Gray-A, Demisexual, Semisexual, Welcome!

[Kryctstein]

Heya! Call me Gaelsun! :)

I am 18 years. After much research I indentify myslef as a demisexual biaesthetic heteroromantic being. I find sexuality to be a very complex thing... haha. Though I just say demisexual. I feel proud to say that, I feel like I have a place now.

I honestly just thought something was wrong with me for the longest time ever especially since I am an INTJ (almost INTP). I just dismissed it as me having only interest in school work and putting walls up.

However, when I was browsing Tumblr two weeks ago. I came across a word that rang true to me, "demiromantic". So, I took it upon myslef and learned more about it. Found out it was the perfect word to describe myslef.

Curious as to why I ID myslef as that? Well, although I'm just eighteen. I have never been in a relationship, done anything sexual nor do I masturbate. I tell my friends I am celibate or asexual just because its so much easier to explain. I find certain individuals of all genders to be aesthetically pleasing to my eye; it's only that. I feel no need to "shag" or become intimate with them any way.

Then within the span of seven years (starting from middle school) I have been emotional (romantically) attracted only to four people.

I was often too late in recognition of how I felt. My attraction happened in the order of how I met them. 6,6, 4,4 (years). I didn't help that these friends got into a relationship or, in one case, moved soon after I realized it. So theres that.

There is a guy who has expressed interest in me, but I feel nothing for him except for friendship. Its maddening to say the least. It would be a long distance one-- part of me hopes something will come of it.

In any case, I hope to meet fellow aces and what not. :)

[possiBri]

Hi everybody!

I'm 30 and recently discovered the gray-a spectrum and have identified myself as demisexual (though this is still new, so I'm not set in stone with this), and last night I was reading about non-binary gender and feel that I most closely identify with demigirl which basically just means I identify as female, but only partially. Since as long as I can remember I've felt very much like a guy in many aspects of my life — especially when around other females who are more traditional in expression. Additionally, for most of my life I've felt like a genderless blob with female and male tendencies. Anyway, I just wanted to introduce myself here, and thank you all for posting and creating a safe place for others to come and share and learn about themselves.

[Slayerin96]

I'm a 18-year-old young woman and I've been sex-positive all my life despite my falling within the asexual spectrum. Both introspection and my doing more research on this particular area helped me discover my sexual orientation more accurately. Even though I've never been in such a situation, I somehow know I could only desire and enjoy sex with a guy I've formed a close emotional bond with (which would take years), and experience that kind of attraction somewhat differently and not to very intense a degree. Therefore, I'd say I'm grey-demi-heterosexual (because even after the connection were formed, the circumstances would still be specific and limited). I invented a new word xD.

[Haizea]

Hi, I've been wondering if the grey a orientation is most defining. I'm a mid 30s woman, interested in men only, I'm happily married but I do not enjoy sex, I feel like I wouldn't be missing out on anything if I never had sex again. Of course I still do it from time to time to make my husband happy. But I've had many partners and if I weren't married I'd probably have more. This is because when I get interested in somebody I want to know everything about him and sex seems to be a logical progression of the getting to know you process, if the chemistry is there. Then after that part is complete that desire is gone. It's happened again and again so much that it's not a coincidence. During the initial period, the revulsion toward the act is gone but it returns with a vengeance afterward. I would love to continue relationships after that point but many times that's the end because I'm the only one I know who sees it like this. So in the friendships I'd like to keep there's still a lot of tension (I wouldn't call it desire) because I don't go there so as not to lead anyone on, and now, to remain faithful to my marriage, but I love intimacy, which most people, my husband included, find very difficult to separate from sexuality. It makes me feel very lonely even in the middle of a very good relationship. I'd like to see if anyone else here knows what this is like

[ReadingRaeBo]

So I've always kind of knew about asexually but never looked into it until a friend told me I might want to check it out. My dilemma is that I don't know if I'm Grey, Demi or just confused even though I've researched them. I'm almost 25 and still a virgin, but it's never really bothered me too much. I've always just assumed my "prudish" decisions were an outcome of the traditional way I was brought up. Most of the guys my friends swoon over I simply describe as ascetically pleasing but I'm not attracted to them. Yet, I do develop crushes but still believe that I would want to care deeply for them before I would ever become intimate with them. Any help is appreciated!

[Purl]

hi, I'm new, and I've recently discovered the concept of demisexuality, and am just really happy to have found a place where I fit in :) I've known about asexuality, but it didn't really sound like me, but when I discovered demisexuality, I realized that's what I was and was happy to put a name to something I've always felt.

