the grey/demiromantic thread

[Hev20]

@Quest the Collie and @DarkStormyKnight thank you both for your replies and advice

[rainbowocollie]

Even though I am capable of (rarely) experiencing romantic feelings...... I really am functionally aromantic. I don't want a relationship.

Which way do you tend to lean: functionally aromantic, or more like "on the aro spectrum but I might end up in a relationship one day"?

[DarkStormyKnight]

4 hours ago, Quest the Collie said:

Even though I am capable of (rarely) experiencing romantic feelings...... I really am functionally aromantic. I don't want a relationship.

Which way do you tend to lean: functionally aromantic, or more like "on the aro spectrum but I might end up in a relationship one day"?

I ended up in a relationship, so I feel like I've been forced into the latter? I spent most of my life as the former though. I could also see a mix of the two I guess. Some sort of functionally aromantic but ehhhh.

[Scylactic]

On 7/3/2022 at 5:29 AM, Quest the Collie said:

Which way do you tend to lean: functionally aromantic, or more like "on the aro spectrum but I might end up in a relationship one day"?

Functionally aromantic, though capable of being in a romantic relationship depending on certain circumstances. Doubt I'll end up in a relationship one day, and I'm not sad about it.

[Thujaplicata]

I am confused by my own arospec nature at times. I'd say I'm pretty far along the spectrum - I think I've had a crush? Basically, I had not a clue what romantic attraction might be like and I'm still very confused. I basically just skipped straight to "I'm in love and would like to live with you forever now please." Of course, we're dating and slowly figuring things out, etc. But I still don't really understand crushes. Early on I'd have thoughts like "What am I doing dating her? This doesn't make any sense, I'm so confused" and seconds later think "I just want to see her" so... I'm fairly settled now though. Well. Content, even if I still don't really get it.

[DarkStormyKnight]

8 hours ago, Thujaplicata said:

I am confused by my own arospec nature at times. I'd say I'm pretty far along the spectrum - I think I've had a crush? Basically, I had not a clue what romantic attraction might be like and I'm still very confused. I basically just skipped straight to "I'm in love and would like to live with you forever now please." Of course, we're dating and slowly figuring things out, etc. But I still don't really understand crushes. Early on I'd have thoughts like "What am I doing dating her? This doesn't make any sense, I'm so confused" and seconds later think "I just want to see her" so... I'm fairly settled now though. Well. Content, even if I still don't really get it.

I get that, I feel like I've had similar experiences where I skip over the "butterflies" stage and right to "old married couple" phase. But glad that you're taking things slow and figuring it out! Relationships are hard enough without trying to rush your feelings.

[Thujaplicata]

5 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

I get that, I feel like I've had similar experiences where I skip over the "butterflies" stage and right to "old married couple" phase. But glad that you're taking things slow and figuring it out! Relationships are hard enough without trying to rush your feelings.

We were high school friends and then college roommates and were likened to an "old married couple" or at the least a "platonic married couple" years before I figured out I might want an official relationship...

But yes, taking our time is most definitely for the best!

[ace.cyborg]

Trying to figure out what I have going on in regards to romantic attraction. At first I thought I was bi/pan romantic or something, I knew I felt something sometimes, but looking back now, I think it was just a brief aesthetic appreciation of people. 

There's only one person I may have been romantically attracted to and I have no idea if that's what it is or not. All I know is the way I feel about her is different from everyone else in some way. We've known each other our whole lives and always had a kind of close friendship that was different from my other friendships (we'd hold hands sometimes or cuddle or stuff like that) although lately we haven't been as close. She has a boyfriend and I'm not jealous or anything but when she was talking about how much she missed him I was kind of like I wish she missed me like that. Not like instead of him or anything but like...idk

Does that sound like romantic attraction or something else?

Thinking about it all I really relate to the whole "I was fine with eventually getting into a relationship "if it happens" so I must want one?" And I don't know if I ever wanted a romantic relationship either and it was all compulsory alloromanticism (if that's a thing lol). 

