Sexual Compromise & Support

[Acelogical]

(deleted)

[Down in Texas]

Possible TMI

Getting turned on for me as a sexual female only means how much I love my partner and how special he makes me feel! As a woman he never knows I am turned on since for a woman that means we get wet. He will never know because in a cuddle session he won't reach for me to find out. That you are talking about this is just fine, yet I feel you should not hold it against him just because he may get hard. That does not mean he will act on it. If you can not trust your partner to be truthful with you on something this simple then How do you trust him when you are not around him? TRUST is the foundation to most relationships and if feeling his erection only means to you "OH watch out here comes SEX!" then you will never be comfortable in his arms at any point. This leaves you out on a much deeper level, how do you ever find a way to relax and except his LOVE? There have been many times that my asexual husband can and does get turned on while fully clothed while we stand embracing and kissing. Yet he can't once he is in bed and tries. I have often teased him and told him I was going to cut a hole in his clothes and we both laugh and just continue to enjoy the hug as it was intended at the time then walk away from each other. Cuddles in bed or elsewhere should be the same and can be if you allow it and Trust!

Once children came into our lives sex was a behind closed and locked doors session. Therefore hugs that caused him a hard felt good to me. For me it showed he cared and loved me even though I as the sexual then thought it would go further once night time came and yet it often didn't and that left me longing. Yet that was all before I knew about asexuality. Now I can look back and understand more. However it doesn't not remove the pain of the past. It is helping to now allow for some healing but like any wound that is deep it takes more than just a short period of time and for me is a slow process just like healing an infected wound that has gone years without treatment.

My suggestion is to buy a pair of pajamas NOT a GOWN that can clearly say cuddle time no sex when it's worn. Then you may wear your regular night wear any other time. For me as a sexual I sleep in as little as possible, loose and baggy for easy access and no undergarments. Because if he gets in the mood I don't want to slow down the process. However that is me as a sexual.

I hope you can find a way to enjoy cuddle time, a way to allow your partner to express his Love for you and a way for you to relax and KNOW that cuddle will remain Cuddle unless YOU wish it to change! Good Luck going forward. TALK and see if you may find a way you can work out some way to acknowledge to him that it is safe on your side and what he needs to do to make you feel safe.

[Mikah]

POSSIBLE TMI

So, this is a bit hard for me.

I am in a relationship with an asexual young woman. She is awesome and I love her dearly. I certainly want to make this work. I have just one massive problem. I'm a very sexual being. I love sex and intimacy and the whole shebang. she understands sex and intimacy very well. she likes sex as a concept but when presented with it, she is not at a place where she can go there or do that.

I understand that she just needs to figure out what she wants and needs and is willing to do, but what do i do? Is my part of the compromise to just wait? It's so hard to talk about because i'm scared. It may very well be that she just doesn't want to talk about it or it may make her uncomfortable. I just feel so awkward because i don't want to pressure her but i want a definitive answer on whether or not there will be able to be any other kind of compromise. I just don't know how to present that without making her feel pressured or put on the spot.

this is an update.

So, as we've talked more and as she's discovered more about herself, she has decided that that she and I will never have sex.

On the one hand, I couldn't be happier for her. She's taken this very difficult step in knowing herself. moreover, she's trusting me with knowing that. I know that for her, the talks we have and the secrets we she are at least as intimate for her as any sexual act is for me. I am truly honored. and as I think about it more, the more I find myself in love with her. On the other, I'm screaming internally. As I mentioned before, I'm very sexual. It breaks my heart that I will always know her soul but that I'll never actually be aware of what her skin feels like (seriously hoping that's not creepy to say -.-). What can I do to relieve this? masturbation doesn't help. and I can't just count to ten. It just feel like I'm lying to myself when I hold it in.

I feel selfish and entitled. I feel like I'm being unfair because I have a high level of sexual attraction for her. I love her, I just am very, very sexually frustrated. and that somehow turns into a feeling of "lovesick," (I suppose is the best way to put it).

[Sally]

You are not selfish or "entitled" and you're not being unfair. You are simply feeling what is normal for you: wanting to have sex with someone you love, and knowing that that's not going to happen. She feels what is normal for her: not wanting sex. You're both being who you are, and very unfortunately, there's that huge difference between you.

