Asexual Men Musings

[omar.405]

10 hours ago, will123 said:

It's difficult to say the least. A friend hates it when I referred to us meeting as a date. This was before I came out to her. After I did I asked her about her hesitancy/aversion to the word, 'Was it because there is a kind of assumption something may result?' 'Kind of' was her response. After I did tell her I said that she didn't have to worry about me 'expecting' something in return...

I think that's exactly what shies me away too, that fear of something much more challenging resulting from something initially very innocent. Glad I'm not the only one that feels that way kinda!

[will123]

2 hours ago, omar.405 said:

I think that's exactly what shies me away too, that fear of something much more challenging resulting from something initially very innocent. Glad I'm not the only one that feels that way kinda!

Back in the 80s I shared a bed twice with girls on weekend trips. The first time the girl was asked as a friend to go. The second time (with a different girl) was due to the logistics of the group as we were both unattached.

 

I'm glad I've never had to do that since as I never got any sleep. And not because of what you might think. I was deathly afraid of touching the other person and them wondering what my intentions were. I had never been intimate with a girl and am still a virgin to this day.

[hewhomainsness]

On 9/17/2022 at 9:58 AM, will123 said:

I was deathly afraid of touching the other person and them wondering what my intentions were.

oh i hate that

i can't even look at a woman myself because i'm so afraid of that being misinterpreted

[aafire]

hmm

dating is, and always has been weird.

I've always felt like most people just have a 6th sense about what the other person wants and they sort of communicate on a sexual level that just flies over my head lmao.

 

I've found that being super blunt and straightforward works, if you are familiar with them and have spent some time together. Its still hard to tell and takes some guts.

I literally asked this girl  "do you want to make out?" because I had no idea! and she was like um yes. and apparently thought it was super cute that I asked.

I was relieved, it took all that ambiguity out of the situation ya know, it made it so much easier to engage. 

 

 

[J. van Deijck]

1 hour ago, aafire said:

dating is, and always has been weird.

This, and also difficult for me on a personal level, so I don't even do it.

[TormentDubz]

On 10/3/2022 at 10:17 PM, aafire said:

dating is, and always has been weird.

Yeah

[GetsOffOnCoffeeBeans]

Hey All, I’m Steve, I’m new here and will join after this. I appreciate and relate to what many of you are saying, and honestly have no one I can talk to about this who’d understand, so I hope I can get your second opinions. Am I asexual? I believe I am….

 

I find girls attractive and definitely am romantically attracted to them. I experience horny periods and enjoy porn to relieve the tension so to speak, but it’s not about the physical contact that works for me, it’s hearing the women are pleased etc… I’ve had 2 sexual experiences myself and the physical intimacy was horribly uncomfortable for me and both partners left very dissatisfied. I hate the physical contact. 
 

Does this make sense to anyone else, do you think this makes me asexual?

[Guest]

1 hour ago, GetsOffOnCoffeeBeans said:

I’ve had 2 sexual experiences myself and the physical intimacy was horribly uncomfortable for me and both partners left very dissatisfied. I hate the physical contact. 
 

Does this make sense to anyone else, do you think this makes me asexual?

Not ace here, so not the person to validate/invalidate that. 
 

However, what I will add is that the first times you’re doing anything physical will always feel uncomfortable, and awkward.
 

Regarding the satisfaction of it, if you’ve never cooked a meal in your life, used a stove, and know little to nothing about spices, would you expect to be able to whip up a gourmet meal? What if you’re cooking for someone else before you’ve had a chance to ask what they like? You may be great at making spicy food, but if you make it for someone who hates spicy food, they’re not going to be satisfied. 
 

Sex isn’t that different. At least with cooking you can have a cookbook open the whole time. 
 

Especially for dudes, the first times are darn near impossible to be satisfying to either party involved. I’d caution drawing any conclusions on your sexual identity based on how well you performed the act.

 

Did you feel desire to do it? If you did, but have less desire to try again, is that because you lack interest or is it related to nerve from the first couple of times being less than satisfying? 

[0svvan0]

Did realizing you were ace make you look back on every crush you ever had or relationship you ever pursued and think "what was that about?"

 

My realization of my asexuality came after a joke of an internet relationship that made me reevaluate what I even want from a relationship in the first place. It has thrown a lot of what I thought out of whack.

