Gray-A, Demisexual, Semisexual, Welcome!

[A_dri-d]

My Re'post.:

I happened upon this site by mistake. I was looking up the definition of 'asexuality' because an unknown person on this app called 'whisper' had suggested I might be asexual. Long story'short, I was excited by this site because it explained so much and I accepted it, but a few hours later . . . Not so much && today I finally "re-accepted" that I'm Gray-A .

So, hello!

[darkspur]

Hi all! I've been lurking on and off today and thought I'd introduce myself.

So a series of confusing events led me here...basically a sexual encounter I had last week caused me to reevaluate all my romantic and sexual interests, and I realized I am very much demisexual. I cannot become sexually attracted to a partner unless I have a very strong emotional bond with them, and sometimes that bond takes years to form (it has happened to me, and I have felt it, but it was over two years ago and that person is no longer in my life).

As for romantic attachments, I had no idea what this attraction I would sometimes feel toward non-male individuals could be. Being raised in a conservative Christian household made me disavow those thoughts as sinful, but looking back, they were just asexual romantic interests. So my romantic identity is still a bit wibbly-wobbly, but I am definitely comfortable with "demisexual."

I look forward to chatting with you all, and learning from your stories!

[who me?]

Hm... I can to this forum feeling as if I can relate to asexuality but not completely convinced that it described me. I don't feel a particular need to label myself, although they can be useful, and have realised that the description of demisexual probably would describe my sexuality the best.

[MeadowRose]

I like this http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/asexual-spectrum_n_3428710.html?1371648467 link (posted much more cleanly by periwinkle00). This has helped a lot. I don't like labels so much either, but I would like to understand the terms that others use to describe people. I guess now I could say that I am a heteroromantic gray-a or demisexual. I have been in several relationships (including two marriages), but have never really enjoyed the 'sex part' of relationships. Sex was mostly to satisfy the other person, and because it was what I think of as 'normal'. I am grateful to have found this community. I still would like a romantic relationship, but also like my own space more than most people. Hopefully this will move me towards a better understanding of myself so that I can move forward with my life on a better trajectory.

[Ewok]

It took me a long time to figure myself out, but I am queer-romantic grey-A. I was confused for a long time, being neither sexual nor asexual, but here I am. In the grey zone.

:D

That being said, I could live from now to forever without sexual contact, and I don't experience sexual attraction (Emotional attraction and an appreciation for aesthetics - big fat yes). Trying to find a partner with a similar view has been rough.

I would be much happier in a relationship with an asexual or a demisexual than a sexual person, for sure. One day I'll find a lady-type who is awesome and amazing and thinks the best evening ever is cuddles on the couch watching bad SF. :D

[stephani-d]

Not sure if I'm Gray-A or Demi or what. I've had 3 girlfriends, all long-distance, all ended because there was a boy at her school she wanted to go out with. Not really worried about finding the right words @tM, esp with my limited experience.

[Aegaleus]

Got pointed here by some nice people on fetlife. Looking to find out more about why I'm how I am, hopefully, here.

[Firespirit]

I'm a bit confused, and I apologize if I'm not using the right vocabulary...I'm not new to the fact that asexuality is a sexual orientation, but did not know that there is a spectrum of it, let alone that I may be on that spectrum. Here goes...

Sex itself and sexual activity past maybe caressing is totally repulsive to me. I have a lot of sexual experience. These experiences were an attempt to "fit in", or because I was "bartering" sex for the mental and emotional connections that would hopefully come with it. I was having sex for my partners, who clearly expected it. I thought that *not* wanting sex was a kind of pathology and that I'd somehow start to like it one day.

That "one day" hasn't happened. I'm sure at this point that while I'm a romantic person, experience love in various forms and crushes on a rather rare basis, that I'd run faster than an Olympic sprinter if someone tried to get sexual with me!

This realization, that I really, really don't want sex and have only been going along with it, came very recently. I haven't had sex in about a year and feel so much freer!

My romantic and loving feelings, as well as asthetic appreciation, are pan. I realized this and felt liberated, however would never consider having sex with anyone, and I do not look at anyone and think sexual things about them. People are beautiful, but not sex objects.

