mariana.b Posted May 29, 2012 Share Posted May 29, 2012 If I really, really want to find someone that I can be intimate with and I have experienced romantic feelings and can get somewhat excited by playing hypothetical romantic/sexual situations inside my head but can't get excited with no one real... just this one time while holding hands five years ago... Am I semi, demi or gray? I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
The Joker Posted June 13, 2012 Share Posted June 13, 2012 Can one ever truly figure oneself out? I am unsure as to whether i'm asexual, demi-sexual, or gray-A Link to post Share on other sites
Jillianimal Posted June 14, 2012 Share Posted June 14, 2012 Can one ever truly figure oneself out? I am unsure as to whether i'm asexual, demi-sexual, or gray-A How so? Link to post Share on other sites
Clouded_Leopard Posted June 16, 2012 Share Posted June 16, 2012 Can one ever truly figure oneself out? I am unsure as to whether i'm asexual, demi-sexual, or gray-A I guess some people can, at least as far as they need to, to have a self-identity that they're comfortable with. I've really struggled to settle on any label or even an approximation, but reading this forum has helped me a lot to understand that I'm not alone in my confusion or in some of the feelings I have. So the question for me has become, do I even need to figure myself out in order to enjoy life? And the answer is becoming no. Link to post Share on other sites
vampireprincess91 Posted June 22, 2012 Share Posted June 22, 2012 I just recently found out about this place and about asexuality and everything and I started crying because for once in my life I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. I'm not the only one to feel the way I feel or see things the way I do. It feels so good! Thank you :D Link to post Share on other sites
ThMick Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Gray-Romantic lol :aven: :cake: :cake: :cake: Link to post Share on other sites
ElusiveAppellation Posted July 5, 2012 Share Posted July 5, 2012 Hey, all. I'm new around here, and I'm... somewhere on the gray spectrum, I think? Though I'm also heteroromantic. I've been in a few different long-term relationships, and in two of them, I experienced situations where the girl in question offered sex. In each case, the furthest I could go was kissing and a little fondling with clothes on. Other people have told me they think I simply suffered from performance anxiety, but... I don't feel that's it. In the moment, I wondered why things had to turn overtly sexual, why we couldn't just continue what we were doing. I think I'm demisexual, but... I mean, I thought I was pretty darned close to each of those girls, having been in each of those relationships for months before the situation arose, so that seems like it doesn't bode well for the emotional intimacy I need to actually be okay with sex. I guess I'm also a bit confused because... I definitely can and do find girls attractive, but not in a way that I feel like I want to have sex with them. Last, but not least, while I've never had intercourse IRL, I have used online roleplaying to attempt it. I'm male, and male-assigned-at-birth, and interestingly enough, the only thing that clicks for me with the online roleplaying is playing a character that is physically male except for their genitals, which are female. After a lot of soul-searching, I've come to feel that I'm a strange kind of transgendered person, as well, with genital dysphoria, but no other forms of dysphoria whatsoever. There's a lingering question for me of whether sorting out that dysphoria would suddenly turn me into a sexual person, but that seems unrealistic, and suggests that being some degree of asexual means I'm broken, or not as good as a sexual person. Link to post Share on other sites
oldamongdreams Posted July 22, 2012 Share Posted July 22, 2012 I posted this in the welcome area, but thought I'd post it here as well, as I identify with grey-A more than I do with complete asexuality. I've been sitting in front of my computer crying for the last hour or so. I didn't realize asexuality was a legitimate thing until about a week ago. I found this website a few hours ago. It's just...I've spent my whole life feeling awkward and wrong when it came to romance and sex. I was the kid in middle school who defined date as "I want them to come over to climb trees with me and maybe we could draw, too." I can count on one hand the number of crushes I've had. I had a boyfriend, a few years back. He wanted more from our relationship than I was comfortable giving. And I tried to tell myself that I was just nervous and shy and that I really wanted him the way he wanted me, but the whole time there was a voice in the back of my head saying "this is wrong" and the first thing I would do when I got home was to brush my teeth and tell myself that it would be better next time. I would tell myself that he loved me, and that the cuddling was nice, and that it would be worth it. Needless to say, our relationship ended badly. I've spent the past few years wearing a mask. I'm a college student. You learn how to say the right things, how to verbally express desires you don't feel. But I can count on my thumbs the number of people I've ever been sexually attracted to and I had resigned myself to the fact that I will end up alone after all my friends have grown up and paired off. And then I found this, through Sherlock fanfiction of all places, and I'm crying but they're good tears because I'm not alone. I'm not a freak. And I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. Sorry for the rambly-ness of that, but it's all the things I couldn't say in real life that have needed to be said for so long. The difference is, now I have the words to say them. -Ceb Link to post Share on other sites
