Fellow Sexuals

[think]

Hello, I just joined. I'm here because I'm a sexual woman married to a man I'm now certain is asexual. The revelation is very new and I'm struggling to deal with all kinds of thoughts and emotions surrounding that. Writing my story below and I'm happy to have others' input and insight.

We've been together 9 years, and have one son (2). My husband was a virgin when we met, even though he was 5 years older than me (then 31). He said he was waiting for the right girl. I had had one partner previously for 5 years, with whom I had a good sex life, although our emotional connection was not so great. We took things at his pace, which was very slow, and I always made the first move. Over the years, he's since revealed many stories about the days before he met me. He hadn't had a long term relationship for about 10 years before we met, but had dated a lot. All his stories involve 2 or 3 dates where a woman inevitably made a sexual move and he fled, or the relationship turned platonic and fizzled out. He thought these stories were quite humorous and always said things like: "I can't believe she wanted to to do that…". It's only over the years that I've realized the full extent of this.

At first I was fine with going slow. I liked how safe i felt with him. Right from the beginning sex was not good. it was clearly difficult for him. I thought he'd get more comfortable. I tried different things and I was very very supportive, encouraging and patient. Nonetheless, he only seemed really interested in it for maybe the first few months of having it. I remember less than a year into our relationship realizing he seemed tuned out during the act. But he was sweet and affectionate in other ways (talked about how nice it was to have someone to deeply connect with). I'm very patient and I'd grown to love him and was willing to work on other aspects of the relationship, assuming the sex life would follow. There were stresses in our lives together that seemed like good excuses here and there (parental death, work stress etc). In the 9 years we've been together, he's initiated sex once (because I almost begged him to). over the years, we started to average 3-4 times a year. I would try to initiate it much more often, but he would usually brush me off. I used to love sex, but I tried to make do.

I don't want to give the impression that I didn't try to deal with this directly. Over the years, once it became clear that my own supportive and enthusiastic efforts were not enough, I spoke to him multiple times about needing to feel desired and to have a sex life. At first he just agreed we should work on it, then did nothing. Last time I said something (very calmly and very directly), he said: "why do you keep bringing this shit up?". The only time he was willing to have sex was to try for a second child. But I had to put a stop to it, even though I had really wanted one. The act had become so awful for me. He needed to advance notice to gear up for it and was clearly relieved when it was over. Finally, I realized that I had no sexual desire left for him either. Sex with him suddenly seemed so awful. And I didn't feel about him the way some women feel about their husbands. I love him, but it's like the love you feel for a brother. Also, the sweeter, somewhat romantic closeness I used to feel has mainly dissipated and what I have is more nostalgia for what I thought I had.

In the meantime, I've realized how much I want a close relationship with a man. I definitely experience feelings of attraction, sexual and emotional all wrapped up and I think about sex all the time, with one man in particular, who is unattached and with whom I've become close. It's not just the act, it's wanting to be close to someone in all ways. I don't see how much longer I can continue. I don't want to be divorced, but who does? it seems like the only option. It seems better to do it soon, while I'm still young enough to maybe find what I'm looking for and while it isn't so traumatic for my son. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. My parents waited late to divorce. It would have been better for me not to have grown accustomed to years of dysfunctional relating. I feel like I'm becoming someone I'm not (unhappy when around my husband, disloyal… I can't seem to speak of him to others positively, and I sometimes avoid my friends because I can't be open about the situation). There are other issues between us now. I've been over it again and again in my mind and the major hesitation I have is hurting my husband badly… and a normal sense of fear of the unknown. I don't think I can be good to myself or my husband in this situation though. I plan on talking to my husband about this soon. I also hope to get him help… I was not aware of asexuality and I'm certain he is not either.

Apologies for the lengthy post…. feels good to get this off my chest with people I can talk about this with.

[Blondbeard]

Hello, I just joined. I'm here because I'm a sexual woman married to a man I'm now certain is asexual. The revelation is very new and I'm struggling to deal with all kinds of thoughts and emotions surrounding that. Writing my story below and I'm happy to have others' input and insight.