What do you think could be an appropriate "label", or am I simply me? I was thinking something like "panromantic asexual". ??? Thoughts?

[faintlymacabre]

I am either gray or demi. I do enjoy sex on occasion and it does not disgust me.

[Pasta_Princess]

I've only just discovered the term demisexual a few months ago and I finally feel like there's a word to describe me. I've been in one serious relationship that lasted a little over a year and I didn't experience any sexual attraction whatsoever. Only a few years later did I start developing physical attraction to that person (we kept in contact). Otherwise, I've had no desire to engage in anything sexual or even physical.

[Niteowl255]

Thanks for sharing the link, I'm new to this site and I know lable aren't alway exact but I would consider myself an Heteroromantic Demisexual. I just recently saw the movie (A)Sexual movie and it really got me thinking. I've alway felt different and never really knew how I fit in to this world. After seeing the movie and really made me feel like there is really all sort of people out there and that I don't have to adapt myself to some lable that I'm I don't really feel fits me. But also I could not see myself as totaly asexual but after looking at the link you shared I think that I finally found a way to really feel comfortable with myself and who I am.

I like this http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/19/asexual-spectrum_n_3428710.html?1371648467 link (posted much more cleanly by periwinkle00). This has helped a lot. I don't like labels so much either, but I would like to understand the terms that others use to describe people. I guess now I could say that I am a heteroromantic gray-a or demisexual. I have been in several relationships (including two marriages), but have never really enjoyed the 'sex part' of relationships. Sex was mostly to satisfy the other person, and because it was what I think of as 'normal'. I am grateful to have found this community. I still would like a romantic relationship, but also like my own space more than most people. Hopefully this will move me towards a better understanding of myself so that I can move forward with my life on a better trajectory.

[Superdupes]

Hi! I'm really new- I heard a friend talking about demi sexuality at school, and figured I'd take a look, only to raise that actually it pretty much fits me right now. I've only ever had about three crushes ever- all on people I have known for a god while beforehand. Also, in the one relationship that I've had, I've never been interested so much in the sex, although whether that was due to lack of sexual desire or just an awful partner, I'm not entirely sure. But apart from this one relationship and two unrequited loves, I have never really felt sexual attraction to anyone- especially not evera stranger.

I have always felt uncomfortable around my friends all talking about boys and relationships, or about crushes and thinking people are attractive right away. It's so lovely to know that I'm not alone feeling this way <3

[Zakeeah]

Hi everyone.

I have never really thought about my sexual nature much in the past. It was just how I am. I can go years between sexual encounters and be just fine with that. My interactions with men are very positive until their lusting starts to grate on me. Dating is fine, so is holding hands and cuddling. More than that and I start to pull away. My last boyfriend was very sexual and me not so much. After sex I usually feel so awkward that I would come up with all sorts of excuses not to have sex again or to at least put about a week or two between episodes. Don’t get me wrong, I really cared about him. I enjoyed all of the time we spent together conversing, going out, just interacting. But at the end of the day I wanted to go home, shower, read a book or just do anything other than have sex. When I think about relationships, I crave everything but the sex. I can’t make my family understand, they all just think that I’m saving myself for someone worthwhile. I wouldn’t lie and say I would not like to have a partner to share my life with, I do. He would just have to understand that I have a huge disclaimer printed on my nether regions!

[anvidD0714]

I have also been curious as to why I can easily make friends with both females and males, and for most of the males it can be either platonic or they want to get from the friend zone. I'm pansexual but lean towards being heterosexual. I'm female and never realized others felt the same. By that I mean I didn't know there was a word for demisexual. It's good to know I'm not really the only one who experienced these same questions.

[nolongeractive]

For me this was all so confusing at first, but after doing the research it makes sense to me. Basically I feel romantic attraction and yeah, those um...URGY kinda feelings, so to say sometimes. But i dont want to act on them. The idea of doing the do is pretty ewww me no want never ever ever for me XD

[QueenCreole]

Hello everyone! I am semi-new to the site. But, I can say that it is so amazing to me!

I wonder if I'm the only one who is divorced with child(ren).

I'm 30 and finally realizing that I am asexual.

But, my family/friends don't believe me. They think it's just because I'm getting out of a tough marriage.

