I think my partner is asexual but I'm madly in love with them and don't know what to do :(

[Philip027]

22 hours ago, goldfish101 said:

 

Hi, Can I talk to you personally outside of this forum? This is my EXACT situation and I am convinced my fiance is asexual but she's telling she doesnt want to have sex before marriage because of religious reasons (we're muslim). However, she is not very religious so it doesnt make sense.

 

A few months into out relationship she said she wanted to stop any forms of intercourse altogether. Shortly after that, we stopped flirting altogether and literally it just feels like we're friends. She said it was for religious reasons, but she's actually become less religious since then. It's been this way for 4 years now. She also does not allow me to watch porn. I am so sexually repressed it's not even funny. As you can imagine, I resent her but I somehow contain it when I'm around her.

 

Every time she sees a sex scene in a show or movie she is repulsed. I haven't felt sexually desired by her in years, since the very beginning of our relationship, and even then it felt forced but I just thought she was shy. She always says she can never understand our hypersexualized society and the comments she makes aren't really things that are said by people with a normal sexuality. Anytime I try to bring this up to her she just gets frustrated and "accuses me of only caring about sex" and when I can finally get her to talk about it, she gives very shallow assurances and says that "we'll just have to find out if we're sexually compatible when we're married."

 

I just dont want to go through the heartbreak of getting married and then finding this out. It already eats me up inside. Additionally, I dont come from a rich family. My family and I are about to drop $60k+ when it's all said and done for me to get married. We can barely afford this. I do not want to put myself and my family through financial hardship just for this experiment. Can we please speak?

 

The person you're addressing hasn't been on this site since making that post.

 

You don't sound like you're very compatible (especially if you "resent" her).  Waiting until after marriage to find out if you can be more compatible is precisely how a lot of marriages end up in divorce.  Food for thought.

[Ceebs]

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

literally it just feels like we're friends

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

It's been this way for 4 years now.

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

She also does not allow me to watch porn. 

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

I am so sexually repressed it's not even funny.

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

I resent her

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

I haven't felt sexually desired by her in years

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

I just dont want to go through the heartbreak of getting married and then finding this out. It already eats me up inside.

 

On 8/22/2022 at 3:16 AM, goldfish101 said:

I do not want to put myself and my family through financial hardship just for this experiment.

DO NOT GET MARRIED.
 

For the love of... everything... I repeat, do not get married. Please. This relationship is already a disaster.

[Guest]

On 8/23/2022 at 3:43 AM, Ceebs said:

DO NOT GET MARRIED.
 

For the love of... everything... I repeat, do not get married. Please. This relationship is already a disaster

@goldfish101 - those two above are giving done pretty blunt advice, and while the knee jerk reaction is to fight against it, what you are dealing with won’t get any easier. Figuring it out before marriage would be essential, but the actual options folks like us have, neither of the ‘compromise,’ options would seem to work with someone who would want to control you to the extent of not watching porn. 
 

You mention religion. My best friend is a Muslim. How is your religion influencing your decision to be engaged, get married and all of that? Asking because my friend both talks to me about the difficulty of finding a Muslim wife in our part of the US, but at the same time, he’s also always talking about finding a wife, having a family, rather than finding a good, and healthy relationship with a partner he loves and cares for. 
 

I don’t want to over-interpret the religious aspect of any of this, or act like my Muslim friend bears any similarity to you because he is Muslim, but is any of the reason you stay with her simply have to do with a desire to marry within your faith balanced against a greater difficulty of finding available Muslim women? 
 

my friend has told me all about apps specific to his faith, conventions he’s gone to across the country, and at least some level of acceptance from him and these women to move across the country because of the more limited Muslim population in certain parts of the country. 
 

I guess beyond anything else. I’d suggest making sure you’re getting married because you want to be with this person, and not just because of the possible trouble finding another in the same faith. 
 

apologies if I’m overstepping brining religion into this discussion, even if it is really more just about population dynamics. 

[SoAlone1984]

My partner of 13 years/husband of 12 told me he was asexual just this past month. 

 

I love him so deeply and crave that intimate connection to him-especially since the two of us were virgins when we married. It's always been difficult for us to connect physically. He easily lost interest in sex multiple times. My romantic gestures were lost on him. Emotion, Romance and sex have all been lacking in our marriage for some time.