[Chef Remy]

Not sure if this is the right place but girl who is a friend mother passed away earlier this year. Her father who is in seventies, a widower. Is now dating and hanging out with younger women in their thirties. About the same age as my girl who is friend, the guys daughter! Which it me just seems like a "dirty old man".

Talking some guys friend they don't see anything wrong with it. And like good for him. To me it just seems creepy.

Is that because I am asexual that a seventy year old man is hanging with younger women, is odd to me?

[will123]

49 minutes ago, Chef Remy said:

Not sure if this is the right place but girl who is a friend mother passed away earlier this year. Her father who is in seventies, a widower. Is now dating and hanging out with younger women in their thirties. About the same age as my girl who is friend, the guys daughter! Which it me just seems like a "dirty old man".

Talking some guys friend they don't see anything wrong with it. And like good for him. To me it just seems creepy.

Is that because I am asexual that a seventy year old man is hanging with younger women, is odd to me?

There are varying reactions from the general public concerning May to December relationships regardless of the genders involved. I'm pretty sure you being asexual doesn't really enter into this.

[daveb]

Individuals can vary, so I wouldn't make blanket statements about May-December relationships. In some cases it may be great for both parties. In others it may be someone trying to recapture lost youth or not realizing they are older or who knows what. Mostly I operate on the assumption that as long as they are adults and there is no dynamics such as boss/employee going on it's up to them to decide what works for them. I've know some couples with a couple of decades or more difference in ages who had great relationships. And some the same age as each other who didn't.  

[Sally]

4 hours ago, Chef Remy said:

Not sure if this is the right place but girl who is a friend mother passed away earlier this year. Her father who is in seventies, a widower. Is now dating and hanging out with younger women in their thirties. About the same age as my girl who is friend, the guys daughter! Which it me just seems like a "dirty old man".

Talking some guys friend they don't see anything wrong with it. And like good for him. To me it just seems creepy.

Is that because I am asexual that a seventy year old man is hanging with younger women, is odd to me?

I am asexual and I don't think it's creepy.  I think it's up to the two people involved.  The President of France, Emmanuel Macron, is about 25 years younger than his wife, and they've been married for many years.  No one thinks his wife is a "dirty old woman."  

[Alphaprocess]

On 3/15/2022 at 3:16 AM, txviking said:

This is reflective of the black-and-white world view that seems so prevalent. "Normal" in terms of sexuality is being heterosexual. The only alternative people seem to understand is "gay", so anyone who is not "normal" (ie. straight) is automatically classified as gay.

A disappointing number of people seem to make no allowance for the possibility that we are neither.

I get a certain amount of it in some parts of my life, one in particular where I think people there think I'm gay - one member of that group (who has since left) has made comments to me that can only be seen as homophobic. It sounds harder to say "I'm just not interested and why do you care anyway?"

[will123]

On 3/14/2022 at 11:16 PM, txviking said:

This is reflective of the black-and-white world view that seems so prevalent. "Normal" in terms of sexuality is being heterosexual. The only alternative people seem to understand is "gay", so anyone who is not "normal" (ie. straight) is automatically classified as gay.

A disappointing number of people seem to make no allowance for the possibility that we are neither.

I turned 20 in 1981. I just figured I was straight because 'I liked girls' and definitely knew I wasn't homosexual. There was no thought of anything else besides maybe bisexual.

[MidoriRIsu]

I think I remember actually joking around about me being asexual with friends back in Jr. High or whenever that would have come up in Biology or whatever class covered that topic in regards to animals, didn't actually know it had a proper application to people for several years and didn't think about it by the time I had since i had been in a relationship by then.  Started looking into this the other night after seeing Jaiden Animation's video and more than anything related to the almost robotic analysis of how to interact with people, except in my case I just always figured I didn't have any crushes because I just hadn't seen anyone attractive enough yet, I'm a big anime fan and I don't really get the whole waifu thing either.  Thinking back after looking up how some people actually described sexual attraction and then reading about aesthetic attraction here, I'm not actually sure if I've ever really been sexually attracted to anyone.