[DarkStormyKnight]

8 hours ago, ace.cyborg said:

Trying to figure out what I have going on in regards to romantic attraction. At first I thought I was bi/pan romantic or something, I knew I felt something sometimes, but looking back now, I think it was just a brief aesthetic appreciation of people. 

There's only one person I may have been romantically attracted to and I have no idea if that's what it is or not. All I know is the way I feel about her is different from everyone else in some way. We've known each other our whole lives and always had a kind of close friendship that was different from my other friendships (we'd hold hands sometimes or cuddle or stuff like that) although lately we haven't been as close. She has a boyfriend and I'm not jealous or anything but when she was talking about how much she missed him I was kind of like I wish she missed me like that. Not like instead of him or anything but like...idk

Does that sound like romantic attraction or something else?

Thinking about it all I really relate to the whole "I was fine with eventually getting into a relationship "if it happens" so I must want one?" And I don't know if I ever wanted a romantic relationship either and it was all compulsory alloromanticism (if that's a thing lol). 

Kind of sounds like alterous attraction to me, which is different from romantic attraction, it's more a "I want to be your person and be emotionally close to you" type of attraction. Or at least that's how I usually put it when explaining it. I mistook that for romantic attraction for YEARS since being emotionally close to someone was typically shown through dating for me. But anyways, I'm still not you and I don't know exactly what you're feeling but maybe looking into alterous attraction could help?

[ace.cyborg]

1 hour ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

Kind of sounds like alterous attraction to me, which is different from romantic attraction, it's more a "I want to be your person and be emotionally close to you" type of attraction. Or at least that's how I usually put it when explaining it. I mistook that for romantic attraction for YEARS since being emotionally close to someone was typically shown through dating for me. But anyways, I'm still not you and I don't know exactly what you're feeling but maybe looking into alterous attraction could help?

Thanks, I'll look into that

[nutmeag]

I've been working to figure myself out more lately. I worked out that I was ace about 7 years ago, and within a couple of years of that, I suspected I was probably some level of aro too, but I was married, so I was like "it doesn't matter, I won't bother thinking about it too much." But the past year, I have been really contemplating where I fit. I thought I was pan-romantic before, but there's definitely a level of gray or full aro to it that I haven't quite put my finger on yet. I can feel crushes, I think, though I'm not sure how much of that is society's emphasis on romantic relationships. I think there's some crush possibilities there. But I've decided that marriage isn't for me. I feel trapped. I don't like having to support another person constantly--especially since i'm a cis woman and my spouse is a cis man, and we're dealing with the traditional problems of the woman shouldering the bulk of emotional burdens for the couple. I could see myself being a relationship with a woman, but I have no interest in marrying or even staying super long-term in a relationship. I like being alone (except singles' finances suck, bc America kinda sucks). 

 

But yeah, for now, I'm comfortable calling myself ace and pan-gray-aro. But really, I mostly just go by queer, because there's a lot less explaining involved. 🤣

[Terra Branford]

I think using the term "gray" is perfect because I feel like I'm in perpetual state of limbo and sitting in between in this weird space. I never had any true romantic feelings for anyone until I randomly clicked with this guy I started talking to online 10 years ago. Before I was just "flirting" with boys because it was what was expected. People around me make it a challenge because they have these expectations of me but it's just not on my radar. Me being grayromantic likely reinforces how I see romance and romantic relationships in general. I don't get carried away with fantasies, at least not about real people. I enjoy reading romance novels and imagining myself as one of the characters in the story, but that's as far as it goes. I don't project these fantasies on to real people (thank God.) Me being grayro helped me escape the anatonormative/heteronormative indoctrination I've been subjected to since I was young. However, it's still a confusing and lonely place to be because I'm never completely sure. Most days I feel completely aro but because I have experienced romantic feelings for someone in the past, I wonder, what if? And if I should try to pursue dating more, even though everything in me screams, NO. My feelings are just too infrequent, nonexistent, and hard to pinpoint.

