Jump to content

Sexual Compromise & Support


Recommended Posts

I feel that my husband doesn't like to talk about it because it makes him feel like a failure. We have had many discussions, and there is really nothing more to them than me being honest with what I am feeling, which is sometimes frustration and other times sadness...I don't blame him, but he feels blamed. He has many times said he doesn't want to fight, I don't mean to fight but he takes it that way and really we both know how the other feels and where we stand. For us, I do believe that the talking has become hurtful.

I wonder if your husband feels that...a sense of failure? I wonder if he feels that talking is just going to confirm and strengthen that feeling?

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Chances are great that you are correct. We have also had ongoing financial problems, so he likely feels the pinch as both a provider and a lover, both of which matter so much to a man's esteem. This is probably salt in a wound for him. Yet, I have a wound too, and mine is not less important than his. Catch 22.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I keep thinking how different ways of approach work for different couples. That in some cases talking it all out might help and in others it might harm.

In my case I've spent years searching for the thing that would set me off, and for the last 3 years I've been involved in porn fanfiction M/M fandoms, both reading and writing it. That's how I found out about A-Sex - reading a fanfic... And even though I'm sure I've found the answear, I decided to not give up on sex. For my hubbie's sake but for mine too. I keep searching for things we can do together as a couple and for things I can do for my husband. And I too use erotic store and will surely use them more.

But most importantly - as I said, when I realized I'm grey-a or maybe a-sex I was devastated. And so was hubs. But after the initial shock I think we both realized that it changes absolutely nothing. And in our case I decided the denial of the whole a-sex (grey-a) is the way for us (at least for now). Sex is always connected to disillusion I think. We talked with hubs about how sex is a desilussion, always, and how many people around me define themselves as a-sexual and if it's a whole huge drift? You know that it might have been normal once to feel like we feel but then came the whole sex-dripping culture and Cosmopolitans and multiple orgasms and Viagra. So we are all in the prison of sex now. And we feel inadequate and broken if we don't crave sex... Anyway - me and hubs decided asexuality is a kind of a natural phenomenum and we don't fight it but keep going and only maybe change bedroom ways for more him-centered.

Idk if anything I write makes sense - I just wanted to say that Charming - you may feel like you feel right now but in a few weeks it can be different and maybe you and hubs stress to much? Maybe try to talk about different important things firtst (over email if necessary), about what you want out of your relationship sex aside, what financial problems mean, why do you believe in yiu marriage despite the difference, how much you love him and so on). You sound really really hurt right now in your messages and I keep wondering if meeting your friend is the best idea? Maybe to talk to him and get a perspective - yes. But other things? I've made some horrible mistakes in my life and I don't wish ithe heartache they provoked to my worst enemy, so just think if it's worth it. (Unless you believe an open relationship would be tye way for you). I'm very weary to give an advise over discussion board - when we know absolutely nothing about our lives but my advise is to cool off, give yourself some more time, focus on other aspects of life, get back on track with communication about everything else and then - only then - discuss the asexuality.

Phew sorry for a long comment...

Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

I feel that my husband doesn't like to talk about it because it makes him feel like a failure. We have had many discussions, and there is really nothing more to them than me being honest with what I am feeling, which is sometimes frustration and other times sadness...I don't blame him, but he feels blamed. He has many times said he doesn't want to fight, I don't mean to fight but he takes it that way and really we both know how the other feels and where we stand. For us, I do believe that the talking has become hurtful.

I wonder if your husband feels that...a sense of failure? I wonder if he feels that talking is just going to confirm and strengthen that feeling?

After all these years I have learned more in the last couple of years since I have found AVEN than in all of the years and all of the books I have read looking for answers in the past forty years. Yes Lady I will have to agree that our partners probably do feel less of men than what they once did before we found AVEN and showed them what we found. I have come to believe that like us in some ways they did not realize they had a problem until we were able to actually point it out. I know that for my husband he now feels very guilty for responding to me the way he has in the past. He now sees by my lack of interest in his advances what his lack of interest in me in the past has caused. I tell him things he has said in the past to me and now it upsets him to hear his own words and he cannot believe he ever said them.