We've been together 9 years, and have one son (2). My husband was a virgin when we met, even though he was 5 years older than me (then 31). He said he was waiting for the right girl. I had had one partner previously for 5 years, with whom I had a good sex life, although our emotional connection was not so great. We took things at his pace, which was very slow, and I always made the first move. Over the years, he's since revealed many stories about the days before he met me. He hadn't had a long term relationship for about 10 years before we met, but had dated a lot. All his stories involve 2 or 3 dates where a woman inevitably made a sexual move and he fled, or the relationship turned platonic and fizzled out. He thought these stories were quite humorous and always said things like: "I can't believe she wanted to to do that…". It's only over the years that I've realized the full extent of this.

At first I was fine with going slow. I liked how safe i felt with him. Right from the beginning sex was not good. it was clearly difficult for him. I thought he'd get more comfortable. I tried different things and I was very very supportive, encouraging and patient. Nonetheless, he only seemed really interested in it for maybe the first few months of having it. I remember less than a year into our relationship realizing he seemed tuned out during the act. But he was sweet and affectionate in other ways (talked about how nice it was to have someone to deeply connect with). I'm very patient and I'd grown to love him and was willing to work on other aspects of the relationship, assuming the sex life would follow. There were stresses in our lives together that seemed like good excuses here and there (parental death, work stress etc). In the 9 years we've been together, he's initiated sex once (because I almost begged him to). over the years, we started to average 3-4 times a year. I would try to initiate it much more often, but he would usually brush me off. I used to love sex, but I tried to make do.

I don't want to give the impression that I didn't try to deal with this directly. Over the years, once it became clear that my own supportive and enthusiastic efforts were not enough, I spoke to him multiple times about needing to feel desired and to have a sex life. At first he just agreed we should work on it, then did nothing. Last time I said something (very calmly and very directly), he said: "why do you keep bringing this shit up?". The only time he was willing to have sex was to try for a second child. But I had to put a stop to it, even though I had really wanted one. The act had become so awful for me. He needed to advance notice to gear up for it and was clearly relieved when it was over. Finally, I realized that I had no sexual desire left for him either. Sex with him suddenly seemed so awful. And I didn't feel about him the way some women feel about their husbands. I love him, but it's like the love you feel for a brother. Also, the sweeter, somewhat romantic closeness I used to feel has mainly dissipated and what I have is more nostalgia for what I thought I had.

In the meantime, I've realized how much I want a close relationship with a man. I definitely experience feelings of attraction, sexual and emotional all wrapped up and I think about sex all the time, with one man in particular, who is unattached and with whom I've become close. It's not just the act, it's wanting to be close to someone in all ways. I don't see how much longer I can continue. I don't want to be divorced, but who does? it seems like the only option. It seems better to do it soon, while I'm still young enough to maybe find what I'm looking for and while it isn't so traumatic for my son. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. My parents waited late to divorce. It would have been better for me not to have grown accustomed to years of dysfunctional relating. I feel like I'm becoming someone I'm not (unhappy when around my husband, disloyal… I can't seem to speak of him to others positively, and I sometimes avoid my friends because I can't be open about the situation). There are other issues between us now. I've been over it again and again in my mind and the major hesitation I have is hurting my husband badly… and a normal sense of fear of the unknown. I don't think I can be good to myself or my husband in this situation though. I plan on talking to my husband about this soon. I also hope to get him help… I was not aware of asexuality and I'm certain he is not either.

Apologies for the lengthy post…. feels good to get this off my chest with people I can talk about this with.

You will find a new partner, and you will be much happier after divorce.

[Rev_Ursus]

Hello, I just joined. I'm here because I'm a sexual woman married to a man I'm now certain is asexual. The revelation is very new and I'm struggling to deal with all kinds of thoughts and emotions surrounding that. Writing my story below and I'm happy to have others' input and insight.

