Asexual Men Musings

[TormentDubz]

On 7/6/2021 at 3:13 PM, Warhawk said:

I REALLY don’t get NSFW artists, nor people who follow or are fans of the art. Sure, it’s literally written in my identity, but I just don’t understand the whole thing. Rather my biggest confusion is people sharing it within communities or like "nsfw chats" on discord. Do sexual guys sit down and watch adult content together or something? Not with the intent of doing anything with each other. That's almost kinda what it feels like in that setting. I guess the anonymity takes away that kind of awkwardness.

Tell me about it 

[UsiresAedon]

I've had everyone from strangers to therapists to friends to family, all give me that all-too-familiar eye of suspicion when I have tried to "come out" to them about being asexual. These folks have included religious, non-religious, liberal, conservative, heterosexual and homosexual individuals. I find it very interesting and curious that so many different subgroups, likely with different views and ideas from one another, appear to share some degree of skepticism about male asexuality. It's strange how humans operate. If I questioned a heterosexual or homosexual person's orientation in the same way an ace male's orientation is questioned, such behavior would be criticized and labelled as "socially unacceptable." I wonder if this is simply just a majority vs. minority thing? If asexuality were more common, would such skepticism go away? If so, at what point does a "new" sexual orientation become "valid" in the eyes of society? Is there a number? When do we, as a society, get to say "Okay, X percentage of the human population identifies as asexual, so maybe we should actually study this scientifically instead of treating it as though it were just a psychological condition?" This is a relevant question, because more and more individuals (including men) are identifying as asexual as the years go by. I wonder how long it will take for the rest of society to catch up and get with the times? Will they ever?

[BlueHeart439]

Anyone else find it hard to interact with strangers / casual acquaintances because you're worrying too much that they think you're trying to put "the moves" on them?  But at the same time, it feels inappropriate to just blurt out, "Oh I'm asexual btw, nbd."

 

I don't know, just something I struggle with.  I see people at the grocery store or wherever and they'll have a cool shirt or awesome hair and I feel like I should tell them!  I was shocked the other day in Starbucks when the barista (female) told me they liked my beanie.  They were wearing an aquamarine hijab and I thought it was beautiful and wanted to tell them but stopped short because I didn't want them to "think anything."  Why am I like this?????

In other news, I got my Ace flag enamel pin in the mail yesterday, so maybe wearing that around and about will give me more confidence in this area.

Anyway, this is a good topic.  Haven't even read a quarter of it yet and already too many relatable things to start listing.

[Jason H]

Most of the people I hang out with, or maybe all of them, have never even heard of "asexuality".

So it's frustrating trying to explain it to them, and they assume it's something to do with being gay and I keep having to tell them I'm not gay.

 

Some think that I'm trying to be morally superior, but it just isn't so.

I don't feel superior for being different, that makes no sense to me.

I think they are also frustrated because they have a hard time understanding me, and I get it.

 

Honestly, it really does aggravate me to no end when my friends keep trying to hook me up with someone, and I keep telling them no.

If I want to be with someone, I will seek them out, I don't need anybody to help me with what they see as a problem.

 

That problem being that I've never had sex.

It's as if, once I've had sex, suddenly my life will improve for the better, and all my problems will disappear.

As if sex was some kind of cure-all.

If that were so, the world would not be the way it is today.

 

I understand their concern, because luckily for them they're what's considered normal and I'm the outsider.

Believe me, I'm proud of who I am, but I don't take any pride in being the outsider, the rebel or the "mystery man" as some have called me.

Those are just labels they gave me.

 

The worst part was thinking my friends were close enough, and trustworthy enough that I could tell them my feelings, but they just don't get it.

They're not stupid people, but they are just different, like I am to them.

 

All I hear about is sex all the time and it's driving me a little crazy, so perhaps I should find new friends.

Which is one of the reasons I joined this forum in the first place.

 

[hara]

On 1/23/2022 at 8:09 PM, Jason H said:

Most of the people I hang out with, or maybe all of them, have never even heard of "asexuality".

So it's frustrating trying to explain it to them, and they assume it's something to do with being gay and I keep having to tell them I'm not gay.