 

Finally he admitted to me that he has never been a sexual person (though this wasn't apparent in our early relationship and early marriage). I feel so lost, unwanted and confused. I don't want to pressure him to do things he doesn't want to do. he is a sexual being and has no problem with doing things by himself, but he's not interested in me and does not seek me out.

 

Divorce is on the table and I've never been so depressed.

[HappilyEverafter]

On 6/29/2021 at 10:20 PM, Ana C said:

Hello everyone! Hope you are doing well.

I will not bore you with the the story of our relationship. Basically what me and my girlfriend thought was an incompatibility in libidos might be her asexuality. We only reached this conclusion yesterday after 4 years of our relationship. (We are both female)

I am a very sexual person, so if you had told me a few years ago that I would be  considering a relationship with an asexual person I would say you were insane. 

The fact is I think she is the love of my life, everything else in the relationship is perfect, but once again, I am very sexual and I'm afraid abstaining from sex might cause me to resent her, making me more irritable and treating her badly.

All the cards are on the table right now, we have talked about an open relationship, ending our relationship, doing sexual stuff if she is not in the mood, but I  have a very big problem with this last one. I have read asexual people can have sex and do it to make their partner happy, but thinking of doing this with my girlfriend feels like rape to me. 

I'm also afraid having an open relationship would make me fearful that she would say it's fine but would feel hurt.

 

Basically  I want to hear about your experiences in alo-ace relationships and especially alo-ace relationships that involve sex. I'm just really lost right now, I don't wanna hurt her in anyway  and definitely don't want to break up. Any advice on how to navigate this?

 

p.s.:English is not my first language so sorry if something is spelled incorrectly

I was in a relationship with a highly sexual male. I didn't realise that I was ace. I realised this is probably who I am only last year. I totally appreciate you saying you're not comfortable with engaging in sexual activities with her since you're afraid that it might feel like rape to you. Really, much appreciated, shows you really care. 

 

This is what I've learnt from my experience and observation. I strongly suspect that my friend's wife is an ace because of all that he tells to me. She's a loving, kind wife who would never initiate sex and he himself struggled for long, and from what he's said, it feels to me like she just engages in those activities and only pretends to enjoy it half the time, with her only goal being to somehow satisfy him because she really loves him, on an ace way. 

 

In my own relationship, I really thought that it's most men who are either repelling or just not romantic enough and that's why I don't feel any interest in sex. But only when I read more, I realised that even when I'm not with anyone, even in my own romantic fantasies, there's no sex. 😄 What sex means to you and your friend, romance means to me. It'd be a nightmare to be with a partner who's not interested in romance ever. 

 

But as an ace person, I would say that if I would be in a relationship with a sexual person, I'd love it or even beg that they find someone else to have sex with because that's what "love" means to me - I want the best for my partner while I can't give them something I don't want to. While the possibility of breaking up would be considered, please consider being in an open relationship with her being the love of your life, while you can find someone else to have your sexual needs met? Would that work out or help?

 

Just want the best for you two, especially since you sound so loving and caring. 

[TisaTinkers]

I just wanna say I really appreciate this thread. Although it's hard and painful to read I think it's important for me to accept/ process my own emotions. I'm a woman whose engaged to an asexual man. I have a weird mix of feelings around sex, from religious guilt from my Christian upbringing to PTSD from abusive relationships. I always used to give sex to get love, in a very unhealthy wat. So in lots of ways I'm extremely greatful for my partner because he was the first man to not care about sex, and it threw me. I was so used to a warped perception of my value being tied to sex and my body. But being with him for 3+ years helped me developed a very deep friendship and he loves me on so many levels, despite being very messy, autistic, etc.

I will say, however, that it has been hard. Once I started to get over a lot of my trauma via thearpy etc. I realized I have a fairly high sex drive. My partner is always willing to communicate and try to make me happy but at the end of the day the fact that he doesn't "want" me in that way hurts. He doesn't look at me in that way. He almost never says compliments like "you're so beautiful", or "you look amazing".

