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  • 3 weeks later...
On 1/16/2023 at 4:43 PM, aafire said:

I've vaguely sort of told a few friends in confidence, and it hasn't come up since. I think most of my close guy friends kinda get that I'm not into sex/woman the same way they are. They are still encouraging and supportive though, so thats nice.

ymmv of course.

 

I told two friends last week. I didn't deliberately plan to do so, but there was about six or seven of us out for the day and I felt that if the issue came up then I'd address it head on. It did and they were happy that I felt confident enough to share it with them. It was a positive and supportive experience. Bloke friends being bloke friends (generalisation), I reckon the information will just be shared around and the subject will never be mentioned again!

 

Having shared it with a couple of supportive friends, I didn't find that they *knew* or expected that information - despite me having zero interest in sex or other people for 15 years. That surprised me a little. I know that being ace is not high profile, but felt that all the clues should have made it obvious. There was literally nothing to suggest otherwise! But given I had to spend a long time trying to work out my own status, how could I expect others to spend as much time finding the answer? 

 

My advice to anyone would be not to assume that friends understand that your lack of interest is asexuality. Their familiarity will hopefully lead to them being supportive of you, but until they know for certain, they might just think that you're waiting for 'the one'. Which is okay because that's the paradigm that allosexual culture expects. So long as they accept what you tell them as the reality. 

 

 

 

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This is the thing that really fucks with me.

 

I realized I am asexual.

 

Shouldn't my taste in women have changed?

I mean, it probably doesn't actually effect that at all...but why not?

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If your tastes were real/true, then a realization about yourself wouldn't necessarily change your tastes. 

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Yeah.

I guess I just wish it did.

 

I will always wish I was an asexual who experienced no kind of attraction ever. 

 That said, the realization that the attraction is not sexual has taken away from the anxiety more than I expected.

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On 2/4/2023 at 7:09 PM, morton51 said:

I told two friends last week. I didn't deliberately plan to do so, but there was about six or seven of us out for the day and I felt that if the issue came up then I'd address it head on. It did and they were happy that I felt confident enough to share it with them. It was a positive and supportive experience. Bloke friends being bloke friends (generalisation), I reckon the information will just be shared around and the subject will never be mentioned again!

 

Having shared it with a couple of supportive friends, I didn't find that they *knew* or expected that information - despite me having zero interest in sex or other people for 15 years. That surprised me a little. I know that being ace is not high profile, but felt that all the clues should have made it obvious. There was literally nothing to suggest otherwise! But given I had to spend a long time trying to work out my own status, how could I expect others to spend as much time finding the answer? 

 

My advice to anyone would be not to assume that friends understand that your lack of interest is asexuality. Their familiarity will hopefully lead to them being supportive of you, but until they know for certain, they might just think that you're waiting for 'the one'. Which is okay because that's the paradigm that allosexual culture expects. So long as they accept what you tell them as the reality. 

 

 

 

I'm glad your friends received it well. I'm out to about ten people. Only two are guys and while the one (the first person I told) was fine with it, the other (who I told preemptively after his falling head over heels over a woman at age 55 (a VERY single life before that). He's said some stupid things in the past about me chatting with girls, so I figured he'd come up with something along the lines of, 'So I've got a girlfriend, when are you going to?' I don't think he understood the idea of asexuality. He more or less ghosted his social circle in late 2019. I only recently saw him (along with his brother's family minus the SO) at a celebration of life for a mutual friend of ours. I only spoke briefly with him as we were leaving as they were arriving.

Edited by will123
added 'his'
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On 2/7/2023 at 7:41 AM, 0svvan0 said:

This is the thing that really fucks with me.

 

I realized I am asexual.

 

Shouldn't my taste in women have changed?

I mean, it probably doesn't actually effect that at all...but why not?

 

On 2/7/2023 at 11:52 AM, daveb said:

If your tastes were real/true, then a realization about yourself wouldn't necessarily change your tastes. 

 

16 hours ago, 0svvan0 said:

Yeah.

I guess I just wish it did.

 

I will always wish I was an asexual who experienced no kind of attraction ever. 

 That said, the realization that the attraction is not sexual has taken away from the anxiety more than I expected.

I don't understand why I can have an aesthetic attraction to females (one of the reasons I thought I was straight), but no sexual attraction to them either. For the most part I've lived with it since I identified as asexual, but I had a rough patch about three years ago where it REALLY bothered me. With the help of a couple of others here I was able to work thru it.

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On 2/8/2023 at 7:31 AM, 0svvan0 said:

Yeah.

I guess I just wish it did.

 

I will always wish I was an asexual who experienced no kind of attraction ever. 

 That said, the realization that the attraction is not sexual has taken away from the anxiety more than I expected.

Congrats on finding yourself! It's a journey, for sure.

