Kink, BDSM, and Cake

[Guest]

I really fricken miss kink. It's been... 10 bloody months since I last had straight jacket or rope time. Damn you covid.

[buzzsaw133]

10 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

I'm confused... what does your height and body type have to do with anything? Presumably it "happened" by you having a conversation about your kinks, realising you were both interested in a dom/brat dynamic, and then negotiating and consenting to that dynamic. 

It's not necessarily anything about height/body type... and now that I've thought a bit about it, it makes more sense. It's her first venture onto the "dark side" if you will and I was kinda thrown by her willingness to discuss. I apologize if I came off badly to people, that one's on me.

[ae.adeline]

On 10/11/2020 at 7:18 PM, Contradictory Asexual said:

I am both submissive and scared of submitting. I have never actually ever involved myself with any sexual activity with anyone else (aka, I’m still virgin) but I know that if I were to, I’d never put myself in control. And yet, I don’t trust anyone enough to dominate, and I’m not brave enough to ask someone. And my only real obvious kink is bondage, though it would be light. As in, tied down, not really able to move, but not a lot of ropes or anything. And no one understands this. Basically, I want to submit, want to be tied, but am far to scared to ask anyone. 
Another part is my asexualality. People know about it (and are luckily accepting of it) but how do I bring up that I’m sex-positive? They didn’t know they aces existed until I explained it, and I only could get it into their heads that I don’t feel sexual attraction, so saying that I have a kink is contradictory to that. 
 

I am also kinky, on the ace spectrum and sex-positive, so your comment resonates a lot. 

 

I've been doing rope (western/aestetic style and Japanese/traditional style) along with different power dynamic for awhile now, and I'd say the best thing to do is communicate. It's scary, really scary. Especially if you're new and more of an s-type. But in my experience the kinky/fetshist community is really open to listen.

 

The first time I came out to a play partner I thought I would faint mid-explaination! But they were very patient with me and understood right away it was a big thing for me. They prompted just enough to keep me going. (I was REALLY lucky, I realized that after) Others just stopped talking to me entirely, but even if the rejection hurts I'm happy these people didn't stick around. If they're not ready to acknowledge that my experience with sex and kink/fetish is different from them but still valid, if I can't be open with my experience of kink with them, what's the point? (I personnaly am more looking for friends and play partners who can also become friends, but that's me. )

 

With bondage, if I don't have a great communication with my partners I just don't tie them/get tied (even if they're this amazing rigger/bunny and everybody thinks I'm crazy to refuse because "OMG this is XYZ!!"

 

I also encourage you to do a bit of research on bondage (if you didn't already) to understand what appeals you in the practice and to be able to explain to potential partners what you want exactly. There are to many types of rope practice out there, narrowing down the list is a good way to filter the potential partners. 

 

For the sex-positive part, it's still a struggle for me too. Sometimes people just put me in the "they don't know what they want but they're cool" box and that's it. I don't really put a tag saying I'm ace and sex-positive either because yeah, people get confused as hell. In some context it's just easier to let it slide and not do the long prepared speech because they don't really want to hear it. (And it's a draining conversation for me) Mostly I keep my kinks sexless and I feel good about it, but sometimes it really grips me and I feel really uneasy with myself. 

 

This was an essay, I realise that. I really hope my answer will help you on your journey!
 

[alto]

I think I may be into DD/lg.  One of my friends keeps calling me "aunty" and I really, really enjoy it.  It's not a sexual rush.  But I enjoy the responsibility of logging on to my Discord to take care of him every day (in an emotional sense) and cyber-cuddling with him.  I don't really know where to go from here, and would appreciate any advice I can get.

[~Sirena~]

On 12/17/2020 at 1:00 PM, theV0ID said:

I really fricken miss kink. It's been... 10 bloody months since I last had straight jacket or rope time. Damn you covid.

MY GOD. If this isn't a mood, I don't know what is.

 

[Bombadilo]

Has anyones first experience with partnered sex / sensuality been through bdsm?

 

Am I crazy for thinking maybe I'd like to try kink out when I've never been in any remotely sexual or romantic situation?

 

(Warning for over-share...)