 

Back when my friends all started getting more interested in girls a very common question that would come up would be if you were more of a butt or boob guy, my answer was always faces since that was always the most important physical feature in my mind since logically it's the part of them you'll see the most.  So I definitely have a type in the sense of cute faces and generally smaller or athletic frames but I've never looked at anyone and had any thoughts of doing anything physical with them, and I'm generally not a physical person in the first place.  I didn't really start hugging friends until after I had been with my first girlfriend for a few months which is also where a curveball comes in.  I can't really relate with any of the sex repulsion stuff, been reading/watching porn for ages (mainly hentai but IRL stuff works too, just not my preferred cup of tea) and quite enjoy getting off at this point but that's less of a desire and more of a hobby since while it is more enjoyable to do occasionally, I can go months without it easily if I have other stuff to do, the same is basically true with sex.  That however involves at least one other person so that's a whole layer of complication that just kinda makes it not worth it for me more often than not, except for my first relationship. 

 

I had known her for a few years through a local community we were both a part of and after a year or two of her occasionally trying to get closer to me at events since she had a crush on me, I started noticing we had a lot in common and began analyzing my memories and trying to see if maybe I liked her or not.  I knew she was cute and had a lot similar interests so I figured that must be enough checks on my lists of potential interests to count.  There were a bunch of complications that made that whole relationship a shitshow but I chalked up her initiating almost everything to her being the experienced one despite me being older by about 5 years, my thought process was that eventually things would get hot and heavy enough that impulses would take over but that never once happened, everything was always fully thought about and calculated.  I always felt kinda bad since I don't really have alternating moods, like it feels wrong describing myself this way but I feel like saying I'm a fairly stoic person fits pretty damn well, so I don't really react to much and I don't ever really slip into any sort of mood so I can always just kinda start and stop whenever (Imagine same expression/vocal tone on a roller coaster, haunted house, eating dinner, or having sex), talk about whatever kinda topic in the process, crack jokes, or just laser focus if my general drive to want to be good at things kicks in (another reason I'm starting think it's more like a low priority hobby for me). 

 

Now that's the only relationship I've been in and I do recall trying to be a good boyfriend in all the ways that made sense to me.  I'm not a very attached person in the first place, like I'll go years without talking to friends just because I don't see them and we're all busy doing other stuff, so making an effort to constantly keep up with someone was already new to me and I probably went overboard, that said I just tried to be as available as possible and basically let her steer almost the whole thing.  I've also never really been able to fully grasp my head around the concept of love, I'm pretty sure I loved and might still love her but she's also the only person I ever really forced myself to get attached too, so what I thought was heartbreak might have actually been me actually feeling loss for once.  As the relationship progressed and we had done more physically (went from no physical experiences at all to knocking off almost all firsts in a month or two) I started getting more comfortable initiating more (might have also been a request from her) but again never really felt an impulse.  I think the closest I got were just crazy little scenarios that seemed like stuff you'd only see in porn since as impossible as those usually seem for me, it was actually on the table if she was down. 

 

Quick pivot to recent weeks and a very wild tangent that only other weebs might relate to but it'll make sense in the end (I hope).  Again, always liked hentai, so some tags led me down a rabbithole and that's how I came to the conclusion that I'm probably not as straight as I thought.  Also sorry if any of these terms are offensive to anyone but they're tags for fictional characters.  Always kinda liked the futa tag but never the lesbian tag, futa covered my aesthetic preferences on both sides but some form of actual penetration has to happen for me to care, just nudity in any regard has never meant much to me.  Also a big fan of the gender bender/TSF tag since that often explores the idea of what feeling the other side must be like.  In recent years I occasionally stumbled across the trap tag, generally just dismissed it since I've never really been into dudes, like I don't even know if I'm conventionally attractive (which probably adds to my density with missing hints from people), I just don't have a scale for male faces.  Unless they're feminine enough I guess.  After some mental gymnastics, especially in the context of drawn media, the difference between futanari and even just the right character crossdressing was basically equally acceptable, but it's just cartoons so I'm probably still basically straight.  I've always been fairly self explorative, I figure if there's these amazing pleasures I can experience myself than I might as well try, plus everyone always looks like they're feeling amazing so I'd kinda like to know what that's like.  More or less from the TSF tag I got introduced to the taker POV one, then JOI and somehow ended up getting a toy and experimentally orally.  That was always my go to part of a lot of porn but I had never expected the other end to also be kinda nice, so at this point I'm curious what it's actually like and thought I was basically straight as I was still just aesthetically attracted to women but kinda wanted to try something I'd need a guy for, so bi-curious (until confirmed I guess). 

