Fellow Sexuals

[KittyCat1104]

Very sexual person dating an asexual and considering open relationship?

 

Short Summary: I'm very sexual and my partner has no interest in me sexually. Struggling to come to terms with it and partner has offered me open relationship with a friend of mine he knows i trust. Friend is keen. I'm scared of losing my relationship and one of my best friends. 

 

Full story

So I'm a very sexual person who ended up in a relationship with an asexual without realizing it. We met when we were 14 when i moved to the country and became best friends very quickly. We were both crazy about eachother and all of our friends knew it but we were too shy. Just after we turned 16 he finally asked me out，although we were going out to the movies etc just us long before that. He had never had a girlfriend before but i had kissed and dated several guys (no further than second base). I found myself having to teach him things i thought should be natural like how to kiss or to notice when i wore a low cut shirt. After nearly a year we finally slept together. I had been trying to initiate it since about three or four months into our relationship although i had never had any sexual urges to any previous boyfriends beyond kissing. We had fooled around prior to this but the first time i suggested a blow job it took me nearly 4 hours to convince him to let me try. I didn't think much of it as once i got started (and figured it out) he did enjoy it. I thought his reluctance to sleep with me was due to my being sexually assaulted shortly before we got together officially and again thought nothing of his reluctance. He had no natural instincts when it came to sex and i found that it all fell to me to initiate and do all the work. It was about 3 months between each time we had sex which i related back to the fact i worked full time and he worked part time and we were both studying full time at high school. We moved in together during our last year of high school in an effort to see eachother more and get me out of a difficult family situation. When that happened our sex life greatly increased. Some days it would happen 5 or 6 times and i for the first time found myself sexually satisfied. About a month later we started to have issues. He would go soft inside of me or not be able to get it up altogether. I related this to the pressure of our upcoming exams. Three months later things went back to how they were when i first moved in once we had both graduated and were working full time. We then decided to move country to say goodbye to my dying grandfather and allow him to meet all my siblings. Six months later we moved back but to a different state to meet his family. A week ago we moved back to the city that we met in. Since leaving in February we've had sex 5 or 6 times. He thought it might be due to my weight gain (i was 50kg and size 6/8 au when we got together，now a size 12au) which made me feel so awful about myself and stop eating again (eating disorder was the reason i got so skinny before my relationship). Our relationship was suffering as i began to resent him for it as it got to the point where i couldn't sleep at night and he resented himself for making me unhappy. We each stayed at a friends house for a couple of days until our house was ready to move into. My friend however came onto me very explicitly sexually and made me feel something i hadnt felt with my SO in a year. We didn't do anything as i stopped it before it got out of hand. I spoke to my partner and he wasn't angry at me. He thought it was his fault as he had been denying me something i felt i needed. I had always been very open with him about my desires sexually even when we weren't having sex. He promised to make it up to me and when we moved in together we had sex. It was awful. I found that i had been more turned on by my friend kissing my neck than i was by actually having sex with him as i could tell he wasn't remotely interested. I spoke about it to another friend who suggested that my partner may well be asexual. I explained to my partner what asexuality was and my suspicion that he was. He was relieved. He said that explained why he never felt the urge to have sex with me. He was willing to have sex as he didn't mind it once we had started but the idea itself was very stressful to him. I mentioned that our mutual friend had suggested an open relationship for my benefit. My partner agreed. As long as it is purely sexual and with the friend i stayed with i am free to do what i like as long as i don't tell him exactly what or when. That was two days ago and i have been doing my best to research to figure out if an open relationship would work. I love my partner more than anything. He is truly my best friend. We're now 19 and have a joint bank account，are renting together and everything works except sexually as he is only really into cuddles and kisses. I guess what I'm after is the knowledge that this could really work. I'm sexually attracted to the guy i have permission to sleep with and he is a very good friend who I've known since i was 15 who has no contact with my significant other. He's sexually experienced and very keen on the agreement my significant other has proposed. I'm just scared i could lose my partner and one of my best friends. I desperately want this to work as I'm too sexually frustrated to sleep but I'm not willing to lose either one if them.