 

I'm single and I've never had sex, and I don't think I'm ready to it (yet), but I want to experience some of these sensations without an emotional attachment or the expectations to come along with a relationship (they just seem like too much effort tbh).

 

I just don't do it for myself, I think? But unexpected sensations please me, and the thought of being a sub and an object of pleasure and satisfaction is intriguing.

 

Not in a degrading or sadistic way, but the idea of being used for the pure primal urge to mate really turns me on (oh gosh, so embarrassing).

 

It has nothing to do with me finding them attractive (because I won't) or even them finding me so (as long as they don't insult or degrade me I don't much care), only that basic desire.

 

I normally wouldn't trust anyone at all to do this, but the depth of discussion and understanding that is established before any action takes place in the bdsm world seems really reassuring to me. So open and honest, even if it is really confronting and intense!

 

What does everyone think? Is this a good way to (very slowly and carefully) introduce myself to sex, or a terrible way?

 

Thanks!

(I'm gonna go hide now )

Edited January 21, 2021 by Bombadilo

[theBetsAround]

Oh hey, my people!  This has been me my whole life, I think. I've really only tried vanilla sex 2-3 times and it was so boring. I actually convinced myself I wasn't ace for the longest time because I was into BDSM stuff. Particularly D/s and impact play.  I used to live in LA and got to explore the scene there a little bit, but have since moved back to my hometown and the scene in this state is much smaller.   It's hard to find someone trustworthy who is also interested in what you want to do, and who doesn't mind the lack of actual sex.

 

I also have a specific fetish (nothing super crazy, just a bit unusual!), and I feel like the wiring in my brain sort of took all the interest that was supposed to go towards "normal" sex and put it towards...that. Which is so dumb. But there's not a lot I can really do about it!  I'm glad to have a few different kinks that interest me enough, anyway.

Edited May 15, 2021 by theBetsAround

[RandomAce8701]

On 1/21/2021 at 1:26 PM, Bombadilo said:

Has anyones first experience with partnered sex / sensuality been through bdsm?

 

Am I crazy for thinking maybe I'd like to try kink out when I've never been in any remotely sexual or romantic situation?

 

(Warning for over-share...)

 

I'm single and I've never had sex, and I don't think I'm ready to it (yet), but I want to experience some of these sensations without an emotional attachment or the expectations to come along with a relationship (they just seem like too much effort tbh).

 

I just don't do it for myself, I think? But unexpected sensations please me, and the thought of being a sub and an object of pleasure and satisfaction is intriguing.

 

Not in a degrading or sadistic way, but the idea of being used for the pure primal urge to mate really turns me on (oh gosh, so embarrassing).

 

It has nothing to do with me finding them attractive (because I won't) or even them finding me so (as long as they don't insult or degrade me I don't much care), only that basic desire.

 

I normally wouldn't trust anyone at all to do this, but the depth of discussion and understanding that is established before any action takes place in the bdsm world seems really reassuring to me. So open and honest, even if it is really confronting and intense!

 

What does everyone think? Is this a good way to (very slowly and carefully) introduce myself to sex, or a terrible way?

 

Thanks!

(I'm gonna go hide now )

I tried in 2019. It didn't really work, I upset people because of misunderstanding attraction and communication, then the pandemic happened and everything stopped.

 

I think really I got into kink for four reasons:

- It might be a way to have a physical as well as emotionally intimate relationship without the requirement of vaginal sex, to meet sufficiently open-minded people.

- Some kinks I historically had / was terrified of, which I didn't practice because they are just *way* too dangerous; looking for an alternative.

- Generally exploring the possibilities, identity, etc.

- HUGS. I only realised my need for hugs around that time, and if people will play with you at a party they'll probably also hug.

 

But the bigger context is a fear that I need a relationship or I'll always be lonely, with friends being transitory and rare.

 

Nowadays I think I probably won't go back to play parties after the pandemic. And kinky dating is just unsafe; even with a safety call, meeting somebody for the first time with the intention of being tied up is way beyond my safety profile. Worse, not only is most of it illegal, it's about to get a lot more illegal (in the UK). I'm considering throwing out my toys (some of them technically offensive weapons ) and deleting my Fet account (admittedly when I was more active that was a pretty regular occurrence!). In light of Trump, BLM, and the pandemic, I'm more lawful aligned than I was (and I was always anxious about that), and I'm probably a bit less huggy, even in the long run. And it mixed up with my anxiety way too much...