But he does see deep into me and I get other things from him. But. It is always still painful. And I definitely relate to the rape thing, as someone who has besn raped I never want to make my partner do something he doesn't want to. We've talked and talked a talked and sometimes find middle ground. He's Ace in a way where sex doesn't repulse him, he will occasionally still self relase. But for him it's just to get the annoyance of the bones away, he very rarely has an actual "desire" and is very rarely "turned on".

And I will admit that it gets a but self esteem and soul crushing. I honestly don't feel beautiful very often. But my partner tries really hard. He'll see me looking at myself in the mirror and sighing and he'll hug me and say I'm wonderful. He'll squeeze my hand 3 times to say I love you. He'll cuddle me or rub my back whenever I ask. He tries his best to fulfill my needs for touch in other ways. But I'll be honest and admit I get sad that he'll never look at me, bite his lip and just take me because I look hot. That's just not hiw he's wired. 

 

For me I think it's particularly difficult because I've expierenced both extremes, wild passion,  romance, deep love, and a part of me often feels shame. I feel selfish for wanting it all. Because my Fiance really is so incredible, kind, and patient. Other than everyday couple stuff, Sex is literally the biggest problem in out realtionship. And I've been bad at wanting to "fix it" or finding a compromise. Finding compromise is extremely hard because either honest conversations comes hurt feelings. My fiance has cried about be asexual and I have often wished I was so i didn't make him feel like he's not enough. 

I think if you can accept, that your okay, finding other ways, (like for me it's a very fancy vibrator) but knowing that problem will never go away, then I don't want to discourage you and your realtionship. Realtionshios are hard, marriage is hard, I think no couple is perfect and everyone has problems, or secret unfulfilled desires, but to me he's worth the sacrifice. 

But I have to remind myself of that. 

Tbh the hardest thing is not being able to understand him. And the never feeling "desirable".  But it does help seeing ither people who can maybe understand. Hearing their side and what it's like. Doing my best to understand in my own way. 

I sorry I'm a bit tangenty- I write how my stream of consciousness is. Other advice is avoid TV shows or movies that make you horns or are likely to set you up for comparisons. Find friends who will listen and don't have the societal media approach where "sex is everything". And most of all be empathetic. I never realized how sex driven a lot of shows are until my partner voiced his annoyance. He hates sex scenes that don't add to the story and plot. I've realized he's very romantic, and maybe intimacy can take different forms. Maybe it's staying up late and watching your favorite movie. Showering together and blowing bubbles at each other, building blanket forts even though we're 27, watching kid shows and deciding which ones we wanna rewatch when we actually have kids. 

I highly recommend either thearpht, or if you can't afford it a close friend to be the 3rd voice of reason. My bestie helped me and my partner communicate better and we kind of wrote up how intimacy can work with us. 

Since my partner isn't sex repulsed, and more indifferent he was willing to treat it like a chore. Like doing the laudry, or cleaning. It may suck sometimes but it makes your partner happy and sometimes you can make it fun. 

One rule we have is I no longer initiate.  Getting turned down is extremly painful and triggering for me. So I have these sex cards that I can put on his desk when I'm horns, or I can do other things to indirectly signal him, that I'm in the mood. 

If he accepts he'll initiate so I don't feel like I'm forcing him, he is choosing to be intimate with me, because he loves me and loves when I'm happy. 

Another rule is I always ask if he's okay being touched that day, and if so where. He's often way more comfortable being the giver and is rarely in the mood to recieve. 

At any point if I start feeling guilty or the moods ruined because I can tell he's really forcing it, I stop him and we cuddle or he gives me a massage instead.

It's not foolproof, I still get my feelings hurt, a lot. But we've managed a few times of intimacy that was really really great. 

I will admit that emptiness always stays though, and that is the hardest part. Having someone else deeply biologically want you , often feels ingrained, making the asexual understanding gap that much bigger.

 

I hope this helps and you can figure something out that works for both of you!

[TisaTinkers]

I just wanna say I really appreciate this thread. Although it's hard and painful to read I think it's important for me to accept/ process my own emotions. I'm a woman whose engaged to an asexual man. I have a weird mix of feelings around sex, from religious guilt from my Christian upbringing to PTSD from abusive relationships. I always used to give sex to get love, in a very unhealthy wat. So in lots of ways I'm extremely greatful for my partner because he was the first man to not care about sex, and it threw me. I was so used to a warped perception of my value being tied to sex and my body. But being with him for 3+ years helped me developed a very deep friendship and he loves me on so many levels, despite being very messy, autistic, etc.

