the grey/demiromantic thread

[rainbowocollie]

13 hours ago, Terra Branford said:

"I'm like...for lack of a better way to put it, 90% aromantic. So I guess the term is Grayro. Anyway. I had one case in my life where I truly and fully was in love with someone. Love at first sight type thing. And to this day, my heart aches when I think of this person, and I dream that I'm in a relationship with them, even thought in the end I only knew them in high school and haven't seen them in years. It drives me crazy thinking about the fact I lacked the confidence to believe I was lovable and say something. We aren't really friends anymore, and I don't know if it would be healthy to try to talk to them again and regain friendship when I still feel this way over a decade later or if that would be downright creepy or stalkerish. I haven't kept track of their life or anything and honestly try to distance myself to stop feeling this way.

 

But, to the point. I was wondering if any Aros/Grayros had the same problem of not being able to get over the people they've loved because it's not as simple as looking around and meeting new people. I have had fleeting crushes that I'm sure were squishes on hind sight. I just feel like I'll never fall in love with anyone like I did this person, and it hurts. Not looking for advice, more seeing if I'm alone in this."

 

This post from this thread: 

It really resonates with me as I have been dealing with something VERY similar for over a decade now, and holy crap it sucks.  I feel like this is an issue that isn't really talked about because it's thought that being on the aro/ace spectrum is characterized by getting over crushes and feelings very quickly. However, if you're greyro in the since that your feelings infrequent yet strong when they do happen, it's easy to go into a state of limerence because your feelings are SO rare. I wonder how many other greyros can relate. 

Definitely relate. My crush on my friend has lasted several years, and it's fine most of the time but it also sucks sometimes because I really want to spend time with her. I also tend to get a little jealous over her sometimes.... 🙃

[Guest]

I've been thinking about this kid I knew for like four months when we were 12 and a decade has past and I'm an entirely different person but I'm still like "but what if........." because I haven't had a real crush since then. Rolling my eyes at myself over here 🙄

 

There's a reason I just say I'm aroace outside of AVEN lolll

[BKPR70]

Oh snap, I didn't even see this thread til now. Anyway, I'm Brenda and I fluctuate between hetero, aro and demi romantic. More often, demi romantic. Ok, nice to meet y'all 💜🖤🤍

[DarthShakespeare]

On 10/14/2022 at 8:24 PM, Collie Grace said:

But, to the point. I was wondering if any Aros/Grayros had the same problem of not being able to get over the people they've loved because it's not as simple as looking around and meeting new people. I have had fleeting crushes that I'm sure were squishes on hind sight. I just feel like I'll never fall in love with anyone like I did this person, and it hurts. Not looking for advice, more seeing if I'm alone in this."

I have definitely felt this, I haven't had too many crushes before, but sometimes on the off chance that I think about one of the people who I had a crush on, I still feel kinda blushy. Maybe its because when I confessed to him, he didn't outright turn me down and instead said he needed time to think about his own sexuality (leaving my confession a bit unfinished). I was told by my other friend this person had liked me so I was surprised that he said that, in the four months that we had reconnected (we went to elementary school together) he somehow began to like me then started questioning his sexuality... Maybe its because he is not really in my life anymore (for unrelated reasons), so  the last memory I have of him... is liking him. Its been four years lol, haven't liked anyone since!

[Terra Branford]

Being gray is so horrendously confusing and frustrating. I'm doing better with limerence and the feelings I've had for the same guy over the last decade. But right now I'm dealing with all this doubt and uncertainty about what I may or may not want. I'm not attracted to anyone else currently but sometimes feel like I may need to just get out there but I don't feel like it lol. The thought of chasing or looking for love does not appeal to me at all but I keep wondering what if. Especially since so many people in my life are moving on with partners, I know thats not a reason to do it but the indirect pressure really gets to me. I don't know anyone else like me where I am so I just end up feeling lonely and frustrated. I just want to be able to have some kind of peace.

[rainbowocollie]

Not grey-aro, but grey-ace thoughts....
Right now I'm wishing I was a whole lesbian instead of a half-asexual lesbian.

[Sleepy_Panda]

wish I had found this threat sooner. Romantic feeling are confusing af : D 

[Terra Branford]

Anyone else feel like they are physically incapable of dating? Because between my extremely rare/infrequent feelings and the expectations of romance/physical intimacy it makes dating very uncomfortable. But being grayro makes it difficult because it makes me wonder am I not meeting enough people or does it mean I should just leave it alone and take my chances just living life? Most of the time I don't even want a relationship. I believe if I wasn't still stuck on someone (or at least the image/idea of them) I liked 10 years ago, this wouldn't be an issue. Most days I find myself wishing he and never became friends because my brain has been reeling since then. Sometimes I feel envious of allos and aros because allos can easily find someone else they like and full aros don't care one way or the other. However, all orientations have their upsides and downsides. This cycle I deal with is so depressing....ugh. I'd rather just potentially meet someone randomly in a group setting, at a work event, school, etc. where romance/physical intimacy is not the focus. But that seems impossible especially these days. Or if these stupid feelings I still have for someone else would just go away and I never fell for someone again, I'd be fine with that too. Sometimes it's not better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.