 

A more theoretical response, which I'd have given in 2019, is go for it. There are open-minded, friendly, helpful people, and what happens at play parties typically isn't very sexual anyway; lots of people are looking for play without sex, or play without penetration, or whatever. Although a lot of people only play with people they're attracted to, and this can be awkward. And as you said, negotiation and consent are crucial. Sadly there are still predators in the BDSM scene, as there are everywhere, and there are still misunderstandings, but on the whole there is a much better understanding of the idea of limits.

 

One warning though: if what you want is actually sex, that may not go down too well. It can definitely be seen that way, but as a newbie it may be difficult to explain. You might want to try some other things especially re submission etc... "I want to be used sexually" looks a bit too much like the average immature allosexual looking for a one-night stand..

 

Would be interested in others' experiences!

 

Spoiler

PS if it's actually about intercourse, it might be more about swinging rather than BDSM: explicitly no strings attached sex, often at parties, sometimes with e.g. blindfolds, barriers (glory holes) etc to make it more anonymous. That's a thing too. There's some overlap, but swinging is generally bigger. I'd recommend you start with something less explicitly sexual and frankly less risky (e.g. masochism, tickling etc) and see how you get on though. Even bondage for its own sake can be a lot of fun.

 

One of my issues is I'm not sure exactly how sex-repulsed I am, and how much of it is due to legitimate concerns over disease and pregnancy etc. It is tricky... with a few exceptions (breathplay, electricity, some aspects of rope, breaking skin, etc), kink is much safer than sex. Whereas kink relationships (D&S) are a much more complicated issue...

 

[Guest]

On 1/21/2021 at 1:26 PM, Bombadilo said:

Am I crazy for thinking maybe I'd like to try kink out when I've never been in any remotely sexual or romantic situation?

No. I have never had sex (well sort of, see below) or been in a romantic relationship. I have been actively kinky for years. 

 

On 1/21/2021 at 1:26 PM, Bombadilo said:

Has anyones first experience with partnered sex / sensuality been through bdsm?

Yes to sensuality, sort of to sex... I am autochorisexual (meaning I have sexual fantasies which I find arousing, but have no interest in actually doing those things IRL), and when I started experimenting with kink I thought that I might actually be able to enjoy sex as a part of kink. I was very, very wrong. Luckily I realised this very quickly and the friend I was with was cool with going back to doing entirely non-sexual kinky stuff. 

 

On 1/21/2021 at 1:26 PM, Bombadilo said:

Not in a degrading or sadistic way, but the idea of being used for the pure primal urge to mate really turns me on (oh gosh, so embarrassing).

.....

 

What does everyone think? Is this a good way to (very slowly and carefully) introduce myself to sex, or a terrible way?

Ok, that it rather different to what I was talking about... I may be interpreting this wrong, but it sounds like you are looking for rough primal sex rather than 'traditional' BDSM type stuff? 'Primal' is certainly a thing, but for my experience in kink communities (I'm talking IRL, munches etc. not online dating as I have no experience with that) people who are just looking for sex generally aren't that well received, due to experience with horny people who turn up looking for a quick shag and then disappearing when they realise that 'kinky' doesn't equal 'easy'. The people who are active in local communities (in my experience) tend to be interested in variations of BDSM, and (if they are looking for anything other than community) are seeking "play partners" for S&M, bondage, and D/s (often with sex included, but not always) or committed romantic relationships with kinky dynamics. I don't really have any advise for you as this is way off anything I am interested in, but maybe look into the sex party/swinger scenes?

[Reveon]

A lot of these responses are interesting. I've been wanting to try some kink for a while now in a kind of non sexual way. However, all the avenues I've explored have been tied to penetration etc. How do you even go about finding a space to explore when the goal of everything seems to involve somebody's junk?

