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Sexual Compromise & Support


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This conscious avoiding of turn ons feels so sad though :(

I am constantly looking for them to do anything and all I can to make sex happen.

Isn't it possible to compensate for the lack of sex while getting involved in things not necessarily outside marriage but on your own? Like watching porn, getting off and such?

Again - as a person with a very weird perception of sex I might not know what I'm talking about but I kind of like solitary things, I love porn too. Not all of it is connected to my relationship though.

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Are there any sexuals that have successfully turned off all sexuality for their asexual lover? I would like to know if it's possible in any kind of way.

If by "turned off" you mean "deactivated" as in "no longer there", my personal experience is that I haven't. Apart from medical intervention (castration being the obvious radical example for males), deactivating sexuality is no more possible than deactivating one's urge to eat.

But if you mean, "suppressed" it -- yes, I have. During our 33 marriage, I have often abstained from sex (at various periods for as long as four months, and once for an entire year) or severely limited frequency of requesting sex (say, down to a half-hour session once every two weeks). For a reference point, my ideal would be at least four times a week for at least two hours a session.

By the way -- I'm someone with a much-higher-than-average capacity of self-control and willpower. (Genetics, I believe). I'm able to apply that self-control in other areas of my life as well (decades of consistently controlling my nutrition and doing resistance workouts and exercise, for examples) at levels I observe most others don't. So, while I've been able to suppress my sexuality despite being a highly Sexual, I don't assume that others should be able to suppress theirs as successfully as me. I may be an anomaly.

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This conscious avoiding of turn ons feels so sad though :(

I am constantly looking for them to do anything and all I can to make sex happen.

Isn't it possible to compensate for the lack of sex while getting involved in things not necessarily outside marriage but on your own? Like watching porn, getting off and such?

Again - as a person with a very weird perception of sex I might not know what I'm talking about but I kind of like solitary things, I love porn too. Not all of it is connected to my relationship though.

I think the reply I gave you, back in Post #294, might shed some light on your question, Nodare. For some Sexuals, yes, erotica and masturbation satisfy their needs to varying levels. However, for those of us Sexuals for whom sex is inseparably integral with communicating/connecting with a partner, solitary sex amounts to what talking to yourself or being honest to yourself accomplishes when what you need is to talk with your partner and share honestly with your partner: nothing. Solo activity leaves us unsatisfied, emotionally unfulfilled, relationally hollow, sometimes feeling worse.

Speaking frankly here...in the last nearly four decades of my life, even though I am a highly Sexual, I have rarely masturbated solo, because it just doesn't work for me. Masturbation for me is a bit like half a glass of lukewarm water when what I need is a full-course meal. Pornography/erotica (and, believe me, I've seen EVERY kind) has always likewise done next to zero for me -- I'd rather watch the news. Without interaction with a partner, my arousal/response seems to disconnect. For comparison -- WITH a partner, masturbation is one among the many sexual activities I enjoy and erotica is one of the "toys" I introduce at times.

During our decades-long search for answers to our sexual disparity, my Asexual spouse and I experimented with probably anything you might think of, including swinging and open marriage. Consequently, I've had many extra-marital partners through those decades, so have had opportunity to learn much about how my sexuality functions. For me, it's been consistent: my psychology is such that I need a partner present with whom I can sexually interact and engage. Solitary masturbation and/or erotica don't meet my need in any significant way. I wish they could! Heheh...indeed, my wife and I find it amusingly ironic that what some women lament -- that their husbands neglect them sexually in favor of being hooked on internet porn -- would in our marriage solve most of our disparity problem if I was able to masturbate to porn!

Perhaps more ironically, in many other areas of life I DO prefer, even seek, solitary activities! Go figure. Ain't us humans quite the bunch?

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I don't have to consciously avoid it since I don't like it anyway! It's not a big deal to me...I know that it would make me want sex more if I indulged in it. I did try to satisfy myself at one time in that way and all it did was aggravate me.

I do enjoy it when other men pay me compliments or flirt with me. That almost seems enough at this time (if being desired is one thing women want, I do have that, it would have been nice to have from my husband but eh it isn't that way). I really don't feel I am repressing desires except on occasion and those are my frustrated moments. I think a combination of looking at my relationship differently and not being a teenager/young person with raging hormones is what is currently helping me.

Believing that love =/= sex is one thing...acting on that belief is another.

