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the grey/demiromantic thread


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Thujaplicata

Oh, but I meant to add. While I'm confident that I do have romantic feelings, I'm incredibly oblivious in general. It's just not on my radar! The number of times flirting or blatant interest/being asked out went over my head...

The idea of casual dating...good for you? Like, I'm supportive of friends and have advised another friend to explore and have fun, appreciate my sister's casual approach, etc. But it just doesn't make sense to me. What I want out of a romantic relationship is a combination of what I do with any friend - time spent together, chatting, etc - and a sort of trust I couldn't offer anyone I just barely know. Cuddling, napping together, asking for advice and emotional support, sharing space and time...my version of romance is mostly a stronger friendship. I want her around all the time. I want hugs and linked arms - it was damn near painful to remain socially distanced when I last saw her in December. I want to listen to her tell me about things I have no interest and babble about random nonsense to her. I want to brush her hair because she's a heathen who will break her hair by yanking the brush through it. 

Basically, I want to live as an old married couple, casual and comfortable in their affection. 

Romantic dinners with someone I scarcely know? Whatever dating actually looks like? Just sounds really stressful. Especially because I'm sex repulsed and well aware that sex is generally expected. I strongly suspect that a part of my mind would be anxious and fretful the entire time with worries about possible expectations. It makes me somewhat uncomfortable to know that I say "girlfriend" and other people (not here) probably assume we...do stuff...ewww. I also worry a little that she (allosexual) will not be okay with that in some way, sooner or later. But after 9 years, I trust her. She'll tell me if there's an issue and she'll never ask too much of me. If I didn't have that trust? *shudder*

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DarkStormyKnight
23 hours ago, Thujaplicata said:

The idea of casual dating...good for you? Like, I'm supportive of friends and have advised another friend to explore and have fun, appreciate my sister's casual approach, etc. But it just doesn't make sense to me. What I want out of a romantic relationship is a combination of what I do with any friend - time spent together, chatting, etc - and a sort of trust I couldn't offer anyone I just barely know. Cuddling, napping together, asking for advice and emotional support, sharing space and time...my version of romance is mostly a stronger friendship. I want her around all the time. I want hugs and linked arms - it was damn near painful to remain socially distanced when I last saw her in December. I want to listen to her tell me about things I have no interest and babble about random nonsense to her. I want to brush her hair because she's a heathen who will break her hair by yanking the brush through it. 

Basically, I want to live as an old married couple, casual and comfortable in their affection. 

I definitely am on board with the idea of being an old married couple! I was talking to my partner and the idea of dating casually before you know someone makes very little sense to either of us haha. Plus the fact that some people change drastically once you start dating them, in my mind being in a romantic relationship is like hanging out with your best friend more one-on-one, it shouldn't be that different!

And being casual and comfortable for sure, the "butterflies" stage of a relationship freaks me out. Both of my relationships so far have progressed naturally from friendships and that is the only thing that work for me I think.

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Thujaplicata
42 minutes ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

And being casual and comfortable for sure, the "butterflies" stage of a relationship freaks me out. Both of my relationships so far have progressed naturally from friendships and that is the only thing that work for me I think.

I think I've felt butterflies! I was stupidly happy when my girlfriend said she liked me too, and I occasionally feel almost squirmy happy when remembering something that feels romantic to me. Like how I am not great at naps but I fall asleep on her even when I don't think I'm tired. 

But that's as far as I've gotten with butterflies...and I suspect that's not what you meant...

And otherwise, yes! Just friends ALL THE TIME. I have one friend I spoke to recently who admitted that while she does like me (as a friend), she can only handle my babbling self in small doses...

Sometimes I start to feel stressed about irritating my girlfriend but then I remember - 9 years of friendship. She knows what I'm like and she's prepared. It's really reassuring. 

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rainbowocollie
7 hours ago, Thujaplicata said:

I think I've felt butterflies! I was stupidly happy when my girlfriend said she liked me too, and I occasionally feel almost squirmy happy when remembering something that feels romantic to me. Like how I am not great at naps but I fall asleep on her even when I don't think I'm tired. 

But that's as far as I've gotten with butterflies...and I suspect that's not what you meant...

And otherwise, yes! Just friends ALL THE TIME. I have one friend I spoke to recently who admitted that while she does like me (as a friend), she can only handle my babbling self in small doses...