Just looking to connect!

[anvidD0714]

Nope, they're mistaken. Be true to yourself. I'm in a serious commitment but it can be more like best friends and little on the benefits. If you know what I mean? For me sex is great but far between. You know u best and if it's really a phase only u will figure itbout.

[KevCo]

Hey all - as my first post to this site, I would first like to say THANK YOU!

I know I'm not ASexual, but was shown a documentary on asexuality and started doing more research.... I found I really identify with Demisexuals. It was odd though, because when I started looking into this, I had a couple "test conversations" with a couple of my friends (one straight, two gay) and was given all the same responses the asexuals in the documentary had ("You're just inexperienced.", "You're just picky.", "Bull****, no one has no sex drive, you're just coming up with excuses for being single."). Because of this, I'm pretty sure if I "came out", it would require a TON of explaination and attemps to convince them that it wouldn't be totaly worth the effort.

I have always wondered if there was something wrong with me for desiring a relationship more for the emotional and loving bond of companionship than sex. Sex is nice, but not great, and not my priority... I've had GFs break up with me because I took things too slow - when in my mind, I thought the emotional bond was soaring. When I tried to speed things up sexually, I've never felt comfortable, and tended to lose the feelings I had for the woman in the first place.

So, maybe this is a start for me. A place where I can meet other people who don't need/crave/desire sex in a relationship.

Again, while I may not end up posting a whole lot - I will be around, because I find its nice to read that others have some of the same issues I have. Thank you!

ejq, I really like and relate to what you've said. I love having strong relationships with a wide variety of people, that's just what I naturally want to do. It wouldn't be right for me to be stuck in an intense, inwardly-focused romantic/sexual relationship. If it's possible for me to form a strong "significant other" type of relationship, it would take a very long time. I've put off the women I date because it takes time and I can't fake it.

I am from a rural part of the southwestern US where there tend to be a lot of tight-knit groups from various backgrounds. There is a clan mentality. I personally like this and relate to it. I remember reading one native leader discussing the inclusion of people who are are queer, disabled, incarcerated, or otherwise "different", and noted "we don't waste people the way whites tend to." Not to put traditional groups on too high a pedestal, but I agree and appreciate this way of thinking. The monomania of many White Anglo-Saxon Protestant marriages makes me uneasy and depressed.

Fred Savage, writer of the Savage Love column, referred to what this site calls grey-A and demisexual as "minimally sexual." I like this term- it's simple, not stigmatized, and not wordy. I like that people outside of this asexual circle have a concept of it.

I'm 33 and feel pretty good about my situation- single, not having sex, open to dating but generally on my terms. I try to have a meaningful and enjoyable life. The ones out there who would be a good romantic match for me are probably few and far between. Sometimes I think I must be a little old to not have tried anything more- so I looked up a little about virginity and celibacy. We are probably in better company than we imagine- with about 2% of the adult population identifying as virgins:

http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/sexless-in-the-city-the-truth-about-adult-virgins

http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr036.pdf Hard data from the government! pages 17-25 include some info on virginity.

It's easy to get caught up in how things are apparently "supposed to be". I like knowing that there are people who I can relate to, and I believe there are a lot more of us out there than is often thought. Thanks for your time, people, I hope for more discussions.

[margeknowsbest]

New to this forum and so happy it exists! Can someone please define demisexuality and also gray-a. Does it mean gray area or gray asexuality?

Pasta_princess,

I can relate to your experience of being in a long term realationship and not feeling anything sexual until years later while still preserving the friendship. I thought I was being selfish but maybe I just have to know the person for a very long time and trust them.

[CharlotteA]

Yay, also happy to have found this place. :) I am a definite Grey-A ... I only ever experience arousal in connection with my fetish, which is so out-there that it is basically off the table in any actual real-life relationship... so for all intents and purposes, I feel asexual. I guess I have an "out" in that I can work myself up with erotica (of my own making, since hardly anyone shares my kink) and transfer this into my real-life relationship, but it doesn't always work. Being in a relationship with a conventionally sexual person has been a struggle, but he knows I am a fetishist and he tries to understand. Still, many fights. Many struggles.