[RandomAce8701]

On 2/2/2021 at 1:26 AM, Reveon said:

A lot of these responses are interesting. I've been wanting to try some kink for a while now in a kind of non sexual way. However, all the avenues I've explored have been tied to penetration etc. How do you even go about finding a space to explore when the goal of everything seems to involve somebody's junk?

Wait until the end of the pandemic. It's not safe at the moment.

 

If there is still a kink scene after that, get a Fetlife account, find the local chat groups, and look for munches and BDSM play parties. Play parties are generally not about sex, and some of them forbid it entirely, especially e.g. rope events.

 

Having said that, it's already mostly illegal. My guess is it'll be driven much further underground after the pandemic.

Edited February 3, 2021 by Matthew42
Rewrite to be less irresponsible, sorry folks

[Colossal]

So, the existence of this thread and reading some of the conversations in it is very interesting to me right now. In addition to kind of an unrelated crisis regarding me finally trying to figure out if I'm aro/how aro am I, I've ended up on corners of the internet where kink comes up a lot (the Venn diagram of the D&D and kink communities on some social media platforms is almost a circle), and I'm realizing there are aspects of kink that appeal to me, and reconciling those thoughts with being ace was hitting real weird before reading some people's experiences here.

[AnnaPanni]

Hello!

I'm very new to this topic, as I have started to do self pleasure sessions less than a week ago, but I imediately realised

I like to feel dominated (I hate the 50 shades story BTW)

It was really good to read throug this thread to realise there was nothing wrong with me

So ummm... hi fellow dirty-minded people!

[rainyrainbow]

46 minutes ago, AnnaPanni said:

(I hate the 50 shades story BTW)

Yes me too. The dom in that story is just a jerk and the writing isn't that great. Someone insisted I read it (and finish the book before making assumptions about the dom) so I did that and I still did not like him lol. then i was told "No, you have to read all 3 books to understand him." No thanks! I'm sure there are way better books with more likeable characters but I haven't looked.

[AnnaPanni]

It would be really good if I could join and LGBTQ community, not to mention a kink com... It's so bigotec and homophobic here 😭

 

And I would love to have a girlfiend too, who would be close to me, and I would trust her to do all my "weird" things

 

Sorry, I'm little emotional today, and this feeling that I need a girlfriend here and now flooded my mind again 🙁

[rainyrainbow]

On 2/8/2021 at 11:33 AM, AnnaPanni said:

Sorry, I'm little emotional today,

You don't have anything to be sorry for! We all have emotions and it's fine to share them. I have been looking for someone to be close to but this pandemic is pretty bad here and so my ability to meet people is limited. I have similar feelings too. I try to keep myself busy but every once in awhile get sad just like you said, the feelings just pop up sometimes. it's ok.
I joined some groups on FL but they don't seem to be very active. I think it just takes time for people to find you and vice versa because there is no way to search users.

[RandomAce8701]

1 hour ago, rainyrainbow said:

You don't have anything to be sorry for! We all have emotions and it's fine to share them. I have been looking for someone to be close to but this pandemic is pretty bad here and so my ability to meet people is limited. I have similar feelings too. I try to keep myself busy but every once in awhile get sad just like you said, the feelings just pop up sometimes. it's ok.
I joined some groups on FL but they don't seem to be very active. I think it just takes time for people to find you and vice versa because there is no way to search users.

Agreed, it's generally not a way to meet people, and certainly not during the pandemic. The groups *are* useful for solidarity and answering questions though. But mainly it's a way to find events at which you might meet people IMHO.

 

And yeah, feelings and confusion around aro-or-not-aro, loneliness, fear of loneliness ... are hard.

 

You are not alone!

Edited February 10, 2021 by Matthew42
Added one sentence

[genex]

Just wanted to post on here as I am figuring out a lot about my Ace/aro and have kinks/fetishes so this thread has been wonderful.  I actually read through all 53 pages (over a few days) so it's great to know there's more of us out there!

[RandomAce8701]

A word of warning: now is not a good time to try to explore this in practice! Please don't break quarantine rules, they are there for a reason. And meeting people privately (and llegally) for kinky fun is downright dangerous (even regardless of Covid), especially for a mostly-sex-averse rope bunny masochist grey-ace like myself... though if I was female as well, it'd be *really* dangerous. Be careful!

