Asexual Men Musings

[will123]

It saddens me when men are all tarred with the same brush. *What did I ever do?*

[0svvan0]

On 4/27/2023 at 7:32 AM, Teddy Bear said:

It's disappointing because there are sometimes things I want to discuss in a male-only environment but it seems like society doesn't like men to have their own safe places anymore. No wonder men tend not to talk enough about their mental health...

I relate to this, because often if you're in a group with women eventually one will try to minimize your experience/tell you it's your fault, because frankly, they do have it worse in a lot of ways.

[daveb]

4 hours ago, 0svvan0 said:

because often if you're in a group with women eventually one will try to minimize your experience/tell you it's your fault

I can't say that's ever been my experience. Not that I get out much.  

[will123]

2 minutes ago, daveb said:

I can't say that's ever been my experience.  

I'd have to agree with that. Mind you if I am in a social situation with women they would be wives of friends of mine and I've known them for years.

 

I can't think of a situation where I was 'outnumbered'. Now I was in a setting (long enough for one beer) where I was surrounded by folks that travelled in Toronto's social world...

[daveb]

That's not to say others haven't experienced such dynamics.

[will123]

21 hours ago, daveb said:

That's not to say others haven't experienced such dynamics.

For sure. 

 

A co-worker once told me not to believe that women don't talk about sex like men do. Apparently his wife and her co-worker talking about it even though he was in the next room.

 

Spoiler

The other woman decided it was a good time to share the fact that she and her boyfriend had anal sex on the weekend.

 

'I really needed to hear that when I was painting...'

Edited May 1, 2023 by will123
Changed wasn't to was

[Zash]

On 4/30/2023 at 7:35 AM, 0svvan0 said:

I used to always hear about guys being told they are "too nice".

I never had that.

Women tell men they are 'too nice' when the men are the type of man that does not take rejection well (see the 'nice guy' stereotype).

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 4/27/2023 at 12:42 PM, Teddy Bear said:

Things have swung the other way that men are actually oppressed in some situations. Particularly white cis men. Consider domestic violence against men, for example, and how they're laughed at and not taken seriously. Plus, other things like legal rights in child custody cases. Things aren't as equal as one might think...

 

I joined a mental health forum and quickly found that men are silenced for talking about how they feel. We're told to talk about how we feel but society very much tries to silence us. No wonder so many men choose suicide. There don't seem to be places for us to go and talk with other men in safety. Women are allowed to have women only spaces but we're not for some reason...

 

Personally, I wouldn't talk about the things on my mind on this forum. I've seen what it's like here and it's not good. It's positive you've felt confident to share things here though.

You dont need to even be white cis. Just the fact that you are a man will be enough for you to be discriminated againts for pretty much anything, while in the same sentence preaching about equality and oppression.

 

The "tell us about your feelings" is the one of the biggest bitch slaps you will get because the second you do, all of the sudden, the "this is a safe space" turns into "youre such a pussy. Real men (Insert every known stereotype, including/especially the ones that are the champion banner behind the "fighting againts oppression" movements)

 

[aafire]

lmao maybe its just The Baader–Meinhof phenomenon for yall.

I'm a white CIS male and I've never experienced any sort of discrimination like yall seem to feel everywhere. if anything I have it far easier because of my background.

 

When is the last time you've legitimately been discriminated against for being a man? I'm very curious to hear the story.

 

and honestly if you feel like you can't go to therapy to deal w/ mental health issues because your therapist is a woman... recognize they are a professional meant to help you, and they probably deal with other male clients feeling the same way. you can certainly find a male therapist, but do you think they, also a professional with likely the same qualifications, would tell you anything different?

 

and anyone who judges you for sharing your feelings openly and having emotions isn't someone worth spending time worrying about. Real men have emotions, and care about people other then themselves, period.

[Lord Jade Cross]

16 hours ago, aafire said:

lmao maybe its just The Baader–Meinhof phenomenon for yall.

I'm a white CIS male and I've never experienced any sort of discrimination like yall seem to feel everywhere. if anything I have it far easier because of my background.

 

When is the last time you've legitimately been discriminated against for being a man? I'm very curious to hear the story.

 

and honestly if you feel like you can't go to therapy to deal w/ mental health issues because your therapist is a woman... recognize they are a professional meant to help you, and they probably deal with other male clients feeling the same way. you can certainly find a male therapist, but do you think they, also a professional with likely the same qualifications, would tell you anything different?

Been to several therapists, both men and women and they were both equally useless in helping me, often times resorting to things like "just be positive" nonesense, religious indoctrination techniques such as saying that if I placed my trust in god, all my problems would go away and of course the go to "solution", trying to prescribe pills, ones that they didnt properly discuss.

