Annoying things romantics say

[Tarfeather]

Impossible to kick IE, switch to linux instead. :)

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Or you know, AVEN could just fix their damn site ;)

[Dodecahedron314]

Impossible to kick IE, switch to linux instead. :)

Agreed. If you don't like having unnecessary programs installed, Linux is where it's at--everything you need, nothing you don't.

[Ace of Amethysts]

What is this 'Linux'?

[ChillaKilla]

But isn't Linux an OS, not a browser? Plus it can be cumbersome to get to know, and God forbid you use it to type a file name and don't underscore a space...

[Rising Sun]

It depends on the distro. Ubuntu is pretty easy, although it's much harder if you're used to Windows but as an OS X user, it's pretty much the same as OS X when it was excellent.

As for browsers, since I've switched to Chromium, I can tell I'm (hopefully) never going back.

[Tanzanite]

For browsers, yeah forget Internet Explorer. Personally I use a browser that's similar Firefox known as Comodo IceDragon. I mainly like it since it's fast and I can use Firefox add-ons

[gyroids]

"Hahaha, we'll see!"

"That's so cold."

"You're heartless."

"You're just saying that because you can't get a date."

EXACTLY EXACTLY EXACTLY OH MY GOD THIS ^

[To Each Their Own]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

[Hollieee]

When i first told my friend that I thought I was aromantic she said 'maybe you just havent met the right person yet'. Can't stand that

[Ace of Amethysts]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

[To Each Their Own]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

It really is. How are you supposed to respond to something like that? I ended up doing what I always do. I pretended to get the joke (if it was a joke), and I laughed a little to hide my awkwardness.

[Vega91]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

It really is. How are you supposed to respond to something like that? I ended up doing what I always do. I pretended to get the joke (if it was a joke), and I laughed a little to hide my awkwardness.

I've found a stony silence and a "seriously?*" work quite well.

* or something similar. :P

That just sounds so creepy and inappropriate.

[Dodecahedron314]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

It really is. How are you supposed to respond to something like that? I ended up doing what I always do. I pretended to get the joke (if it was a joke), and I laughed a little to hide my awkwardness.

I've found a stony silence and a "seriously?*" work quite well.

* or something similar. :P

That just sounds so creepy and inappropriate.

No matter how bizarrely you react, I don't know if it will be possible to top the bizarreness and sheer disconcertion (I know neither of those are words, but whatever) of the original statement.

[indigorose]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

It really is. How are you supposed to respond to something like that? I ended up doing what I always do. I pretended to get the joke (if it was a joke), and I laughed a little to hide my awkwardness.

Did he say it in humor? To be honest I personally probably would have found it funny, if it was a close friend and it was in humor. I guess it depends how it was said. I don't mind crassness though (even around my sexuality), especially if I am on the same page with someone about humor.

[Tarfeather]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

It really is. How are you supposed to respond to something like that? I ended up doing what I always do. I pretended to get the joke (if it was a joke), and I laughed a little to hide my awkwardness.

Did he say it in humor? To be honest I personally probably would have found it funny, if it was a close friend and it was in humor. I guess it depends how it was said. I don't mind crassness though (even around my sexuality), especially if I am on the same page with someone about humor.

Yeah, it's a joke, the whole point of jokes is that they can be funny or offensive, depending on who you tell them to, IMO. If anyone could get / enjoy the joke, it wouldn't be a very good one. The mistake here seems to have been, to tell that joke to the wrong person.

[To Each Their Own]

I came out as ace to a friend yesterday. He got this really strange look on his face and then after a brief moment of silence he said, "Wow, I just want to crawl up your vagina right now and see what's going on up there!"

That`s... pretty screwed up.

It really is. How are you supposed to respond to something like that? I ended up doing what I always do. I pretended to get the joke (if it was a joke), and I laughed a little to hide my awkwardness.

Did he say it in humor? To be honest I personally probably would have found it funny, if it was a close friend and it was in humor. I guess it depends how it was said. I don't mind crassness though (even around my sexuality), especially if I am on the same page with someone about humor.