The main differences between Lady and I are age and time spent in our marriages. The things that Lady experiences now I experienced years earlier. Yes they are different yet the same in many ways.

I am also awaiting the shipment of a few bedroom toys that I ordered. Maybe that will help me with some of the other pressing needs. Maybe that will be my next step in compromise.

But still exists the question of why my husband won't communicate, and whether I should persist in that. I have only just begun trying to talk ... seems wasteful to me to give up, seems demeaning to him to persist.

I tried to use the MultiQuote for the first time and I am not very Tech smart so forgive me.

The toys will only help to a certain degree (I speak only from my own experience now) they can help relieve a certain amount of tension. There will always still remain the one truly deepest need that neither NO TOY nor anything else can ever fill. The need to feel LOVED and be MADE LOVE TO by the ONE person you want the most, the person you married the person that was supposed to love you more than any other and the one you give your love to. There is no Toy that can give you that and after a while even the Toys stop working. At least they did for me...

Good Luck in finding some Peace Charming... We will be here to help if we can... till then stay strong...

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you all. I did read, but really must tend to some other things so will probably decline to respond until a bit later. But in the meantime I thank you all for caring. We all do our best, don't we. That includes our partners. I know he does his best for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ItAllMakesSense

As a Grey-A with a sexual man, I've compromised this week by being sexual twice out of all the the days in a week. I've enjoyed the sex with him which is REALLY odd cause I'm stagnant in the sexual field and have not enjoyed being with other guys. This might be due to a variety of factors, like the relationship is new, I want to please him, I'm not ready to tell him yet about asexuality, and I'm trying to get a feel for him. I've been scared shitless about if I'm abandoning myself, or setting myself up for a sexual lifestyle / disappointing this man... What I've come to terms with so far is that if this man and I continue, at least I get five days off of sex (because I'm working / studying) so I'll enjoy those five days. And he gets two days, which can be a long wait for him for a little amount of days. I'm not trying to look too hard into it tho.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

As someone who married a Gray A without knowing anything about Asexuality for 38+ years I will plead with you to not marry without informing him of the possible problem of difference in sexual desire. Our greatest problem has been over sex. However it has been a very hard road to travel in a relationship. I would suggest you tell him soon if you feel you will not be able to make some adjustments on your level of desire. The longer you allow it to progress without telling him the harder it will become for both of you.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

What I've come to terms with so far is that if this man and I continue, at least I get five days off of sex (because I'm working / studying) so I'll enjoy those five days. And he gets two days, which can be a long wait for him for a little amount of days. I'm not trying to look too hard into it tho.

This seems like a good frequency that I would have really liked to have had.

I have been really fortunate in my relationship because despite the sexual issues, my ace husband and I have grown closer to one another over the years rather than further apart. It has been bumpy at times, but I'm glad we are still together. Really glad.

Good luck to you! :)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

As someone who married a Gray A without knowing anything about Asexuality for 38+ years I will plead with you to not marry without informing him of the possible problem of difference in sexual desire. Our greatest problem has been over sex. However it has been a very hard road to travel in a relationship. I would suggest you tell him soon if you feel you will not be able to make some adjustments on your level of desire. The longer you allow it to progress without telling him the harder it will become for both of you.

Substitute "who married an Asexual with neither she nor I knowing about Asexuality for 30+ years", and I ditto Down In Texas's advice to you.

If the sexual disparity is troublesome now, in the relatively lighter days of your relationship's newness, then, when the relationship transitions to the no-longer-new, "life-grinds-on-with-all-its-daily-struggles" stage, the sexual disparity will likely cause you both constant, unresolvable pain. You need to discuss now whether each of you is willing and able to handle that pain

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

For anyone that might be wondering, I did see my old friend last week and had a beautiful visit but did not speak about anything that I spoke about here. For the time being I might be able to put that temptation to rest although I think, realistically, I will face this again at some point.