Sometimes I start to feel stressed about irritating my girlfriend but then I remember - 9 years of friendship. She knows what I'm like and she's prepared. It's really reassuring. 

 

8 hours ago, DarkStormyKnight said:

I definitely am on board with the idea of being an old married couple! I was talking to my partner and the idea of dating casually before you know someone makes very little sense to either of us haha. Plus the fact that some people change drastically once you start dating them, in my mind being in a romantic relationship is like hanging out with your best friend more one-on-one, it shouldn't be that different!

And being casual and comfortable for sure, the "butterflies" stage of a relationship freaks me out. Both of my relationships so far have progressed naturally from friendships and that is the only thing that work for me I think.

I guess it would make sense that someone you just met would be different than someone you have known forever...... so if you've close friends with someone for a long time then you have a much better idea what they're like.
That said, I do have a different face that I show to my friends, even very close ones, then I show to my family, for example. My family has known me all my life, so I'm less likely to hide parts of myself that I'm afraid they won't like than I am with friends. So I do think in a romantic relationship those little idiosyncrasies would come out after a while of being in the relationship.

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  • 1 month later...
rainbowocollie

Definitely identifying more with aro-ness right now. No, that doesn't mean I'm not demiromantic still, I still am. Just my romantic attraction to the particular person, while still sorta there and will probably flair up again one day, is definitely on the back burner right now and I'm just like. Everybody (except you, sorta) is a friend and never will be anything more.

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DarkStormyKnight

I think I tend to fluctuate a lot as well, but also strangely enough even though I'm in a relationship right now I think I've gotten a lot more comfy with calling myself aromantic. In a strange way I think experiencing romantic attraction has fully convinced me that I'm definitely not alloromantic because this is so different from everything else I've experienced. If that makes sense haha.

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rainbowocollie

That aro-spec feel when people keep asking you if you want a boyfriend and you're just like nope

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Thujaplicata
On 7/30/2021 at 9:01 PM, colliethefurry said:

That aro-spec feel when people keep asking you if you want a boyfriend and you're just like nope

Then you get the question of "why not?" 

Why do I have to justify that? I just don't. The rambling I've done to try to explain my complete lack of interest...

 

(At the time, I had zero interest in any romantic relationships, without a solid reason. I just didn't.)

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MCTlibrarian

I remember, before I had a label for what I experienced, my aunt asking me why I didn't want a relationship, and when I told her, I just like (and need) to be alone too much - she nodded and told me she understood that sentiment. Felt amazing!

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rainbowocollie

Cycling back to feeling incredibly aromantic. Still have regards for my romantic interest that is different from what I have for other people, but it's..... less romantic-y right now if that makes any sense

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rainbowocollie

Oh, hey hey! For those of us who are both demiromantic AND demisexual, there's a term someone made called demirose. I hope it gains traction.

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IveBeenThinking

Hey ummm I hope I'm not intruding, but I want some input. I recently found out that I was asexual which has opened me up to a lot, and I'm still experiencing a lot of emotions about the whole thing, but I'm wondering about my romantic orientation as well. Because I really haven't ever actively looked for a romantic relationship or had any crushes, because they honestly have never interested me that much. But about a year ago I got into a relationship with a girl who I'd been friends with for a long time. She liked me, and made some advances, and I was like "I'm not like opposed to it because they are a really great person, so why not?" so I went with it. I think I slowly gained romantic feelings for her, because I went through the "butterflies" phase and stuff, and I enjoyed like cuddling and kissing and stuff. I am still in the relationship now, but if feels like she is a lot more invested than me. Like I enjoy her company and it's nice to be in a relationship I guess, but I feel guilty sometimes because it really feels like my romantic feelings in general have always been more muted or toned-down than her and everyone else I've talked to. My friends talk about how they hate being apart and are always thinking of the people they are in relationships with, but I usually am pretty much fine just being on my own and doing other things. I think I like her romantically because I care about her and stuff, but I also find it nice to spend time away from her because she is very physically and publicly affectionate and it can feel draining sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be with friends and not have to deal with romance.