Yeah, it's a joke, the whole point of jokes is that they can be funny or offensive, depending on who you tell them to, IMO. If anyone could get / enjoy the joke, it wouldn't be a very good one. The mistake here seems to have been, to tell that joke to the wrong person.

My initial instinct is that it was a joke, but I wasn't sure. I laughed in case it was a joke. (I've become so good at guessing what expected normal reactions should be.) But I'm not gonna lie, the interaction let me feeling icky because then I had an image in my head of a miniature "him" crawling into my lady bits, complete with climbing gear and a head lamp. I was just thinking, "Ew!"

[kola21]

What gets me is when people do like, weird things for their partners??

Like my best friend stopped wearing her rings for her bf, she took out her septum piercing bc he didnt like it (and now regrets it a lot bc she really liked and wanted that piercing), deleted her instagram,

like what the fuck? ? why would you do this for someone that you percieve to be """"better"""" than you friends ??
Like if I had told her to stop wearing her rings, take her septum out, delete her insta, she wouldve ignored me because she has every right to like what she likes and participate what she participates in (also to put this in perspective we have been best friends for 14+ years, so its not like i dont have any weight in her decisions) -- but as soon as """""the one"""" shows up she becomes a slave to his opinions ?? Why?




And when they take "the ones" opinions over their friendships opinions? I just don't understand how you can drop your friends when you get into a romantic relationship.

[UncommonNonsense]

What gets me is when people do like, weird things for their partners??

Like my best friend stopped wearing her rings for her bf, she took out her septum piercing bc he didnt like it (and now regrets it a lot bc she really liked and wanted that piercing), deleted her instagram,

like what the fuck? ? why would you do this for someone that you percieve to be """"better"""" than you friends ??

Like if I had told her to stop wearing her rings, take her septum out, delete her insta, she wouldve ignored me because she has every right to like what she likes and participate what she participates in (also to put this in perspective we have been best friends for 14+ years, so its not like i dont have any weight in her decisions) -- but as soon as """""the one"""" shows up she becomes a slave to his opinions ?? Why?

And when they take "the ones" opinions over their friendships opinions? I just don't understand how you can drop your friends when you get into a romantic relationship.

^^ THIS!

Why people (and, sadly, its primarily women) allow this is beyond me. If a boyfriend ever asked me to stop doing something harmless that I liked doing, like wearing my rings, posting on/using a particular social media platform or forum, or whatever, he'd be an EX-boyfriend so fast his empty little head would spin! To me, that's a *major* red flag signifying a potentially abusive and already controlling partner and I'd be noping the fuck out of there.

That said, I do understand someone asking a long-term partner to refrain from contacting past sexual partners, going to strip clubs, having their profile on hook-up services, and using harmful or illegal substances, but all those things are known to bring negativity into relationships already. They're not harmless to a relationship. There's a big difference between asking a partner to quit using an illegal drug and asking a partner to give up their entire online social life (esp. when that online social life doesn't include sexual/dating stuff).

It used to infuriate me when my friends would allow their boyfriends to control them in this manner. When they tried to ask the boyfriends to give up contact with another girl the guy was *still* flirting with despite being in a relationship, the guys invariably went off in a tirade, refusing and yelling and calling my friends nasty names. This led to one occasion where I ended up punching one of these jerks in the gut with every ounce of strength and weight I had after he hit my friend Angie when she refused to quit high school band when he demanded it (she was hoping for a music scholarship, so band was important to her for university acceptance as well as being something she loved) but refused to stop dating another girl when she asked that of him. He ended up doubled over, wheezing, and Angie finally felt safe enough to tell him their relationship was over. Unfortunately, that kind of attitude was depressingly common among HS boys in our town, even in the early '90s.

[Hermit Advocate]

I keep getting a lot of marriage and having kids comments lately. Just because people my age got knocked up in high school and are on their second or third kid does not mean that I need to "catch up" or anything along those lines.

[Plectrophenax]

[…]

^^ THIS!

[…]

My goodness. I literally felt physical discomfort reading this, so pardon a perhaps rather heated reaction displayed in this post.