I will say, however, that it has been hard. Once I started to get over a lot of my trauma via thearpy etc. I realized I have a fairly high sex drive. My partner is always willing to communicate and try to make me happy but at the end of the day the fact that he doesn't "want" me in that way hurts. He doesn't look at me in that way. He almost never says compliments like "you're so beautiful", or "you look amazing".

But he does see deep into me and I get other things from him. But. It is always still painful. And I definitely relate to the rape thing, as someone who has besn raped I never want to make my partner do something he doesn't want to. We've talked and talked a talked and sometimes find middle ground. He's Ace in a way where sex doesn't repulse him, he will occasionally still self relase. But for him it's just to get the annoyance of the bones away, he very rarely has an actual "desire" and is very rarely "turned on".

And I will admit that it gets a but self esteem and soul crushing. I honestly don't feel beautiful very often. But my partner tries really hard. He'll see me looking at myself in the mirror and sighing and he'll hug me and say I'm wonderful. He'll squeeze my hand 3 times to say I love you. He'll cuddle me or rub my back whenever I ask. He tries his best to fulfill my needs for touch in other ways. But I'll be honest and admit I get sad that he'll never look at me, bite his lip and just take me because I look hot. That's just not hiw he's wired. 

 

For me I think it's particularly difficult because I've expierenced both extremes, wild passion,  romance, deep love, and a part of me often feels shame. I feel selfish for wanting it all. Because my Fiance really is so incredible, kind, and patient. Other than everyday couple stuff, Sex is literally the biggest problem in out realtionship. And I've been bad at wanting to "fix it" or finding a compromise. Finding compromise is extremely hard because either honest conversations comes hurt feelings. My fiance has cried about be asexual and I have often wished I was so i didn't make him feel like he's not enough. 

I think if you can accept, that your okay, finding other ways, (like for me it's a very fancy vibrator) but knowing that problem will never go away, then I don't want to discourage you and your realtionship. Realtionshios are hard, marriage is hard, I think no couple is perfect and everyone has problems, or secret unfulfilled desires, but to me he's worth the sacrifice. 

But I have to remind myself of that. 

Tbh the hardest thing is not being able to understand him. And the never feeling "desirable".  But it does help seeing ither people who can maybe understand. Hearing their side and what it's like. Doing my best to understand in my own way. 

I sorry I'm a bit tangenty- I write how my stream of consciousness is. Other advice is avoid TV shows or movies that make you horns or are likely to set you up for comparisons. Find friends who will listen and don't have the societal media approach where "sex is everything". And most of all be empathetic. I never realized how sex driven a lot of shows are until my partner voiced his annoyance. He hates sex scenes that don't add to the story and plot. I've realized he's very romantic, and maybe intimacy can take different forms. Maybe it's staying up late and watching your favorite movie. Showering together and blowing bubbles at each other, building blanket forts even though we're 27, watching kid shows and deciding which ones we wanna rewatch when we actually have kids. 

I highly recommend either thearpht, or if you can't afford it a close friend to be the 3rd voice of reason. My bestie helped me and my partner communicate better and we kind of wrote up how intimacy can work with us. 

Since my partner isn't sex repulsed, and more indifferent he was willing to treat it like a chore. Like doing the laudry, or cleaning. It may suck sometimes but it makes your partner happy and sometimes you can make it fun. 

One rule we have is I no longer initiate.  Getting turned down is extremly painful and triggering for me. So I have these sex cards that I can put on his desk when I'm horns, or I can do other things to indirectly signal him, that I'm in the mood. 

If he accepts he'll initiate so I don't feel like I'm forcing him, he is choosing to be intimate with me, because he loves me and loves when I'm happy. 

Another rule is I always ask if he's okay being touched that day, and if so where. He's often way more comfortable being the giver and is rarely in the mood to recieve. 

At any point if I start feeling guilty or the moods ruined because I can tell he's really forcing it, I stop him and we cuddle or he gives me a massage instead.