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rainbowocollie
2 hours ago, IveBeenThinking said:

Hey ummm I hope I'm not intruding, but I want some input. I recently found out that I was asexual which has opened me up to a lot, and I'm still experiencing a lot of emotions about the whole thing, but I'm wondering about my romantic orientation as well. Because I really haven't ever actively looked for a romantic relationship or had any crushes, because they honestly have never interested me that much. But about a year ago I got into a relationship with a girl who I'd been friends with for a long time. She liked me, and made some advances, and I was like "I'm not like opposed to it because they are a really great person, so why not?" so I went with it. I think I slowly gained romantic feelings for her, because I went through the "butterflies" phase and stuff, and I enjoyed like cuddling and kissing and stuff. I am still in the relationship now, but if feels like she is a lot more invested than me. Like I enjoy her company and it's nice to be in a relationship I guess, but I feel guilty sometimes because it really feels like my romantic feelings in general have always been more muted or toned-down than her and everyone else I've talked to. My friends talk about how they hate being apart and are always thinking of the people they are in relationships with, but I usually am pretty much fine just being on my own and doing other things. I think I like her romantically because I care about her and stuff, but I also find it nice to spend time away from her because she is very physically and publicly affectionate and it can feel draining sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be with friends and not have to deal with romance.

Hi! Welcome! If you require a significant amount of time to develop romantic bonds, it's very likely you are demiromantic. Not feeling as romantically invested in the relationship could be signs of being aro-spec, too.
But so far as the last couple of sentences, you could just be very introverted. Even alloromantic people won't necessarily want to spend every waking moment with their beloved, especially if they are introverts.

You'll figure it out and/or settle on a label eventually. Good thing is, if you pick a label and it turns out to later be inaccurate, you can always change the label just like that. Many of us pick a label based on the information that is currently available to us, and may change the label if we get new data later on.

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DarkStormyKnight
15 hours ago, IveBeenThinking said:

Like I enjoy her company and it's nice to be in a relationship I guess, but I feel guilty sometimes because it really feels like my romantic feelings in general have always been more muted or toned-down than her and everyone else I've talked to. My friends talk about how they hate being apart and are always thinking of the people they are in relationships with, but I usually am pretty much fine just being on my own and doing other things. I think I like her romantically because I care about her and stuff, but I also find it nice to spend time away from her because she is very physically and publicly affectionate and it can feel draining sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be with friends and not have to deal with romance.

Hello! I second the above, but I also wouldn't feel guilty about experiencing romantic attraction in a different way. If you aren't experiencing the same things, that's fine. You can talk to your partner about it, and if you're both cool with it, then there's nothing wrong here. It's actually really healthy to not be constantly pining after each other and have your own lives!

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rainbowocollie

Maybe I'm closer to aro and ace than I thought I was. Got asked out today. Said I wasn't I interested. Immediately after had all these thoughts of things I *don't* want to do, and they seem even more aversive with the reality of having been asked out. Like. Wow. I really don't want to do those things (things that are romance coded and sexuality wise)

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rainbowocollie

Falling in the grey area makes figuring orientation shit out so much harder. Like.... I used to think I was heteromantic heterosexual. Like pretty much everybody thinks at first, I know, but..... my first instance of any romantic attraction was to the opposite sex. (Second, years later, was to the same sex.) And I used to want, or thought I wanted, a relationship and marriage and kids and stuff. Maybe I just liked the ideas of those things rather than an innate desire, idk. 
Now, like.... I experience romantic attraction in some rare instances, yeah, but I don't want a romantic relationship and may even be a bit more averse to the idea of one than I thought I was. It's weird cuz I like the idea of romance in fiction. But in reality? Nah.

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I completely get you, love daydreaming about having a girlfriend and love romance in movies, but in actuality the idea of a relationship with someone is kind of exhausting. It's different when I do like someone, and a lot of that is because they were my friend first, but it's like, that friendship aspect is more important, and if I ever get married, I want a relationship that is mostly a friendship with occasional romantic moments.

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DarkStormyKnight
22 hours ago, colliethefurry said:

Falling in the grey area makes figuring orientation shit out so much harder. 

I feel this on a basic level, it's much more difficult to know where you fall when it's somewhere in between.

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rainbowocollie

After some thought, I may change my label from demi-romantic to grey-aromantic for a bit. I'm definitely in the grey area, considering I have experienced romantic attraction, but like..... I don't want a romantic relationship. And I think I'll also go by grey-asexual, cuz while I have some interest in sexuality it's kinda in a lithsexual way.... I think I don't actually want to do those things.

