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the grey/demiromantic thread


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I was chilling in the aro thread for a while, and I'm sure I'm still welcome there. But my experience is different from someone who is 100% aro, yanno? So I figure I'll make my own topic, and my fellow greys and demiros can chill here too if you like!

 

I rarely, rarely develop feelings for anyone, don't really care about a romantic relationship, and....yeah. 99.99999% of the time it just isn't on my radar, or something I really care about. However, I do have feelings for a friend, which have lasted several years now, and which started after knowing her for two or three years. I recently went through a period where my feelings intensified to the degree that I became depressed whenever she wasn't around. So....yeah, that's fun......

My feelings have calmed back down, but I'm sure they're still there and mat resurface at any point in the future.

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Anthracite_Impreza

Technically I could be classed as grey due to the fact I'm effectively aro 95% of the time, and value platonic bonds infinitely more than romantic; I don't call myself greyro simply cos I'm already using up my "special snowflake points" just from being mecha. I am most certainly romantic, those feelings were very strong initially, but have since all but gone most of the time. I've gone back to feeling mine and Clutch's relationship is bromantic and honestly, that does actually feel more 'right' to me. He doesn't care as long as I love him in some capacity, cos he's a car; he just wants to be looked after (which is not happening because 2020 has been the most evil year in existence 🙃).

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3 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

(which is not happening because 2020 has been the most evil year in existence 🙃).

Fuck 2020. I've barely been able to afford fixing up Maelstrom. 

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Anthracite_Impreza
Just now, KrysLostInSpace said:

Fuck 2020. I've barely been able to afford fixing up Maelstrom. 

I only don't class it as the worst year of my life because I met my new best mate, in all honesty.

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6 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

I only don't class it as the worst year of my life because I met my new best mate, in all honesty.

ooooo details, whose the car? 

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DarkStormyKnight

I can't believe we haven't had a gray/demi-romantic thread yet! Hihi, I'm grayro and lovin it, nice to meet you guys. :)

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I'm so glad there's a thread about this. I'm pretty sure I'm Demi-homoromantic, but it's so hard to talk about being demiromantic with people who don't understand the idea. Can anyone explain what demiromantic means to them? How would you say it's different from grayromantic? 

 

I've only ever been romantically attracted to one person in my life, and I didn't have romantic feelings for her until a year into our friendship. While I've been sexually attracted to other people who I've had no romantic feelings for. 

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13 hours ago, terianoen said:

I'm so glad there's a thread about this. I'm pretty sure I'm Demi-homoromantic, but it's so hard to talk about being demiromantic with people who don't understand the idea. Can anyone explain what demiromantic means to them? How would you say it's different from grayromantic? 

 

I've only ever been romantically attracted to one person in my life, and I didn't have romantic feelings for her until a year into our friendship. While I've been sexually attracted to other people who I've had no romantic feelings for. 

I usually don't tell people I'm demiromantic tbh, because they always want to say demi is "just normal" or isn't a thing. So it's just easier to identify to myself and others who already understand. If I were to "officially" come out, it would be as biromantic.

That said, when I do attempt to explain, I try to set demi apart by explaining that for some people, it can take literally years of knowing someone and knowing them deeply before any romantic feelings set in. Without that deep bond, I have zero interest in romantic relationships. Most people need to "get to know someone" before they have feelings for them, but demi is a bit more extreme than that. Sometimes people kinda accept this explanation, and sometimes they don't.

 

I would say that demiromantic is a type of grayromantic. Grayromantic is a broad category....it just means you either need specific conditions to develop romantic attraction (such as needing a deep bond, as if the case with demiromanticism), or that you experience it maybe once in a lifetime or you experience it so faintly that you tend to doubt it's even there.

edit:
Also, the theory behind demi is that demis lack that initial attraction that most people have, but they do experience "secondary attraction". I think of it like.....most people have some attraction after getting to know someone in a short period. They might like someone for some quality or another. But it takes years of knowing someone to develop a deeper love. We demi's don't experience that first phase of attraction, but we do develop the second, deeper phase. 