I am still no further ahead in communicating with my husband about compromise.

I am grateful that he is a thoughtful man at least; that while there is no sexual intimacy I can count on him to call during the day or sometimes pick up a spot of chocolate to surprise me when we get home. I do make the effort to value those gestures and I wish I was better at accepting those things as being sufficient for my needs.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For anyone that might be wondering, I did see my old friend last week and had a beautiful visit but did not speak about anything that I spoke about here. For the time being I might be able to put that temptation to rest although I think, realistically, I will face this again at some point.

I am still no further ahead in communicating with my husband about compromise.

I am grateful that he is a thoughtful man at least; that while there is no sexual intimacy I can count on him to call during the day or sometimes pick up a spot of chocolate to surprise me when we get home. I do make the effort to value those gestures and I wish I was better at accepting those things as being sufficient for my needs.

Dear Charming,

What you mention is very recognisable. It seems hard at times to be able to appreciate these gestures for what they are and feel they are sufficient in satisifying your needs. Sometimes it works for me and other times it doesn't.

As far as communicating with your asexual partner, I do understand that it is hard to do. For me, I tend to feel a bit selfish when we talk about our misunderstandings. I have discussed this with my partner and she does not feel that way about me, but as LG mentioned she does feel like she fails in our relationship. That is not nice to hear your partner say. The discussions are not very easy and we also go through periods that we just ignore the fact that there is a disparity. Just to make life easier, but it does not make it go away.

Good luck and keep in touch!

Link to post
Share on other sites

....As far as communicating with your asexual partner, I do understand that it is hard to do. For me, I tend to feel a bit selfish when we talk about our misunderstandings. I have discussed this with my partner and she does not feel that way about me, but as LG mentioned she does feel like she fails in our relationship. That is not nice to hear your partner say. The discussions are not very easy and we also go through periods that we just ignore the fact that there is a disparity. Just to make life easier, but it does not make it go away.

Ditto.

After decades, there's not much more as far as "facts" that remains to be discussed. There's mainly just expressing the feelings of the present. And, as you've explained, sometimes refraining is the lesser-of-the-evils.

LATER ADDITION: My ditto isn't addressed to Charming's present situation, but rather is merely a general agreement with jojo2003's experience of "sometimes-better-to-say-nothing,-to-spare-the-partner-more-pain" at points in a long-term relationship in which good communication has already been established, the disparity issue (including possibilities for compromise) has been thoroughly discussed and perhaps compromises have been implemented, and both partners already know and understand how the disparity affects the other.

But in Charming's situation, open and thorough communication has yet to be established, so I don't advise "refraining".

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

For our relationship though, we have discussed next to nothing about it. So for many it might be appropriate to refrain, but for me I think it's reasonable to knock on the door of communication and compromise. We are in a different stage of this than many.

Link to post
Share on other sites

For our relationship though, we have discussed next to nothing about it. So for many it might be appropriate to refrain, but for me I think it's reasonable to knock on the door of communication and compromise. We are in a different stage of this than many.

You are absolutely right and I think in defining what makes your perception of the relationship different, there is a lot to gain. I tend to say that my partner probably is asexual. What I mean to say is that labelling our differences in that way made it easier for both of us to deal with. And made it clear that there was no party to "blame".

It is in a later stage, in which we are now that sometimes it is hard to discuss what happens and what is needed, since this discussion has been held before. In saying that, I would like to stress that a lot of times we happily skip over the differences. I mean, why would we have stayed together such a long time otherwise.

So, yes try to discuss, but do not expect miracles to happen on either side of the fence is what we would like to stress I think.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks so much. I am not looking for miracles, that's not it. At this point I am just hoping for some acknowledgement, to get it out on the table in the open and breathe the sigh of relief that it's not a skeleton in the closet anymore, and then maybe an idea for me to know what the years ahead might look like for us/for me. I don't want to have false hope anymore; I want the reality.