 

I also feel like being this way makes it incredibly difficult to move on from someone. I still feel somewhat strongly about the guy I mentioned earlier, even though we are practically nonexistent to each other now and there is no chance for a reunion. I think most people look at relationships and love as something to constantly pursue. You break up with your bf/gf, find another one. You hate your spouse, divorce and find another one. It's like we HAVE to be in love or be in the pursuit of it, otherwise there is something wrong with you. It's exhausting. I've never been and never will be like that. When I liked someone I just care about that person. Not the pursuit of love itself. I could only pursue it if I genuinely felt it and the feeling is mutual from the other person. That in and of itself is rare. I hope this makes sense. I'm just typing as the thoughts come to me. 

[DarkStormyKnight]

15 hours ago, Terra Branford said:

I also feel like being this way makes it incredibly difficult to move on from someone. I still feel somewhat strongly about the guy I mentioned earlier, even though we are practically nonexistent to each other now and there is no chance for a reunion. I think most people look at relationships and love as something to constantly pursue. You break up with your bf/gf, find another one. You hate your spouse, divorce and find another one. It's like we HAVE to be in love or be in the pursuit of it, otherwise there is something wrong with you. It's exhausting. I've never been and never will be like that. When I liked someone I just care about that person. Not the pursuit of love itself. I could only pursue it if I genuinely felt it and the feeling is mutual from the other person. That in and of itself is rare. I hope this makes sense. I'm just typing as the thoughts come to me. 

RELATABLE CONTENT I have such a hard time getting over someone, it's really inconvenient. When I realized that it's a gray-ro thing, that made so much sense to me and helped me realize that I am gray-ro as well.

[Terra Branford]

Warning rant:

 

Some things that really annoy me is people thinking I'm hiding some huge secret about my life. Whether they assume I have a secret bf, a secret insecurity/flaw/dealbreaker that I don't want anyone to know about, secret trauma that makes me afraid of relationships/intimacy, or secretly engaging in casual hook ups, it drives me nuts. I feel like I'm constantly in a position where I need to defend myself. It's even become a running joke among people I know. This is probably going to sound conceited and pretentious but it is what it is. Somehow some way people associate being asexual with being unattractive. Because if you can't get a relationship it's easier to claim not wanting one (which is stupid to me.) But I think it's because I'm the opposite of what people expect and "aro/acespec person to look like" is why they're so curious and come up with these weird assumptions. It had gotten so bad one time even my mom's friends ask her about my love life (lack there of). I feel like part of the problem is location. I'm in the south where sexuality/sex education is nonexistent. Being grayro makes it more difficult to deal with because I know on some level I can feel romantic attraction but it's infrequent and I have no control over it. So when they ask questions I sometime wish I could come across a situation where I could potentially like someone again, but it's futile. I wish I could meet more like minded or open minded people IRL. Ugh.....

[Thujaplicata]

On 8/2/2022 at 7:02 PM, Terra Branford said:

Warning rant:

 

Some things that really annoy me is people thinking I'm hiding some huge secret about my life. Whether they assume I have a secret bf, a secret insecurity/flaw/dealbreaker that I don't want anyone to know about, secret trauma that makes me afraid of relationships/intimacy, or secretly engaging in casual hook ups, it drives me nuts. I feel like I'm constantly in a position where I need to defend myself. It's even become a running joke among people I know. This is probably going to sound conceited and pretentious but it is what it is. Somehow some way people associate being asexual with being unattractive. Because if you can't get a relationship it's easier to claim not wanting one (which is stupid to me.) But I think it's because I'm the opposite of what people expect and "aro/acespec person to look like" is why they're so curious and come up with these weird assumptions. It had gotten so bad one time even my mom's friends ask her about my love life (lack there of). I feel like part of the problem is location. I'm in the south where sexuality/sex education is nonexistent. Being grayro makes it more difficult to deal with because I know on some level I can feel romantic attraction but it's infrequent and I have no control over it. So when they ask questions I sometime wish I could come across a situation where I could potentially like someone again, but it's futile. I wish I could meet more like minded or open minded people IRL. Ugh.....

That sounds so frustrating. Just, infuriating. It's that kind of thing that makes me want to be sarcastic and snippy and just a little nasty. 'My standards are just higher than yours and nobody actually meets them.' 'Apparently unlike you, I'm a whole person on my own and not looking for someone to "complete me."'

You know. Nasty. 'Do you know how much work a relationship is? I don't have time for that nonsense.' 