[DarkStormyKnight]

44 minutes ago, Terra Branford said:

Anyone else feel like they are physically incapable of dating? 

I personally think the way we date is typically very incompatible for anyone on the aromantic spectrum. But I don't think it's impossible. You could still meet someone randomly, like you said you'd want to. Or I met my current partner on a dating app, I didn't love the experience but somehow that worked for me. I think because we could talk for a while without meeting face to face, that helped me a lot.

But for real, if you're happy on your own right now, don't pressure yourself into dating! Maybe you'll want to dive in eventually, or maybe not. And nothing's wrong with either option.

[Guest]

Hi! I'm starting to think I might be greyromantic? Figuring out romantic orientation is ridiculously hard. I've had what I'm fairly sure are romantic feelings for people, but they've never been the strong feelings that music and TV so love to portray. I've been okay with it when things didn't work out. Mild disappointment in some instances, but I move on quickly and don't need a relationship to be content.

[Guest]

@Terra Branford It's hard not to be self-defeating or find peace with yourself when you don't have closure in your life. Before worrying about being capable or incapable, wanting or not wanting a relationship, I think people have to be able to accept things as they currently are. And it sounds like this guy you've been thinking about for ten years has been really holding you back in terms of just being able to exist as yourself and not overthink everything.  I don't want to suggest anything and sound condescending since I'm sure you've been trying to figure out how to move on for ten years, but I do feel concerned how much of your negativity and confusion I've seen you post about on this thread seems to be centered around this guy. There's a lot of questions that just don't exist or bother a person when they aren't constantly comparing their experiences to something that happened in the past. I hope you'll be able to keep working on that and find your peace someday, because I truly feel for you

[Terra Branford]

20 hours ago, Haneul said:

@Terra Branford It's hard not to be self-defeating or find peace with yourself when you don't have closure in your life. Before worrying about being capable or incapable, wanting or not wanting a relationship, I think people have to be able to accept things as they currently are. And it sounds like this guy you've been thinking about for ten years has been really holding you back in terms of just being able to exist as yourself and not overthink everything.  I don't want to suggest anything and sound condescending since I'm sure you've been trying to figure out how to move on for ten years, but I do feel concerned how much of your negativity and confusion I've seen you post about on this thread seems to be centered around this guy. There's a lot of questions that just don't exist or bother a person when they aren't constantly comparing their experiences to something that happened in the past. I hope you'll be able to keep working on that and find your peace someday, because I truly feel for you

Thanks. At this point, peace is all I want. But it's not just about that person, I've been confused a lot due to my own lack of confidence and the environment I'm in. I know no one else who is similar to me, and having a conversation about this stuff with people in real life is just impossible because they don't get it. I feel like an alien where I am so that definitely does not help. I have a therapist I talk to, but she doesn't fully get it either so I'm trying to teach her, I suppose. I think once I reconcile that I'm who I am and get over this long standing limerence I've been dealing with, I will genuinely be okay. I just hope it doesn't take something drastic (a tragedy) to get me to snap out of it. Maybe it's speaking to a deeper desire or want that I feel isn't being fulfilled. I have no idea. But I try to keep myself grounded in logic to give me some type of solace. I appreciate your kind words. 

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Terra Branford said:

Thanks. At this point, peace is all I want. But it's not just about that person, I've been confused a lot due to my own lack of confidence and the environment I'm in. I know no one else who is similar to me, and having a conversation about this stuff with people in real life is just impossible because they don't get it. I feel like an alien where I am so that definitely does not help. I have a therapist I talk to, but she doesn't fully get it either so I'm trying to teach her, I suppose. I think once I reconcile that I'm who I am and get over this long standing limerence I've been dealing with, I will genuinely be okay. I just hope it doesn't take something drastic (a tragedy) to get me to snap out of it. Maybe it's speaking to a deeper desire or want that I feel isn't being fulfilled. I have no idea. But I try to keep myself grounded in logic to give me some type of solace. I appreciate your kind words. 

Well with this explanation, I think I may have a helpful suggestion related to your therapist and your Dude Guy specifically lol. I think the issue is probably framing - because your therapist isn't familiar with aro/ace experiences, and your explanation of this problem is sourced in your aro/ace experiences, this would definitely feel alien and may be difficult for your therapist to navigate with you. But if you frame this as an issue of feeling unfulfilled with your life because you have trouble letting go of an important person who isn't in your life anymore, your therapist may be able to help. Many people have trouble moving on from lost loved ones, and navigating grief is something therapists are trained to help people do. If you frame this as grief from a loss that has gone unresolved, and not an issue to solely blame on your orientation, progress can be made with your therapist and I think a less negative view of your sexuality can more likely emerge. You are a human before you are a greyromantic! Humans grieve.