I would like an opportunity to hear him describe how he *does* feel bonded to me, since he does not bond with me in a sexual way. It would be reassuring to hear him say we'll be ok because of this and that and the next thing; and then when I can see those things in action I will be better equipped to recognize them better. Because there is such a deep insecurity that goes along with being the rejected sexual partner... (Logically I understand that the ace has insecurities as well ... but since he's not here and I am here, I'm just going to talk about my insecurities for now.)

I would also like for me to have an opportunity to say, "it's ok, I understand. I get it." But we haven't gotten anywhere close to even this kind of discussion yet.

I would also like to say "on second thought it's not ok, this is not what I signed up for, and I hate this" but ultimately I probably won't go there.

AVEN has been a haven for me. Thanks to everyone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

I just highly suggest you think deeply about the future before you forge forward. Make sure you can live without feeling the sexual connection that most of us Sexuals need. Once you go forward in a Life Long relationship and introduce children into this type of a relationship you then add others into a situation they did not ask for and it becomes harder to sometimes hide the little things such as a short temper from an unfulfilled advance or a long period of what us Sexuals feel as sexual neglect when promises of compromise go unfilled. There are many little factors that come into play once a relationship progresses into a family.

I guess what I am trying to say is look further down the road than just the relationship between the two of you. Look years forward not weeks.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I keep thinking - I KNOW I look at it from asexual or similar poinf of view - but there are so many more things in life and in a relationship than just sex. I know for a while it might feel like the end of the world but I can't see sex as determinant whether you can or can't be in a relationship. Honesty - yes, talking - yes but maybe not making it the dominant part?

But as I say, I look at it from a pov of a person who is somwhat asexual.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Responding to Down in Texas, thank you. We have been together 14 years, married almost 10, and have 3 young children together. Like you and others, I didn't realize or understand the full extent of what was going on until after commitments were made. The relationship is already longstanding, it is only this dialogue within the relationship that is new.

As a matter of interest though, he started talking this morning. Just after I wrote my earlier post I sent a brief "checking in" memo to him (we are the couple that usually communicates via email) and he responded, and he sounded finally open to dialogue. Such relief to me. The past couple of months have been particularly hard for me (contemplated going outside the marriage but ultimately rejected that idea) ... I am so relieved just to be able to communicate with him about the situation.

It will be a huge GIANT step for us together. Regardless of what comes from it, it is moving forward. Or maybe it is moving sideways, or even backwards, whatever. It is moving.

Responding to Nodare, yes. I do make a conscious effort to look at all the non-sexual ways he shows love and commitment to me. I truly, truly do. He is a good man and he is devoted to me and the kids, and he is a good father. And I also try so hard to be good to him too. And I have not wanted or intended to leave the marriage, although I have considered the possibility of going outside the marriage.

This is a good illustration of part of the plight from the sexual point of view too: I can understand that I "should" appreciate the positive attributes about my spouse "enough for it to be enough." Logically and ethically I should value his ability to be a fine father more than I value his ability to maintain a sexual relationship. And that understanding is one of many very good reasons why I have not walked away from our marriage.

It seems to me that aces look at things primarily on that very logical level with a hierachy of what ought to be most valuable and with sex existing far down on that hierarchy (?) but perhaps sexuals see it on a different level in addition to that. What happens for me personally is that by not having a sexual relationship together with my spouse it takes something away from my own authenticity or my own self-expression. So it's not that I don't appreciate him enough to stay in the relationship. The problem exists that I don't appreciate who I have to become in order to maintain my end of the relationship. It's fairly much an internal conflict. I do love and appreciate him and I do value the relationship, but I don't like who I have to be in order to stay with him, because I have ceased to be authentic in order to be with him.