Style it after Mr Darcy with a 'It may be pleasant for you, but it is not nearly enough to tempt me.'

I should stop, but even if no one says these, they're fun to come up with. 

'The nuances of my romantic interests are beyond the capacity of your pea sized brain.' (and honestly, beyond mine too.)

Heh. I'm half asleep and a bit loopy. I hope any of these made you laugh a little. And good luck dealing with all that! I'm sorry you run into so much suspicion and face so many intrusive questions. You shouldn't have to!

 

[rainbowocollie]

Copied from elsewhere, but fits here:

 

I very much identify as aromantic. However I am definitely in the grey area as I have one romantic attachment that has persisted for years now. I'm publicly out as gay/a lesbian, this being because I want to be a voice for good in the Christian religious community. And it's not wrong, I mean: the person I'm in love with is a woman, and I am a woman.

But I also identify as "mostly aromantic". I feel like I almost have to "hide" my aromantic identity, because people outside of the aro and ace communities (and sometimes within the communities) don't understand the grey area.

I don't regret being out as lesbian. Not at all. But it's sometimes a bit of whiplash having both identities at once. Sometimes I'm like "yeah man, I'm soooo aro". And then other times I'm like "yeah man I'm soooo gay", lmaooo.

[Terra Branford]

On 7/3/2022 at 8:29 AM, Quest the Collie said:

Even though I am capable of (rarely) experiencing romantic feelings...... I really am functionally aromantic. I don't want a relationship.

Which way do you tend to lean: functionally aromantic, or more like "on the aro spectrum but I might end up in a relationship one day"?

Super late as I completely overlooked this but....

 

I would say I am functionally aromantic but experience wise, I'm grayromantic. I only desire a relationship if by some miracle I feel something for someone else in that way. I've only ever liked one person. And I kind of have a type I'm MORE likely to be interested in, but it's still not guaranteed and interest still rarely happens. I don't care to pursue love or relationships in general. There was a term a guy used in a video from the cut, called "gray straight" and the explanation almost completely encompasses how I feel. I'll post here with a time stamp. 

Time: 2:10

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGkqvNOnq2w

 

[cato]

Really hate being grayromantic and also desiring of a relationship.  I'm SUPER jealous of people who don't give an f about having a relationship.  I've fallen for someone once and it was a really wonderful experience that I would like to reclaim, but ...  gah.  My brain just doesn't fire the "ooh, I want to be very close to this person" neurons, even though it does fire the "being in a romantic relationship with someone is great" ones...

 

I swear, it's like being starving, yet no food tastes good, so you eat nothing and continue feeling starved.

 

I find reading posts in the asexual community kinda alienating.  Either people have no issues with romantic attraction and are in relationships, or don't have any romantic attraction and therefore have no interest in relationships at all.  The weird liminal space of "experience vanishingly little attraction, but want a relationship" is really tough...

[DarkStormyKnight]

1 hour ago, cato said:

Really hate being grayromantic and also desiring of a relationship.  I'm SUPER jealous of people who don't give an f about having a relationship.  I've fallen for someone once and it was a really wonderful experience that I would like to reclaim, but ...  gah.  My brain just doesn't fire the "ooh, I want to be very close to this person" neurons, even though it does fire the "being in a romantic relationship with someone is great" ones...

 

I swear, it's like being starving, yet no food tastes good, so you eat nothing and continue feeling starved.

 

I find reading posts in the asexual community kinda alienating.  Either people have no issues with romantic attraction and are in relationships, or don't have any romantic attraction and therefore have no interest in relationships at all.  The weird liminal space of "experience vanishingly little attraction, but want a relationship" is really tough...

I struggled with this for a while too, it's really hard to be in that space in between. I just kept trying to remember that being in a relationship doesn't mean that you're happy with it, and that it's better to hold out for someone that you'll feel happy with and want to be in a relationship than get into a relationship just to be in one (which I suspect is what a lot of people who serially date/break-up do). It's also really important to feel comfortable with yourself and with being single! So try and appreciate this space to get to know yourself, as much as you can. It'll get easier eventually.