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Yeah, I understand the need for intimacy (or at least I think I do as sex is a very confusing topic and while I crave the intimacy I'd rather deal with the release part myself) and I understand it's very frustrating and saddening when you can't share genuine intimacy with the person you love. That's why I'm willing to try as much as I can for my husband. But I'm not totally asexual, I enjoy porn a lot (although only gay porn - filmed, in pics, written, don't even ask), I just have a great problem with transfering the feeling into real life.

Btw, I asked my hubbie today how many times per week would be really great for him (taking our busy life, kids, etc. into consideration) and he said 0,7 (i.e. twice per 3 weeks) - this is not compromise, this is his wish. So I guess even for sexuals it doesn't have to be as frequent in some cases.

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Btw, I asked my hubbie today how many times per week would be really great for him (taking our busy life, kids, etc. into consideration) and he said 0,7 (i.e. twice per 3 weeks) - this is not compromise, this is his wish. So I guess even for sexuals it doesn't have to be as frequent in some cases.

It varies a lot, once a month would be okay for me, but we are at zero right now. Like I said though, intimacy for me can come in other forms... :)

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Down in Texas

Btw, I asked my hubbie today how many times per week would be really great for him (taking our busy life, kids, etc. into consideration) and he said 0,7 (i.e. twice per 3 weeks) - this is not compromise, this is his wish. So I guess even for sexuals it doesn't have to be as frequent in some cases.

It varies a lot, once a month would be okay for me, but we are at zero right now. Like I said though, intimacy for me can come in other forms... :)
In my world there is a big difference between intimacy and sex. For ME intimacy is the SPECIAL form of sex that has only been present a few times in our marriage. Intimacy for me is when the world stops for a while and nothing else exist but the two of us and the connection that is going on at the time. Sex is what happens all the rest of the time and at irregular intervals throughout our life when we are in a mixed relationship of Sexual/Asexual.

For me it is not about quantity but quality.

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Isn't it possible to compensate for the lack of sex while getting involved in things not necessarily outside marriage but on your own? Like watching porn, getting off and such?

For me, I would describe those things as a supplement to a sexual relationship, but not a substitute for a sexual relationship.

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Btw, I asked my hubbie today how many times per week would be really great for him (taking our busy life, kids, etc. into consideration) and he said 0,7 (i.e. twice per 3 weeks) - this is not compromise, this is his wish. So I guess even for sexuals it doesn't have to be as frequent in some cases.

It varies a lot, once a month would be okay for me, but we are at zero right now. Like I said though, intimacy for me can come in other forms... :)
In my world there is a big difference between intimacy and sex. For ME intimacy is the SPECIAL form of sex that has only been present a few times in our marriage. Intimacy for me is when the world stops for a while and nothing else exist but the two of us and the connection that is going on at the time. Sex is what happens all the rest of the time and at irregular intervals throughout our life when we are in a mixed relationship of Sexual/Asexual.

For me it is not about quantity but quality.

I feel really fortunate that I can feel deeply connected to my husband in ways that aren't sexual. I understand what you are saying and I have had a few of those sexually intimate moments for sure. I'm just really glad that there are other ways I feel 'in sync', on the same page, or intimately connected to him.

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Down in Texas

Btw, I asked my hubbie today how many times per week would be really great for him (taking our busy life, kids, etc. into consideration) and he said 0,7 (i.e. twice per 3 weeks) - this is not compromise, this is his wish. So I guess even for sexuals it doesn't have to be as frequent in some cases.

It varies a lot, once a month would be okay for me, but we are at zero right now. Like I said though, intimacy for me can come in other forms... :)
In my world there is a big difference between intimacy and sex. For ME intimacy is the SPECIAL form of sex that has only been present a few times in our marriage. Intimacy for me is when the world stops for a while and nothing else exist but the two of us and the connection that is going on at the time. Sex is what happens all the rest of the time and at irregular intervals throughout our life when we are in a mixed relationship of Sexual/Asexual.

For me it is not about quantity but quality.

I feel really fortunate that I can feel deeply connected to my husband in ways that aren't sexual. I understand what you are saying and I have had a few of those sexually intimate moments for sure. I'm just really glad that there are other ways I feel 'in sync', on the same page, or intimately connected to him.

I am very happy for you. We are not all that lucky.