 

Reason I'm posting:

Has anyone else been in or is in a similar situation? I've spent the last 6 hours watching youtube videos trying to get an answer and i was led here. Any response is appreciated. 

-Cat

[cupid69]

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[Perkins]

Found it, got curious, never left. Pretty simple.

[Jim_molemaster]

On 8/26/2016 at 2:36 AM, caffeine said:

Yeah, sorry, no. 1) It's insensitive as hell. 2) Opening a relationship up is just another way of showing trust; in some ways it actually shows more trust than never even considering the option that your partner might have needs you can't meet.

So, first post to this (or any thread!) so far, other than the welcome. But I have been pondering the option of an open relationship. So I am curious, are there any mixed couples out there that have made that kind of arrangement work?

 

I have a very close, even loving relationship with an ace woman. But sex is definitely off the table, and I'm struggling with it. Especially since, she does seem ok with the idea of me seeking other partners, I'm worried about a) what if I end up doing with a new partner a lot of the activities we've enjoyed doing together and that pushes me and my ace apart, and b) what if that new partner can't stand the idea of me having a close friendship with this person?

 

Obviously there are lots of other factors. But it's scary because us working out that she was an asexual helped moved the communication and trust in the relationship forward a lot, and I don't want to lose that.

[cupid69]

On 12/17/2016 at 6:51 PM, Jim_molemaster said:

 

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[Ruuubyy94]

A bit late to the party - but I'm here because my wife is a (relatively newly discovered) greyromantic ace, whilst I'm a very romantic sexual. It's been a rocky first year and a half of marriage, but we both love each other very much, and have joined AVEN to find support and make our marriage work. For the sake of our love for each other, our baby son, and our sanity. 

[cupid69]

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[Randombamfan]

Hey! 

TW - sexuality, sex, relationship, brief mention of cramps, mental health, injury and dysmorphia. Very long Long post, sorry! 
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I am Trans-masculine and my partner is CIS female. I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years now, she is my best friend and the love of my life. It's important to me that this works, I have recently moved across the country to be closer to her again (We used to live together, she moved away for work). 

We have had points in the past few years that you may consider 'dry spells' where we hadn't been sleeping together for long periods of time, The most recent being two years. 
Now I have always been pretty sexual and when we first got together we were all over each other. Now that has come to a halt. After several discussions she said to me that it wasn't me she just didn't find anyone attractive and was never in the mood, Like at all. So we discussed the idea of her being Asexual, she went away and did research and she agrees with me. 

She isn't sex repulsed, she enjoys sex once we start getting intimate. The problem being how to get it started, without damaging my fragile self. She suffers with a severely bad back after breaking it several years ago, mental health, dysmorphia and cramps. So there are more often times that are a no go for me than there are. I don't know this though, so I try and get shut down for one of the above reasons. Which is fine I understand, though after so long I started to think maybe it's me? 
Despite constant reassurance from her, I know that's my crazy to deal with though.

I don't know how to make it move forward? I love her and intend on marrying her, but don't want to just stop having sex. It's getting to a point where I am seriously considering sleeping with other people, but I don't think she would be okay with that, I also do t know if I could handle it. 

We need some mind of green light system! LOL 😂

[cupid69]

x

[Randombamfan]

7 hours ago, Apostle said:

And I thought I had problems...........................

If after 6 years you are still hankering after a sexual relationship and it really hasn't occurred in that time frame then I'm fairly sure it won't in the future. You're the only one who is going to make a compromise here without making her do something that she clearly doesn't want. If you really want to continue in this relationship I would advise you talk it over with her in an honest way. Sexual people always have to give way to maintain a relationship. She may compromise by allowing you to have a sexual relationship but in a way this is covering up a flaw and both of you would be then living a lie. Good luck!