She's been admirably honest with you, and either you've told her how you feel, or she already knows. The decision you'll have to make is a big one for both of you. Can you stay together with that big difference? Can you be friends without any expectations of a romantic relationship (and realizing that you, Mikah, might need to establish another relationship)? Can you agree that it would be best if neither of you felt this pain anymore, and decided to give up the relationship? That will be very hard, and I wish you luck. Please let us know how it goes.

[brassyhub]

This is my first post here. Last May, my wife came out to me and to herself as a lesbian, after 33 years of marriage. I searched here for any posts on 'Mixed Orientation Marriages' and found none. That's what I discover I have been. So we went from a low sex marriage to a no sex one. And it now seems that my wife is basically asexual. She doesn't desire me, but she doesn't desire anyone else either. She's content with the good relationship that we have, the happy life that we share. And I am desperate for some form of sexual connection, some of that total giving to each other. I've always been patient, but my patience is running out. Is it possible for an asexual lesbian to find some compromise with her male partner? Put like this, it seems uniquely. If only I could find how to become asexual too. I've talked to my therapist about the possibility of drugs to reduce or eliminate MY libido, since there seems to be so little hope of doing anything to arouse her's. Are there any other straight men in relationships with asexual lesbians?

[Coolwhoami]

This is my first post here. Last May, my wife came out to me and to herself as a lesbian, after 33 years of marriage. I searched here for any posts on 'Mixed Orientation Marriages' and found none. That's what I discover I have been. So we went from a low sex marriage to a no sex one. And it now seems that my wife is basically asexual. She doesn't desire me, but she doesn't desire anyone else either. She's content with the good relationship that we have, the happy life that we share. And I am desperate for some form of sexual connection, some of that total giving to each other. I've always been patient, but my patience is running out. Is it possible for an asexual lesbian to find some compromise with her male partner? Put like this, it seems uniquely. If only I could find how to become asexual too. I've talked to my therapist about the possibility of drugs to reduce or eliminate MY libido, since there seems to be so little hope of doing anything to arouse her's. Are there any other straight men in relationships with asexual lesbians?

I have a friend who is in a marriage somewhat similar to yours, but they have managed to compromise about it (though I am not privy to the details, but I do know their relationship is open). If she is not interested in compromising, then you need to talk about alternatives, especially if sex is important to you. She may simply be OK with the situation as it stands and is happy enough with the relationship and everything else that it overcomes other desires for her. Communication is the most important place to start.

I can't see there being many married straight men here in general, let alone those in your situation. I would suggest looking at forums that have many lesbian or gay members, as you are likely to at least find someone who has shared your experience and may be able to offer more specific advice (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/ had a couple of threads of gay individuals married to straight ones, so I think this would be a place to investigate). Alternatively, looking at forums that discuss marriages in general might be fruitful (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/ this seems like it might be a good place to try).

[brassyhub]

This is my first post here. Last May, my wife came out to me and to herself as a lesbian, after 33 years of marriage. I searched here for any posts on 'Mixed Orientation Marriages' and found none. That's what I discover I have been. So we went from a low sex marriage to a no sex one. And it now seems that my wife is basically asexual. She doesn't desire me, but she doesn't desire anyone else either. She's content with the good relationship that we have, the happy life that we share. And I am desperate for some form of sexual connection, some of that total giving to each other. I've always been patient, but my patience is running out. Is it possible for an asexual lesbian to find some compromise with her male partner? Put like this, it seems uniquely. If only I could find how to become asexual too. I've talked to my therapist about the possibility of drugs to reduce or eliminate MY libido, since there seems to be so little hope of doing anything to arouse her's. Are there any other straight men in relationships with asexual lesbians?

I have a friend who is in a marriage somewhat similar to yours, but they have managed to compromise about it (though I am not privy to the details, but I do know their relationship is open). If she is not interested in compromising, then you need to talk about alternatives, especially if sex is important to you. She may simply be OK with the situation as it stands and is happy enough with the relationship and everything else that it overcomes other desires for her. Communication is the most important place to start.

I can't see there being many married straight men here in general, let alone those in your situation. I would suggest looking at forums that have many lesbian or gay members, as you are likely to at least find someone who has shared your experience and may be able to offer more specific advice (http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/ had a couple of threads of gay individuals married to straight ones, so I think this would be a place to investigate). Alternatively, looking at forums that discuss marriages in general might be fruitful (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/ this seems like it might be a good place to try).

