Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Simpleton001]

How is one asexual, sadistic and an anti-violence activist?

[literarily]

It's really interesting reading posts on this thread! I thought I was the only one who has a kink so integral to their sexuality/libido, but I see some others experience it too. I identify on the gray spectrum sexually and romantically, though I'm still exploring all of this and the labels. I've had a kink around softcore bondage/people being tied up as long as I can remember and it's the only thing that reliably works for me to get turned on. I don't usually like it if it involves explicit sex or sexual organs, so in that way I thought it might be a bit aego, though I do enjoy elements of it in reality. My sexual attraction tends to fizzle out quickly with new partners so I have to incorporate or imagine that element to enjoy things. It's always felt strange and kind of embarrassing to me, but I feel better knowing I'm not alone.

[Jarle]

Sooooo... I may have agreed to doing a shibari session with a friend once lockdown eases off - any heads up on what to expect? I trust her to communicate, listen and respect my boundaries, but it's still something that's completely new to me

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Jarle said:

Sooooo... I may have agreed to doing a shibari session with a friend once lockdown eases off - any heads up on what to expect? I trust her to communicate, listen and respect my boundaries, but it's still something that's completely new to me

I assume you will be being tied? Apologies if not, I'm a rope bottom so I'll give my thoughts from this side, not very relevant if you are topping.

 

 How it goes varies a lot on the top and their experience. If this is to be a learning/practice session for her then be prepared for lots sitting around as they tie and undo and re-tie. Personally I really enjoy that process but some people, even those who really enjoy bondage, find it very boring.

 

Be prepared to have to hold potentially uncomfortable positions for long periods of time. Wear comfortable clothes which are easy to move in, but not loose enough to make tying difficult, tight exercise clothes like leggings are good. Go to the toilet before you begin. If you are not familiar with the rope type being used try it against you skin before you begin as some fibers can be irritating to some people. Do research on nerve compression, wrist drop etc. and be very aware of how your hands and feet are feeling at all times when being tied, the top will be relying on you to tell them as soon as anything begins to feel strange, and if you are new it can be very difficult to tell the difference between nerve issues and less serious blood circulation issues.

 

If you are completely new to bondage make sure they are aware that you don't know how it may effect you, for example I go completely non-verbal and all floppy when I'm in "rope space" which can be alarming and potentially dangerous if the top is unprepared.

 

The are a lot of rope jams and peer rope groups doing online meetings at the moment, it might be a good idea to join one of those to get a better idea of how it all goes.

[Hailtheplatypus]

That sounds really interesting, although that might be my desire to play with someone who shares my enthusiasm for BDSM stuff. Lately ive only really had the opportunity to do stuff with people who are willing to help but arent really interested at all in play.

[Tj_1]

5 hours ago, theV0ID said:

I assume you will be being tied? Apologies if not, I'm a rope bottom so I'll give my thoughts from this side, not very relevant if you are topping.

 

 How it goes varies a lot on the top and their experience. If this is to be a learning/practice session for her then be prepared for lots sitting around as they tie and undo and re-tie. Personally I really enjoy that process but some people, even those who really enjoy bondage, find it very boring.

 

Be prepared to have to hold potentially uncomfortable positions for long periods of time. Wear comfortable clothes which are easy to move in, but not loose enough to make tying difficult, tight exercise clothes like leggings are good. Go to the toilet before you begin. If you are not familiar with the rope type being used try it against you skin before you begin as some fibers can be irritating to some people. Do research on nerve compression, wrist drop etc. and be very aware of how your hands and feet are feeling at all times when being tied, the top will be relying on you to tell them as soon as anything begins to feel strange, and if you are new it can be very difficult to tell the difference between nerve issues and less serious blood circulation issues.

 

If you are completely new to bondage make sure they are aware that you don't know how it may effect you, for example I go completely non-verbal and all floppy when I'm in "rope space" which can be alarming and potentially dangerous if the top is unprepared.

 

The are a lot of rope jams and peer rope groups doing online meetings at the moment, it might be a good idea to join one of those to get a better idea of how it all goes.

Hi! I am genuinely curious because I've always been interested in this kind of thing but shied away from the sex part of it (and have only recently realised this is because I'm asexual) and in most things I try and research it's basically a form of foreplay. How does this work for you? And where do you meet other people who are interested in it? 