 

I've completely given up on the scene for now because of not really having the emotional bandwidth at the moment as well as it being impractical.

 

However, if you do have the capacity to explore a bit, I recommend online munches, online rope events and other educational zooms. Rope in particular you can safely practice on yourself, or with a live-in partner, if you don't have disabilities that prevent it, have competent remote supervision, and you're careful. Note that it can be pretty risky even with a partner if you don't know what you're doing (e.g. nerve damage). Also there is plenty to read. And even online mental health workshops for kinky people (a lot of my anxiety issues were always connected to this stuff...).

 

Sorry, that got snipped from an edit of an earlier post.

As for me ... I've had a lot of that confusion we've been talking about. For many years I worried about some stupid things I'd done in my early adulthood, plus some definite indications that I might be a bit submissive or a bit masochist. 2019 I finally took the plunge, went to a few munches and a few play parties, asked lots of questions, met some wonderful people etc. But it was mixed up with not being sure whether I wanted some sort of relationship, and other problems, and I regularly thought of leaving the scene. Finally the pandemic hit. Some shopping to keep some suppliers in business, but nothing practical in 2020.

 

After the pandemic ... I'm not sure, but pretty negative at the moment. It will take a long time to get out of this, and it will be a gradual process, and IMHO kink will be even more underground than it was... I'm not sure I can deal with the illegality of the whole thing (to get worse in the UK). I'm not convinced that there will be play parties - relatively safe spaces with interesting furniture and friendly and understanding people. I'm not sure whether I want or have the bandwidth for any sort of non-sexual relationship. And I'm not sure whether kink is really a part of my makeup that I care about - or just a weird psychological quirk combined with something I've worried about for a long time and at times an autistic special interest. My anxieties always used to have a pattern: whenever there's anything big to worry about, I always ended up worrying about my (a)sexuality. That's still true to a degree, though that exploration and some counseling helped. But my guess is after the pandemic I'll just find a different sociable hobby.

 

Life is confusing. Kink did get some old worries out of the way, but it didn't make it any less confusing! If normal times ever return, it is probably possible to find people to play with who don't want sex (but bear in mind that for the mainstream there is 100% overlap with sex, and even in the scene a lot of people see it as sexual). But the more underground it becomes - because of changes in legislation and changes in attitudes - the harder and more risky this will be.

 

I think my conclusion is that when Covid is well and truly defeated, if there are play parties and rope events I may go to one once a month, because of the people and experiences you can't get any other way. Provided that they are able to operate relatively openly as they were before the pandemic, indicating that local town planning and law enforcement are tolerant, and provided that it makes my anxiety issues better rather than worse.

 

But we are a long way away from that point. Covid will not go away quickly, even with vaccines. While the government may be inept and incompetent, official advice is a minimum.

 

Be careful. Be safe. Cake all round!

[AnnaPanni]

I had a really strange, but extremely fun fantasy half-awake a few days ago, an I thought I would share it with you.

 

I went into a room dressed as a catgirl (ear headband, cute underwear, a tail held by a harness, long catpaw socks, collar, and fluffy catgirl gloves), I closed the door behind me. There was a girl in normal streetwear clothes sitting on a bed (I can't recall her face). I went to her, immitating a real-life cat. I was on my knees, pushing my head against her legs asking for pets (I could even purr!!!). She gave me headpats, scratched my chin, and asked me to be in her lap. I crawled on the bed, and put my head in her lap, and I got even more pets. As I was resting there, she started to remove her clothes one by one. I left her lap, so she removed her pants too.

Here the dream becomes a bit blurry.

I remember that my catgirl gloves could be buttoned together, and I couldn't pull my hands out. 

Spoiler

We had a lot of different sex acts, including toys and oral in a lot of different positions. I loved being the submissive. 

 THE END

[Guest]

I have a lot of kinks, very weird kinks and i must admit that i weren’t accepting of it as a young girl. I were sad because i weren’t interested in sex, but were only into some kinky stuff. And i’ve also read some discriminating articles and comments from people on how unusual and weird it was. 
I do accept myself more now, since i’m not the only one who’s aro/ace, single and are kinky. At least my kink aren’t harmful or hurt anyone. 