Did you read my post? She is not a sex repulsed A sexual, she just never fancies it. She doesn't become arroused at random moments and look at people and want to jump their bones. When we are intimate I can assure you it has Been thouraghly enjoyable. We have great communication and are very open. 

 

So do I want to make this work, she has informed me that she does enjoy the sex. Just never craves it. 

 

Im looking for advice on how we can make it work.

[cupid69]

On 1/5/2017 at 12:35 AM, Randombamfan said:

 

 

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[Sally]

On 1/4/2017 at 6:52 AM, Randombamfan said:

 I love her and intend on marrying her

It sounds like there are a lot of things to investigate and solve before you think about marriage.  It's definitely not easier dealing with stuff when you're married than before you make that commitment.  

[Max Payne]

I'm a sexual male, but also an aromantic.
The only real reason of  sex is to keep the bloodline in the family going.

It is nice to have some physical appeal ,but not necessary. 

[cupid69]

On 1/18/2017 at 1:03 AM, Tri-Point said:

 

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[AshenPhoenix]

Hey ho! Realized I wasn't on this thread so might as well "officially" throw my hat in as a sexual on the forum.

 

Homosexual biromantic here. Kinda just started late.

[Max Payne]

41 minutes ago, Apostle said:

Presumably that is your personal point of view regarding keeping the family bloodline going as it would be absurd to say it is the only reason. Most sexuals enjoy having a sexual relationship for a multitude of reasons, most of them of a pleasure, recreational and a bonding nature. Remember, having children is the best killer of passion so when it comes to the crunch, the dynamics will surely change!!!!

Career and establishment over sex etc. I've already been nagged by my grandparents wanting to see their great grandchildren before they die.
 

 

edit: add on

I've already seen a single father of two go from high school drop out to a business manager in a major tech company.

Edited January 18, 2017 by Tri-Point
Add -on

[nanogretchen4]

If you are cismale, the ethical strategies for continuing your bloodline include finding a female looking for a platonic coparenting arrangement, hiring a surrogate, or inventing the uterine replicator. I vote for the uterine replicator.

[asfi]

On 2016-12-17 at 1:51 PM, Jim_molemaster said:

So, first post to this (or any thread!) so far, other than the welcome. But I have been pondering the option of an open relationship. So I am curious, are there any mixed couples out there that have made that kind of arrangement work?

In a word: YES. Okay, I'm in a slightly different situation (I'm grey-a and my spouse is pretty enthusiastically sexual) but we've always had an open relationship, right from the get-go.We both feel this makes our relationship stronger, not weaker.

 

On 2016-12-17 at 1:51 PM, Jim_molemaster said:

I have a very close, even loving relationship with an ace woman. But sex is definitely off the table, and I'm struggling with it. Especially since, she does seem ok with the idea of me seeking other partners, I'm worried about a) what if I end up doing with a new partner a lot of the activities we've enjoyed doing together and that pushes me and my ace apart, and b) what if that new partner can't stand the idea of me having a close friendship with this person?

 

Obviously there are lots of other factors. But it's scary because us working out that she was an asexual helped moved the communication and trust in the relationship forward a lot, and I don't want to lose that.

It's a common (and legitimate) fear with people who are opening up their relationships. Trust and communication are important to making it work out, but it sounds like you're already on a pretty solid footing in that respect.

 

You will have to deal with moralising obligate-monogamists who will insist that what you're doing is wrong. Remind yourself that that's just their kink, and while it's fine for them you've no obligation to play along.

[cupid69]

On 1/22/2017 at 8:54 PM, asfi said:

 

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[asfi]

7 hours ago, Apostle said:

You have to remember that generally, females act more on their emotions and not with their heads when it comes to relationships. That will be the risk that confronts you.Take it if you think you can handle it as nobody on these forums would say yes or no to your eventual choice as everyone is different.

Congratulations, your comment is simultaneously content-free and annoying.