P.s. sorry if this has come across as rude, it's not my intention at all, I am just really curious!

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, Tj_1 said:

Hi! I am genuinely curious because I've always been interested in this kind of thing but shied away from the sex part of it (and have only recently realised this is because I'm asexual) and in most things I try and research it's basically a form of foreplay. How does this work for you? And where do you meet other people who are interested in it? 

P.s. sorry if this has come across as rude, it's not my intention at all, I am just really curious!

Hi, this didn't come across as rude at all

 

I am sex averse so any form of sexual play is a hard limit for me, and I make this very clear whenever I discuss potentially playing with anyone ("playing" being a general term for any sort of BDSM scene). This has never caused any problems for me, there are a great many kinky people who are happy to play non-sexually, and I have never had any shortage of people willing to do any sort of "scene" within my strict "no nudity, no genital contact, no sexual talk, if you become aroused keep it to yourself" rules. I am aware that some of my play partners do find what we do together sexual, but so long as they don't try to make that my business I don't care.

 

For meeting people, I attend munches, which is a vanilla meetup for kinky people to meet, hang out, eat food/drink, and discuss anything kinky or otherwise. Most large-ish towns in the UK have at least one regular munch, though of course they aren't running as usual at the moment due to covid, many of them have gone online.

 

Also if you are specifically interested in rope then many cities also have a peer rope group, where you basically meet up and learn how to do shibari. This is a particularly great environment for aces, as they generally happen in places like town halls, sports halls etc. and so are entirely non-sexual. They are also great for newbies as they are a very low key, relaxed and fun environment, which lots of people attend alone, where you can try out tying or being tied in a complete safe way with lots of experienced people around to keep an eye on you. I met my rigger at the first peer rope I attended.

[Tj_1]

27 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

Hi, this didn't come across as rude at all

 

I am sex averse so any form of sexual play is a hard limit for me, and I make this very clear whenever I discuss potentially playing with anyone ("playing" being a general term for any sort of BDSM scene). This has never caused any problems for me, there are a great many kinky people who are happy to play non-sexually, and I have never had any shortage of people willing to do any sort of "scene" within my strict "no nudity, no genital contact, no sexual talk, if you become aroused keep it to yourself" rules. I am aware that some of my play partners do find what we do together sexual, but so long as they don't try to make that my business I don't care.

 

For meeting people, I attend munches, which is a vanilla meetup for kinky people to meet, hang out, eat food/drink, and discuss anything kinky or otherwise. Most large-ish towns in the UK have at least one regular munch, though of course they aren't running as usual at the moment due to covid, many of them have gone online.

 

Also if you are specifically interested in rope then many cities also have a peer rope group, where you basically meet up and learn how to do shibari. This is a particularly great environment for aces, as they generally happen in places like town halls, sports halls etc. and so are entirely non-sexual. They are also great for newbies as they are a very low key, relaxed and fun environment, which lots of people attend alone, where you can try out tying or being tied in a complete safe way with lots of experienced people around to keep an eye on you. I met my rigger at the first peer rope I attended.

Hi! Thank you so much! This is all so helpful!

I just have one more question, for the online meetups do you have any recommendations on sites or wording? The couple of times I've tried to look into it I've been led down some weird paths 😅

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Jarle said:

Sooooo... I may have agreed to doing a shibari session with a friend once lockdown eases off - any heads up on what to expect? I trust her to communicate, listen and respect my boundaries, but it's still something that's completely new to me

Make sure she knows what she is doing - with rope you can easily cause permanent damage if you are not experienced. Tingling, numbness, etc should be an instant "get this off me". There are a lot of good blogs on safety about it for tops and bottoms. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Tj_1 said:

Hi! Thank you so much! This is all so helpful!

I just have one more question, for the online meetups do you have any recommendations on sites or wording? The couple of times I've tried to look into it I've been led down some weird paths 😅

Fetlife is the place for finding kink meetups. If you are visually repulsed it's not great but anything kinky which is going on will be organised via Fetlife.com.

