will123 Posted September 30, 2019 Share Posted September 30, 2019 7 hours ago, mothgirl said: About a year ago when I was 52. I don't know if it makes any difference to me. I still can't talk about it to other people. I know how you feel. I didn't feel comfortable enough to come out to anyone until a few months after being on AVEN. It has been a gradual process. In the two years since then I've told five other allos and met four other aces. Hopefully, knowing that you're asexual is positive regardless of what you posted. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lemon_lime Posted October 4, 2019 Share Posted October 4, 2019 When I was a teen I was completely sex and nudity averse. But I didnt know I was asexual and I figured I would want sex eventually, that it was something that came with love. I was also mislead to believe that women had a lower sex drive than men. I think I was a bit like the OP and assumed my friends were experiencing the same thing when they liked someone. I liked the look of men and women but had no interest in touching them. But I had a lot of crushes. I started dating my husband when we were 17 and its been 16 years now, we're still together. We were best friends for years before we started dating. We kissed and cuddled but that was it. I just told him I wasnt ready and I thought that was normal. But I didnt want it for years and years and I was starting to feel embarrassed but sex still horrified me. And then we got engaged and I just assumed we would have sex when we got married, because I was stupid and I dunno, didnt think things through. 🤦♀️ Once we got married I still couldn't do it. I panicked and stopped things on our wedding night. But I still had no idea I was asexual so I kept trying. I tried to psych myself up for it. I eventually did it, 2.5 years after we got married. It was like pulling off a band-aid. I didn't think, I was just like, "Lets do this!" I enjoyed it physically but I don't need or particularly want it. I still feel a little too vulnerable when we do it, but I would never have been able to do it with anyone else. He is my best friend and we know each other so well he is like the other half of my soul. One thing that I remember so clearly, when I realized that maybe I wasnt normal. I was having a conversation with some friends and we were talking about arranged marriages, because one of them was from a south Asian culture that still has arranged marriages and we just had some questions about how it works. Needless to say I am completely horrified by the idea. One of the other women said, "But how do you know they will treat you well?" I was completely shocked that that was her main concern! My brain couldnt get past "SeX wItH a STrAnGeR?!?@!!" I felt like I needed to be rebooted but she just wanted him to be kind?! I didnt speak for the rest of the evening. That really shook me. I only learned about asexuals a few years later. It was actually while reading a romance novel where one of the main characters was demi. I thought maybe that was me too because I had such a close relationship with my husband. But while reading about the spectrum more I decided I was more asexual since I still didnt want sex with my husband even after I was in love with him and we were married. That was about 3 years ago, I would have been 32 years old. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Cat Lady Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 On 9/30/2019 at 6:45 AM, will123 said: I know how you feel. I didn't feel comfortable enough to come out to anyone until a few months after being on AVEN. It has been a gradual process. In the two years since then I've told five other allos and met four other aces. Hopefully, knowing that you're asexual is positive regardless of what you posted. I've been on AVEN for years now, but still am not "out" to anyone I know in person. AVEN is my outlet to discuss if/when need be. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted October 12, 2019 Share Posted October 12, 2019 11 hours ago, Crazy Cat Lady said: I've been on AVEN for years now, but still am not "out" to anyone I know in person. AVEN is my outlet to discuss if/when need be. I told my one friend that I'm sorry I ask him a lot of questions about sexuality. He didn't have a problem. I just said there are a lot of things about 'it' that I can't get my head around. We're open to each other about alot of things, so I'm comfortable discussing my asexuality and his sexuality with him. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyke Posted October 12, 2019 Author Share Posted October 12, 2019 13 hours ago, Crazy Cat Lady said: I've been on AVEN for years now, but still am not "out" to anyone I know in person. AVEN is my outlet to discuss if/when need be. I see you are in Canada. There's an international Aven meet in Toronto next September. If it's anything like its predecessors it will be a lot of fun and is purely social (no seminars or the like). That would be one way to meet some other Aces irl.... 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mothgirl Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 Quote On 9/30/2019 at 5:45 AM, will123 said: I know how you feel. I didn't feel comfortable enough to come out to anyone until a few months after being on AVEN. It has been a gradual process. In the two years since then I've told five other allos and met four other aces. Hopefully, knowing that you're asexual is positive regardless of what you posted. Knowing that there are other people who feel like I do and that they are talking about it does help. