Anna is in Hungary though, and the shipping charge to international countries says $55 USD on their site.

 

Besides Lovehoney, I've mostly used PinkCherry, but I'm gonna guess that most of these sex toy-specific sites might not be the best, unless there's one based in a region of Europe that would make it financially reasonable to buy from them. I'd go with Amazon if you can find anything there, I think. 

[AnnaPanni]

Thank you all for the help!

[RandomAce8701]

20 hours ago, AnnaPanni said:

Hi all!

I would like to ask for your help!

 

I would like to get more into the topic of BDSM and sex toys, but I'm really afraid,

and I feel super guilty (which I actually know I shouldn't be, but still)...

 

Where do you think I should start? Is the internet a good place to buy my first toy?

 

 

 

I strongly recommend Bondatrix, however whether they ship to Hungary is another question post-Brexit.

 

Amazon is mostly junk, be careful. But more generally with solo masochism or solo bondage you need to be careful - how do you know whether you are breaking skin, for example? I recommend one of the online video rope tutorials if you're thinking about rope; tying your feet is relatively safe under competent supervision (with shears close to hand), but rope is risky if you don't know what you are doing.

Edited February 20, 2021 by Matthew42
Added a bit more

[RandomAce8701]

20 hours ago, theV0ID said:

Some interesting thoughts here so I'm going to respond to each point.

• Right now we can't do much.  Yeah, it sucks.
• In normal times, kink is mostly safer than sex. But that doesn't matter, because of the bigger picture. I disagree with this, I'd say that all kink is riskier than sex, because the requirement for extreme discretion and the shifting of power dynamics opens up a lot of opportunities for abuse. The community dynamics are also an issue, as often abusers take on positions of leadership in local communities (running munches, setting themselves up as an experienced authority on a subject) and it is incredibly difficult to speak out against such people. And that's in addition to the direct risk of many kinky activities, my main kink is bondage and that is always risky, no matter how careful and education the people involved are.
• Impact play, and therefore most sadism and masochism, are generally illegal in UK and US, and becoming more so in the UK because of misunderstandings around domestic abuse and changes to the law in the Domestic Abuse Bill. This doesn't matter ... except when it does. Are there any particularly problematic parts to the bill? I haven't been paying attention
• Breathplay is extremely dangerous, and also about to become explicitly illegal in the UK. Is this under the domestic abuse bill? Again, I haven't been paying attention.
• Bondage on its own is probably not enough for me, almost certainly not enough to maintain any sort of relationship, and probably incompatible with a healthy platonic friendship in most cases. Personally I find bondage play to be entirely compatible with healthy platonic relationships, but YMMV.
• "Sexual" kinks are complicated, and one of the main reasons for worrying about my greyness. 
• In many areas kink and kink events are tolerated, but I expect them to be much less tolerated after (as well as during) the pandemic. I don't see that happening, most venues are just desperate to get people back using the spaces, and don't see any reason why kink events in particular wouldn't be welcome, any more than they have been in the past anyway. I know my local community have already secured venues for 2 new regular play parties once such gathering are legal again, and for one new munch.
• There is zero chance of the political climate for kink improving in the next decade or so in the UK; I expect social attitudes to become more conservative if anything, and even though the younger generation is generally more liberal, muddying the waters around abuse makes it much harder - and some of this is legitimate, even if it is a nasty moral tradeoff between different oppressed groups. Hmm I'm not sure of this, I think that on the whole social attitudes are becoming more liberal. There are always wobbles in trends but that trend has been pretty consistent over the past century and I see no reason for it to reverse now. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if once we've had a chance to recover from the shock of Covid there will be a jump in liberal attitudes and response to being repressed for so long.
• IMHO it will be much more difficult to organise play parties after the pandemic. BDSM events are often hosted by venues that mostly cater for swingers events (i.e. sexual orgies). The market for that will be greatly reduced, and many businesses involved will be out of business. I addressed this above, but I have to say I have never been to a BDSM event in a venue which hosts swingers events/sex parties... 
• It will probably be years before casual physical intimacy (hugging people outside of my household) is possible again, somewhat socially acceptable, and within my acceptable risk threshold.
• Private play and kink dating are just *way* too dangerous, especially for asexuals (at least for me). I don't date, but I enjoy private play, and it can be done safely (as safely as kink can ever be) with trusted play partners if precautions are taken. Again this a YMMV thing.