 

It took me many years of loving support, patience, and self-love to be okay with who I am. But everyone is different. My revelation came right on the heels of a breakup, so it was a horrible concoction of emotions.

Don't lose hope.

 

Speaking of breakups, man. I went through a rough one lately, but I think I've finally let go of those residual feelings. It is nice knowing there's a community and a space for venting. (Also, being a bit of an oldhead, I kind of missed being on a forum.

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I have identified as asexual for well over a decade now and i have never felt like I was the typical male or felt like I needed to fit in. I just did my own thing and never tried to conform. I never felt like I needed to fit in so I was just myself. I never cared what anyone thought.

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On 2/8/2023 at 11:49 PM, will123 said:

 

 

I don't understand why I can have an aesthetic attraction to females (one of the reasons I thought I was straight), but no sexual attraction to them either. For the most part I've lived with it since I identified as asexual, but I had a rough patch about three years ago where it REALLY bothered me. With the help of a couple of others here I was able to work thru it.

 Learning the kinds of attraction can answer a lot of questions, but it can also leave you with more.

 

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yeah its conflicting sometimes imo.

I will occasionally meet some one and think 'wow that person is objectively attractive! too bad i have zero interest in pursuing anything with them'. its certainly a strange thing to try and explain

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J. van Deijck

For me it's more a matter of personality. I find quite a few guys really aesthetically attractive, but if their personalities are bad, I don't want to have anything to do with them. Not even casual contact. 

If someone is nice to me, I might feel I'd like to know them more, but then, the time verifies if they're worth it.

Like this train conductor in Hasselt. Dude was really, really handsome and had a very nice smile, but I've never seen him again, so I just let it go. Or that my favourite taxi driver, we've been talking quite a lot and so I had the chance to know him better, and still I wish he was my friend.

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I find having good chemistry with someone is a really big factor for me. I'll start to find people more attractive if I spend a lot of time with them laughing and joking around, and they match my energy. I definitely agree that a mean personality ruins any interest I may have had in someone, but I also get bored with people easily if they aren't engaging or contribute much.

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J. van Deijck
4 hours ago, aafire said:

I'll start to find people more attractive if I spend a lot of time with them laughing and joking around, and they match my energy.

That too, definitely. 

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13 hours ago, aafire said:

I find having good chemistry with someone is a really big factor for me. I'll start to find people more attractive if I spend a lot of time with them laughing and joking around, and they match my energy.

 

9 hours ago, Baasje said:

That too, definitely. 

I know it was just a TV show, but my thoughts on Seinfeld were, how could anyone want to be around a person like George? The other three main characters were quirky too, but had their good moments too. He just seemed to be a one man buzzkill on so many y levels.

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george is awful but SOMEHOW had charisma to attract many women.

must have had something going for him..

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1 hour ago, aafire said:

must have had something going for him..

writers :P 

 

Wasn't he based on Larry David (Jerry Seinfeld's real life comedy/writing partner at the time)?

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So I just finished moving to a new apartment cross state from where I use to live and was going to a schizophrenia mental health support group to have powwows and the like for the past 4 weeks and another member of the group asked if any of my past significant other relationships have suffered do to it.

 

I was upfront with that I’ve only been in one extremely superficial one and didn’t even kiss. And my mental health was brought up as a lack of confidence in myself(this has happened in the past). And I had to really work up the nerve to tell her that I have never been romantically and sexually interested for all of my recallable life. She seemed really confused by that. Asking if I suffer from sociopathy(inability to feel empathy). I felt like she was dehumanizing me with how she worded it. That being asexual is something as life altering as sociopathy? I’m simply a guy who’s happy to live a life with good friends and good conversations. Just can’t seem to meet many people who get ahold of how I view my life as being good overall. 

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2 hours ago, aafire said:

george is awful but SOMEHOW had charisma to attract many women.

must have had something going for him..

As a friend would say about guys that puzzled you as to how they had a hot looking girlfriend, 'Have you ever seen him wearing shorts?'

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J. van Deijck

I've never seen Seinfeld in my life, so I can't add aything that would make sense :lol:

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14 hours ago, will123 said:

As a friend would say about guys that puzzled you as to how they had a hot looking girlfriend, 'Have you ever seen him wearing shorts?'

I'm not sure what difference that would make, and I'm not sure I want to know. :P 

(even if it's just something superficial such as they like how his legs look)

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58 minutes ago, daveb said:

I'm not sure what difference that would make, and I'm not sure I want to know. :P 

(even if it's just something superficial such as they like how his legs look)

It's got nothing to do with his legs...

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J. van Deijck
28 minutes ago, will123 said:

It's got nothing to do with his legs...