Accidental Monster Posted August 10, 2012 Share Posted August 10, 2012 Ok, I'm new here... I don't know much about these things, but I think I might fit into the demi category (although, I hate to categorize people). As it happens, I've never had a truly serious relationship. In my teens and early twenties I had some encounters with the opposite sex, mostly out of curiosity I guess, but that wasn't something I was particularly enthralled with. I was more like "so... THIS is what all the fuss is about? Meh". It's been a few years since I've been with anyone. And, while I do get romantic feelings and generally would not mind having a sexual relationship, I could totally live without the sex. I like the intimacy and being close to one another, but the actual "deed"... well, meh. I know you asexuals get the line "you just haven't met the right one yet" a lot, but I feel that on my part it might just be true. If I met someone whom I really connected with, I might appreciate the physical part more. So far, it has been little more than a way of relieving sexual tension, although it's very rarely I feel the need for that. To me, it's more like just another bodily need, like hunger or thirst (you don't die from lack of sex though :lol:), and relieving it a similarly mechanistic function (you grab a glass of water if you're feeling thirsty, but you don't feel overwhelmingly passionate about it). And just for relieving that need, you don't really need another person now do you? Sometimes, I've considered sex as a price for intimacy. I love the cuddling, being close to another person, feeling their warmth, the very feeling of another living breathing human being there next to you. I would love to just hold a person, without it instantly becoming some sort of foreplay. None of the relationships I've had has been like that, which is why they were all short-lived. Well, mostly that. I never felt any proper connection to these people either. We always had too little in common, or our chemistries simply didn't match. I see no point in faking just to please someone, and trying to keep alive a relationship that's based on a lie. I'm happy with my currently solitary lifestyle, but I still miss that bonding. These days, I don't bother trying much either since most everything seems to revolve around sex. Oh well, enough rambling from me! Link to post Share on other sites
Chayq Posted August 27, 2012 Share Posted August 27, 2012 I'm Grey aswell! Great to see this form!!! and me a member!! Link to post Share on other sites
mi-the-doctor-seeker Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Hey everyone! I'm new here. I'm a poliamorous pansexual female assigned at birth genderqueer/efeminate guy who recently came out as demisexual . My name is Mi and I'm from Portugal (: Link to post Share on other sites
Lisa81 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I used to think I was asexual for awhile until one day I ended up feeling sexual attraction. It wasn't very strong just annoying. So now I label myself as grey asexual, I "experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strongly enough to want to act on them." As soon as I read this,it just clicked with me,how you've described yourself is exactly how I feel. It sounds so simple, but it was difficult for me to put into words. Thank you. Can one ever truly figure oneself out? I am unsure as to whether i'm asexual, demi-sexual, or gray-A I guess some people can, at least as far as they need to, to have a self-identity that they're comfortable with. I've really struggled to settle on any label or even an approximation, but reading this forum has helped me a lot to understand that I'm not alone in my confusion or in some of the feelings I have. So the question for me has become, do I even need to figure myself out in order to enjoy life? And the answer is becoming no. Exactly! I'm 31 next month and I thought I would have figured out who I was and how I felt, but who says I have to have it all worked out? A friend said the other day, that sometimes we don't always get answers to questions and I think I'm ok with that. I have questions about my sexuality, but I can still enjoy my life, so why worry and over analyse how I feel? Link to post Share on other sites
MaidenWolf Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I think I'm a gray a.... not totally sure as I'm new & just figuring all this stuff out. lol. Great site though. It's nice to know I'm not alone in the weirdness that is a sexually charged world. WTH! lol Link to post Share on other sites
trueblue Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 'Sup all? So I think I might be regarded as being grey. I'm one of the ones who likes to hold hands and be all kissy and cuddly but I DON'T LIKE SEX! There seems to be a few of us around, just a shame none of you are from sleepy Norfolk! Well, I'm still learning about all this stuff, would be good to make some contacts, share some stories, so if anyone wants a sympathetic ear, or someone to yell at PM me!! Link to post Share on other sites