Normally, I would have no sympathy for either side. One is blatantly engaging in blackmail [abusing another person's affection] while the other is willingly complying. If hypocrisy enters the fray, the abusive and callously uncaring nature of the person in question should be blindingly obvious to everyone [including the two agents themselves], being particularly frustrating to witness for friends, especially if they are getting shafted due to the supposed victims own shift of focus.

But please. It really shouldn't be setting the bar too high by expecting people to be able to stand up for themselves. There simply are people out there who consider the supposed bliss of a relationship [with a certain person perhaps] to be of such importance that they are perfectly willing to make outrageous sacrifices to maintain it. They should be allowed to do so, even though it makes my sense of alienation skyrocket even further. I have made very few experiences like these, but two cases leap to mind. In both cases I did not interject, because it is not my place to judge another person's free decisions - and I certainly won't insult them by insinuating that their decisions are not free.

But then I hear of stuff like this:

He ended up doubled over, wheezing, and Angie finally felt safe enough to tell him their relationship was over.

Seriously?! I'm at a loss for words. This means that your friend actually was not fully herself, did not act as a free agent [or, at least, did not percieve herself as one], did not enjoy the role she put herself in and evidently had little to no interest in continuing the relationship and still could not end it herself? Presumably because of not feeling safe, no less? Is that how these relationships work? Are these people [women, I guess] afraid of their romantic interests? This is infuriating to hear. If people stand up for themselves even if it should cost them an otherwise great relationship, then more power to them. If people don't stand up for themselves, preferring to pay a possibly unreasonable price for the sake of what is hopefully an otherwise great relationship, then I suppose that's more power to them as well. But allowing oneself to be blackmailed and disliking it enough to have no immediate interest in maintaining the relationship yet not ending it without external help? I can't understand it. I sincerely hope that these are relatively rare cases, because what possible recourse to this is there aside from having to assume that some people simply lose all autonomy when in a relationship?

[UncommonNonsense]

[…]

^^ THIS!

[…]

My goodness. I literally felt physical discomfort reading this, so pardon a perhaps rather heated reaction displayed in this post.

Normally, I would have no sympathy for either side. One is blatantly engaging in blackmail [abusing another person's affection] while the other is willingly complying. If hypocrisy enters the fray, the abusive and callously uncaring nature of the person in question should be blindingly obvious to everyone [including the two agents themselves], being particularly frustrating to witness for friends, especially if they are getting shafted due to the supposed victims own shift of focus.

But please. It really shouldn't be setting the bar too high by expecting people to be able to stand up for themselves. There simply are people out there who consider the supposed bliss of a relationship [with a certain person perhaps] to be of such importance that they are perfectly willing to make outrageous sacrifices to maintain it. They should be allowed to do so, even though it makes my sense of alienation skyrocket even further. I have made very few experiences like these, but two cases leap to mind. In both cases I did not interject, because it is not my place to judge another person's free decisions - and I certainly won't insult them by insinuating that their decisions are not free.

But then I hear of stuff like this:

He ended up doubled over, wheezing, and Angie finally felt safe enough to tell him their relationship was over.

Seriously?! I'm at a loss for words. This means that your friend actually was not fully herself, did not act as a free agent [or, at least, did not percieve herself as one], did not enjoy the role she put herself in and evidently had little to no interest in continuing the relationship and still could not end it herself? Presumably because of not feeling safe, no less? Is that how these relationships work? Are these people [women, I guess] afraid of their romantic interests? This is infuriating to hear. If people stand up for themselves even if it should cost them an otherwise great relationship, then more power to them. If people don't stand up for themselves, preferring to pay a possibly unreasonable price for the sake of what is hopefully an otherwise great relationship, then I suppose that's more power to them as well. But allowing oneself to be blackmailed and disliking it enough to have no immediate interest in maintaining the relationship yet not ending it without external help? I can't understand it. I sincerely hope that these are relatively rare cases, because what possible recourse to this is there aside from having to assume that some people simply lose all autonomy when in a relationship?

[…]

^^ THIS!