Thank you for taking the time to answer in detail!

 

Re safety ...

• In general, it's not the act of a spanking that is dangerous. Bruises are relatively safe.
• However, the fact that it is underground *does* make it harder to deal with abuse. What if you are a top in an abusive relationship? What if a serious assault occurs at a play party? The police may or may not be sympathetic, and that ambiguity makes it harder to get help. Which is really really hard anyway! If they are good, and have the time, they will try to deal with the more serious offence, but abuse is really hard to prosecute and has awful clear-up rates - they may be tempted to go for the easy win.
• Having said that, just because something is illegal doesn't mean it's a policing priority.
• Some kinks are really damn dangerous, as you say.
• Consent violation is *major* problem in the vanilla world too. So are abusers in positions of power.

 

Bondage is only dangerous because of 1) some technical issues, especially with rope, and 2) you have to trust your partner (and yes, that's the point, that's what makes it hot for some people). Hence my warning about private play. If I was to post an advert as a rope bunny, there's a good chance of people making assumptions and something awful happening. Which would be much more likely if I wasn't male. So you have to be careful, and get to know people first. As I said, beyond my current risk thresholds, partly because I don't trust myself to judge people, partly because of my relatively poor communication skills. However if you have friendly and non-sexual rope partners, whom you also consider to be friends, people you can talk to, that's great to know; it was something I was looking for back in the day when this was possible.

 

Really though I'm not saying kink is safe, I'm saying sex is dangerous.

 

Lifestyle dominance and submission (D&S) and abuse is a whole other question, which I don't feel competent to have an opinion on and doesn't appeal to me. Coercive control law is relevant there.

 

Re changes in the law (UK specific):

• The Domestic Abuse Bill explicitly restates R v Brown. R v Brown basically says that injury amounting to "actual bodily harm" (fuzzily defined but can include bruising etc) can never be consensual. There is a ridiculous exemption for passing on an STD in consensual sex if you were aware of it. Which of course is unsafe but consensual - but a spanking is much safer and yet prohibited.
• It also grants powers to create secondary legislation, including under that section.
• Its definition of abuse appears to cover consensual kink, as long as there is some sort of personal connection, i.e. it might not cover one-off casual hookups, but that's just stupid and dangerous except at a party. If so, the other powers and obligations can potentially be very serious for the kink community.
• It passed third reading in the Commons in July last year. It's going to be law and cannot be stopped. In any case there is nobody really working on this from the kink community. It is approaching 3rd reading in the Lords.
• One set of demands that didn't get into the Commons version was to make non-fatal strangulation and suffocation a specific offense. Arguably this is a good idea; breathplay is one of the most dangerous kinks, strangulation in domestic abuse is a real concern, and the law generally does not take it very seriously.
• They are trying to reintroduce that in the Lords version, but the government has promised to add it to a separate bill.

The only play parties I've been to have been hosted in swingers' venues. It may be a regional problem. Rope events can be hosted anywhere, but play parties are problematic, there are a small number of towns that tolerate them and you have to travel. They are very sensitive to local licensing and policing; it's a matter of making a pilgrimage to the nearest place where kink is tolerated. And the market for swingers parties is just so much bigger - hence them being hosted in the same place. Even venues specifically set up for kink end up providing swingers parties. But that may be very much a local perspective.

 

Then there are the psychological and orientation questions. But they are very much colored by the environment - how much kink is tolerated, as a genuine minority interest community as opposed to a joke in vanilla relationships.

 

As for the pandemic... emerging from it is likely to be gradual, and I'm definitely at the careful end of the spectrum. That also colors all of this.

 

(Sorry for all the edits, I don't think I need a spoiler given the group)

Edited February 20, 2021 by Matthew42

[cursedpurple]

Hi, I'm kinky (into latex/other shiny things, gentle BDSM (no pain please, but I'm an incredibly subby kitten who has fantasies of more gentle/loving pet stuff, especially the idea of being collared and gagged, I have so many dumb fantasies relating to that), forced fem (but only if it's loving, not humiliating, I want to be somebody's maid!) and some other stuff. I guess generally I'm into things that are dom/sub but not involving pain, although teasing and humiliation can be fun too.) I'm currently confused a bit about my asexuality and kink because for me I don't want kink to be a sexual thing but also I get aroused by it and have masturbated to these fantasies before (even though I don't feel good after masturbation, it used to be something I did), so does that make it sexual? I want some fun experiences with being dressed up, I want to feel latex and it looks so nice, I want to be a subby pet for somebody, and these things are sexually arousing for me even though I don't want them to be sexual experiences.