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Does anyone else kinda experience a, like......you're not romantically into someone, but if you're aware that or think they're interested in you and you already like them as a person, then you tend to think you wouldn't be opposed to giving dating a try? I've experienced this a couple times, and it always makes me wonder if I'm alloromantic after all. But I guess it makes sense in a way, after all I already like the person, even if not romantically, and it's like.....if they want to date, then that means I'd get to spend more time with them--which would be a win-win, we both get something out of it.
But then I also think, ew no, dating is awkward, that would change the dynamic we have completely....😅

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@colliethefurry Thanks for the explanation! :) 

 

I totally get what you're saying about dating people who seem to like you. I have this experience all the time. Like I want to spend time with them and I'm not totally opposed to some of the standard romantic relationship activities but then the idea of romantically dating them is just awkward! This is usually when I start considering talking about queerplatonic relationships with that person.

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DarkStormyKnight
4 hours ago, colliethefurry said:

Does anyone else kinda experience a, like......you're not romantically into someone, but if you're aware that or think they're interested in you and you already like them as a person, then you tend to think you wouldn't be opposed to giving dating a try? I've experienced this a couple times, and it always makes me wonder if I'm alloromantic after all. But I guess it makes sense in a way, after all I already like the person, even if not romantically, and it's like.....if they want to date, then that means I'd get to spend more time with them--which would be a win-win, we both get something out of it.
But then I also think, ew no, dating is awkward, that would change the dynamic we have completely....😅

Oh I relate to this idea a lot, I think a number of possible crushes (where looking back they might not have been crushes, but who's to day) I had when I was younger resulted because I thought someone was interested in me and I wouldn't have minded hanging out with them more. So I saw them as a potential partner and then developed some kind of crush/squish. In my experience, this doesn't go very well for the relationship since this is basically how I ended up with my ex a couple years ago. Since I wasn't super invested in it the relationship was super one-sided and not particularly healthy. Wouldn't recommend it, but I understand the impulse!

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On 12/3/2020 at 5:33 AM, DarkStormyKnight said:

I can't believe we haven't had a gray/demi-romantic thread yet! Hihi, I'm grayro and lovin it, nice to meet you guys. :)

Hi! I'm on this forum since I don’t know what's my romantic orientation, so I was wondering if you can help me out. Anyway, for a long time I never thought about my romantic orientation since I'm in a romantic relationship, but I don’t understand love. Like I dont know when I feel it. I think I know it conceptly like the sacrifices we make, or the little things we do for each other. I can identify that's love, but what it feels like I'm at a lost. And I feel guilty about it since my boyfriend loves me lots and I can't understand. I know I love him but all I feel is admiration from time to time, and idk if that's the same. Anything deeper I haven't experienced, sadly. 

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1 minute ago, poetesme said:

Hi! I'm on this forum since I don’t know what's my romantic orientation, so I was wondering if you can help me out. Anyway, for a long time I never thought about my romantic orientation since I'm in a romantic relationship, but I don’t understand love. Like I dont know when I feel it. I think I know it conceptly like the sacrifices we make, or the little things we do for each other. I can identify that's love, but what it feels like I'm at a lost. And I feel guilty about it since my boyfriend loves me lots and I can't understand. I know I love him but all I feel is admiration from time to time, and idk if that's the same. Anything deeper I haven't experienced, sadly. 

Do you care what happens to him? Would it affect you if he was sad for some reason?

Do you like and enjoy being around him and sharing affection?

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2 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Do you care what happens to him? Would it affect you if he was sad for some reason?

Do you like and enjoy being around him and sharing affection?

Yes, I like being around him and showing affection. If something happens and if he's sad, I'm not sure. It's a difficult question, but every time I think what he goes through doesn't effect me, I do notice I get upset with him but probably not as intense as him. Sometimes I think I'm probably a sociopath because of it. 

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6 minutes ago, poetesme said:

Yes, I like being around him and showing affection. If something happens and if he's sad, I'm not sure. It's a difficult question, but every time I think what he goes through doesn't effect me, I do notice I get upset with him but probably not as intense as him. Sometimes I think I'm probably a sociopath because of it. 

Maybe you have trouble connecting with certain feelings, and empathy.  It may develop the more you care about someone.
If you like sharing affection with him, that's a form of love.

It's hard to say very much around this, but there is a grayromantic spectrum that you could consider if you feel you don't fit in the normal romantic area. In the end though it's just about being true to yourself and following what makes you happy. And if you care about someone, then to take into account their happiness as well. Good luck :)

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8 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Maybe you have trouble connecting with certain feelings, and empathy.  It may develop the more you care about someone.
If you like sharing affection with him, that's a form of love.