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There's a sadness and disappointment only married sexual people can experience. I can't imagine what that feels like.

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There's a sadness and disappointment only married sexual people can experience.

I have felt this sadness many times, I am really thankful that it is not persistent. Sometimes it feels like being all alone in a deep misery.

I have noticed that emotions do seem to be a bit out of our control...we feel what we feel. Sometimes a comforting word helps, sometimes it does not. It's as if all the things we feel come in doses. Elation is another feeling that has a life of it's own...you feel it, it's like your in the clouds, and then it's time to come back to earth whether we want to or not.

I think that just as with happy feelings we have, and actively pursue so that we can feel them again, there is a certain extent to which we have the ability to walk away from misery (not always for sure...but sometimes).

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There's a sadness and disappointment only married sexual people can experience. I can't imagine what that feels like.

The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

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There's a sadness and disappointment only married sexual people can experience. I can't imagine what that feels like.

The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

Not to mention the disappointment the asexual feels knowing they'll never feel that type of passion and connection with the person they love most... (I'm mostly speaking of my asexual SO who wants to badly to 'feel' the way I describe that physical bond we never can attain together)

It's sad all around. The upside is the people we are gifted with and the emotional love they share with us.

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The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

I can't imagine any other married asexual feeling like a failure. If you're born with numbness in one finger, how have you "failed?"

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The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

I can't imagine any other married asexual feeling like a failure. If you're born with numbness in one finger, how have you "failed?"

I certainly do feel like a failure. I'm lacking something and I'm not fulfilling my husband's needs. How's that NOT a failure?

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The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

I can't imagine any other married asexual feeling like a failure. If you're born with numbness in one finger, how have you "failed?"

I certainly do feel like a failure. I'm lacking something and I'm not fulfilling my husband's needs. How's that NOT a failure?

No one "needs" sexual intimacy. It's a desire, not a need.

That you don't feel something isn't your fault, so how is it a failure?

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The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

I can't imagine any other married asexual feeling like a failure. If you're born with numbness in one finger, how have you "failed?"

Heheh...perhaps I should let my Asexual partner of 33 years express her feelings -- she most definitely has felt she has failed, in that she knows she cannot meet that part of my needs, even though she also full-well knows and believes that I in no way blame her. I've watched her carry that pain for decades.

When I realize an important part of my partner's happiness depends upon me having sensation in that finger, then even though that finger was numb through no choice of my own, I still feel I've failed my partner. Sure, in a rational, objective sense I haven't failed -- after all, there's no willfulness nor malice nor even carelessness in my inability. But, feelings often aren't subject to reason and rationality. My partner hurts because of my powerlessness to fill her need, and that feels to me as failure.

No one "needs" sexual intimacy. It's a desire, not a need.

I'll agree to emphatically disagree with you on that, Asexjoe.

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I'll agree to emphatically disagree with you on that, Asexjoe.

Has anyone dropped dead for lack of "sexual intimacy?"

What about marrieds who stop having sex after so many years have pasted (99 percent of marrieds, in other words)? Do they need "sexual intimacy?"

The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

I can't imagine any other married asexual feeling like a failure. If you're born with numbness in one finger, how have you "failed?"

Heheh...perhaps I should let my Asexual partner of 33 years express her feelings -- she most definitely has felt she has failed, in that she knows she cannot meet that part of my needs, even though she also full-well knows and believes that I in no way blame her. I've watched her carry that pain for decades.

When I realize an important part of my partner's happiness depends upon me having sensation in that finger, then even though that finger was numb through no choice of my own, I still feel I've failed my partner. Sure, in a rational, objective sense I haven't failed -- after all, there's no willfulness nor malice nor even carelessness in my inability. But, feelings often aren't subject to reason and rationality. My partner hurts because of my powerlessness to fill her need, and that feels to me as failure.

Yet your partner, like everyone else who marries, accepts that risk upon marriage.

One cannot guarantee "sexual intimacy" any more than you can guarantee the weather.

Maybe the problem is that sexuals expect too much out of life.

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Oh come on, people are not animals. Our needs are not just eat and drink and sleep. Every person has a need for being touched for example.

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The counterpart is, the sadness and sense of "failure" that married Asexual partners experience. I can't imagine what that pain feels like.

I can't imagine any other married asexual feeling like a failure. If you're born with numbness in one finger, how have you "failed?"