We've been together 9 years, and have one son (2). My husband was a virgin when we met, even though he was 5 years older than me (then 31). He said he was waiting for the right girl. I had had one partner previously for 5 years, with whom I had a good sex life, although our emotional connection was not so great. We took things at his pace, which was very slow, and I always made the first move. Over the years, he's since revealed many stories about the days before he met me. He hadn't had a long term relationship for about 10 years before we met, but had dated a lot. All his stories involve 2 or 3 dates where a woman inevitably made a sexual move and he fled, or the relationship turned platonic and fizzled out. He thought these stories were quite humorous and always said things like: "I can't believe she wanted to to do that…". It's only over the years that I've realized the full extent of this.

At first I was fine with going slow. I liked how safe i felt with him. Right from the beginning sex was not good. it was clearly difficult for him. I thought he'd get more comfortable. I tried different things and I was very very supportive, encouraging and patient. Nonetheless, he only seemed really interested in it for maybe the first few months of having it. I remember less than a year into our relationship realizing he seemed tuned out during the act. But he was sweet and affectionate in other ways (talked about how nice it was to have someone to deeply connect with). I'm very patient and I'd grown to love him and was willing to work on other aspects of the relationship, assuming the sex life would follow. There were stresses in our lives together that seemed like good excuses here and there (parental death, work stress etc). In the 9 years we've been together, he's initiated sex once (because I almost begged him to). over the years, we started to average 3-4 times a year. I would try to initiate it much more often, but he would usually brush me off. I used to love sex, but I tried to make do.

I don't want to give the impression that I didn't try to deal with this directly. Over the years, once it became clear that my own supportive and enthusiastic efforts were not enough, I spoke to him multiple times about needing to feel desired and to have a sex life. At first he just agreed we should work on it, then did nothing. Last time I said something (very calmly and very directly), he said: "why do you keep bringing this shit up?". The only time he was willing to have sex was to try for a second child. But I had to put a stop to it, even though I had really wanted one. The act had become so awful for me. He needed to advance notice to gear up for it and was clearly relieved when it was over. Finally, I realized that I had no sexual desire left for him either. Sex with him suddenly seemed so awful. And I didn't feel about him the way some women feel about their husbands. I love him, but it's like the love you feel for a brother. Also, the sweeter, somewhat romantic closeness I used to feel has mainly dissipated and what I have is more nostalgia for what I thought I had.

In the meantime, I've realized how much I want a close relationship with a man. I definitely experience feelings of attraction, sexual and emotional all wrapped up and I think about sex all the time, with one man in particular, who is unattached and with whom I've become close. It's not just the act, it's wanting to be close to someone in all ways. I don't see how much longer I can continue. I don't want to be divorced, but who does? it seems like the only option. It seems better to do it soon, while I'm still young enough to maybe find what I'm looking for and while it isn't so traumatic for my son. I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. My parents waited late to divorce. It would have been better for me not to have grown accustomed to years of dysfunctional relating. I feel like I'm becoming someone I'm not (unhappy when around my husband, disloyal… I can't seem to speak of him to others positively, and I sometimes avoid my friends because I can't be open about the situation). There are other issues between us now. I've been over it again and again in my mind and the major hesitation I have is hurting my husband badly… and a normal sense of fear of the unknown. I don't think I can be good to myself or my husband in this situation though. I plan on talking to my husband about this soon. I also hope to get him help… I was not aware of asexuality and I'm certain he is not either.

Apologies for the lengthy post…. feels good to get this off my chest with people I can talk about this with.

Think, we're in the same boat, just opposite roles. I've been ghosting here for a few weeks, started posting and talking to people just yesterday. Good luck.

[think]

Rev_Ursus and Blondbeard, thanks. Read my earlier post and thought it sounded more clearheaded than I feel. In reality, I feel grief, confusion, resentment... And some shame over the sexual aspect being so important to me after all. Try as I might, I can't reason it away.

Actually, knowing about asexuality is helping. I only found out about it because I went to a therapist for a couple sessions to deal with the aforementioned emotions a few weeks ago. She brought it up, saying it sounded very likely that my husband was. She also reassured me that sex is often a huge part of how a person feels about a marriage.

Trying to articulate to myself why physical intimacy is so important to the wellbeing of a relationship for a sexual person and why denial of it over such an extended period can have such negative consequences to the health of the relationship.