[rainyrainbow]

@Matthew42 I'm very careful when it comes to any sort of pandemic meeting up. This whole year i've only met with people after they've been able to isolate and that's been 4 people total, several months or weeks apart. I also am willing to take some risk if they are careful (only going to the grocery store) but only if I trust them.

Still, if I can meet people (I do outdoor meets mostly) and talk to them and get to know them, then given my demisexuality I may as well start now when they aren't allowed to touch me.

[rainyrainbow]

That's like....4 people total. The whole year. Lol. I don't mean just dating. Like, everyone.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Cocothecoconut said:

 At least my kink aren’t harmful or hurt anyone. 

Same here. It grinds my gears when people bash others' kinks despite being no worse than theirs, and when there's nothing wrong with it in the first place. It's not like one is asking them to take part in it by accepting or tolerating it either - even a simple "no thanks" or "not for me" is suffice.

 

Spoiler

For BDSM I'm not totally averse to it. However inflicting pain or domination is just something that really doesn't do anything for me, and flesh damage goes into the "nope" category. Rope bondage can be more interesting, but by the time it gets too tight too much it just makes me think "dang that looks really uncomfortable or painful". It may very well be about the taking part but, I reiterate, discomfort doesn't appeal to me that way nor does inflicting it.

 

[RandomAce8701]

1 hour ago, Sky Tune Rein said:

Same here. It grinds my gears when people bash others' kinks despite being no worse than theirs, and when there's nothing wrong with it in the first place. It's not like one is asking them to take part in it by accepting or tolerating it either - even a simple "no thanks" or "not for me" is suffice.

Part of me is definitely some kind of masochist. And that's okay! Age play is something I took a while to understand as something that can be healthy, it's just not for me. There are a few things that are genuinely dangerous (breathplay, electricity above the waist, feedism / encouraging anorexia), but most kinks (e.g. impact that doesn't break skin) are relatively safe, arguably safer than sex, although care is always needed. Or they would be if they weren't illegal pretty much everywhere. For me, lifestyle dominance and submission is more of an issue - I don't think I could maintain such a relationship in an equitable way. But it's what a lot of kinky people are looking for. However, it's okay to be a bottom, or to only submit in scene.

 

Deleted the rest of the message, kink is still mixed up with anxiety in a huge way for me.

 

Edited February 15, 2021 by Matthew42
Delete a lot

[RandomAce8701]

3 hours ago, rainyrainbow said:

@Matthew42 I'm very careful when it comes to any sort of pandemic meeting up. This whole year i've only met with people after they've been able to isolate and that's been 4 people total, several months or weeks apart. I also am willing to take some risk if they are careful (only going to the grocery store) but only if I trust them.

Still, if I can meet people (I do outdoor meets mostly) and talk to them and get to know them, then given my demisexuality I may as well start now when they aren't allowed to touch me.

I'm not judging or accusing you here, sorry if you got that impression! Getting to know people is good. Meeting outdoors has some risk, as you are clearly aware, but is often allowed. E.g. in England, meeting one person for a walk/exercise (with social distancing) is allowed even in the lockdown. I'm not meeting anyone... but I've moved back in with my family for now. Having some sort of social contact is a good thing. Of course for groceries generally the advice is to shop alone, but many people don't, some of them for good reason...

 

I'm of two minds about kink, as you can see!

 

I guess I'm saying that some people break the rules. Doing so at the moment would be very risky, primarily but not solely because of Covid. I'm glad you're not tempted to do so. If it was me, it'd be a real worry, that I couldn't take the next logical step etc... And for many people, including many in the scene, kink is still linked with irresponsibility; that's why we're unable to fight for equality in law, many kinksters don't care that what they do is illegal and could get them fired from a lot of jobs. People may think that talking about kink implies you'd be willing to break quarantine to practice it. And then accuse you of leading them on when you tell them that was not your intention. Even before my recent family problems, I didn't do any video dating or meet people in public, partly for that reason. Sorry if I've been projecting my tangle of anxieties here!

