Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[MattPlymouth]

Hello, 

I found this all really interesting as I have struggled with my identity based on my fetishes. 

I have always been interested in leather and when I hit puberty started watching leather videos. I never really liked the sex part but the lead up. This developed further but again I prefer the lead up to the final event. 

I still look at guys and if they are wearing leather I'm interested / attracted (struggled to know what that means) but if they aren't wearing it I don't have that same feeling. 

This has been really hard to help me identify myself. 

 

Thanks for listening. 

Edited June 3, 2020 by MattPlymouth
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[Rosendust]

Spoiler

So I wrote a letter to a mutual friend asking them to be my platonic Dom, and I just hope they'll understand my reasoning behind me asking them. It sucks being in Submissive Mode and no one to serve, because my So's not into kink.   

 

[Burgundy]

*trying to delete my post*

[Rosendust]

Spoiler

To follow up on my last post:It's been a few days and still no reply. I know he's busy with his work being essential and what not, but i'm so anxious that he's angry with me.

 

[ElasticPlanet]

On 6/3/2020 at 5:32 PM, Littleface said:

I like mainly stuff like leather and latex. The second the clothes come off it's not interesting anymore

Exactly! 😏

[zalynaxa]

I've never really had a community of asexual people around me, and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only kinky ace person. For a while I felt like a fraud because I do enjoy BDSM. I don't experience aversion for sex, and my romantic partner isn't asexual, so there was definitely a time when I thought that I had the "wrong" identity because I do have sex with him (and often in a kinky way).

[Ess-Kat]

Glad I found this thread. My kink is (mainly non-sexual) age play. I like the idea of someone caring for me and be allowed to act more care free in a way. That and reading erotic books involving various aspects of BDSM. I don't mind reading or watching sex and things character do. Just don't feel the need to do anything in real life. I thought it was strange at first to like BDSM (and other kink things) and be asexual... Turn out it okay to be both. 

[caffeine]

a question to people who are active on fetlife - is it me and my (pretty dead) geo region, or is the site less active than usual lately? I think my acocunt is two or so years old, I made a pretty big pause where I hadn't logged in at all, and now going back, it seems like the level of activity is entirely different. not much discussion going on... pretty much all the groups I had found currently host tumbleweeds and I can't seem to find any active ones that I can join / engage with. I mean I realise some of the things I'm searching for are probably a bit rare but I'm not into super niche stuff either so... what gives?

[batmmann5]

23 hours ago, caffeine said:

a question to people who are active on fetlife - is it me and my (pretty dead) geo region, or is the site less active than usual lately? I think my acocunt is two or so years old, I made a pretty big pause where I hadn't logged in at all, and now going back, it seems like the level of activity is entirely different. not much discussion going on... pretty much all the groups I had found currently host tumbleweeds and I can't seem to find any active ones that I can join / engage with. I mean I realise some of the things I'm searching for are probably a bit rare but I'm not into super niche stuff either so... what gives?

The carona virus.  When people are not actually meeting, not as much to talk about.  Yes, the local group activity has gone way down and I imagine all groups have, but just not as noticeable by me.

[Asexy in Miami]

i was occasionally a dom, back when i had sex, and i'd be ok with being one now (as long as it's platonic). it's definitely not a requirement for me.

[Púca Caife]

As someone who has a long list of fetishes people often mistake as being inherently sexual, I appreciate this thread existing on this site. It's news to a concerning number of people that BDSM/kinks/fetish does not equate sex.

[eric68]

On 6/9/2020 at 1:10 PM, zalynaxa said:

I've never really had a community of asexual people around me, and it makes me feel better that I'm not the only kinky ace person. For a while I felt like a fraud because I do enjoy BDSM. I don't experience aversion for sex, and my romantic partner isn't asexual, so there was definitely a time when I thought that I had the "wrong" identity because I do have sex with him (and often in a kinky way).

can you enjoy sex not in a kinky way 

at times

[Risuel]

//First post here//
Honestly, I am so happy to see so many other Ace Kinksters here
Feels like it took me forever to realise that you can be into BDSM *and* Ace! 