 

Here's where this all kinda adds up I think, I'm starting to think my main drive behind sex is pure curiosity and my general drive towards fun experiences.  I always thought I wanted to settle down and have kids when the time was right but now that I'm in my mid 30's I'm starting to realize that just doesn't fit my lifestyle, it never did.  I figured sex outside of relationships was too complicated so once I got into another one I'd enjoy that part of life again, once I realized I don't really want to settle down I started thinking about maybe trying out hooking up.  I've gotten approached before (mostly by men over the years which was always flattering but an immediate no since I thought I was straight) but occasionally by women as well.  Got flashed once or twice and all I could really think of a response was a slow and awkward thumbs up, sure do know some friends who would have counted that as a highlight of their week for some reason though.  Whenever someone asks me if I want to do anything intimate with them I always freeze up, my explanation in the past has always been that it was just so unexpected I couldn't think of an answer but usually it takes me about 5-10 minutes to eventually just say maybe next time?  Like I know it feels good and I am curious what more experiences are like but there's just so many good reasons not to, I've only been in the mindset to roll with that offer once, only casual experience I've ever had, kinda rolled with it since she was so different from my ex but it was pretty underwhelming.  It felt nice, I have absolutely no regrets but I've also almost forgotten about it, which is crazy to me since it's such a rare experience for me, but that also just proved how low of a priority it is for me.  One of the least relatable statements I've ever heard any of my friends say is that they were "Just trying to get their dick wet", I get that it's a good time and all but it just never seemed worth putting that much effort into and I can't imagine there aren't tons of other equal or better things to be doing instead.

 

That was a far longer ramble than I had expected but after reading like 10 pages of this thread I had like 4 things I could kinda relate to and figured I'd see if anyone could figure out where on these spectrums I fall since I'm pretty sure I'm on it somewhere.  I'm not sure where I fall on the aromantic side either since the idea of being with someone sounds nice and I do miss some of the intimate moments with my ex (probably just lack of intimacy in general though) and having someone to share experiences with sounds great and all but I've managed fine enough without it, it's never seemed worth the effort.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

TLDR:  Never had any crushes, thought school was too early to date (Videogames, anime, and playing with friends, I had other priorities) but expected at least a crush eventually, definitions of sexual attraction don't really sound relatable, I do appreciate cute faces and a girl with a nice body, don't often see dating as worth the effort, enjoy sexual activities but never really pursue them, still kinda curious about experimenting with different people but probably not enough to ever initiate anything with anyone, never really got why people are so obsessed with boobs, can't relate with the idea of going anywhere to pick someone up, can go months without getting off without issue, only had one sex dream at some point, never had a wet dream, unable to come up with an answer when offered any physical intimacy, had a few people ask if I was gay since I wasn't outwardly ever checking anyone out (I figured I was just really picky and heard staring was rude anyway).

 

So I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of aroace if anyone can help me narrow it down better.  Also hadn't quite seen a post I fully related to yet so I'm curious how much of this anyone else will find relatable.  One of the most relatable things I've read across the board here was the kind of alienation you can feel from not being able to really relate with general society on such a common topic throughout life, that definitely spans further for me than just people talking about their relationships but that's a large chunk of it for sure.

[Lord Jade Cross]

On 11/13/2022 at 1:15 AM, MidoriRIsu said:

I think I remember actually joking around about me being asexual with friends back in Jr. High or whenever that would have come up in Biology or whatever class covered that topic in regards to animals, didn't actually know it had a proper application to people for several years and didn't think about it by the time I had since i had been in a relationship by then.  Started looking into this the other night after seeing Jaiden Animation's video and more than anything related to the almost robotic analysis of how to interact with people, except in my case I just always figured I didn't have any crushes because I just hadn't seen anyone attractive enough yet, I'm a big anime fan and I don't really get the whole waifu thing either.  Thinking back after looking up how some people actually described sexual attraction and then reading about aesthetic attraction here, I'm not actually sure if I've ever really been sexually attracted to anyone.