[invisiblemovement]

I'd like to see if anyone else here knows what this is like

Haizea, almost your WHOLE POST is SPOT ON for me!! :) It is crazy, I have a near identical pattern to you. When I'm interested in someone, I want to know EVERYTHING about them (men that is; I am female, 24, have had many long-term serious relatinoships, and am currently in one, and sex did result from all them, usually multiple times a month or week), and yes sex usually is the next logical step and I have a nervous drive towards it, but once it happens once, I don't care about it at all. It's like, the drive for sex is almost more of a curiosity more than an actual sex drive. Once the curiosity is gone, I don't really care. I LOVE intimacy and absolutely need it and express it a lot in relationships; constant cuddling, hugging, etc. (however, side note, I can't barely stand any form of touch with ANY other people, family included, even a hug). Once that one-time curiosity is gone, I have barely no interest or drive, even if they are very aesthetically-appealing and I am very attracted to their mind/personality/thoughts.

And, like you, my partner has a hard time separating intimacy from sexuality. It makes him very upset when I go about our normal routine of cuddling/touching on the couch while we watch TV, and then no sex results from it. Knowing this, I would try to make sex occur between us because I knew it made him happy, but now it has been several months and I just can't do the pretending anymore. I need to be my comfortable self, which is someone who does not need sex and can go YEARS in a personal romantic relationship without having any sex (I have actually done this!). He thinks about sex all day, and I absolutely never think about it. So, you are not alone! You are not different! I think I am very similar to you. My current dilemma is that I just now started analyzing the situation and have realized I need to start figuring out what to do about this. He is sexually shy and I am his main first girlfriend and I think he would "settle" being with me even if it meant not much sex. But I don't think that's right. He wants someone who is sexy like him and thinks about sex and dresses sexy and flirts. I do none of those things, and I would really like to find someone that wants a girl like me. I would rather be alone than be with someone like him, knowing that I am not what he really wants. It's a terrible feeling. Yes we love each other and I know when I bring this up he will want to say he will deal with it, but I just don't know if I want to. I would love to stay with him, but I don't want to see him unhappy. This is the preliminary stages of me figuring out how to talk about this with him (and I know it needs to be soon!).

[pinkroses]

hi so what do we talk about here ?

[crazypimpernelfan]

Hi! So I guess I'm...

Hold on.

*takes in deep breath* I'm slightly sexually attracted to girls, mostly romantically attracted to guys, so I guess you could call me in jest a hetero-romantic homosexual, but in reality I guess I am a hetero(slightly bi-, or rather, demi-homo)-romantic homosexual/gray-asexual so it's rather confusing.

*breathes deeply out, then in* Whoo! That was a mouthful!

Anyway, hiii!! *waves frantically*

[Cedrorum]

Hey all! I guess I'm grey-asexual, it's a recent discovery but it fits for now. For a long time I thought I was bisexual, then pansexual, but I realized over time I didn't really have this need or want to have sex with anybody. I think I mainly get aesthetically attracted to people, where I get butterflies for a period of time if I see someone I find cute? I get kind of nervous but I don't have an urge to ask them out or anything either, like it isn't romantic attraction either. I can never tell with these things. So grey-ace I guess and a great big question mark for my romantic orientation. When it comes to actual love I've only seemed to gain feelings for guys, but there haven't been a whole lot of those experiences save for a crush or two before my current partner, so I don't really have a name for that.

[TealXLIV]

Hello all,

So I'm TealXLIV, and I've been here for over a month now. Didn't even realize there was a welcome section for Demi's. But I'm sure some of you have seen me around by now.

Basically I always identified as heterosexual before discovering asexuality and its subsets. Once I came across demisexuality I started to question how I approached my sexual feelings towards others. The qualities that might make one a demisexual certainly hit home with me. I've just never felt that attraction to actually have sex with someone. I certainly find women to be pretty and what not, but never that urge to have sex; at most I just wanted to be close to them, not IN them.

[Member83761]

I was thinking where my first post should go, and I think as gray-A, this is probably the forum to do it in :).

So HI :) .

I'm 36, and even though I've always been gray-A, I've only recently come across the term. Before that I always wondered where my lack of interest came from. And why I didn't have more of it. So, to finally, at my age be able to say - I'm gray-A is quite refreshing!!!

[soulrisk]

I've always just assumed my "prudish" decisions were an outcome of the traditional way I was brought up. Most of the guys my friends swoon over I simply describe as ascetically pleasing but I'm not attracted to them. Yet, I do develop crushes but still believe that I would want to care deeply for them before I would ever become intimate with them.

This describes me better than I describe me. I identified as bisexual for a while until it occurred to 15 year old me that sexual has something to do with sex and lust is not really in my feeling repertoire. It took me a while to figure myself out but now I'm just glad to have found my people.