[…]

My goodness. I literally felt physical discomfort reading this, so pardon a perhaps rather heated reaction displayed in this post.

Normally, I would have no sympathy for either side. One is blatantly engaging in blackmail [abusing another person's affection] while the other is willingly complying. If hypocrisy enters the fray, the abusive and callously uncaring nature of the person in question should be blindingly obvious to everyone [including the two agents themselves], being particularly frustrating to witness for friends, especially if they are getting shafted due to the supposed victims own shift of focus.

But please. It really shouldn't be setting the bar too high by expecting people to be able to stand up for themselves. There simply are people out there who consider the supposed bliss of a relationship [with a certain person perhaps] to be of such importance that they are perfectly willing to make outrageous sacrifices to maintain it. They should be allowed to do so, even though it makes my sense of alienation skyrocket even further. I have made very few experiences like these, but two cases leap to mind. In both cases I did not interject, because it is not my place to judge another person's free decisions - and I certainly won't insult them by insinuating that their decisions are not free.

But then I hear of stuff like this:

He ended up doubled over, wheezing, and Angie finally felt safe enough to tell him their relationship was over.

Seriously?! I'm at a loss for words. This means that your friend actually was not fully herself, did not act as a free agent [or, at least, did not percieve herself as one], did not enjoy the role she put herself in and evidently had little to no interest in continuing the relationship and still could not end it herself? Presumably because of not feeling safe, no less? Is that how these relationships work? Are these people [women, I guess] afraid of their romantic interests? This is infuriating to hear. If people stand up for themselves even if it should cost them an otherwise great relationship, then more power to them. If people don't stand up for themselves, preferring to pay a possibly unreasonable price for the sake of what is hopefully an otherwise great relationship, then I suppose that's more power to them as well. But allowing oneself to be blackmailed and disliking it enough to have no immediate interest in maintaining the relationship yet not ending it without external help? I can't understand it. I sincerely hope that these are relatively rare cases, because what possible recourse to this is there aside from having to assume that some people simply lose all autonomy when in a relationship?

Unfortunately, there are some people who actively seek very timid, shy partners or partners who don't believe themselves worthy of a relationship. Angie was one of those. She was very timid, very shy, very quiet. She was still dealing with the emotional fallout of her dad dying when she was 8, was dealing with depression, and had at least one suicide attempt that she was hospitalized for. She was plain-ish and didn't have the money for the trendy, popular clothing styles, and her interests were considered pretty geeky. She was an easy target for Brian. Angie was too timid to speak up for herself. A lot of my female friends were. Even though I was a pretty damn shy kid myself, and quite short and slight, I often ended up being my friends' defender and even their bodyguard.

Brian was on one of the sports teams (I forget which), was more popular, and a lot of girls considered him attractive. He was also able to talk a good game, able to say the right thing at the right time. He was very coercive, but in a way that an inexperienced, naive girl like Angie didn't realize *was* coercive. He really played up the 'romance' angle, and Angie was a very romantic kid. She loved romance novels and movies and plays, so I think she was even more vulnerable than someone who wasn't into that kind of media.

There were about five of us who were Angie's friends then, and we all noticed things about Brian that made us uncomfortable. We each saw him ignore Angie's wishes and make plans for them both without consulting her, then having a tantrum when she had other plans. He'd scream and hell and punch lockers and stomp around until she agreed to cancel her own plans and go with him to where he wanted to go instead. This happened with family events, band stuff, a friend's birthday party... she had to give up those things to go over to his house to watch a televised sport that she didn't even like with him.. not even a real date. Just watching baseball or hockey in his basement.

We also heard him insult her, call her names, police her eating habits, and force her into PDAs with him. I saw him force her backwards into the lockers and french kiss her a couple of times, and he ignored her when she tried to push him away or said no (It was during one of these that I punched him. She'd tried to push him off her and he slapped her across the face. So I slugged him). Over the weeks they were dating, we often talked about how the way Brian was treating Angie and how furious it made us. We tried to talk to her about it, but she wouldn't talk about it with us. All of these things happened in front of other people. I can only imagine how much worse it was when they were alone.