 

Back when my friends all started getting more interested in girls a very common question that would come up would be if you were more of a butt or boob guy, my answer was always faces since that was always the most important physical feature in my mind since logically it's the part of them you'll see the most.  So I definitely have a type in the sense of cute faces and generally smaller or athletic frames but I've never looked at anyone and had any thoughts of doing anything physical with them, and I'm generally not a physical person in the first place.  I didn't really start hugging friends until after I had been with my first girlfriend for a few months which is also where a curveball comes in.  I can't really relate with any of the sex repulsion stuff, been reading/watching porn for ages (mainly hentai but IRL stuff works too, just not my preferred cup of tea) and quite enjoy getting off at this point but that's less of a desire and more of a hobby since while it is more enjoyable to do occasionally, I can go months without it easily if I have other stuff to do, the same is basically true with sex.  That however involves at least one other person so that's a whole layer of complication that just kinda makes it not worth it for me more often than not, except for my first relationship. 

 

I had known her for a few years through a local community we were both a part of and after a year or two of her occasionally trying to get closer to me at events since she had a crush on me, I started noticing we had a lot in common and began analyzing my memories and trying to see if maybe I liked her or not.  I knew she was cute and had a lot similar interests so I figured that must be enough checks on my lists of potential interests to count.  There were a bunch of complications that made that whole relationship a shitshow but I chalked up her initiating almost everything to her being the experienced one despite me being older by about 5 years, my thought process was that eventually things would get hot and heavy enough that impulses would take over but that never once happened, everything was always fully thought about and calculated.  I always felt kinda bad since I don't really have alternating moods, like it feels wrong describing myself this way but I feel like saying I'm a fairly stoic person fits pretty damn well, so I don't really react to much and I don't ever really slip into any sort of mood so I can always just kinda start and stop whenever (Imagine same expression/vocal tone on a roller coaster, haunted house, eating dinner, or having sex), talk about whatever kinda topic in the process, crack jokes, or just laser focus if my general drive to want to be good at things kicks in (another reason I'm starting think it's more like a low priority hobby for me). 

 

Now that's the only relationship I've been in and I do recall trying to be a good boyfriend in all the ways that made sense to me.  I'm not a very attached person in the first place, like I'll go years without talking to friends just because I don't see them and we're all busy doing other stuff, so making an effort to constantly keep up with someone was already new to me and I probably went overboard, that said I just tried to be as available as possible and basically let her steer almost the whole thing.  I've also never really been able to fully grasp my head around the concept of love, I'm pretty sure I loved and might still love her but she's also the only person I ever really forced myself to get attached too, so what I thought was heartbreak might have actually been me actually feeling loss for once.  As the relationship progressed and we had done more physically (went from no physical experiences at all to knocking off almost all firsts in a month or two) I started getting more comfortable initiating more (might have also been a request from her) but again never really felt an impulse.  I think the closest I got were just crazy little scenarios that seemed like stuff you'd only see in porn since as impossible as those usually seem for me, it was actually on the table if she was down. 

 

Quick pivot to recent weeks and a very wild tangent that only other weebs might relate to but it'll make sense in the end (I hope).  Again, always liked hentai, so some tags led me down a rabbithole and that's how I came to the conclusion that I'm probably not as straight as I thought.  Also sorry if any of these terms are offensive to anyone but they're tags for fictional characters.  Always kinda liked the futa tag but never the lesbian tag, futa covered my aesthetic preferences on both sides but some form of actual penetration has to happen for me to care, just nudity in any regard has never meant much to me.  Also a big fan of the gender bender/TSF tag since that often explores the idea of what feeling the other side must be like.  In recent years I occasionally stumbled across the trap tag, generally just dismissed it since I've never really been into dudes, like I don't even know if I'm conventionally attractive (which probably adds to my density with missing hints from people), I just don't have a scale for male faces.  Unless they're feminine enough I guess.  After some mental gymnastics, especially in the context of drawn media, the difference between futanari and even just the right character crossdressing was basically equally acceptable, but it's just cartoons so I'm probably still basically straight.  I've always been fairly self explorative, I figure if there's these amazing pleasures I can experience myself than I might as well try, plus everyone always looks like they're feeling amazing so I'd kinda like to know what that's like.  More or less from the TSF tag I got introduced to the taker POV one, then JOI and somehow ended up getting a toy and experimentally orally.  That was always my go to part of a lot of porn but I had never expected the other end to also be kinda nice, so at this point I'm curious what it's actually like and thought I was basically straight as I was still just aesthetically attracted to women but kinda wanted to try something I'd need a guy for, so bi-curious (until confirmed I guess). 