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Hello! New to this thread as I'm starting to wonder if I'm grey/demi-romantic, I've come to terms with being ace about a year ago. Wanted to get some opinions as I'm just thinking myself in circles by myself. I've only really been in 1 casual relationship and it was nice and I got on with them well when we'd hang out. At the start, I would get butterflies before seeing them and at the thought of seeing them etc. but then as it progressed and started turning into a 'proper' relationship I started getting really anxious about it and ended up breaking things off. I've seen it come up a few times in this thread about feelings not going much further than a certain point and all I can think of it is my feelings plateau at a certain point. I don't think I'm aromantic because I read romance-y things and want that closeness with someone. The only way I can describe it is, I don't want all the beginning part of a relationship, I just want to skip to the middle and be comfortable with someone, not any of the frilly extra stuff. 

I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all but any advice or how you came to realise you were demi-greyromantic (that you're comfortable sharing) would be very appreciated!

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DarkStormyKnight
3 hours ago, Tj_1 said:

Hello! New to this thread as I'm starting to wonder if I'm grey/demi-romantic, I've come to terms with being ace about a year ago. Wanted to get some opinions as I'm just thinking myself in circles by myself. I've only really been in 1 casual relationship and it was nice and I got on with them well when we'd hang out. At the start, I would get butterflies before seeing them and at the thought of seeing them etc. but then as it progressed and started turning into a 'proper' relationship I started getting really anxious about it and ended up breaking things off. I've seen it come up a few times in this thread about feelings not going much further than a certain point and all I can think of it is my feelings plateau at a certain point. I don't think I'm aromantic because I read romance-y things and want that closeness with someone. The only way I can describe it is, I don't want all the beginning part of a relationship, I just want to skip to the middle and be comfortable with someone, not any of the frilly extra stuff. 

I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all but any advice or how you came to realise you were demi-greyromantic (that you're comfortable sharing) would be very appreciated!

Hi and welcome! So I definitely relate to the idea of wanting to skip to the middle of the relationship, the new relationship/dating scene was never really my thing at all. Plus the wanting a relationship and not being totally aromantic, I vibe with that as well. When I first started thinking about my romantic orientation, I really shied away from aromanticism because I figured that since I wanted a relationship, I wasn't aromantic. I ended up coming back around to it just because of my really low interest in dating, or like actively seeking out someone to date. I just wanted it, like you said, to somehow happen and I'd end up in a relationship! 

I'm in a relationship currently, what works for me is to date someone that I was friends with already so that it feels like just hopping into the middle of the relationship. And I think even just being open about being a lil aromantic has put me much more at ease.

You'll figure it out! I believe in you.

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rainbowocollie
13 hours ago, Tj_1 said:

Hello! New to this thread as I'm starting to wonder if I'm grey/demi-romantic, I've come to terms with being ace about a year ago. Wanted to get some opinions as I'm just thinking myself in circles by myself. I've only really been in 1 casual relationship and it was nice and I got on with them well when we'd hang out. At the start, I would get butterflies before seeing them and at the thought of seeing them etc. but then as it progressed and started turning into a 'proper' relationship I started getting really anxious about it and ended up breaking things off. I've seen it come up a few times in this thread about feelings not going much further than a certain point and all I can think of it is my feelings plateau at a certain point. I don't think I'm aromantic because I read romance-y things and want that closeness with someone. The only way I can describe it is, I don't want all the beginning part of a relationship, I just want to skip to the middle and be comfortable with someone, not any of the frilly extra stuff. 

I'm not sure if that makes any sense at all but any advice or how you came to realise you were demi-greyromantic (that you're comfortable sharing) would be very appreciated!

Fray-romantic might fit you, maybe? 
It's been a long journey for me, first thinking I was alloromantic because I a) had romantic attraction at least sometimes and b) I was fine with eventually getting into a relationship "if it happens" so I must want one? Then to demiromantic because I took several years to develop romantic attraction to a friend. And now I figure I'm dark grey-aromantic bc I rarely have romantic attractions, and I also don't actually want a relationship.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 11/24/2021 at 5:49 PM, DarkStormyKnight said:

Hi and welcome! So I definitely relate to the idea of wanting to skip to the middle of the relationship, the new relationship/dating scene was never really my thing at all. Plus the wanting a relationship and not being totally aromantic, I vibe with that as well. When I first started thinking about my romantic orientation, I really shied away from aromanticism because I figured that since I wanted a relationship, I wasn't aromantic. I ended up coming back around to it just because of my really low interest in dating, or like actively seeking out someone to date. I just wanted it, like you said, to somehow happen and I'd end up in a relationship! 