 

Those are my two cents. Sorry if you've considered this angle before already, but I do have experience with therapy and what therapists can and can't do, so I thought I should at least try.

[DarkStormyKnight]

4 hours ago, Haneul said:

because your therapist isn't familiar with aro/ace experiences, and your explanation of this problem is sourced in your aro/ace experiences, this would definitely feel alien and may be difficult for your therapist to navigate with you.

Will also add that it is NOT your job to educate your therapist on these things, they should really go out there and learn about it themselves so you aren't spending time on it during your sessions. And speaking from personal experience, it can be hard to educate therapists on this quickly because a lot of them can be resistant to learning from clients.

[Slothed]

Hello! For the majority of my life I've known I'm greyromantic (although discovering the actual word for it only happened earlier this year); however, the recent end of a relationship started to make me question this. Of course that meant a lot of Googling (and searching AVEN posts), which led to this really interesting article (https://bringingmaeflowers.com/2022/06/30/dating-as-a-demiromantic-part-6-am-i-afraid-of-love/) around the same time as my epiphany that maybe I'm actually demiromantic (more real life experience is needed to be certain). It examines demiromanticism from an angle that doesn't seem widely discussed and is personally very relatable. From briefly skimming around this thread it seems a lot of you are fairly confident in where you stand, but I just wanted to share in case it might help anyone in the same situation.

[rainbowocollie]

I am no longer having the romantic feelings for the person I considered myself to have had them for for the past several years. They're still very much important to me. But now I desire something more akin to a QPR from them.

[Guest]

I was offended when someone suggested I might be looking for a close friend when I described my ideal relationship to them, but I don't feel so opposed to that idea any more. Friendship seems a lot more flexible and amendable to one's own life anyway. Not that relationships can't be, there are just so many expectations connected to the concept.

[Terra Branford]

On 11/30/2022 at 2:38 AM, Lilika said:

I was offended when someone suggested I might be looking for a close friend when I described my ideal relationship to them, but I don't feel so opposed to that idea any more. Friendship seems a lot more flexible and amendable to one's own life anyway. Not that relationships can't be, there are just so many expectations connected to the concept.

Very relatable. I go back and forth.

[NerdyBirdy]

Reading this thread has really helped solidify that I’m most likely Greyromantic. I have experienced romantic attraction so very rarely in my life that I really fixate on the person to the extent that I’ve never been able to get over them properly, even years later. I’ve been in a state of limerence for someone I was briefly romantically attracted to online and never even met 8 years ago, and still feel in platonic love with a friend I lost touch with nearly 17 years ago. All my other crushes, of which there haven’t been many, I remember clearly. I totally get what someone said previously about Greyromantic people not being able to get over someone easily as the feelings happen so rarely. This makes so much sense to me.   
 

An allo friend of mine had completely forgotten someone she had chatted to online over lockdown and had really liked at the time and only remembered when they started talking again and I reminded her about him. It seemed so bizarre to me to forget someone you had liked in that way, even after a long time. I guess allo people tend to forget people they don’t feel that strongly about as the romantic feelings happen quite frequently, although not necessarily strongly. It happens to me so rarely that I remember them all, even when the feelings were very weak and lasted a short time. 
 

 

[rainbowocollie]

2 hours ago, NerdyBirdy said:

Reading this thread has really helped solidify that I’m most likely Greyromantic. I have experienced romantic attraction so very rarely in my life that I really fixate on the person to the extent that I’ve never been able to get over them properly, even years later. I’ve been in a state of limerence for someone I was briefly romantically attracted to online and never even met 8 years ago, and still feel in platonic love with a friend I lost touch with nearly 17 years ago. All my other crushes, of which there haven’t been many, I remember clearly. I totally get what someone said previously about Greyromantic people not being able to get over someone easily as the feelings happen so rarely. This makes so much sense to me.   

 

Yep, I can relate to your experience for sure. One of my only romantic attachments ever has lasted for years at this point. I previously said (in this thread, maybe, idk) that my feelings for them are no longer romantic, but now I'm not so sure.

[DarkStormyKnight]

I struggle to get over people soooo much, a guy I maybe liked in high school sometimes will just randomly pop into my head and remind me that those feelings are all there. I haven't seen him in years, it's really strange/frustrating.

[Autumn ace]

Honestly, I have a hard time distinguishing between whether I have a crush/squish on someone or if I just think they’re interesting. I’m still figuring it out. 
At this point, I identify as grayromantic and I want a queer platonic partnership instead of dating.  

[LadyL]

I think I might be greyromantic. I’ve started exploring this possibility. For the first time, I’ve brought up my asexuality to a therapist. They had heard of it, but not the grey like I am sexually and I think romantically too. It’s just that dating and love have been so confusing for so long. I’m in another dissatisfying situation and I just want to figure myself out. Should I even bother trying to be romantically involved with others anymore? 
I saw the term Queer Platonic Partner here recently, and feel intrigued. I’m not sure if that’s right for me either, but I have to keep trying because it’s driving me crazy to not understand.