 

Here's where this all kinda adds up I think, I'm starting to think my main drive behind sex is pure curiosity and my general drive towards fun experiences.  I always thought I wanted to settle down and have kids when the time was right but now that I'm in my mid 30's I'm starting to realize that just doesn't fit my lifestyle, it never did.  I figured sex outside of relationships was too complicated so once I got into another one I'd enjoy that part of life again, once I realized I don't really want to settle down I started thinking about maybe trying out hooking up.  I've gotten approached before (mostly by men over the years which was always flattering but an immediate no since I thought I was straight) but occasionally by women as well.  Got flashed once or twice and all I could really think of a response was a slow and awkward thumbs up, sure do know some friends who would have counted that as a highlight of their week for some reason though.  Whenever someone asks me if I want to do anything intimate with them I always freeze up, my explanation in the past has always been that it was just so unexpected I couldn't think of an answer but usually it takes me about 5-10 minutes to eventually just say maybe next time?  Like I know it feels good and I am curious what more experiences are like but there's just so many good reasons not to, I've only been in the mindset to roll with that offer once, only casual experience I've ever had, kinda rolled with it since she was so different from my ex but it was pretty underwhelming.  It felt nice, I have absolutely no regrets but I've also almost forgotten about it, which is crazy to me since it's such a rare experience for me, but that also just proved how low of a priority it is for me.  One of the least relatable statements I've ever heard any of my friends say is that they were "Just trying to get their dick wet", I get that it's a good time and all but it just never seemed worth putting that much effort into and I can't imagine there aren't tons of other equal or better things to be doing instead.

 

That was a far longer ramble than I had expected but after reading like 10 pages of this thread I had like 4 things I could kinda relate to and figured I'd see if anyone could figure out where on these spectrums I fall since I'm pretty sure I'm on it somewhere.  I'm not sure where I fall on the aromantic side either since the idea of being with someone sounds nice and I do miss some of the intimate moments with my ex (probably just lack of intimacy in general though) and having someone to share experiences with sounds great and all but I've managed fine enough without it, it's never seemed worth the effort.

 

------------------------------------------------

 

TLDR:  Never had any crushes, thought school was too early to date (Videogames, anime, and playing with friends, I had other priorities) but expected at least a crush eventually, definitions of sexual attraction don't really sound relatable, I do appreciate cute faces and a girl with a nice body, don't often see dating as worth the effort, enjoy sexual activities but never really pursue them, still kinda curious about experimenting with different people but probably not enough to ever initiate anything with anyone, never really got why people are so obsessed with boobs, can't relate with the idea of going anywhere to pick someone up, can go months without getting off without issue, only had one sex dream at some point, never had a wet dream, unable to come up with an answer when offered any physical intimacy, had a few people ask if I was gay since I wasn't outwardly ever checking anyone out (I figured I was just really picky and heard staring was rude anyway).

 

So I'm pretty sure I'm some sort of aroace if anyone can help me narrow it down better.  Also hadn't quite seen a post I fully related to yet so I'm curious how much of this anyone else will find relatable.  One of the most relatable things I've read across the board here was the kind of alienation you can feel from not being able to really relate with general society on such a common topic throughout life, that definitely spans further for me than just people talking about their relationships but that's a large chunk of it for sure.

Some minor differences here and there, but for the most part, this sounds like my own story growing up

 

I was the nerdy kid that was into anime (still Im although I dont have nearly as much time to sit down and binge watch series like I used to) and was always a loner. Relationships/sex never really interested me, which didnt seem to be something possible according to others as everyone from parents to peers always claimed that it was the normal thing to do and pushed it for years on end

 

I always found people.....odd to say a word and I could never identify with them, sex being no exception to the pattern.

 

Reading your post, it does seem to point to an aromantic asexual combination, which I know is confusing when thinking about all the other things that we can find aesthetically attractive but if theres anything Ive learned here, is that there cant be a picture perfect version of something that fits into a neat little box that explains everything.   