Anyone here who also find it oddly satisfying to read stuff about BDSM rather than watch porn? 
Also how did you guys figure out you were Ace and a Kinkster/Fetishist?

[Guest]

On 6/15/2020 at 4:13 PM, caffeine said:

a question to people who are active on fetlife - is it me and my (pretty dead) geo region, or is the site less active than usual lately?

Yep. Probably just that due to Covid people can't actually meet up and do kinky stuff IRL so they have less to talk about, and it's not on their minds. Many people also probably have other things like financial problems taking a lot of their attention right now. Personally I've not been on Fet much because it's like being taunted with what I can't currently have.

 

14 hours ago, Risuel said:

Also how did you guys figure out you were Ace and a Kinkster/Fetishist?

I figured out I was ace when I got past the "late bloomer" age and still had no interest in partnered sex, though I didn't discover the term "asexual" until a few years later. I got into kink a few years after that. I just thought one day "you know what, I really want to be tied up and blindfolded... I should find out how to get that", googled it, found fetlife, found a munch just around the corner from me that weekend, attended, and thus the journey began.

[Rosendust]

Spoiler

Well, I think my partner has had a change of heart and has decided he'll indulge me in mild kink. Progress, right?

 

[johanan]

i find this conversation very insteresting

Edited July 31, 2020 by johanan
confidential

[Guest]

On 6/15/2020 at 4:13 PM, caffeine said:

a question to people who are active on fetlife - is it me and my (pretty dead) geo region, or is the site less active than usual lately?

I've had the same realization. It also depends on the groups you're in. Some groups continue to have pretty high activity, while others have maybe a couple of new posts per day. 

The ones that do seem that have high activity - from what I've noticed - are the ones that don't focus solely on kink but general conversation; getting people to engage and mingle even if only online. 

There is one group where I try to be active because I like group and want to do like "lead by doing" thing. By posting, maybe others will be more comfortable to post as well. Something I realized is that there are people around bit if no new thread is created, they won't post. So maybe a nudge is what they need. Ultimately, people choose when to post and we'll just have to see when it picks back up.

[Guest]

Mini vent:

Lately I've been feeling a bit despondent. I know F/m isn't easy to find anyway. What relationship is, in the grand scheme or things? But I feel a bit discouraged because I want a specific type of relationship and I'm more into the dynamic itself than BDSM play (the latter rarely comes to mind...rarely). And so far many guys are more into the flipside of this.

 

But I know. I'm not going to change what I'm looking for. Although I often wonder if finding a balance is something I should seriously consider. We'll see.

[Guest]

I would imagine most social networking sites are kinda dead in general right now. People have way too many stress points and can't meetup, so less interested. 

[Omelette]

On 7/16/2020 at 7:12 PM, Risuel said:

//First post here//
Honestly, I am so happy to see so many other Ace Kinksters here
Feels like it took me forever to realise that you can be into BDSM *and* Ace! 

Anyone here who also find it oddly satisfying to read stuff about BDSM rather than watch porn? 
Also how did you guys figure out you were Ace and a Kinkster/Fetishist?

Reading does more for me too. I mean, I haven't tried watching porn, but I generally prefer books to movies. It's generally easier for written words to get into my head and push my buttons, nsfw or otherwise. With kink, there's also the additional layer that a lot of it focuses on sensations. I find it easier to enjoy those sensations if they are directly described.