I may lurk here a while - but I want to understand asexuals better. I wholly understand that if my wife is really a lesbian (and not bi-) then she cannot feel any desire for me. What I find it a lot harder to understand is why she shows no desire to understand her sexuality or her lack of it better. I would have no problem with her exploring her lesbian desires. I've suggested lesbian erotic films (not porn), love-stories; sex-toys, getting in touch with the local lesbian community just to relate to other lesbians socially. Nada.

[Lady Girl]

Hi brassyhub! You are most definitely welcome to lurk or post here on AVEN. I think it's possible that you will be able to relate to some of the relationship conversations in this forum in particular.

I think it's nice of you to let her know that you are comfortable letting her explore the lesbian aspects she has intimated that she has. I also think it's normal if she doesn't do that. She has indicated that she's happy with how things are so I think that means she has no desire to search elsewhere or even become involved with others.

It seems perhaps you would like permission to have an outside relationship? Have you asked her about that possibility?

[Oneness]

I may lurk here a while - but I want to understand asexuals better. I wholly understand that if my wife is really a lesbian (and not bi-) then she cannot feel any desire for me. What I find it a lot harder to understand is why she shows no desire to understand her sexuality or her lack of it better. I would have no problem with her exploring her lesbian desires. I've suggested lesbian erotic films (not porn), love-stories; sex-toys, getting in touch with the local lesbian community just to relate to other lesbians socially. Nada.

If she is asexual lesbian but in a relationship with you, what is there to explore? Sounds kind of really complicated. Obviously she is happy with you and does not feel lack of anything and does not feel the need to explore. Maybe you indeed are the one, who should start to explore because you are not happy.

So is she romantically into women, sexually to no one and in love with a man, with you? It is hard to understand, what is there for her to explore IF she is asexual and does not desire sex with any genre. You know that asexuality means lack of sexual attractions towards anyone?

For other people who have written to this topic: I have noticed also that for even sexual person, it might be difficult to have sex with asexual because it turns them off too ,when other person is not really into it(even if asexual would compromise). Somebody already mentioned that many people gets more from giving and pleasing than only for taking and receiving.

I had a short relationship with sexual man and he was not much after he's own pleasure but wanted to please me, also he liked to cuddle and just lie down close, which was fine but other vice I was just like an observer. He did felt my lack of involvement and often could not and felt no interest to continue himself either. He tried everything to make me exited and I tried to remain open but in deep down I was not really interested. Sex is just not the thing what makes me exited.

I think something as intimate as sex should be pleasurable for both parties, other vice there is no meaning in it.

Anyhow, I could not imagine to continue that relationship long, because we were just too different in that way and it is better for both to be happy and fullfilled in our own lives. We are still n touch, as a friends.

Overall, I can't see myself compromising....unless I fall in love so much that I have no choice. Neither I would not want anyone else be living unfullfilling life, against their own feelings and needs, because of me (unless it would be their own conscious choice). Quite often to get any relationship work, there must be quite strong common ground that to happen.

For those people who have long marriage or relationship behind them already, it is of course totally different story because then you have already so much history and probably other things together and emotional attachment so on. I have no advices but wish you all luck.

I also feel little bit sad myself because as a asexual I feel I have to always pull myself lot of back when meeting people because I dont want to end up to any complicated situation anymore. I wish all people could just be freely themselves, all friends and fall in love with their own terms without too many requirements and expectations, what the relationship should be like and inclue. 1% of asexuals from all people is quite little.

[Sally]

brassyhub, on 11 Jul 2014 - 11:46 PM, said:

I may lurk here a while - but I want to understand asexuals better. I wholly understand that if my wife is really a lesbian (and not bi-) then she cannot feel any desire for me. What I find it a lot harder to understand is why she shows no desire to understand her sexuality or her lack of it better. I would have no problem with her exploring her lesbian desires. I've suggested lesbian erotic films (not porn), love-stories; sex-toys, getting in touch with the local lesbian community just to relate to other lesbians socially. Nada.

It's up to her to decide what, if anything, she wants to explore. If she says doesn't want to, then you should believe her and not push her.

[brassyhub]

I don't push her, or I haven't. But I'm not at all sure that she has any idea of the hell that this puts me through. The compromises so far are ALL on my side. She seems to be asexual - and we don't have sex. Haven't even tried for many months now. And yes, for me sex isn't just about sexual release. It's about giving and sharing, pleasure and our deepest selves.