 

Also the "men dont cry" theme is still pretty present nowadays as well as the "men dont know how to do anything right"

with the most recent "comparison" I heard being that "thats why God knew what he was doing and didnt give men the ability to give birth" this coming from 2 female coworkers, including the manager immediately following the news that there was an international mens day.

 

But somehow comments like that arent labeled as sexist. In my job before that, I was the only one assigned to bring out and mount the store shelves because "thats a mans job" Again, noone seems to think thats sexist despite the fact that putting shelves on is a pretty simple task anyone can do and its not like a they weight 200lb or something like that, it also added more work for me who was already tasked with the heavy lifting at the store

 

Same thing with unloading trucks. We were 3 guys (later on just me) and 6 girls. None of the girls ever unloaded a truck, unless I was off that day, which was rare as I was almost always scheduled for the delivery days or called in at the last minute, as that was "the boys job"

 

2 news segments, no older than a year ago. One of them promoted an engineering class, specifically aimed at younger (highschool) girls with the spokesperson saying that she was so excited that the project took off because "women have been oppresed and denied entry to engineering fields by men" and here I ask, what college did she go to? Because my engineering classes had women, my physics proffesor was a woman, my engineering class proffesor was a woman, my avionics proffesor was a woman (and one of the best proffesors I had) Who are the "oppresed" women who are being "denied entry to engineering fields" by men"?

 

Second news segment was a case about a murder. A couple had an argument and the woman ended stabbing her boyfriend/husband and him dying on the way to the hospital. My mother and grandmother who were in the room with me,  unimanously scoffed and said "Men, always aggresive abusers, she was just defending herself" 10 seconds more into the segment and it was revealed that the reason the woman stabbed her partner was because their 6 year old daughter had heard them fighting and came in the room. Guy had, had enough and he was going to take his daughter (who was from a previous marriage) and leave. Thats when he got stabbed by his partner who had a previous criminal record, including charges of child abuse. But of course its us men that are "always abusive and agresive"

 

Lets talk about unwanted physical contant. Over the years, Ive had a few women, during work hours no less, grab me behind or get handsy and when coworkers saw, it would be the equivalent of a highschool "oooooooohhhhh" But noone ever seemed to question wherether I liked it or if I was uncomfortable about it. And IF you said anything, the "what are you gay? or similar type of comments were at the ready.

 

Now if I went around grabbings womens asses or feeling them up, I would be thrown in jail and the story plastered across social media in all but 2 hours. So how is it that when men do things like this, its sexual harrasment, but when women do it, its called "its just a prank bro" or as Ive heard a few times "youre should consider yourself lucky that a woman is paying attention to you"?  Like, get off the high horse ladies. If we live in a society that promotes equality, this should be both ways, not a variation of "rules for thee, but not for me"

 

Situations like this happen, maybe more often than some may believe, but its not given the attention it should, similar to how we know that suicide happens alot more in men, but when was the last time there was an concious effort to help better mens health or overall life circumstances?

 

Quote

 

and anyone who judges you for sharing your feelings openly and having emotions isn't someone worth spending time worrying about. Real men have emotions, and care about people other then themselves, period.

Agreed. Sadly, it is not quite accepted as such in many places

[will123]

1 hour ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

 

 

2 news segments, no older than a year ago. One of them promoted an engineering class, specifically aimed at younger (highschool) girls with the spokesperson saying that she was so excited that the project took off because "women have been oppresed and denied entry to engineering fields by men"

I'm just glad the nephew is almost finished his apprenticeship. It seems today that in my province, all the 'promotion' and funding assistance for skilled trades apprenticeships is aimed at demographics other than him. I hope people that are getting into thre trades are doing it because they want to not because the check off the right boxes. 

 

We had about half a dozen trades women during my time. One quit during the apprenticeship because she had a bad attitude and rubbed everyone the wrong way and refused to train her. I was 'exposed' to her (different trades) but witnessed her 'inaction'... The rest did their jobs and minded their business.

 

My brother dealt firsthand with one on the opposite shift. When he realized she was doing next to nothing (the jobs/projects were carried on shift to shift) he would document at what point he started each day and do one more operation than her. Management was in his face for slowing down the job (they knew he was capable of more work). He told him to look at the shift reports and why not confront the person on the other shift? They weren't long in getting her off the CNC mill (and his productivity came back). He said it wasn't difficult work compared to what they normally did on the machine, so he had no idea what her problem was.

[daveb]

12 hours ago, aafire said:

yall

Not yall. Not me.  