As a woman, it feels strange being the one who wants sex while her husband doesn't. I feel bound to mention that I keep myself in good shape and nice looking. But that's just stereotyping and it would be very difficult to be either partner in that role. I guess another reason for not staying is to avoid self esteem issues/ issues with sex in the long run.

[keithpabo]

Well I have been dealing with being married to an asexual. Since putting a name to it we have had our ups and downs. Trying to work things out and having conversations that do not connect because it is very hard to have an understanding conversation between a asexual and a sexual. I realize I love her and have a great connection that I have never had with anyone else. She is willing to have scheduled sex twice a week(hasn't worked out yet). She feels like she can be more loving that way, because the fear of spontaneous sex wont happen if she shows emotion on days where it is not scheduled. At one point I wanted to end my life because, hell you find someone you love and making love is like having a blow up doll if you have it at all. We have went almost a year without sex before and anything is good at that point. to the guy who says "wah wah my wife is asexual I havent talked to her about it" talk to your wife then we can hear your story also a lot of asexuals do not know they are asexuals so if they really are and you love them, talk to them!. Oh and the one where " I decided not to have sex anymore so I call myself asexual" pleassee get a life. Its hard people, but I do believe sexuals and asexuals are attracted, you both have something that the other wants. I am not a great writer I just wanted the sexuals out there that truly love their spouse and not just looking for a reason to screw someone else to know I feel ya. I havent found the solution yet , enjoy what you have and I know some days you get so horny you shake and have so much resentment and anger you dont know what to do. They dont understand, all they want is your love, give it to them! Find new ways to masturbate, have sex with someone that you know you wont have guilt or feelings of love for. Make what you are in work!!! You are not going to find answers at least not in this day and age. Counselors, most think they know how to fix them or you, trust me they can make it a lot worse. So you do you, find what works for you without giving up this person you love so much. I am willing to talk to any of you going through this so send me a message if you want. I will reply I know how dark it can get.

[Rev_Ursus]

Keithpabo,

How long have you two been married?

[keithpabo]

Keithpabo,

How long have you two been married?

We have been together 5 years.

[keithpabo]

So my wife is asexual, it has been a freaking nightmare. I believe communication is key. I have never had a problem talking about sex she on the other hand is very very uncomfortable talking about it. Neither of you want to grow old alone and you love each other deeply or you would have not found this site! My wife compares sex to hiking or eating green beans. We both try our best to understand the other side. If you do not talk you wont know what your asexuals partners limits are. What if she/he is ok with oral? Scheduled sex? yeah its not great sex but hey! Physical stimulation? Friends with benefits? How will you know ,are you willing to throw it away from lack of communication? You both should be willing to give the other sacrifice, if not you both need to move on!

Something to think about, if you had an accident that left you without use of your junk well... you would have a hard time finding the love your partner gives you.

[Blondbeard]

So my wife is asexual, it has been a freaking nightmare. I believe communication is key. I have never had a problem talking about sex she on the other hand is very very uncomfortable talking about it. Neither of you want to grow old alone and you love each other deeply or you would have not found this site! My wife compares sex to hiking or eating green beans. We both try our best to understand the other side. If you do not talk you wont know what your asexuals partners limits are. What if she/he is ok with oral? Scheduled sex? yeah its not great sex but hey! Physical stimulation? Friends with benefits? How will you know ,are you willing to throw it away from lack of communication? You both should be willing to give the other sacrifice, if not you both need to move on!

Something to think about, if you had an accident that left you without use of your junk well... you would have a hard time finding the love your partner gives you.

And why are you staying in that nightmare? I broke up with my asexual girlfriend when she didn't accept an open relationship.

[Sally]

So my wife is asexual, it has been a freaking nightmare. I believe communication is key. I have never had a problem talking about sex she on the other hand is very very uncomfortable talking about it. Neither of you want to grow old alone and you love each other deeply or you would have not found this site! My wife compares sex to hiking or eating green beans. We both try our best to understand the other side. If you do not talk you wont know what your asexuals partners limits are. What if she/he is ok with oral? Scheduled sex? yeah its not great sex but hey! Physical stimulation? Friends with benefits? How will you know ,are you willing to throw it away from lack of communication? You both should be willing to give the other sacrifice, if not you both need to move on!