 

Some think that I'm trying to be morally superior, but it just isn't so.

I don't feel superior for being different, that makes no sense to me.

I think they are also frustrated because they have a hard time understanding me, and I get it.

 

Honestly, it really does aggravate me to no end when my friends keep trying to hook me up with someone, and I keep telling them no.

If I want to be with someone, I will seek them out, I don't need anybody to help me with what they see as a problem.

 

That problem being that I've never had sex.

It's as if, once I've had sex, suddenly my life will improve for the better, and all my problems will disappear.

As if sex was some kind of cure-all.

If that were so, the world would not be the way it is today.

 

I understand their concern, because luckily for them they're what's considered normal and I'm the outsider.

Believe me, I'm proud of who I am, but I don't take any pride in being the outsider, the rebel or the "mystery man" as some have called me.

Those are just labels they gave me.

 

The worst part was thinking my friends were close enough, and trustworthy enough that I could tell them my feelings, but they just don't get it.

They're not stupid people, but they are just different, like I am to them.

 

All I hear about is sex all the time and it's driving me a little crazy, so perhaps I should find new friends.

Which is one of the reasons I joined this forum in the first place.

 

Hello for every body, it's so nice be here for long Time 

[hara]

Greetings from Finland.

[txviking]

On 1/23/2022 at 1:09 PM, Jason H said:

Most of the people I hang out with, or maybe all of them, have never even heard of "asexuality".

So it's frustrating trying to explain it to them, and they assume it's something to do with being gay and I keep having to tell them I'm not gay.

 

Some think that I'm trying to be morally superior, but it just isn't so.

I don't feel superior for being different, that makes no sense to me.

I think they are also frustrated because they have a hard time understanding me, and I get it.

 

Honestly, it really does aggravate me to no end when my friends keep trying to hook me up with someone, and I keep telling them no.

If I want to be with someone, I will seek them out, I don't need anybody to help me with what they see as a problem.

 

That problem being that I've never had sex.

It's as if, once I've had sex, suddenly my life will improve for the better, and all my problems will disappear.

As if sex was some kind of cure-all.

If that were so, the world would not be the way it is today.

 

I understand their concern, because luckily for them they're what's considered normal and I'm the outsider.

Believe me, I'm proud of who I am, but I don't take any pride in being the outsider, the rebel or the "mystery man" as some have called me.

Those are just labels they gave me.

 

The worst part was thinking my friends were close enough, and trustworthy enough that I could tell them my feelings, but they just don't get it.

They're not stupid people, but they are just different, like I am to them.

 

All I hear about is sex all the time and it's driving me a little crazy, so perhaps I should find new friends.

Which is one of the reasons I joined this forum in the first place.

 

I can relate to basically all of this. Even among my more "liberal" and supposedly open-minded friends, asexuality is seemingly unknown. They can understand straight, gay, bi, trans, whatever letter you want to pick out of LGBT, but "asexual" is not just something they don't understand, it's something they've never even heard of.

It's not just the attempted hookups (made worse by the fact that I'm divorced, and therefore apparently must want to get married again.) It's the constant talk about sex and women (or to a lesser extent men, when talking to friends who are either female or gay.) I'm actually offended on behalf of women at some of the cruder comments.

But beyond that, it's that pressure to feign interest, just so I can fit in. It's that pressure to be something I'm not. And like what you describe, I don't think there's any malicious intent, it's just a genuine lack of understanding which opens a chasm that, at least at times, seems impossible to bridge.

[Luna88]

I want to apologize right away, because I'm a woman, and I don't know if I can be here. I just wanted to say. I read a lot of forums and constantly see the discrimination against asexual men and those who have not had relationships with women. It's hard to be an asexual woman, but it's even harder for asexual men. These people are under so much pressure from society! There are so many stereotypes about male behavior today. I don't know why, but I've always been hurt by these stereotypes. And in arguments, I've always been a little on the side of men. Anyway, I'm glad to know that you are there and you are with us. Thank you for that! You are all wonderful people!