It's not foolproof, I still get my feelings hurt, a lot. But we've managed a few times of intimacy that was really really great. 

I will admit that emptiness always stays though, and that is the hardest part. Having someone else deeply biologically want you , often feels ingrained, making the asexual understanding gap that much bigger.

 

I hope this helps and you can figure something out that works for both of you!

[Santiago]

You’re right, it is like rape. 
Thank you for caring about your partner so much 🤲🤲🤲🤲 bare minimum but in my experience incredibly rare
I’m asexual, and I have been in relationships with allo sexual people who have pressured me+ guilt tripped me into consenting and looking back on it, it was 100% sexual assault. After recently having ended this relationship, I have been reading more about sexual coercion (and asexuality) and how it is in fact sexual assault and really wrong.

So yes thank you for not letting your partner put herself through that.

even though she thinks it’s ok, little by little it’ll damage her self esteem and mental health. 
Consider the other two options, either being in an open relationship or breaking up with her.
Personally I don’t think that you two being in a monogamous relationship is a good idea bc you would always feel like something is missing and she would always feel pressured in a way. So that’s why I say it’s better to either be in an open relationship or to breakup. I think the answer lies on whether your partner ends up being comfortable with it enough. Some people are, some people aren’t. The only way to know is to try 🤷🏻

Good luck!!!

🤗 sending love

[Santiago]

You’re right, it is like rape. 
Thank you for caring about your partner so much 🤲🤲🤲🤲 bare minimum but in my experience incredibly rare
I’m asexual, and I have been in relationships with allo sexual people who have pressured me+ guilt tripped me into consenting and looking back on it, it was 100% sexual assault. After recently having ended this relationship, I have been reading more about sexual coercion (and asexuality) and how it is in fact sexual assault and really wrong.

So yes thank you for not letting your partner put herself through that.

even though she thinks it’s ok, little by little it’ll damage her self esteem and mental health. 
Consider the other two options, either being in an open relationship or breaking up with her.
Personally I don’t think that you two being in a monogamous relationship is a good idea bc you would always feel like something is missing and she would always feel pressured in a way. So that’s why I say it’s better to either be in an open relationship or to breakup. I think the answer lies on whether your partner ends up being comfortable with it enough. Some people are, some people aren’t. The only way to know is to try 🤷🏻

Good luck!!!

🤗 sending love

[Ceebs]

8 hours ago, Santiago said:

You’re right, it is like rape. 

What your specific partners did is absolutely NOT ok, but making an across-the-board declaration that sex with an asexual partner is 'like rape' is not only incorrect, but also a rather dangerous thing to say. Asexuals who've willingly consented to sex without coercion have not been raped, and sexual people who have sex with willing asexual partners are not rapists. I can guarantee you that there are asexuals on here who don't feel they've been raped, and my ex-husband certainly never felt like I raped him. And the sex we had did not damage his self-esteem and mental health.

 

Be careful with your phrasing. The word 'rape' has a very specific meaning.

[Sally]

Asexuals are people with agency, just as sexuals are.  They are the ones to determine whether they've been raped, not anyone else.  As an asexual who had sex with her partners for years, I definitely was not.  Although I've read posts by many sexuals during my years on AVEN claiming that they have essentially "raped" their asexual partners, I've never read a post by an asexual who claimed that by having sex they didn't want, they were raped.  We have to push back on this misuse of the word "rape."  

[Mountain House]

5 hours ago, Sally said:

I've read posts by many sexuals during my years on AVEN claiming that they have essentially "raped" their asexual partners

It is my experience and opinion that this is a visceral reaction to learning about and understanding that a partner is asexual. I voiced this feeling to my wife and she assured me that she was a consenting participant. But still, feelings.

 

I would imagine that most sexuals that visit AVEN looking for answers would feel this way and I view it as a sign that this person has compassion for their partner's perspective despite the situation they now find themselves in.

Edited April 27, 2023 by Mountain House
Clarity per @Sally's observation

[Sally]

1 hour ago, Mountain House said:

I would imagine that most sexuals that visit AVEN looking for answers would feel this way and view it as a sign that this person has compassion for their partner's perspective despite the situation they now find themselves in.