Something to think about, if you had an accident that left you without use of your junk well... you would have a hard time finding the love your partner gives you.

And why are you staying in that nightmare? I broke up with my asexual girlfriend when she didn't accept an open relationship.

Your experience is not someone else's.

[keithpabo]

So my wife is asexual, it has been a freaking nightmare. I believe communication is key. I have never had a problem talking about sex she on the other hand is very very uncomfortable talking about it. Neither of you want to grow old alone and you love each other deeply or you would have not found this site! My wife compares sex to hiking or eating green beans. We both try our best to understand the other side. If you do not talk you wont know what your asexuals partners limits are. What if she/he is ok with oral? Scheduled sex? yeah its not great sex but hey! Physical stimulation? Friends with benefits? How will you know ,are you willing to throw it away from lack of communication? You both should be willing to give the other sacrifice, if not you both need to move on!

Something to think about, if you had an accident that left you without use of your junk well... you would have a hard time finding the love your partner gives you.

And why are you staying in that nightmare? I broke up with my asexual girlfriend when she didn't accept an open relationship.

I guess I should have stated that you need to communicate and I love my wife very much. Thats why I posted so hopefully even though its uncomfortable you need to talk about it. If you dont care leave your relationship, for some of us our love is too strong to just give up.

[think]

I also wonder about the implications of the hypothetical scenario where one of you is an accident or becomes ill and can't engage in sexual activity. I think most of us would agree it would be heartless and wrong to leave the partnership for that reason - in a committed relationship, that should be a shared misfortune and both partners should just be glad of the love that remained. Is finding out that your life partner is asexual different than that? I saw another metaphor somewhere here where the scenario is compared to your partner figuring out they are gay (if you are in a heterosexual relationship) or vice versa, in which case it doesn't make sense for the partners to try and stay together, as both would likely be happier in the long run with other partners that are more suited. Thoughts? How do you all see it?

[think]

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.

Just still trying to work this all out...

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.

Just still trying to work this all out...

[think]

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.

Just still trying to work this all out...

[AnotherEli]

I'm here because my girlfriend is asexual and I want to know more about other people's experiences with asexuality so I can be supportive of her.

[keithpabo]

I love my wife and we have found our way through. We didn't know exactly what was wrong till after we were married. I would not date an asexual if I knew before hand. I am assuming you are past that point. Sex/realease may be uncomfortable for her to talk about. You have to though! I know you love her and do not want her to feel out of place but she owes that to you as well! You both need different things from a relationship, find a way for you both to get it. You both will be miserable if you don't.

[Blondbeard]

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.

Just still trying to work this all out...

I think divorce would work perfectlly for you. You will be able to find a new partner. Do you really want to live the rest of your life without sex connection and intimacy?

[Sally]

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.

Just still trying to work this all out...

I think divorce would work perfectlly for you. You will be able to find a new partner. Do you really want to live the rest of your life without sex connection and intimacy?

Blondbeard, you seem to be pushing divorce in just about every thread concerning mixed relationships. Why do you do that when 1) you don't know the people involved and 2) posters aren't asking whether they should get divorced or not.

[Blondbeard]

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.Just still trying to work this all out...

I think divorce would work perfectlly for you. You will be able to find a new partner. Do you really want to live the rest of your life without sex connection and intimacy?

Blondbeard, you seem to be pushing divorce in just about every thread concerning mixed relationships. Why do you do that when 1) you don't know the people involved and 2) posters aren't asking whether they should get divorced or not.

Because they usually ask for advice, so I give what I think is the best solution, you are right regarding that I suggest divorce a lot, but I also suggest open relationships, Thats of course my opinion.

[El-not-so-ace]

Sally, if someone divorces because an online user told them too, it means that they were going to do it anyway. One person's opinion, although it might seem drastic or final, is still a relevant option to bring up. If a couple doesn't want to divorce, a poster won't force them to do so.