It's hard to say very much around this, but there is a grayromantic spectrum that you could consider if you feel you don't fit in the normal romantic area. In the end though it's just about being true to yourself and following what makes you happy. And if you care about someone, then to take into account their happiness as well. Good luck :)

Thank you, I'll look into the spectrum and see :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Do you ever just see a super hecking nasty breakup and how they hate each other afterwards and be like........damn, I'm glad I don't want to date anyways.

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Anyone else who's demiromantic find that you don't do "crushes".....rather, you'd describe it as you fall in love. Like, developing romantic attraction, for us demiromantics, is not some passing infatuation. You already know the person on a deep level, it just so happens that one day your feelings switch from "you're my bestest friend" to "I'd marry you"

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22 minutes ago, colliethefurry said:

not some passing infatuation. You already know the person on a deep level, it just so happens that one day your feelings switch from "you're my bestest friend" to "I'd marry you"

I can relate to this. If it were put - "you're my bestest friend" to "I'd marry you since you're my bestest friend" then that actually happened to me. The "switch" you talk about is what my partner has described, too. He's demi so I think that is what you are referring to right? He believes I might be demihomoromantic but encouraged me to read through a lot of forum threads and not to listen to him. !

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From my personal experience it's when, after seeing each other, the parting goes from "looking forward to seeing each other again", to an emotional pain that's almost physical that Cupid has fired his arrow. There came a time in our relationship when leaving became harder and harder 

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8 hours ago, BZA said:

I can relate to this. If it were put - "you're my bestest friend" to "I'd marry you since you're my bestest friend" then that actually happened to me. The "switch" you talk about is what my partner has described, too. He's demi so I think that is what you are referring to right? He believes I might be demihomoromantic but encouraged me to read through a lot of forum threads and not to listen to him. !

Yup 

And, jt's confusing to try to figure out "for sure", definitely. Learning about different experiences is helpful in figuring it out though!

7 hours ago, Sleighcaptain said:

From my personal experience it's when, after seeing each other, the parting goes from "looking forward to seeing each other again", to an emotional pain that's almost physical that Cupid has fired his arrow. There came a time in our relationship when leaving became harder and harder 

That matches my experience, yeah. It goes from "I like being around you, but I can spend long amounts of time apart and be totally fine", to "I'm seriously depressed because I haven't seen you in two days"

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  • 5 weeks later...

Why do I have it so bad for this one friend. I think when you're demiromantic you tend to fall harder for people when you do fall for them, maybe. Cuz the theory is that demi's don't experience "primary attraction" but do experience "secondary attraction" and like......I think that seems to be the case. Like there's initial infatuation/crush/whatever, and then there's the deep love that comes from knowing someone for years or after developing a deep deep bond

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DarkStormyKnight

Yeah I think it's similar for some gray-romantics too, like I rarely experience any romantic attraction at all so when it comes around it's like I get hit by a truck. 

I'm sorry bud, having a crush on your friend is a tough time! *hugs if you'd like* 

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I don't really know about my orientation in this part but I don't like being too romantic or intimate with others and usually they are dissatisfied about this so I never really had a partner or lover, cause it takes some time for me to touch, but I'm an artistic person and lots of people say that they are weird... However I like cuddling and spending time with people i kind of like but it's not always enough. Sometimes even I'm confused. My last feeling resembling love was in junior high.... As a kid😆 

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banana monkey
On 12/30/2020 at 7:55 AM, BZA said:

I can relate to this. If it were put - "you're my bestest friend" to "I'd marry you since you're my bestest friend" then that actually happened to me. The "switch" you talk about is what my partner has described, too. He's demi so I think that is what you are referring to right? He believes I might be demihomoromantic but encouraged me to read through a lot of forum threads and not to listen to him. !

 

On 12/30/2020 at 8:58 AM, Skycaptain said:

From my personal experience it's when, after seeing each other, the parting goes from "looking forward to seeing each other again", to an emotional pain that's almost physical that Cupid has fired his arrow. There came a time in our relationship when leaving became harder and harder 

I like these descriptions - for me its not like a switch all the way to I'd marry you but the bestest friend to "oh heck, I think I like you" was literally like a lightbulb was switched on. To the point I remember exactly where I was standing when it happened. I never ever wanted to marry him though. To the point where when he asked me, I realised he was in much deeper than me and i needed to breakup with him as I was never going to marry him. There was definately a change in the feelings when apart in the beginning though which is what made me question things in the first place. That said, its quite possible i'm lithromantic as well as demiromantic so that may affect things. 