The two links that Coolwhoami posted have so far only produced much advice to head for the door and start a new life with another partner, which is NOT what I want. What I want are ideas for how to make staying together a happier option for us both... but perhaps I'm dreaming, and it's just not possible. And I'll have to follow another thread here on how sexuals can kill their desire to have a happier life with an asexaul!

[Lady Girl]

I don't push her, or I haven't. But I'm not at all sure that she has any idea of the hell that this puts me through. The compromises so far are ALL on my side. She seems to be asexual - and we don't have sex. Haven't even tried for many months now. And yes, for me sex isn't just about sexual release. It's about giving and sharing, pleasure and our deepest selves.

The two links that Coolwhoami posted have so far only produced much advice to head for the door and start a new life with another partner, which is NOT what I want. What I want are ideas for how to make staying together a happier option for us both... but perhaps I'm dreaming, and it's just not possible. And I'll have to follow another thread here on how sexuals can kill their desire to have a happier life with an asexaul!

I know there is a terribly negative sexless marriage site that I imagine may be one of those links. I was really disappointed with that site as well.

My husband and I no longer have sex either. We tried a variety of different compromises for years and for me personally, the thing that has helped me the most has been to realize that if I want to stay with him (which I do) we are clearly going to be in a non traditional style relationship. For me this now means intimacy without sex...sharing our life together, and yes we are monogamous. You mentioned that sex is about giving and sharing, pleasure and our deepest selves. I feel that I have that with my husband without sex; I trust him the most, feel most comfortable with him, I can count on him. We have a great deal of intimacy on an emotional and an intellectual level.

For me, I decided to give celibacy a real chance. I don't masturbate, I never cared for it. I had a lot of bad days when I was waiting for and wanting more sex, during our years of compromising. I've had a few difficult times in this first year of living without sex and when I do I know it won't last long (my husband is well aware that it's a struggle for me at times...in those moments he feels as though he's failed me...we both suffer). I tend to think that most of our feelings just are, we can't help but feel certain ways. However, I do believe we can influence our feelings to an extent by how we think about things. So I don't entertain thoughts of being short-changed, making a huge sacrifice for him, or other thoughts which are just negative sides of a rather simple fact...we don't have sex. We did at one time, now we don't. Comparing our relationship to other people's is pointless, we aren't them.

[Coolwhoami]

I know there is a terribly negative sexless marriage site that I imagine may be one of those links. I was really disappointed with that site as well.

Oof, is that is the case my apologies.

[Pashionet]

This is my first post here, and I'm not sure where to start. There might be TMI in this post but that's all up to the reader to decide. I've read some things on this site that have enlightened me a bit as to my situation. I have told my partner that I don't experience sexual arousal, but not in the way of saying I'm asexual as I'm just kind of figuring this out for myself.

I haven't really decided where I stand yet with my sexuality, but I'm leaning toward graysexual. That seems to describe me best in my opinion. I have been dating a very sexual guy, let's call him Steve, for several years now. When we started going out, I was sexual; I lost my virginity to him. At some point in the relationship I decided that he was being a bit controlling and I wanted out so we broke up and I saw some other guys. I ended up pregnant, and the guy I was with at the time left me. I didn't talk to Steve my entire pregnancy and after I had my baby girl, who is the love of my life, we reconciled and ended up back together. At some point, my body decided it didn't need or want to have sex anymore, and that's fine with me really. I couldn't be bothered. But Steve on the other hand is still very sexual and wants to be intimate in that way. I've told him that I have no desire to have sex, and he takes it personally, even after I've explained it's not him. It is such a cliche phrase, "It's not you, it's me." But that's the case and he can't understand it. At one point I asked him to be abstinent until we were married because I felt if we were married It would feel more special in some way and he agreed, but that lasted all of 2 minutes. I don't know if it will be any different if we were married. It's always him who initiates sex, and I allow it because I want him to be happy, but I'm getting tired of it. It's turned into a chore for me, it doesn't do anything for me, I'm just not interested. A good portion of the time its unpleasent cause I'm not aroused and things get dry. (Yes, TMI) I have no idea how to explain any of this to him. When I tell him that I don't want sex he starts to feel bad and starts beating himself up cause he starts to feel like he's been raping me that whole time. And it takes a hit to our relationship. We've been trying to make it work and for the most part we just kind of coast along pretending nothings wrong, but we know we have a lot to work out. We just don't know what though.