Does that make sense?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I do love and appreciate him and I do value the relationship, but I don't like who I have to be in order to stay with him, because I have ceased to be authentic in order to be with him.

Does that make sense?

Yes, I think so. You are stripped of your sexuality in a way therefore made less of you. It does make sense.

It's good there is light in the communiation though as in your case the most urgent and serious matter was that lack of communication. It is possible he might be open to compromise and you'll work out the way for you both as long as he (finally) responds!

Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so very much.

And yes, I agree I think our most serious matter has been lack of communication. Just to know he will talk has lifted a lot of heartache from me already.

Thank you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

Responding to Nodare, yes. I do make a conscious effort to look at all the non-sexual ways he shows love and commitment to me. I truly, truly do. He is a good man and he is devoted to me and the kids, and he is a good father. And I also try so hard to be good to him too. And I have not wanted or intended to leave the marriage, although I have considered the possibility of going outside the marriage.

This is a good illustration of part of the plight from the sexual point of view too: I can understand that I "should" appreciate the positive attributes about my spouse "enough for it to be enough." Logically and ethically I should value his ability to be a fine father more than I value his ability to maintain a sexual relationship. And that understanding is one of many very good reasons why I have not walked away from our marriage.

It seems to me that aces look at things primarily on that very logical level with a hierachy of what ought to be most valuable and with sex existing far down on that hierarchy (?) but perhaps sexuals see it on a different level in addition to that. What happens for me personally is that by not having a sexual relationship together with my spouse it takes something away from my own authenticity or my own self-expression. So it's not that I don't appreciate him enough to stay in the relationship. The problem exists that I don't appreciate who I have to become in order to maintain my end of the relationship. It's fairly much an internal conflict. I do love and appreciate him and I do value the relationship, but I don't like who I have to be in order to stay with him, because I have ceased to be authentic in order to be with him.

Does that make sense?

This makes perfect sense I totally understand and have and do feel the same way as you describe, feeling this way is why I said what I did earlier.

I am sorry I did not understand that you were already in a committed relationship. I get mixed up with others on other threads. I thought you were still in a dating relationship. I should have gone back and reread before I posted. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in compromising and long term happiness.

I know it will not be easy. I have been at it for 40+ years now, initially without knowing about Asexuality. Even with the kids now grown and married. I had hoped that the two of us could spend the rest of our lives just living, loving and enjoying each other it is for me one of the loneliest times of my live. Yes, he is here. Yes, he loves me I know that without question. However, it is a companionable type of love not a sexual romantic kind of love that I had so dreamt of. He feels more like a brother than a husband. For the most part we are fine and for him if I did not still want sex live would be grand. But I had dreams of more and he knows now what his years of sexual neglect have done to me. It is hard to explain to someone what is missing if they never longed for it in the first place. It is not the actual sexual act of intercourse that is the main missing piece. It is the closeness that went along with it, the ability to know and express the desire to please each other. When we were making all the arrangements for our wedding there was a very wise Lady that told us "If you will both give 90% to the other and expect 10% back in return you will both be very happy for you will get more than you expected". This is how I set out when we married however it was soon evident that complacency set in very early in our marriage. We became stuck with me doing most of the giving and he enjoying what I gave as if he were a sponge that soaked it all in but never gave any of it back. He has always been a good provider and a kind and loving father. However when given the chance to participate in our children’s activities he chose to stay home and allow me to do it all. It is as if he is stuck in his 20 and has never grown up. He laughs at things the grandchildren do that he missed seeing when our own kids were young. It is not all based on sex but on what that sexual contact and behavior between partners brings to a relationship. The bond that it forges between the two the coming together of oneness in not only body but soul... I hope this may explain to some that it is not simply the act or performance of sex we miss it is the bond that comes with it that is missed the most.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you to everyone for your time and efforts in supporting one another.