Also, I have a kink for feminine fashion stuff/dressing up cute which is annoying because I want to do that in a non-kinky way too as just how I present as a person, whenever I just want to wear clothes I think are cute I get aroused by it (although the arousal goes away after a short time)

 

So, can I still say my kink is asexual if I get aroused by it? How do you deal with things being kinks that are also things you want to enjoy in a non-kinky way? How do I find people who are into "fluffy BDSM" (or whatever this kink is that I have, is there a name for "kink but without pain and stuff")?

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, cursedpurple said:

So, can I still say my kink is asexual if I get aroused by it?

Sure, arousal and masturbation don't make someone not asexual. It is the desire to share that sexuality with another person that is (allo)sexual.

 

25 minutes ago, cursedpurple said:

How do I find people who are into "fluffy BDSM" (or whatever this kink is that I have, is there a name for "kink but without pain and stuff")?

The same way you find people into not-fluffy BDSM, by interacting with people in the kink community.

[genex]

3 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

Sure, arousal and masturbation don't make someone not asexual. It is the desire to share that sexuality with another person that is (allo)sexual.

 

Yes! That was something I was struggling with too and realized that the kink activity being a turn on is separate.  My conflict was that my kinks require another person but i just want to share the kink with them, not necessarily have sex with them

[cursedpurple]

6 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

The same way you find people into not-fluffy BDSM, by interacting with people in the kink community.

I'm still under 18 so I've not found any spaces where I can comfortably do that  they all seem to be adults only, even if you're not looking for sex. 

[Guest]

Just now, cursedpurple said:

I'm still under 18 so I've not found any spaces where I can comfortably do that  they all seem to be adults only, even if you're not looking for sex. 

ah ok, yeah nothing to do there but wait until you are an adult.

[RandomAce8701]

6 hours ago, genex said:

Yes! That was something I was struggling with too and realized that the kink activity being a turn on is separate.  My conflict was that my kinks require another person but i just want to share the kink with them, not necessarily have sex with them

And there you have summed up one of the main sources of my confusion around "grey asexual". Especially if you'd only do some of your kinks with people you trust - you can get it confused with demisexuality.

 

Although actually my practical experience of kink mostly hasn't been very arousing. It has been fun though. Fantasy is different... and some kinks that I find intensely arousing in theory I carefully avoid in practice.

 

It's okay to be a sex-repulsed or penetration-averse allosexual. It's okay to be a grey asexual. It just gets a bit confusing, but the labels are sometimes helpful to explain.

[cursedpurple]

Is it normal to like things as kinks that are also things you like in an un-kinky way? I have a kink for wearing feminine clothes but it's also something I like in a non-kinky way and it's annoying and invasive to have kinky thoughts about it (and arousal) when I just want to wear something nice for the day. Is there a good way to deal with things like this that are kinks but also you want to experience them as not kinks? I wish there was a way to just disable my kinks in everyday life and then re-enable them when I want to enjoy them.

Edited March 12, 2021 by cursedpurple

[RandomAce8701]

On 3/12/2021 at 2:30 PM, cursedpurple said:

Is it normal to like things as kinks that are also things you like in an un-kinky way? I have a kink for wearing feminine clothes but it's also something I like in a non-kinky way and it's annoying and invasive to have kinky thoughts about it (and arousal) when I just want to wear something nice for the day. Is there a good way to deal with things like this that are kinks but also you want to experience them as not kinks? I wish there was a way to just disable my kinks in everyday life and then re-enable them when I want to enjoy them.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Don't worry about inappropriate arousal. It's our behaviour that matters, not how we feel at that precise moment. Although men need to be somewhat careful (e.g. clothing) that they're not too obvious.

 

I had a lot of worries about this for a while. But allosexuals get aroused all the time, and often set out to cause arousal even when they have no intention of having sex. It is not shameful, even if it is a different stimulus to what they might expect.