Spoiler

...third leg? :ph34r:

 

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yeah, pretty much. I'm convinced George had some secret pheromone scent thing that made him irresistible when combined with his uh.. physical prowress

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On 3/1/2023 at 2:02 AM, daveb said:

writers :P 

 

Wasn't he based on Larry David (Jerry Seinfeld's real life comedy/writing partner at the time)?

Seems like a clear-cut case of wish fulfillment to me, like harem protags in anime. Though admittedly I haven't watched the show or had much experience in rl relations.

 

On 3/1/2023 at 2:31 AM, Khaycee said:

So I just finished moving to a new apartment cross state from where I use to live and was going to a schizophrenia mental health support group to have powwows and the like for the past 4 weeks and another member of the group asked if any of my past significant other relationships have suffered do to it.

 

I was upfront with that I’ve only been in one extremely superficial one and didn’t even kiss. And my mental health was brought up as a lack of confidence in myself(this has happened in the past). And I had to really work up the nerve to tell her that I have never been romantically and sexually interested for all of my recallable life. She seemed really confused by that. Asking if I suffer from sociopathy(inability to feel empathy). I felt like she was dehumanizing me with how she worded it. That being asexual is something as life altering as sociopathy? I’m simply a guy who’s happy to live a life with good friends and good conversations. Just can’t seem to meet many people who get ahold of how I view my life as being good overall. 

Romance, and by extension sex is very important to some people. Just like at the industry and fiction surrounding it. When you told her you never had any romantic or sexual interest, it must have boggled her mind. You being in a mental health support group facilitated her assumption of a lack of empathy on your part.

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On 2/28/2023 at 9:31 PM, Khaycee said:

So I just finished moving to a new apartment cross state from where I use to live and was going to a schizophrenia mental health support group to have powwows and the like for the past 4 weeks and another member of the group asked if any of my past significant other relationships have suffered do to it.

 

I was upfront with that I’ve only been in one extremely superficial one and didn’t even kiss. And my mental health was brought up as a lack of confidence in myself(this has happened in the past). And I had to really work up the nerve to tell her that I have never been romantically and sexually interested for all of my recallable life. She seemed really confused by that. Asking if I suffer from sociopathy(inability to feel empathy). I felt like she was dehumanizing me with how she worded it. That being asexual is something as life altering as sociopathy? I’m simply a guy who’s happy to live a life with good friends and good conversations. Just can’t seem to meet many people who get ahold of how I view my life as being good overall. 

its wild to me as an aroace person that people will not understand that you can have a fulfilling life without being in a sexual or romantic relationship. i feel like you being in a mental health support group contributed to that reaction from her, but its still a bit out of left field. (it sounds like she didn't know what asexuality was, but i might be misreading this). i do think that theres a lot of people out there (even allo people) who'd relate to feeling the pressures of a pretty sexual and romantic relationship-focused society, though.

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  • 3 weeks later...

The other day I got an ad for Plenty Of Fish on Faceplant. My 'player' friend was constantly pestering me to sign up back before I found out about asexuality. I just put him off by saying I was busy with my personal stuff and working shifts...

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So my friend dropped off a little care package as if I've been self-isolating with COVID. I sent a picture of it to my family WhatsApp group, as I live in a different city to my family, and my mum always worries about me when I'm sick. I then had this amusing text conversation with my sister:

 

Sis: Who’s the friend?

Me: A friend from dancing

Sis: Guy or girl?

Me: Girl. Most of my friends are. 😂

Sis: That’s because we’re the best

Sis: Only a girl would be that thoughtful

Sis: Romantic?

Me: She has a boyfriend that she lives with, so no. 😂

Sis: Haha k ok k

Sis: Seeing anyone at the moment?

Me: Nope.

 

I just found it quite amusing how if someone does something nice for a friend, people immediately assume it's romantic (especially if they are friends of opposite genders).

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  • 2 weeks later...
spaghetti_and_meatballs

Early in high school I remember being approached by a few of my classmates who told me a supposedly really "hot" girl was into me (a high school senior, they gave me her name). They kept talking about how I was so lucky and that I had to go meet her and all that. Part of me then and now believe it was a cruel joke since I had just started high school in a new city (and therefore had no friends, but I wasn't bullied either...) I was either 13 or 14. One of a couple stories I can think of that happened around that time. I didn't think I was ace then, but looking back it was crystal clear! 

 

A couple years later everyone thought I was gay since I didn't want a girlfriend and didn't seem to express any interest. I brushed it off then and realized how silly the whole thing was. I moved to another school shortly before graduation so I don't really know what happened to all those people.

 

Ironically I kind of had a romantic interest in a girl during the time, though me being grey romantic and romance averse (kissing and extensive physical touch are a big no for me) I definitely made sure not to pursue anything. Even now I think high school dating is kind of pointless honestly. 

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