 

Sign up for the site, type the name of your local town/city/county into the search bar in the top left corner, then click on the Groups tab and join ones for your area, you can chat with locals on there and any events will be advertised in those groups. Also look on the Events tab for upcoming events.

[Hailtheplatypus]

I feel like ive had very little success with fetlife. Ive gone to a bunch of meets and stuff in the past and havent met anyone nearby with similar interest to mine. It was pretty disappointing. Hopefully your luck is better than mine. 

[QuoVadis]

So this sounds like a good thread to explore in, but how does one even start getting their foot in the door with power play stuff? I still strongly feel that I'm okay with not having 'normal partnered sex' really forever because it's just never been good for me and I already have a primary sexual fetish (not BDSM or power play) that sort of 'overtakes' that arousal template for me. Two people doin' it only turns me on if I inject certain ideas about physical strength and power play, but I've never been able to play out those roles in my own personal relationships.  

However, over the years I've always felt this undercurrent that I'm attracted to the idea of being powerful and somehow conflating my sense of "I have my shit together" in real life with "actual sexual/powerful agency," and even though my confidence isn't where it probably ought to be to play the role of a domme just yet, I think at the very least I want to peg a dude LOL. "Normal" partnered sex doesn't do really anything for me, and my sexual fetish is wholly unrelated, so it leaves me in this space where I want to explore, yet I think I'd have to really pitch or sell myself as a curious person, and not necessarily an experience person. But I'm desperate to try with someone and see if it's actually a headspace I could consider myself in, sexually speaking. 

 

Does that make sense? 

[QuoVadis]

On 5/30/2020 at 10:38 PM, CampFire said:

Yes, I am! It’s been so hard finding other ace people who are into it! I personally have no desire for physical sex however since I was 17 I’ve been attracted to people saying certain things that relate to being fat/gaining weight/not being conventionally attractive. I’ve actually found that the only way for me to get « aroused » is by reading fan fiction, it’s all very mental for me. Interesting thing is: as a kid I was extremely fatfobic and I had a hard time accepting my attraction. Thankfully now I’m not fatphobic anymore but I have a feeling this attraction might come from this somehow ? I’ve fully accepted it but I’m still afraid to tell people about as I fear 1. Lacking respect to fat people and fetishising them 2. Being juges by others for being attracted to something that is not considered to be conventionnally attractive. 

Including you on this too @TheFatDrake since you were quoted in the original;

Also hopping on this thread - spoiler alert in my above post - that's my fetish hahaha. I've had a feederism/weight gain fetish since I was not even old enough to know what a sexual fetish was. I just didn't realize until now, at the age of 30, that when you're only aroused by THAT and not aroused by PEOPLE, there's not really a way to force yourself to be aroused by partnered sex and humans by themselves. It's frustrating it took so much therapy and feeling alienated by, well, literally everybody and their 'normal' experiences of sex to make me go, "Oh..... that's.... my sexual paraphilia. And I can't do anything about it." 

 

So I've been on Grommr, Feabie, FF, all those places, for years. Just have never thought about how it's really a sexual fetish and how that effectively leaves me asexual as a result. Bodies and brains are friggin weird, yo. If you ever want to DM me about that particular interest, I'm keen on it. I'm still trying to understand how it would work in a real relationship, too. And you're right. I wouldn't want to go out and just date a fat guy so I can play with his belly all the time; that would be truly objectifying, I think, to him. But yet.... that's the only thing that makes me feel not broken; it's the only topic/visual that makes my body go, "!!!" where just attractive humans and sexual situations are what do that for everybody else. 

[Contradictory Asexual]

I am both submissive and scared of submitting. I have never actually ever involved myself with any sexual activity with anyone else (aka, I’m still virgin) but I know that if I were to, I’d never put myself in control. And yet, I don’t trust anyone enough to dominate, and I’m not brave enough to ask someone. And my only real obvious kink is bondage, though it would be light. As in, tied down, not really able to move, but not a lot of ropes or anything. And no one understands this. Basically, I want to submit, want to be tied, but am far to scared to ask anyone. 
Another part is my asexualality. People know about it (and are luckily accepting of it) but how do I bring up that I’m sex-positive? They didn’t know they aces existed until I explained it, and I only could get it into their heads that I don’t feel sexual attraction, so saying that I have a kink is contradictory to that. 
 