 

If it's just part of your everyday life then it's less taboo, it's not something to worry about. As long as you're not pushing something on other people or putting yourself at risk - you need to know the local culture, but at least here ambiguous clothing is much more acceptable than it was in the past.

 

Also, when I first joined the kink scene, one thing I was worried about - but never happened - was that I'd get aroused and possibly climax in a non-sexual scene. In that context, discuss it in negotiations if it's a risk, but it's not a big deal.

 

Anxiety sucks. But doing something and thinking about it can be very different. Thinking about something can be highly arousing while the actual act isn't at all arousing. I used to have problems with overhearing something and then something close to a full blown panic attack... because I feared I might find it arousing... my usual anxious bullshit.

 

One caveat: don't push yourself further than you are comfortable with. I've occasionally ruined good things by thinking I could handle it and then getting into trouble later on. So it's tricky to find the right balance.

 

Re cross-dressing and possibly gender issues hopefully others have more insight. Also if this is a big problem you might want to get help, but be careful to find somebody both qualified and open-minded.

Edited March 14, 2021 by Matthew42

[S0rrowSong]

A question to all tickle-kinksters out there:

How did your asexuality affect your interaction with other ticklephiles? Were they understanding if you didn‘t want it to become sexual or did experience rejection as a result?

In my experience, many feel a deep connection between tickling and sex. When I brought my (grey-)asexuality, I was greeted with confusion at best and insults at worst.

 

Would love to hear some stories if you want to share them^^

[cursedpurple]

I wish my kinks weren't related to things (clothing items and such) that I want to wear on a daily basis. I feel like I can't live my life normally because I have an arousal reaction to these things that I just want to be my everyday casual clothes, damn it! I do find that after wearing them more for a bit it gets less intense but it's still certainly there and still enough to be distracting and make me feel bad about being inappropriately aroused too much  

And these clothes are the clothes I'd prefer to wear as part of my gender presentation too, so that adds another layer of tangles into this annoying web of "why does my body not want me to wear a skirt?"

It's not even seeing things in the world that lead to arousals but literally wearing things myself that does, but they're the things I want to wear! It sucks! The arousal does go away after a short while but it's enough of a worry for me that I don't wear what I want to wear.

Edited March 22, 2021 by cursedpurple

[cursedpurple]

is it a dumb thing to do to try and "de-sexualise" your kinks in your mind? I've been trying to do that by engaging with my kinks in a non-sexual context frequently, which seems to make my libido less responsive to them. But then when I fap it's to things related to these kinks so maybe that is making my libido feel more like the kinks are something sexual? I just want to be able to enjoy them in a completely non-sexual way, but I feel like I get a certain distance towards doing that and then ruin it because the urge is too much. (sorry if this is TMI but this is the kink thread lol)

Edited March 28, 2021 by cursedpurple

[Ceebs]

9 minutes ago, cursedpurple said:

But then when I fap it's to things related to these kinks so maybe that is making my libido feel more like the kinks are something sexual?

I'm pretty certain that if you're masturbating to something, that something is sexual for you. I really doubt you'll be able to completely desexualise whatever your kink is.

[cursedpurple]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

I'm pretty certain that if you're masturbating to something, that something is sexual for you. I really doubt you'll be able to completely desexualise whatever your kink is.

I think it's sexual to my body but not to my mind - I don't feel anything sexual based on it mentally but I do get aroused and do mastubate. I understand that I will probably never be able to completely desexualise it but I really want to? I guess I need to avoid stimuli relating to it when I need to masturbate? Or is this entire attempt a lost cause from the start?

[Ceebs]

@cursedpurple I guess I'm questioning why you feel a need to desexualise it. There's nothing wrong with having kinks. Loads of people do. Is trying to accept that and be ok with it an option for you?

 

I used to wonder/worry if some of the stuff I've discovered I'm into that's in the BDSM realm of things made me... oh I don't know, a bad person or a bad feminist or if it meant there was something fucked up about me. (I mean, there is stuff about me that's fucked up lol, but not that stuff.) Hell, I used to feel shame about simply being sexual. But whatever turns us on just sort of... is. There's probably a handful of things that are worrisome (say, interest in minors), but otherwise there's nothing wrong with kinks.