I don't know whether you mean that you view it as a sign, etc., or that the sexuals view their asexual partners' willingness to have sex means that the asexuals have compassion for their sexual partners.  

 

I think the "rapist" feelings on the part of sexuals is mostly their view that sex is such an important (for good or bad) issue on everyone's lives, and as such the asexuals must feel that they are being raped.  A sexual who is just learning about asexuality may not fully "know" that sex can just be annoying or meh to some people, rather than either wonderful or horrible.  

[Olallieberry]

4 hours ago, Sally said:

I think the "rapist" feelings on the part of sexuals is mostly their view that sex is such an important (for good or bad) issue on everyone's lives, and as such the asexuals must feel that they are being raped.  A sexual who is just learning about asexuality may not fully "know" that sex can just be annoying or meh to some people, rather than either wonderful or horrible.  

I think that a sexual person in this situation has a hard time figuring out whether it was consensual all along, and that's where the rapey feelings come from.

 

Maybe we're saying the same thing? Because what we see over and over (I'm not saying it's the only thing we ever see, I'm saying we see it a lot) is that they're projecting nonconsent onto their asexual partner when it's not real. Maybe what you said is the cause of that?

[Sally]

I think that what may be happening is that sexuals simply are not knowledgeable about asexuality, and thus they don't understand that asexuals may honestly consent to sex even if they don't want it or enjoy it.  My partner had difficulty with that when I'd told him that I'd discovered that I was asexual (i.e., that it was a thing, after me thinking I was simply inept).  He went through a short period of thinking that I really hadn't consented, because he certainly wouldn't have done something so intrinsically pleasurable (to him) if he hadn't wanted do, so he must have somehow forced me into it.  Finally he realized that I wasn't damaged or injured or emotionally upset or angry or anything else except bored.  I assured him that my boredom had nothing to do with his technique and everything to do with me being asexual.  He finally understood that I had been fine doing it to please him, realizing that to him, a romantic relationship without sex just wasn't imaginable.  That whole discussion process took about a year.   We then continued our relationship sans sex, because I simply didn't want to continue it after my realization, after assuring him that I would certainly understand if that wasn't possible for him and he needed to end the relationship or find another person to have sex with.  By that time, we'd been with each other for 35+ years, and we just stayed together until he died 4 years ago.

 

I certainly didn't mean to blahblahblah; no one needed all that detail.  

[Philip027]

6 hours ago, Ollie415 said:

I think that a sexual person in this situation has a hard time figuring out whether it was consensual all along, and that's where the rapey feelings come from.

Not sure what is so difficult about it.  Just ask the other person.

 

(Not saying that you yourself wouldn't understand this, but rather that I don't get why people in general would find this sort of thing difficult to figure out.)

[Mountain House]

58 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Not sure what is so difficult about it.  Just ask the other person

It's a feeling and feelings are an early warning system that triggers to possibilities not truths. And yeah, asking clears that up for most.

[Olallieberry]

8 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Not sure what is so difficult about it.  Just ask the other person.

 

(Not saying that you yourself wouldn't understand this, but rather that I don't get why people in general would find this sort of thing difficult to figure out.)

I guess you don’t read the same threads I do, where the other partner says what they say and the sexual one still has this feeling and has a hard time getting rid of it.

 

Seems like we see one of these once a week.

[Liara]

We, as sexuals, know how we would feel if we have sex when we don't really want it. Not a good feeling. So we project that on the ace person... But for us, sex would be precious and meaningful when it is like doing chores for ace people... Not the same perception...

[Sally]

The sexual has two bodies (...no pun intended) of evidence regarding whether they had raped the asexual: 1) what the asexual says, and 2) the sexual's memory of what actually happened.  In the first instance, it depends on whether the sexual believes what the asexual is saying.  The second involves the sexual remembering whether they physically overpowered the asexual and forced them to have sex.  I think they should believe the asexual, and I certainly think they'd remember if they actually physically forced the asexual.

 

If the sexual still has the feeling that "I raped my partner", that's something for them to deal with, so it doesn't poison the relationship.  