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Crazy Cat Lady Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 On 10/12/2019 at 10:20 AM, Midland Tyke said: I see you are in Canada. There's an international Aven meet in Toronto next September. If it's anything like its predecessors it will be a lot of fun and is purely social (no seminars or the like). That would be one way to meet some other Aces irl.... Thank you. I'm in Alberta. I did find a group here, as well, but I haven't yet summoned up the "courage" to attend any of the local events, either. Maybe one day. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lemon_lime Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 56 minutes ago, Crazy Cat Lady said: Thank you. I'm in Alberta. I did find a group here, as well, but I haven't yet summoned up the "courage" to attend any of the local events, either. Maybe one day. I am in Alberta as well. But I don’t hVe the courage to go either. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted October 13, 2019 Share Posted October 13, 2019 1 hour ago, Crazy Cat Lady said: Thank you. I'm in Alberta. I did find a group here, as well, but I haven't yet summoned up the "courage" to attend any of the local events, either. Maybe one day. 48 minutes ago, lemon_lime said: I am in Alberta as well. But I don’t hVe the courage to go either. If I make it out west next year I might be in Calgary. This summer I told a long time friend that had lived in Alberta since '88 that I was asexual. I wasn't sure how that would go but she was fine with it. Another friend lives in Powell River BC. I'd really like to tell her but it's a bit of logistical work to visit there. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Tyke Posted October 13, 2019 Author Share Posted October 13, 2019 2 hours ago, Crazy Cat Lady said: Thank you. I'm in Alberta. I did find a group here, as well, but I haven't yet summoned up the "courage" to attend any of the local events, either. Maybe one day. 2 hours ago, lemon_lime said: I am in Alberta as well. But I don’t hVe the courage to go either. You two could have a conversation here by PM and see how that goes. Meeting just one person that you've already chatted with might be the way to go (for starters...). keep us posted with progress, eh? 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
smellincoffee Posted October 20, 2019 Share Posted October 20, 2019 In response to the original question, I was 21. I'm in my mid-thirties now! 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 29. Wish it had been earlier 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted October 21, 2019 Share Posted October 21, 2019 1 hour ago, Purple Wanderer said: 29. Wish it had been earlier If you don't mind me asking when you did find out, were you looking for 'answers' or just stumbled onto it so to speak? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Anommamous Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 4 hours ago, will123 said: If you don't mind me asking when you did find out, were you looking for 'answers' or just stumbled onto it so to speak? I know you weren't asking me, but that is an interesting question. I just kind of stumbled across it. Makes me wonder how many others realized it that same way, since on most of the threads I read people say they've always known something was off. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 1 hour ago, Anommamous said: I know you weren't asking me, but that is an interesting question. I just kind of stumbled across it. Makes me wonder how many others realized it that same way, since on most of the threads I read people say they've always known something was off. There are also a good many of us who didn't realize something was off until we got into sexual relationships, and found something was off then but weren't sure what, and found out about asexuality by searching for answers. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Purple Wanderer Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 18 hours ago, will123 said: If you don't mind me asking when you did find out, were you looking for 'answers' or just stumbled onto it so to speak? It was a few weeks after another failed relationship. After years of a another very frustrated partner because I just wasn't into sex. I was laid awake at night and asked myself - do I actually want sex? Which led to an epiphany... And I realised that no. I'd always been coerced and only done it to please someone else. Later Google searches found asexuality. 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 On 10/22/2019 at 2:37 PM, Purple Wanderer said: It was a few weeks after another failed relationship. After years of a another very frustrated partner because I just wasn't into sex. I was laid awake at night and asked myself - do I actually want sex? Which led to an epiphany... And I realised that no. I'd always been coerced and only done it to please someone else. Later Google searches found asexuality. I said no when a female friend asked me about sex. In the aftermath I was very upset that I lost a friend (never saw her after that fateful conversation) but was still convinced that I wanted to lose my virginity. I was around 40 at the time. Found out about asexuality about four years later. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rose Gold Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 (edited) I'm 59 and my wonderful daughter sent me a link to AVEN 2 days ago after conversation we had about my new " date". I have been married 3 times and most recently a 7 year relationship. I am still in shock to find that there isnt something wrong with me! I have been single for the last 4 year's and Im truly the happiest I've ever been. Sex was always a chore or "my duty" ( in my mind). Shortly after my last relationship ended, a long story not about sex, i found myself feeling joyful that i never have to endure sex ever again! I am romantic though so i do miss hugs, kisses and companionship. I dont feel the need to "come out" so to speak as its nobody elses business. 