[hipnosys]

Coming into adulthood and finally being able to befriend other guys and have "guy friend groups" (trans man, grew up in an all girls school) was quite.. jarring, in terms of the topic of sex.

It's bizarre being in groups of men who excitedly discuss their sex lives and make really crude jokes and have all sorts of fun talking about their genitals (not to mention the number of times I've experienced the 'guy friends look up porn together' phenomenon) and feeling so alienated from it all. Is it always.. like this?

 

It's strange feeling like I might be seen as lesser or weird because I can't relate to all their talk and have no interest. When girls have discussed sex stuff with me present, it never felt like as much of a 'big deal'. Their business was their own and there was never so much pressure to be the same as them.

 

One of my most recent close mates has told me many a stories of his ex girlfriends, and it was always shocking to me how entitled to sex he always sounded. Was this how every allosexual felt, or was he just a loud minority? Though I bet I'm not the only one here who feels that a lot of other men do feel they have some sort of entitlement to sex.

 

Perhaps this is just how guys my age behave.. I will say, it's nice to hear that lots of others seem to share my feelings of alienation and needing to feign interest out of some weird obligation.

[Jason H]

On 1/26/2022 at 4:28 AM, Luna88 said:

I want to apologize right away, because I'm a woman, and I don't know if I can be here. I just wanted to say. I read a lot of forums and constantly see the discrimination against asexual men and those who have not had relationships with women. It's hard to be an asexual woman, but it's even harder for asexual men. These people are under so much pressure from society! There are so many stereotypes about male behavior today. I don't know why, but I've always been hurt by these stereotypes. And in arguments, I've always been a little on the side of men. Anyway, I'm glad to know that you are there and you are with us. Thank you for that! You are all wonderful people!

No, I have no problem with input from women.

It's just funny how some women and men find it inconceivable that a guy like me isn't obsessed with sex or constantly seeking it.

Among men it's worse because other guys are always trying to size everybody up, and see how much of a macho man you are.

For me it's a prehistoric, cave man way of thinking.

But yeah, I think you have the right idea, men don't always get to express their feelings as openly as women.

[Luna88]

3 hours ago, Jason H said:

No, I have no problem with input from women.

It's just funny how some women and men find it inconceivable that a guy like me isn't obsessed with sex or constantly seeking it.

Among men it's worse because other guys are always trying to size everybody up, and see how much of a macho man you are.

For me it's a prehistoric, cave man way of thinking.

But yeah, I think you have the right idea, men don't always get to express their feelings as openly as women.

Maybe I'm wrong myself, but I like it when men express their feelings (I generally hate gender stereotypes). Unfortunately, there is really too much aggression online, especially on Runet, and people just don't believe in the existence of asexual men.

[Luna88]

Hi guys! These are the words of one of the psychologists from our rather conservative space. I decided to leave it here, maybe someone will find it interesting.

 

"Hello! You are 24 and you do not understand your happiness to allow yourself to experience the whole palette of emotions. Unfortunately, our upbringing, which is fundamentally wrong, insists that boys should not cry. Literally from childhood, this is rubbed into the ears of every child, and aggressive sadists or indifferent men grow from there. The fact that you can afford to cry when you're sad and laugh when you're happy is just wonderful ...  is absolutely not necessary to become cruel and brutal jock".

 

This, of course, is a rather rough translation from Russian. Forgive me guys for sticking around in this thread, I feel like I'm violating your privacy. I'll try not to do this in the future.

[daveb]

1 hour ago, Luna88 said:

The fact that you can afford to cry when you're sad and laugh when you're happy is just wonderful

I agree.  

[will123]

@Jason H I hear you. You mirror some of my thoughts that I've shared with one of the two guys I've come out to (I'm out to several women that I know). 

 

I don't feel any superiority over allos nor do I feel any pride in being asexual. As far as I'm concerned it's a part of me no different than my eye or hair colour.

[bad_apple]

On 1/11/2022 at 11:30 AM, BlueHeart439 said:

Anyone else find it hard to interact with strangers / casual acquaintances because you're worrying too much that they think you're trying to put "the moves" on them?  But at the same time, it feels inappropriate to just blurt out, "Oh I'm asexual btw, nbd."