[alibali]

I am asexual and didn't realise while I was married. Now separated. I don't want a divorce but I wouldn't object if he filed for one because he deserves to be happy. I have now told him what I have discovered about myself. He is sexual, but I don't think he has that high a libido that we couldn't work it out. Friends think we are incompatible, and we were while there was so much resentment and frustration. We both value the family life we built up. Unfortunately one of our daughters passed away after we separated and our focus since has not been on our own happiness but about ensuring our remaining daughter can have a life without her twin. The sexual aspect of any relationship pales into insignificance compared with all the other things that can happen to you. I wouldn't have objected to an open marriage as long as it didn't dissolve the household, however like many of the sexuals on here, he views sex as being about an expression of love, so probably would neither want it, or would end up wanting the "whole thing" with someone else. My ideal actually would be to have him as my SO even if I wasn't his. Our role as parents was always the most important thing and that will never change, whoever else we meet.

[keithpabo]

Telecaster, I thoroughly agree- it's the issue of being desired plus the emotional connection. For me, I don't feel that most of the compromises would achieve anything in the long run because of the absence of those factors.

Just still trying to work this all out...

I think divorce would work perfectlly for you. You will be able to find a new partner. Do you really want to live the rest of your life without sex connection and intimacy?

Blondbeard, you seem to be pushing divorce in just about every thread concerning mixed relationships. Why do you do that when 1) you don't know the people involved and 2) posters aren't asking whether they should get divorced or not.

I think some people still troll here, when they having nothing to do with asexuals. They had a girlfriend/boyfriend that was asexual and they broke up. Why oh why do they stick around to give advice? The highest percentage of us, want to work through this and make it last.

[keithpabo]

I am asexual and didn't realise while I was married. Now separated. I don't want a divorce but I wouldn't object if he filed for one because he deserves to be happy. I have now told him what I have discovered about myself. He is sexual, but I don't think he has that high a libido that we couldn't work it out. Friends think we are incompatible, and we were while there was so much resentment and frustration. We both value the family life we built up. Unfortunately one of our daughters passed away after we separated and our focus since has not been on our own happiness but about ensuring our remaining daughter can have a life without her twin. The sexual aspect of any relationship pales into insignificance compared with all the other things that can happen to you. I wouldn't have objected to an open marriage as long as it didn't dissolve the household, however like many of the sexuals on here, he views sex as being about an expression of love, so probably would neither want it, or would end up wanting the "whole thing" with someone else. My ideal actually would be to have him as my SO even if I wasn't his. Our role as parents was always the most important thing and that will never change, whoever else we meet.

I am so sorry for your loss and know words can not do any justice in making you feel any better. I hope you are able to work through this.

[alibali]

Circumstances have that way of making you step back and seeing what's important. I am not suggesting that sex is not important. But maybe some other things in relationships are actually more important....possibly.

[Tarfeather]

Well, we humans almost literally need certain elements in our life, like someone to talk to, someone we can trust and rely on, etc. Sex is a lot more optional than that stuff.

[alibali]

Trust and honesty and communication I would say. In a straw poll of my friends who had no idea what I was asking, everyone said the above were what was important. Not one mentioned sex. Either it's taken for granted and private, or it's less necessary than the other things. I suppose my point is that I need the above too please, but my lack of whatever hormone/switch/whatever means that I am unlikely to ever get them. It's sad.

[alibali]

There is pretty clear research on the consequences of what lack of communication does to most people. I don't think lack of sex has the same consequences unless that is the only way someone communicates...

[Tarfeather]

You can get through life talking to no one, trusting no one etc, just as much as with no sex.

Only as adult.. And even then I think the fewest would be able to do it without serious mental issues resulting.

[Sally]

Trust and honesty and communication I would say. In a straw poll of my friends who had no idea what I was asking, everyone said the above were what was important. Not one mentioned sex. Either it's taken for granted and private, or it's less necessary than the other things.

I think the bolded is the case.

[Guest]

Trust and honesty and communication I would say. In a straw poll of my friends who had no idea what I was asking, everyone said the above were what was important. Not one mentioned sex. Either it's taken for granted and private, or it's less necessary than the other things.

I think the bolded is the case.

Yeah. Most don't realize how important it is to them until they lack it, out of the people I know.