I'm in a relationship currently, what works for me is to date someone that I was friends with already so that it feels like just hopping into the middle of the relationship. And I think even just being open about being a lil aromantic has put me much more at ease.

You'll figure it out! I believe in you.

Sorry it's been forever! This is really helpful and I appreciate the reply! Definitely helps that someone else relates and you've put how I feel into words for sure! Thank you!!

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On 11/25/2021 at 3:53 AM, colliethefurry said:

Fray-romantic might fit you, maybe? 
It's been a long journey for me, first thinking I was alloromantic because I a) had romantic attraction at least sometimes and b) I was fine with eventually getting into a relationship "if it happens" so I must want one? Then to demiromantic because I took several years to develop romantic attraction to a friend. And now I figure I'm dark grey-aromantic bc I rarely have romantic attractions, and I also don't actually want a relationship.

Thank you! I've only just started looking into that orientation and it's very interesting and definitely something I will explore further! 

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rainbowocollie

Ever since I settled on grey-aroace, I just feel so.... satisfied. Like. It feels right. I don't really question if it fits or not anymore.

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rainbowocollie

my aro-spec ass: romantic relationships sound weird, ngl
my still aro-spec but also gay ass: *sappy wappy gushy feelings & pining for the rare woman who ever managed to grab my attention in a romantic sense*

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Hello, 

I’m not exactly sure what my romantic orientation is but I’m seriously considering the possibility of me being Demi or Grey. I’ve never really been significantly interested in romance or dating. I’ve always really liked the idea of someone liking me,  but I’ve learned my feelings are very different in real life than they are in my head. I’ve only really had about one or two real crushes and it wasn’t very strong. I don’t really care all that much if I date or not. I’ve been in one situation where another person liked me back and I wasn’t particularly interested in him. I was mostly just excited that someone actually liked me since I’ve never really been viewed as particularly desirable by anyone. If I were to be close with someone romantically I don’t see much  difference in what I would do with them and what I would do with friends. Is there any way to know for sure wether I’m in the Grey area or not? 

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rainbowocollie
7 hours ago, Hev20 said:

Hello, 

I’m not exactly sure what my romantic orientation is but I’m seriously considering the possibility of me being Demi or Grey. I’ve never really been significantly interested in romance or dating. I’ve always really liked the idea of someone liking me,  but I’ve learned my feelings are very different in real life than they are in my head. I’ve only really had about one or two real crushes and it wasn’t very strong. I don’t really care all that much if I date or not. I’ve been in one situation where another person liked me back and I wasn’t particularly interested in him. I was mostly just excited that someone actually liked me since I’ve never really been viewed as particularly desirable by anyone. If I were to be close with someone romantically I don’t see much  difference in what I would do with them and what I would do with friends. Is there any way to know for sure wether I’m in the Grey area or not? 

I think you can come to a place where you are reasonably certain, but there are times where I still wonder. Grey-aro is a broad category, and can include only feeling romantic feelings under specific circumstances (and otherwise being uninterested), or only feeling it very weakly.

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DarkStormyKnight
22 hours ago, Hev20 said:

Hello, 

I’m not exactly sure what my romantic orientation is but I’m seriously considering the possibility of me being Demi or Grey. I’ve never really been significantly interested in romance or dating. I’ve always really liked the idea of someone liking me,  but I’ve learned my feelings are very different in real life than they are in my head. I’ve only really had about one or two real crushes and it wasn’t very strong. I don’t really care all that much if I date or not. I’ve been in one situation where another person liked me back and I wasn’t particularly interested in him. I was mostly just excited that someone actually liked me since I’ve never really been viewed as particularly desirable by anyone. If I were to be close with someone romantically I don’t see much  difference in what I would do with them and what I would do with friends. Is there any way to know for sure wether I’m in the Grey area or not? 

Unfortunately, no. There isn't a way to know for certain. And that's alright! I think if you feel comfortable with the label, then you are allowed to use it. I like the gray label personally because I want to convey that I can still experience romantic attraction, but it's rare and not an important part of my life. (Similar to how you don't really care if you date people or not.) My best advice is to try it out, see what the vibe is! You might like it or you might hate it.

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