I'm not even sure what I need to explain/say to him. I love him, and I want it to work but I don't know how to make it work.

Sorry for the long story. I just don't know.

[Lady Girl]

I know there is a terribly negative sexless marriage site that I imagine may be one of those links. I was really disappointed with that site as well.

Oof, is that is the case my apologies.

I double checked again...I wasn't sure the first time I checked your links. Neither was the one I was thinking. It's always good to look around a bit anyway, I was really happy to know AVEN supports both partners after I did! :)

@Pashionet...it might be time for both of you to think about how those feelings you're both having look like over time and into the future. It seems as though a real honest talk about how you're both feeling and no more pretending nothing's wrong is in order. It may be that together you can come to some kind of happy medium...both of you could be honest about your limits (your maximum, his minimum). (TMI) As for dryness, have you tried lubricants?

[Percivel]

Passionet, LG is right, it's a good idea to talk about those things with your man.

LG and all, I have two thoughts/questions. First, it does often feel like the sexual takes the brunt of the hardships of mixed couples. For me it is a daily challenge. Even though I have good days and bad days...it's a daily challenge. I have to wrestle with it to some degree every day. It also frequently seems that my wife goes on her merry day without a care or thought of my sex and intimacy needs. These days though, she seems much more sensitive to it than she used to (even though we are having even less sex than we used to because i am "handling it" better). The problem is...her being sensitive to me means she often doesn't appear to be as happy. It's like she is frequently walking on eggshells around me. This shows me she's being compassionate and understanding...but seemingly at a cost.

Secondly, I am more frequently thinking about becoming celibate....in an effort to decrease my anxiety and hopefully decrease my ace's anxiety. I suppose me becoming celibate would be not so much as making a vow of celibacy but more of having an attitude of celibacy....where I would just have absolutely no sexual expectations. And if sex does happen..... well, it would be a bonus! A little treat! The problem is I am afraid to go there.

[Pashionet]

@LG (TMI) Its come up in conversation a couple times but we haven't tried any lube yet. I hope to talk to him about the discoveries I've made about myself in hopes we figure out how to proceed.

[Lady Girl]

First, it does often feel like the sexual takes the brunt of the hardships of mixed couples. For me it is a daily challenge. Even though I have good days and bad days...it's a daily challenge. I have to wrestle with it to some degree every day. It also frequently seems that my wife goes on her merry day without a care or thought of my sex and intimacy needs.

The problem is...her being sensitive to me means she often doesn't appear to be as happy. It's like she is frequently walking on eggshells around me. This shows me she's being compassionate and understanding...but seemingly at a cost.

Secondly, I am more frequently thinking about becoming celibate....in an effort to decrease my anxiety and hopefully decrease my ace's anxiety. I suppose me becoming celibate would be not so much as making a vow of celibacy but more of having an attitude of celibacy....where I would just have absolutely no sexual expectations. And if sex does happen..... well, it would be a bonus! A little treat! The problem is I am afraid to go there.

I don't think the sexual takes the brunt of the hardships in the relationship. I think that it's impossible for me to know his feelings and thoughts...he doesn't put them on display like I do. I agree with you though, it has seemed that it's harder for me, but when I think about having sex if I really didn't want to and be enthusiastic about it, then I know with all my heart it's not been harder for me.

To the first issue, I would say they aren't oblivious to our feelings, but I think (in my case for sure) they might deal with it in a couple of ways...much like we do with upsets in our spouses lives. One way is to try to be upbeat and help bring the other person up, another is to show how sad we are about their problem. Sometimes those reactions work sometimes they don't (regardless of who is doing it and for whatever reason). I don't think we always plan or think about these things, but rather we make efforts to either make our lives together happy again or show some sympathy...whichever we seem able to do or seems best at the time.

To the second...I was afraid to commit to celibacy too. I think it felt like surrender or something to me. When I finally just sort of actually did it, it wasn't horrible at all. I wrote this about it in another thread just recently:

Ultimately, after 27 years of marriage, I decided to give celibacy a whirl. I have been quite surprised at how happy I am with this option. It turned out to be the best one by far and has been much easier than I anticipated it would be. It's been just over a year of that now and I hope I will be able to continue. I haven't resented him or felt like I'm missing sex much either...which has been a total surprise to me.