 

I don't know if acceptance seems like something you could work towards, but that's probably the healthiest way of approaching it if you can. 

[cursedpurple]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

@cursedpurple I guess I'm questioning why you feel a need to desexualise it. There's nothing wrong with having kinks. Loads of people do. Is trying to accept that and be ok with it an option for you?

 

I used to wonder/worry if some of the stuff I've discovered I'm into that's in the BDSM realm of things made me... oh I don't know, a bad person or a bad feminist or if it meant there was something fucked up about me. (I mean, there is stuff about me that's fucked up lol, but not that stuff.) Hell, I used to feel shame about simply being sexual. But whatever turns us on just sort of... is. There's probably a handful of things that are worrisome (say, interest in minors), but otherwise there's nothing wrong with kinks.

 

I don't know if acceptance seems like something you could work towards, but that's probably the healthiest way of approaching it if you can. 

it really would be best to accept it, but I'm struggling with that - a lot of my kinks are related to things that I want to be completely normal unsexual unkinky parts of my life that unfortunately they are not due to the fact I have those kinks (especially for wearing feminine clothes, which is something i want to do literally every day) and getting unwanted arousals sucks and can be a pain to manage in social situations. Ideally I just want my kinks gone, or all the sexual side of them gone. I understand this is impossible though. I know conciously that this isn't a problem and that unwanted arousals are a problem allosexuals have literally all the time, but the fact my body responds sexually to things bugs me.

[RandomAce8701]

1 hour ago, cursedpurple said:

it really would be best to accept it, but I'm struggling with that - a lot of my kinks are related to things that I want to be completely normal unsexual unkinky parts of my life that unfortunately they are not due to the fact I have those kinks (especially for wearing feminine clothes, which is something i want to do literally every day) and getting unwanted arousals sucks and can be a pain to manage in social situations. Ideally I just want my kinks gone, or all the sexual side of them gone. I understand this is impossible though. I know conciously that this isn't a problem and that unwanted arousals are a problem allosexuals have literally all the time, but the fact my body responds sexually to things bugs me.

Aren't you asking the wrong question?

 

Why are you aroused by wearing feminine clothes? Is it because you want to be a woman / more feminine, or because you want to be uncomfortable, or because you're afraid of getting caught? Is it a gender issue or a kink? Either could be arousing!

 

Talk to some transwomen, cross-dressers and sissies. Do your homework, then carefully and respectfully ask on the relevant forums. Or get some open-minded professional help.

 

And don't listen to me.

[cursedpurple]

23 minutes ago, Matthew42 said:

Aren't you asking the wrong question?

 

Why are you aroused by wearing feminine clothes? Is it because you want to be a woman / more feminine, or because you want to be uncomfortable, or because you're afraid of getting caught? Is it a gender issue or a kink? Either could be arousing!

 

Talk to some transwomen, cross-dressers and sissies. Do your homework, then carefully and respectfully ask on the relevant forums. Or get some open-minded professional help.

 

And don't listen to me.

it's certainly a gender issue for me - I do want to be more feminine and present in a cute way. Although it also does play into kink, as being dressed up cute/a soft version of forced feminisation (especially maid outfits! I love those~) is a kink of mine. I just want to be able to do that without my libido going wild for it and just wear what I want (maybe not a maid outfit in public lol). I think I exist at a weird intersection of kink and gender with regards to feminine clothes which is uncomfortable for me - I don't want to be having a sexual response to a thing that's a gender identity thing for me and I just want to present like that in everyday life.

[RandomAce8701]

4 hours ago, cursedpurple said:

it's certainly a gender issue for me - I do want to be more feminine and present in a cute way. Although it also does play into kink, as being dressed up cute/a soft version of forced feminisation (especially maid outfits! I love those~) is a kink of mine. I just want to be able to do that without my libido going wild for it and just wear what I want (maybe not a maid outfit in public lol). I think I exist at a weird intersection of kink and gender with regards to feminine clothes which is uncomfortable for me - I don't want to be having a sexual response to a thing that's a gender identity thing for me and I just want to present like that in everyday life.

I can certainly sympathise with sometimes getting aroused thinking about or starting things that are essential for moving forward in your life, but which are bloody difficult.