 

Happy to have found this thread. 

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  • 3 months later...
Collie Grace

I feel so very gay tonight. I'm pining after my friend who has no idea I'm in love with her.

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DarkStormyKnight
12 hours ago, colliethefurry said:

I feel so very gay tonight. I'm pining after my friend who has no idea I'm in love with her.

:( I'm so sorry, that's heartbreaking. 

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Ace of Clocks

I have no idea where I land on the romantic scale. I feel like I might be demiromantic but I have never been in in any kind of relationship. I think I could develop romantic feelings for someone but I have not really sought out anyone to be in a relationship with. Just very confused and unsure. 

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DarkStormyKnight
9 hours ago, Ace of Clocks said:

I have no idea where I land on the romantic scale. I feel like I might be demiromantic but I have never been in in any kind of relationship. I think I could develop romantic feelings for someone but I have not really sought out anyone to be in a relationship with. Just very confused and unsure. 

Lack of data/experiences is such a thing! I suspect that's why I didn't figure out that I was gray-romantic until recently, attraction was just so few and far between.

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Thujaplicata

I like this thread! 

On 12/11/2020 at 4:16 AM, colliethefurry said:

That said, when I do attempt to explain, I try to set demi apart by explaining that for some people, it can take literally years of knowing someone and knowing them deeply before any romantic feelings set in. Without that deep bond, I have zero interest in romantic relationships. Most people need to "get to know someone" before they have feelings for them, but demi is a bit more extreme than that. Sometimes people kinda accept this explanation, and sometimes they don't.

Thanks for this! I'll probably use it at some point. Because I've had people be like "that's normal" and I'm like, no, you don't get it! I have had one crush ever and it was on my best friend, after I suspected she liked me, after we'd been friends for 4 years, and it took me another 5 years to figure out that I actually liked her. I still don't know where in those 5 years my feelings shifted from platonic. But seriously. NINE YEARS. I met her in 8th grade, friends since 9th, and only figured out I liked her as more than a friend in February. 

On 12/11/2020 at 4:41 AM, colliethefurry said:

Does anyone else kinda experience a, like......you're not romantically into someone, but if you're aware that or think they're interested in you and you already like them as a person, then you tend to think you wouldn't be opposed to giving dating a try? I've experienced this a couple times, and it always makes me wonder if I'm alloromantic after all. But I guess it makes sense in a way, after all I already like the person, even if not romantically, and it's like.....if they want to date, then that means I'd get to spend more time with them--which would be a win-win, we both get something out of it.
But then I also think, ew no, dating is awkward, that would change the dynamic we have completely....😅

My girlfriend. She was also my roommate though so I already had her time and attention all the time. I wasn't willing to actually consider anything for a long time because I wasn't certain I was ace and I was afraid of promising more than I could offer or something. I don't know, I didn't face my thoughts enough to even figure out that I had a crush, so I'm not sure exactly what I feared either. 

On 12/30/2020 at 1:03 AM, colliethefurry said:

Anyone else who's demiromantic find that you don't do "crushes".....rather, you'd describe it as you fall in love. Like, developing romantic attraction, for us demiromantics, is not some passing infatuation. You already know the person on a deep level, it just so happens that one day your feelings switch from "you're my bestest friend" to "I'd marry you"

Yes! Well, kind of. It took me ages to figure out that I had a crush. It wasn't so much that my feelings switched, but that I finally identified them and went "holy shit, I'm in love!" And then I went straight from "best friends" to imagining married life a decade or more down the road and planning a wedding the moment she said she liked me too.

On 5/13/2021 at 8:39 AM, DarkStormyKnight said:

Lack of data/experiences is such a thing! I suspect that's why I didn't figure out that I was gray-romantic until recently, attraction was just so few and far between.

Having so little experience with romantic feelings, crushes, etc (none that I could identify), I had no idea how to figure out if I loved her as a friend or romantically. I knew I loved her, but in what way? How do you know you're feeling something if you've never felt it before? (That's part of why identifying as asexual took so long too.) Honestly, I more or less arbitrarily decided that my feelings were romantic, because I was comfortable with calling them such. I still doubt myself sometimes but I'm pretty sure. 

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