I do still get a bit bothered at times, but it is short lived and not near as traumatic as these episodes used to be for me. I used to do a lot of crying and time wasting while feeling sorry for myself. I also used to get really angry and wasn't very nice to him about it. I've always been sorry for that.

I don't feel like we are just friends or brother and sister because of the kind of relationship we have...I imagine some older couples who no longer have sex still feel like husband and wife, why wouldn't we? I'm in my mid ish 40s and he's 51 so we are probably older than you, but still quite young to be sexless. We struggled with this for a lot of years and I'm happier that we don't so much now.

I feel like we make a great pair, and I also feel like we have a very intimate relationship, just not in the traditional sense. It's helped me a lot to realize that I don't need to compare myself to other couples or listen to what society says makes a relationship healthy. A non traditional personalized relationship is working great for us.

[Percivel]

I am currently looking at celibacy as kind of like jumping out of an airplane with a parachute. It scares the crap out of me because I think I will first scream my fool head off like a little school girl, then wet myself, then throw up, all in mid air, get tangled in the ropes and finally go splat onto the ground in a big ugly mess. What you are telling me is, in your experience,......to trust the parachute?

[Lady Girl]

Sorry I'm so late getting back to this! Well, it wasn't really scary so much to me as it was about pride and entitlement. I was clinging to the idea that sex was the only way to be intimate and that it just has to be that way. Celibacy has eliminated the hoping for/waiting for sex...that used to make me upset. I think that's why I decided to do it, I was getting real tired of that aspect of me...relying on sex for my happiness.

[Sally]

Percivel, on 15 Jul 2014 - 04:23 AM, said:

I am currently looking at celibacy as kind of like jumping out of an airplane with a parachute. It scares the crap out of me because I think I will first scream my fool head off like a little school girl, then wet myself, then throw up, all in mid air, get tangled in the ropes and finally go splat onto the ground in a big ugly mess. What you are telling me is, in your experience,......to trust the parachute?

That analogy bothers me a bit, since although a sexual who's celibate may feel very unhappy about it, but unlike people whose parachutes fail, the celibate's not going to die.

[Lady Girl]

Percivel, on 15 Jul 2014 - 04:23 AM, said:

I am currently looking at celibacy as kind of like jumping out of an airplane with a parachute. It scares the crap out of me because I think I will first scream my fool head off like a little school girl, then wet myself, then throw up, all in mid air, get tangled in the ropes and finally go splat onto the ground in a big ugly mess. What you are telling me is, in your experience,......to trust the parachute?

That analogy bothers me a bit, since although a sexual who's celibate may feel very unhappy about it, but unlike people whose parachutes fail, the celibate's not going to die.

I personally feel like it's more about just giving something up and seeing how it goes. That's what it was like for me anyway. There was more of a psychological roadblock preventing me from doing it for awhile...not really a feeling of "what will happen to me?"

I honestly can't even think of a reasonable analogy. The only thing I can truly say is that I realized it was no longer a good thing in my relationship (sexual compromise just wasn't working for either of us anymore), I wanted to stay with him (and be happy), so therefore celibacy seemed to be the next thing to try.

[brassyhub]

Thank you, Lady Girl. Not good advice, but sharing from your experience. I honestly wish that I could get to where you are at - but I fear that it may be harder for a man. Masturbation is my only outlet; but I may get there. What worries me is that my wife has used two terms that suggest that she is not as happy as she looks. She's used the word 'resigned' and she's said that we're the prisoners of past choices. I'm not resigned to living in a prison, and she should not be either. Perhaps we can find some common will to escape!

I don't push her, or I haven't. But I'm not at all sure that she has any idea of the hell that this puts me through. The compromises so far are ALL on my side. She seems to be asexual - and we don't have sex. Haven't even tried for many months now. And yes, for me sex isn't just about sexual release. It's about giving and sharing, pleasure and our deepest selves.
The two links that Coolwhoami posted have so far only produced much advice to head for the door and start a new life with another partner, which is NOT what I want. What I want are ideas for how to make staying together a happier option for us both... but perhaps I'm dreaming, and it's just not possible. And I'll have to follow another thread here on how sexuals can kill their desire to have a happier life with an asexaul!