Angie was only 16 at this point... a lot of teens, especially girls, find it hard to know when a relationship isn't good for them and when a relationship has crossed a line into abuse. A lot of teen girls also find it very difficult to confront an abuser. Also, teen girls are heavily socialized to hang onto a boyfriend at all costs, even when he's wrong for them. Girls are also taught to put others' wants and needs before their own. A lot of girls also go into relationships with people they know are deeply flawed or damaged with the hope that they can 'fix' or 'heal' that person with their love. This is so common that it has not one but two names - 'Florence Nightingale Syndrome' and 'Nursemaid Syndrome', and women of any age fall for it and find it really hard to get free of.

While I too have sometimes gotten upset when someone I know is living in an abusive relationship ends up returning over and over again, I know that the leaving and returning multiple times is a pretty standard pattern for victims of domestic/relationship abuse, often because they're so beaten down, emotionally as well as physically, that they don't think they can survive without the person who is abusing them. The abusers often tell their victims over and over again things like 'You won't survive without me', 'You'll end up living on the streets without me', 'No one but me is ever going to want you', 'You're too old/fat/ugly/useless to find anyone else', 'No one will ever hire you', and similar things, all designed to make their victim too afraid to leave and cut ties. It's hugely complicated.

Sadly, situations like the one Angie ended up in are common. I did some volunteer work for the local domestic abuse shelter when I was still in high school and I saw it again and again. At least Angie got away from him. So many don't.

[Plectrophenax]

[…]

Thanks for the elaboration. I appreciate it. If nothing else, this just illustrates to me the negative effects that an indulgence with the 'romantic' can have. I am/was the same [there is a reason why my profile says 'pseudoromantic' and not 'aromantic']. It is a glorification that can leave you open for extreme disappointment and - evidently - even abuse.

I respect that you are probably trying to contextualise your friends behaviour so that her actions become understandable [and perhaps to weaken the annoyance/frustration/lack of sympathy I may have communicated], but even given what you say I don't understand it. Playing up the 'romance' angle, being smooth with words, self-confident and very likely deliberately preying on her is one thing, simply showing how manipulative people can be. Unfortunately, that won't go away. But having a tantrum, screaming in anger, punching lockers, openly and callously ignoring her wishes? How is this compatible with her notion of 'romance', how is it compatible with him not being coercive, and childishly so? Did this stuff happen when she was already comitted? Is this where her feeling of not being 'safe' comes in? Or are you implying that ironing out these evident faults was part of her romantic attraction to him? In the latter case it seems to me all the stranger that she then suddenly felt like enough was enough. At any rate, you certainly can't tell me that she didn't notice the relationship was abusive and not good for her, since she seemingly waited for a window of escape [which you, thank goodness, provided]. People not seeing abuse for what it is is something that exists, I'm aware, but surely it's not something that "a lot of teens" have? It's far more likely that they suck it up for the sake of making a set of experiences, or to remain a public image or a personal sense of validity, etc.

I really shouldn't go on about the specifics of a case I'm not really qualified to comment on like this, so just take these as the frustrations of someone who sees an awful circumstance that seems to be so very easily avoidable.

But one more thing. It's off topic, so feel free to ignore it if you'd like.

Also, teen girls are heavily socialized to hang onto a boyfriend at all costs, even when he's wrong for them. Girls are also taught to put others' wants and needs before their own.

By whom? Parents? Friends? I doubt it. Society? Please. If you are prepared to use the expression "heavily socialised" I'd be very interested in the details that make you say this. If girls like the 'bad boy' or have a liking for 'fixing' them, that may well be so. But if you are claiming that tendencies like these have a social origin, I would really appreciate a substantiation of that claim. I am against such a frankly counterproductive 'teaching' but, from where I stand, I have not and do not see it

As for putting other's wants and needs before one's own, that's actually something I've been 'taught' as well. Not to do so indiscriminately, mind you, but a sense of basic consideration of others in cases where one is okay with stepping back. People might consider such a parental lesson to be misguided, but I do not. However, if you are saying that people [parents? friends? society?] teach indiscriminate submission of their needs and wants [provided it's a girl, naturally; the boys, of course, should assert themselves], then that's obviously extremely backwards and certainly not something that is endorsed by anyone but the most traditionalistic households. Yet, you say 'girls' as if it's something generally applicable. Is it really? Please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to enlighten me. You speak with such conviction that I'm sure these claims aren't baseless. Indeed, I'm so opposed to this apparent normal practice that I can't stand the idea that it merrily happens to the extent you imply while I am utterly oblivious about it - I'm completely sincere in wanting to understand where you're coming from.