[frankie444]

well its an odd one for me, was on this site and i joined in 2012 on a different account. I used to identify as aromantic asexual. Anyway times changed and in 2015 realised i was sexual and have been since. I met my partner then and felt the same as him in a sexual way. 
I dont understand the reasons behind this, but what will be will be

[cupid69]

On 1/24/2017 at 7:32 PM, asfi said:

 

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[AshenPhoenix]

A friendly reminder to everyone that both personal insults and inflaming are against the AVEN ToS, let's try to keep things as civil as possible

 

AshenPhoenix, For Sexual Partners, Friends, and allies Moderator

[elcardee64]

I got on this forum only a couple of nights ago. I am 64 yrs. old, married to the same woman for approximately 40 yrs. I am very much a sexual being who is both passionate and romantic toward women. My wife, on the other hand, is roughly the same age, post-menopausal and we have one child together. Neither of us were ever married to any other spouse, nor do we have any other children from previous relationships. For the vast majority of those 40 yrs. ( I would say at least 25-30 of them), my wife has displayed an ever-decreasing demonstration of interest in any kind of sexual activity. Yes, I know, some of this might rightly be attributed to the ravages of aging...but, it is not a normal decline. In fact, she only went along with it, in my opinion, for appearances sake even in our much younger years. I have not had sex of any description with her for at least 10 yrs. now. I have developed a real resentment toward her, due to her disinterest in me sexually, and now I am not even sure I would want it again with her because of the perceived insult. So, what am I looking for, you might ask? I guess it is just that I am wondering how someone could have been so determined to avoid sex in her marriage for so long a time. Surely, she must have known how much pain and frustration she was causing me through all these lonely years, she just didn't seem to care. I am just looking for some answers to try and rationalize the monumental waste of my affections while living with this apparently asexual woman.

[Hysteriaangel]

Hello, I am new here too. I just found this site about 2 weeks ago. I'd been browsing random articles online because I needed to know I wasn't alone in my situation. Little did I know when I found this site that it was actually more common than I thought. I don't wish the feelings and longing I feel on anyone but its such a relief to know that its not just me. I had a talk with my husband about our issues... I let him read some stuff on here and he has identified as asexual. Finally a piece to the puzzle. I have a lot of repairing to do. I feel this is a step in the right direction. I have only been married about 1 year but we have been together about 4. I've always been very sexual in my relationships. I like to consider myself the right mix of both generous and greedy. Very early in the relationship we had sex about 2 times a week. That lasted about a month when he told me I wanted it too much. I was devastated. I had never had someone say that to me! I accepted it and didn't think too much about it. After that it was much more uncommon. He also didn't kiss or touch me anymore.  It wa s always super quick with no regard for my satisfaction. It started to bother me. I didn't say anything. It happened even less and less. I'm sorry if this is TMI but all of my partners have been ok with period sex. One day I initiated (like usual) and he couldn't perform. I was upset because we had gone so long without I felt I was repulsive. I confronted him and he said he didn't like to have period sex. (it hadn't been our first time) I apologized!!!! I told him he should have told me long ago. I never wanted him to do anything he didn't like. I told him to be more open with me about that stuff. He said he was afraid I wouldn't like him. So fast forward. We were going months without. He still didn't kiss or touch me. He doesn't like foreplay... He doesn't like flirting. He doesn't like me pressuring him for anything. I was so confused as to what was wrong with me. I had gained a little weight and thought it was that. He told me it wasn't me. Before we got married I cheated. He was very forgiving tho it hurt him immensely. I wanted to feel attractive.. I wanted to feel desired. It didn't help because it was him I wanted. I began to be bitter and resentful. He would go about his day to day despite how many times I brought up how I was feeling. We haven't had a successful session of sex in probably a year. I hated myself. I couldn't look in the mirror. I cry when I see a couple on a show share a passionate kiss. I have dreams of him kissing me and right when I think it'll lead to something he turns me away and says he doesn't want me anymore. The anger I've been carrying has been unbearable. I think about cheating on a regular basis. Now I know he can't help it. I've been thinking after we finish our move into our new house that I'll bring up an open relationship. I'm not sure if its the answer. All I know is that I can't go on emotionally starved like I am. I don't even need the sex!! A real kiss.. a touch.. something intimate. Something that makes me feel more than a glorified friend. I need the bond. I need to feel like the attractive woman I know in my heart that I am. 