[Jarle]

@Serran @theV0ID thanks for the heads up - we're both inexperienced, but she's taking it incredibly seriously and is able to answer any questions I've thrown at her. She's also sent me resources in addition to the ones I've found on my own, and is in general a great communicator, so I honestly think I'm in good hands. 

[MarkBartra]

I'm interested in the topic of bdsm, but my girl is shy about it, so I'm trying to diversify our sex life.

[Sailor Cat]

So, my fantasies are very kinky. But I don't wanna do it in real life, cause I don't wanna associate my partner with any of this. The only thing I could imagine are my non-sexual fetishes.

[stephanomxd]

On 10/26/2020 at 1:00 PM, Sailor Cat said:

So, my fantasies are very kinky. But I don't wanna do it in real life, cause I don't wanna associate my partner with any of this. The only thing I could imagine are my non-sexual fetishes.

YES! I am happy someone else feels the same way. I could never do these sexual fantasies with a partner of mine. I don't know the reason its just difficult to think about. I have many kink and most of them are non sexual.

[Rosendust]

Spoiler

So, I have officially entered a polyamourous dynamic. I am very fortunate for this dynamic, for sure. And the cuddles are an added bonus!!💜

 

[MarRister]

I've not really explored kink at all and see myself as quite vanilla. My current sexual partner though seems to be much kinkier. We are still just kind of getting to know each other but he has definitely given some clear signals he is into pain/pleasure dynamics and seems to be a switch.. maybe? I'm not particularly against it or anything, I just don't find it does much for me personally or can make me a little uncomfortable sometimes. At this point I would probably rather be in a more dominant role (though I'm a bit awkward with that) than a submissive one just because I feel like I don't have enough trust in him yet. 

 

I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this situation to fulfill both parties. And how to find my own boundaries and build that trust to where I feel okay with that situation. Like for example, he made a light suggestion he would like to tie me up, but I just don't think I could handle that at this point without getting a bit freaked out. While I am not comfortable with the idea right now, I think it could be something kind of fun if I feel that I can trust them completely and/or if I could get myself out of any restraints easily enough. I don't really think he would ever do anything intentionally that would make me uncomfortable or scared, but I guess I get worried he would idk..get caught up in the moment and not realize or something..

[Guest]

@Marsa Sounds like the first thing you need to do is sit down and have a proper talk about what he is into, and how into it is he (i.e. can he be happy and fulfilled in a relationship without these things). You can't consider it fully while it is just signals and light comments.

 

In return you should make it clear where you currently stand regarding each of his kinks. As a person who likes lists I would probably write everything he mentions down and sort them into 4 categories: "Into" (I'm enthusiastic about trying this), "Tentative" (I'm ok with trying this but not sure if I'll like it), "Soft Limits" (I'm not comfortable doing this at this point but might be in future), and "Hard Limits (hell no never happening).

 

Beyond that it's just a process of getting to now each other, building trust, experimenting carefully and with lots of negotiation and safe words. Also keep in mind that some people simply aren't kinky, don't try to force yourself into things which you don't enjoy or aren't comfortable with, that way lies resentment and trauma. If you are incompatible, best to figure that out sooner rather than later.

 

Finally I'd recommend joining Fetlife and checking out the "novices and newbies" group, they have a load of great resources compiled for newbies, on topics varying from how to figure out what your into, to negotiation, staying safe, and importantly for you relationships with vanilla partners (mostly from a kinkster approaching vanilla perspective, but some stuff for vanilla partners too) etc. and you can ask questions on the forums too.

[MarRister]

Thanks @theV0ID for that thoughtful response 😊 I will definitely have an actual talk about it with him. I do think that alone would already make me a lot more comfortable with some of it.

[GingerRose]

I am confused because fetishes and kinks on google are define as sexual. Are they called something else when they aren't sexual, are they still the same?