🙂 Edited October 31, 2019 by Rose Gold Missed out something 4 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daveb Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Welcome, @Rose Gold! Have some 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 @Rose Gold, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nicole18214 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 I identified as asexual I think about 5 years ago, so when I was 28 or so. I stumbled across it when I was reading a romance book and they used words like pansexual and I had to google it to learn what it meant. I ended up on a site that defined all different sexual identifications and one was asexual. The second I read the definition I thought "that's me", that's how I feel. I never really noticed that things necessarily felt off or different before because I didn't realize I was looking at things differently than everyone else. Looking back on my highschool/college years and asking more questions to my husband on his thoughts, etc. on his sexual attraction I really see it now. I have not "come out" to anyone directly as asexual and have not really felt the need to. I am married (11 yrs with 3.5 dating) and as I had the self-discovery I have shared my thoughts/feelings (or rather non-thoughts) towards sex/sexual attraction with my husband and asked for his and he has completely accepted mine and not questioned them. (He's pretty awesome). 5 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
will123 Posted November 8, 2019 Share Posted November 8, 2019 47 minutes ago, Nicole18214 said: The second I read the definition I thought "that's me", that's how I feel. I never really noticed that things necessarily felt off or different before because I didn't realize I was looking at things differently than everyone else. I have not "come out" to anyone directly as asexual and have not really felt the need to. I am married (11 yrs with 3.5 dating) and as I had the self-discovery I have shared my thoughts/feelings (or rather non-thoughts) towards sex/sexual attraction with my husband and asked for his and he has completely accepted mine and not questioned them. (He's pretty awesome). That's how I felt the moment after I found out about asexuality. It was a huge relief to know why I was like I was. I'm out to about half a dozen people that I'm comfortable telling. Over the years they all have been close friends and/or people that have remarked on my lack of relationships. Their responses were the same as your husband's which is pretty cool. One girl I know said it didn't matter to her that I wasn't a sexual person, just as long as I was happy. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rosehell Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 I was 36. I was searching for what was wrong with me due to my husband mad about 7 yrs of no sex at the time (married for 13- two kids and the pregnancies were hell). I am perfectly content not being touched or cuddled and definitely happy with no sex, but everything about a perfect marriage includes sex so I searched for what was wrong....little did I know- NOTHING. When I stumbled on both aromantic and asexual I knew, I briefly mentioned this to him and sent him the AVEN site. He hasn't talked about it since, that was 6 months ago. I think he thinks it is a phase. He tries to get me to drink to loosen up because I am "more fun drunk". If only I can go back and talk to that younger stupid version of me that tried to fit in in every way possible. I am still in the learning stage about myself, and I do not know how much longer this marriage will last because of this. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Skycaptain Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 @rosehell, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Maybe a look through the relationships and SPFA threads will help 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nima Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 5 hours ago, rosehell said: I was 36. I was searching for what was wrong with me due to my husband mad about 7 yrs of no sex at the time (married for 13- two kids and the pregnancies were hell). I am perfectly content not being touched or cuddled and definitely happy with no sex, but everything about a perfect marriage includes sex so I searched for what was wrong....little did I know- NOTHING. When I stumbled on both aromantic and asexual I knew, I briefly mentioned this to him and sent him the AVEN site. He hasn't talked about it since, that was 6 months ago. I think he thinks it is a phase. He tries to get me to drink to loosen up because I am "more fun drunk". If only I can go back and talk to that younger stupid version of me that tried to fit in in every way possible. I am still in the learning stage about myself, and I do not know how much longer this marriage will last because of this. Sounds a lot like my experiences. I was a tad bit older when I started googling if there are reasons why I (don't) feel the way I do. Hormones? suppressed trauma? Is this as common as I thought it was? Would therapy improve my marriage? and then, at 42 I found out about asexuality and identified immediately. For more than a year, I regretted even talking to my husband about this. It got worse before it got better. For the sexual partner, it's like a loved one died. but is still there to constantly keep reminding them of their loss. He mourned me, didn't accept what he called "pity sex", I moved out of our bed, because he couldn't sleep next to me anymore, because he was worried about "pestering" me. It took a lot of time and patient talks, a lot of personal development, finding our own paths to get back the friendship we started with once upon a time. I wish you lots of endurance and understanding on both ends, acceptance and the willpower not to give up on the relationship, but mold it into something that you can both appreciate. 