[0svvan0]

It came to me the other day that for the most part I have gathered a friend group of guys who don't have to talk about sex all the time.

 ...and I wondered how many of us men have that.

 

I know I didn't 20 years ago.

[will123]

2 hours ago, 0svvan0 said:

It came to me the other day that for the most part I have gathered a friend group of guys who don't have to talk about sex all the time.

 ...and I wondered how many of us men have that.

 

I know I didn't 20 years ago.

I wonder if it's also an aging thing?

[daveb]

Or, in my case, being a nerd and having nerdy friends.  

[0svvan0]

5 hours ago, will123 said:

I wonder if it's also an aging thing?

Maybe.

...except a lot of these friends are younger, that's the surprising thing.

 

5 hours ago, daveb said:

Or, in my case, being a nerd and having nerdy friends.  

That can help, although once one of those nerds gets a girlfriend, they can get pretty annoying about it.

 

 I can at least say the friends of mine who are in relationships aren't going on and on about it.

 

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Bear with me here but I think the need to talk about sex and habing a girlfriend passed away into history as newer things held the attention of many. I certainly heard enough guys talking about sex growing up but now, it seems that aside from the occasional mention here and there, alot of men are bored? talking about sex. And having a girlfriend seems to have become less of an acomplishment, even for nerds

[will123]

3 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

Bear with me here but I think the need to talk about sex and habing a girlfriend passed away into history as newer things held the attention of many. I certainly heard enough guys talking about sex growing up but now, it seems that aside from the occasional mention here and there, alot of men are bored? talking about sex. And having a girlfriend seems to have become less of an acomplishment, even for nerds

Starting work in a factory at 19, chasing girls on the weekend was pretty much the topic of conversation on Mondays. As my co-workers got older and had steady girlfriends and/or got married, the sex talk pretty much dwindled. That was unless someone was reminiscing about some 'event'.

 

Fast forward to my late 30s/early 40s when my 'player' friend (same age) would regale me with his latest hook up.

 

'Annie and I did this'

'Brenda and I met up there'

'Carole called me to come over to her place'

'Diane the bank teller is horny as...'

 

You get the picture. I never met any of these persons and I never asked about the previous one as she was long down the road. In my mind (and I'd tell other friends who didn't know him), "He's fucking his way thru the phone book!" It was around this time two things happened. One he was constantly pestering me to join Plenty of Fish (which I had absolutely no interest in) and I found out about asexuality.

 

I was pretty much appalled hearing these stories on a monthly basis. I'm not sure whether being asexual was the reason I was bothered (and more or less cringed when he started) or whether allo guys (especially the same age) would feel the same way. 

[smellincoffee]

I count myself lucky to have several male friends who, while not asexual,   are either old enough or busy enough that they can ignore their libidos.  We watch movies, groove to music, and go exploring together.

[Gefrierbrand]

I'd like to share a part of my story and the reason I've found this place.

 

In the past decade there always has been that pressure to pursue a "normal" life. Growing up in a rural area in the Alps this implies finding a decent job, marriage, have children and own a house. And I don't blame them and there was surely no ill intend giving me the feeling that something is wrong with me and inducting this pressure on me. After all this is the life they live and know. In the past I always thought it is because I am a shy introvert and only open up once I feel comfortable around people. But one Incident in particular got me thinking and questioning.

 

Fast forward to a couple of months back and the Incident that in a way brought me here. I was visiting one of my closest friends and we decided to have some drinks. Had a great time and the evening brought us to several bars and even meeting people I haven't seen in a long time. At some point we ran into his F+ and her friend. For simplicitylet us  call her Antoinette. She is an attricative and intelligent young woman and fun to hang around with. As I already knew her from some parties in the past we ended up chatting and enjoying the evening. A while later she becomes mad at me, curses at me because I hadn't made a move on her. Basically that I wasn't normal because every man wants sex and  me not showing sexual interesset in her is offending here. I was standing there not knowing how to handle this situation. I measn if it was caused by me saying dumb, stupid or  offending things. But this? In the end we changed locations away from Antoinette had fun the resat of the night. On the next day the friend I visited and I were having a cup of  coffee in the garden and talking about what happened last night. He didn't quite understand why I was not after intercourse with her. After all it is just sex, it is great and all that.  We ended up talking about my view on life and relationships. I am al in all happy with my life as it is. Not needing to have a relationship, having sex with strangers or those I  know a bit better. I mean life is good. And I get to do a lot of things I enjoy.