[Vorps]

To speak personally to this point, I definitely had these feelings. For me, a lot of it was tied to the concept of enthusiastic consent. She was never really 'enthusiastic' per-say, and looking back outside the heat of the moment (or the heat of my moment, I suppose), I started to wonder if I had ignored obvious signs of disinterest and done something horrible to the person I care most about.

 

The guilt and fear of that idea stuck around for a loooong time. Even after she said, point blank to my face, that she had never felt coerced and had never done anything she didnt want to. I just couldnt shake all these flags that were obvious in retrospect that she wasnt engaging in the same way I was.

 

At the end of the day, what I came to was that there is no interpretation of sexuality or sex that allows me to remove her ability to consent. She's a grown woman with an obviously different relationship to sex, but that doesn't mean she is somehow fundamentally unable to consent to sex with me or anyone else.

 

What I can decide is whether or not I'm comfortable with sex done as a favor, and whether or not I feel like I'd get what I need from sex that way. I'm not and I dont, so we havent had sex in years, but that's my decision.

 

I'm allowed to feel however I want about our past sexual intimacy, but I dont get to unilaterally decide whether consent was or was not given. Only she can tell me.

 

This isn't a response to anyone, exactly. Just my experience with the topic at hand.

[Sally]

1 hour ago, Vorps said:

At the end of the day, what I came to was that there is no interpretation of sexuality or sex that allows me to remove her ability to consent. She's a grown woman with an obviously different relationship to sex, but that doesn't mean she is somehow fundamentally unable to consent to sex with me or anyone else.

 

What I can decide is whether or not I'm comfortable with sex done as a favor, and whether or not I feel like I'd get what I need from sex that way. I'm not and I dont, so we havent had sex in years, but that's my decision.

Thank you.  That's exactly what I meant when I said it's the sexual's issue to deal with.  

[Mountain House]

54 minutes ago, Sally said:

That's exactly what I meant when I said it's the sexual's issue to deal with

I don't think anyone was arguing with you. 

[Sally]

1 minute ago, Mountain House said:

I don't think anyone was arguing with you. 

I didn't say they were, I was simply complimenting Vorps.  

[Philip027]

9 hours ago, Vorps said:

To speak personally to this point, I definitely had these feelings. For me, a lot of it was tied to the concept of enthusiastic consent. She was never really 'enthusiastic' per-say, and looking back outside the heat of the moment (or the heat of my moment, I suppose), I started to wonder if I had ignored obvious signs of disinterest and done something horrible to the person I care most about.

This is pretty much precisely why I think the "enthusiastic consent" thing ought to get shitcanned, or at least not regarded as the only valid sort of sexual consent.

 

People do things in life they aren't necessarily enthusiastic about all the time.  Dentists have to deal with such people on a regular basis, I'd think.

[Liara]

1 hour ago, Philip027 said:

This is pretty much precisely why I think the "enthusiastic consent" thing ought to get shitcanned, or at least not regarded as the only valid sort of sexual consent.

 

People do things in life they aren't necessarily enthusiastic about all the time.  Dentists have to deal with such people on a regular basis, I'd think.

I don't think a sexual person wants their ace partner to see sex as going to the dentist... 😅

[Ceebs]

6 hours ago, Liara said:

I don't think a sexual person wants their ace partner to see sex as going to the dentist... 😅

Probably not, but I imagine some would actually prefer going to the dentist over having sex, soooooo...

 

And yeah I agree with Phil on the 'enthusiastic consent' thing. Call me old or conservative or whatever, but I think the 'enthusiastic consent or it's not really consent at all' type of stuff is usually bullshit that can have serious consequences. I could claim that the unpleasantly painful sex I had with an ex several years ago didn't involve enthusiastic consent because I just lay there silently willing them to get part of it over with, never saying a word and pretending I was enjoying it, but I'm not going to because it's on me to stand up for myself.

[Vorps]

1 hour ago, Ceebs said:

 

How delete though?

[Ceebs]

...? Sorry, not sure I follow. How to delete a quote box?

[Vorps]

Entirely my bad. I made a post, wanted to delete it. Couldnt figure out how. Forgot to click the 'explanation for edit'. Thought I'd deleted the quote box but hadnt.

 

Comedy of errors. Sorry for the ghost(ish) ping lol