[dhfgffgfgfg]

I have a question for everyone. I'm still trying to learn a bit more about this but from what I've been reading, I identify strongly with demisexuality. Unfortunately I also can't stand being alone. I've only enjoyed sex with one man, the only man I've ever loved. But we're not together any more and due to my desperation to feel connected to someone, I've made myself sleep with guys just trying to feel something or to at least have a good time, but I never do. Now I've just given up on finding someone altogether. My question is this: how do you handle never being attracted to anyone, being alone so much, when you HATE it? Being in love and in a relationship is the only thing that's ever made me happy and I'm miserable without it. But I can't have him any more and finding someone else is seemingly impossible because for the life of me, I can't find anyone I want. It's incredibly depressing and frustrating. I don't want to feel this way. It's been almost 5 years on my own now and every day has just been hell. Does anyone else have this conflict between their heart, head and sexuality?

[newlydiscovered22]

Ok guys im new to this and trying to figure out what i am and how i feel. Right now i feel like i identify more as an asexual. For those of you that identity as asexual can you tell me how you sustain healthy relationships with partners who are not asexual? I'm struggling with this...

[JohnDoe1995]

Hey. I joined this forum a week ago in it's really nice to see there's such a huge friendly community here that make others feel welcome. Joining this forum, commenting to others & asking things really helped me feel less of a weirdo for being demi (I only found out I'm demi less than six months ago).

[Perseus]

Aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesome. I love how this site welcomes everyone. I have been trying to figure out my sexuality for a while now. After a lot of research and a long look at my past I realized that I am Demi and I love it.

[Sarika]

Aweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesome. I love how this site welcomes everyone. I have been trying to figure out my sexuality for a while now. After a lot of research and a long look at my past I realized that I am Demi and I love it.

Isn't it great to know you're not alone in how you feel?

[alexblue]

I guess im hetero romantic, and demisexual but im not sure cause i dont have sexual experience. been demisexual without know about is like feel lost in somewhere

[Squeegee Beckenheim]

So I MIGHT be gray-A? I don't know.

I'm 25, female, never had sex so I guess I don't know that I don't like it, but I have NEVER had any desire to try it out.

I LOVE kissing. It feels good and I like it, but it's a purely physical thing for me. I only kiss strangers. Once I kiss someone, I have no desire for things to go farther and I never really want to see them again. Also, I only like kissing men. I've kissed men and women and I definitely don't like kissing women. I do have this weird thing, though, where sometimes I'll think about kissing different women I'm friends with. Even though I'm pretty sure I won't like it, I'll WANT to kiss them. I thiiiiink I might be homoromantic, so maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe I'm demi and haven't noticed yet? The issue is that nothing about being with a woman appeals to me, even in the abstract sense, while I can conceptualize how being with a man would be nice, but it's just that I have zero desire to experience it.

[indie_lullaby]

Hello, I am very new, just joined today. I am Gray-A

I have never looked at a person (male or female) and said, "I totally want to have sex with them." I enjoy kissing (mostly closed-mouth) and cuddling. I don't care for much else. The only times that I like to do those things is when I am in a committed relationship. For most of my life I thought I was supposed to have sex, and that it was something that you just had to do with someone you love. I always thought I was a little weird, but would suck it up and do it to make them happy, but never for myself. I'm glad I found out about asexuality and this group, because it's empowering to not feel alone when you're discovering yourself.

[012]

I sure wish I had understood that I was a Gray-A, or that this even existed, decades ago. I'm 46 and feel like I have finally just started to understand myself. Good to know I'm not the only one. Finally understanding is both refreshing and a relief.

I remember I used to think "I'm sure I'll like it a lot better next time..." of course I was lying to myself.

I think it's hard when society and the media has been telling us our whole lives that everyone loves it and wants it more than anything, it's almost like being brainwashed. And when you don't really fit in, it's just confusing.

[pranceguy]

Hey, everyone! Finally sat down and made an account today.

I discovered this site just over a year ago, as I was beginning to ask myself some questions which I had been actively skirting for years (I'm now 24). Perusing the forums was a huge relief for me; there were experiences from real people which I could relate to in ways I hadn't thought possible.

I haven't (yet?) really settled on a label which I think best suits me. Even so, I'm quite happy with how much I've discovered about myself recently, and I largely have this community to thank. So... thank you! All of you!

[VictionTrace]

Ok, I'm new here...

I don't know much about these things, but I think I might fit into the demi category (although, I hate to categorize people).

As it happens, I've never had a truly serious relationship. In my teens and early twenties I had some encounters with the opposite sex, mostly out of curiosity I guess, but that wasn't something I was particularly enthralled with. I was more like "so... THIS is what all the fuss is about? Meh".

It's been a few years since I've been with anyone. And, while I do get romantic feelings and generally would not mind having a sexual relationship, I could totally live without the sex. I like the intimacy and being close to one another, but the actual "deed"... well, meh.