Capybara Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 'Sup all? So I think I might be regarded as being grey. I'm one of the ones who likes to hold hands and be all kissy and cuddly but I DON'T LIKE SEX! There seems to be a few of us around, just a shame none of you are from sleepy Norfolk! Well, I'm still learning about all this stuff, would be good to make some contacts, share some stories, so if anyone wants a sympathetic ear, or someone to yell at PM me!! I'm exactly the same! I love all the kissy cuddly stuff but Sex is boring and I don't have any desire for it... (That's a secret irl though because my girlfriend is incredibly sensitive (like francium to water) and if she found out she wouldn't understand and would be incredibly upset) Link to post Share on other sites
french queen Posted October 18, 2012 Share Posted October 18, 2012 I'm very glad to have heard about grey-a and demisexuality. I suspect one of them might describe me. Not that it matters to anyone but me, but I'm a sucker for learning new labels. ;) My own story - which I put in the Welcome forum the other day but will rewrite here - is that I feel love and sexual attraction for one person only, and have done for over thirty years. The catch was, for a long time, that he passed into Spirit many, many years before that. I remember the first time I saw his portrait (in a history book) and turning back to that page repeatedly. So, I guess not demisexual, because the first thing was being struck by how beautiful he was - not sure if it was really sexual attraction, but it wasn't emotional at that stage. That developed with learning more about him, and the sexual attraction grew alongside. Pretty standard heterosexual stuff, I'd have said, except that it's been to the exclusion of anyone else ever since. I might look at people and think "What a good-looking person" but it's on the same level as "What a gorgeous shirt" and rather less excited than "Kittyyyyyyyy!" (Hey, priorities.) The only person who stirs my blood is that one person. BUT the thing that takes this into Different and possibly Strange territory is that it isn't a sad thing at all, or pitiable (which I'm not expecting, but I've received a bit of it over the years). It's joyous, because in the last six years we have been in contact. He knew about me long before I knew about him and was living in hope (WITHOUT trying to influence me) that one day we might get together. Strewth, that makes him sound like a spirit version of the NiceGuy which couldn't be further from the truth, lol. Anyways. Call it astral travel, call it spirit contact, call it imagination, call it whatever: it's my living relationship, it's joyous, it is sexual (probably best described as happening in the mind, here) and it is fulfilling. And even when I thought there could never be a relationship, when I had no idea if there was an afterlife at all, the thing is that nobody else appealed; the idea of sex with any other person, however lovely they were, was actively repellent. I never dated; I hate men trying to flirt. If there was a word for being mono-hetero, I'd use it! :) Link to post Share on other sites
Purnkin Spurce Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I'm really starting to like this place. I feel at home and I can relate to others and vice versa. :D Link to post Share on other sites
OwlSaint Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 What's this? I come back to AVEN and find this awesome section here? :D Link to post Share on other sites
Hanaar Posted December 4, 2012 Share Posted December 4, 2012 Hello everyone! I am a wee lil' grey, and I was thinking about sharing my story at first but it's much more difficult for me than I thought. I'll probably do it sometime in the future though. Link to post Share on other sites
mokins Posted December 20, 2012 Share Posted December 20, 2012 So, I'm new to AVEN and don't know what Gray-A, Demisexual, Semisexual, Heteroromantic, etc. mean. I came to this thread hoping to figure it out. Any help? Link to post Share on other sites
Martin7 Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 I'm new here. I started looking up this asexual stuff because of a recent article I recently read about. The article was about some famous guy who said he was asexual. I've thought about it before, but asexuality never seemed to match me, however being a 35 year old virgin and not caring about sex or dating too much, I decided to learn more about it. I found AVEN through various answers on Yahoo Answers and decided to check it out. Reading further into it, I learned of Gray-A's. The Gray-A definition seems to fit me more than sexual or asexual since I seem to yo-yo back and forth. Then I read a few threads about older virgins and learned that I wasn't as alone as I previously thought. I was amazed how many people on this site are older virgins like me. That really made my day and it made me take it more seriously. When I saw the Gray-A thread I decided to join up and learn more about it. It's only been a couple of days, but so far it's been educational. This is amazing! I just found this side of Aven! this Gray-A thread! I just read your post and I feel the same (same age here too!) Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
H3DW1G Posted December 21, 2012 Share Posted December 21, 2012 I just finished watching the documentary (A)Sexual on Netflix and had to join the website. I'm Queer identified, but I have felt largely asexual most of my life and have often found little acceptance in queer communities for reasons which can be filed under 'not queer enough' and 'not political enough.' Sex has been sporadically a part of my life, but I have very rarely experienced what I would call a sex-drive. I find my life far more relaxed when sex and even romantic relationships do not figure into the picture, and I can focus my energy into my creative pursuits. I always believed there was some underlying issue which could account for this, but the older I grow the clearer it is to me that I am just not a very sexual person, at least in any traditional sense. It's wonderful to finally know of a community like this. Link to post Share on other sites