 

I guess one of my first steps into kink was the result of being a weeb! I was looking into historical weaponry and fighting styles which involved rope, and I came across a book on hojojutsu (set of techniques for capture/torture used by ancient Japanese law enforcement). That led me to shibari, the rope bondage art/hobby which stemmed from it, and...well, after the shock of realizing that people actually do this, I thought it would be fun to try )

[buzzsaw133]

I'm not sure of the term or even if others feel this way... but without a doubt, my biggest kink is... odd, I think. It's when my partner(s) are more intelligent than me, but not in a condescending or insulting way. Like an educating way that might eventually become an intellectual arms race. The more intelligent they become, the more I learn and the more intense the feeling becomes... which in term, might cause them to learn more and continue the cycle of learning and creativity. Doesn't even have to involve physical contact... just being out in public and correcting me with factual information (trusted sources help) is game over for me. Full Swoon.

 

As for kinks... I've done a lot of studying and learning about BDSM and kink-things (unsure of terms), but never really had the opportunity to get involved. I'm happy to learn more and here to do exactly that.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, buzzsaw133 said:

I'm not sure of the term

Sapiosexual?

[Omelette]

Bit of a difficult time. I've been thinking and I realized that even if it wasn't for the current pandemic, I probably wouldn't have the guts to get involved in the local scene or the ability to do so safely.

 

Every guideline mentions making friends at munches before playing with anyone. It feels exhausting and unethical to pretend to care about multiple people, in a crowded place (*before the pandemic), for potential, maybe, eventual safety information that may not even be accurate. (I say pretend because I can't really do the real thing).

 

To that, adding social ineptitude to the level that it regularly takes me months to years to realize that hey, someone seemed to be interested in doing rope bondage with me, or someone was flirting with me, or someone was a downright creep. This all either goes over my head, or it just triggers my anxiety because my brain labels it as 'overwhelming attention' without being able to grasp if it's good or bad, and then I just...retreat.

 

To that, add a lack of self-esteem which makes it so I can't approach people myself without feeling like I'm wasting the air they breathe.

 

Oh, and I'm also asexual.

 

I just feel a bit down about it.

[BrazenHammer]

On 8/15/2020 at 11:13 AM, Omelette said:

Every guideline mentions making friends at munches before playing with anyone. It feels exhausting and unethical to pretend to care about multiple people, in a crowded place

Since kink will often put someone in a vunerable position, even more vunerable than a sexual encounter in some cases, it's always best to make sure you establish a good relationship with someone and make sure you trust them and they trust you before any play ensues.

 

I sympathise that the scene is an intimidating place. As an introvert, munches always sounded like hell to me.

 

If you feel this is the only way for you to meet someone, then you could get in contact with your local munch organiser through Fetlife. They are usually very supportive and will have dealt with others in the past who find social contact stressful or exhausting.

 

At my local munch, they will invite you to come early so you're not overwhelmed with people, and then as people arrive, they'll introduce you to the regulars who they think you'll get on with.

 

Another option is dating apps; there are even some specifically for kinky folk. Of course, a lot of people of those will be looking for kinky hook-ups (not a good idea), or sex (not good for us aces), but if you are upfront with your kinks, your expectations and yours boundaries, you may meet a future friend or future romantic partner who you can play with once your relationship develops.

 

Hope something in there helps, and sorry to hear that you're feeling down 🎂

[Guest]

[redacted]

[aring91]

I use to be really into female domination and feminization porn but I cut it out of my life, for me it just preys insecurities and loneliness.   

[Guest]

[redacted]

[Skiver]

On 7/16/2020 at 2:12 PM, Risuel said:

 

Anyone here who also find it oddly satisfying to read stuff about BDSM rather than watch porn? 
 

I find reading about BDSM much more stimulating than watching porn. When I've watched porn my usual reaction is: "wow, that is some really bad acting".

[Hailtheplatypus]

Hello everyone, 

 

Im super glad to find out this exists. Ive always been a fan of Latex and BDSM stuff, but was never sure how it interacted with being Ace. I initially left the server around 2013ish because I was unable to reconcile these feelings.

[skepticalatheist]

It was only kink and booze that made my sex life and marriage possible..at least untill it wasn't.  I find many things erotic...just not intercourse or kissing.  (kinda like licking the inside of anothers mouth while they try and do the same to you.  However did that become a precursor to procreation?)