[cupid69]

On 2/5/2017 at 11:03 PM, Hysteriaangel said:

 

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[cupid69]

On 2/5/2017 at 5:25 AM, elcardee64 said:

 

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[elcardee64]

Apostle, you cannot possibly imagine the many nights I have engaged in heated and fruitless discussions of this topic with my wife. It has often carried into the wee hours of the morning. She just sits there, for the most part, staring at me blankly as if I am crazy and letting my words go in one ear and out the other. When pressed on the subject of why she seems so disinterested in romance and passion, it was always the same dissatisfying, " I just don't know", or "I just don't know what to say". I never believed that....everybody has some understanding of why they act in a certain way. I felt she was always being untruthful with me, and I have been left to make my analyses of her feelings just on my own observations of her overall behavior toward me. Speaking of that, she has never been hateful or abrasive, always generous with her money, friendly at a superficial level, tolerant of my hobbies and friends, a good mother and co- provider, housekeeper, humble and liked by most everybody she knows. However, she does not go out of her way to make many friends, she is often introverted and artificial in her dealings with people, unless it is an old friend or family member. I don't doubt that she may be categorically an "asexual", but she surely must have known this at a time that she could have related that fact to me before we proceeded to get married.

[Hysteriaangel]

14 hours ago, Apostle said:

I feel for you Hysteriaangel. I'm the male version of you with the same emotions towards my wife as you have towards your partner, and these emotions never go away!. The only difference between us are the number of years. I've been married for over 30 and have 3 children, one adopted and twins. For the last 25 years I've been celibate (and possibly my wife although nothing's certain in life) and it was only recently that I found out she was asexual. It's very difficult to maintain a relationship with someone you love but have little emotional and intimate contact with due to the differences in how we are. All I can say is that you either have to accept your differences and live with them or part if you can't. I think about this issue every night in bed, unable to do anything, even cuddle, for fear of arousing myself and rejection from her.

It's good that you are talking about it though and maybe if you could divert your life a little into something positive then you can move on. Don't despair, there are many of us sexuals suffering the same fate as you and this forum is a good place to vent our frustrations. 

Thank you Apostle. My husband and I had a long talk where I asked him questions to try to understand how he feels (or doesn't) about these things. I'm trying to be very supportive but it is very difficult. I too lay awake at night contemplating the whole situation. How you have done this for so long I'll never know. You have incredible emotional and mental fortitude. Did you decide that you just didn't need those things anymore and went on? I know it must be unfair to our partners to hound them over and over on something they just can't help. After my conversation with my husband I couldn't help feeling selfish for how I feel. Like he alone isn't enough for me. We have so many good times were we can laugh and be silly. A lot of people would be happy with the relationship that we have. Somehow it feels like its only half of what is should be or at least, what I want it to be. I'm actually to the point that I'm not even sexually attracted to him anymore. Some people might say "oh, problem solved". That's not true at all because I still wish I was. I asked him if it made him feel better because there was no longer that pressure and he actually said no. He said he was sad about it. He didn't want me to not look at him that way. I understand that no one wants their partner to not "look at them that way". I feel its kinda selfish on his part because that is exactly how I feel  everyday. 

[Sally]

4 hours ago, elcardee64 said:

. When pressed on the subject of why she seems so disinterested in romance and passion, it was always the same dissatisfying, " I just don't know", or "I just don't know what to say". I never believed that....everybody has some understanding of why they act in a certain way. 

What she says may be very true: she doesn't know.  I don't know why I've turned out to be asexual all my life.  Just as no one knows why they're heterosexual, or homosexual.  We just know that's the way we feel.   Because it isn't acting in a certain way, it's being a certain way.