 

My guess is it will go away. If inappropriate arousal is a problem, can you make it less obvious? Is this based on worrying about what might happen or what has actually happened? If it is simply that you are worried about it, can you try to introduce it gradually?

 

If it really is a worry, one option is to play with your refractory period: can you masturbate quickly enough that you can do it before showering and getting dressed in the morning? Most people with male plumbing have a refractory period of about an hour. Obviously this is a bad idea if you're going to get bogged down in pornography... personally I either 1) masturbate purely manually in about 10 minutes or 2) use porn and it takes hours... If you can keep it quick, masturbating even several times a day is not a concern medically.

 

Above all, don't be ashamed of wanting to dress up as a woman. But be safe. And try to get to know some TWs if you can; I shouldn't be giving advice on this given my privilege and no doubt I've got something important wrong. Most people don't immediately come out in public to everyone; one of my best friends would change into more appropriate clothing, and do local shopping, after getting back from work, and was out to several friends, but it was a year or more before she came out to work, changed her name and eventually got on the waiting list for drugs... But today she is a confident, happy, attractive, brilliant woman (I'm a bit demi...).

 

Good luck!

[RandomAce8701]

I've had a lot of worries about inappropriate arousal over the years. I've overheard something or seen something and convinced myself that I have to escape, that I'm doomed to another cycle of dysfunctional masturbation to probably-not-entirely-legal pornography about acts which are way too risky to carry out. At its worst it was close to a full blown panic attack. But it was based on a belief that I couldn't control myself and would end up masturbating or spontaneously ejaculating in public etc; that I couldn't get away; that I'd be drawn down an addictive path; that I "had to" do something, fear, shame and guilt. A combination of weird and dangerous kinks (and exaggerated perception of risk), shame over masturbation, a belief that I was broken, a belief that I could fall down a deep dark hole and lose control, and all the usual complications with not having come to terms with my asexuality (which is still complicated), limited experience, ongoing anxiety issues, and loneliness...

 

It was all driven by shame and anxiety, and to some degree loneliness. Counseling did help somewhat. As for the scene, it mostly doesn't matter, though sometimes there is something to negotiate on and plan for.

 

Anyway... I came out the other side. We can manage these things. Though I'm not at all clear how I will deal with the future, especially in terms of friendships and possibly relationships, especially if my current family network falls down. But I'm in a much better place than I was.

 

At the very least, if I have to live alone again I'll need people to hug. And that's going to be difficult with the pandemic... I still worry that I'll "need" to have some sort of relationship, that friends are not enough, that you can't rely on them, they move on more quickly than I can gain new ones, and I never know where I am with them.

 

And to top it all off, one of my options for maintaining a physical relationship - kink - is looking much riskier (legally) and less socially acceptable than it was before the pandemic. Well, we'll see.

 

Thanks for opening up anyway!

[cursedpurple]

15 hours ago, Matthew42 said:

I can certainly sympathise with sometimes getting aroused thinking about or starting things that are essential for moving forward in your life, but which are bloody difficult.

 

My guess is it will go away. If inappropriate arousal is a problem, can you make it less obvious? Is this based on worrying about what might happen or what has actually happened? If it is simply that you are worried about it, can you try to introduce it gradually?

 

If it really is a worry, one option is to play with your refractory period: can you masturbate quickly enough that you can do it before showering and getting dressed in the morning? Most people with male plumbing have a refractory period of about an hour. Obviously this is a bad idea if you're going to get bogged down in pornography... personally I either 1) masturbate purely manually in about 10 minutes or 2) use porn and it takes hours... If you can keep it quick, masturbating even several times a day is not a concern medically.

 

Above all, don't be ashamed of wanting to dress up as a woman. But be safe. And try to get to know some TWs if you can; I shouldn't be giving advice on this given my privilege and no doubt I've got something important wrong. Most people don't immediately come out in public to everyone; one of my best friends would change into more appropriate clothing, and do local shopping, after getting back from work, and was out to several friends, but it was a year or more before she came out to work, changed her name and eventually got on the waiting list for drugs... But today she is a confident, happy, attractive, brilliant woman (I'm a bit demi...).

 

Good luck!

my plan now is to try and go gradually, introducing more feminine clothes in parts so I can eventually build to being able to wear full outfits I like without worrying about inappropriate arousal. I started in earnest today, and I'm going to continue.