[Lime-Valley]

So I realized in recent months that I had never really thought about my sexuality and how I actually labeled myself. I was raised in a rather conservative family and just accepted what I was told, that I was a girl and that I liked boys. Now that I'm older, on my own, and after learning some basics about asexuality, gray-as, and demis I decided I wanted to learn more. After learning more, I realize I identify a lot more as demisexual. And now that I'm a little more certain about my sexuality, or lack thereof, I decided to finally join the forum!

So I'm still a little nervous about the idea of telling my hypersexual boyfriend and telling my friends that I'm demisexual so I'm really hoping to make some friends here and gain a support system before I finally try to explain everything to them.

[ladygrey-ace]

Hi there! I'm relatively new to AVEN and still trying to figure out how everything works, so I thought I could introduce myself over here. I discovered that I am grey-a about six or so months ago, and I'm slowly telling a few of my friends, classmates, and only one of my family members, which actually was accidental. I'm still nervous about telling my parents and other family members about being grey-asexual, or whether or not I should even tell them at all, but I'm happy that there are other people like me, and that I know I'm not alone or broken or wrong in some way.

[batgendered]

Hi everyone! I'm new to AVEN and happy that there's a section for gray-aces here. I feel like I fit most of the examples of being gray-asexual given on the AVEN wiki, so I figure I must be a gray-ace, haha. It's nice to meet everybody! :)

[Ricki]

Hi there! I'm relatively new to AVEN and still trying to figure out how everything works, so I thought I could introduce myself over here. I discovered that I am grey-a about six or so months ago, and I'm slowly telling a few of my friends, classmates, and only one of my family members, which actually was accidental. I'm still nervous about telling my parents and other family members about being grey-asexual, or whether or not I should even tell them at all, but I'm happy that there are other people like me, and that I know I'm not alone or broken or wrong in some way.

Hello!

Don't tell them until you are comfortable or happy to do so. Many people on AVEN will say how easy it was and others will flatly refuse to do it. Only open yourself to those you want to and when you want to :)

That aside - Welcome :D have some

[ebonywings]

Anybody wear an asexuality ring (black on the right middle finger)? What has been the response, if any, towards it?

I'm a demi-gray asexual. Haven't found the right person for me yet, but hey, isn't that the life?

[tim90]

I posted this in the welcome section of the forum, but thought I might as well introduce myself here to. :)

Hi everyone.

Just signed up here so thought I would offer a brief introduction.

My name is Tim and I’m a published author, and soon to be published poet. Having spent the best part of ten years (since about the age of 13) being very confused as to just what my sexuality was, I finally discovered demisexuality earlier this year and now happily identify as such. I’ve been meaning to sign up for this forum for a while but I’ve only now gotten round to doing it.

If anyone is interested, or wants to know any more about me, I recently launched a blog which contains my fiction, nonfiction, and poetry. It is a very new blog though so there are only a few things up there just now. I do intend on writing a (hopefully) quite lengthy piece on demisexuality soon though, so I will be sure to share that when I do.

http://clearersky.wordpress.com/

Tim J

[vast_ocean]

Hi! I've been signed up on here a while but I'm trying to become a bit more active. I've recently done a bit more reading and discovered the label demisexual fits pretty well for me.

Thought I would pop in here and introduce myself! -> my name is Zoe :)

[FireBendingAce]

Hi guys!

I just felt like introducing myself; my name is Emily, I just signed up, and I'm demisexual :)

[Rinetto]

Hello!

I am new here. I tentatively describe myself as grey-a, as I am still not certain and have not told anyone in my life yet. I am excited to find other people who are going through the same things as me!

[Onmyouji]

Hi!

Before anything else, I want to give a huge thanks to Naosuu for the Sexual Attraction Debate 101 thread. In particular, the description of a cliche "mixed relationship" matched my situation almost perfectly, and in so doing also solved it because now my partner and I can simply accept that I'm somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and move on with life.

At the moment I believe I'm probably gray-asexual because I definitely feel sexual arousal and attraction (in more or less exactly the way a hetero male is socially expected to), but I can relate very strongly to most of the posts in threads like this one that describe the fantasy as exciting but the actual act as boring or a chore. I look forward to reading more threads like that and learning more about other people's experiences.