 

I don't know, just something I struggle with.  I see people at the grocery store or wherever and they'll have a cool shirt or awesome hair and I feel like I should tell them!  I was shocked the other day in Starbucks when the barista (female) told me they liked my beanie.  They were wearing an aquamarine hijab and I thought it was beautiful and wanted to tell them but stopped short because I didn't want them to "think anything."  Why am I like this?????

In other news, I got my Ace flag enamel pin in the mail yesterday, so maybe wearing that around and about will give me more confidence in this area.

Anyway, this is a good topic.  Haven't even read a quarter of it yet and already too many relatable things to start listing.

Ah! I'm glad I'm not the only that feels this way haha. I blame society for making me feel like I can't compliment others without ulterior motives 😅

I hope your enamel pin helped! I feel a little more comfortable now that I identify as Ace, since it gives me reassurance that I just want to compliment ppl.

[txviking]

On 2/18/2022 at 11:10 AM, bad_apple said:

Ah! I'm glad I'm not the only that feels this way haha. I blame society for making me feel like I can't compliment others without ulterior motives 😅

I hope your enamel pin helped! I feel a little more comfortable now that I identify as Ace, since it gives me reassurance that I just want to compliment ppl.

I'm the same. It doesn't help when I read online that, for example, complimenting a woman on her appearance can be interpreted as sexual harassment, or that it's gender discrimination if I wouldn't say the same thing to a man. But if I do say the same thing to a man, then it could be taken as an insult to his masculinity. Even if all I ever intended was a genuine compliment.

It's difficult to navigate. More often than not, I check myself and just don't say anything, but that doesn't feel right either. I'm uncomfortable discussing my own orientation with people, not because I'm ashamed of it, but because it just doesn't compete in people's head and gets me instantly classified as "weird".

In a way, it's a weird juxtaposition. On the one hand, I feel society has become so "woke" (and I'm only using that term because I don't know a more neutral way to refer to it) that no matter what you say, it will be wrong on some level. At the same time, it's not "woke enough" for asexuality to even be a concept in mainstream society.

[riskygamble]

The ironies of the "Are you gay?" questionings from other people before I came out, to being questioned about being gay from others because of asexuality.

[txviking]

On 3/10/2022 at 1:36 PM, riskygamble said:

The ironies of the "Are you gay?" questionings from other people before I came out, to being questioned about being gay from others because of asexuality.

This is reflective of the black-and-white world view that seems so prevalent. "Normal" in terms of sexuality is being heterosexual. The only alternative people seem to understand is "gay", so anyone who is not "normal" (ie. straight) is automatically classified as gay.

A disappointing number of people seem to make no allowance for the possibility that we are neither.

[Gilphchen]

Anyone ever feel hopelessly isolated by virtue of being an asexual male? I guess it feels even worse for me because i also happen to want to date other men, which means all i ever encounter is high sex drive homosexual men who just see asexuality as a huge red flag and honestly it just makes me feel unwanted and broken sometimes. I still find validation and happiness in identifying and finding a term to describe me, but it is just hard sometimes you know? I hope you all are doing alright, i know first hand that ace dudes have it rough(though ace gals and non binary pals also have it rough just in different ways if that makes sense). 

[J. van Deijck]

All men think about sex, yeah right.

[Deltalorian]

On 3/28/2022 at 6:38 PM, Gilphchen said:

Anyone ever feel hopelessly isolated by virtue of being an asexual male?

Absolutely. When I was younger, I preferred being alone, as I saw everyone else as the weird ones. The older I got, the more I wanted friends, and the more impossible that became as everyone else became interested in sex. I also struggle making friends with women, solely because of a few sexually inappropriate comments some of them made at me. I have been forced into a position where I wait for other people to try to befriend me before I befriend them- it's my only way of making friends, because as a child I was never given the opportunity to learn how to.

[J. van Deijck]

Sometimes it feels we're not being taken seriously just because we are males, and the popular belief is that all men think about sex and want it.