 

But the Incident I just told and the talk with my friend got me thinking the days, weeks and months after it happened. And through my journey i ended up here. Read in the forum and find many similarities of other peoples stories with my life. As for the next chapter of my journey I will stick around and try to answear myself the questions I still have. And maybe on the way share some more thoughts or stories.

[will123]

On 12/8/2022 at 4:55 AM, Gefrierbrand said:

I am al in all happy with my life as it is. Not needing to have a relationship, having sex with strangers or those I  know a bit better. I mean life is good. And I get to do a lot of things I enjoy.

I can whole heartedly agree with this. 

 

Welcome to AVEN from Canada.

[morton51]

On 12/8/2022 at 9:55 AM, Gefrierbrand said:

I'd like to share a part of my story and the reason I've found this place.

 

In the past decade there always has been that pressure to pursue a "normal" life. Growing up in a rural area in the Alps this implies finding a decent job, marriage, have children and own a house. And I don't blame them and there was surely no ill intend giving me the feeling that something is wrong with me and inducting this pressure on me. After all this is the life they live and know. In the past I always thought it is because I am a shy introvert and only open up once I feel comfortable around people. But one Incident in particular got me thinking and questioning.

 

Fast forward to a couple of months back and the Incident that in a way brought me here. I was visiting one of my closest friends and we decided to have some drinks. Had a great time and the evening brought us to several bars and even meeting people I haven't seen in a long time. At some point we ran into his F+ and her friend. For simplicitylet us  call her Antoinette. She is an attricative and intelligent young woman and fun to hang around with. As I already knew her from some parties in the past we ended up chatting and enjoying the evening. A while later she becomes mad at me, curses at me because I hadn't made a move on her. Basically that I wasn't normal because every man wants sex and  me not showing sexual interesset in her is offending here. I was standing there not knowing how to handle this situation. I measn if it was caused by me saying dumb, stupid or  offending things. But this? In the end we changed locations away from Antoinette had fun the resat of the night. On the next day the friend I visited and I were having a cup of  coffee in the garden and talking about what happened last night. He didn't quite understand why I was not after intercourse with her. After all it is just sex, it is great and all that.  We ended up talking about my view on life and relationships. I am al in all happy with my life as it is. Not needing to have a relationship, having sex with strangers or those I  know a bit better. I mean life is good. And I get to do a lot of things I enjoy.

 

But the Incident I just told and the talk with my friend got me thinking the days, weeks and months after it happened. And through my journey i ended up here. Read in the forum and find many similarities of other peoples stories with my life. As for the next chapter of my journey I will stick around and try to answear myself the questions I still have. And maybe on the way share some more thoughts or stories.

I've had at least two similar experiences where not showing interest (or even registering flirting) has ended in a very awkward feeling of rejection and hurt feelings. In one of those cases, I was being very naïve (an allo's invite for an after-hours drink in their home is not necessarily the same as my interpretation - I always get the good rum or whisky available for a genuine conversation!). The other case involved a ridiculous degree of flirting/attempted arousal at a bar that was never going to happen. 

 

It's becoming easier to avoid that situation with age and experience but going to bars still carries that 'risk' of someone developing the misplaced sense of rejection that you've described. I'm not sure what it says about society's expectation of allosexual males either that they'd be expected to jump into bed with a woman, no questions asked. 

[Yellow Rue]

In your experience, do different genders have a tendency when they discover asexuality exists? Especially if it's someone they personally know. 

I have no intention of coming out personally, but I'm curious as to how someone's gender might influence their opinion of male asexuality.

[will123]

I'm out to about 10 allos of which two are male. The one friend I've known since elementary school as he is completely cool with me identifying as asexual. The other had several questions of a doubting 'vibe'.

 

All the girls were fine. I started telling these friends about five years ago. I'm 61 now.

[aafire]

I've vaguely sort of told a few friends in confidence, and it hasn't come up since. I think most of my close guy friends kinda get that I'm not into sex/woman the same way they are. They are still encouraging and supportive though, so thats nice.

ymmv of course.