I know you asexuals get the line "you just haven't met the right one yet" a lot, but I feel that on my part it might just be true. If I met someone whom I really connected with, I might appreciate the physical part more. So far, it has been little more than a way of relieving sexual tension, although it's very rarely I feel the need for that. To me, it's more like just another bodily need, like hunger or thirst (you don't die from lack of sex though http://www.asexuality.org/en/public/style_emoticons/#EMO_DIR#/laugh.gif), and relieving it a similarly mechanistic function (you grab a glass of water if you're feeling thirsty, but you don't feel overwhelmingly passionate about it). And just for relieving that need, you don't really need another person now do you? Sometimes, I've considered sex as a price for intimacy. I love the cuddling, being close to another person, feeling their warmth, the very feeling of another living breathing human being there next to you. I would love to just hold a person, without it instantly becoming some sort of foreplay. None of the relationships I've had has been like that, which is why they were all short-lived.

Well, mostly that. I never felt any proper connection to these people either. We always had too little in common, or our chemistries simply didn't match. I see no point in faking just to please someone, and trying to keep alive a relationship that's based on a lie.

I'm happy with my currently solitary lifestyle, but I still miss that bonding. These days, I don't bother trying much either since most everything seems to revolve around sex.

Oh well, enough rambling from me!

[Olly S]

No idea how this works or if anyone will read this but I figured this would be the right place to vent.

I'm around 30 years old and I can't seem to figure out exactly what my sexuality is. I love porn, I love women, I fantasize about them sexually quite often and I masturbate regularly. I had one long term relationship in my life where I had sex nearly daily. Since then, I have been relatively asexual... for several years now. I associate sexual encounters with extreme anxiety and I'm terrified that I'll lose an erection, not be able to get one, or something else.

I think I'm considered a great looking person and I truly have no problem at all attracting women in social situations. There is an abundance of interest on their part... and there is sometimes interest on my part but I can't seem to make the leap to a sexual relationship. The notion terrifies me although the fantasy intrigues me.

Sometimes I think I just need to get over it and take that leap but it's obviously so much easier said than done.

Because of this strange asexual decade I'm in the midst of, It's very difficult for me to develop truly close friendships. I've become a master at making plenty of friends without having to actually open up entirely, and I've also mastered the ability to appear as if I date somewhat regularly so as not to raise too much suspicion among my social circle. But ultimately, the only way to really do this is to remain distant as much as I can. And it's a lonely trek.

In an ideal world - I would meet a beautiful woman who I am attracted to both inside and out who has the patience to let me breathe and unwind before diving into the sexual side of things. It's like we live in a culture where instant sex is expected and if it doesn't happen, all sorts of suspicions are raised and the guy is considered gay, or just weird.

I'm terrified that the years will roll on and I'll never quite figure this out or overcome this fear and that I will ultimately be the strange middle-aged guy who is completely alone. The odd outcast of the family with no kids. I think I'd rather die than live that life.

But my hope remains alive. Would love to hear back from people here. Thanks for reading.

[Toon Lettuce]

Hi there! My name is Eli, and I'm biromantic demisexual. I found AVEN a couple years ago, and knew that I fit somewhere on the ace spectrum. I identified as asexual and gray-asexual for a while, until I met my partner at which point I realized I am demi! When I first started identifying as any kind of ace, I met some resistance about just needing to find the right person or outright dismissal that I wasn't ace. Now I'm pretty comfortable telling people my identity!

[DesignHawk]

Hi everyone! I've been lurking for a while, but just created an account. :) I Identify as Bisensual Grey Asexual, which seems a bit confusing, but it best describes me. I'm relatively new to the whole thing- I just thought I had the lowest sex drive ever.

Looking forward to further exploring the community and myself!

[etta]

I'm still not sure if I'm demi or gray-a, but I've been reading a lot about both the past six months or so, and realized that I'm somewhere on the spectrum.

Demi really resonated a lot with me when I found out about it, but as I've yet to be in a relationship (I'm 26), it's more of what I think will happen once I'm finally close to someone, rather than coming to that conclusion based on past experience.

Up through most of high school, I just had no interest at all in dating, never had any crushes. Then I reached a point where the interest in dating was there, but I still never met anyone that I actually wanted to date. (I've also very recently wondered if I'm somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, but I'm still trying to figure that out.) And then once I found out about demisexuality, looking back a lot of things made more sense - like how after seeing a movie a friend would comment that there was a lot of eye candy, and I'd just nod and agree, but really I hadn't given any thought at all to how attractive the actors were.

I've only talked about this with one friend, after discovering that she had recently identified as asexual, but I've been wanting to find an online community where I could talk about it more. And I finally found these forums today, so here I am!

[Perseus]

I figured out that I am truly a Demi-homosexual. I feel awesome and love who I am.

[xavishnu]

Moving my post...