Heheh...perhaps I should let my Asexual partner of 33 years express her feelings -- she most definitely has felt she has failed, in that she knows she cannot meet that part of my needs, even though she also full-well knows and believes that I in no way blame her. I've watched her carry that pain for decades.

When I realize an important part of my partner's happiness depends upon me having sensation in that finger, then even though that finger was numb through no choice of my own, I still feel I've failed my partner. Sure, in a rational, objective sense I haven't failed -- after all, there's no willfulness nor malice nor even carelessness in my inability. But, feelings often aren't subject to reason and rationality. My partner hurts because of my powerlessness to fill her need, and that feels to me as failure.

Yet your partner, like everyone else who marries, accepts that risk upon marriage.

One cannot guarantee "sexual intimacy" any more than you can guarantee the weather.

Maybe the problem is that sexuals expect too much out of life.

I'm more than willing to debate the issue with you at length, Asexjoe, but I think we'd need to do it privately, because I suspect this issue and its tangents have the potential to become volatile in the open forum. Your call.

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My husband cares about my hurt feelings, my hopes for sexual intimacy being dashed, my tears. Yes, he has felt like a failure and has said so. He has apologized for letting me down, just as I have apologized for wanting something he can't give.

There are definitely needs for each and every person that relate to their sense of well being rather than their actual survival. What each person needs to feel okay in a relationship is different from another. Yes, some things are wants as opposed to needs, but indeed, some are needs.

It is like having needs of the emotional self as opposed to needs of the physical self or the intellectual self. Teachers are aware of different needs for some children and their individual learning processes. It is like that. Sex and sexual intimacy fit into the needs of two of those areas as I see it.

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Well, I certainly understand what you're saying, Ladygirl.

I confess I have felt bad in the past about what I can't give my wife. That was my original reason for coming to this forum.

After having been here a while, and giving the matter a lot of thought, I realize now that feeling bad over something I can't control is just a waste of emotion.

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I agree. That is probably one reason I tend to look at the bright side of my relationship. I think that sometimes it is next to impossible to not feel sad (it's hard to make feelings just change), but I do my best to not wallow.

In fact, I think I make some sexual partners a little angry because I spend more time talking about the good in my relationship than I do the hurt. I think focus plays a part in overall well being, and I would rather be positive about my relationship than negative. I would prefer to even try to shed a positive light on a negative aspect if at all possible.

I get the feeling sometimes, that people think I am unrealistic in my views. They are part of my reality though, so I express them.

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I think a marriage is on shaky ground if it starts with sexual intimacy being the number one thing to either spouse.

Maybe I'm just old-fashioned.

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I think a marriage is on shaky ground if it starts with sexual intimacy being the number one thing to either spouse.

I fully agree with that. The proof is in my pudding -- if sexual intimacy was the #1 thing, I would have been out of my 33-year marriage 32 years ago.

There are definitely needs for each and every person that relate to their sense of well being rather than their actual survival. What each person needs to feel okay in a relationship is different from another. Yes, some things are wants as opposed to needs, but indeed, some are needs.

It is like having needs of the emotional self as opposed to needs of the physical self or the intellectual self. Teachers are aware of different needs for some children and their individual learning processes. It is like that. Sex and sexual intimacy fit into the needs of two of those areas as I see it.

That, in a nutshell, fairly summarizes my thinking.

Needs are not merely for physical health, but for emotional and psychological health and fitness as well. Beyond the needs for food, water, and air, not everyone has the same set of needs (my wife is also Asperger's, which in her case means not only does she have no need but generally doesn't even like to be touched, for example). If one says that only those needs which provide physical survival matter, and that psychological, mental, and emotional "needs" are not truly needs, then I have to ask: isn't that distinction only possible if humans have no more self-awareness nor higher consciousness than other mammals, and human life is defined as limited to "unconscious organic existence"?

Asexjoe, I think it's extremely important for each partner to accept -- to KNOW and BELIEVE -- that he/she is not guilty because she/he is unable to meet the other's needs in some way. I'm encouraged to hear that you've that peace in yourself. As a Sexual, I've dealt with a counterpart guilt of feeling that I'm to blame for needing the psychological and emotional "food, water, and air" which sex provides me; after all, if I was asexual too, then my wife and I would not have this sexual disparity. I had to come to peace with the reality that ultimately I am not at fault -- that I am who I am Sexually by birth not by choice. Accepting that reality doesn't prevent me from feeling badly about how my wife hurts because of the sexual disparity my need causes, but my feeling of "failure" isn't because I see myself as defective or culpable.