Quite a few people have commented on my own situation, which felt like near-crisis just a couple of months ago but is a bit stronger even just today, and I truly value the insight and caring from everyone of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I keep thinking - I KNOW I look at it from asexual or similar poinf of view - but there are so many more things in life and in a relationship than just sex. I know for a while it might feel like the end of the world but I can't see sex as determinant whether you can or can't be in a relationship. Honesty - yes, talking - yes but maybe not making it the dominant part?

But as I say, I look at it from a pov of a person who is somwhat asexual.

Sex varies in meaning and importance to each person, of course, and, for Sexuals, varies in how integral it is for relational connection.

For myself and some other Sexuals (especially many if not most women Sexuals), sex IS as vital for relational connection as "talking" and "honesty", As Down In Texas describes, "...it is not simply the act or performance of sex we miss it is the bond that comes with it." Sex is as much part of as well as a form of expressing our need to communicate feelings and share selves with our partner as are verbal expression and honesty. Absence of sexual intimacy is as relationally distancing to us as absence of talking or as absence of honesty. Indeed, it's often difficult if not impossible for some of us to really feel that we're fully communicating or emotionally connecting with a life-partner unless the relationship involves mutually-desired sexual intimacy.

So, we often find ourselves between the proverbial rock-and-hard-place in our relationships if the "talking" and "honesty" parts of our communication need are met but the sexual intimacy part of that need is chronically unfulfilled. For some Sexuals, that part of their need being chronically unmet creates too big a communication/connection chasm for them and is a relationship-breaker. Sex can, therefore, be a determinant for whether a relationship is possible.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are there any sexuals that have successfully turned off all sexuality for their asexual lover? I would like to know if it's possible in any kind of way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Down in Texas

Are there any sexuals that have successfully turned off all sexuality for their asexual lover? I would like to know if it's possible in any kind of way.

For me and I only speak for myself. No, you can not turn it off. However, after years of sexual advances being denied or stifled you loose the passion that once drove my desire. I got tired of getting the same response time after time and the frequency ands depth of desire or level of passion diminishes. For me it took years and I would have to say that it really didn't happen completely until I found AVEN. It was then that all of my hopes of finding a cure for what I did not know had no cure. Until I found out about Asexuality I was still reading book after book looking for answers to help find a way to get my husband to love ME the way I wanted to be loved and the way I wanted to be able to love him. The thing was he had loved me with the passion I so wanted only a handful of times. It seemed it took his personal fear to trigger his passion and once you have felt that type of passion you want more of it and thus my 38+ years of searching. He did not allow me the comfort of loving him to my fullest ability because he always cut our lovemaking short as soon as he climaxed it was all over and hands off. I was ready for more he had only started my desire and yet he was finished.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Are there any sexuals that have successfully turned off all sexuality for their asexual lover? I would like to know if it's possible in any kind of way.

I haven't turned off all of it, but am close enough that I feel a lot more relaxed and far less frustrated than I did even a year ago. I don't personal pleasure or read erotica and I think it truly helps me not care as much. I also want to be with him and it is really hard to know he feels like a failure even in his attempts, so I would rather not even push the issue at this time. Right now we are simply aiming for a little more cuddling and that is fine by me. He tolerated it and did his best for years (27 for us), but I feel he is growing increasingly repulsed.

We have a really intimate intellectual and emotional connection...we are pretty strongly bonded together without the sex, so even though I feel frustrated at times, I don't feel that sex is going to make us any more bonded than we are.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are there any sexuals that have successfully turned off all sexuality for their asexual lover? I would like to know if it's possible in any kind of way.

I try. I find that my frustrations come in long cycles. Like Lady, I consciously avoid porn, self stimulation and other 'turn ons'. Right now I'm in a blissful state of not caring about the missing sex. Sometimes, when the cycle flips the other way (and it will), I get very emotional, rejected, hurt and feel like a sexually worthless blob. Those are ugly & unpleasant times. I'm in a good place currently and am doing everything I can to keep it that way.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...