[Missing]

@GingerRose Fetishes and kinks are still referred to the same way when asexuals have them. Fetishes are inherently sexual in a manner of speaking, but an asexual might have a fetish while still experiencing no sexual attraction toward any people or while still experiencing no innate desire for partnered sex. So while fetishes are erotic by definition, they’re not always experienced in a way that would be much different than how, for example, an asexual with a libido might be really into certain kinds of porn. Kinks, on the other hand, aren’t always sexual. They’re not even always sexual for sexual people who have them. It could be more of a sensual interest, or a fulfilling kind of psychological experience, or any of the many other reasons people can find kink enjoyable.

[GingerRose]

1 hour ago, Mackenzie Holiday said:

@GingerRose Fetishes and kinks are still referred to the same way when asexuals have them. Fetishes are inherently sexual in a manner of speaking, but an asexual might have a fetish while still experiencing no sexual attraction toward any people or while still experiencing no innate desire for partnered sex. So while fetishes are erotic by definition, they’re not always experienced in a way that would be much different than how, for example, an asexual with a libido might be really into certain kinds of porn. Kinks, on the other hand, aren’t always sexual. They’re not even always sexual for sexual people who have them. It could be more of a sensual interest, or a fulfilling kind of psychological experience, or any of the many other reasons people can find kink enjoyable.

Thank you for clearing this up for me! Your definition of kink is really helpful.

[terianoen]

On 11/22/2020 at 7:13 PM, Mackenzie Holiday said:

@GingerRose Fetishes and kinks are still referred to the same way when asexuals have them. Fetishes are inherently sexual in a manner of speaking, but an asexual might have a fetish while still experiencing no sexual attraction toward any people or while still experiencing no innate desire for partnered sex. So while fetishes are erotic by definition, they’re not always experienced in a way that would be much different than how, for example, an asexual with a libido might be really into certain kinds of porn. Kinks, on the other hand, aren’t always sexual. They’re not even always sexual for sexual people who have them. It could be more of a sensual interest, or a fulfilling kind of psychological experience, or any of the many other reasons people can find kink enjoyable.

I really appreciate your explanation of this. I feel like our culture is sometimes so submerged in this idea of sexualizing everything that we forget not everything has a sexual context. People can carry out their kinks without making it a sexual experience. Even BDSM done right doesn't have to be inherently sexual in nature. 

[puppyscruffy]

Hi all,

Just joined this site and see that this thread is where I belong! Pup here, been doing pup play for over 13 years now, with a hand full of other fetishes like spandex, chastity,  bondage, control, submission, etc. For me pup play is about headspace and a way to put aside the stresses of being a person and just go to a more primitive or primal version of yourself. It's always been mostly non-sexual for me, which is decidedly not the direction the gay pup and handler community is heading in nowadays.

 

I had no idea you could be kinky and asexual until a guy on Recon who identifies as ace filled me. Once I learned that all kinds of things started to click into place in my head. I'm working my way through reading this thread (so many pages!) but seeing alot of stuff that also lines up with my experiences.  I'm happy to chat about what pup play is if any one has questions or interest in it, and I hope that I can explore what it means to be kinky and not explicitly interested in sex here.

[buzzsaw133]

Can someone please help me understand how the large, teddy bear of a human being (myself) ended up as the dom to a brat sub? I don't know how this happened... we were discussing consent, GYR (Green-Yellow-Red) and each others boundaries and some-freaking-how we uncovered that she is a repressed brat sub.

 

I'm not complaining and I genuinely think I love her, but I'm just trying to figure out what possessed whatever twist of fate/divine mandate/cosmic joke caused the 6 FOOT BEAR-MAN TO DOM TO A 5'4" BRAT SUB. This is confusing...

[Kernel.Panic]

I'm confused why big dude being a dom to a brat girl sub is something confusing? I feel like there's some info missing.

 

Anyway, since this is sorta kink-confession club:

 

I'd like to try some bdsm stuff, preferably non sexual kind of things. The psychological aspect of the power-play-pretend seems intriguing and I don't feel like I need to even undress for that, in either dom or sub role; however, I'm super anxious about potentially doing real harm to the other person, or having a sort of a breakdown when playing as a sub... feels like it will remain in the realm of fantasy, sigh.

[Guest]

@buzzsaw133 I'm confused... what does your height and body type have to do with anything? Presumably it "happened" by you having a conversation about your kinks, realising you were both interested in a dom/brat dynamic, and then negotiating and consenting to that dynamic.