[will123]

On 3/14/2022 at 11:16 PM, txviking said:

This is reflective of the black-and-white world view that seems so prevalent. "Normal" in terms of sexuality is being heterosexual. The only alternative people seem to understand is "gay", so anyone who is not "normal" (ie. straight) is automatically classified as gay.

A disappointing number of people seem to make no allowance for the possibility that we are neither.

Well you can look at the latter portion from 'our' (or at least my) viewpoint. In the 80s I just figured I was straight because I wasn't attracted to guys. Yes girls were pretty to look at but that was about the limit of my straightness. I'm still a virgin at 60 and have never had a steady girlfriend.

[Chef Remy]

 

Not noticing “hot” girls or people in general of either sex and/or gender.

Had some girls in class mention they liked looking at the hot guys in the physical therapy doctorate program and some of women too.

And I was just completely clueless. Never had the “chic radar”. To me people are just people.

[GaggedNoMore]

One thing that really irritates me is cis hetero dudes who appropriate feminism for the wrong reasons. They'll try to hit on/pick up women with lines like "I totally get women, like...I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body!" or "there's only two kinds of male feminists; one that wants to get into  a woman's dress, the other who wants to get into a woman's pants!" Seriously dudes, you have no idea how transparent you are. You're not only turning off women with this shit, but you're casting aspersion on those of us amab but who don't identify that way. If you want to be more successful with women, try listening to them instead of going to PUA courses. 😝

[ashpenaz]

On 1/23/2022 at 12:09 PM, Jason H said:

Most of the people I hang out with, or maybe all of them, have never even heard of "asexuality".

So it's frustrating trying to explain it to them, and they assume it's something to do with being gay and I keep having to tell them I'm not gay.

 

Some think that I'm trying to be morally superior, but it just isn't so.

I don't feel superior for being different, that makes no sense to me.

I think they are also frustrated because they have a hard time understanding me, and I get it.

 

Honestly, it really does aggravate me to no end when my friends keep trying to hook me up with someone, and I keep telling them no.

If I want to be with someone, I will seek them out, I don't need anybody to help me with what they see as a problem.

 

That problem being that I've never had sex.

It's as if, once I've had sex, suddenly my life will improve for the better, and all my problems will disappear.

As if sex was some kind of cure-all.

If that were so, the world would not be the way it is today.

 

I understand their concern, because luckily for them they're what's considered normal and I'm the outsider.

Believe me, I'm proud of who I am, but I don't take any pride in being the outsider, the rebel or the "mystery man" as some have called me.

Those are just labels they gave me.

 

The worst part was thinking my friends were close enough, and trustworthy enough that I could tell them my feelings, but they just don't get it.

They're not stupid people, but they are just different, like I am to them.

 

All I hear about is sex all the time and it's driving me a little crazy, so perhaps I should find new friends.

Which is one of the reasons I joined this forum in the first place.

 

Here's what will happen if you have sex: "I just had sex. Hmm. How about that. Is that cake over there?"

[Boondocks Paradox]

Every time my friends delve in into TMI conversations, I'm on the other side of table with this expression:

 

Spoiler

[J. van Deijck]

3 hours ago, Boondocks Paradox said:

Every time my friends delve in into TMI conversations, I'm on the other side of table with this expression:

 

  Hide contents

Yeah same. Sex jokes can be funny, but when things get too personal, I'm outta here.

[will123]

28 minutes ago, alsjeblieft said:

Yeah same. Sex jokes can be funny, but when things get too personal, I'm outta here.

LOL I might not have had that same expression or hand on my forehead when my friend was regaling me about his latest conquest, but I understand. Unimpressed would've been my emotion.  

[JWo]

Hi.  Middle-aged.  Recent ACE/Hetero-Romantic realization.  As I think about the journey through this new lens, I feel like probably I started to feel different from other guys around middle school/junior high.  Didn’t quite know how or why, but perhaps I guess I was feeling less certain in myself and my masculinity and gravitated towards becoming more of an observer of others than a participant.  Do other ACE guys out here feel like they had this experience coming of age? Or, how did others feel as their peers transitioned from non-sexual to sexual?