[Terra Branford]

10 hours ago, cato said:

Really hate being grayromantic and also desiring of a relationship.  I'm SUPER jealous of people who don't give an f about having a relationship.  I've fallen for someone once and it was a really wonderful experience that I would like to reclaim, but ...  gah.  My brain just doesn't fire the "ooh, I want to be very close to this person" neurons, even though it does fire the "being in a romantic relationship with someone is great" ones...

 

I swear, it's like being starving, yet no food tastes good, so you eat nothing and continue feeling starved.

 

I find reading posts in the asexual community kinda alienating.  Either people have no issues with romantic attraction and are in relationships, or don't have any romantic attraction and therefore have no interest in relationships at all.  The weird liminal space of "experience vanishingly little attraction, but want a relationship" is really tough...

I can definitely relate. I feel like I know what romantic attraction is and it makes me wonder why can't I feel that way again. And I kind of default back to the same person I had that attraction for and I get the feels. That's one of the main things I hate about being grayro. It can keep you in a perpetual state of limerence. It also doesn't help that the world expects you to be in a relationship and is confused as to why you're not. It makes me feel unseen and disregarded. It's also kind of like a slap in the face, because it feels like I'm being accused of doing something wrong. It's like....hey I tried and it didn't work. And the world is like....well okay try it again with someone else. 😕 Ugh.

[rainbowocollie]

Sometimes I do wish I could just pick between aromantic and homoromantic lol. Being grey-aro is a weird in-between. I'm mostly aromantic.

[Guest]

It can be hard to live in in-between places, but I think it's more rewarding. Having nuance be a natural part of your existence makes life richer. You can relate to people "on both sides," even as you stand alone.

[DarkStormyKnight]

1 hour ago, Haneul said:

It can be hard to live in in-between places, but I think it's more rewarding. Having nuance be a natural part of your existence makes life richer. You can relate to people "on both sides," even as you stand alone.

Oh, this is a really nice way to put it!

[Guest]

On 10/9/2022 at 11:19 PM, DarkStormyKnight said:

Oh, this is a really nice way to put it!

Thank you! I learned it from being biracial, actually, and it also managed to apply to my greyromanticism.

[DarkStormyKnight]

5 hours ago, Haneul said:

Thank you! I learned it from being biracial, actually, and it also managed to apply to my greyromanticism.

That makes a lot of sense, with both identities you are in a space in between, and I imagine it can be hard to figure out "where you stand" with both of them.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

That makes a lot of sense, with both identities you are in a space in between, and I imagine it can be hard to figure out "where you stand" with both of them.

I honestly think it's harder for other people to figure out where I stand than it is for myself, although I know many people with similar experiences to mine wouldn't feel that way. I'm nonbinary, greyromantic, biracial, and haved moved around a lot relative to other people my age, so with the intersectionality of all those experiences, I could say I'm a third-culture kid. So even though I'm not coming out to people irl left and right, it's unavoidable I make people confused. And that's okay. Even though it can be hard, I know that most people don't experience life the way I do, so I just try to appreciate that they're trying to understand me using the tools they have. And I empathize with fellow liminalists like some of the people here or my sister, who often have low self-esteem because their experiences taught them there is something wrong about them - which thankfully is a feeling I avoided based on my somehow generally confident personality.

[DarkStormyKnight]

18 hours ago, Haneul said:

I honestly think it's harder for other people to figure out where I stand than it is for myself, although I know many people with similar experiences to mine wouldn't feel that way. I'm nonbinary, greyromantic, biracial, and haved moved around a lot relative to other people my age, so with the intersectionality of all those experiences, I could say I'm a third-culture kid. So even though I'm not coming out to people irl left and right, it's unavoidable I make people confused. And that's okay. Even though it can be hard, I know that most people don't experience life the way I do, so I just try to appreciate that they're trying to understand me using the tools they have. And I empathize with fellow liminalists like some of the people here or my sister, who often have low self-esteem because their experiences taught them there is something wrong about them - which thankfully is a feeling I avoided based on my somehow generally confident personality.