AsexualMaybe Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I'm new here and not sure where to post, I'm kinda confused and think I may be asexual? What forum do I post on? Link to post Share on other sites
ThunderGrey Posted December 24, 2012 Share Posted December 24, 2012 I'm new on AVEN, so I don't know what it was like without the Grey-Area, but I have to say, when I saw it, as a newly identified Grey-A, I felt a bit of relief. Just when your still figuring things out, it's good to have a place to go where ppl are similar to you. So yeah, super glad the Grey Area exists! Link to post Share on other sites
Tommy2700 Posted December 25, 2012 Share Posted December 25, 2012 I've passed by the AVEN website many times and never felt that it was an exact fit for me since I am not a person who NEVER experiences sexual attraction. It was this forum, the Gray-A, Demisexual, and Semisexual forum of this site that helped me see that this is a much closer fit to who I am sexually. I took that "flextuality" test that's online and scored as a "flexamorous" person, which I guess makes sense, since I'm not that stingy with romance with respect to gender. However; as stated earlier, although I experience sexual attraction, it's the way I prioritize and contextualize it in my life that make me say - I'm not just one of the average sexual guys. An orgasm is not the desired endpoint of sex for me. The endpoint of sex is feeling bonded to my partner and my partner feeling bonded/connected to me. I have always thought of my sexuality as falling into a shade of gray, but I am very gratified to find this forum and think it serves as a framework to discuss it with others. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesapphire13 Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Hi, I just learned the word "Demisexual" a few days ago. When I Googled it, I realized it sounded a lot like me, at least to some extent. I actually do have what I think is probably a normal sex drive, but it's usually not attached to another person, if that makes any sense. I like reading erotica and things like that sometimes, but I am rarely attracted to another person in real life. When I am, it's not a primary sexual attraction, but rather a secondary one (based on emotional attachment rather than external characteristics). I identified as lesbian for many years; since I need a strong emotional connection and it's easier for me to do that with another woman, but wasn't entirely comfortable with the label. At first I thought I had just repressed feelings of attraction toward women, but when I started dating women, I realized I'm not attracted to women very often either. I don't think it's repression. I was actually raised in a really liberal household and I didn't even lose any friends when I came out as a lesbian. I had heard of asexuality but didn't think it applied to me because as I said, I do have a sex drive. I knew my love life was dismal but thought if I just did something different or was something different, I could fix it. I don't mean to imply that any type of asexuality is something that needs to be fixed; it isn't. It's just that at 42 I'm finally coming to terms with how different I really am from everyone else and it's freaking me out. I guess I would describe myself as demisexual, biromantic. I'm happy to see a forum like this. I see it's been a while since anyone has posted and am hoping to see more posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Electrogiene Posted January 25, 2013 Share Posted January 25, 2013 Hello, I really admire your candor and am still trying to figure it out for myself. Not really clear about these labels. I cannot ID with one b/c I don't really know the definitions of each... Can someone please direct me? Maybe I am just missing something, is there a tab with information somewhere? The weird thing is I use to be quite sexual.....now, nothing. It's like my sexuality has been amputated. Do I fit here? Link to post Share on other sites
purplesapphire13 Posted January 26, 2013 Share Posted January 26, 2013 Electrogiene, demisexual means you don't experience sexual attraction unless you have a close emotional bond with someone. It doesn't exactly describe me because, as I said, I can experience sexual feelings that aren't attached to another person at all (autosexual, I think you'd call it), but I can (rarely) be attracted to another person if there is a close emotional bond; this person is most likely to be a woman but could possibly be a man. Anyway, hope that helps a little, still learning about all this myself and I plan to read some of the other forum topics; I think you can probably get a lot of information from just exploring the forums. But I wanted to mention, since you used to be quite sexual, I am wondering if something caused the change, like hormonal birth control, or antidepressants. Just something to consider. Link to post Share on other sites
jaffacake21 Posted February 3, 2013 Share Posted February 3, 2013 Hello I'm new and trying to educate myself. What's gray A? And what does demisexual mean? And will someone please teach me how to give cake to other newbies :( Link to post Share on other sites
jaffacake21 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I've learnt what a lot of the terms mean over the last few days, so I know how to describe myself now :) but gray A? Still not sure what that means.... Link to post Share on other sites
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