[El-not-so-ace]

I'm a hopeless romantic, but being an only child, I've luckily been treated well enough my entire life to know what I'm worth. I wasn't interested in dating in highschool since guys seemed so immature. The sweet mature ones, well I wasnt attracted to them either. I think that if you catch abusive or controlling behavior earlier, it should be easier to stop it. Being a roantic never seemed to mean "give up the brunt of who I am for some other person" to me...

[Randomchaos]

"You just have to hang out in the right places. You'll find someone." (My mom, in her defense she doesn't know I'm ace, grey-aro...)

"You're going to be worse then us, when you find the right guy."

"You'll find someone at college." ( Yeah coz that's what college is all about, picking up guys/girls.....")

"You're going to be lonely."

[UncommonNonsense]

[…]

Thanks for the elaboration. I appreciate it. If nothing else, this just illustrates to me the negative effects that an indulgence with the 'romantic' can have. I am/was the same [there is a reason why my profile says 'pseudoromantic' and not 'aromantic']. It is a glorification that can leave you open for extreme disappointment and - evidently - even abuse.

I respect that you are probably trying to contextualise your friends behaviour so that her actions become understandable [and perhaps to weaken the annoyance/frustration/lack of sympathy I may have communicated], but even given what you say I don't understand it. Playing up the 'romance' angle, being smooth with words, self-confident and very likely deliberately preying on her is one thing, simply showing how manipulative people can be. Unfortunately, that won't go away. But having a tantrum, screaming in anger, punching lockers, openly and callously ignoring her wishes? How is this compatible with her notion of 'romance', how is it compatible with him not being coercive, and childishly so? Did this stuff happen when she was already comitted? Is this where her feeling of not being 'safe' comes in? Or are you implying that ironing out these evident faults was part of her romantic attraction to him? In the latter case it seems to me all the stranger that she then suddenly felt like enough was enough. At any rate, you certainly can't tell me that she didn't notice the relationship was abusive and not good for her, since she seemingly waited for a window of escape [which you, thank goodness, provided]. People not seeing abuse for what it is is something that exists, I'm aware, but surely it's not something that "a lot of teens" have? It's far more likely that they suck it up for the sake of making a set of experiences, or to remain a public image or a personal sense of validity, etc.

I really shouldn't go on about the specifics of a case I'm not really qualified to comment on like this, so just take these as the frustrations of someone who sees an awful circumstance that seems to be so very easily avoidable.

But one more thing. It's off topic, so feel free to ignore it if you'd like.

Also, teen girls are heavily socialized to hang onto a boyfriend at all costs, even when he's wrong for them. Girls are also taught to put others' wants and needs before their own.

By whom? Parents? Friends? I doubt it. Society? Please. If you are prepared to use the expression "heavily socialised" I'd be very interested in the details that make you say this. If girls like the 'bad boy' or have a liking for 'fixing' them, that may well be so. But if you are claiming that tendencies like these have a social origin, I would really appreciate a substantiation of that claim. I am against such a frankly counterproductive 'teaching' but, from where I stand, I have not and do not see it

As for putting other's wants and needs before one's own, that's actually something I've been 'taught' as well. Not to do so indiscriminately, mind you, but a sense of basic consideration of others in cases where one is okay with stepping back. People might consider such a parental lesson to be misguided, but I do not. However, if you are saying that people [parents? friends? society?] teach indiscriminate submission of their needs and wants [provided it's a girl, naturally; the boys, of course, should assert themselves], then that's obviously extremely backwards and certainly not something that is endorsed by anyone but the most traditionalistic households. Yet, you say 'girls' as if it's something generally applicable. Is it really? Please feel free to send me a PM if you'd like to enlighten me. You speak with such conviction that I'm sure these claims aren't baseless. Indeed, I'm so opposed to this apparent normal practice that I can't stand the idea that it merrily happens to the extent you imply while I am utterly oblivious about it - I'm completely sincere in wanting to understand where you're coming from.