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Davina Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 I was just 79 when I discovered the AVEN website. What a wonderful revelation to finally understand a lifetime of sexual searching and hoping that my lack of desire would one day 'switch on'! In my delight I joined AVEN and in a post on Aug 30th 2018 announced that I wanted to write a book about journey towards discovering my asexuality. I'm pleased to report that the cathartic experience of writing is almost finished and I'm at the editing stage. It has been rewarding and illuminating to explore my life from growing up in the 40's and 50's, later with two marriages, while continual searching to understand sexuality, studying human relationships, and how I found happiness in artistic pursuits. Now in my early 80's I have never been happier and certainly want to thank AVEN and perhaps contribute to fellow ACE's with an account of my life-experiences. It's never too late for self-discovery and sharing to support others. Will keep you all posted! 9 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rosehell Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 8 hours ago, Skycaptain said: @rosehell, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 Maybe a look through the relationships and SPFA threads will help Thank you I will...I am still very confused but I feel like this is right for me at this point in my life being honest with myself and as of right now only my husband. I look back and realize I have always felt this way and never paid any attention because it was considered not normal. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rosehell Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 52 minutes ago, Davina said: I was just 79 when I discovered the AVEN website. What a wonderful revelation to finally understand a lifetime of sexual searching and hoping that my lack of desire would one day 'switch on'! In my delight I joined AVEN and in a post on Aug 30th 2018 announced that I wanted to write a book about journey towards discovering my asexuality. I'm pleased to report that the cathartic experience of writing is almost finished and I'm at the editing stage. It has been rewarding and illuminating to explore my life from growing up in the 40's and 50's, later with two marriages, while continual searching to understand sexuality, studying human relationships, and how I found happiness in artistic pursuits. Now in my early 80's I have never been happier and certainly want to thank AVEN and perhaps contribute to fellow ACE's with an account of my life-experiences. It's never too late for self-discovery and sharing to support others. Will keep you all posted! I am just now starting my revelation, but the support I am finding here in AVEN, even if it is just reading posts, makes me feel like I am not alone. I just hope I get the support from my family as well. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
rosehell Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 8 hours ago, Nima said: Sounds a lot like my experiences. I was a tad bit older when I started googling if there are reasons why I (don't) feel the way I do. Hormones? suppressed trauma? Is this as common as I thought it was? Would therapy improve my marriage? and then, at 42 I found out about asexuality and identified immediately. For more than a year, I regretted even talking to my husband about this. It got worse before it got better. For the sexual partner, it's like a loved one died. but is still there to constantly keep reminding them of their loss. He mourned me, didn't accept what he called "pity sex", I moved out of our bed, because he couldn't sleep next to me anymore, because he was worried about "pestering" me. It took a lot of time and patient talks, a lot of personal development, finding our own paths to get back the friendship we started with once upon a time. I wish you lots of endurance and understanding on both ends, acceptance and the willpower not to give up on the relationship, but mold it into something that you can both appreciate. LOL....3 years ago I made the brilliant plan to get split king beds that are adjustable. This is before I even knew I was aro ace. I would tuck a blanket in between to keep my husband on his side of the bed and different mattresses that were different heights so it was even more difficult. I am very touch adverse (mostly to do with chronic pain I think), with the exception of my kids, but even then it is only in small amounts. I fully understand the pestering, and I even understand why. I just don't know how I can compromise at all (can't even think about pity sex....ugh...). 2 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SithAzathoth WinterDragon Posted November 28, 2019 Share Posted November 28, 2019 I was 13 , early 2000s....... From that moment to today I've never been in a physical relationship with anyone, and never will. 3 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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