Edited February 15, 2021 by Matthew42

[RandomAce8701]

Kink is still mixed up with a lot of anxiety for me. I've mostly got past the stage of shame and worrying that I'm somehow broken because of things I did 20 years ago. But there are plenty of new worries, and it still all seems to come up whenever I have other problems...

 

As I see it:

• Right now we can't do much.
• In normal times, kink is mostly safer than sex. But that doesn't matter, because of the bigger picture.
• Impact play, and therefore most sadism and masochism, are generally illegal in UK and US, and becoming more so in the UK because of misunderstandings around domestic abuse and changes to the law in the Domestic Abuse Bill. This doesn't matter ... except when it does.
• Breathplay is extremely dangerous, and also about to become explicitly illegal in the UK.
• Bondage on its own is probably not enough for me, almost certainly not enough to maintain any sort of relationship, and probably incompatible with a healthy platonic friendship in most cases.
• "Sexual" kinks are complicated, and one of the main reasons for worrying about my greyness.
• In many areas kink and kink events are tolerated, but I expect them to be much less tolerated after (as well as during) the pandemic.
• There is zero chance of the political climate for kink improving in the next decade or so in the UK; I expect social attitudes to become more conservative if anything, and even though the younger generation is generally more liberal, muddying the waters around abuse makes it much harder - and some of this is legitimate, even if it is a nasty moral tradeoff between different oppressed groups.
• IMHO it will be much more difficult to organise play parties after the pandemic. BDSM events are often hosted by venues that mostly cater for swingers events (i.e. sexual orgies). The market for that will be greatly reduced, and many businesses involved will be out of business.
• It will probably be years before casual physical intimacy (hugging people outside of my household) is possible again, somewhat socially acceptable, and within my acceptable risk threshold.
• Private play and kink dating are just *way* too dangerous, especially for asexuals (at least for me).
• My past exploration of kink was partly a way to try to find a non-sexual but physical relationship, to explore my greysexuality etc. It was partly an autistic special interest. It was partly an attempt at exorcising some long-held anxieties, but there was always way too much anxiety around it.
• Loneliness is my long term concern. Kink is not the only way to address it.

 

On the whole I conclude that after the pandemic, and after my family issues are resolved, I'll need a new hobby. Kink probably won't be a viable option for me. It may still be valid for other people though.

 

So maybe I'll throw out my toys at some point. One problem at a time though.

 

Spoiler

I never really fantasized about pain regularly. I had a thing about breathplay but I'm convinced it was largely driven by anxiety and shame. On the rare occasions when it is necessary I can masturbate without needing porn or much in the way of fantasy; past use of porn is almost certainly related to said anxieties and shame, and tended to take bloody ages as a result.

 

Much in need of cake! Thanks for letting me discuss this in a forum where my very presence doesn't imply a choice one way or the other.

Edited February 15, 2021 by Matthew42

[Omelette]

I don't see any reason for kink to be affected especially negatively following the pandemic. Not when compared to other crowded, indoor events like boardgame nights, knitting circles, band night at the local pub...etc. I would say that people would look forward to having stuff like that back. Now, there might be a sliding scale of safety for a long time, but that also applies to pretty much every other event.

 

In the meantime, I'm just glad because the lockdown provided an occasion for me to learn some more of what I liked. Thin carbon fiber sticks, like those for model-building, are lovely, and the sensations may change depending on 1-2mm +/- in the diameter.

[AnnaPanni]

Hi all!

I would like to ask for your help!

 

I would like to get more into the topic of BDSM and sex toys, but I'm really afraid,

and I feel super guilty (which I actually know I shouldn't be, but still)...

 

Where do you think I should start? Is the internet a good place to buy my first toy?

 

 

 

[Ceebs]

6 minutes ago, AnnaPanni said:

Is the internet a good place to buy my first toy?

I'd say so, yes. Massive variety and lots of reviews you can read before making a purchase. Plus in the middle of a pandemic, it's certainly the most convenient option. And anything I've ever bought has been shipped discreetly; you don't get a box that says 'SEX TOY INSIDE!' haha.