Brian didn't start to show the crazy part of his character until they'd been dating for months, and at first he hid it so well that when Angie tried to tell other people, they didn't believe her. He was very good at projecting a very charming image. It was at least another six weeks before her friends started to see the awful things, and at least two months before her mother saw it. By the time it got really bad, Angie had been emotionally battered not only by Brian's abuse but also because those she trusted had failed to believe her when it was just starting. By the time he became obvious to all of us, Angie had been coping for about 2 months with Brian's unpredictability and craziness, threats, coercion, physical attacks, screaming tantrums, and forced sexual acts. By the time he began to really show how horrible he was, he had Angie so scared that she felt unable to leave him. She really did need the support of me and the rest of our friends to get away from him.

This was also the early 90's, in a small town in a largely rural area. Domestic violence was still a huge taboo, rarely spoken of, and there was still a pervasive attitude among a lot of people that a battered woman did something to 'deserve' being abused. Most adult women who were being abused struggled under this ignorance and sexism... so expecting a naive 16 year old girl to have all the answers is kind of unfair. It really was a very different time, and attitudes were so different compared to what they are today. Hell, most of the girls in my class were expected to marry as soon as they graduated HS. If they were lucky enough to have parents that supported their going on to college or university (and that was not a given. About 1/3 of the girls in my graduating class were not allowed to go on to university even if they had the grades to get in and even get scholarships, and even if they had saved enough for tuition from after-school jobs. This happened to two of my own friends, Rhonda and Pam) then marriage could be pushed back a few years, but it was still expected. I've also spoken about how my gay best friend, Mike, was attacked nearly every week, just because he was a gay boy. He wasn't even out at that point. He just had a few mannerisms and likes that were considered effete by the other guys and that was enough to deserve their hate. Times sure have changed, for the better.

As to your last comment,I don't have the time to really get into it... to really parse through it would take hours...

[Hermit Advocate]

After having a brief conversation with a classmate while walking out of class "hey, do you have another class? If not we could go get coffee." I hate it when people, mainly hetero guys assume that just because I'm talking to them that means that I am looking for a potential bf. And yes I realize that this is not always the case but it has happened enough times for me that I've become a bit cynical.

[Vega91]

After having a brief conversation with a classmate while walking out of class "hey, do you have another class? If not we could go get coffee." I hate it when people, mainly hetero guys assume that just because I'm talking to them that means that I am looking for a potential bf. And yes I realize that this is not always the case but it has happened enough times for me that I've become a bit cynical.

And in a related event, when the relationship between you (a female/female-presenting) and a hetero boy is not romantic, everyone still assumes it is!

I used to eat lunch with my male friend because we had the same classes at uni so of course we are together and then everyone thought we were dating. It's so ridiculous.

[Homer]

After having a brief conversation with a classmate while walking out of class "hey, do you have another class? If not we could go get coffee." I hate it when people, mainly hetero guys assume that just because I'm talking to them that means that I am looking for a potential bf. And yes I realize that this is not always the case but it has happened enough times for me that I've become a bit cynical.

Erm. I hate hate hate it when a simple question like "Wanna go grab a hot beverage of your choice?" is seen as someone fishing for a SO right away. Maybe I just wanna go have coffee with someone I happen to like with no further intentions? It is possible, I am the living proof.

It's exactly occasions like this that make it literally impossible to JUST GO GET A F-ING COFFEE WITH SOMEONE. As soon as I want to ask someone, I'm in defense. Asking a simple question is by no means "hitting on someone" or whatever. Screw it.

[Telecaster68]

To be fair, that's not an asexual thing. Sexuals do platonic coffee and casual conversation too, and get misinterpreted.