That makes a lot of sense, I could definitely see a lot of people wanting to "put you in a box". And that's really great that you've been able to find that stability in yourself and your identities! I know for myself it has been a journey to reach a similarly confident place to be able to appreciate the uniqueness of my experiences, and that I likely won't have easy ways to explain myself anytime soon.

[Terra Branford]

On 10/9/2022 at 9:04 AM, Haneul said:

It can be hard to live in in-between places, but I think it's more rewarding. Having nuance be a natural part of your existence makes life richer. You can relate to people "on both sides," even as you stand alone.

 

On 10/11/2022 at 8:18 PM, Haneul said:

I honestly think it's harder for other people to figure out where I stand than it is for myself, although I know many people with similar experiences to mine wouldn't feel that way. I'm nonbinary, greyromantic, biracial, and haved moved around a lot relative to other people my age, so with the intersectionality of all those experiences, I could say I'm a third-culture kid. So even though I'm not coming out to people irl left and right, it's unavoidable I make people confused. And that's okay. Even though it can be hard, I know that most people don't experience life the way I do, so I just try to appreciate that they're trying to understand me using the tools they have. And I empathize with fellow liminalists like some of the people here or my sister, who often have low self-esteem because their experiences taught them there is something wrong about them - which thankfully is a feeling I avoided based on my somehow generally confident personality.

I definitely relate to your posts. I'm not biracial however, I was treated in the same manner by others. I blend in everywhere, but people would remind me in nonverbal and verbal ways that I didn't really "belong." Everything about me is "in between" from my ethnic ambiguity to my personal interests, to my romantic orientation. When people don't know how to categorize you, they either disregard you, make you the butt of jokes, or put you on a weird pedestal, at least that's what my experience was like. No one really truly understands me, and while I'm comfortable with I am. People don't still don't get it, and it's frustrating. I don't go out of my way to tell people about my orientations but like you said, it's unavoidable because our entire culture is centered around relationships/dating. Liminalist is a good word because we are literally on the threshold. I feel like I'm in this constant state of limbo. 

[Terra Branford]

"I'm like...for lack of a better way to put it, 90% aromantic. So I guess the term is Grayro. Anyway. I had one case in my life where I truly and fully was in love with someone. Love at first sight type thing. And to this day, my heart aches when I think of this person, and I dream that I'm in a relationship with them, even thought in the end I only knew them in high school and haven't seen them in years. It drives me crazy thinking about the fact I lacked the confidence to believe I was lovable and say something. We aren't really friends anymore, and I don't know if it would be healthy to try to talk to them again and regain friendship when I still feel this way over a decade later or if that would be downright creepy or stalkerish. I haven't kept track of their life or anything and honestly try to distance myself to stop feeling this way.

 

But, to the point. I was wondering if any Aros/Grayros had the same problem of not being able to get over the people they've loved because it's not as simple as looking around and meeting new people. I have had fleeting crushes that I'm sure were squishes on hind sight. I just feel like I'll never fall in love with anyone like I did this person, and it hurts. Not looking for advice, more seeing if I'm alone in this."

 

This post from this thread: 

It really resonates with me as I have been dealing with something VERY similar for over a decade now, and holy crap it sucks.  I feel like this is an issue that isn't really talked about because it's thought that being on the aro/ace spectrum is characterized by getting over crushes and feelings very quickly. However, if you're greyro in the since that your feelings infrequent yet strong when they do happen, it's easy to go into a state of limerence because your feelings are SO rare. I wonder how many other greyros can relate. 

[DarkStormyKnight]

4 hours ago, Terra Branford said:

It really resonates with me as I have been dealing with something VERY similar for over a decade now, and holy crap it sucks.  I feel like this is an issue that isn't really talked about because it's thought that being on the aro/ace spectrum is characterized by getting over crushes and feelings very quickly. However, if you're greyro in the since that your feelings infrequent yet strong when they do happen, it's easy to go into a state of limerence because your feelings are SO rare. I wonder how many other greyros can relate. 

I can relate to this a lot, I think it's taken me YEARS to get over most of my crushes, even if nothing ever happened between us. But I absolutely think that this experience of not getting over people is a gray-ro thing as we just don't meet people and get crushes on them very frequently.