[spaghetti_and_meatballs]

I remember a couple years ago I was working on a construction site in a somewhat rural area. Most of the workers were living in a camp nearby and I was staying in a condo that was rented. I remember being asked once "if I had gotten any skin recently". Not knowing what that meant, they asked if I had gotten laid recently instead. They then said they wouldn't judge me if it were a man or woman. I guess some construction guys ask point blank about my sex life.

 

Another time on the same site around the same time, another worker asked the same thing. When I answered no, he told me that the girl at the gas station/convenience store in town was "always down". I thanked him and went on my way.

 

Last year (at a different site) I was asked if I had talked to the girl that worked in town... when I told them I wasn't here to meet women, they asked me if I had met any men instead 🙄

 

I didn't bother to mention I was asexual in any case. 

[Guest]

10 minutes ago, spaghetti_and_meatballs said:

I didn't bother to mention I was asexual in any case. 

I think it’s wise to tell no one. It’s really no one’s business and would only open you up to further questions and maybe even hostility.

 

Any work environment seems to have nosy people asking about sex life. I’ve had the same in retail when young and then graphic design office environments. It’s not just the “lad” types that are nosy either. I don’t know why people think about it so much. I remember comments much more around the age of 20 with one woman saying I was too nice to end up unmarried. People always assume too much about others. 🙄

 

One colleague wanted to make it his mission to get me laid. Sex is just such a big deal for most people. I’m glad I’m still a virgin that’s never been in a relationship. I feel lucky I avoided lots of awful things.

 

I consider myself old now approaching 40 so hopefully people will just write me off as someone that’s beyond hope. 😄

[will123]

And I thought working 28 years in the factory world was tough. 

[will123]

20 minutes ago, Teddy Bear said:

I think it’s wise to tell no one. It’s really no one’s business and would only open you up to further questions and maybe even hostility.

 

Any work environment seems to have nosy people asking about sex life. I’ve had the same in retail when young and then graphic design office environments. It’s not just the “lad” types that are nosy either. I don’t know why people think about it so much. I remember comments much more around the age of 20 with one woman saying I was too nice to end up unmarried. People always assume too much about others. 🙄

 

One colleague wanted to make it his mission to get me laid. Sex is just such a big deal for most people. I’m glad I’m still a virgin that’s never been in a relationship. I feel lucky I avoided lots of awful things.

 

I consider myself old now approaching 40 so hopefully people will just write me off as someone that’s beyond hope. 😄

X2

[daveb]

Maybe there is something about me that says "keep out" or something, but in all my years I rarely got asked about my dating or relationships or sexual activity or anything like that. I was also never asked to join in any after work "male activities", such as going out to drink or the strip clubs or bachelor parties. Even at college, I would hear about stuff others had gotten up to/into, but never experienced any of it myself. Not that I ever wanted to. I just don't know exactly why people leave me out of such things. I might give off a vibe of being too straight-laced or too private or something. I did sometimes get invited to other things that were not about partying or sex or dating (such as field trips to things related to my major/studies or cultural events or academic events or to hikes or botanic gardens or the rare birthday party or wedding).

[aafire]

On 5/8/2023 at 8:32 PM, daveb said:

Maybe there is something about me that says "keep out" or something, but in all my years I rarely got asked about my dating or relationships or sexual activity or anything like that. I was also never asked to join in any after work "male activities", such as going out to drink or the strip clubs or bachelor parties. Even at college, I would hear about stuff others had gotten up to/into, but never experienced any of it myself. Not that I ever wanted to. I just don't know exactly why people leave me out of such things. I might give off a vibe of being too straight-laced or too private or something. I did sometimes get invited to other things that were not about partying or sex or dating (such as field trips to things related to my major/studies or cultural events or academic events or to hikes or botanic gardens or the rare birthday party or wedding).

that makes me sad, I love putting together after work activities with coworkers and trying to include anyone from work. and usually we just keep it tame like trivia night at a nearby brewery or w/e. I can't tell why some folks get excluded but sometimes the culture of the place just doesn't encourage that sort of employee rapport building.

the last place I worked didn't do that at all until I started a night and invited folks. and even then it was mostly just hang and complain about work lmao, never any real sex talk or dating stuff.

 

anyway, i'd invite ya out for hanging with the work friends to make up for it

[daveb]

It's okay. I didn't want to do the kinds of things they did anyway.

 

(I did miss out on an activity that started up some time after I left, but which I would have enjoyed - some of them started getting together to play board games; I never knew any of them were interested in that, but maybe they weren't at the time)

[AnimalChin]

It seems that age isn’t really bringing any of its supposed wisdom with it. I seem to only be receiving the side effects of age consisting of the graying hair follicles, hair growing out of places it used not to, wrinkles and fun stuff like that. Hmmm, just an observation.