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My husband and I have been together for 6years. I came out to him as an asexual about 6months ago and he has been great about everything. (He is NOT asexual)

At first, I was terrified to tell him that I just plain don't like having sex because growing up in a very sex-driven world, I felt like he would hate me for not wanting to be intimate. Unfortunately, As a married, heterosexual couple, the wife is looked at by society as being 'responsible' for pleasing their husband so that god forbid the poor guy has to go somewhere else to get his needs met. I just want to say that this is complete BS! But it's everywhere!!!

Blogs and q-a's all over the net saying that your man will leave you or cheat on you if you don't have enough sex...

It's not like groceries. When your out of food in the house and your like "well were out, let's go out to dinner because we don't have anything here." You are in a really bad relationship if your partner is like "well were out of sex, I guess I better go out and get some." For goodness sakes.

In any case, the relationship bit that I am currently struggling with is that I sometimes feel bad that we have differing sexualities. I wish I could give him the intimacy that he deserves without hesitation or simply because I feel like it, but there's just no way!!! Has anyone else gone through this? He doesn't ask for it at all, I just know in my heart that he would still really enjoy it... But I can't.

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My husband and I have been together for 6years. I came out to him as an asexual about 6months ago and he has been great about everything. (He is NOT asexual)

At first, I was terrified to tell him that I just plain don't like having sex because growing up in a very sex-driven world, I felt like he would hate me for not wanting to be intimate. Unfortunately, As a married, heterosexual couple, the wife is looked at by society as being 'responsible' for pleasing their husband so that god forbid the poor guy has to go somewhere else to get his needs met. I just want to say that this is complete BS! But it's everywhere!!!

Blogs and q-a's all over the net saying that your man will leave you or cheat on you if you don't have enough sex...

It's not like groceries. When your out of food in the house and your like "well were out, let's go out to dinner because we don't have anything here." You are in a really bad relationship if your partner is like "well were out of sex, I guess I better go out and get some." For goodness sakes.

In any case, the relationship bit that I am currently struggling with is that I sometimes feel bad that we have differing sexualities. I wish I could give him the intimacy that he deserves without hesitation or simply because I feel like it, but there's just no way!!! Has anyone else gone through this? He doesn't ask for it at all, I just know in my heart that he would still really enjoy it... But I can't.

You and he are different as far as sexuality, but you're the same in one sense: he of course would rather do something he likes (having sex) and you of course would rather do something you like (being free from having sex). It sounds like you had sex with him for about 6 years. Does he feel guilty about that? robably not. So you do not need to feel guilty about not having sex now. If he is feeling very bad about it, you would know, and he would likely tell you.

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You and he are different as far as sexuality, but you're the same in one sense: he of course would rather do something he likes (having sex) and you of course would rather do something you like (being free from having sex). It sounds like you had sex with him for about 6 years. Does he feel guilty about that? robably not. So you do not need to feel guilty about not having sex now. If he is feeling very bad about it, you would know, and he would likely tell you.

Sally,

:) thank you. Sometimes it can be difficult to just let it go. I feel like I need to learn how to trust that he will be able to take care of himself sexually. I guess i wasnt expecting him to take it so well. I did bring it up the other day, I blatantly asked how he felt about everything and if he believed that not having sex would or has been affecting our relationship. His reply was something along the lines of 'it would be cruel of me to expect you to be intimate with me when you dont want to be. even if that means forever.'

I guess I was so ready to deal with some big problems because of coming out and since there arent any, Im trying to make some.

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I guess I was so ready to deal with some big problems because of coming out and since there arent any, Im trying to make some.

Be aware, it might take him some time to think through it all and understand his own feelings. You know how it goes -- we typically don't recognize all the implications of a situation nor our feelings about it until we've had some time to digest it, and, for a major issue as this, six months is relatively short. Plus, his love for you means he might be slow to admit or discuss pertinent details he feels might make you feel badly or guilty. So, stay open-minded and ready for communication and discussion of anything you might think is already behind you. No, don't drive yourself crazy imagining problems that don't exist, but do realize that he's likely still processing the whole situation himself.

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