I know there is a terribly negative sexless marriage site that I imagine may be one of those links. I was really disappointed with that site as well.

My husband and I no longer have sex either. We tried a variety of different compromises for years and for me personally, the thing that has helped me the most has been to realize that if I want to stay with him (which I do) we are clearly going to be in a non traditional style relationship. For me this now means intimacy without sex...sharing our life together, and yes we are monogamous. You mentioned that sex is about giving and sharing, pleasure and our deepest selves. I feel that I have that with my husband without sex; I trust him the most, feel most comfortable with him, I can count on him. We have a great deal of intimacy on an emotional and an intellectual level.

For me, I decided to give celibacy a real chance. I don't masturbate, I never cared for it. I had a lot of bad days when I was waiting for and wanting more sex, during our years of compromising. I've had a few difficult times in this first year of living without sex and when I do I know it won't last long (my husband is well aware that it's a struggle for me at times...in those moments he feels as though he's failed me...we both suffer). I tend to think that most of our feelings just are, we can't help but feel certain ways. However, I do believe we can influence our feelings to an extent by how we think about things. So I don't entertain thoughts of being short-changed, making a huge sacrifice for him, or other thoughts which are just negative sides of a rather simple fact...we don't have sex. We did at one time, now we don't. Comparing our relationship to other people's is pointless, we aren't them.

[Lady Girl]

I hope you do escape that prison...I do know what it's like to feel trapped. I guess that's why I went the route I did, I hated feeling that way and celibacy was kind of my second to last option (breaking up being the last, and we already tried that once).

I don't know if it's easier for women, different maybe.

[Ace Griff]

I'm an asexual but I have a question for sexuals. Can I ask it here?

[MJ_79]

I don't think it's necessarily easier for women so much, as it is that many women may be more likely to give celibacy a shot because of how society portrays sexuality to begin with. In so many ways, we are shown (inaccurately) from a young age that men must have sex, they always think about sex, they'll do anything to get sex, whereas women are portrayed as not wanting sex (I have a headache), being more 'modest', etc. Women who are open about being sexual beings are often vilified and looked upon as though they are wanton, have loose morals, and so on. So, in a position of being in a heterosexual relationship where the male has limited or no sexual desire, I'd imagine many women would likely feel as though they had no choice but to be celibate, or be seen as less of a person. In the opposite situation, because men are portrayed as intensely sexual beings and much of society deems that as being the norm, there is less of a sense of indecency and more of a sense of entitlement than would be seen on the other side of the equation.

Does that make sense? It did, in my head

[MJ_79]

I'm an asexual but I have a question for sexuals. Can I ask it here?

Have at it - or, if you prefer, there is a thread specifically for those types of questions :) http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/13175-the-asexual-sexual-q-a-thread/

[Percivel]

Percivel, on 15 Jul 2014 - 04:23 AM, said:

I am currently looking at celibacy as kind of like jumping out of an airplane with a parachute. It scares the crap out of me because I think I will first scream my fool head off like a little school girl, then wet myself, then throw up, all in mid air, get tangled in the ropes and finally go splat onto the ground in a big ugly mess. What you are telling me is, in your experience,......to trust the parachute?

That analogy bothers me a bit, since although a sexual who's celibate may feel very unhappy about it, but unlike people whose parachutes fail, the celibate's not going to die.

Actual potential death was not the point of my analogy, My fears, my limitations, and the risk of failure were my intended points. For me, parachuting is quite a scary thing as is the thought of becoming celibate.

What I'm trying to do now is each time I feel the need or desire for sexual intimacy is I repeatedly say to myself over and over "Do not expect anything! Do not expect anything! Do not expect anything!" until I am able to distract myself and think or do something else. It's not easy and It's not a complete attitude of celibacy but a step towards it. I'm hoping it will lead me to be able to make the decision to have a full attitude of celibacy.

[Laura99]

For us compromise means that I give up sex all together and never bring it up. There is no intimacy. I feel sad and alone....2 years, 2 months, 19 days, and counting.....

[Percivel]

I'm sorry Laura. It is hard for me to even imagine that. I guess that's why I'm really struggling with trying to have an "attitude of celibacy." After only a short while I start feeling miserable and I really can't seem to control it. I feel fortunate to even get the little sex and intimacy that I do get. Two years is a very long time. How do you stay sane?