[Lilibulero]

On 4/30/2023 at 5:22 PM, will123 said:

It saddens me when men are all tarred with the same brush. *What did I ever do?*

Quite. 

But if people are bombarded every day by lists of women killed overnight by jealous exes, it's time for the good guys to stand up and be counted.

[JimmyJazz]

27 minutes ago, Lilibulero said:

Quite. 

But if people are bombarded every day by lists of women killed overnight by jealous exes, it's time for the good guys to stand up and be counted.

When we say "good guys should stand up and be counted", what do we mean? 

 

I mean, a woman killed by her jealous ex is a relationship that has nothing to do with anybody that doesn't know either of the people involved in that particular situation. Am I supposed to take responsibility for the actions of people I don't even know, have never met, and have never communicated with on the basis that both of us have a penis?

 

Am I, a random dude, supposed to be ready to fight any man who is mistreating any women in any situation, ever, despite having zero fight or martial arts experience? Despite having zero context as to what is happening between those two?

 

It just makes no sense to me, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me.

[Lilibulero]

2 hours ago, JimmyJazz said:

Am I supposed to take responsibility for the actions of people I don't even know, have never met, and have never communicated with on the basis that both of us have a penis?

Not at all. All you have to do is spread the word that it's not cool to be that guy, whether it's to friends, colleagues. The more the conversation gets out there, the better for abused men and women.

[Astraios]

Spoiler

Beyonce is in town. I have never seen so much flesh restrained behind so little fabric in my life. There are young Women there who looked like they lived under a squat rack. I felt I was in danger of being trampled under the feet of marauding 21 year old Amazon's. Incredible sights actually. They were obviously intelligent people who knew what they wanted from life, brassy is a word that comes to mind. In some ways I felt a little frail. Almost not there, not noticed and certainly not needed. Some thoughts I caught which were out of the ordinary ran like "you can't speak to me if you have <$150 M" don't usually sense those in the City Centre. Also a strange clarity. Not one that comes from an understanding of internal dynamic processes or even a stilling of thoughts. Straight cut off. Like money and tech. I thought probably teams of personal coders and a paid for personal world. Cruel but money walks etc..For an Asexual Man like myself it was both educational and terrifying. Needless to say I got out as fast as possible. 

 

[will123]

4 hours ago, JimmyJazz said:

When we say "good guys should stand up and be counted", what do we mean? 

 

I mean, a woman killed by her jealous ex is a relationship that has nothing to do with anybody that doesn't know either of the people involved in that particular situation. Am I supposed to take responsibility for the actions of people I don't even know, have never met, and have never communicated with on the basis that both of us have a penis?

 

Am I, a random dude, supposed to be ready to fight any man who is mistreating any women in any situation, ever, despite having zero fight or martial arts experience? Despite having zero context as to what is happening between those two?

 

It just makes no sense to me, the whole thing seems ridiculous to me.

I have to agree with you on this. Yes no male should act like that, but I don't think a singular male can do much.

 

On intervening in a dispute, the way things have gone in the Toronto area, I think the 'good samaritan' idea is gone. The number of random stabbings of victims from alll walks of life/segments of society has made people very wary of interacting with others.

 

 

[Lilibulero]

20 minutes ago, will123 said:

On intervening in a dispute, the way things have gone in the Toronto area, I think the 'good samaritan' idea is gone. The number of random stabbings of victims from alll walks of life/segments of society has made people very wary of interacting with

Absolutely. Nobody needs to put themselves at risk, just raise awareness when the opportunities arise.

[smellincoffee]

On 5/17/2023 at 2:43 AM, AnimalChin said:

It seems that age isn’t really bringing any of its supposed wisdom with it. I seem to only be receiving the side effects of age consisting of the graying hair follicles, hair growing out of places it used not to, wrinkles and fun stuff like that. Hmmm, just an observation.

The wisdom of experience has to follow reflection --  which is largely a lost art these days.  We're consumed by the everlasting present, by its noise and distraction!

[will123]

Reflection is what our PM says we must do when he gets caught doing something controversial...

[AnimalChin]

13 hours ago, smellincoffee said:

The wisdom of experience has to follow reflection --  which is largely a lost art these days.  We're consumed by the everlasting present, by its noise and distraction!

I suppose my reflection is translucent. A bright light that dims with time. May i be granted the good vision to see even though the mirror only shows a dull shadow. Peace ✌️ 

[will123]

Well I heard a radio ad for an event and the A didn't 'explicitly' mean ally.

 

"The gathering is for members of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community and their allies". Once in a blue moon I'll hear of the 'alphabet', oops I mean acronym include A, but I haven't heard it said what the A meant. As others have posted on AVEN over the years since I joined, A is either asexual or ally but I've never heard/read that explanation in media.